Warning: talking about suicidal thought and attempts

To say that he was angry would be a major underestimate, he was furious. Toothless was by his side the whole time. Stoick had just been standing there looking waiting for him to continue, for once in his life he was going to listen to him. The two of them stood there for a moment, after deciding that Hiccup wasn't going to keep going Stoick spoke up.

"You were the one to stop the raids, Berk owes you a great debt." Stoick wanted to find some way to keep hiccup talking he didn't want him to rush out and leave Berk.

"Oh really? Last time I checked no one wanted to even look at me." Hiccup was having a hard time making a coherent thought. He was having a hard time understanding why Stoick wasn't mad anymore. If he hadn't been so worked up he would have even seen the shine of tears building in Stoick's eyes. He felt Toothless nudge his hand and coo. Something about his presents caused Hiccup to really think and try to organize his thoughts.

His voice still held the anger that he felt, "Why aren't you yelling?" he was honestly confused as to why Stoick's stance and even words no longer carried to anger that it once had. He figured that Stoick would not have become this calm.

"How could I be angry? Do you have any idea how amazing it is to see you, I thought I lost you." Stoick's voice held a tone of sadness and if he listened hard enough he thought he heard admiration. Stoick's anger really had disappeared he could believe that his son had actually defeated the large dragon. Word had come to Berk, stories of the defeat of the mountain-sized dragon taken down. Effectively ending the war with dragons, all the surrounding island celebrated the new found peace.

Hiccup was really utterly confused, his father looked like he really was proud of what he had done. He was still angry it wasn't as bad as had been.

"You have to be kidding me after everything that I did that's all you have to say. You hear that I killed a dragon and suddenly you can find that pride that I worked so hard for so long ago, now that I finally gave that up you are proud. Bet that you didn't know that killing that thing almost killed me, if it hadn't been for Toothless I would have bled to death. Well if we're going to go there we can thank Toothless because it didn't have him then I never would have even found it in the first place let along killed it!" he could only smirk at the conflicted look on Stoick's face.

Finally, Stoick seemed to gain his thoughts, "Well then you both deserve a celebration."

"Don't you get it I don't want to be celebrated by this village! How many time do I have to tell you that I hate this place and its cruel people. I don't want to be here!" Hiccup could believe it but the more that he talked that less anger he got it was slowing turning into sadness. A lump was forming in his trough and tear were starting to fall down his face. Why couldn't he just stay angry at least he knew that he understood why he was angry he had no idea why he was crying.

Stoick was slowly stepping forward, again Hiccup was stepping back. Soon his back hit the wall and all he could do was try to make himself as small as he could and hope that Stoick wouldn't attempt to touch him let along comfort him. He sunk down the wall and curled in on himself, part of him forgetting that he had his dragon.

Toothless had been reading the large man's body language and realizing that he no longer held anger in his movements so he took a step back really interested in seeing how this whole situation might play out. He only offered a warning growl reminding that chief that he was still willing to make a move if anything happened to his boy.

Stoick looked back at the dragon when he heard the low growl. Knowing what the dragon meant he proceeded slowly closer to the shaking form of his son curled on the floor. He was going to reach out, but Hiccup jerked himself closer towards the wall. That made him pause had he really messed up that bad that his own son would shy away from his touch. Then something that Hiccup had said really sunk in, "If I hadn't found Toothless then there was a high chance that I wouldn't be standing here today." he had gathered some of what his son meant but he just had to know that he had really meant that and that he hadn't said it to get a reaction

He tried to make his voice as gentle as possible as he sat on the floor a few feet for where his son was hiding on the wall. "Son" the simple word seemed to grab Hiccup's attention as he loosed himself from his ball slightly. "I need you to answer some questions, can you do that?" Hiccup didn't respond just continued to listen as if he expected to hear something more from Stoick. He was racking his brain to think of things to say to possibly get him to talk. "If you would answer them for me then I promise that you can do whatever you want, you can leave again if you really want to and I won't try to stop you I promise. Just please answer these questions." A few minutes passed before Hiccup uncurled and turned to face him with a slight nod he told Stoick that he would answer his questions.

Okay, he was going to do it, Stoick was trying to think of the right way to ask what he wanted to know. He started slowly, he was going to eventually get to the one question he really wanted to know but he knew that he needed to warm up to that question so he started at what he thought would be the beginning. "Okay, first question, How did you befriend that?" he gestured to Toothless.

After a minute of thinking, Hiccup began his answer. "Um, well let's get this clear he name is Toothless and he can understand you. But that night when I told you that I shot down a Night Fury I really had. After Gobber walked me home I snuck out the back door and found him in the forest. He was shot down and wounded, I was determined to kill him but then he looked at me and I just couldn't. I was going to just leave him, but he was so helpless. I made the decision to cut him loose knowing that there was a large possibility that he would just kill me then and there, but then he didn't he showed me that same mercy that I had shown him. I must have fainted because the next thing I remember is waking up in the dark and running home, hoping that you wouldn't be mad at for how late I was." he chuckled to himself at that last part finding some amusement in that situation. "You told me that I was going to have to learn to kill dragons and I was not looking forward to it because I already knew that it was just going to be another time that I was going embarrass myself. But during that first day, Gobber said something that I thought was interesting." he mimicked Gobbers accent. "Dragons always, always go for the kill" he was really getting into telling this story he had never really talked to someone about what had happened and it was a relief to finally say it out loud. He continued to tell his story, how he had gone back and found Toothless hurt and hungry, how he had brought him fish in a sort of peace offering and how the two of them slowly created a bond, as well as how he had become that best in his class and dragon killing. He finished his tale with a faint smile on his face as he looked lovingly at his best bud, who was laying not far from the two men just listening to the men.

Stoick was shocked from his son's story, could these dragons really be these misunderstood creatures. It was so good to see the smile on his son's face it really warmed his heart. "Why didn't you tell me?" he knew that it was a stupid question but he had to ask, had to see what his son had thought of him. Just by the look on Hiccup's face, he could tell that it was bad.

"You're hard to talk to and since mom died your ability to control your anger when it came to dragons was really none. What did you expect me to do just come and tell you that I befriended a dragon and how I hoped that you could see what I did. That wouldn't have gone over very well. If you didn't just immediately think that I have lost my mind and shipped me off to the end of the world, you would kill Toothless then I don't even know what with me." this hurt to hear but Stoick knew that some of this rang with the truth he would have just killed the dragon without a question.

His voice was filled with disappointment and this time it was aimed towards himself. "Well, I guess that I can't blame you. I was and sometimes am just so mad about what happened to your mother. Then when I thought that the same thing happened to you I was so mad, mainly at my self for not being able to protect the only two things that brought joy and light to my life. I'm so sorry Hiccup." the end was just a simple statement, he knew that it wouldn't change what had happened but by the gods that wasn't going to stop him from telling it to Hiccup as many times as he could.

He only had one question left and he wasn't sure he really wanted to hear the answer. "Um.. okay this is a hard one," that really caught Hiccup's attention if the mighty Stoick the Vast was finding something hard it must really be bad. "Okay um.. What you said earlier about if you hadn't found the dragon" he still couldn't bring himself to call it by name. "You wouldn't be standing here did you mean... ?" his question drifted off, but he could tell that Hiccup knew what he was asking. His whole posture had changed, he had stiffened and his back straightened. His eyes widened he really hadn't meant to say that, and he was so angry he could only vaguely remember saying it. He sat there for a minute really thinking about a way to answer that question.

Stoick could tell that he was thinking, after all, he still got that same look on his face when he was think of a way to explain himself. He had mastered reading that look after all the years that he had seen it when his son would think of some excuse to why he was in the middle of a dragon raid or trying to explain why there were damaged houses when one of his inventions went haywire.

Hiccup had decided that there was no way that he was going to just talk his way out of this one so he decided that he would give his father the truth. "I was a dark time, I felt hopeless. I didn't think that I could handle disappointing you again or the stress of not knowing when Snotlout would decide that it was a good day to use me as a punching bag. I was scared and on the brink of giving up. I know that there is no honor in taking your own life" there it was he had said it, it was out in the open. "But I just couldn't see a way out of all the misery, the pain or the disappointment. I don't know what would have happened if I had missed that shot, I just know that it probably would not have ended well." he paused for a moment slowly building that courage to tell Stoick the worst part. "But it wasn't the first time I had thought about it," he admitted this and found the courage to look his Father in the eyes and tears began to fill his eyes as he thought back to all the time that he had thought back to how he would end it. "There were days that I would sit and daydream about how it would happen. All the way that I could bring my suffering to an end." tears were streaming down his cheeks. "And the night before that raid when I was in the b-atth" he had to stop for a minute to catch his breath because he was sobbing.

A realization hit Stoick he knew what Hiccup was going to say, but he didn't want to believe it. He couldn't believe it how had not seen it then. He was drawn back in when Hiccup took a deep breath clearly preparing to finish his tale.

"I was going to do it, it was going to be the end. When I got the bath ready and then finally got in I couldn't help but feel a little excited, as my heart rate speed up in anticipation. I slowly stepped in the tub and say down, I took a deep breath before a sunk under the water and closed my eyes. It wasn't that bad at first. Then my lungs started to burn and I let out the breath that I was holding, sucking in a lungful of water. I panicked and jumped out of the tub tripping on the wall of it and fell on the floor. I started to cough out the water and replace it with air." he had pretty much stopped crying and his tone had turned serious intent on finishing his story. "I made my self a promise that if I didn't manage to take down anything in the next raid I would finish the job that I had started but I would do it better, make sure that it worked."

As he finished his story Stoick couldn't help but think back to that day Hiccups story bring back memories.

Flashback

Stoick had just got home and he was settling down in his chair with a dinner that Hiccup had left out for him. When he heard what sounded like Hiccup making himself a bath. A few minutes of silence passed before he heard a loud crash come from upstairs. He listened for a minute before calling out to his son.

"Son are you okay up there." he wasn't surprised when there was no answer so he settled on finishing his dinner before he went to check on Hiccup.

About five minutes later, Stoick finished his dinner. He got up from his chair taking his plate to the kitchen and placing it on the pile to be cleaned tomorrow. Then he made his way upstairs, only to find his son sleeping in his bed, hair still wet from his bath. He walked over to him and ran a hand through his wet hair, surprised when it felt rough and unwashed, his son was never one to discard that step. They had had that discussion when he was little, he used to refuse to let his Father wash his hair and Stoick had made a deal with his six-year-old son at the time. Stoick had told him that if he didn't let him wash his hair he would have to cut it back, the thought of having to cut his hair made him agree to always wash his hair and kept it somewhat tamed he didn't want to have to cut it like it at the length that it had grown to.

Stoick pushed that thought aside and moved to pull the blanket further up his son's shoulder. He looked up from his sleeping son and found the tub still full of water which still looked to be somewhat warm as if had been abandoned halfway through. That gave Stoick a weird feeling but he brushed it aside and descended down the stair to his own bed.

Stoick cursed himself for not thinking of it earlier. They sat there in silence for a few minutes before Stoick spoke up, he had to ask the next question. "Son is that the only time that you tried this." he was relieved when Hiccup gave him a small nod. There was a hesitant look in Hiccups eyes, but he didn't know what he was thinking. Dread filled him when he thought that maybe hiccup had lied to him then changed his mind and was going to tell him that it wasn't the only time that he had tried to take his life. Suddenly Hiccup seemed to make up his mind and he launched towards Stoick wrapping his arms around Stoick. All dread left him when Hiccup hugged him. He knew that he hadn't earned Hiccups trust completely, but he hoped that this was the first step on the path to it.

Hiccup was crying into his father's chest like he used to when he had a nightmare or hurt his leg when was little. He was whimpering apologies in his cries. "I'm so sorry dad, I'm so sorry. I didn't really want to leave but I was scared and done with what was happening. All I wanted to do was make you proud." the last sentence hurt Stoick.

"No, son, I'm sorry, I was always proud of you even when I didn't show it. I should have told you more often." Stoick was rubbing Hiccup's back as he was taking deep breaths in attempts to calm his crying.

"I'm so sorry that I -" Hiccup's apology was cut off by Stoick

"You will not apologize for being mad you had every right to yell and scream." Stoick wanted to make sure that he understood that he shouldn't feel sorry for how he reacted.

Those words were something that Hiccup wanted to hear. He was glad that his father understood why he was angry and a small part of him was glad that Stoick was guilty for what he had ignored for years.

Their moment was interrupted when someone burst through the door and found the two of them sitting on the floor hugging. A growl came from Toothless who had stood willing to protect his rider from this new intruder. Before them stood a stunned Spitelout as he looked at his nephew he never thought he would see again. All of them looked at each other in silence. A flash of anger crossed Spitelout's face, but it was quickly replaced with a calm look that served to scare Hiccup. He pushed himself out of Stoick's arm back towards the wall. Stoick stood and addressed Spitlout, "what's wrong?"

"That doesn't matter now." his voice was cold as he stepped towards Hiccup and before any of them could do anything Spitelout grabbed him by the collar and started to drag him out of the house intent on exposing him to the whole village. Toothless was growling and following close behind trying to pull Hiccup away from Spitelout without hurting either man, to no avail. Spitelout threw open the door and moved to the center of the village. Hiccup was struggling the whole time, but the older man was too strong he couldn't twist out of his grip.

A/N: Okay longer chapter, sorry it has taken so long to post but I hope that you enjoy the chapter. I wanted to touch on the forgiving side of Hiccup, even though he has yet to fully forgive anyone and now Spitelout is going make that harder. A cliffhanger I am going to try to update faster but no promises.

And please anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts:

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