Chapter 13
The Separatist ships sped towards the enemy, like that many bats going after a mosquito swarm.
"All wings report in,"
"Orange Leader standing by,"
"Black Leader standing by,"
"Mauve Leader standing by,"
"Centennial Condor standing by," Trio added cheekily. He maneuvered his vessel towards the front of the Separatist column.
The ships on both sides flew in perfect formation, their turrets at the ready as they closed the gap between sides.
The Federation ships sped towards their enemy too, like that many lionesses after a herd of zebras.
"All wings report in,"
"First Expendable Squad ready to face death,"
"Second Expendable Squad ready to face death,"
"Third Expendable Squad ready to face death,"
"Lord Snot orders that no quarter be given," said one squadron leader.
"Who?"
"Just give no quarter, OK?"
Once the gap between fleets was closed, the formations dissolved into chaos. It became every ship for itself. Laser blasts flashed in every direction. Ships exploded at random instants. The radios were flooded with orders from the lowest co-pilot to the squad leaders; each person was suddenly a commander.
"Watch yourself, there's a lot of heavy fire coming from the right side of that—" Orange Leader saw an explosion on his left. "I'm thinking we need to come up with shorter warnings."
.
"I don't wanna be deactivated!" Nut 2 wailed. They were walking down a corridor towards Level 3.
"I'd do it for General Eret, but no one else!" Nut 1 agreed nervously. "But what choices have we now?"
They both looked in the direction of the Separatists.
"Shall we commit an act of Desertion?"
"Call it an act of Self-Preservation."
They nodded in sync and turned around. Abruptly Nut 2 stopped.
"But they'll just assume we're spies! How will we prove them wrong?"
They thought a moment. Nut 1 slapped her fingers.
"We rescue General Vast and bring him to them! That'll prove our loyalty! To the cells!"
Unbeknownst to them, the Lady Heather was already embarking on the same plan. Now that her cover was blown she would free the prisoners, steal a Federation ship, and escape to the Separatists.
Unbeknownst to her, the prisoners no longer needed to be rescued. General Vast, after realizing a battle was taking place and burning to join it, had become so angry he pulled apart the bars of his cell with his mighty arms. So while Heather and the two androids were heading for the cells to free the prisoners, the prisoners were heading away from the cells already freed!
.
The Condor did a flip right over an enemy ship, winding up behind it and blowing it to smithereens.
The Doctor was clenching the armrests of his wheelchair. "Don't ever do that again! Mein stomach is where mein liver used to be!"
"That's why I'm glad I don't have those things," 2TH commented. He was manning the gun turrets, as his machinery gave him a greater accuracy than any human had.
"Don't worry, Doctor, we'll keep you in one piece. And don't you worry, either, Princess, I'll get you back home safe and sound." Trio said with a cocky smile. "They haven't got a ship that can match the old Condor."
Astrid smiled ruefully. "Why do pilots always try to flirt in the middle of combat?"
"Sorry. I'll focus."
"Yes, please do. I want to get home safe and sound too."
"We are home, Bud."
There was an explosion in front of them and Astrid, who had grown fidgety at the sight of action, suddenly could be patient no longer. "Is there anything I can do to help? I hate just sitting here!"
"She could man the upper turret,"
"I don't know, Bud. Does that thing still work? It hasn't been used in months." Having a crew of only two meant some of the Condor's functions had fallen into disuse.
"I'll try it out." Astrid said, making her way of the cockpit, "What's the worst that could happen?"
"Well, we could—"
"Doctor, please don't finish that," Trio said quickly.
.
Nuts 1 and 2 had set out to free General Vast, and instead nearly ran right into him. Both sides recoiled for a moment, but then Vast raised his fists, intending to bash their android brains out.
"No, please, don't, we're on your side!" the androids shrieked so fast their words were incomprehensible.
"What are you two doing here?" the Lady Heather demanded. There were cries of impatience from the escaped prisoners. Some of them hurried past, deciding it was every man for himself.
"We've come to join you!" Nut 1 said eagerly.
"Yeah, we've come to help you escape!"
Vast raised his eyebrows. "Good job."
"Thank you, sir! Oh please, let us come with you! If you don't, we're condemned to deactivation!"
Heather and the General exchanged looks. "They might have information that could be useful…I say 'might'."
Vast shrugged. "I welcome anyone who wants to fight the Federation, but if this is a trick—" his steely expression finished the statement for him.
"Great!" Nut 1 said excitedly, "Shall we be going?"
"You're not going anywhere! Security Officer Savage—that's me—has caught you!" The Officer who appeared was flanked by numerous soldiers, all of whom had ray guns pointed at them. "We've caught you! Now you lot will be taken back to your cells, and as for the rest of you, we'll shoot you right now. And don't even think about asking for last wishes or requests!"
Nut 2 waved to his companions. "Run! Get away from here! I will prove my loyalty by dealing with this Federation slime myself!"
"Oh yes?" Savage said with a sardonic grin, "Deal with us all by your little oneself? Ha! I'll even let you make the first move!"
Nut 2 drew himself up to his full height. "You fool. I'm an android. And androids are not made exactly like people." He raised his arms and they split apart. He now had four arms and each one was armed with a ray gun. He opened fire.
Every shot missed.
His evil grin vanished. The Security Guards raised their own weapons. Nut 2 ran down the corridor screaming, the guards in hot pursuit, though their shots also missed the target. He rounded a corner and turned around. As the guards arrived he banged them in the heads with his four fists.
"HA! Did you think I was programmed to be a coward or something?"
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The Doctor was manning the scanner. "Trio, we've got one on our tail!"
"Astrid, blast him!"
Astrid's voice cackled over the radio. "I can't—when did you guys last use this thing? It's a mess! Does it even turn anymore?" They heard a horrible screeching sound, like an iron gate turning on rusty hinges.
"Perhaps it needs more maintenance than I thought…."
"Ha! I told you so!" Trio cried triumphantly.
A flash of light reminded them there was an enemy behind them. And even worse, another enemy got right in front of them.
"Well we can blast this one at any rate!" Trio grinned, and he fired. The shots missed. "Oh great. That ship's flown right into our blind spot."
"This ship has a blind spot?" the Doctor croaked.
"As I told you before—shields up!" he quickly pushed a button and the incoming shots were deflected.
"That's going to drain the power if we keep it up."
"I know, Bud, I know…" Trio growled.
"They're still behind us and getting closer!" Astrid yelled so loudly she did not need the radio to be heard. "I can't turn this thing enough to hit them!"
"Trio—!"
Trio held up a hand for silence, and then he slammed it against a big blue button. An engine in the ship's hull was activated and the Condor rose straight up like a balloon.
"Can our ships do that?" the Federation pilot wondered as his ship collided with the other one.
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General Vast paused. "All right, Heather, you get out of here."
Now she stopped. "And just what are you going to be doing?"
His eyes glinted. "I'm going to finish my mission."
"General, I'm all for taking out Viggo at some point, but now's not the best time to do it! He'll have security troops all about him now!"
"Then I'll fight my way through them!"
Heather grabbed his arm. "Sir, Viggo can wait! There'll be other times! You'll get another crack at him, I promise! Your revenge can wait a few more days, can't it? Once we get to Eren'dor and get that Stone, you can make him suffer a million times more than you could right now!"
Vast hardly noticed her holding his arm, but her words seemed to have an impact. With a growl of resignation he followed her to a hanger.
.
Contrary to what Heather assumed, the Supreme Leader was alone, seated in his chambers, meditating.
'Almighty Torque, reveal your secrets to me,' he thought over and over. 'You have never let me down be—'
An image of Alvin the Glut suddenly appeared on the wall. "Supreme Leader Viggo de Cappuccino, it's been too long! I'm comin' to—"
Viggo nearly fell out of his chair, he was so startled. Furiously he stood up and stormed over to the image and switched it off. "I do not wish to be disturbed!"
He returned to his chair to meditate again. His great hope was that the Torque would reveal the location of Eren'dor to him. Otherwise his only hope would be to follow the Separatists there. But that would mean following them at Hyperactive Speed, and that would mean crucial split second timing, of which he was not entirely sure his ships were capable. It would be better if the Torque just revealed the location to him. But at the moment he saw only a blue planet with a series of horizontal and vertical rings around it.
He squeezed his eyes shut even tighter. 'What planet is this? Where is it? Does Eren'dor orbit it? Show me! Show me!'
As he strained to pierce the veil he was completely unaware of what was going on outside his chambers. The battle in progress, the escape in progress, they were all forgotten.
.
Astrid had finally gotten the turret working enough to take part in the combat.
"Haha! Hiccup, I got another one! That makes 11!"
"…I'm on 3,"
"Ha!"
"Yeah, yeah, well you've got firepower in every direction. I don't."
2TH chuckled. "Actually, that gun can only rotate 330 degrees. It lost the ability to rotate a full 360 ever since you spilled egg yolk on the rotator wheel."
"Thanks Bud."
"What?" the Doctor cried.
"Another story, another time." Trio retorted. He was spared further questions when the ship shuddered. "See? Distract me and we get hit! Astrid, are you alright up there? Astrid? Astrid, come in!" He hit the radio, but all they heard was static. "They must've hit our communication array. Doctor, be a pal and go back and fix it please."
"But I'm a doctor, not a mechanic!"
"What kind of a doctor are you, anyway?" 2TH asked.
"I'm—another story for another time!" he yelled as he wheeled his way out of the cockpit.
"And make sure Astrid's alright!" Trio yelled after him.
"That I can do." The Doctor muttered. He looked up at the shaft that led to the upper turret. "Princess, are you alright up there?"
"Oh, I'm just fine!" she gleefully called back. "Next time you see Hiccup, tell him I'm up to 13—hold on—14 now!"
.
General Vast squeezed his massive frame into the cockpit of a Federation fighter. Much to his annoyance, Nut 1 decided to climb in after him.
"Find another ship!" he ordered.
"There aren't any!"
Heather's face appeared at the entrance hatch. "Any room for me?"
Vast might have said 'no' truthfully, but Heather had been too useful for the Separatists to be denied a spot. Even so, it was downright cramped. These fighters were not meant to hold so many people. He looked down at the console. "Right, we'll just be on our way now. But this is only a temporary respite, Viggo!" he added with a roar that made the window shudder. "I'll be back!"
"Hey, wait! You can't leave without Nut 2!" Nut 1 exclaimed.
"This ship is full enough already!"
Nut 1 climbed forward, grabbed part of the controls and detached them. "We're not going anywhere without my He-Android counterpart!"
"Talking about me?" Nut 2 asked, poking his head in through the opened hatch. "Any room?"
Vast was wondering if this was really happening. It took a great deal of effort for Nut 2 to get in. He had to crawl over people, and his limbs kept coming in contact with other bodies. And he still had his arms separated, which made the poking and prodding even worse.
"Sheesh, do you sharpen your elbows with a file or something?" Heather snapped as she rubbed her newly jabbed stomach. General Vast was leaning forward so much his face was pressed against the front (and only) window.
"I need a seatbelt! Where's a seatbelt?"
"There aren't any seatbelts in Federation vehicles." Vast impatiently growled. "They don't have the budget."
"But they still have the budget for a Jacuzzi and—"
"Sir, can we get going?" Heather hinted.
"YES!"
"Wait! We forgot General Eret!" Nut 1 wailed.
But this time she was shouted down. There was not enough room for a cat, let alone another large man. But she argued back regardless.
"We are leaving now!" Vast yelled over the noise. "Where's the—" Then he remembered that Nut 1 was still holding part of the controls. "Dear Odin, you have got to be kidding me!"
"I'll give it back once we get General Eret!" she declared.
"Give it!"
The ship almost fell over from the massive scuffle that was going on inside it. And when they finally got the piece from Nut 1 they still had to figure out how to reattach it.
"This just isn't our day, is it?" Heather muttered gloomily.
"I know. I may never see General Eret again." Nut 1 sniffed.
Heather elbowed her.
.
The battle was a stalemate thus far. For every ship the Separatists destroyed a new one appeared, and the same could be said for the Federation. Neither side seemed to be making any headway against the other. To those monitoring the progress it seemed that the only way to win would be to slug it out for hours, inflicting and receiving horrible casualties, until one side finally collapsed.
Time after time a squadron of ships would group together and charge in, swoop over a larger vessel and deliver shot after shot, then fly away triumphantly, convinced they had just scored a decisive blow, only to be attacked by a squadron of enemy fighters and blasted to pieces. And these tactics went on and on over and over again.
Astrid could feel a sense of growing concern. Even if the Separatists won this one, which was not certain, what would the cost be?
.
Lord Snot was having similar thoughts, though he was more frustrated by the lack of progress than concerned for the lives of the pilots. He decided the best way to achieve victory would be to demoralize the enemy and call upon them to surrender. To do that, he would reveal himself to them.
"Prepare the transmitter!" he ordered.
He did not know it, but this was the main reason for why the Supreme Leader had wanted him to join up in the first place. Supreme Leader Viggo hardly cared about Lord Snot's military or leadership abilities—he had more than enough faith in his own—but the knowledge that a superb Separatist pilot had been induced to switch sides would be a heavy blow to them and their supporters.
So, Lord Snot stood before the microphone and said, "Now listen here! Your—err—" he lost his train of thought, "Your fleet is soon to be destroyed and you with it! Prepare yourselves for…death, yeah, for today we're gonna wipe you Seps from the face of the world—I mean Universe—"
.
The crew on the Condor froze in their seats.
"Is that Snot's voice?" Astrid asked.
"I think so," the Doctor said hoarsely.
They had a notion that other pilots were asking the same thing. Was one of their Aces threatening them?
Astrid suddenly roared and pounded her fist against the nearest wall. "THAT DIRT BAG! THAT ROTTEN NO GOOD SON OF A SLUG! I'LL PULL HIS BONES OUT OF HIS RIBS ONE AT A TIME AND USE THEM TO CLEAN THE SNOT OUT OF HIS BIG FAT NOSE!"
"Remind me never to get on her bad side, Bud," Trio whispered. He at least was not really put out by this new development.
"Hiccup, turn this ship around this minute! We're going to attack the Shattermaster! We'll turn that traitor and his new 'friends' into asteroids!"
He might have agreed, but a long awaited response came through on their radio. "The coordinates have been distributed! Everyone is ordered to disengage and fly to Eren'dor at once!" 2TH announced.
Astrid bit her lip.
"Princess," the Doctor said gently, "once we get the Stone—"
"Stone?" Trio repeated, frowning, "this has all been about a rock?"
It vaguely occurred to Astrid that Trio had never been fully informed of what was going on, but that could wait. Meanwhile, Snot was still talking on the radio. He was getting into his stride now and filling the airwaves with boasts and threats and his grievances.
She clenched her fist and said, "Oh all right. Orders are orders. We'll fly to Eren'dor. But Hiccup, couldn't you…you know, give them a parting shot?"
He grinned and pressed a button. "As you wish, milady. I've been saving this little toy for a special occasion."
.
"—and if you people had actually taken me into your confidence, had shown your trust and affection for me, I might—"
The Shattermaster suddenly shook. A tub of equipment fell right onto Lord Snot's head. As he slipped into unconsciousness he could faintly hear the crew around him shouting.
"Our communications array has been destroyed!"
"We've lost radio control!"
"I can't contact our ships!"
"The Soap Opera signals have been jumbled!"
There was a second, but much smaller tremor, which caused even more yelling that Lord Snot did not hear.
"What's this gray stuff on the windows?"
"Can you see anything?"
"How do we get it off?"
"I don't know!"
"Can our ship do that?"
.
"The first projectile," Trio explained, "was originally a heat seeking missile, but I modified it to target radio waves instead of heat. It probably wasn't necessary to use, really, but I just felt like shutting him up."
"And the second projectile?" Dr. Ingerman asked.
"That was a sack of potatoes."
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Organic warfare. Wow. What next? Shall we fire the kitchen sink at them?"
Trio was indignant. "Hey! We need a sink in the kitchen!"
"Speak for yourself," 2TH commented, "Shall we make the jump?"
But then the engines wheezed loudly.
"Oh not again! Not now!" Trio yelled.
"I'll fix it!" Astrid announced. She slid down the ladder and rushed to the Hyperactive Drive and kicked it. Then she screamed in pain. Trio arrived to find her clutching her foot.
"Well do you think I kick it with my real leg?" he asked with amusement. He kicked the machine with his metal leg and it roared to life once more. "I suppose that evens the score now?"
Astrid grinned despite her injury. "Oh no you don't! I still beat you! My final count was 31 and yours is still at 18!"
"Hey, doesn't that shot at the Shattermaster count for anything?"
"Fine, I'll give you a bonus of 2. That still leaves you behind by 11."
He groaned dramatically. "All right, fine, milady. You win this round."
Astrid just laughed as he helped her to her feet. "Something to keep in mind, Hiccup: I always win."
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"You know," Dr. Ingerman remarked to 2TH, "I've known the Princess for a long time, and I've never seen her laugh as much as she has these past few days."
"Typical Homo-sapiens,"
.
Lord Snot finally came to after they gotten the mashed potato bits off the windows, which was not easy as the ship did not even have windshield wipers (it was not part of the Federation budget and, let us face it, how many people expect to need windshield wipers in Outer Space?).
"Lord Snot, can you hear me?" an anxious Mr. Larsen asked, crouching over him.
"Yes, I'm fine." He got to his feet. "Where are the Separatists? Are they wiped out?"
"I'm afraid, sir, in your…err….absence, they've gotten away."
Lord Snot suddenly felt a twinge of fear. If they got away, he would end up like Lord Dagur, wherever the heck that man was. "It can't be! We had them! It can't be!" He rushed to the now clean window, but all he saw were stars. "NOOOOOOOOO!"
He became aware that everyone was staring at him. "Um…I mean…all part of my brilliant plan!"
I doubt he fooled anyone. And while the Separatists might have fled the battlefield, this felt more like defeat than victory.
.
As for Lord Dagur, he was still on the Shattermaster, in his quarters. "I'll get even yet! We'll find a way to Eren'dor! Then I'll sneak off this ship, capture every Separatist singlehandedly, then Viggo'll be begging me to come back, I'll throw that upstart Snot into the trash compactor, then I'll demand an endless supply of chocolate and soap operas, and I'll never have to listen to people make fun of my blood pressure again!" He grinned. "I love the plans I come up with!" He looked at a mirror. "Am I not so smart?"
Yes, each and every person's plan seemed to hinge upon them getting to Eren'dor. Yet at the moment only the Separatist ships were heading there. The Federation ships were going nowhere and it seemed likely they would stay that way.
Or would they? The Supreme Leader Viggo de Cappuccino was still meditating and seeing visions. And for him, at any rate, the clouds of uncertainty were lifting, bit by bit.