Clarissa found herself standing in front of her dresser looking in the mirror that was attached to it. Her grey eyes were reddened with tears. Her black hair a mess of knots that only took an hour to achieve. She ran a brush through her hair to take out the knots that have formed.
After Armin left her room she cried for almost four hours. After she was finished she read more lyrics from the book. Then cried some more. She missed out on lunch. Supper was nearing when she finally decided it was time to get presentable.
She never cried. Or at least she can't remember the last time she cried. She at least hadn't cried since she joined the military. How was one small necklace causing all those tears? It was just a necklace that held the only memory she had of her past.
Clarissa had taken all those hours of crying to burn the image of the two girls' faces into her mind. The younger one had long brown hair that reached the small of her back. Sparkling green eyes. The most pure green that she had ever seen.
The older girl, she reeked of sorrow and pain. From the way her hair was matted and pulled up into a bun. To the tears that welled in her eyes, and her frail frame. Her body only skin and bone. Her clothes oversized hanging over her.
Clarissa pulled herself out of her memory and noticed that tears were once again forming in her eyes. She flinched slightly at a knock at the door. She took half a step to the side to open up the door. Once the door was opened Captain Levi was standing outside the door.
"How can I help you sir?" Clarissa asked with a shaky voice. She lifted her hand to under her eyes to wipe away the tear that fell.
"It is almost supper. I haven't eaten since breakfast." He said. Clarissa nodded staring at herself in the mirror.
"I will be right out. I need a minute." Clarissa replied with her voice still shaky. Captain Levi turned around and closed the door behind him. Clarissa took a deep slow breath. She grabbed the jacket that has the Wings Of Freedom on it and she put it on.
"I am soldier. This is unacceptable." Clarissa muttered to herself. The last tear dried on her cheek then she walked out of her room and saluted to Captain Levi. They walked down the hallway to the Mess hall. Clarissa got her food and sat down in the same place she sat the earlier in the day. Her friends sitting the same place as well.
Clarissa looked down at her food trying to avoid eye contact as all of her friends sat down. Clarissa took a spoonful of peas and scooped them into her mouth.
"Where were you at lunch?" Eren asked. Clarissa said nothing and just stared at her food. If it wasn't for Captain Levi she would still be in her room. She was not ready for them to know she was crying all day. She definitely didn't want them to know why.
"Are you okay?" Armin asked. Another tear dropped from her eye. She couldn't get the image of the two girls out of her mind. It kept resurfacing itself. Clarissa wiped her hand under eyes to wipe away the tears. Now they definitely knew she was crying. There was no questioning it. Clarissa's hand went up to her chest and held onto the necklace. She pulled the necklace out of her shirt and held it in her hand.
"I can't do this." Clarissa muttered before stood up fast. She quickly started walking towards the door.
"Everdeen, where do you think you are going?" Captain Levi asked standing out of his seat. Clarissa turned around to look at him. The whole room fell quiet. Another tear began to form in her eye. Before the tear fell she turned and ran out of the Mess hall. She didn't stop running once she was out of the Mess hall. She kept running down the hallway. Behind her she could hear Captain Levi following her. She followed the hallway until she got to the front door. Clarissa charged out of the building. She paused as soon as she got outside. Captain Levi followed and grabbed onto her bicep.
"What the hell is wrong with you brat?!" He asked squeezing her bicep. Clarissa kept a straight face. Tears flowing down her cheeks. His eyebrows were knitted together. Clarissa was looking right into his eyes.
"Nothing, sir. Let go of me." Clarissa said trying to pull her arm away. Captain Levi just tightened his grip.
"No, I am not letting go of you. Now what the hell is wrong with you?!" He asked. Clarissa sighed and looked down at the ground.
"I don't know sir." Clarissa answered barely audible.
"I didn't hear you." Clarissa looked up at his eyes.
"I don't know sir." Clarissa said in almost a yell.
"You will go back into the Mess hall and wait until I am done eating." Captain Levi commanded. Clarissa nodded.
"Yes sir."
"Good," Captain Levi said letting go of Clarissa's arm. He sighed and walked back into the building. Clarissa followed. They walked back into the Mess hall. They both went to their respective tables. When Clarissa sat down she put her head in her hands. Everyone at the table was watching. If the letter didn't draw attention to her, this definitely did.
"Clare, what was that about?" Armin asked. Clarissa didn't want to answer, if crying wasn't bad enough, now the whole Survey Corps knew she was crying. She was in no way embarrassed, it just wasn't something she ever wanted people to see.
"It's called defiance," Clarissa said taking a sip of water. No one knew what to say after that, so they just continued with supper. After Clarissa helped cleaning up then she left the mess hall. Clarissa began to walk down the hallway. Captain Levi quickly fell in step with her. Clarissa walked to her room. When she stepped in she left the door open. She grabbed the old notebook from the trunk. When she walks out of her room Captain Levi is staring at her.
"Sorry about earlier sir." Clarissa said closing the door.
"You better learn from it and smarten up." Captain Levi said as Clarissa started down the hallway. Clarissa ran up the stairs to the second floor library. The library was large. It had four or five tables. Two sitting areas. And a lot of, you guessed it, books.
Clarissa sat down at one of the tables and opened up the notebook. She looked over the first song. Trying to decipher it. Hoping that the lyrics will unlock her past. On the other side of the table was an empty paper. Clarissa reached over and grabbed it. Beside it was a pencil. She also grabbed it.
Clarissa had tried many times to decipher the lyrics. The same feelings have come through: Love, and defiance. If Clarissa had to guess, she would say she was a very defiant child, much different from now. The only defiant act she had ever done was during dinner that night. She never spoke back, never disobeyed orders, always helped out her comrades.
The last song she wrote was not about love. It held a lot of anger, or freedom, depending on how you look at it. It would also show which one it is if she actually knew how it was supposed to be played. Did she know how to play instruments?
The handwriting was messy, barely legible. There are dried tear spots, showing that she was obviously overcome with emotion. Every other song showed joy, or at least neutrality. This song was pure sadness. What happened in her life, before she wrote that, that made her so upset. Was what happened why she can't remember anything?
"You seem focused." Someone said drawing Clarissa back to reality. She looked up an there was a man, tall with short tan hair, and black undercut.
"Yes, I was until you showed up." Clarissa said looking back down at the page that she was opened to. She hears the chair being pulled out notifying that he was sitting down.
"I know your last name, Everdeen, but what is your first name?" He asked. Clarissa looked up. Clarissa grimaced, if she didn't go crazy like that during dinner, maybe she would be alone right now.
"Clarissa," Clarissa said knowing that ignoring him won't do anything for either of them.
"That is a cute name." He said. Clarissa sighed, she hated people flirting with her. Mostly she hated people complimenting her, it is easy to tell if it an honest compliment, or a way to get into someone's pants.
"Captain Levi is sitting over there. Rethink what you are saying." Clarissa said motioning with her head to the couch that Captain Levi was sitting on. He looks over at Captain Levi and his face goes white.
"I am too old for you. Plus, I would murder you if you tried anything, or I would at least try." Clarissa said crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair, she didn't want to deal with anyone today.
"My name is Jean Kirschtein. It is nice to finally meet you after three years of training." The man, now named Jean, said. Clarissa nodded and looked back at the notebook, hoping that if she ignored him he would either go away or have a reasonable thing to talk about. She ran her hand along the page. A memory flashes into her mind.
Two young girls standing beside a piano that she is playing. The girls are smiling and laughing. The older of the two is skin and bone. But her smile is wide. Her green eyes are sparkling. The youngest hanging onto the older one.
Clarissa's eyes widen as she stares blankly at the page in front of her. A single tear rolls down her cheek. She closes the book with the stray paper in it. "Are you okay?" Jean asked.
"I don't even tell my best friend that. So you don't get access to that information." Clarissa said standing. Jean placed a hand on her shoulder, she she grabbed it with her other hand and threw it off of her shoulder. He was surprised to say the least, his eye's were wide and his jaw was practically on the floor.
"Do you not understand a warning when it is given to you?!" Clarissa yelled, Jean stood up and smirked. In no way did she want to actually hurt him, but the thought did cross her mind to slap him.
"Soldier, calm yourself." Captain Levi said standing up from the couch and walking towards the two. Clarissa looked over at Captain Levi, she couldn't salute because her hands, so she gave a respectful nod instead. Jean saluted, as fast as humanly possible.
"Sorry sir, I will head to bed now." Clarissa said then she walked out of the library, Captain Levi followed her. When she was in room she sat down and opened the book and looked over it again. This page brought her another memory. Another thing about those two girls. Clarissa was definitely close to the two girls. She made them happy and smile. Clarissa meant something to them.