Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age nor am I making money from this work. This is purely for entertainment purposes.

Summary:

El wonders what to do about the letter as she gets closer to Bash.

Notes:

First off, I must apologize for the long wait. This past year, I've found myself in a deep hole where I no longer enjoyed things that I once did (such as writing or video games). I'm still climbing out and starting to get back into the groove. Whoever stuck around, thank you.

Second, this chapter had to be split apart as my word count was reaching about 20k. So, I decided to split it into 3 chapters.

As always, this hasn't been beta'd, so please excuse any mistakes.

Consume

'Past'

by therapist

The letter shook in her hand, unopened. It weighed down on her and the dread she felt crawled over her body, slowly pressed unto her, it was suffocating.

Placing the letter on her desk, her mind dueled over what to do with it. One small part of her was curious to read what Cullen had wrote, even though she knew it was not good news. That part of her craved answers, to know why, to give her some sense of closure. The other, larger part demanded that she discard the letter, without opening or reading it. Whatever the excuse, the reason, it wouldn't make her feel better now, her mind argued.

Looking at her wrecked room, the furniture had the unfortunate privilege of being the outlet for her rage earlier this evening. When she had all but fled from that scene, Bash following in tow, she had barely made it to her room before she collapsed in laughter. It was sudden, consuming. She should've had tears, sobs, anything that reflected her dying heart, but the only sound that came out was loud, uncontrollable laughter. Any other friend or acquaintance would've questioned her sudden outburst but he had done something so bizarre, it all but stopped her fit. He shoved a porcelain statue into her fist. Confused, she looked at the figure of Andraste forever immortalized in beautiful detail, then back at him. Huffing, he came over, pulled her onto her feet, and he cocked her arm back and flung it against the stone wall. The resounding crash was deafening, shocking, it made her forget about the knife digging its way into her chest. Soon after, vases crushed, books torn asunder, clothing knifed, furniture deposited over the railing, nothing had escaped damage - minus the bed because she really did love sleeping in it. If she did read the letter and it was filled with what she had expected, her bed would not survive and she really did not want that to happen.

Glancing back at the letter, she snorted before tossing the letter into the fire. she watched as the dying embers slowly turning the edges into ash. There was a hollowness in her as she watched the fire, it clawed at her, threatening to crush her under its weight. Much like that time after Solas had ended, it was familiar and she didn't want to go down that path again. Just shove it all away, don't think about it.

"Bash?"

The man raised his head from her bed. "Yes?"

"Let's get drunk."

"Ugh, I don't think my stomach can handle it."

She laughed as she gazed at his pained expression. "C'mon, I need my drinking buddy to keep me company."

"Fine, fine. But just letting you know, your booze sucks." He ended just above a whisper.

Grinning at him, she nodded. "It does but drink enough and it all tastes the same."

"You got me there."

Seeing him not moving from the bed, she asked, "So are we going?"

Tossing her a wicked grin that made her flush, he let his head fall back onto her pillow. "I would love that but this bed is so comfortable…"

She chuckled as she marched over to his side. With her hands on her hips, a stern face, she glared at him for several seconds, taking in his boyish grin, before laughter forced her to break. Something soft smashed her face and she looked down at his overly innocent face.

"Did you just hit me with a pillow?"

His response was to try to hit her again. Ducking under the swing, she climbed over him, hand grabbing the other pillow. Laughing, she smacked him hard with the other pillow, hearing him grunt as it hit him in his face. That turned into a full blown fight with the feathery items, both cackling as they attacked each other. Only when he called for a truce did she stop. Falling in bed next to him, she gazed at the ceiling, cheeks hurting from grinning and laughing. A comfortable silence fell between them and she marveled at how at ease she felt. Only to be interrupted by the loudest stomach gurgle coming from her. Mortified, she reddened as he erupted into laughter.

"Let's go get some food."

/

"Dammit," she cursed. It was too late and the kitchen was empty. "Looks like the cooks went to bed."

Grabbing a fruit, he tossed it to her, which she deftly caught. "So what do elves eat?"

This was a question she heard often. "Children, of course. Only after a full moon though, something about it makes it taste better. Many people don't know this but it allows us to turn into dragons." With the most serious voice she could muster. How wide his eyes grew before he tossed a pastry at her. "Hey! That was the good dessert!"

"I was being serious, you ass."

Chuckling lightly, she grabbed some random fruits before chucking it into a basket. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. I've just been asked that so many times before and wanted to have some fun...as for food, we survived on hunting and gathering of whatever we could find, usually nugs, rams, occasionally bear when there were enough hunters." She grabbed another empty basket and began to fill it with pastries, ignoring the light teasing about her choice of food. "Coming to the Inquisition allowed me to taste so many new foods, I don't think I can go back to the old ways...even if I was given a chance." The last part added darkly.

"What does that mean?"

Unable and unwilling to go down that path, she shook her head. "Just memories I don't want to relive." Even that small mention filled her with sorrow, her throat tight, and the tears beginning to blur her vision. Try as she might, this wasn't something she could push away like everything else. Tears swelled and she hastily turned away from him, busying herself whilst trying to get a handle on her emotions.

Warm hands grasped her shoulders lightly, turning her towards him.

"You're thinking about your clan again?" He asked, eyes gazing at her in concern.

She looked away from those kind eyes, a few stray tears spilling onto her cheeks. "All these years, the pain has never faded. Just a single thought is enough to crush me.."

Clumsy fingers wiped away those tears. "You mentioned you lost them the other day, what happened to them?"

Ignoring the warmth of his hands and actions, she let the darkness take over her face, the unbridled rage twisting her expression. "They were murdered," she stated. "And the man responsible still lives." She all but spat the last part. Tears forgotten, the anger drowned her sorrow, making her eyes dry, heart hard.

Hands still gripping her shoulders, his expression was a cross between confused and angry. "How is that possible that he's still alive?"

Unable to gaze at his concerned eyes, her gaze focused at the wall over her shoulder. This was a question that she had asked multiple times to Leliana and to herself. "My Spymaster asked if I wanted to do something about it but that was right before we fought Corypheus, it wasn't the time for personal vendettas. Afterward, when everything was all settled, it was too late. Duke Antoine struck treaties with neighboring powers, including Queen Celene. Josephine told me that any action would destabilize the region and cripple Wycome, it would be a death sentence to its citizens. And if it was discovered that the Inquisition was responsible..." Josephine didn't need to say it, she knew that they would be the first suspects especially her, because of her connection. Besides being a serious crime, it would harm all the good that the Inquisition has done. Despite how she felt and what she wanted to do, she knew that she couldn't do anything about it. It didn't change her feelings though, instead it festered like an old injury that didn't heal properly.

There was no response from him, only a hug that she sunk into gratefully. They remained like that for a while, with her allowing herself to seek comfort in his arms. Everything that had gone wrong these past few days faded, the anger and sadness felt more manageable around him. This short time she felt close to him, as close as she did with Dorian. As usual, her mind began to question it but she ignored it. Unlike everything else, she wasn't going to overthink and ruin it.

"So where do you hide the good booze?" he asked when she finally disengaged from him.

Grinning despite her tears and sadness, she answered, "What makes you think I'm hiding the good stuff?"

No response except for a raised eyebrow.

"Alright, alright." She brought her head close to his, fighting to not blush as he didn't pull away. "Josephine has the key to the cellar, think you can swipe it while I distract her?"

A grin broke over his handsome face. "A secret mission?"

To which she giggled before nodding. In the farthest reaches of her mind, there were whispers, wishing that Cullen wouldn't come back.

Notes:

Was debating whether to put the picture up but I spent so much time on the character creation, it would be waste not to show everyone my hard work :D Seriously though, I think I've spent many hours tweaking how the character looks, it's not even funny. I know it was pretty short but the next chapter will be quite long. Next chapter will focus on Cullen and his return to his family. Thank you for reading, feedback is always appreciated.