Chapter 11
Tat-tooing was a desert planet, so named because the first people to live there had been experts at tattoo artistry. Due to colonization from other planets this race had been largely wiped out. Over time the planet had become a hive for crime, self gratification, vice, and excess. In other words, it was the Las Vegas of this galaxy. That suited the crime lord Alvin the Glut perfectly. After his ascent to power he built a lavish (and fortified) palace for himself and made it one of the hubs of his criminal empire.
The Federation had longed to get its hands on his wealth and contacts, and to add yet another planet to their own empire. But, although the Supreme Leader would never publically admit it, the war with the Separatists was draining Federation resources, and it was common sense not to start a second conflict. The Separatists also left Alvin the Glut alone. They had not the strength to battle both him and the Federation, and they were so repulsed by him they would not have dealings or an alliance with him. So during the war Alvin had been largely free to carry out his illegal enterprises as he pleased. Few people dared to cross him, and those who did usually disappeared forever. And the most recent person to cross him was now hanging on his wall, encased in butter.
Yes, Trio had been delivered to Alvin the Glut by the group of mercenaries. Only a few of those who had frozen Trio had actually made it to Tat-tooing: the rest had all 'mysteriously expired' throughout the journey over. Such is what happens where there is a large profit that will have to be divided. Mercenaries just hate sharing large chunks of money.
But Alvin did not care about the casualties. He was delighted by the prize and paid for it without hesitation. True, he did not have the robot 2TH-LS back, or the Centennial Condor, the prize he wanted most, but he liked the sight of Trio in butter so much he hung it up on his wall and decided to throw a party to celebrate. It should be noted that he was rather off his guard now. He could not imagine any sizable force coming to rescue Trio, and he flattered himself that he had the manpower and weaponry to protect his person. Consequently, security was a bit lax.
His party contained all of the 'D's in life that Alvin loved so much: Drugs, Delicacies, Drinks, and Dancing Damsels. Later, after a Doze, he planned to have a Demolition Derby.
As he indulged himself and watched the performances, he had no idea that a destroying angel was on his doorstep—and I am not talking about the mushroom either.
.
For the men guarding the palace door, there was nothing to celebrate. All they were doing was watching the vast desert hour after hour, sweating enough to make short-lived puddles. They took bets on whether the intense heat or total boredom would kill them first. They longed to go inside, to escape the sun, to do something, anything, besides staring forward in a daze, mouth opened and panting, at the unchanging sea of sand.
Then a black dot appeared on the horizon.
They stared at it, uncertain of what to make of it.
The dot grew a little larger. It seemed to be getting closer.
"What is it?" one guard whispered.
The shape grew a little larger, to the point where it was no longer really a 'dot'. More like a 'blob'.
The guards exchanged glances and went on staring.
The shape now became decidedly human and it was getting closer.
The guards exchanged glances again and went on staring.
The human was getting closer. They seemed to be holding something which was reflecting the blazing sunlight. Now they got even closer, coming at a run, and the guards could see the person was a beautiful woman with hair gold as the desert sand. They decided at that moment that this had to be a mirage. No beautiful woman would ever come running towards them unless she was a vision.
And then she got so close they could see her very angry face, and saw that the reflective object she was holding was an axe.
"Hi-yah!" Astrid roared as she slammed her weapon into the nearest guard. He crumpled onto the ground like a wilted flower.
"Hey!" the other guard said, "vision ladies don't do that!"
Astrid punched him in the face. "I'm no vision, muttonhead."
2TH-LS and the Doctor came up behind her. Explosives were planted and the great iron door was almost completely blasted off its hinges.
.
The music was playing so loudly that the people in Alvin's throne room heard the noise only barely, and did not register what it meant until Astrid stormed in.
"All right! Anybody who wants to live better leave right now!"
Alvin's face lit up. "Well hello there, my pretty little—"
But she had seen the butter on the wall and her temper snapped. More so than before, I mean. "HANG MY FRIEND ON A WALL, WILL YOU?" She threw her axe into one of Alvin's bodyguards.
"Hey! He cost me 23 gold pieces a week! Of course, now I won't have to pay him anymore," Alvin mused.
"You're not going to be paying anybody anymore!" She seized her axe and leapt at the nearest guard. Then she went for Alvin.
"Save me!" he shrieked, but his bodyguards ran in terror; a sensible thing to do. At the last possible moment Alvin pressed a button. A trapdoor appeared under him and he dropped through it. The door closed as soon as he was past it and Astrid's axe swung through merely thin air.
"COWARD!"
She spun around and took her anger out on the nearest person. So sudden was her attack that the guard's reaction was pathetic and woeful. Then she went for the next one who dared to stand against her, and again, and again. The palace was in chaos, such chaos that nobody thought to gang up on her with overwhelming numbers, but instead the attacks came piecemeal and random, and Astrid had the advantage in such combat. Fighting her was also made difficult by the appearance of 2TH, who kept banging into people's legs and making them stumble, which by extension made them easy targets to take out.
Yet Astrid did not get so out of control that she attacked anything that moved. She spared the slaves, nearly all of whom were fleeing. It was easy to tell them from the guards and mercenaries: they had chains and no weapons. As for the mercenaries, seeing their boss disappearing as this ferocious woman dealt mercilessly with their fellows was enough to convince them to run too. That was loyalty in the criminal underworld for you. And those who did opt to stick around and fight quickly came to regret it. Astrid was a perfect fiend with her axe, and 2TH, while perhaps less spectacular of a fighter, was just as tough. He had some personal scores to settle.
One mercenary fired a blaster at him. He rolled down a corridor to jockey for position. The mercenary followed, muttering curses as he reloaded. Looking up he saw 2TH had used a grappling hook to get onto a banister.
"If you homo-sapiens are as smart and powerful as you claim to be, why don't you come up here and get me?" the robot taunted. He released the grappling hook and flung himself right into the mercenary's stomach, knocking the wind clean out of him.
Meanwhile, Doctor Ingerman was cowering in the hall's entryway, cringing at all the violence, shouting advice that nobody could hear, and praying that Astrid would come out on top. There Lady Furnacious found him and tossed a thermal explosive at him.
"Catch, Wheels!"
The Doctor tossed it back. "I believe this belongs to you!"
She tossed it back to him. "It's yours now!"
"You can have it!"
"I insist!"
The Doctor tossed it back yet again, crying frantically, "Please, have it and stop trying to kill me! It's not my fault you're not the most popular Mercenary these days!"
She was indignant. "What? I am too the most popular Mercenary! I'm the most popular, the deadliest, hottest, have the best dental work, have the—"
"No you're not! The latest poll showed H. Trio beating you by a margin of twenty-two points!"
"Ha! That cute little loser beating me in the polls? Prove it!"
"I will. Here, hold this a minute." He passed her the explosive, made as if to pull out his D.U.M.B phone, and bolted.
"Hey! Where do you think you're—" she looked down at the explosive she was holding. "Oh no."
"I don't think those fangs of hers will be so good now," the Doctor chuckled to himself. Then he gasped and dug his tense fingers into his cheeks. "What have I done?"
The Lady appeared behind him, her clothes torn to shreds and her face covered in soot. "Nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you, Fish man!" She grabbed his chair. The Doctor, nearly having a panic attack, pressed a button on the armrest. There was a loud blast and an invisible force threw Furnacious into the wall.
"Compressed Seismic Charges imbedded in my wheel spokes." He grinned sheepishly. "I'll bet 2TH can't do things like that!"
He watched the robot speeding after a man whilst twirling a pair of electronic bolas. "Oh sehnsucht!"
.
The Doctor need not have worried about Astrid coming out on top. She always came out on top in a fight, and very soon Alvin the Glut's throne room was virtually deserted. Astrid steered herself towards the butter hanging on the wall.
"We'll get you out of there, Hiccup, don't worry," she muttered.
But when she tried to access the computer terminal which held the butter in place, an automated voice said "Voice Key Incorrect. Access Denied."
"Oh come on!" she yelled, banging on the terminal.
2TH barreled into her. "Out of my way! I'll get that thing to release him. Computer, calculate for me: [the odds of finding an honest politician] divided by [the odds of finding an intelligent politician] to the power of [the odds of finding an effective politician] times [the median mass of a politician's ego]."
The computer wheezed for a few seconds and then blew up.
"One of the most difficult equations in existence," 2TH announced ominously. "It nearly always brings destruction upon those who attempt to calculate it."
"Have you ever calculated it?" Dr. Ingerman asked curiously.
"Yes. The answer was .0013."
The Doctor was about to ask if the robot had just made up the number, but an impatient growl from Astrid brought his attention back to the rescue. With the computer destroyed the wall hanging dropped onto the floor with a loud clank. Doctor Ingerman quickly set about punching buttons on the side of the slab, and before long the butter began to glow red and melt away. Now it was Trio's turn to drop onto the floor, only he did so with a 'thud' rather than a 'clank'.
"He's not breathing!" 2TH shouted. "Quick! Do that mouth to mouth thing you humans do!"
"Are you talking to me?" Dr. Ingerman exclaimed.
"Yes! Do mouth to mouth!"
Dr. Ingerman paled at the implications and he began to splutter. "You…want me to…put my mouth…b-but I'm a man!"
"Well nobody's perfect, but you're a doctor, aren't you? Aren't you guys supposed to know how to heal people?" Astrid demanded.
"I'm not that kind of doctor! And besides I—I hardly know him!" He looked at Astrid frantically. "You do it! You're supposed to be future lover! Go ahead and put your lips on his!"
Astrid looked at him in disgust. 2TH lost all patience and zapped Trio in the chest. After a tense wait he did it again. Astrid crouched down in front of Trio.
"C'mon Hiccup, wake up!"
As if on command he started coughing, nearly spewing his germs into Astrid's face. He opened his eyes.
"Whoa," he said groggily, a silly smile forming on his face, "this is the best dream ever. I can almost reach up and touch it…" he raised an arm and, possibly unaware of what he was actually doing, pressed it right up against Astrid's nose, "I can reach out and—"
Astrid reacted instinctively and struck him in the face.
"OW! And it can reach down and touch me! AUGH!"
2TH-LS angrily zapped Astrid's leg. "Leave my human alone! Hasn't he been through enough already?"
"It was self defense!" she snapped back, kicking out at the robot. "Now get those explosives planted! Doctor, help me get Hiccup out of here!"
"But I haven't got the hiccups!" the young man said cheerfully.
"It's quite possible that waking from Butter Freeze will cause a disoriented state," the Doctor told her as they got Trio to his feet. He swayed in place and was largely unaware of what they were doing to him. "Dizziness, incoherency, possible amnesia, and the like can be expected. It should soon pass, however."
"Good," she groaned under Hiccup's weight, "I'm not sure I'm going to like him like this."
"You'll get used to me in no time, milady! Whew, I feel like I'm in zero gravity right now."
.
Nuts 1 and 2 were beginning to get tired of pursuing the Centennial Condor all over the galaxy, and being on a desert planet with no shade and the temperature reaching triple digits did nothing to improve their mood. Truly it may be said their tempers matched the temperature.
"The sun's doing murder to my circuits." Nut 1 moaned.
"I hate my life," Nut 2 agreed. They watched Princess Astrid emerge from Alvin the Glut's palace, pulling Trio along with her, but they felt little inclination to go after them.
"It's sooooo hotttttttttttt,"
"Please Almighty and Everlasting Torque let them go to an ice planet next."
Then they saw the Doctor and 2TH emerge from the palace.
"Shouldn't we try to capture them?"
"I don't wanna do anything right now."
"Me neither."
They lay in the sand and moaned.
And then the palace blew up.
The two Nuts at once sat bolt upright. Their faces beamed with sheer pleasure as they watched the massive monument to decadence explode, flinging burning pieces of scrap in every direction.
"YAY!"
"I've died and gone to paradise!" Nut 2 said dreamily.
Due to time constraints, 2TH had only placed explosives on the lower levels of the palace. The upper levels therefore escaped the direct explosion, and with nothing to support them anymore they teetered and collapsed into the sand like a huge pile of boulders. The sight made the two androids even happier.
"You know," Nut 2 remarked, "it always seems that the Separatists get to do all the cool stuff…and all the Federation does is send us to crummy planets and threaten to deactivate us."
"I know what you mean," Nut 1 replied, "sometimes I think if it wasn't for General Eret I'd gladly swap sides."
.
Alvin the Glut was furious. He had fled from his palace intending to get reinforcements and counterattack, and now it was blown to pieces! Even worse, soon his reputation would be in shambles too. And he did not even know who was responsible for this outrage!
"But I'll find out who did this. This little incident is not the end!" he swore, "This is only the—!"
At that moment he tripped over a rock and fell on his face.
.
Astrid watched the explosion from the Condor's windows. She smiled. She had saved a friend, repaid a debt, wiped out a crime lord and his despicable entourage, freed his slaves, and made a demonstration of Separatist power that the whole galaxy would soon be talking about, and soon the Doctor and 2TH would arrive and they would rejoin the Fleet and strike an even bigger blow to the Federation. Not bad for one day's work.
Yet not all the palace had been destroyed. Its garage which, according to 2TH, housed numerous ships and vehicles had been spared. Since Alvin's slaves were now free, they had decided to leave the garage intact so the slaves could take the ships and go where they pleased. They had no way of knowing that Alvin was also making for the garage. In fact, Astrid assumed he had been killed in the explosion, but there was no time to make sure.
"Milady?"
She turned around and nearly screamed. Hiccup Trio was standing in front of her, and he was wearing a frock coat that resembled the skin of a Blue-Ringed Octopus, a black vest with magenta, fist sized polka dots on it, orange shoes and purple spats, sea blue pants with black pinstripes, a tiger striped tie, spiky blue sunglasses, and a neon green scarf. A pair of goggles rested upon his head.
"What do you think?" he asked eagerly. "How do I look?"
"Um…? Hiccup, your clothes..."
"I think they go well with my toenails. You know, you look very beautiful when you're startled."
Astrid struggled to answer and not blush. "You're still recovering from the Butter Freezing thing, aren't you?" She sincerely hoped it was that.
"What do you mean? You don't like the way I dress now?" He looked upset.
"Hiccup, here's the thing: we're kind of fugitives right now. We ought to be as inconspicuous as possible." Ironic coming from someone who had just taken on an entire crime syndicate, but she flattered herself that she knew when to blend in or not.
He looked himself over. "You mean to say I stand out? That someone might notice me? That I might give away our cover?"
"Welllll….there might be a teeny-tiny chance of it."
A crestfallen Trio went to put on his regular duds, leaving the Princess to wonder where the heck he had gotten those clothes in the first place.
She also wondered briefly if she should change her own clothes, a sensible thing to do after combat, but she doubted there were any clothes for women on board. In fact, she rather hoped not.
2TH rolled onto the ship. "It's all done. That cursed palace is now a bunch of rubble—and the garage is perfectly intact. I estimate it'll be emptied within two hours."
"Good."
"I think," said Doctor Ingerman slowly as he joined them, "that we have spent enough time on roundabout schemes, and that we ought to rejoin the Separatists now."
Trio called from his room, "You mean rejoin those we're separated from?"
2TH-LS went to start the ship. Astrid decided to check on Trio and make sure he was not doing anything crazy. To her relief he was wearing his normal clothes, except he still had on the long coat with the blue ringed octopus pattern. He had also added a bowtie.
"How's this?" he asked, swaying a little.
"Good enough, I suppose," she said, holding out a hand to steady him. "But lose the bowtie."
"But they're cool!"
"Not when they're black with pink polka dots they're not." And with that she pulled it from his neck (he had not tied it on properly). As if this was the time to play dress up! She smiled as if satisfied now with Trio's appearance, and then became aware of how close to each other they were standing.
He became aware of it as well. He looked into her eyes, his mouth slightly opened. It seemed as if he wanted badly to say something to her and was working up the nerve to do it.
"Astrid?"
"Yes?" she asked. The atmosphere suddenly seemed thick with tension. Trio involuntarily took a step back.
"Hiccup?"
"Yes?"
"The ladder chute—"
"What about it?"
"You're about to—"
He took another step backwards and fell down the ladder chute in question. Astrid winced as he banged into a number of barrels and tin cans.
"—about to step into it," she finished.
"This is not the best dream ever!" he moaned as he clutched his head. "Thawed out of butter, dragged from a palace, forced to change my clothes repeatedly, dropped down a chute…oh man what next, hallucinations?"
A green, furry Grouch poked his head out of a barrel and said moodily, "What's all the noise?"
"Oscar! What're you doing here?"
"Oh, just another short and random cameo."
"Consider yourself lucky," Trio laughed bitterly, "Do you have any idea what they put me through in all these starring roles?"
.
In the cells of the Shattermaster the prisoners were singing loudly and glumly.
"Sometimes I feeeeel like a motherless childddddddd
A longgggggg wayyyyyyyyys from homeeeeeeeeeee!"
It was amazing the bars did not shatter.
General Vast kicked the wall irritably. Some plaster fell to the floor. "Will you knock it off?" he yelled.
"Yeah," a fellow prisoner said, "Sing something less depressing."
"Or don't sing at all!" Vast growled. He wanted some peace and quiet so he could come up with a plan.
The prisoner chorus quietly consulted for a moment and then sang,
"It's a world of laughter, a world of—"
"SHUT UP!" Vast roared at once.
Other prisoners began laughing, perhaps for the first time in months.
"Save it for the next time Lord Dagur shows up. He hates that song."
"Hey, maybe if we sing it loud enough he'll set us free."
"More likely his head'll explode."
"I'd like to see that!"
Vast did his best to ignore them. Instead he sat back, staring at the bars that prevented him from leaving his cell, and thought of his lost family.
"Forgive me," he whispered, "I've failed you again. But it's only a temporary setback. I will avenge you, one day soon. Give me the strength I need to, and I will let nothing stand in our way. Don't worry Valka…Hal…I will finish this once and for all. I just need more time."