Lying by Omission
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
The air hums with tension as Harvey stands in front of Donna, phone loose in his grasp with haunted eyes open to the hurt barreling through him. He trusted her. She's the one person he's always been able to count on, the certainty that's gotten him through, and panic seeps in graying his vision. She lied to him -betrayed him- and his hand shakes unsteadily, feet clambering a step back.
"Harvey," she swallows his name, her gaze burning with moisture as the remnants of the call silently echo around the lobby to his- their apartment. She thought they'd have more time but the hospital was adamant, his mother doesn't have long and on hearing the news regret illuminated the truth she's been concealing; that she knew about the diagnosis and has been harboring the secret.
"How long?" He snaps the question, anger coiling around his vulnerability as she struggles to find an answer. Fuck that. It's an easy question and the only thing stopping her is guilt, something he doesn't give a damn about. "Donna, how long!"
She jumps at the aggression, knowing he would never act on it but it still breaks something inside her. "Since Christmas."
His hand balls into a fist at his side, the other shoving the phone into his pocket and flexing to shake the rush adrenaline. For four months she's known his mother was dying. Four months she's been waking up every goddamn morning beside him, lying, and he can't conceive how twenty minutes ago he had everything and now it's slipping away faster than he can hold on. "You knew all that time-" his voice is steely, cold as the door behind him swings open, "and you didn't say anything, not one word."
Regret hitches in her throat but she waits for the entering couple to pass before releasing it. She'd made the call based on what Lily had wanted. Harvey's mother had begged that she be allowed to keep her sons sheltered from the grief for as long as possible and while she didn't agree with the decision, she understood it came from the urge to protect and so she'd lied... by omission but never with the intention of betraying him. "I'm so sorry Harvey."
The apology means nothing, as if empty words falling into the expanse will somehow change what's happening. Nothing can fix it- the realization splintering through his body like it's made of weak glass; what if they can't come back from this?
"After everything we've been through... how?" His voice cracks wavering under the strain, "how could you keep this from me?"
She wants to recoil from the hurt knowing it will play in her head years from now, the guilt attacking at her most vulnerable moments... but she needs to be strong and wear the consequences.
He needs that and she folds her arms across her chest digging her nails in with a shaky breath.
Everybody else had been too caught up in the festives to notice the signs; a slight tremor, a flicker of nausea, Lily's insistence they stay up a little later just to watch the fire die down. She'd put it together in a matter of days but no amount of pleading had been able to change the women's mind. "It wan't my place to-"
"Bullshit!" His anger rears above his grief, the feeling easier to latch onto than anything else. He can't blame his mother- though part of him wants to- but he can't let his last days with her be suffocated by resentment. Donna chose not to tell him. She robbed him of those last few conversations, the things he might never get to say, and he tears his hand up palming the sting blurring his vision.
He can't do this now and worse; he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to.
"I have to go."
The finality rattles through her and she grasps at the faintest hope she can still comfort him, that he won't pull away because of her actions. All she wants to do, all she's ever wanted, is to protect him and she risks inching a step closer. "Lily loves you Harvey." She tests the words watching his features harden, knowing there's every chance he's going to lash out but still needing to try. "She wanted her last months to be filled with happy memories, not hashing up the past. You gave her everything she needed."
He shakes his head feeling the manipulation drive through and he can see it so clearly now; how she'd urged him to call more, the gentle reminders and well placed encouragement. It adds to the stab of betrayal wrenching through him because she doesn't get to be right about every goddamn thing. "Don't you dare stand there and expect me to fucking thank you."
She flinches as if he physically struck her- a sob building in her throat at the coldness replacing his anguish. They've fought before. Had plenty of heated exchanges over the years but never like this and she can't hide the tremor as she finds her voice, "let's call a cab... we can-"
"No," he throws his hands up to stop her, hating himself for it but needing to hurt her, "I don't want you anywhere near my family right now."
Fair doesn't hold a place in his thoughts, his feet hitting the carpet of the lobby and carrying him away from her. He doesn't look back, can't, because if he did her tears would unearth his guilt and the instinct to run comes hard and fast like it's been secretly hiding in the dark building momentum for the past year.
All he wants to do is escape it but there's nowhere to go.
The hospital is worse, the suffocating fear harder to navigate and there's no comfort from the doctors saying Lily isn't in any pain. They can take their time making a decision, the news settling in waves as he, Marcus and Bobby take turns sitting with her.
He subconsciously reaches for Donna more than once, her absence a growing ache in his chest at war with his anger. It isn't right that she isn't here and maybe after all these years he has changed because the need to run slowly starts to ground itself as the hours roll on. The later it gets the louder his mother's voice grows in his head; reminding him that if it weren't for Donna there's every chance he wouldn't even be here right now. It's not that simple and he whispers the reasoning into the still room but the silence feels like she's berating him for being a stubborn ass. He makes a promise to try and fix it, to bring Donna back with him in the coming days- and he swears a ghostly smile graces her pale lips. It's more likely that he's just exhausted, imagining things, and when he finds Bobby and Marcus they decide to take the next few days in turns so she isn't alone while people come to pay their respects. There's her best friend in Georgia, a sister in Minnesota, students from her art class who will all want to be here. She'd kept the illness a secret from everyone, her husband excluded, and he doesn't know what to do with the small flare of gratitude- that she had Donna to talk to.
It rests in the back of his mind on the cab ride home, tangling with a mix of fatigue, frustration, guilt and anger. He doesn't know how to handle any of it. Usually he'd rely on Donna to guide him through but when he finally lands inside the condo, meeting an overnight bag by the door, panic and shock overrides everything else. She appears a second later, fully dressed and although he isn't sure what time it is reason says she isn't just ducking out somewhere.
"How's Lily?" Donna breaks the silence first, no malice or tension lining her voice, just concern, and she stalls giving him a wide birth. His words had hurt but given the circumstances she isn't about to hold them against him.
He shakes his head confirming what they both knew would be the likely outcome, Donna more so than himself and resentment swells but falls back beneath a confused expression. "Where are you going?"
"A hotel." She's hesitant, suddenly unsure of herself which is rare but time was the easiest thing to give him. The only thing she could think of that might help. "I thought you might need space."
His features draw back to being impassive, locking around the anxiety twisting his insides. He's still angry and hurt but he's let her walk out of his life because of pride before and he's always regretted it. This is about more than his ego and he bites the inside of his cheek blowing out roughly, "wait here."
She does, watching his eyes dance around her as his feet kick forward and she's never been more scared as he passes by heading toward the bedroom. She doesn't know if he's gathering more of her things but mentally prepares herself for the possibility, confused when he emerges a few minutes later empty handed- or at least that's what she assumes until he get's closer and spots the small object he's concealing. "What are you-"
"Marry me." He thumbs the ring box giving no further explanation. He doesn't know what else to say or how to explain it. Part of him has already forgiven her and the other half wants to, just doesn't know how. What he does know is that he's going to love her for the rest of his life no matter how angry, hurt or pissed off he is.
It's an overwhelming gesture given the circumstances and she shakes her head slightly, glancing up to search his expression for answers and although she can see he's being genuine she can also read the fear resting behind the incentive. "Harvey..." she swallows, still holding his gaze, "you're not going to lose me."
The words are soft, honest, and he closes his eyes briefly knowing she can see straight through every thought. It doesn't matter what she's promising he can't let her go and breathes out a heavy sigh darting his attention between her feet and the door. "That bag says otherwise."
Regret pools in her chest and she drops her arms so he can see she's just as vulnerable as he is right now. "When have I ever not come back to you?" She holds still waiting for an answer, watching his hand pocket the ring and she's grateful. She'd love nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with him but accepting like this would just be wrong and she can see the same turmoil etched in his expression.
"She wanted happy memories-" he stumbles over the admission, his grief rising above everything else, "was she... happy?"
His voice breaks and despite her anguish she smiles gently, her own eyes watering as she reveals the honest truth, "knowing you and Marcus would be okay... that's all she wanted."
He nods, taking a moment to register it all and she gives into the urge to step forward- surprised by the force of his movement to embrace her. She returns it without hesitation, threading her fingers through his hair and holding him tightly as he shudders against her.
She isn't going anywhere, not now and not ever.
And doesn't need the ring in his pocket to know that.