Chapter 16

Soon enough the cave turned into a ravine. "The Ravine of Doom, huh?" Trio paused to look around and 2TH caught up with him.

"You were going to do this without me!" the robot accused.

"I was not! I knew you'd come with me. I thought that went without saying." Trio replied, "Whew! Am I glad to be away from those Separatists! Maybe once we get that Stone I'll make myself the new Supreme Leader. That would show them!"

"Would you really?"

"Aw, probably not. I don't want to be a ruler. Still, can you believe those guys? We bring them Astrid and that map, we fight alongside them, and now we're going after the thing they want more than any other, and how do they treat us? Like 'Suspicious Characters'!" He kicked the soft ground. "Why do people always like calling me names?"

"So if we're not doing this for them or for ourselves, why are we doing it?"

Trio shrugged. "Maybe because it's the right thing to do. Or maybe because the Federation is even worse. Or maybe because I'll take a chance to show that I'm better than people give me credit for. Or maybe—"

"Or maybe it would please a certain princess of the Homo-Sapiens. Am I correct? "

"I didn't say that—but yes, it would." He added, blushing.

"I knew it! We're going to risk limbs and appendages for a bunch of people who don't like us because one of them happens to look appealing to you and it's making the hormones in your head kick into overdrive!"

"There's more to it than hormones, Bud," Trio said softly, "there has to be." He looked at his friend and put a hand on his metal casing. "But if you don't care for my reasons, what are you in this for? You could've just gone back to wait at the ship."

"I'm here because you are. I thought that went without saying. You'll never make it without me and you know it! Why, the last time you went off on your own you got frozen in butter!"

Trio sighed heavily. "Right as always, I suppose."

"Of course I am!" the robot said brightly, "so where to now?"

They kept walking forward, as there was nowhere else to go. Of course, most people only ever walk forward, because forward is usually the direction we instinctively walk. After a few minutes they noticed a curious plume of green smoke rising over the walls of the canyon. At length they turned a corner and found a man sitting cross-legged before them. I call him a man, but it was such a man as they had never seen before—and please believe me when I say they had seen some odd men before. He was large, with a big plump belly. He wore loose and baggy green clothes. And he had two heads. Two heads that were hardly human at all, but more like the heads of iguanas. Even stranger, his two necks were very thin, and each was nearly three feet long, with spines running down their backsides. This unusual person had a hookah pipe in one mouth, and when the other mouth opened green smoke wafted out.

The person (or was it persons? Trio wondered. They did, after all, have two heads) did not seem surprised to have company. It—he—they—whichever you please—looked at Trio and 2TH with bemused expressions.

The Head on the Right spoke first. "Thou—"

"—Art—" said the one on the Left.

"—Whom?" The two said together. They spoke in languid tones and drew each word out for several seconds longer than generally needed.

Trio and 2TH exchanged looks of uncertainty. Or rather, Trio did: 2TH could not change his facial expressions.

Trio finally spoke, "I'm H. Trio. Who are you?"

"Whom—"

"—In—"

"—Deed!" The two heads started laughing eerily. Then one of them burped. The other wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Oh, there you go again, always ruining the atmosphere with your stupid digestive problems!"

"My stupid digestive problems? What about you? Practically everything we eat makes you sick!"

The Left Head turned to 2TH, "See what I have to put up with? Consider yourself lucky you don't have another head—though it would certainly be an improvement in your case—"

"What!"

"Oooh," the two Heads said together.

"What strange sounds—"

"—it's making!"

"What's it saying?"

Evidently they could not understand the robotic language 2TH used.

"Wait!" cried the Right Head, "I know what it's saying! It's saying 'he's so handsome and the other one is downright ugly'!"

"Am not!"

"I wouldn't have said just the other one is ugly," 2TH said slyly.

"See there?" cried the Left Head, "he's saying that I am 'so smart and clever and the other one is a big buffoon'! And he snores too!" he added angrily.

"Well if you would help me blow my nose every night I wouldn't have to breathe through my mouth, but nooooo, it's always 'pick your stupid nose yourself!' I ask you, how can anyone survive such treatment?"

Trio coughed. "Um…excuse me, but I thought there was supposed to be some kind of challenge here? A test of the Torque and all that?"

The Two Heads, which had begun headbutting each other, dropped their quarrel at once and looked positively delighted.

"The Challenge!"

"The Second Test!"

"The Grand Daddy of them all!"

"Prepare yourself, young mortal!"

"Hardly anybody, in all of our four hundred and—and—"

"80 billion,"

"Right, 4 hundred and 80 billion years—and 3 weeks, 2 days and 12 minutes—"

"—has ever managed to win!"

Trio began to feel nervous and hoped they exaggerated. "What kind of test is this exactly?"

"A duel!" the Heads cried.

Trio felt better now. The man did not appear to be much of a fighter. He was sure he could handle such a fight. Unless, of course, the man would not be the one he was fighting. He stomach turned as he wondered if the man was going to summon some horrid beast.

"And what a duel!" the Right Head cried.

"A duel of epic proportions!"

"What kind of duel? Who am I fighting against?" Trio asked, looking around.

"Us!"

"With—"

They began pounding the ground with their feet and hands, making a weird drumming sound.

"—Insults!" they cried.

Trio staggered. "Sorry?"

"Was that not dramatic enough?" the Right Head asked anxiously.

"You could've done better." The Left one retorted.

"I had perfect timing!"

Trio held up his hands, "No, I meant this is a duel of…insults?"

"YES!" The Heads screamed.

Trio slowly sat down. "Ground rules?"

"You insult us—"

"—we insult you—"

"—first one to break or run out of ideas loses!" they cried.

Trio managed to smile. "Well then. Uh…you go first."

The Left Head spoke eagerly, "Your mother's got bricks in her head!"

Trio's face fell. "I've never had a mother."

The excitement instantly departed from the two heads. "Oh gosh, I'm sorry,"

"Yeah, that was hitting below the belt," the Right Head agreed.

"We'll start over, how's that? That one doesn't count."

They spoke so gently that Trio smiled shyly and waved his hand dismissively. "Let it go. My turn: hmm…well, my mom may have had bricks in her head, but you guys must have nothing in your heads if that's the best insult you could come up with!"

"Oooh!" cried the Right Head, cringing. 2TH chuckled.

"I was just warming up!" cried the Left. "I've got plenty of good insults! When you're 4 hundred and 80 billion years, 3 weeks, 2 days and 12 minutes old, you've have plenty of time to come up with them!"

"Got any other hobbies?" Trio asked.

"Smoking, for one."

"And shouldn't it be more like 15 minutes old now?"

"He's sharp," the Left Head commented to 2TH.

"Yeah, sharp as pile of cookie dough!" sneered the Right Head.

I should note, that though this might sound downright mean, the two Heads were clearly saying these things in the spirit of mischief and did not intend for any of it to be taken personally. It was just friendly banter to them, and when Trio got them good they laughed as loudly as anyone.

Trio soon caught the spirit and drew himself up, like a prize fighter ready to take on his next opponent. "I'd hang a portrait of you boys in a bar because nothing will make drunkards throw up like the sight of you two!"

"ARGGH!" cried the Right.

"Oh yeah?" said the Left, "All the drunkards are getting drunk because they're trying to forget the sight of you, you miserable little pile of artichoke fuzz!"

"Hear that, Bud? That was kinda creative."

The two Heads were delighted. "Really?"

"Does this mean we win?"

"Really. I mean, you've just proven you're not as stupid as you look—but then again, nobody could be! And no," he added as they scowled, "You haven't won and you're not going to."

.

Lord Snot decided it was time to cement his authority with the crew of the Shattermaster. And the instant he entered one of the various crew quarters he was appalled.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

The crewmen looked up from their card game. The table was covered with a pile of plastic chips and the air had the scent of alcohol, which was supposed to be forbidden. The crewmen were unshaven, unwashed, and their clothes were wrinkled. To Lord Snot, who fancied himself a top notch drillmaster, it was a terrible sight.

Now, it is important to note that the Shattermaster was a huge ship, and consequently many had only been informed of Lord Dagur's sacking indirectly, and even more still had no idea who had replaced him or what he looked like. So instead of leaping to attention and saluting, as Lord Snot had expected, these crewmen stayed in their chairs and looked up irritably.

"Is that question rhetorical?" one asked.

"Yeah, buzz off."

"Disgraceful! Playing cards in my presence!" Lord Snot furiously grabbed the cards in one man's hands and threw them on the floor.

"HA! I knew you were bluffing!" a Sergeant cried once he saw them.

"Argh!" the man stood up and rounded on Snot. He was nearly a foot taller than him. "Twenty-five on the table and you just blew my chances!"

"Twenty-five!" Snot snorted, "Please, you can make that much in an hour."

"I make that much in a week!"

Snot drew himself up pompously. "Then let this be a lesson! No one plays cards, stays seated, talks back, gambles, talks rudely, wears underwear, sings, throws up, eats, drinks, watches movies, flirts, walks, vandalizes, cooks—"

"Couldn't we get the short list?" one of them mumbled.

"—or plays jump rope in Lord Snot's presence!"

"Lord Snot? Who the blinkity-blankity so-and-so is Lord Snot?"

"I am!"

"I figured that, but who are you?"

Another crewman snorted. "Ain't you the Ace who sold out his friends?"

"I didn't—"

The men laughed. "Right! He is!"

"He's a Sep!"

"Hey lads, he thinks he can separate us from our game!"

"Here, Ace, have the Ace of Clubs, and beat yourself over the head with it!"

Lord Snot got even angrier. "I am your commander now, and I order you—"

They laughed harder, and Lord Snot found he was having trouble coming up with a comeback. He tried the Torque move the Supreme Leader had used earlier, but it only made them laugh even more.

"Ooooh, we're so scared!"

Snot abruptly picked up the poker chips and threw them into the air. "Who dares to question Lord Snot's authority?" He demanded, and for a change he looked almost intimidating. But his semi-impressive figure was quickly cut short when the chips began plopping down on his head, startling him. One would have suspected the crewmen could not have laughed any harder than before, but they did. Snot stormed away shouting, "Just you people wait! I'll stuff grenades down your boxers! Where's the armory?"

.

The Shattermaster's chief Chemist held a test tube over another. "All set?"

"Ready sir,"

"Right…steady now. Remember everyone, if we overdo this by just a few drops…"

"We could all end up in body bags," laughed one assistant nervously.

Another spoke with a hoarse voice. "Oh don't be so gloomy! This concoction isn't that powerful!"

"Sure, it'll just blow us into the next room."

The Chemist very slowly tilted the tube and very slowly let a drop slide out.

"Good…just a little more…"

"Careful, sir," one aid squeaked.

"Relax, Spotty, it'll be fine…steady…steady…"

The door suddenly burst opened. The startled chemists jumped.

"WHERE'S THE STUPID ARMORY?" Lord Snot roared.

.

The crewmen were picking up the poker chips when they heard a horribly loud 'BOOM!'

"Yikes! Are we under attack?"

They rushed to the door and down the corridor. They were joined by a multitude. As they hurried towards the source of the commotion Lord Snot, covered in black soot, was walking in the other direction, hoping nobody would notice him. He hoped in vain, for everyone watched him go with stunned and amused expressions.

"That wasn't the armory," he muttered lamely.

He went to his quarters. What a mess, and it was practically still only his first day.

"Right. What else can go wrong?" he asked heavily.

And once he entered his room he found Alvin the Glut had somehow broken in and gotten into his can of chocolates.

"WHAT ARE YOU—!"

"Why are you all covered in soot?" Alvin asked with his mouth full.

"THOSE ARE—THOSE ARE—MY CHOCOLATES!"

"Well I'm hungry!" Alvin the Glut whined pathetically.

As crewmen carried the unconscious chemists to the so-called medical bay (there was no budget for a proper facility) they heard a tremendous scuffle and a lot of screaming and squealing coming from Lord Snot's room.

"MINE! (OUCH!) MINE! (ARGH!) MINE! (OW!)"

.

General Vast tapped his foot impatiently. "What's taking him so long?"

"Oh calm down," Gobber said cheerfully.

But given how close they were to success and how little they could do to influence it now, the Separatists could not stay calm. The Terrors, who might have been a source of distracting amusement, were sitting in crevices, silent but twitching with excitement, like kids just before birthday presents are brought out. The two androids quickly got bored with watching them and left the cave to find something to do. General Vast almost joined them but Gobber grabbed him.

"I hear footsteps! General Vast, if this is who I think it is—and who else could it be?—then you're going to be very glad you stayed here!" He pointed to yet another corner of the cave (how many did it have? they wondered), somewhat higher up than they were, where light was suddenly poking through. Evidently this corner was connected to an entrance. They could now see the dark shape of a person in the gloom.

The Terrors went "oooh!" and cried "It's Queen Arsenic Loraine!" They quickly got in a line and bowed. A hush fell upon everybody. Even Gobber stiffened his posture to something more formal. Heather and the General watched with mounting tension as this person approached. Their minds were racing with questions. Who was this Queen, why were the Terrors so in awe of her, and what would she do when she learned of their presence? They watched the Queen advance with slow, deliberate steps.

And then she slipped on the cheesy floor and tumbled, with a shriek, all the way down to where they were sitting, landing right in front of General Vast.

The Terrors cheered. General Vast looked down at the woman before him and his heart nearly stopped.

He was looking at his wife.

.

"…and if I truly wanted to torture the Federation I'd hire you to sing for them," Trio said. "But I'm not that vindictive of a man, so I suppose you'll just have to sing for each other. And I'm sure it'll be nice having an audience member who can't run away!" As he had with every insult, the two headed man laughed loudly and hard.

"He's good!"

"Well," Trio smiled patronizingly, "where is Fancy bred? In the Heart or in the Head?"

"Why is the bread fancy and what would it be doing in the cranium or the heart muscle?" 2TH asked, puzzled. Trio sniggered into his hand.

"He's…well…" the other head was trying to make a comeback, but he running on fumes by then. "He's…he's dumb!"

The Right Head groaned. "That's the best you've got?"

"I panicked, all right?"

"Oh that's fine," Trio replied, "I must be dumb indeed because, as they say, it takes one to know one! But I've truly met my match in you, you sons of purple spotted triple tailed bilge rats from the planet Moronicus!"

The Left Head sighed wearily, "I've got nothing."

"Me neither."

2TH beeped impatiently. "Does that mean we won?"

"Yes—" the Heads resumed their dreamlike way of speaking.

"You—"

"—passed—"

"—the test."

"We will diminish—"

"—and go into the west,"

"Why?" Trio asked, "What's in the west?" He turned to look, and when his gaze returned he found the man was gone. A cloud of green smoke drifted into the air.

"Well that was…interesting."