Chapter 2: How to Survive Zelretch
Tips on How to Survive Zelretch
It has become common knowledge that anyone who become Zelretch's apprentice would ended up with broken psyche and only a breath away from thrown into loony bin. Every Magus would held their breath in fear whenever Zelretch said "I'm bored" and/or choose an apprentice. They both feared Zelretch would break the bright and talented Magus, but they feared what Zelretch would come up with when bored.
Here, is some tips on how to survive Zelretch (and document why disobey it is a BAD idea).
#1 Never tell Zelretch your plan (He will find a way to wreck it a la Titanic)
(The one time Naomi, who is still nine years old and newbie in Clock Tower politics, tell Zelretch she's planned to go into festival at town next to her hometown, Zelretch joined her.
Results? Chaos and Anarchy. Urband legend about cackling youkai who trived in chaos become viral. And the festival is canceled and banned to ever held again.)
Attached Note (AN): How am I suppose to know this would happens? I'm a newbie back then!—N.H.
#2 Keep your project far FAR AWAY from Zelretch and boobytrapped it
(Last time someone leave unfinished project unguarded within Zelretch's range, the Dead Apostle tinkered with it before got away when the owner return, completely clueless that Zelretch had done something to the project.
Resulting in the item transformed into something out of Sci-Fi movie and start wrecking havoc while pursuing and flirting any female magus it come across)
AN: Magus, keep your project n your workshop and make sure the security system active.—W.V. (L.E.M. V2)
#3 Never offer Zelretch a potent alcohol (Vodka or others)
(Someone had the brightest idea bringing Zelretch to Octoberfest in Germany and sign him up for "Who Can Drink the Most?" contest in attempt to make him mellowed out. It failed and Lady Lorelei is not happy at the result)
AN: Seriously. The Public Worskhop #76 #77 and #133 South East of Mineralogy Faculty are still under repairs—L.B.
#4 Never had any Anime/Manga/Cartoon/Comic Discussion while Zelretch is around
(The Kaleidostick are banned from any female changing locker, female bathroom, female dorm, and every single institute after Kaleidostick Ruby targeted heir of Sihoueze. For further reverence, read Kaleidostick Incident. Warning: Read at your own risk)
AN:
Can someone tell me who introduce him to that blasted genre? I want words with them—L.B.
Okay, who introduce him to SAO? HE'S BEEN CACKLING FOR HOURS NON STOP!—W.V.(L.E.M.V2)
Someone, please stop! Sensei didn't need more ammunition!—N.H.
#4 Addendum I: Never Show any interest in Magical Girl genre, ever.
(No. Just... No)
#4 Addendum II: ...or mecha
(He will leave copy to Eulyphis Department and made whoever find it scoffed at it... before trying to either replicate or outdone whatever it had.)
I love war games but I don't want to see real-life mecha in Clock Tower or wherever else! I'm serious. Your attempt to bribe me with human-sized replica of gundam Aries is not funny.—W.V. (L.E.M.V2)
#4 Addendum III: ...for loves of all things in the world, NEVER TAKE HIM TO ANY ANIMANGA CONVENTION!
(Just DON'T! The Gate of Hell stay where it was! No need to bring it to the world!)
#5 Never ask him to drop you in alternate world
(Last time someone asked that, she return acting like bimbo and instead research to reach Akasha, she create pervert tentacle plant. The whole Botany Faculty have to burn the entire thing down, destroy the lab and all notes, and kill the crazy woman just to spare the rest from fate worse than death)
AN: Seriously. He's a Troll. I thought you guys know better!—N.H.
#6 Never Deny him from his Weekly Intake of blood
(Troll or not, there's line to never crossed. Zelretch is not amused when he's been denied from his much needed meal and will make his displeasure known. In spades. It's as worse as him in total boredom mode.)
#7 Never brought him to Dead Apostle Hunt and pretend to "mistaken" him as target
(He is not amused and will give payback)
Seriously. If Lorelei and her family who hates Dead Apostle can't do a damn on him, what made you think those Burial Agency members and Enforcers can? He's the one who defeated Brunestud the Crimson Moon AKA Progenitor of all Dead Apostle, for Akasha's sake!—W.V. (L.E.M.V2)
#8 Never bringing any song that never ends
(He will either sing/humming it for days non stop or make a Mystic Code which play it without end, bringing 'Never Ends' part to brand new height.)
I still haven't got that damn song out from my brain—W.V. (L.E.M.V2)
Who created that damn song?!—R.B.
Someone, anyone, do us all a favor and destroy that damn device!—R.E.T.
#9 Never brought Twilight Topic within his earshot
(There's some evil atrocities that should never done. No one cares if you are secretely Twilight Fan but never bring it to Clock Tower. Zelretch will know and will get the copy. Figure out what he will do later by yourself)
-We are dead serious here. Bring that thing at your own risk. No one will cover your ass if Zelretch decide to use you as his latest test subject.—L.B.
Just to be sure, I'll placed Familiars on entrance and student dorm and will detroy every single copy. Both books and movie.—E.N.d.S.R
#10 Don't you dare to mess with his labs (Who knows what he stored here)
(Someone apparently get offended and tried to break in into one of Zelretch's lab in attempt to copy one of his project and mocked him. It wasn't even Zelretch who make the man pay. The break-ins resulted in he accidentally release both Kaleidostick which is stored within a chest, lead to Kaleidostick Incident. The Sihoueze make sure that man pay in spades before kill him.)
You know that personal lab and workshop is scared. If you dare to break in, you paid for whatever sheaningans come out from it. And I will help people lynch you alive—L.B.
#11 Learn how to prank and make jokes
(This one is the main reason why Zelretch broke his students. They are no fun. He hates boring people.
One time Naomi return from whatever world Zelretch sends her to, and the first thing she done after return is to buy several ingredients and proceeds to make a pitch black thing on pot. One which smell made even Zelretch gagged and flee. And she ate it. Turns out the thing is special curry which is delicious, despite the smell said otherwise. Zelretch is actually impressed and stopped pranking her for a week—partly because she ate it everyday.)
...Okay. I have to ask, what did you ate?—K.Z.S.
Jet Black Curry Laksa. Made from Kusaya fish. A salted-dried and fermented fish. VERY pungent. Just grilled it can make a stench that made entire village lynch you. Specially made as payback for THAT incident, sensei.—N.H.
TBC
Yes. Shokugeki no Soma reference in the end. That's where Zelretch sent Naomi to.