A/N: My heartfelt apologies for the lateness of this update! I had it done a few days ago, but I wanted to upload it at the same time as my new FMA fic. And while we're on the subject (shameless self-promotion FTW!) the first chapter of my new FMA multi-chapter fic, "Asylum", will be posted tonight. Please feel free to wander over and check it out!
Thanks so much to my amazing reveiwers/readers! Your constant support and feedback keeps me going. I adore all of you!
I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, or any of its characters.
Anger Management
The soldiers of Eastern command were no strangers to rules. Simply by being military, they lived a life of obedience, an obedience that was enforced by an entire handbook of guidelines. Page after page of policies regulated them, on everything from clothing to conduct. But while the outside world saw the more disciplined side of the military lifestyle, they were not aware of the fact that there were several unwritten rules ingrained into the soldiers of Eastern command, rules that were necessary for survival on the base. These rules were kept under wraps, because the soldiers understood that anyone outside the military would find them completely confusing. For example, these rules included:
Under no circumstances should you touch Lieutenant Hawkeye's gun, unless you are eager to find out just how good she is at handling said weaponry.
Never bring up Major Armstrong's magical ability to shoot sparkles, or disintegrate his clothing, unless you have several hours of free time in which to hear the explanation.
Complaining to the Colonel about your stolen girlfriend will never end well for you. At best, you'll be dismissed with a smirk. Much more likely, you'll end up with second-degree burns.
And the single most important rule on base, the one every soldier knew to follow, because ignoring it meant serious risk to life and limb:
Never. EVER. Pick a fight with the Fullmetal Alchemist.
Every soldier that followed these rules escaped daily life on the base relatively unscathed. But because these rules were passed by mostly by word of mouth, sometimes a batch of new recruits landed themselves in hot water before they could be properly informed.
Which segued directly into the scene currently unfolding in the middle of the Mess.
The soldiers gathered abandoned their meals and watched in horrified fascination as a painfully fresh-faced and apparently idiotic recruit went against the first and most important rule. Looking to prove either his own badass reputation, or the size of a certain body part, the boy had taken one look at the silver chain attached to Edward's belt loop, and immediately started cracking jokes. The situation might have salvageable, had the recruit had the sense to at least utter his snide comments in a softer tone until he knew exactly who he was offending. But no; this idiot was as subtle as a brick to the face. His booming voice not only echoed inside the ominously silent Mess, but probably could be heard all the way in Central.
Under the cafeteria tables, covert hands passed money, while carefully hushed voices speculated on whether the recruit was really that stupid, or just insane. Major Elric was infamous; not just in the East, but throughout the entire country. Every corner of Amestris whispered about the Fullmetal Alchemist, the child prodigy that looked like a dwarf, but always fought for the people. He'd passed the alchemy exam at the age of twelve, and three years later, he still held the honor of being the youngest alchemist ever allowed into the military. And the kid wasn't famous just for his alchemy; it was a well known fact that outside if his younger brother, no one could beat Fullmetal in a hand-to-hand fight. How could that idiot recruit smirk at the pocket watch and the youthful face, and not put two and two together?
Much to the amazement of the assembled crowd, which was growing larger by the minute as word spread up and down the corridors, the recruit was still in one piece. Major Elric hadn't even left his seat yet. He was all but vibrating with rage, and the sound of gnashing teeth could be heard even over the idiot recruit's obnoxious voice, but he was still parked on the bench next to his brother, who was doing his best to soothe the wrath-driven blonde.
More money was passed as people placed their whispered bets on just how long the Major would last before giving in to his fury and beating the recruit to within an inch of his life. The proposed time increments weren't terribly long, considering the fact that the Major's eye was starting to twitch, and the idiot recruit was still talking.
"What're you even doing here, kid? I thought that no one under the age of eighteen was allowed on the base without adult supervision. Oh, I get it. It must be bring your baby to work day." A ridiculous sneer crossed the idiot's face. "Did your Daddy let you tag along with him today?"
A small, sympathetic groan for the increasingly stupid soldier rippled through the crowd. The Major's contempt for his father was well known around the base.
"Shouldn't we stop him?" one soldier whispered.
"Can you not see the vein pumping away in the Major's forehead?" another soldier hissed back incredulously. "This jackass has maybe thirty seconds left to live. I'd rather not be in the line of fire when he gets taken down."
"The Major hasn't attacked him yet," someone else pointed out. "Maybe if we can shut him up and get him out of here, we can stop this before-"
"How old are you anyway?" the idiot's voice rang out gleefully. "I mean, you've got the face of a teenager, but you're too tiny to be more than twelve!"
The word 'tiny' dropped into the crowd and detonated, sucking all the oxygen from the room in its wake. As a unit, the soldiers took careful steps back. There was no groan this time, because it was completely pointless to feel sorry for someone who was about to get his ass so thoroughly handed to him.
Major Elric jumped to his feet, the movement so violent that he almost upset the table. He was all but breathing fire as he shrieked;
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE HAS TO USE A STEPPING STOOL TO REACH THE WATER FOUNTAIN, YOU JERK?"
Even the Major's younger brother scooted back a couple of inches, because he also knew a thing or two about inevitability.
The recruit's wide, stupid smile dimmed a bit as the Major launched himself at him, far too fast and with far too much skill to be just a kid. Edward's fist cocked back, and several soldiers winced as they caught the flash of metal beneath the black jacket.
But then the Major checked. He didn't stop his forward momentum, but his fist hesitated mid-swing. Something flickered underneath the rage in those golden eyes, something like uncertainty. There was an actual rumble of concern within the crowd; not for the stupid recruit, but for Edward's strange behavior.
But then that uncertainty vanished from those golden eyes, and the subsequent smile that stretched the Major's face had the soldiers skipping back several more cautionary steps. It was a near maniacal grin of glee, and the idiot recruit let out a high-pitched shriek of fear upon seeing it on what he had mistakenly classified as an innocent face.
There was a loud clapping sound, followed by a burst of white and blue white, and several gasps from the onlookers. Chaos reigned once the light cleared, as some soldiers stared, others doubled over in fits of laughter, and one triumphant voice echoed above the crowd.
"HA! Who's short now, you jackass!"
"Brother," Alphonse Elric sighed, shifting his gigantic frame off the bench and moving up the flank the Major. "Didn't you hear anything the Colonel said about anger management?"
Edward surveyed his handiwork with great satisfaction.
"Course I did, Al. The bastard told me that I couldn't beat people up anymore." He waved a hand in the direction of the floor. "And I didn't hit him, did I?"
"I think you missed the point of the lecture, Brother."
Ed shrugged.
"Whatever. C'mon Al, let's go to the training room. I'm suddenly in the mood for a spar."
The Elric brothers left the Mess in metaphoric shambles, with some soldiers gaping in horror, others weak-kneed and red-faced as they howled with laughter, and one very surprised face taking everything in from where it was wedged between the floor boards.
Later a report would cross Colonel Mustang's desk, letting him know that all of the secretaries that worked in the office directly below the Mess had spent a significant portion of their lunch hour in the infirmary. Even though all of the personnel that frequented Eastern Command had built up a strong tolerance to strange events, the sight of a headless body suddenly protruding from the ceiling could apparently send even the most prank-hardened employees straight into unconsciousness.