Tears

Sigurd POV - Gran 757

"Argh, so annoying!" Ethlyn complained, startling me from the utterly fascinating world of reports and inventory supplies. So enthralling. I had to fight to keep my eyes open from the excitement of it all. "You and Quan both are so careless!" She stomped her foot and reached down to fix… whatever she had decided needing fixing with my clothes. "Honestly! Have some pride in your appearance! You'd think you'd be better now that you've a squire."

"I give Oifeye enough to do, especially with this campaign," I replied, smiling slightly now that I knew what was going on. She had noticed something off about how I'd looked and it had bothered her. Sadly, I couldn't remember what it was. I mean; I did do it on purpose, and had Oifeye play along. It was just so much fun messing with her and her neatly tendencies. Was pretty certain she knew I did a lot of it on purpose, which does frustrated her further. "And I am sitting down in the comfort of my own study."

"Where people can come in at any time and don't need to see their glorious leader looking slovenly." She huffed, hands on her hips, and then she was right back to poking my clothes, specifically my shoulder. "Oh, the seam has come undone." She plucked at an errant thread, frowning at it like it had just spit up wine. "I'll fix it later, okay?"

"Surprised we have anything that still needs to be mended with Miss Alicia in the infirmary." I shouldn't tease, but if she wasn't making medicines or tending to patients, then she was mending clothes. Or blankets. Or bandages. Really, if you walked into the infirmary, nine times out of ten, she was mending. "You dragged her out into the market with you and Aideen a few days ago, didn't you?"

"Dragged being accurate." She sighed and leaned against my desk. I set the absolutely-fascinating report on… whatever it was… and leaned back in my chair to better look up at her. "I never had to deal with someone who kept up formalities for so long before. Well, I suppose you have Finn, but…" She trailed off, trying to think. I waited, not wanting to interrupt. "With Finn, the titles don't feel like a boundary? They feel more like…"

"Almost like a term of endearment and definitely a form of respect." I had noticed it myself. It was clearest with Quan, but there was a warmth and sincerity to the titles. Quan, for instance, was his lord, the one he had chosen to give his loyalty to. Ethlyn was his lady. I was the best friend to his lord, brother to his lady, so I would be given that same warm respect. "It's like it's part of your name, and while you might wish for him to drop the title, he doesn't feel distant."

"Right, but with Alicia, it feels like a wall. Much like how she's always wearing that 'healer's mask'." She grumbled something I didn't quite catch. "It's like it is her face. But I'm sure it's not, you know?" She sighed, though, shoulders drooping as frustration left her. "I… though, I do suppose that could just be me being bossy and pushy again. I mean; I had thought the market trip was fun, as did Aideen, but..."

"I see." And I did. I remembered how I had teased her in the arena, shortly before Ayra and Lex had their argument, and how she had been perfectly polite. "Well, perhaps one should have patience, Ethlyn. It took a while for Quan and Eldigan to warm up to me."

"And now look at you three!" She giggled, mood brightening at the reminder. "The best of friends forever and ever."

"Indeed." However, my own mood dropped when I thought of that vow and how much trouble it had caused Quan and Eldigan both. And not only them, but their families and their people and... "I'm sorry, Ethlyn."

"For…?" She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Did you ruin my favorite dress again?"

"I never did that. It was Quan. That's why he bought you that new one." I shook my head, and smiled wryly up at her. "No, I'm just… I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess."

"Oh, Sigurd…" She laughed, though she quickly muffled it. "You know you're irreplaceable to me. You, Quan, Altena… why, I just have to think of your smiles and I know I can endure anything." She smiled brightly. "Risking my life doesn't scare me. Though, I'll admit that I am terrified of never seeing you again. Any of you."

"Ethlyn…" I sighed, shaking my head. She had said something similar when we had a serious talk about her relationship with Quan. "You're like me. When your mind is set, you won't back down."

"Nope!" She poked my nose, this time not hiding her laughter. "So, give up, mister!"

"So long as you remember one thing." I caught her hand and held it tightly, not quite looking at her. "You're irreplaceable to me as well, Ethlyn. You and Quan both." Ethlyn, Aideen, Quan, Eldigan, Lachesis… all of them were my most precious people. I'd do anything for them without the slightest hesitation, and I'd defy the Crusader and gods both if it meant they'd stay safe and happy. "So, please, continue to show the sense you got from Father and not be as reckless as I am?"

"Oh, Sigurd…" She hugged me, sitting on the arm of the chair so that she didn't have to bend too awkwardly. "Of course, my dearest brother. And I know I can't curb your recklessness, since you just wouldn't be you, but try to stay safe. You know how I worry."

"Of course."

"My lord!" Naoise burst into the study, and I was on my feet in an instance, almost knocking Ethlyn to the ground. Not that she complained, since she knew as well as I did that Naoise wouldn't be so impolite unless it was important. "Gandolf is razing the nearby villages!" he reported, saluting. Both Ethlyn and I froze. "Orders?"

"Assist, of course!" I replied, already moving. Ethlyn was on my heels. "Gather everyone, split into groups… which villages? All of them?"

"Alec has more information, my lord."

"Thank you!"

We moved so quickly that I honestly wasn't sure if everyone knew or not. Based Alec's information, I went to the worst hit, the first one, riding with Aideen. Ethlyn and Quan went with the second worst. I hoped someone made sure that Miss Alicia knew what was going on. I should've made sure before I left, but I panicked. How could Gandolf hurt his own people? If he was going to refuse, then why not just strike us, the 'invaders'? Why…?

And then we arrived, and all questions were replaced with horror. If someone told me I had walked into hell, I would've believed them. Children dying in their parents' arms… children trying to wake their parents… people screaming as they burned alive because they were trapped inside burning rubble… Blood turned the dirt into mud. There wasn't a single intact building. The dead were strewn about like rag dolls. And that was just what I could process. I knew things had to be far, far worse.

I dismounted and ran for one of the nearby piles of rubble, using the bit of of strength Baldur blood gifted to do what others couldn't. My hands were instantly filled with splinters, and blisters, but I didn't care. I didn't care, because lifting the rubble helped some escape. Others needed more help, and I talked to them, encouraged them to hold on just a little longer while my soldiers carefully pulled them out. I talked to those sitting in the mud, reassuring them and learning where others might still be alive. All the wounded went to Aideen, and some were sent with knights back to the castle in the hopes that they could be saved by someone with more training. Aideen cried; I hugged her and kept trying to save people. I think. It honestly all became a blur after a while. A red-brown blur of dead. I think it was my mind's desperate attempt to keep me sane. To keep me moving. Because if I could help just one more… save just one more… I'd do anything…

From my perspective, I blinked and went from moving burning rubble to being led through Genoa Castle by Quan. My hands were bandaged; I didn't know who did that. I wondered where Quan was leading me before realizing we were in an out-of-the-way hall, where I could cry or scream if need be. Because he knew I'd need something like that. But my mind was so numb, and my shattered heart couldn't do anything but ache. So, instead, I just leaned on him heavily, and Quan gathered me up in a reassuring hug.

"Hey, Quan…" I rasped. My throat hurt. Both of us smelled of ash and blood. "Is this…?" No, there was no question about it. This was my fault. I had wanted peace, and yet… I might as well have…

"No," Quan whispered firmly. He held me a little tighter, patting my back. "No, it's not your fault, Sigurd. I'm used to fighting Thracians, and even I didn't guess he'd do something like this. Not so extensively. Believe me, if a sane man could think of it, I would've warned you."

"We should've brought them into the castle. We should've had patrols." Thousands of things I should've done streaked through my head. My fault. This was my fault. "Are all the wounded in the infirmary?"

"Sigurd…"

"I have to see." I needed to see with my own eyes what my foolishness led to. It was the least I could do for the victims, to not look away. "I have to…"

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"Actually, if you can get everyone organized for a counterattack? My head is a mess."

"You got it." Quan pulled away and made sure to look me in the eye. "This isn't your fault. I will repeat it as many times as I have to."

He left, no doubt because he knew I couldn't believe the words, especially right then. I took a few breaths to calm myself and then strode to the infirmary with my head held high. Or, so I hoped. When I actually arrived, I wasn't so certain, because the infirmary was another nightmare. An organized nightmare, but a nightmare nonetheless. And it was much the same as what I saw in the ruined villages, though with much less mud. But because they were confined to a single room, the sounds and smells just seemed amplified. There were more tears and sobbing, for instance, and the smell of death was so thick that I swore I needed a blade to cut it so that I could walk. And walk I did, checking on each one, holding the hands of those who needed it, smiling at those who needed it. Anything I could do, I would do freely.

But, strangely, I didn't see Miss Alicia. She wasn't out in the front, tending to the patients. So, I headed to the little side-room where Oifeye and Finn often played with Shanan, wondering if she was there making medicines, since she didn't seem to have any assistants for the moment. When I got there, I heard a quiet sob, though, and I worried that perhaps Shanan had been stuck in there through all of this, unable to get out before the waves of wounded hit. So, I cracked open the door, expecting to see Shanan crying in Miss Alicia's arms. However, I froze, because it wasn't Shanan crying. It was Miss Alicia herself. Her hair and hands dripped water, and small puddles near her showed she had barely managed to clean herself up before collapsing in tears. She covered her mouth to muffle the sound, but what I could hear was heartbreaking.

My instinct was to run over and hug her, but instead, I closed the door and rested my head against it. Because based on how she acted, she would be embarrassed at being caught. She would scold herself. She might even withdraw more. And that wouldn't be good, especially with this very clear sign that she felt more keenly than she showed. She hid her emotions, projected an air of gentle serenity, and hid when that mask wavered.

I wanted to help her. Not just because of all the help she had given me either. I wanted to help her because she was alone. She was used to being alone. She was used to crying alone. And that wasn't right. No one should cry alone. Everyone should have at least one person to give support, even after the tears dried.

I stepped back from the door and talked to a few more of the patients before leaving, steeling my resolve not only for the coming battle but for a vow. I had wanted her to join so that she wouldn't be alone, and had thought her volunteering meant she had wanted to reach out. But that wasn't the case; she must've been so alone that she didn't know how. So, I would have to reach out, but to be careful about it. Be patient. Just as I had been with Quan and Eldigan.

I supposed the first step might be to try and do away with titles. Ethlyn and Aideen hadn't had luck, but maybe I could figure out something. Maybe. ...I'd work out the details later. After making Gandolf pay for hurting so many innocents. It was the only way to atone for what had happened, after all.

Author's notes: And have another Sigurd. This is set during Chapter 4 of Memoirs of the Holy War (I think the title is 'Cracks'), and I'll admit that this is actually one of the scenes that made me decide that I needed to properly finish the first generation's tales. Also have Ethlyn and Sigurd interacting. Many of Ethlyn's lines come from her Heroes dialogue.