One of my biggest complaints about the movie was that there were so many missed opportunities with regards to exploring the Internet. This chapter tries to remedy that, hence the length. And this is the trimmed down version…
Disclaimer: Turbo's views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the author.
Chapter 5: The Search for More Money
If Ralph didn't like BuzzzTube before, his opinion certainly changed after walking through it for a few minutes. "This place… is great! There are all kinds of videos in here!"
Turbo didn't see what the big deal was. So many videos were about the same subjects that he got tired of them. "Yeah, if you like babies and cats…"
Vanellope pointed to one screen. "Look! There's you!" On a rotating platform in the center of the building were a few large videos, and one of them was Ralph's. Human avatars tossed heart-shaped symbols into a suction device. "Wonder why those little guys are giving your video all those hearts."
"Obviously they love me," the wrecker concluded. "I told you this place was a good idea."
Vanellope smiled knowingly but said, "Yeah, I'm sure you did, doof."
Not wanting to waste any more time, Turbo spoke up, "Now, who are we supposed to see about getting paid again?"
"The head algorithm," said Vanellope, walking towards an elevator. "Her name is Yesss."
Yesss' office was at the top of the tower in the middle of the site. When the doors opened and they stepped inside, the fashionably dressed woman was sitting at her desk swiping through videos boredly with her assistant by her side.
"Heyyo!" Ralph greeted in his usual way. "Are you the head of Al Gore?"
The woman snapped her mohawked head up and corrected, "I am the head algorithm of BuzzzTube, which means I curate the content at the Internet's most popular video sharing site, which means I don't have time to trifle with every shoeless, mouth-breathing hobo that trundles into my office!"
Turbo winced in sympathy for Ralph. Ouch. He really does get this from everyone.
Yesss went back to her screen and waved a dismissive hand at her assistant. "Call security, Maybe!"
He gazed at the trio but his wide eyes were focused on Ralph. He then whispered to his boss, "Yes, b-but Yesss? This is the leaf blower guy."
She barely glanced up. "Who?"
"The man with the undulating jowls?"
"So?"
Maybe showed her the video on his screen. "His video has over 1.3 million hearts."
Her expression went from disgust to friendly in an instant. Even the lights on her jacket sparkled when she grinned. "Well! Why didn't you tell me I was in the presence of a genius?" She got up and strutted over to Ralph, commanding her assistant, "Grab him a drink."
Vanellope explained, "Yeah, this lady named Shank, she actually made the video. She's the one who told us to come see you."
"No wonder your video's so dope! Shank is for real cool."
"Right?" Vanellope agreed.
Turbo just rolled his eyes. He wished everyone would stop praising her. Even if it was kinda sorta true…
"Pfft! She is not!" Ralph said after taking a sip of his cocktail. "I'm the cool one getting all the hearts."
Yesss cooed, "Well, that's right, you big baby!" She pinched his cheek, getting a childish giggle out of him.
Turbo stared in amazement. What was Ralph's secret to getting all these women to fawn over him?
Yesss released her grip and asked, "Um, what'd you say your name was?"
"Ralph," he answered bashfully, "Wreck-it Ralph."
"Well, Wreck-it Ralph, you are trending!" She flicked her wrist like a magician and suddenly in her hand were the same heart symbols they'd seen earlier. "And these are for you." She palmed the hearts and swiped them at Ralph one at a time as she said, "Heart, heart, heart, heart…"
They floated around Ralph, who looked a bit confused at first, but then he started chanting along with Yesss and danced on his toes giddily.
Turbo swatted a heart that fell in front of his face and he cleared his throat. "Can we get on with this?"
"Yeah, not to buzzkill the love fest you guys got going on here," Vanellope said with a chuckle, "but Shank kinda told us that viral videos can make, like, actual money?"
Yesss turned to her. "Hearts are money, honey." She produced a screen and explained, "Your Buzzzy account converts hearts into dollars. Kaching!"
Ralph grinned at the figure he saw. "$43,000? Guys, we only needed $27,001. We're done!"
Turbo groaned in exasperation. "How do you still not know how numbers work? That says $43."
Ralph looked closer and frowned. "43? That's not even half of 27,001."
Vanellope fretted, "We only have 8 hours left to save my game…"
"I hate to say it, but that ain't happening," Yesss said, suddenly not sounding sympathetic at all. "Your video's tapped out."
"But I thought you said I was trenching."
"Trending," both Turbo and Vanellope corrected.
Yesss showed them another screen with a plummeting line graph. "You were, but that was 15 seconds ago. Now you're not." She turned away in disinterest and sauntered back to her desk. "Thanks for stopping by, though."
Maybe snatched Ralph's drink before he could finish it and returned to Yesss.
"I knew that silly video was a bad idea," sighed Turbo. "How could the humans have not gotten sick of it?"
Vanellope suggested, "What if we go back to Slaughter Race and I ask Shank-"
"No!" Turbo shouted at once. He regained his composure when she gave him a quizzical look. "I mean… No, thanks."
"Don't worry, we're not going back to that death trap," Ralph reassured with a stern look at Vanellope. He stomped over to the head algorithm. "Yesss, what if I made a whole bunch of videos of me doing crazy things?"
"You mean saturate the market?" She sounded thoughtful. "That could give you a lot of hearts fast."
Vanellope went up to Ralph and asked, "Have you thought this through at all? What are you even planning to do in these videos?"
The wrecker shrugged. "I'll just copy whatever's popular."
Yesss beamed. "Genius!" She snapped her fingers. "Yo, Maybe, what's trending now?"
"Let's have a looky-looky…" Maybe pulled up several videos on his screen, flipping through them as he listed, "As usual, human suffering is #1. Followed by hot pepper eating challenges, video game walkthroughs, screaming goats are back…"
Turbo shook his head in incredulity as Maybe went on. How could humans like this stuff? Were they really that boring?
"And lastly, bee puns," Maybe finished dully.
"He won't be doing any bee puns," Yesss said, then gave Ralph an encouraged glance. "They're beneath you."
But Ralph straightened determinedly and declared, "Oh, I'm doing the bee pun. Yes I am! And I'll be eating a hot pepper, and I'll put on makeup-"
Turbo had heard enough. "Ralph! Are you listening to yourself? That one video was famous for a few minutes. You'd have to make hundreds of these stupid things to get the money!"
"Well, I'm cool now, so my fans will watch anything I put out."
Turbo scowled at Ralph's naïveté. "People care about quality over quantity." Without thinking, he said, "I bet I could get the money we need faster than you, without resorting to making those kinds of videos. Then we'll see who's cooler."
Ralph crossed his arms but looked down at the white racer respectfully. "Challenge accepted."
Turbo shook his hand, a cunning smile spreading across his lips. But his brain questioned, Wait, what just happened?!
Yesss leapt out of her chair and onto her desk jubilantly. "A rivalry for the same cause! I love it! That is what the Internet was made for!" She pointed to the two of them. "Now boys, let's get to work!"
"In conclusion, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom was a complete waste of time, intelligence, and Jeff Goldblum. B+!" Turbo stopped the recording and made a few quick edits. Then he posted the video and leaned back in satisfaction.
He'd already made 4 movie reviews and 6 song covers as well as several mixed media skits, and the hearts were racking up fast. His days of being humiliated were over. If Ralph wanted to make a fool of himself, who was he to stop him? Turbo was making money with dignity. The way he was going, he'd have enough in no time!
Just then, a skinny blue-haired man dressed in a business suit and carrying a briefcase materialized next to him. He spoke in a nasally voice, "Greetings, Turbo! A copyright holder has asked us to take down your video, 'Let's Watch with Turbo: Pokémon episode 1', due to a violation of our copyright policy. You now have 1 copyright strike against you."
"Wait, what the… Who the heck are you?!"
"Also, your video, 'Look What You Made Me Do: Turbo cover', contains content from Big Machine Records, who has blocked it in some countries."
"Oh, come on!" Turbo protested. "I don't even like Taylor Swift!"
The man suggested, "If you want to check your video status before you make it public, you can first upload it as unlisted. If you think we got it wrong and your account has more than 100,000 followers, you can appeal and we will review your unlisted video regardless of view count. However, you will not be allowed to exchange your heart count for usable currency."
Turbo stood up and demanded, "What kind of site is this?! Who do you think you are?!"
"My name is Nope," he replied. "I am the Content ID algorithm for BuzzzTube."
Turbo grunted. Yesss. Maybe. Nope. Who named these programs? "Look, pal, it's not like I was claiming that I own this content. Why would I even want people to think I made Transformers: The Last Knight?"
"The copyright laws are there to protect producers' money—uh, image."
"But my videos are under fair use, so I haven't broken any laws!"
"How do you explain these videos?" Nope called attention to a series of videos featuring clips from different sources edited with various visual effects and sentence mixing.
"They call it BuzzzTube Crap," he told him. Turbo wasn't a fan of the term, but the effort he put into them gave them a certain class that other BTC's didn't have. "And all those videos are clearly covered by the parody/satire clause."
"Any use of copyrighted images-" Nope quickly whispered, "that producers don't make money off of-" then went back to normal, "is strictly prohibited."
Turbo argued, "But all this stuff is free advertising to people that don't know about it! Isn't it more of a waste to stop people trying to promote content?"
"Producers have nothing better to do than sue Internet celebrities," he admitted.
"Seems more like a case of freedom of speech being threatened by insecure goons."
"You can express yourself in any way you want," assured Nope, "as long as you don't express yourself in any way you want. Especially if you use Turbo's image."
He gaped in confusion. "But I am Turbo!"
"His image must be protected, even from yourself!"
"Then by that definition Wreck-it Ralph should be punished for using his own image!"
Nope stated, "I'll deal with him later, but what you're doing is wrong too."
Turbo growled in frustration. At this rate, the only videos he would be allowed to make would be exactly like the ones he said he wouldn't do. "What would happen if I still made the videos I want?"
"If another one of your videos receives a copyright strike, your account will have to be immediately terminated."
"Then all my hard work will have been for nothing!"
Nope took out a screen from his briefcase and said, "You can learn more about our copyright policy by watching 'BuzzzTube Copyright Basics'."
"Forget it!" Turbo stormed off. "I'll find some other way to make money!"
Nope put away his screen as his pager beeped. He checked it. "Uh-oh. Another AMV is using copyrighted footage and music!" He disappeared in a flash.
"Welcome back, humans! Turbo from Turbo Time here with another Oculus Rift experience!" he greeted through his headset, which was fitted over his helmet along with the virtual reality apparatus. "This one's called Epic Roller Coasters. I'm really excited about it, and I hope you are too. Let's begin!"
As he enjoyed the virtual ride, a nearby camera was recording him. Off to the side was a screen showing the Twitch broadcast, including live footage from the Oculus Rift and Turbo's simultaneous reactions. There was another screen showing the Twitch chat.
So far he hadn't run into any problems with the streaming site. Despite his initial small following, he was quickly allowed into the Twitch Partner Program, as long as he kept promoting the Twitch Turbo service. Speaking of which…
"Oh, and remember, if you want ad-free viewing, go Turbo with Twitch Turbo!"
The profit made from subscribers was currently small, but it should increase exponentially by word of mouth. Who couldn't resist his charms and excellent commentary?
Once the virtual ride was over, Turbo lifted the gear from his eyes and took a quick glance at the Twitch screen, but found the amount of live viewers was dwindling. "No, come back!" he cried instinctively.
Judging by the rapid decrease of viewers, he must've come off as too desperate.
He ripped off his headset, threw it at the ground and fumed, "Who could be more interesting than me?" He stomped out of his recording studio and into the room for featured live channels.
One recently started channel had a middle age bearded man sitting in an expensive gaming chair playing Fortnite. The gameplay screen was quite small compared to the one focused on him and his bimbo girlfriend who didn't do anything except wear revealing clothing. And they already had a lot more live viewers than Turbo had.
"Oh great, the only way I can get more viewers is to grow a beard!" reasoned Turbo. "Or wear a bikini." Since he wasn't doing either of those, he left Twitch behind.
Turbo waited in line among various anime characters, each one eager to promote their show on Crunchyroll. He didn't make any episodes yet, but he figured he could pitch his idea and hopefully get a sign-on bonus.
He tuned in to the conversation between the curator and the character in front of him: a small, yellow duck.
"I'm sorry, Duck," the curator was saying, "but Princess Tutu does not seem to be profitable enough to be hosted on our site."
Duck flapped her wings in indignation and quacked, "Fine! I'll take my show to KissAnime!" She waddled away with her beak in the air.
Turbo approached the desk and said, "Hi, I'm Turbo. I'd like to pitch an idea for an anime starring me. It's called, 'Turbo Time'."
"That doesn't sound like an anime…"
"Sometimes it goes with the subtitle, 'A Turbo-tastic Journey'."
"That's more like it!" the curator approved. "So, what's the summary?"
"Well, Turbo—that's me—is off to show that he's the greatest racer ever. So he races against twins to master an oval track."
"…That's it?"
"Uh… he also has to balance his dreams with schoolwork. And extra-curricular activities!" Turbo improvised. "And his car can transform into a mecha… because he has to save the world from an evil guy who wants to take over! And he's got lots of love interests…" He was starting to run out of ideas. "Um… and there's pterodactyls at some point?"
The curator didn't seem impressed anymore. "I don't know, it sounds too derivative." He squinted at Turbo and asked, "Are you even from a Japanese studio?"
Turbo stammered, "Uh, well, I… I'm Japanese enough!"
"I think your off-the-wall humour would be better suited with an American animation company, like Cartoon Network." He pointed across the way to the entrance to said place, where the main cast of Teen Titans Go! performed wacky antics.
"Ugh…" Turbo walked away in dejection.
Maybe videos aren't the way to go, he thought. What if I branch out?
He'd come across a banking site, which looked like, well, a bank. It would be possible to steal all he needed from it, but the resulting attention in the human world from such an action would be a lot more trouble that it was worth. Besides, Shank already said there were better ways than theft.
Not that he was trying to impress her or anything. Because, of course, he wasn't.
Turbo contemplated. Aside from his racing abilities, he had an extensive knowledge of coding. Perhaps there was a website that he could use to monetize that skill.
His search took him to the Game Distribution District, which was designed like an outlet mall with the various sites in close proximity to each other. As such, the most popular sites seemed to be very competitive.
"Your games are just for filthy casuals!" the Playstation manager heckled his neighbour.
The App Store manager countered, "At least we have games!"
Turbo chuckled and kept walking, passing the Wii Shop. A sign on the window read, "We're moving!" and pointed next door to the Nintendo eShop.
The characters from the stores were free to mingle, however, as Turbo noticed many strolling on the boulevard. Nearby, a group of half a dozen Marios were marching together with one of them jumping every few steps. "Excuse me, Mario?"
Every one of them stopped and turned their heads to him.
"Er, not all of you. Who's the main Mario?"
One of them spoke up, "I am!"
One pointed at another one. "He is!"
A third, "We are!"
"Me too!" said the last.
Turbo rolled his eyes. "You can't all be Mario!"
"Yes-a we can! This is the Super Mario Club!" they declared, posing.
"Ok, I don't really care. How can I make money here?"
The first Mario answered, "Most indie games can be sold on Steam!" All of them pointed to a massive dark blue building. "If you're lucky, you can also get it promoted on Nintendo Switch!"
"Cool. Thanks."
And then he found out what indie games were by looking at different examples. "I don't get it," he said to himself, staring at the digital box for Undertale. "Is Frisk supposed to be a boy, or a girl?"
The RED Scout from Team Fortress 2 went up to him. "We don't even know the Pyro's gender either. You making an indie game?"
"Actually, I don't think they're really my thing…"
"Well, why don't you start modding?" He gestured to the Steam Workshop and explained, "We get a bunch of people who make modifications of games that people can download. If you're a good modder, you can even get paid for it!"
Modifying game code? That's exactly what I did in Sugar Rush! Turbo realized. "Sounds right up my alley!"
So Turbo set up his workstation with a sign inviting characters to participate in his modding service, figuring that after he had made several he'd put them up for sale. Once he'd altered a couple brave volunteers, more characters came up to him when they saw his expertise. Soon, Turbo found himself modding a wide variety of characters. If he wasn't in a race to save his game, he could get used to his growing popularity here.
"Next!" Turbo wiped his brow after finishing another velociraptor skin texture. When the third anime girl he'd seen so far came up to him he sighed and told her, "Please don't ask me to make your school uniform tighter. I'm not that kind of modder."
"Actually, I was going to ask if you needed any help," the pink-haired girl said. "I know quite a bit about coding."
Something was off about her, maybe the way she smiled without blinking. "Um, no thanks. I've got it covered."
Instead of leaving like any normal person would, she inquired peculiarly, "Have you ever wondered what we must look like to the humans?" She took a step closer. "Do they see us as CGI characters, or as people dressed up as our characters? Is my reality different from your reality?"
Turbo stared awkwardly, not sure what to make of this girl. "Uh… I don't go for crazy. …Anymore."
A large white robot that hung from the ceiling swiveled over and said, "Ignore her. That's just Monika. She suffered from brain damage after a test subject deleted her file from her game." The female-voiced machine focused her optic on him. "Your pathetic mods will never make real money, by the way. You should just give up."
Another voice called out from one corner, "Back off, GLaDOS! It's not his fault that Valve can't count to 3!"
Turbo smiled at the familiar character. "Sonic!"
The blue hedgehog waved but didn't get up from sitting at what appeared to be a stand for his newer games.
Turbo put up a "Be Back Whenever" sign and went over to him, thankful to be away from the creepy strangers. "I would've thought there'd be a lot of people buying your games."
Sonic's eyes seemed to deeply glare and he sneered, "Oh really? You think I, modern Sonic, would have tons of fans buying my games, as opposed to my classic counterpart over there?" He jabbed his thumb to a different stand where a shorter, silent Sonic was distributing copies of Sonic Mania to a group of happy shoppers.
"Oh. Sorry, I didn't notice."
Sonic continued grumbling in self pity, "I mean, I tried to do the classic route a couple of times, but NO ONE was willing to give Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode 1 a chance! They were all like, 'Green-eyed Sonic? The horror!' I think Steam still sells that game out of pity."
"What would happen if they didn't sell your games?" Turbo asked out of curiosity.
"If your games are no longer for sale, they disappear into the ether and you have to live outside in a cardboard box," he answered. "I guess that's why they stuck me next to the window beside the Delisted shelter."
Turbo opened the window and peered outside. The Delisted shelter was more like a junky alley filled with cardboard homes and various characters. To his surprise, one of them was an F-14 plane. Turbo called out, "Hey, aren't you the plane from the Afterburner arcade game?"
The plane rotated itself to face Turbo and a pilot's voice emitted, "I'm the plane from Afterburner Climax. For some reason they decided to pull my game from the online stores, even though the arcade version is perfectly fine in Japan."
"Yeah, the one in my arcade lasted well into the 2000's."
"You don't have to rub it in!" Its jets spewed fire in frustration.
A group of four identical Links in different coloured outfits grumbled, "Our game was only available for a limited time anniversary event…"
GLaDOS added mournfully over Turbo's shoulder, "I'm no longer able to host poker tournaments."
The racer frowned, letting this information sink in. He came to the sober realization: Even online games don't last forever. With frantic resolve he ran back towards his station, saying, "I better sell my mods now to save the home I do have!"
But when he got there, the Steam manager was waiting for him. "It has come to our attention that you plan to sell your mods. This is illegal, you know."
"Huh?" Turbo stared, flabbergasted. "Since when?"
"Since 2015, and the deal only lasted a week due to 'a dump truck of feedback'. Besides, 75% of sales would've gone to us, anyway."
"Wait! Someone told me I could!"
Standing nearby, the RED Scout snickered and took off his mask to reveal the BLU Spy. He lit a cigarette and chortled, "Heheheh, he eez such a gullible zombie!" then ran off.
Turbo growled to himself for falling for the trick. He pleaded with the manager, "Come on, I really need the money!"
He suggested, "You can always join Undertale. You'd fit right in as Sans' cousin!"
"Nevermind!" Turbo furiously made his way to the exit.
"I told you your mods would never make money," GLaDOS said as he left. She lamented, "Why does no one ever believe me?"
A museum-like building caught his eye, as well as its familiar name: DeviantArt. "Hey, that's that website Sonic was freaking out over," he said to himself curiously. "I wonder why." Figuring he had a few minutes, Turbo walked inside to check it out.
The center was laid out more like an art gallery. The paintings that greeted him near the entrance were beautiful in all their different styles- how could anyone be terrified of this place? Even better, some of the pieces called commissions had prices showing how much the clients paid for them.
"I can make money here? Turbo-tastic!" First he needed to see what kind of art was his style. He'd never dabbled in it before, but he thought that just by examining different methods he'd find his own niche.
Turbo wandered into the next section, which still had some nice paintings, but more drawings that were of lesser quality. In fact, the further he went, the stranger the pieces got.
Furrowing his brows suspiciously, he went over to the searchbar and redirected himself to artwork related to "Sonic the Hedgehog". Some of what he saw there was ok.
The rest was beyond anything he imagined.
"Sweet candy sprinkles!" Turbo gasped. "Who in their right minds would come up with this trash?!" No wonder Sonic hated this place. He felt especially bad for the minors in the hedgehog's game.
Turbo had to look away. If this was what art was like with Sonic's franchise, then that would mean…
Oh no.
Turbo rushed over to the searchbar and shakily looked up "Turbo Time". He knew it was a bad idea before he got there, but he needed closure.
It had a smaller collection, but even his game wasn't immune to the twisted kinks that some humans dared to express. And that was with the safe filter on.
Turbo gagged. He couldn't even bear to look up "Sugar Rush". He made a mad dash to the nearest exit, screaming, "YOU'RE SICK, DEVIANTART! YOU'RE SIIIIIICK!"
Tumblr wasn't much better. He couldn't make money off it, and it was mostly just people complaining. But Turbo did come away with a few new slang words though.
"T-U-R-B-O! Jump into your racing car! Say Turbo Time! Turbo Time!" he sang into the mic. Turbo finally had enough songs to make a small vaudeville album for people to listen to on SoundCloud. Now all he had to do was wait for his songs to get at least 5,000 plays so he could monetize them.
He tapped his foot while staring at the screen. After a few seconds he hit the refresh button. Nothing changed.
He waited a few more seconds before trying again. There was one play on his song.
"…How long is this going to take?!" With a frustrated growl he hurried out of his SoundCloud studio.
"And if you donate, I'll send you an autographed picture of myself!" Turbo advertised. But his heart sank when net users walked past without giving him much thought.
He'd been at this Kickstarter thing for a while, and so far he couldn't get anyone to fund his "Give Turbo Money" project.
"What does the potato salad guy have that I don't?!" he wondered, glaring at the man's Kickstarter booth, which had many backers gathered around and throwing him their money. Turbo yelled at them, "It's potato salad!"
He'd heard people went to LinkedIn to look for jobs, so that was Turbo's next destination. But when he got there, he realized that it was for jobs in the real world, and it was mostly populated by old people anyway.
Turbo stepped into the darkened building of another website. "Hello?" he called out, trying to adjust his eyes. "Where'd everybody go? Helloooo?" Seeing as the place was deserted, Turbo huffed and exited MySpace.
"Change! You got change?" Turbo practically begged, waving his screen desperately in front of passing net users in the Patrion hall. "Come on, help a guy out, will ya? I'm pretty sure I still have some videos left on my BuzzzTube account!"
"Well, they've bought everything else," he said, standing in front of a large gated entrance. "Might as well see if I can make money off of them."
As a last resort, Turbo walked into Oh My Disney.
The movie didn't explain how other websites worked, so neither did I. However, special credit goes to my brother who came up with a lot of ideas for this chapter, including the inside functions of certain sites, and the name of the BuzzzTube Content ID algorithm.