"That fucking asshole… Why the heck he had to-?!" You whimpered between the snorts and muffled cries. You sat on the back porch, hugging your knees tightly against your body. It had been ages since you had cried like this; All those suppressed, painful memories and feelings were all pouring out at once. Deep in your heart you had always known that you had to face your past one day, but you didn't want it to happen like this. "But how, then? Or when?" This was something you'd never be ready for, nor one moment would be better than the other. "This has been one damn exhausting week..!" Managing to put on a little smile, you took a deep breath and wiped your tear filled eyes. In all honesty, you felt somehow relieved― It was like a heavy weight had shifted from your chest, letting you finally breathe freely after all these years. "I guess it was about time… for me to stop running from my past, that is." Glancing over your shoulder at the old farmhouse, you couldn't help but to think how far you had come; Your wounds hadn't yet fully healed― and some of them maybe never would― but at least now you had allowed yourself to feel the pain they caused.
You were shaken from your thoughts when the backdoor opened. Levi left the door open behind him so the light from inside dimly illuminated the darkness of the night. Making sure not to even glance to his direction, you kept your gaze down as you waited for him to say something. For a good minute or two, he didn't say a word― As the awkward silence was starting to get on your nerves, you surreptitiously glared up at him; You felt that too familiar gush of warmth on your cheeks when you found out he had been staring at you the whole time he stood there.
"...What the hell you're staring at?" You muttered under your breath as you quickly turned your gaze down again. Confronting the suppressed memories could've been a good thing after all, but that didn't mean you approved his actions; The way he had boldly pursued a clearly sensitive subject had felt almost like a personal attack towards you. You doubt he meant it, but you were hurt nevertheless.
"Are you alright?" He asked with a quiet voice. Even though you had decided not to, you couldn't help but to glance up at him again; He was trying to keep up his calm and collected act, but something in his voice revealed the insecurity he tried to hide behind that mask.
"Is it just my imagination or does he seem kinda remorseful?" You frowned. "I don't know why it's so surprising… I guess even a guy like him has to take his head out from his ass once in a while..?" You opened your mouth to give him a 'well what do you think?' -type of an answer, but couldn't get a single word out when Levi already kneeled next to you, taking your hand in his. Not knowing what to think of this, you just stared at him dumbfounded for a second before you realized what he was doing.
"You're hurt." Carefully rolling your sleeve up, Levi revealed a bleeding wound on your palm― You had been so occupied with your thoughts that you didn't notice it or even felt the pain until now. "Looks like you managed to cut yourself with the glassware. Come on, let's go back inside and get it cleaned."
"Keep applying the pressure on it until the bleeding stops." Levi guided as he sat you on the living room couch. "I'll go get something to patch you up with."
"Levi… Why you're here?" You asked when he returned with the needed supplies. "For reals. You must have some reason… Or did you really came all the way here just to inquire more about my past?" He still hadn't given you an honest explanation― or rather any explanation at all― about his motives. It was a surprise he still stuck around, even after your outburst. "I think I was quite clear when I told him to fuck off." You raised your brow as you examined him, waiting for him to give you an answer. Levi sure took his sweet time, carefully placing the items on the coffee table one by one as if trying to buy time for himself to think.
"I can't deny it wasn't one of the reasons." He finally said, sitting down on the couch next to you.
"Wanna to tell me why?"
"Well…" Pausing for a moment again, Levi gestured you to hold out your hand for him. "I don't know if you remember it, but we've met before, in the past― Briefly, but still." After saying this he fell silent, unsure if to pursue the subject or not.
"In Shiganshina. Yeah, I can remember." You tried your best to put on a brave face, but the melancholy in your voice was more difficult to hide. "Can't forget even if I wanted, to be honest."
"You felt so oddly familiar, but I couldn't recall why." He spoke with a quiet, soft voice, not taking his eyes from the wound as he worked on suppressing the bleed. You, instead, couldn't take your eyes off from him; His coal black hair hung over his face as he carefully examined the injury, ever so gently holding your hand in his as he did this. That stuck up, self-satisfied version of him had stepped aside, letting you once again see that side of him that you adored so much; Under his cocky, even arrogant, shell was a gentle, caring man. "I guess my curiosity got the best of me― And I went a bit too far trying to figure out the truth."
"If that's your way of saying you're sorry, apology accepted." You gave him a slight smile. "But you know, you could've just asked- Holy hell!" You yelped, clenching your teeth in pain when Levi poured a splash of alcohol on the wound. "Did you really had to do that..?!"
"Disinfect it? Yes, I really had to." He gave you a mischievous look before turning his attention back on treating the wound. Hair on the back of your neck stood up when Levi reached out to grab a familiar looking wooden case from the table― You had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen next.
"My sewing tools..?! No way-!" You sprung up from the couch, but Levi grabbed onto your shoulder and popped you back onto your seat before you could do a thing. "Just slap a bandage on it! It surely doesn't need-"
"If we bandage it up as it is, I can guarantee the wound is gaping open tomorrow morning." Levi stated calmly, already preparing the needle and a thread. "You're not scared of a few stitches, are you?"
"Have you ever done this before? No, wait, don't answer to that! I don't want to know..!" Whimpering and squealing quietly, you buried your face to your other hand while Levi started the work. Trying to think something else than the needle repeatedly piercing your skin, you focused on keeping up the conversation instead. "So you finally remembered me, huh? I didn't think you would, to be honest." When Levi remained quiet, it looked like you'd need to take care of the talking. "You know… I used to hate you." You felt him stop what he was doing when you said those words, but you still kept your eyes covered, not looking at him as you kept talking― If you really wanted to get everything off from your chest, you had to do it like this; Looking him in the eye while pouring all those memories and feelings out wasn't an option. "I used to hate you for saving my life." Taking a deep breath, you weighed every word carefully. "After the colossal titan attack, my squad was evacuating civilians from Shiganshina. Wall Maria was breached as well- No, just listen; I want to tell you this." You quickly said when you sensed that Levi was about to interrupt you. "Long story short, I chose to disobey given orders and took off to my home village instead. By the time I got there, everyone were already-" You took a moment to prevent your voice from breaking. "They were all gone. Every single one of the villagers… and my family… ripped to pieces and eaten by those fucking monsters, one by one. I can't remember much after that; I think I… snapped? Or something." Letting out a short, tired laugh, you remained quiet for a moment. "I don't know how many titans I managed to kill before running out of gas and blades. Not enough, I bet..! The next thing I can remember is you." You braced yourself and finally glanced up at him; While you had been telling your story, Levi had already finished stitching you up and was now middle of wrapping a layer of bandage around your hand. When he raised his gaze as well, your eyes met for a brief moment before you turned your tear filled gaze back down to your lap. "And this damn house is a symbol of my failure..! I signed the papers the day before the attack. How ironic is that..?" You scoffed, wiping tears from the corners of your eyes as you continued. "I joined to the military police in order to guarantee us a future in the interior― All I worked for was about to become a reality, and then it was all taken away, just like that… because I couldn't save them. If I just had chosen differently― If I had chosen to go there when the wall was breached, if I had been there for them, maybe they would still be alive?"
"You're so torn about it because you made a wrong call?" Levi asked calmly after a moment of silence. "You didn't. When you're out there, on a battlefield, there are no 'right' or 'wrong' decisions… so all you can do is pick the one you'll regret the least. Yes, you couldn't save them― As harsh as it sounds, sometimes… no matter what you do, no matter how hard you fight... sometimes people die. Believe me, I know."
"But I… If I'd just-" Your heart skipped a beat when you felt his hand lightly brush against your chin― Gently wiping off the single tear that had rolled down your cheek, Levi gave you a meaningful look before speaking again.
"There's always a million 'if's. Every time. I've saved a hundred people while thousand died― How I cope with it?" Pausing for a second, he stood up to collect the first aid tools from the table. "By believing that those hundred lives make it count."
"Make it count..?" You repeated his words under your breath when Levi went to take the supplies back to their places. For a moment, you sat there alone, puzzled by his words.