Chief Bogo signed off on both the reports of Wilde and Officer Hopps. Begrudgingly. He had thought of calling Wilde to his office to chew him out for such a waste of resources and blatant disregard of the rules by drawing his report. However, Chief Bogo had begun to feel an incessant throbbing in his head that he was concerned might actually be an aneurysm. So, the Chief wisely decided not to invite the fox up to his office and risk death upon seeing the smug vulpine.

It was a smart choice, as right then the mammal in question was feeling extra smug.

Chief Bogo placed both reports into the approved bin and looked at the other two stacked on his desk. The Chief was not a religious mammal, as he felt that the righteousness of the law was enough for anyone to live by. It was almost a fetish. At that moment, though, he was begging the powers that be in a solemn prayer that the case reports in front of him were from a different pair of officers.

Unfortunately for Chief Bogo, as he soon learned upon flipping the top case file open, there was no escape from this Hell.

…

From the desk of Nick Wilde, September I think. Or maybe October? I don't remember, Arrest of Suspect Mister Hoofey McBraniac

To the light of all our existences, the flame that ignites our passion, my inspiration, Chief Bogo,

Anyways, so me and Carrots were chasing down a suspect. We subdued him and took him in. Funny story though, he was a real gem. We tracked him down to his house after he held up a gas station and demanded the attendant sell him gas at a discount. Not that he give him gas, just a discount. He did this at knifepoint. Some days it's hard to get out of bed, and I wonder what life's all about. Then moments like that happen and I remember why I love it so damned much.

It gets better though. The attendant, Whats-his-face, asked the guy holding him at knifepoint if he could have a couple days to think it over. And our guy says yes. He said yes. We got a winner here.

Carrots was questioning the attendant with all seriousness about this "vile and abhorrent mistreatment of the fine declarations of the law" while I swiped a few drinks. The attendant is just standing through all this, listening to Judge Hopps orally titilate the law so hard that I started to feel a bit jealous. At some point she actually asked him a question about the crime.

To be honest, I kind of tuned out there. This song by The Mountain Goats came on over the store's speakers. I love The Mountain Goats. It was that one that sounds really pretty but is actually completely messed up when you listen to the lyrics. "No Children." Good song though. Definitely recommend it.

Luckily, I didn't miss the best part of the conversation between Whiskers and Whats-his-face. As it turns out the guy who held the place up for a discount on gas left not only his phone number with the attendant, but his home address, and the hours he would be home, AND his name.

I swear, Mein Fuhrer, I can't make this stuff up.

…

Bogo blinked at the page several times. He slowly removed his reading glasses and placed them gently on his desk. Then Chief Bogo did what felt natural in that moment. His head quickly smashed the table as he questioned his existence.

Was it an overreaction on his part? Perhaps. Did knowing that prevent his blood pressure from spiking? Of course it didn't.

…

Even my partner had this look on her face. It's that cute one she gets when she's frustrated or can't believe something. It's the classic, "wrinkle your nose and scrunch up your eyes because the sheer idiocy in the room is legitimately blinding" look. I see that look a lot. That's probably not a good thing. Whatever, though, it's adorable. If it means I might suddenly wake up being strangled one day… well that's only fair.

So me and Carrots start heading back to the patrol car to head out to the suspect's house. Oh, by the way, I'm gonna need you to reimburse that station for the two drinks I took. It just sort of slipped my mind as we were heading out, ya' know? Hopps and I need the energy, after all.

…

Chief Bogo looked at the document sitting on his desk marked, "Expense Report." A new column had recently been added to the document that read, "Luxury Expenses." It was added as a way to account for any money the ZPD spent reimbursing citizens who may have, as a direct result of the actions of an officer, lost money. It was a very new addition to the document.

Actually, it hadn't existed at all until around eight months ago. It's debut coincided with the arrival of a new officer to Precinct 1.

…

I asked to drive, and might I say I was very charming about it, too. I pulled out the smile she likes, I stroked her shoulders a little, and I whispered in her ear to tell her I'd do that thing she likes later tonight. I even stroked her ears right at the rim, because it gets her all hot and bothered for some reason. I mean, I was two steps away from making out with her at a grody gas station in front of What-his-face who looked way too happy to be watching. I practically brought out all the stops.

Officer Killjoy declined my request.

Just because I haven't renewed my license in nine years she won't let me drive. Honestly, I don't know how I put up with it. I was driving before she was born. Thinking about it just makes me sad, really. No one respects us elders, do they Buffalo Bill?

Oh, and she got mad at me for something called PDA. I've never heard of it. Maybe it's a rabbit thing.

So Officer StickInTheMud and yours truly advanced towards the address of the perpetrator, who had left his name at the gas station as Hoofdor Doofington. Honestly, I tried to think up a way to improve that, but some things are so very, very perfect the way they are.

Oh, Carrots and I started talking about our sex life after that.

…

As much as Chief Bogo had regretted telling Officer Hopps to never leave even a single detail out of her reports, it did not even compare to the sense of regret he felt at ordering Officer Wilde to do the same.

…

I asked her if she wanted to try this thing I read about in the "Bunny Sutra." And yes, it's actually called that. There is a bunny specific "Karma Sutra." Let me tell you, after reading it, I can very safely say that while bunnies are creative with their… positions, they are much less creative with naming protocol. The position I was 'discussing' with Carrots was called "Hands Over Legs While Upside Down and Held Against the Wall by Lover."

I guess they spend all their naming energy on their hundreds of kids. Actually, speaking of bunny names, they don't really make sense. So, in Bunnyburrow there are like 80 million residents and counting. The Hopps family is one of like twenty thousand individual families in Bunnyburrow. That's where the issue is for me.

If there are twenty thousand bunny families there is just no possible way they can all have a name like Hopps. I asked Carrots if any families shared a last name, and she said they don't. But if that's how it is then there's no way that every family can have a bunny name like Hopps, Skips, or Cottontail. There are only so many ways to make a pun about a rabbit. There just have to be bunnies with families names like Smith, Jones, or Dostoyevsky.

I wonder if those families get shunned for having non-bunny related names.

Anyways, me and Hopps get to Doofington's apartment complex pretty quickly. Turns out he lived close by. It makes sense, though, since he needed gas. What doesn't make sense is why he owns a car. We live in Zootopia. Who in their right mind would drive in the city when they don't have to?

At this point things got difficult, because Doofington lives on the seventh floor of the building and the elevator is out of order. We had to take the stairs. Instead of those normal steps that everyone likes, this apartment building decided to build them steep and small. Do you know what the real tragedy is, Chief Boogie Woogie? An engineer designed this. An engineer sat down and decided these steps were a good idea. HE WAS PAID FOR THIS.

After Judo Baggins and me ascended Mount Doom, she knocked on good ole' Hoofdor's door. I remember because she knocks on doors like she's trying to punch a hole in drywall. Of course, since no one answered within three seconds, Carrots yelled, "OPEN THIS DOOR IN THE NAME OF THE LAW." I'm not kidding.

Amazingly the moose who had held up a gas station thirty minutes prior was not motivated to open the door by that. Truly, it's unbelievable he wouldn't respond to a request as reasonable as my partner's. We were at a disadvantage. His brilliant mind could not be swayed and he was determined to avoid capture.

His plan was ingenious. How could anyone have ever predicted that a mammal would try to escape by using the fire escape? Hoofdor Doofington will forever live on in the hearts and minds of all as an inspired criminal mastermind without compare.

Unfortunately, Doofington's plan of escape was foiled by his mortal enemy. A foe he could never face nor comprehend- inconceivable, purely evil, steadfast, a true force of nature- the window lock. It was on the inside of the apartment. He also hadn't locked his front door. I would say more about this intellectually gifted individual, but alas, I can hardly do him justice with mere words.

But for real, I love this guy. Hopps and I get into his apartment, and he is literally up against the window banging on the lock with his hooves. He sees us and he gets up, looks at us, while Judy already has her tranq pulled out and at the ready, and says, "Hey guys!"

He said it like we weren't two cops who walked into his house after he held up a gas station. So Hopps, who was genuinely confused, tell him we're there to arrest him. Any normal mammal would either give themselves up, resist, feign ignorance, or try to talk their way out of it like yours truly.

Not Hoofdor Doofington. He is a paragon of individuality- someone everyone aspires to be.

He was going to go a different route. Hoofdor Doofington looked Carrots straight on and asked, "Wait, are you not the rabbit and fox strippers I ordered?"

Whiskers was not as amused as I was and told Doofy that we had to take him in for an attempted… robbery, I guess? Can we call demanding a discount at the threat of violence robbery? Is there a word for that?

Hoofdor then loudly proclaimed, "You'll never take me alive!" Then he started messing with the window lock again. Really ruined the effect when he couldn't get it open. I forgive him, though. Dramatic exits are hard.

Now, while the show was very entertaining to me, my partner was a bit impatient and much less impressed. And I, being a loving and generous mammal, decided I would try to assuage her by performing my duty as an officer of the law. Plus, I was already in the doghouse with her anyways after her folks stumbled on that carrot pen recording of one of our more intimate moments while visiting. I can only push my luck so far.

So I move in with my cuffs to arrest the guy. Poor Doofus must have been frightened though, because he lashed out and managed to clock me pretty hard. To be honest, I'm not sure if he was actually trying to hit me or not, but even if he was…I could never stay mad at someone named Hoofdor Doofington.

I'm not completely sure what happened after that because I had a little black out from the hit. When I came to a few seconds later, Doofington was on his back, groaning, cuffed, and being read his rights by Judes.

That's pretty much it.

…

Chief Bogo was confused. While it wasn't exactly an orthodox arrest, nor an orthodox report, nothing in it struck him as being something records would consider worthy of being brought to his attention. It seemed to loosely follow procedure. Neither of his officers had blatantly harassed a suspect, witness, or victim.

…

Oh right, she also kicked him in the face after restraining him. Then she hit me, but I didn't deserve it. She just has an abuse problem. I filed a complaint.

…

Chief Bogo's groan could be heard all the way from reception.

…

Hugs and Kisses,

Nicholas Wilde

P.S. - When we booked Monsieur Doofington, he had a great excuse. "I really needed gas, but I thought 3.99 was way too steep, even for Zootopia. I thought 3.89 seemed more reasonable." He has a fair point.

…

Chief Bogo probably would not have been looking forward to reading Officer Hopps' report on the incident. He did not care then. Chief Bogo was too busy holding back tears as he realized that it was only Monday, and there would still be another week of reports to read after he was done today.

Then Chief Bogo had a thought that might save him, at least for a day. He would assign both Hopps and Wilde to interrogation. Almost anything was allowed in interrogation. Records had never before made him read a report that came from an interrogation. He contented himself with that knowledge, unaware of the nightmare he was soon to unleash on himself.

AN: I continued this. Again, depending on the reaction I may or may not do more. I'm not quite decided on how long I want each update to be yet, as these first two chapters I've written have been fairly short. If longer chapters with less frequent updates are preferred over shorter chapters with frequent updates, let me know.