Chapter 21
The Separatists were busy as beavers getting their ships ready for the long journey home. Trio watched the loading progress from a distance, eager to keep away from the chaos of finding a place for everyone and everything. The Stone rested safely in his pocket. With it in their possession, the Supreme Leader incapacitated, and the Shattermaster now lying in the ground, incapable of flight, the Separatists had no reason to stay on Eren'dor any longer than necessary. They had a government to take control of and reorganize.
Getting off at first seemed a daunting task. For starters, when the Shattermaster had crashed, most Federation fighters had turned tail and foolishly fled into space or landed and surrendered, along with the Shattermaster's crewmen who had survived the crash. The net result was more prisoners than the Separatists could handle. They did not prove a threat, for with the defeat of their flagship and leaders the heart went out of the Federation soldiers, but it was still a great many people to feed and guard and transport.
Fuel had been a more pressing worry. After a very long journey and the battle, not to mention the space battle that had come before either of those, most ships were running on fumes. In fact, the actions of Nut 2 and the Doctor had infuriated the Separatist High Command, who had been hoping to use the Shattermaster's captured fuel for their own ships, but that idea was a pipe dream now. General Vast was particularly incensed. Not only was he anxious about the fuel, but with Alvin the Glut turned into human flambé and the Supreme Leader turned into a building block (and Trio reluctant to change him back), the only leads for finding his lost son were gone. There was not much Trio could do about the latter, but it was he who came through for them with the former. After several attempts with very mixed results—including mistakenly turning a spaceship into a water bottle—he managed to use the Stone to create several large and full fuel tanks.
"I suppose I should see how 2TH is doing getting the Condor ready," he said at length.
The Terrible Terrors were heartbroken at the notion of Trio leaving them, and it was with great effort that he managed to stop them from clinging to his legs. Yet when he offered to take them with him they flat out refused. They would not leave their moon, not for anything. Neither would Gobber when Trio asked him.
"I'm better off here than anywhere else," he replied. "Here I can commune with the Torque without any-thin' to distract me—except the locals." He added with a smile at the little dragons, who were delighted their fat friend would not be leaving.
"To each their own," Trio replied, shaking hands with him. "Take care of yourself." He was about to walk away, but a last thought came to him and he turned back. "Say, Gobber, what exactly was that you were hinting about before the fighting? You knew something the rest of us didn't. What was it?"
Gobber smiled. "I knew the outcome of the fighting before it happened. The Torque revealed it to me."
Trio looked skeptical.
"After all ya've seen, you still doubt the Power of the Torque?" Gobber inquired.
"I'm a bit perplexed, that's all."
"It can be hard to wrap yer head around, I suppose, Lad." Gobber put a hand on Trio's shoulder. "The Torque knew how terrible a man Don Viggo de Cappuccino-whatshisname was. It was the Torque that led men to create the map to this moon. It was the Torque that led Heather to hearing of it and informing you of it. It was the Torque that let the Separatists steal it, and it was the Torque that led all of you here. The Torque saw to it that General Vast would reunite with his wife, and it was the Torque that chose this you to obtain the Stone, so that you could use it to finish the Don off once and for all! And through all of this the Torque planted false visions in Viggo's head, to make him believe the Torque was on his side. Don't you see? Everything that has transpired has done so according to the Will of the Torque!"
Trio frowned. "But if the Torque wanted Viggo dead, couldn't it have just blasted him with lightning or something?"
Gobber pointed a finger at him. "Do not question the Will of the Torque!"
Trio coughed. "If what I've just heard is the truth, let me point out that Don Viggo didn't question the Will of the Torque and now he's a brick."
"Wot are ya gonna do with that brick, anyway?"
Trio smiled. "Oh, I'll think of something." He paused and spoke hesitantly. "You say the Torque is all-knowing? Do you think, then, it could…help me find out who my family is and who I really am?"
"Well, lad—"
"She's all ready to go, so let's get going!" 2TH-LS called out from the Condor. Trio, giving one last look and wave at Gobber and the Terrors, went to his ship. Gobber watched him go. He raised his metal arm in salute and said solemnly, "May the Torque be always in your favor."
.
Several weeks passed since the events on Eren'dor. Time pressed with many cares for some, but for Nut 1 they were weeks of unending happiness. Little did she take heed of anything when she took a shuttle to the planet of Ljkasfga, where Nut 2 had settled. Little did she care if she was wearing a white dress with a 12 foot long veil for all to see. Little did she care if she giggled all the time and people looked at her. Little did she care for anything except for the fact that she was married!
She got off the shuttle and hurried over to Nut 2, who was wearing a plaid shirt, a straw hat several sizes too big, and overalls.
"So how'd the wedding go?" he asked, "Sorry I couldn't have been there, but you know how it is with farms—there's always so much to do!"
"It was wonderful!" she sang. She thought she might burst with happiness. Behind her came a decidedly dejected and weary General Eret. She clung to his arm as if her life depended on it. "We're going to be so happy, aren't we, hubby?"
"Indeed," the General replied. His tone carried absolutely no conviction.
Nut 2 pulled the strand of hay from his mouth and said, "Why the long face? If you married her you must've wanted to."
"He did!"
"I did." General Eret said heavily, "When I saw the moonlight shining on the supple curves of the electric scimitar she was pointing at my throat, I very much wanted to marry her."
"And we're going to live happily ever after," Nut 1 said dreamily. "A nice house, dozens of android children, parties every other night that always involve destroying things—it'll be great! And who knows? Maybe we'll find someone for you to marry, my male-android counterpart!"
He shook his head. "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm married to my work."
"But there must be more to life than Chicken Farms!"
"Hah! Not in my book! Not that I have a book—I hate 'em—but you get the general idea—c'mon, I'll give you a tour."
The androids started walking, but Eret had to be practically dragged by his overexcited new bride.
Nut 2 spoke without paying much attention to the newlyweds, "You know, I wanted to hire Trio to be my stable boy, but he turned me down, the ungrateful little tramp!"
"Where is he now, anyway?" Nut 1 asked.
"Beats me."
"Say, who's that?" Nut 1 pointed down the road. A four legged man was coming up it.
"Beats me. I've never seen him before in my life."
They watched in silence as the stranger approached them. He had a smack of authority about him. "Special Undercover Agent X Cubed. Am I speaking with Nut 2, alias Nut 2?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I've a report on you—said you stole Farmer Norbert Nogurt's Chickens from his Egg and Nut Farm. Capitol offense. Could get you imprisoned for the rest of your unnatural life."
Nut 1 stared at her counterpart in amazement. Nut 2 said at once, "Oh no, sir I didn't—I didn't steal any chickens, not me, sir. They're all right in the henhouse, as a matter of fact." He pointed in that direction.
"Oh I see. So they are. Well, have a nice day." And with that Agent X Cubed walked back to his vehicle and drove off. Nut 2 breathed a sigh of relief.
.
It was around 2 in the morning. Special Undercover Agent X Cubed was in bed, fast asleep, and snoring like an elephant. His whole flat was still as death, though by no means as silent as the grave, as the irritable neighbors could attest.
Suddenly Agent X Cubed woke up and sat bolt upright. "Wait a minute—!"
.
2TH-LS was before a counter at the Scrap-Iron Bank and growing more irritated by the second. "I said I want to rent a Safe-Deposit Box!"
The old clerk who was supposed to be assisting him scratched his ear. "De posit? Wot's de 'posit' and why's it safe? Why should ah pause it?"
"That's not what I'm asking!"
"De cat, does 'e paws it?"
"Who said anything about a cat?"
"Ooh! I got it! De cat, 'e paws the box!"
At this 2TH turned around and rolled away. The old clerk shook his head.
"Weell, wot d'ya x-pect from them robots? I prefer cats eny-way."
The instant 2TH was outside he let out a loud yell—by his definition. To everyone nearby it sounded like a Styrofoam being dragged against cardboard magnified a dozen times. "STUPID HOMO-SAPIENS!"
He suddenly became aware that there a white robot nearby was staring at him. "Is there a problem?" it asked. Its voice box had a female tone.
"I just get sick and tired of dealing with these people and their stupid ways. Why can't they ever be as smart as we robots are?"
The white robot nodded. "You'd think the ones who built us would be able to use the brains in their craniums better."
The answer pleased 2TH and he examined the robot more attentively. She was egg shaped, with the wider end serving for her head. This and her fin-like arms were detached from the rest of her body. Her eyes were sky blue and, unlike 2TH-LS, who showed considerable wear and tear, her body was sleek and clean, as if she was fresh off the assembly block.
He nodded at her response. "I mean, I just want to deposit this item somewhere safe, and the teller couldn't even understand me!"
"Oh I know what that's like," she said miserably, "I have to translate all the time because nobody bothers to study languages. I know 6 million and twenty-two and my owner can't even make an effort to learn one!" She eyed him curiously. "What were you trying to deposit?"
"Oh, just a little something valuable that we picked up on our travels."
"You travel?"
"All the time."
She huffed. "I never get to go anywhere off this rock."
"It was like that for me once," 2TH said sympathetically.
"It was?"
"It was. And then I met the only Homo-sapien I respect, and we've been adventuring ever since!"
"That must be wonderful." She said, a little enviously.
"It is."
"It is?"
"It is."
There was a moment where they just looked at each other, and then 2TH said, "Would you want to get some oil with me?"
"Well, my owner expects me back in….sure, why not?"
And off they went to get some oil.
.
Many of the Federation's higher ranking members were now prisoners. A portion of these were sitting in a holding cell with nothing to do but watch TV and worry about the upcoming hearings.
And there was only one thing on TV that they were allowed to watch: the new season of Neil and Bertha. Their eyes were glued to the monitor.
"'Oh Neil, I've been thinking about it, and I sense it's time for you to meet my father!'"
"'Oh Bertha, how I've been anxiously awaiting this day! But…what if he doesn't like me?'"
"'Oh he will, my beloved, he will! Here he is!'"
The prisoners sat up eagerly.
"'Um…Bertha? That's a brick.'"
The prisoners exchanged confused glances.
Bertha sniffed. "'Yes. He's always been the strong and silent type. Ever since mother turned into a stuffed ermine and my little sister became a—'"
But then the announcer spoke. "'What did Bertha's little sister become? Find out in next week's episode of Neil and Bertha!'" And with that the TV was switched off.
There were shouts of outrage from the prisoners.
"Another cliffhanger!"
"What happens next?"
"We have to wait a whole week!"
"Oh come on, don't leave us hanging like that!" Mr. Larsen yelled at the black screen.
At once the other inmates shuddered. "Don't say that word!"
"Hanging! Brrr!"
All at once everyone's thoughts were back on the upcoming hearings. "We're doomed. Each and every one of us."
Mr. Larsen alone seemed optimistic. "Well you know, I for one have found jail to be an excellent place for personal reflection!"
The others stared at him. "What?"
"And I believe that my time here is turning me into a better person." Mr. Larsen continued brightly.
His cheerful words were rewarded with swats, slaps, and groans from each and every one of his fellow inmates.
.
Trio paced back and forth in the palace courtyard. It was a lovely place, filled with blooming plants and trickling fountains. It was just the sort of spot a member of the monarchy might retire to for some peace and meditation. And he was horribly self conscious about how drab he looked in comparison: he was dressed in his usual clothes and those still showed the wear and tear from his fight two weeks ago. Not to say he had been wearing them every day since then: he had simply neglected to get all the stains out and mend the holes.
"You're here!"
He turned around and his throat went dry. Princess Astrid was standing in the doorway of the courtyard. He had been so used to seeing her in fighting garb he had almost forgotten that as a Princess she was expected to dress lavishly. She was wearing a forest green dress without any sleeves or neck. Glittering gems were sewn into it, and in her hair were strands of rubies. He decided then and there he had never seen a more beautiful sight in all his life.
She approached him eagerly. He suddenly remembered court etiquette and bowed. "You're Highness."
"Oh, don't go getting all formal with me." She walked right up to him and embraced him. Once the pleasant surprise wore off he hugged her back.
"So is it done? Has your father recognized you as his daughter again?"
She nodded excitedly. "All done. I'm royalty once again."
"Good for you. I'm happy for you." He said, and he meant it. Still, he avoided her gaze. "I suppose you've summoned me here to say goodbye?"
She put her hands on her hips and frowned. "Goodbye?"
"Yeah, you know, princesses and mercenaries don't really associate much, so I figured we probably won't get to see each other again, and, well, that's—"
"And exactly why can't princesses and mercenaries associate much?"
"Well, you know…you're at the top of society, I'm at the bottom. You're a war hero who's going to rule a planet sooner or later—I'm a 'Suspicious Character' whose possessions were largely stolen from deceased gangsters, I don't even have any kind of family to speak of—"
"And do you think I seriously care about where you came from?" she demanded.
He shook his head sadly. "No, but I imagine others will say you should."
She shook her head too. "Hiccup, you're not exactly—a 'suspicious character'? Whatever gave you that idea?—you're the man who broke the Federation's back! You're also the man who possesses the Stone of the Torque! You can do practically anything you want! You could rule the galaxy if you wanted to!"
"And I don't."
"I know that." She eyed him curiously. "Where is the Stone, anyway?"
"2TH is looking after it right now. He's finding a safe place for it."
"Good. I don't like the idea of it being unprotected any more than I liked the idea of you using it to power the Condor's engines!"
Trio grinned sheepishly. "Sure gave a kick to the old girl, though, didn't it? She's the ship that can travel 12 parsecs in that many seconds—she doubled the distance at half the travel time that day!"
"And nobody's stomach settled down until we landed again." Princess Astrid smiled at him fondly and shook her head. Trio felt a strong urge to kiss her.
Suddenly her D.U.M.B phone rang and spoiled the mood. Astrid answered it while Trio wondered where on earth it had been placed in her dress. Being someone who put lots of pockets in his own clothes, he eyed her outfit with a professional curiosity.
"Hi Heather—Heather, you know you don't have to call yourself 'Vogue One' anymore. Huh? I know it's just a habit, but the war is over and you're not a spy for the Federation now! Oh, is Snot's trial over? Good! What was the verdict?" Her face remained impassive as she listened. "I see. All right, thanks…oh, probably in a day or two, after the ceremonies are over here…all right, thanks." She put down her phone and, with a scream, kicked a hole in the wall.
"Has the war started again?" Trio asked lightly, though his eyebrows nearly leapt off his face.
She turned around, her face red with fury, though she forced her tone to stay calm. "The Supreme Court has swallowed Snot's story that he was in fact spying on the Federation the whole time, has found him innocent of all charges, and is even now giving a recommendation that he receive a medal for bravery and heroism, a promotion, and a veteran's pension."
Trio absorbed this news, and then, with a scream, kicked a hole in the wall. Princess Astrid's anger vanished at once and she burst into laughter.
"Want me to use the Stone to turn him into a turnip, your Highness?"
"Nah, he's not worth the effort—then again, could being a turnip for few hours hurt?"
"Might teach him a lesson."
"I'm not asking for miracles."
Trio's stomach suddenly rumbled loud enough for Astrid to hear. "Hungry?"
"What tipped you off, Milady? Where's a good place for dining around here?"
"I know of a good restaurant we could go to."
Trio paused. "We? As in you want to—"
Astrid put a hand on his arm. "Why not? We've dined together before."
At that moment Trio gave up worrying about what society might say. "Yes we have. So where are we going?"
"You're not going anywhere! Security Officer Savage—that's me—has caught you!" The Officer who appeared was flanked by numerous soldiers, all of whom had ray guns pointed at them.
Astrid and Trio started. "You have got to be kidding me."
"What in the name of Thor are you doing here?" the Princess demanded.
Security Officer Savage smiled. "Your father hired me. And I'm not about to let my Princess go off to some place with some dangerous and unscrupulous mercenary."
"Hey, I may be dangerous but I've got scruples!" Trio said indignantly. No one heeded him. Instead Astrid smiled back at the Security Officer, and not pleasantly. "Then you are in my father's employment?"
"Yes!"
"And since I am my father's daughter, that means you're in my employment too."
"Well…err…"
Astrid drew herself up to her full height, "Then in that case, Security Officer, I hereby order you to depart and leave me alone."
"But—"
"Alone."
He nodded nervously. "Yes, you're Highness." He bowed and quickly ushered his soldiers out of the room. One of them, an old veteran, put his arm around his shoulders and said, "You see, sir, dealing with Princess Astrid is very much like interacting with an alligator: wear protective gear, approach slowly and make sure she's aware of your presence, make sure she knows you don't present a threat, and if she starts getting aggressive, you back away at once!"
Trio laughed.
"A perk of being a royal, isn't it?"
"I've missed being able to order jerks to do what I want." Astrid said wistfully. "It's very refreshing."
Trio laughed again and the Princess felt her heart skip a beat. "You know, I've been meaning to ask you something."
"Name it."
"Before the fight with Viggo?"
Trio suddenly went red. "Oh?"
"That kiss?"
"Ye-es?"
She put her hands on her hips. "Did you mean it?"
"Mean what?"
"You know what I'm talking about!"
Trio first looked at her flirtatiously, but then his expression became serious. "Do you think I would've done that in front of everybody if I hadn't meant it? Astrid, I—"
The next thing he knew Astrid's body was pressing his against the wall. Her arms were wrapped around him and clung to his back, and she was kissing him as if her life depended on it. And within seconds Trio had recovered his balance and was kissing her back as if his life depended on it.
At that moment a man walked in unsuspectingly and gasped. "Princess Astrid! What are you doing?"
Astrid groaned and pulled away from Trio. "Hi, Father,"
Trio's suddenly felt like his stomach had been pummeled. "That's your—"
"Yes."
"And he's just—"
"Yes."
"And now I'm—"
"Yes."
The King came closer. "Yes, I'm Princess Astrid's father, and I'm waiting for an answer! What are you doing?"
Trio—who still had Astrid in his arms—looked from her to her father, and said, "Is that question rhetorical?"
Astrid caught the spirit. "Yep. Relax, Father. I'm improving diplomatic relations with the most powerful man in the universe."
.
A council of Separatist Leaders had gathered in the capital city of the Federation, on planet noroMAmI. General Vast led the discussion by announcing that the time had come to determine their policy with the Supreme Leader's supporters.
"Just because Viggo liked to keep everyone besides himself in the gutter doesn't mean some didn't profit from his rule. He had supporters. All those toadies and sycophants and racketeers who played up to him aren't happy we're making them change their cushy live styles after getting rid of their patron. Their wrath will be terrible and their retribution swift, if we don't do something. My friends, the war to take the government is over. The war to keep the government is about to begin. Our chief hope now lies in ourselves, the people, and the Stone that man Trio is keeping safe for us."
Valka nudged her husband's arm. "Dear, what are we going to do about our son?"
"We'll find him," he replied quickly, "I found you, and now we'll find him. I'll get the word out. A great reward for whoever brings us information."
Valka spoke sadly. "I wonder if still alive. If he is, he's probably all alone. Alone and helpless, without any friends."
"We'll find him, wherever he is. And Doctor, could you please stop tapping your fingers on that wheelchair?"
Dr. Ingerman's hands became still. "Pardon me, mein general, but shouldn't this kind of talk be confined to the privacy of one's home? We have matters of State to discuss."
"Yeah, and I want to go out and practice the discus, so could we please get on with the spiel?" one council member said loudly.
"Yeah," agreed another council member, "And I petition right here and now that my brother be named the Minister of Coin!"
"We do need a better budget," General Vast agreed.
But another put her hand up. "My brother was promised that position!"
"The more the merrier," Dr. Ingerman said quickly. He wanted to avoid a fight. General Vast, however, shook his head. "The title is Minster of Coin, not Ministers. There can only ever be one!"
"And while we're on the subject," said a councilwoman, "I have a bill for the new congress I want your support on—about the prevention of harassment in the workplace."
A councilman shot out of his chair. "I have in my hands a bill to counter that! We don't need to be interfering in workplaces! Let the businesses and corporations deal with that!"
"Without government direction and guidance they won't!" she retorted. "Especially after all the bad examples Viggo's set for them,"
"Given what Viggo has done, that is all the more reason why we shouldn't interfere with businesses—"
"It's not interfering, it's guiding!" their tones were growing sharper by the word.
"There's no room for government in business!"
"Just like there's no room for sentiment and decency?"
"Exactly! Wait, what did you just—"
General Vast banged his fist on the table. "Order! We'll discuss the congressional bills later. First we need a new Minister of Coin!"
Voices erupted from around the table. "So pick my brother! He's better qualified!"
"No, my brother's better qualified!"
"Yeah right!"
"He is! He knows how to borrow money and not pay it back!"
"Oh wonderful!"
General Vast banged his fist again. "Maybe we'll decide on the Minster of Coin later."
Yet another member of the council stood up. "And just who are you to decide that?"
"He's the Head of this Council," Valka Vast said stiffly.
"By whose authority?"
"By virtue of my reputation, my natural leadership abilities, and my high rank," General Vast retorted, "Anybody else want to question it?"
The councilman with the Bill was yelling at his female counterpart. "I cannot believe you would waste the time of Congress with a Bill that interferes with corporations!"
"It's not interfering and it's not a waste of time!" she yelled back. "It's a noble effort!"
"About as noble as curling one's hair is!"
"And I can't believe you would waste the time of Congress with a Bill to cancel out my Bill!"
"I'm trying to maintain the separation of State and Profit! That's a noble effort!"
She snorted. "As noble as picking at one's acne!"
"By the Living Torque, I won't stand for this! I demand satisfaction!"
"I'll give you the satisfaction of my fist!"
"You'll get mine first, lady!"
She turned to the others. "I've dedicated my entire life to seek fairness for everyone, and after all this time what have I gotten for it?"
"A very nasty headache?" Dr. Ingerman suggested, unhelpfully but accurately.
"Hey!" her opponent now took center stage. "I've dedicated my whole life to helping and what do I get?"
"What do I get?" another man demanded. Before long everybody was yelling that question at each other, and all the banging on the table could not quiet them. Suddenly everyone and their brother was the best choice for every government position available and any deals or compromises were out of the question. Insults and arguments went flying like ducks. Dr. Ingerman, the only one staying silent, buried his face in his hands.
"SILENCE!" General Vast roared.
"By the Living Torque, I can't take these idiots any longer! I resign!" the councilwoman screamed.
"If she's resigning, I resign too!" her male counterpart shouted, "I wash my hands of the whole business!"
"Go a little higher and get your armpits too," Dr. Ingerman commented sourly.
"ENOUGH!" The General shouted, "From now on all who wish to speak must raise their hands and I'll call on them!"
"That's baloney!" someone shouted.
"Yeah, this ain't school!"
"If it keeps order in the—"
"You didn't raise your hand, General!" another snickered.
"I'm the person speaking! You shut up!"
"Shut up! That's no way to speak to a fellow member of the Council!"
"I'm the one—" General Vast repeated, but his antagonist interrupted, declaring that he had not fought against the Federation to elevate General Vast to the Supreme Leader's position. Meanwhile, the Councilwoman and Councilman were still at it. Encouraged by their example people once again began to talk and bicker random, and the General's rule of raising hands was completely forgotten.
"I'll withdraw my Bill if you withdraw yours!"
"I say my brother will make a better Minister of Coin!"
"I say we need to stop talking and do something! So let's talk about what we're going to do!"
"I say we must not allow Viggo's cronies from taking power again! Shoot 'em all, I say!"
"I say—" and so on it went, until one man yelled, "I say we elect a proper Supreme Leader and not let General Vast take it for himself!"
General Vast's fist was getting sore from being banged on the table. He roared back, "You're out of order!"
"You're out of order!" Dr. Ingerman's scream rose over the noise. He pointed at random people, "You're out of order, you're out of order! This whole meeting's out of order! (And that reminds me, so is the garbage disposal in the downstairs kitchenette). This whole thing is a farce!" Silence fell. He stood up. "Mein freunde, I have an idea in mind that'll please—" he looked down and gasped, "By the Living Torque! I can walk!"