Chapter 12

The Centennial Condor sped its way towards Gronkle-5. Silence was everywhere on the ship. Even the engines were hardly making any noise, which was such a rarity that Trio decided to inspect the ship. Eventually he joined his black robotic friend in the cockpit.

"Our passengers are sleeping like koalas."

"Well, they have stayed up for quite a while under extremely stressful circumstances. How are you feeling? Are you coherent now?"

"Perfectly."

"So your head is on straight again? As much as it ever is, I mean."

Trio pretended to laugh at the joke. "Yes, bud, my head is just fine. And unlike our guests, I'm not tired at all. Evidently being frozen in butter is refreshing for the body."

"And speaking of which—" 2TH zapped him in the leg.

"Augh!"

"Never do that to me again! I was worried sick!"

Trio clutched his jittering limb, "I'm gonna deactivate that zapper of yours one of these days."

"You won't and you know it."

"Sheesh…I get frozen in butter, hung on a wall by our former master, behave like a drunk moron when released, and instead of showing some sympathy my best friend sends a jolt of electricity through my body." Trio threw himself into his chair, arms folded as if in a snit.

"Well if you'd stop getting yourself into these situations I wouldn't have to keep reminding you to take care of yourself."

Trio patted the robot affectionately. "I didn't exactly ask for any of that, bud."

"I know that, but still…I don't want to lose you, you know."

"And I thought robots couldn't feel anything."

"Maybe the inferior ones, perhaps, but I happen to be highly advanced!"

"And modest too," Trio muttered, "I wonder who programmed that into you."

He looked out a window at the stars. He could make out some planets nearby, great spheres floating like balloons, and to the right he could see the stunningly vivid green and red clouds of a nebula.

"It's so beautiful here in space," he said softly, "a limitless frontier where I go wherever I wish. I simply turn the ship a little and I see an object of unsurpassed beauty that no one has ever seen before. I turn the other way and see some new surprise. New planets, new species, new sights and sounds and even tastes…all of the injustices of this government and that one, all the corruption and hatred become forgotten and worthless. Who wouldn't live in space if they had a choice?"

"Nah, it would get a bit crowded if everyone thought like that."

"Way to ruin the mood, Bud." He glanced down the corridor to where the others were. "You know, I'm a bit surprised they came after me. Did you force them at zapper point?"

"I might have made some subtle hints. But the Princess Lady also seemed to think she owed you."

Trio was surprised. "She did?"

"She did. But as I said, I didn't give her much of a choice. You're welcome."

"Thank you. So we're really free from Alvin now? No more bounty hunters after our heads?"

"I don't know, honestly." 2TH suddenly sniggered. "I suppose you dreamt of her a few times while you were frozen, didn't you?"

Trio thought a moment, while trying not to blush. "I…I don't remember."

"Sure you don't."

"I don't! And even if I did, why would I—" a button began blinking and beeping, "Looks like we're coming up on Gronkle-5."

He pulled a lever and the ship suddenly slowed. Through the window, looking to the right, they could now see a gray, battered looking planet. Near it was a fleet of ships, which they took to be the Separatists. And to the left, and considerably closer to them, was another fleet of ships. At the head of this second fleet was the Shattermaster.

"Um, guys?" Trio called, "we've got a slight situation here."

Astrid came running up, "What's going on?"

"Well, we've just reached our destination, and—"

"And we're now right in front of a Federation fleet! Get us out of here!"

Trio hardly needed any urging, but the Federation ships were still moving towards them.

The Doctor had arrived now. "What are we doing over here? Our fleet's over there! We're on the wrong side!"

"Anybody can make a mistake," Trio said testily.

"Especially you,"

"Cut the jokes," Astrid ordered as she sat down near a terminal, "we've got a few minutes before the fleets engage each other." They could see the ships on both sides taking up attacking positions. "If I could transmit the map to Eren'dor to High Command right now, they could turn tail and journey there before the Federation knew what was happening!"

"The Federation will intercept your transmission." The Doctor pointed out.

"Not if their attention is focused on something else. Hiccup, can you distract them?"

Trio grinned. "Bud, hail the Shattermaster."

.

Lord Dagur was surprised to see the Centennial Condor appear out of the blue, but he was also delighted. "So we meet again! This time we'll blast you to pieces!"

"Sir!" cried Mr. Larsen, "They're signaling us!"

"Excellent! Patch them through." Lord Dagur drew himself up importantly, "now hear this! Your fleet is about to be destroyed and you along with it! Prepare yourselves for death, for today we will wipe you Separatists from the face of the Universe! And after you're all gone, never again will anyone dare oppose the Federation! Dwell on those happy thoughts while you meet your demise! Mwahahahaha!"

Mr. Larsen raised a hand timidly. "Um, sir? The transmitter wasn't turned on yet."

Dagur's face turned red. The crew had a hard time not laughing. "That…that was…that was practice! Yeah that's right: you've got to be well rehearsed when making dastardly threats, you know! Right, I'm ready now. Is the transmitter on?"

"Yes sir."

"Good! Now then," he cleared his throat and said again, "Now hear this! Your fleet is about to be—"

Over the airwaves came a nasally voice saying, "Thank you for calling Hiccup's Bar and Grill. We cannot come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. Thank you. Goodbye."

Dagur turned to Larsen in surprise. "Hiccup's Bar and Grill? What's that and why are we calling them?"

"I don't know, sir. I thought they were calling us!"

"Hmm. Try turning off the transmitter and turning it back on again."

As they did the two Androids arrived, looking weary and a little worse for wear.

This time the voice on the other end said, "Thank you for calling Hiccup's Bar and Grill. How can we help you?"

"Are you sure we're in communication with the right ship?" Dagur asked Larsen.

"Positive, sir!"

"Then why on earth is he calling himself 'Hiccup's Bar and Grill'?"

"Maybe he has a split personality?" Nut 2 suggested.

"Not likely. Maybe it's a code name." General So's said.

The Supreme Leader's voice rang out over the ship's intercom. "Or maybe this is a ruse intended to humiliate and distract us. Have you ever thought of that?"

"Of course I have." Dagur drew himself up. "All right then. Listen up, 'Hiccup's Bar and Grill': your fleet is about to be—"

The person on the other end cut in. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't hear you."

Dagur turned again to Larsen. "Is the volume working?"

"It should be!"

"Well he can't hear me, so the volume must be off."

"But it's working just fine, sir!"

"No, it's not." Trio cut in.

"See, he says it's not working!" Dagur said indignantly. "'Hiccup's Bar and Grill', can you hear me?"

"No."

"You see!"

"All the readings are correct," Larsen said nervously. The rest of the crew was listening in stunned silence.

"This is like watching a train wreck," one of them whispered to another, who nodded.

"Then why can't he hear me?" Dagur demanded.

"Perhaps you should try speaking louder, sir." Trio suggested.

"Sounds sensible," Nut 1 commented.

"Fine with me. I love shouting." Dagur said.

"What did you say, sir?" Trio asked.

"I said I love shouting!"

"What was that?"

"I SAID I LOVE SHOUTING!" Dagur roared at the transmitter.

"I'm sorry sir, but I can't hear you. Perhaps you should try speaking louder."

"I SAID I—"

"Louder, sir!"

"IF I TRY SPEAKING ANY LOUDER WE WON'T NEED THE STUPID RADIO! YOU'LL HEAR ME THROUGH THE VACUUM OF SPACE!"

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. Is there anything I can do for you?" Trio asked in a placate tone.

"YES! YOU CAN TELL YOUR SEPARATIST FRIENDS THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE IN A FEW MINUTES!"

.

Trio sat hunched over his ship's small radio. "We appreciate your feedback, sir. Have a nice day." He turned back to Astrid. "Have you sent it yet?"

2TH checked the terminal. "It'll be done in forty three point eight seconds. Keep them talking."

Astrid had caught the mischievous mood and gestured for Trio to move over so she could speak into the radio.

"Say, Lord Dagur, do you know what I learned about the season finale for 'Bertha and Neil'?"

.

Lord Dagur paled. "No! Don't say anything! I haven't seen—!"

"Lord Dagur watches that show?" a pilot said to his assistant.

Dagur heard this. "No, I mean I don't know what you're—"

Astrid went on, "Neil and Bertha get married…"

Dagur tried to pretend he was not relieved. "Oh that's…good for them. Yeah, good for all married couples!"

"One day General Eret and I will be among those," Nut 1 said dreamily.

Astrid went on, "And Bertha gives birth to a chicken!"

Dagur gasped. Nut 2 cheered.

"A Chicken which is revealed to be actually the offspring of Humperdinck's evil twin sister, the Goddess Thorita!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Dagur's reaction nearly blew out the Condor's speaker.

.

The men on the Condor were exchanging incredulous looks. The robot was thinking once again how weird homo-sapiens were. The woman was looking quite pleased with herself.

"The stuff they put in shows these days," she commented. "And the sad thing is, that might very well actually happen in that show."

"Please tell me you don't watch those shows yourself," Trio said, "Swear it right now or my respect for you will take a permanent nose dive."

She punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Of course I don't! But Dagur does! And I imagine everyone's respect for him just took a nose dive!"

.

She was right. The crewmembers could not contain themselves any longer, and started laughing at Dagur, in spite of his orders to stop.

An image of the Supreme Leader's face suddenly appeared in the middle of the room. It was amazing how quickly the room fell silent. "Lord Dagur, you have humiliated my Federation for the last time. Your command is this: nothing."

"I beg your pardon…Sir?"

The Supreme Leader's tone was final. "You're out, Dagur."

Lord Dagur cringed. "But sir—this was all part of my plan! Yeah, my evil ingenious plan to lure them into a false sense of security and hilarity! And it's working (I'm good at making plans, you know)!"

"Then you may plan how to spend your retirement. My new 'apprentice', Lord Snot, will take over. Report to my quarters."

Dagur frowned. "Lord who? You mean—that guy? That's—INCONCEIVABLE! That loser is replacing me? Me, the Illustrious and Inimitable Lord Dagur!"

"True, he is unmistakably one of a kind," Nut 1 whispered to Nut 2.

Dagur was absolutely furious now. It could not be good for his blood pressure. "THIS CAN'T BE! He's not qualified for command! I'll bet he's…he's….I'll bet he's got pictures of bikini clad Princess Astrid on his underwear!"

"I'll bet he doesn't even wear underwear," Nut 2 said to Nut 1, "he probably subscribes to the rule 'No Lingerie in Space'!"

"I'm confused. Who are we even talking about?"

"No idea. But I'll bet it's true."

But the Supreme Leader had had enough. "Dagur, report to my quarters at once."

"Can I go to mine and throw a fit, first? It might make me feel better."

"NO. And Nuts 1 and 2," the projection went on, "Report to Level 3 for Immediate Deactivation."

They exchanged horrified looks.

.

"Transmission completed!" 2TH announced. "Your Headquarters vessel has the map to Eren'dor."

Astrid smiled. "Great! Now they can send coordinates to our ships and we can get out of here!"

"One slight problem with that," the Doctor pointed towards the Federation fleet, which was getting closer to both them and the Separatists.

Trio turned to Astrid. "How fast can your HQ distribute those coordinates?"

Her smile was gone. "Not fast enough. And I suppose another distraction won't buy us any time now."

Trio turned back to the controls and gripped them tightly, a steely expression on his face. "Buckle up, everyone. Bud, accelerate the Condor to attack speed. And Astrid? You might want to tell your fleet to prepare for battle, if they aren't already."

.

Lord Dagur, or just 'Dagur' now, stormed off to his quarters to throw a fit anyway. How could this have happened? A few days ago he was the second most powerful and feared man in the galaxy! Now he was out. Replaced by a loser who was also a filthy turncoat! How could he turn this around and regain his position and reputation?

As he passed his sister's room he could faintly hear her talking. Wondering who she was talking to, he stopped to listen.

"…my brother's out of power. It won't be long now before I'm out too—yes, I know that—no, I don't think so—I think I'd better get out of here. Right, I'll join you on Eren'dor."

She came through her door and nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of her brother. "Dagur! What—I mean—what a shame Viggo's dismissed—"

Dagur's eyes lit up with sudden understanding. "You? You're the spy? You're Vogue One?"

She recovered from her surprise and indignantly said, "Of course not!"

"Then who were you talking to?"

"Myself. It's a sign of coming madness, a trait that runs deep in our family. Perhaps you should take me to a doctor."

Dagur pointed a finger at her accusingly. "Ha! You're trying to change the subject! You can't fool me! While you were learning how to spell your name I was studying multiplication tables! You're a spy for the Separatists! Admit it!"

Heather suddenly laughed. "Well it sure took you long enough to figure it out!"

Her sudden acknowledgement left Dagur almost lost for words. "This—this is terrible! This is—is a disgrace! This is—absolutely fantastic!"

"What?"

"Yes! This is perfect!" Dagur cried, excitedly jumping up and down.

Heather eyed him skeptically. "Oh? How so? Do you expect me to talk? Or do you expect me to die?"

Her brother laughed. "No, Heather, I'll do the talking, and I expect you to listen very carefully while I describe every part of my plan to you down to the last minute detail. You see, when I take you to the Supreme Leader and point out that I, Lord Dagur, have captured a Separatist spy and the source of much of our recent woes, he will restore me to my place of prominence and throw that upstart Snot out. Then everyone will acknowledge how much of a genius I am, (though it should be obvious), how inferior every opponent is (which again should be obvious), and how futile it is to resist, (another obvious point, but people just don't seem to pay attention to the obvious these days), and then we shall interrogate you and drain you of everything you know and then, instead of just shooting you on the spot, we will decide to use a method to kill you that is incredibly slowly while you get to witness all your plans and hopes fall apart and see all your loved ones suffer. Then we shall use your knowledge to destroy the Separatists forever and find the Moon of Eren'dor…" he paused to draw breath, "…and when we have done all of this, then, you have my permission to die."

He turned around and found he was alone.

"Dogone it! I've fallen victim to Monologue-itis!" he shook his head. "It's an all too common disease among us naughty people."

.

Trio's advice about preparing for a fight was unneeded. The Separatist fighters were already turning to face the Federation. It was a strange thing, but a vehicle sometimes seemed to take on human characteristics and gain a personality. In this instance, Trio thought, the Separatist fighters, which Astrid told him were called Arrowings, seemed determined to fight to the bitter end, whereas the Federation ships seemed to be like hungry wolves that had just spotted a buck.

He crossed his fingers.

Astrid looked up from the transmitter. "A message from High Command. Apparently we just got Lord Dagur fired!"

Trio grinned but the Doctor looked concerned. "I wonder who will replace him. They might get someone competent this time."

.

Lord Snot, as he was now christened, entered the Shattermaster control room. He had put on a long black cap and a black helmet with curled horns, and was doing his utmost to look as intimidating as possible.

The voice of the Supreme Leader came over the intercom. "Lord Snot, your orders are simple. Engage the enemy and wipe them out. If they turn to flee, pursue."

"Yes, my master," Lord Snot said in a deep voice that hardly matched his appearance. He pressed a button. "All ships are to attack at once!"