Did anyone else absolutely die during the last episode? Because I did. So many feelings.
Disclaimer: Totally not mine
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"Let me see if I have this right lad. There's an entire genre of humor in this land related to pirates?" Killian's stare was disbelieving but curious.
"I dunno if 'genre' is the right word, but there are tons of jokes! Like uh… Hold on, give me a sec…"
These family dinners at Granny's were always entertaining but random affairs to Killian, at least in terms of conversation. Topics of discussion ranged from current villain affairs to baby Neal's latest exploratory efforts. Today it was themed jokes. Specifically pirate-themed jokes. While Killian thought he had a fairly good idea of where the humor might end up, he wasn't sure why Henry thought dirty jokes would be at all appropriate to share at a table with his grandmother and infant uncle.
"How about this one," Mary Margaret chimed in, bouncing Neal against her shoulder. "What sort of looks do pirates give each other? Plank stares! Huh? Huh?"
Killian looked at her completely lost while Henry could only twist his lips uncomfortably. Even Neal was oddly silent in the face of his mother's usual enthusiasm and giddiness. That certainly wasn't what he'd been expecting in terms of humorous attempts, but if Henry's expression was anything to go by then it wasn't quite the norm to him either. Although it was certainly more tame than what Killian had been imagining.
"Oh come on, that was funny! I can be funny!" Mary Margaret insisted.
It was at that moment David and Emma returned to the table with everyone's post-dinner coffees and hot chocolates. "Mom, you've had funny moments, but I don't think your usual sarcasm is enough to make you a stand-up comic," Emma said, sliding into the seat next to Killian and wrapping her arm around his waist as discretely out of her parents view as possible. Killian took the opportunity to wrap his hooked arm around her waist in return.
"Fine, so I'm not a stand up comic, but let's just all agree we know where Emma really gets her snarkiness," Mary Margaret insisted, bristling but taking a proud sip of her hot chocolate.
David was quick to defend her. "Just because Henry and our resident pirate didn't laugh doesn't mean I don't think you can be funny, because I do," He assured his wife, planting a quick kiss atop her head before settling into the chair at the end of the table with his coffee.
"Well thank you David. At least someone thinks so."
"Ooh! I got one! What's a pirate's favorite letter?" Henry jumped excitedly in his seat, surprising Killian and everyone else.
"It's 'arr' kid, that's an easy one," Emma insisted, exaggerating her 'arr' in a way that only confused Killian. Did people actually say that? 'Arr'?
Henry shook his head. "You'd think it was 'arr' but it's actually 'sea'! Get it? Like 'c' the letter but actually 'sea' the ocean?"
"Hehe, yeah, I got it." That one earned a chuckle out of Emma and her father. It even managed to crack a small smile across Killian's face.
"I think I see what you're on about now lad with these themed jokes." They weren't incredibly funny, but Killian found himself enjoying the child-like play on words all the same. He let himself revel in the merriment of the group and atmosphere, in the innocence of the jokes, in Emma wanting to be close to him, and especially in her thumb rubbing nonsensical and distracting circles on his hip.
"Hey Henry, where do pirates store their clothes?" David asked, getting into the spirit of it.
"I dunno, where?"
"Davy Jones Locker!"
"What's the smelliest part of a pirate ship? The poop deck!" Henry said, answering his own joke before anyone had time to respond.
They continued on like that, throwing jokes and puns at each other at a rapid fire pace. Even Emma started throwing in quips every so often. "How much did the pirate's earrings cost? A buck-an-ear!"
"You know what a buccaneer is?" Henry responded.
"Henry, I think I know what it-" Emma started to say.
"A great price for an ear of corn!" The jokes came faster and faster and it was difficult not to laugh at them all.
"What's a pirate's favorite kind of fish? A goldfish!" Even Mary Margaret's jokes were finally earning laughs. Killian could feel Emma shaking against him and knew he wasn't faring much better, their hold's around each other tightening with every chuckle and attempt at restraining their laughs.
"What did the pirate say when his ship crashed into an iceberg?" David asked, just a little out of breath.
"Shiver me timbers?" Henry answered rapidly.
"Shiver me timbers!"
"What did the ocean say to the pirate captain? Nothing, it just waved."
"What are pirates afraid of? Termites!"
The evening wore on and drinks not consumed went cold. With all the jokes and puns being thrown across the table, no one noticed it was soon time for Neal to be put to bed until he started fussing loudly, interrupting the steady stream of humor.
Henry went back to the apartment with his grandparents, leaving Emma and Killian on their own at the table. The diner had nearly emptied, with only the muted clatter of Ruby cleaning up in the kitchen to fill the otherwise quiet space.
"I must say love, those jokes were enjoyable but far more tame than I was expecting."
"What do you mean?" Emma asked, turning to face him.
"Well innocence and pirates don't exactly belong in the same sentence in the Enchanted Forest. Any wordplay involving pirates usually occurs in less reputable establishments."
The corners of Emma's mouth quirked upward. "You were thinking they'd be a bunch of dirty jokes, huh?"
He chuckled at that. "Can you honestly blame me, lass? I was worried when the lad brought up the jokes in the first place. He's growing up but it's hardly the sort of thing one shares in the presence of family and infants."
"True, but pirates as you know them haven't been around in this world for a long time. It's kinda easy to romanticize it and make jokes," Emma explained, moving closer to him and sliding her hand under his shirt, her cold fingers meeting his heated skin. "It's also easy to make other kinds of games out of it." Her gaze dropped and Killian suddenly felt her eyes burning a line down his body.
"Swan?"
"Want me to uh, hoist your sail pirate?" She asked, voice full of promise and heat that sent shivers through him and had his lips curling upward in a knowing smirk.
"Only if you let me go below your deck."
"You're gonna 'swab' my deck?"
"I'd clean it right up, love. You and I both know just how filthy it can get down there." He licked his lips slowly, watching her eyes follow the movement.
"You could dock your ship in port," She responded, eyes still locked on his lips and hand moving daringly low on his stomach.
"Hmm, and pillage and plunder as I pleased," Killian responded, lowering his voice in the way he knew drove her crazy. "Perhaps even drop anchor in your southern seas." He moved his hand to run along the top of her thighs, occasionally dipping it inward and upward, marveling at how her legs parted just so as he did.
She threw him a teasing look. "Sure you could handle the storms on those seas? I hear they get pretty rough this time of year?"
So that was how she wanted to play, Killian thought, his pants tightening in anticipation. "Oh I look forward to any roughness. The sea is a wild temptress, but I'll weather any storm that leads me to the safety of your harbor, Swan."
Emma looked up at him, eyes still glazing over with lust but mixed with warmth for a moment before her gaze grew mischievous and her lips curled into a smirk. She pulled away from him and stood at the head of the table, arms open in obvious invitation.
"What do you say Captain? Wanna set sail?"
Killian groaned at her implications and moved after her, pulling her towards the stairs to his rented room. "Prepare to be boarded love."