Spoilers for Disney movies.

Chapter 6: House of Villains

Hailed as the happiest place on Earth, it was no surprise that Disney World was the source of inspiration behind the design of Oh My Disney. The place was packed with net users, who were mostly children. Some of them interacted with characters from the property in various ways.

It was so loud and big that it was hard for Turbo to know where to go. He wished someone had given him a map. It didn't help that a song kept blaring from an unseen speaker about a woman who wanted to let it go.

He tried looking around for someone to help him. "Hey, excuse me," he said to a pirate. "Is there a manager I can talk to?"

"Come to negotiate, eh, you slimy git?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Well, look what I got." The pirate danced while holding a glass container in front of him and sang, "I got a jar of dirt. I got a jar of dirt. I got a jar of dirt. And guess what's inside it!"

Another pirate arrived and dragged the first one away, scolding, "Stop trying to bring back that meme! It's not gonna happen!"

"…Ok…" Turbo backed up, nearly tripping over what he first thought was a trashcan, until it spun around and whacked at him with metal claws.

The orange robot snapped at him in some kind of angry garbled speech, as if telling him off.

"Sheesh, it was just an accident!" he spat. "Why don't you watch where you're going, R2-D2?"

The robot recoiled, gasping in audacity. With one last swipe at the racer, Chopper wheeled away.

Turbo brushed his shoulder and watched him leave. There better be some normal or nice people around here. He noticed two characters who were large but seemed to have a gentle temperament conversing with each other, so he approached them.

"Pacha, you've been in a TV series based on your movie. You got any tips on making a successful show?" asked the one with blue fur that looked as soft as a cat's.

"Well, Sully, I think all great shows need characters that work well with each other. When you get the character relationships just right…" Pacha held up one hand and made an "ok" gesture with the other, closing his eyes in satisfaction. "…The show sings."

Turbo quipped, "Hey, your voices sound the same too."

Sully nodded and informed, "We also both have a small, wacky sidekick."

"Anyway, where can I apply to work for Disney?"

Pacha turned to his friend. "We have job applications here?"

Sully shrugged. "Don't look at me. I've never been good with paperwork."

"Nevermind. Thanks anyway." Turbo continued scanning the area, and got startled when a pop-up popped up beside him.

"Hey! Listen! Check out the latest Wreck-it Ralph video!" she said, shoving the clickable screen in his face.

"What? He's here too?" He glanced over at the other pop-ups trying to get users to click on Ralph's video. Most of them were successful, including one that Turbo recognized. "Vanellope?!"

The candy girl had her own intrusive screen that she got people's attention with. Using her annoyance to her advantage, she was able to lure many away.

Turbo let out a growl. No way I'm gonna lose to such cheap tactics. He grabbed the screen from his pop-up and threw it on the ground. He stomped on it until it was completely broken, then walked away.

Wandering further, he noticed a squad of Stormtroopers marching down a hall. He approached them and said, "Excuse me, how can I make real money here?"

After a pause, one of them asked the others, "Is this a drill or something?"

Turbo explained, "I'm just looking to capitalize on Disney's success."

"Hmm." The lead trooper said, "You might wanna talk with the folks in that room." He pointed to a door in the hallway. "They're experts in things like wanting money."

"Great. Thanks so much." Before Turbo left, he smiled mischievously and added, "Oh, and by the way, there's some illegal pop-up activity happening on the main floor. Keep an eye out especially for a troublesome, sticky-haired girl."

The Stormtroopers readied their blasters. "Pop-up scum!" They marched swiftly away.

With a dark chuckle, Turbo entered the room labelled, "Villains".

True to its name, he was greeted with the sight of threatening characters mingling in a posh lounge with a black, red, and purple colour scheme. As soon as he entered, several pairs of eyes leered his way.

Turbo closed the door behind him and put on a friendly smile. "Hi there, guys. Lovely to meet you all. I'm-" He didn't get a chance to finish, because he was suddenly trapped between the wall and several looming villains.

"Take a look at the new guy," sneered an Arabian sorcerer.

Someone who was half octopus and half drag queen added in disgust, "Guess they'll just let anybody in here."

Turbo waved his hands quickly. "Oh, no, no, no, I'm not-"

"He looks boring," criticized a gray-skinned man with blue flames for hair. "Let's get him."

The villains clamoured in agreement, pressing closer until Turbo couldn't do anything but brace himself and plead for mercy. "N-n-no, wait!"

"Whoa, whoa, time out!" spoke up a new voice, and a man with wild red hair wearing a mask and rocket boots hovered above them. The villains paused to look at him as he examined the racer. "What have we here? Pale skin, glowing eyes, and yellow teeth? I don't know about you, but he looks like a villain to me!"

Turbo was about to object, but then he remembered all the horrible things he'd done in his life. He was a villain, and no matter how much time had passed, he still regretted it. Besides, if he denied it, they would most likely kill him. "It's true!" he confessed. "I'm bad!"

"Oh really? What heinous crimes have you committed?" asked an old man in a black judge's robe.

"For one thing, I was able to successfully take over a kingdom under everyone else's noses."

A maned lion scoffed, "So did I."

"I also captured a girl that didn't know she was a princess."

"Been there, done that," said a black-haired woman wearing a long red dress.

"Oh, I acted comical to hide my true identity."

"Still boring!"

"Uh… I also ended up transforming into a monster and died."

A lot of them groaned. "Cliché!"

"Well…" Unable to think of anything else, he blurted out, "I also got everyone to trust me until the last minute!"

There was a pause, then the rocket boot guy stated, "Oh, ok, so you fit in more with the modern Disney villains." He pointed to a small group of characters quietly sitting by themselves on a couch.

Turbo gawked. "You put me in with a pretty-boy prince, a kabuki actor, and the Serta mascot?!"

The well-dressed sheep he was referring to glared at him with her arms crossed.

The others gave Turbo some space, and a woman in a luxuriant fur coat said, "Our deepest apologies. We're so used to staying in character for when we get called to do quizzes."

Turbo let himself relax. "I see."

Everyone introduced themselves, ending with the flying man who declared overdramatically, "And I'm Syndrome! The greatest nemesis and leader of the Disney villains!"

Yzma muttered to Turbo under her breath, "He's really not, but we just let him think he is so he doesn't whine about being special."

Syndrome added, "We don't get a lot of visitors, so feel free to stick around. You might even learn something!"

"Thanks." The villains went back to their lounging. Turbo accepted a cup of tea from Lady Tremaine and joined others around a coffee table. "Anyway, the reason I came here is because I need to make a lot of money fast," he explained.

"Money, you say?" the very British Radcliff spoke first. "That is very easy. Just take over Indian territory and dig for gold."

Clayton cocked his gun and said, "No, no, poaching is the way to go."

"Will you put that thing away?" Shere Khan hissed, crouching behind the sofa.

"I told you, I only hunt GO-RIL-LAS!"

Commander Rourke suggested, "Or you could just steal an ancient civilization's power crystal and sell it to the Kaiser."

Turbo shook his head. "Can you step out of character for a second? I'm talking about real world money."

Syndrome shrugged. "Can't help you there. This site is just for the fans to read articles and spend money, not make money."

Turbo sighed, "I knew it was too good to be true."

"What do you need the money for anyway?"

"To make a long story short, I need to buy a part for my arcade game, or else it's unplugged for good and I'm homeless. I tried everything I could think of, but I kept running into setbacks."

"Setbacks?!" Yokai snapped with an upright jolt. Realizing his outburst, he sat back down and unclenched his fists. "I'm sorry. That word always triggers me."

"…Good to know." Turbo rephrased, "I just meant that no one thing worked."

"Well, don't give up!" encouraged the wicked queen. "Any selfish goal is a noble one, so keep trying until you succeed!"

The others agreed in unison.

Turbo faked a smile, but frowned when he looked at his reflection in his cup of tea. Though he was trying to get the wheel so Taffyta and the other racers wouldn't have to suffer they way he did, he was also doing it selfishly so he could finally be playable. Maybe all the trouble that kept happening to him was a sign that he didn't deserve nice things. But these antagonists would never understand; they were just actors who were praised for their villainous qualities. But he was the one who actually did evil deeds.

All of a sudden, Turbo realized there was a strange feeling in his head, like someone was poking around in his mind. He whipped his eyes in the direction of a cold draft and caught sight of a tall figure standing in the shadow of a curtain, watching him from behind his metallic mask.

The hooded man trudged over and sat beside Turbo. "You're not alone," he whispered, but the voice amplifier in his mask did nothing to hide his words.

"Um, what?"

"Don't be afraid, I feel it too."

Turbo blinked. "I literally have no idea what you're talking about."

"The conflict over your past," the man clarified. "It's making you feel vulnerable."

"N-no I don't," Turbo said quickly, not to lie to the mysterious man—he clearly saw right through him—but to save face in front of the other villains.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way to become who you were meant to be," he urged.

Obviously overhearing the conversation, Hans mocked, "Only if he wants to become like you, Kylo Ren! Or should I say, Crylo Ren!" He laughed cruelly, until his eyes bugged out and his breath came in strangled gasps.

"Oh no, he's choking on his tea," Kylo Ren deadpanned, a dark energy radiating from him. He levitated Hans into the air and sneered, "I see what's in your mind. And it. Is. Stupid!" He thrust his arm forward.

Hans flew backwards into the wall and collapsed on the floor, unconscious.

Turbo stared in shock, but the other villains reacted from nonchalant to mildly annoyed.

Syndrome hovered in front of him and tried to appear diplomatic. "Now, Kylo, we told you that if your franchise cements you as a villain, we'll welcome you with open arms! But for now, we have no room for 'gray area' characters. They're weak."

Maleficent placed a hand over her forehead and lamented, "Ugh, don't remind me of my Angelina Jolie counterpart."

"Or 'Descendents' and 'Once Upon a Time'," Captain Hook added in shame.

"No one plays Gaston like Gaston!"

"It gets worse," one of the Fates beside Hades spoke up. "In two years, a Japanese entertainment company turns some of you into…" She projected the vision from a floating eyeball. "Sexy anime boys!"

The classic villains cried out in pure terror.

"A villain having depth is not weakness!" Kylo's voice boomed daringly, getting his neighbours' attention again. "Nor is a villain who becomes a hero! After all, are we not all heroes in our own minds?"

The villains exchanged glances. Unanimously, they replied with a shrug, "Eh," and went back to doing their own thing.

Turbo cautiously asked Kylo, "Are you ok? I thought you guys were—what's the word? Woke?"

Kylo sighed. "My status as a villain is shaky. Until my final movie confirms my allegiance, both sides will ostracize me, and I must communicate with my heroic girlfriend through our Force Bond." He paused to lift his head for a few seconds, then drooped in disappointment. "She still won't respond." Kylo got up and went back to brood in his corner.

Gee, this guy has more issues than I do. But after hearing him talk, Turbo realized he was right. Feeling guilty over his villainous past reaffirmed his desire to be good, but agonizing over it was hindering his ability to move forward when bad things happened.

Let the past die. Choose happiness.

It was worth a shot. Turbo set his teacup down and stood up. "Well, thanks for letting me stay, but I better get going. I'm pretty sure I lost a bet."

"Remember, if you do whatever it takes," started Thanos, raising his Infinity glove with all the stones in place, "you will accomplish your mission in a snap!"

"NO!" the other villains screamed in panic, each of them restraining Thanos' hand before he could do the accompanying gesture.

Turbo just awkwardly backed out of the room.

On his way out of the site, he got an alert from a device he had made to keep track of his income across all the platforms he used. Turbo took it out of his pocket and read the results. Then he blinked in surprise and read it again.

With everything he earned combined, he had reached a total of $27,001, and the figure continued to slowly climb.

"I… did it?" he said in disbelief. Then a laugh bubbled up inside him and he jumped for joy. "I won! Turbo-tastic! Wow, it's amazing how much can be done in 8 hours." He smiled at the screen, then saw a notification for a new message, so he checked it.

It read, "Congratulations on reaching your goal. We'd really love to meet you."

Turbo furrowed his brows curiously. They hadn't left their names, only the URL for where to meet. Seeing as he only had 30 minutes left to buy the steering wheel on eBay, he figured there'd be no harm in checking it out afterward. Right now he had to brag to Ralph, so he pocketed his device and put Oh My Disney behind him.

In an area away from all the major activity, he saw Vanellope dancing by herself and singing about dollar stores or something. Finding it weird but not even wanting to know, Turbo shrugged in disinterest and walked away.

Wreck-it Ralph was waiting on the main floor of BuzzzTube when Turbo returned. "Where were you? I've been trying to call you on BuzzzFace."

"Oh, sorry. I forgot I left my app at my desk when I ditched this place," the racer told him.

Ralph put his hands on his hips. "Wait, you weren't allowed to leave. That wasn't part of the bet!"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Turbo pointed out cleverly, "My exact words were that I could get the money faster without making your kinds of videos. I never said anything about staying here."

"Yeah, well-uh-you-" Ralph stuttered as he searched for a rebuttal.

"By the way, did you ever get contacted by a copyright algorithm?"

"Nope."

"Yeah, that's his name."

"No, I mean, 'nope I didn't'," Ralph clarified.

He exclaimed, "What?! That's so unfair!"

"Maybe it's because I'm more popular than you."

"Oh really? Then what's this?" Turbo presented his total income. "Ta-da!"

"Huh. Congratulations, Turbo… is what I would say if you had actually won." Ralph smirked and held up his amount. "Check it out!"

Turbo gazed at the screen in disbelief. "36,000?! …Well, the only thing that matters is the time. I finished about five minutes ago. How about you?"

"Like… probably a few minutes before you did… maybe."

They both checked their devices. Without a timestamp, it was impossible to tell who got the amount first.

"Well… I still say I won!" said Turbo stubbornly.

"Well I say I won!"

"Well I—hey, wait a second." Turbo glanced at their screens and quickly calculated in his head. "I just realized we have a combined total of over $63,000!" He giggled semi-wickedly, "We can buy anything we want!"

"Nope!" Ralph swiped his tablet. "We're going to eBay to buy the one thing we need and then we're leaving the Internet for good." He called out, "Hey, eBoy!"

The blue messenger appeared. "What do you need, Ace?"

"Can you give us a ride?"

A vehicle materialized and eBoy jumped in. "Let's hop along, Cassidy!"

Turbo almost couldn't believe that they had finally succeeded. But there was the proof in Ralph's hands: a glowing box representing the purchased steering wheel that would bring his game back to life.

All they had to do now was wait for Vanellope to join them in front of the eBay entrance.

"I don't get it," Ralph said after a few minutes. "I called her as soon as I got the money and told her to meet us here."

"Try calling again. When I last saw her, she seemed pretty spaced out. Even for her."

"I hope she's not lost…" Ralph took out his BuzzzFace app and pushed a button. "Hey, kid! Where are…" His voice took on a dark tone. "What are you doing in that awful game with Shank?"

Turbo straightened. "Shank's there? What's she saying?" he asked quickly. "…I mean, not that I care." Still, he pushed Ralph's arm down so he could see the hologram projecting from the device.

It showed the backs of Vanellope and Shank as they appeared to be sitting together. They hadn't reacted to Ralph's greeting, so the app must've been muted on their end.

"Can I tell you something that I don't think I could ever tell Ralph?" Vanellope was saying.

Shank encouraged, "Of course."

"I know it sounds crazy, but the second I walked into this game, it felt… well, it felt like home. More than Sugar Rush ever did."

"Liar!" Turbo accused. "You were just as scared as us!"

Ralph hushed, "Shh! They can't hear us anyway."

Shank tilted her head. "Oh yeah? How so?"

"'Cause it's like my dream. It's full of weirdos, the racing is super dangerous, and… you never know what's gonna happen next. Back home, I know exactly what's gonna happen next because Ralph's dream is to do the same thing every day."

This was news to him, but then again Turbo didn't really hang out with Vanellope enough to know her. He glanced up at the wrecker for his reaction and saw his eyes cloud with pain.

"Here's something I wish I'd learned years ago," Shank told her. "There is no law saying best friends have to have the same dreams. You know?"

Vanellope seemed to perk up. "Yeah. You are a very wise person, Shank. And a good friend, too. Thank you."

"Around here, peeps like to say, 'Shank you'." The woman gave her a playful punch on the shoulder. "You know, after you go home and your life gets back to normal, you're always welcome here."

"But that's the thing. I want this to be my normal. I want this to be my life. I can't go home now. I just can't."

Ralph closed the app. "I can't believe it."

Turbo processed Vanellope's last words. "She wants to stay there?" he said slowly, panic starting to seep in.

"She's supposed to be my best friend… No, this can't be right." Ralph paced, as if searching for an explanation. He determined, "No, she's been brainwashed!"

"Noooo!" Turbo cried in distress.

The wrecker looked at him strangely. "Why are you upset? You don't even like her."

"Of course I don't!" Turbo snapped. Then he whined, "But she's the only one who knows the password to the Sugar Rush code vault!"

Ralph rolled his eyes but otherwise ignored him. "The Vanellope I know would never abandon me like that," he resolved. "This is all Shank's fault!"

Turbo crossed his arms and spat, "Oh, that Wonder Woman thinks she's so great. Always trying to show off her excellent racing skills and her dark, glossy locks."

"What?"

"What?"

Ralph shook his head. "Look, we just gotta get her out of there right now!"

"Right!" Turbo started to follow him, then stopped with an apologetic look. "Oh yeah. I just remembered… there's something I have to-"

"What do you 'have to' more than rescue my best friend?" Ralph questioned, turning around.

"It will only take a couple minutes," Turbo promised. "You go on ahead. I'll meet you at Slaughter Race." He took out his own app and tapped on the link in his message. A capsule formed around him and took him on his way.

As he left, he thought he heard the voice of Spamley talking to Ralph.

So I took a little bit of a copout with Turbo and Ralph's bet, but the funniest I could come up with was if they didn't know who won, so I went with that. It's not really important to the plot anyway.

Fun fact: Kylo Ren was originally supposed to have a cameo in the film, but Lucasfilm objected because it was going to be undignifying. So I tried to respect his character and still make it funny. And in case you're wondering where some of the other Disney villains are, I only included the ones I was familiar with or thought would make good jokes.

On an unrelated note, here's a bonus scene that I thought of when I first saw Vanellope singing for the Disney princesses. It will make sense if you've seen that one episode of Monk with Sarah Silverman.

"Huh. That's never happened to me before," Vanellope said, furrowing her brows quizzically. "I mean, not even once."

"Why don't you give it a try?" Rapunzel suggested. "What is it you really want? Sing about that."

Snow White nodded eagerly and the others watched Vanellope in expectation.

"Ok, sure. Um…" The racer tugged on her drawstrings in thought. It didn't take long before she widened her eyes and bounced excitedly. "Oh, oh, oh, something's coming to me! Quick, someone give me a guitar!"

Rapunzel swiftly reached behind her hair and handed her acoustic guitar to Vanellope.

Without even tuning it, she started to strum a series of chords and sang off key, "There's a man in California if you're ever in a funk. He may not be F. Murray Abraham but I think he's a hunk. And his name is… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadrian! Yeah, Aaaaaaaaaaaaadrian! Oh, I say, ee-Aaaaaaaa-"

"Ok, wow, thank you, Vanellope. I think we get it," interrupted Pocahontas as politely as possible, trying to calm her terrified raccoon.

Vanellope returned the guitar and asked, "So, what'd you think?"

Belle closed her book and tried to turn her wince into a smile. "Well, there's a lot to unpack here… So this Adrian guy, is he your prince?"

Vanellope stared off in confusion. "I dunno, I think he's just something my inner voice told me about…"

If you haven't seen the Monk episodes with Sarah Silverman, go watch them after you review. And then watch the rest of the show because it's awesome.