It was a bright and sunny day on Berk. A rare event by all accounts, and a very pleasant one. Hiccup gazed happily about the fish stall. Then he saw Mildew coming.
"Wot's this?" the old man demanded. "What'r'ya doin' sellin' fish? Where's Lungwort?"
"It's so very nice to see you too, Mildew." Hiccup replied, a genial smile on his face. "Lungwort's home sick today, and since you were saying just last night that I was 'still nothing but a wimpy little fishbone', I thought I should try my hand at selling those—and all the other parts of fish. So I volunteered to run the stall for him."
"Veree kind of ya," Mildew growled.
"Yes, some people are noted for kindness."
"Are ya expectin' me ta apologize fer last night?" He demanded.
"It would be nice, but I know one shouldn't expect miracles in this life. Although," and here his tone grew a little harsher, "I wouldn't mind hearing an apology for what you said about Toothless."
"One shouldn't expect meer-a-cals," Mildew smugly retorted, "I meant ev'ry word an' I stand by wot I sed."
"Even the part about him being a 'good-for-nothing piece of pig dung that should be roasted over a spitfire and fed to the eels'?"
"I meant ev'ry word I sed." Mildew repeated.
"I feared as much." Hiccup said with a dramatic air of resignation.
"Never mind that, boy! I want some fish!"
"All right, sir, all right. Let me see, you want some Salmon?"
"No. I want to buy some—"
"Are you sure? We have Sockeye, Copper River, Atlantic, Pink—"
Mildew shook his head. "No boy, I want—"
Hiccup held up a hand. "Wait, wait, let me guess; I'm good at guessing! You want tilapia."
"No."
"Rockfish?"
"No."
"Halibut?"
"No. I want—"
"I knew it! You want swai!"
"No!"
"Some trout perhaps? With artificially colored skin?"
"No I don't, I want—!"
"Mahi Mahi!"
"What is that?"
"Tuna?"
"Mahi mahi is tuna?"
"No, Mahi Mahi is Mahi Mahi and Tuna is Tuna and by a stroke of good fortuna we've got both. Want some?"
"NO! I WANT TO BUY SOME—!"
"Of course you don't. Nobody wants all that mercury—though goodness knows it couldn't impact your health any." Hiccup grinned benignly, "How about some hammerhead?"
Mildew paused. "Seriously?"
"Of course! It even comes with a bucket of nails!"
Mildew's interest deflated like a balloon. "Ya little—look, boy, all I wanna buy is some—!"
"Goldfish! Catfish! Stonefish! Ratfish! One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish!" Hiccup's head bobbed left and right in synchronization with his words.
"No, no, no, No, No, NO, NO, and NO! I want to buy four pieces of—"
"I've got it now! You want Humahumanukanukaapuaa!"
Mildew stared at him. "Wot in the name of Loki's rear end is that?"
"Oh, it's a fish." Hiccup replied.
"Well I don't want it! I WANT TO BUY SOME—!"
"Lionfish? Clownfish?"
"N—"
"Angelfish? Sturgeon?"
"I don't need one. I'm in perfect health!"
"Sturgeon, not surgeon, sir. Though maybe you should have a surgeon check out those ears of yours—mind you," he added under his breath, "that'd be tantamount to murder!"
"Wot d'ya say? Oh, whatever. Doctors are all scabs. I just want to—"
"Buy some haddock? And I'm not including myself in that either, by the way."
"Wish I could sell ya to the nearest slave traders." Mildew groaned.
"Well, would you like to buy some—?"
"Whatever you say, I'm gonna say 'No!'"
"Perhaps you'd like a salted sea-snake fillet dipped in roasted caviar?"
"NOOOOOOOO!" Mildew roared. "NOW HEAR ME, BOY, BEFORE I PULL THOSE EARS OF YERS OFF YER STUPID HEAD! I WANT TO BUY SOME COD!"
Hiccup paused. "Cod?"
"YES!"
"Oh I'm sorry, sir. We don't have any cod."
Mildew was so enraged he lunged for Hiccup's throat. But at that instant Toothless appeared from behind a crate and snarled at him. Even Mildew was not angry or stupid enough to take on a Night Fury, and with a whimper and a dirty look at Hiccup he ran for it. The whole sequence of events could hardly have taken 7 seconds.
"Thanks, Bud," Hiccup said. Toothless warbled happily. "That man sure is grouchy, isn't he? No respect for the working class. Well, here, have some cod." He tossed him a slab, which the dragon gulped down effortlessly.