Lachlan

I couldn't say much for the rest of the meeting. I was trembling a little. You know when you admit something for the first time? You know, that throw up feeling in the pit of your stomach? It won't go away.

I looked over at Paige and mouthed 'bathroom' to her. She nodded and tilted her head to the right, indicating it was that way. I got up and did everything I could not to sprint out of there.

The halls were still dark and everything started blending in together. I leaned back against the wall and sank down to the floor.

I want to go home. I shouldn't be here.

I pulled my phone out and checked the time. It had only been about half an hour since the meeting started.

Just another 30 minutes to go, Lachlan. You can do this.

I got up and hurried down to the bathroom. I just needed to put some water on my face. I needed to revitalize. "Shit!" The water was a lot colder than I had anticipated. I patted my face dry and looked at myself in the mirror, the desire to cut growing deeper and deeper as I analyzed the reasons behind my sunken eyes and paler than normal complexion. The cutting would help, I'm sure it would. I pulled out the razor from my phone case and put it against the skin on my right arm. The cold feel of the metal and the warmth of the familiar pain soothed me for the moment. I quickly cleaned up the small mess I had made and made my way back to the circle, hoping I hadn't been gone too long.

"Lachlan," I heard Paige's voice as I returned to my seat. I looked up quickly, a little hesitant about what she would say. I panicked she may have known what I had just done. "If you don't mind me asking, what brings you all this way? Australia is quite a ways away."

"Just needed a change of scenery," I replied shortly. She looked at me expectantly, hoping I would say more, but instead just gave me a smile and asked something to Marcy or Mary, I couldn't quite remember her name.

I zoned out again until I heard Paige announce the ending of the meeting. "Lachlan, Kali, would you mind staying back a couple of minutes?" I looked at Kali and watched her mindlessly nod as she collected her belongings and helped the others clean up. Paige motioned for me to follow her to the back of the room. I got up and quickly jogged to meet her. "So, how are you feeling after your first meeting?"

"Um, it was good, I guess. I'm not really good at this whole talking about my personal life thing, but I'm hoping it'll get better over time. It took me some time to open up at my last group, though."

"That's great to hear. I think it showed a tremendous amount of strength to admit that you self-harm. That takes a lot of courage." I stared at her and just nodded in agreement, beginning to get the tingly feeling again already. "Well, I just wanted to touch base with you again. I know in our email correspondence you said Wednesday night group meetings would be best and Monday at noon would be work for your private therapy, correct?" I nodded. "Great! I wanted to just ask one more thing. We typically pair up one of our older group members with our newer group members, kind of like a mentorship for some additional peer to peer guidance. We've seen great results from this and based on our discussions, I think this would be a great opportunity for you, especially getting acquainted to the area."

"Yea, no, see I'm not really looking for a supervisor right now." I stuck my hands deep in my pockets, fiddling with the flap of my phone case that concealed one of my razor blades. I was ready to leave.

"Are you sure? Why don't you just try it out and if you really don't think it works for you, we'll discuss it further on Monday and find another supplemental resource that could benefit you. It's completely up to you how little or how frequently you communicate with your mentor, but I don't want to pressure you."

"Fine," I reluctantly said. "What harm could it do?"

Paige smiled at me and motioned for someone behind me to join us. "Lachlan, this is Kali." She came into my line of sight and extended her hand. I accepted it and gave it a quick shake. Her hand seemed so small in mine. It was so warm; and a little sweaty, or wait, was that my hand? I pulled away quickly before she could notice and slid my hand back in my pocket. "She's been here for 3 years now and she is definitely one of the members I've seen the most growth out of in all my years. Kali here is going to be your mentor, a peer resource that you'll be able to utilize."

I looked back at Kali as Paige continued to talk and saw her staring at me. I caught her gaze and we just looked at each other for a second. She was quite pretty. She had these deep, brown, almond shaped eyes and the fullest, red lips that had me lingering for a second too long. She had the lightest splash of freckles on her noticeably blushing cheeks. Oh, no, was I making her uncomfortable?

I tuned back in just as Paige said her farewells to us. I gave an acknowledging nod and then realized that the room was now empty except for Kali and I. "We should get going," she said, as she started to walk to the door. I quickly followed close behind. "So where did you park?" She asked pointing at either direction of the hall.

"Uh, I didn't. I actually Uber'd. I'm not getting one until Saturday." I watched her as she bit her cheek and pursed her lips, clearly contemplating something. I pulled out my phone and started to open the app.

She reached her hand out to block my phone and gently grazed my hand. "Uh," she pulled it back and crossed her arms across her chest. "I mean, I could take you home. I don't have anything else to do for the night, so I don't mind."

She bit her bottom lip in anticipation of my answer. I feel like I'm making her nervous, and it's probably because I look so sketchy. I pulled down my hood, exposing my face, and nodded. "I mean, if you don't mind, that'd be great."

She stared at me for a second and then started nodding. "Yea, great! Ok, I'm this way." We walked besides each other down the hall towards the back entrance. She made her way to an old, 2006 white Corolla and threw her purse on the hood. She started searching through her bags, for her keys I'm assuming. "So, where do you live?"

I blanked for a second. I really didn't want to go back to that empty apartment. "Actually, I was thinking, um, I haven't eaten since my flight and I'm starving. Would you mind grabbing a bite to eat with me? It'll be my treat. Repayment for the ride home, of course. Plus, I could probably use the company."

"Yea, dope, hop on in." She said as she slid in her seat and opened the door for me. I grabbed the handle and sat down. I slid the seat all the way back, giving myself some leg room and buckled up. "In the mood for anything specific?"

"A burger sounds great right about now."

"Ah!" She threw her hands up in the air, indicating me to stop talking. "Say no more. I'll take you to my favorite spot." She quickly peeled out of the parking lot and we were off.

We drove in silence for a minute or two until she started humming to herself. "What song is that? It sounds really familiar." She looked at me, confusion clear on her face. "You, uh, you were humming."

Her face went red. "Oh. Oh god! I didn't even notice. It's one of my favorite songs. The 500 Miles song they used the cover for in Grey's Anatomy. It's a good song."

I stared at her blankly. "I'm not much of a Grey's fan, actually."

"Oh no, same. I've never watched it either. My sister showed me the song and I just became obsessed. It's like the kind of love you look for but can't really find, you know?" She said, her eyes never leaving the road.

"Sounds lovely. I'll have to give it a listen, I guess."

"Yea, for sure." She stayed quiet for a minute. "Maybe I can play it for you later. The song I mean."

I smiled at her. "I would like that a lot. Thanks."

She looked at me and gave me a smile. There's something special about her and I really want to know more.

Ok Lachlan, turn on the charm. Use your voice, speak to her for Christ's sake!

"We're here," Kali said as she pulled into a pretty empty parking lot, breaking me away from my thoughts. "It's kind of a low key place, but don't let the empty lot fool you, the food is bomb!" She hurried out of the car and signaled for me to follow her in. I laughed and obliged.

We sat in a back table and listened to the mellow Indie music playing in the restaurant. The server brought out a barbeque bacon burger for me and an egg and cheese burger for Kali. Without a second thought, we both stuffed our faces.

"So what's your deal?" She asked me, cleaning off some ketchup that got stuck in the corner of her mouth. I nearly choked because of how blunt she was. "Like not your deal, just, tell me about yourself."

I thought about what to say while I wiped my mouth. "Uh, well, " I cleared my throat, "so, I literally moved here today from halfway across the world all by myself. Um, you're the first person I've had a one on one conversation with aside from my therapist since I've been here, and uh, I like long, romantic walks on the beach." She laughed, giving me a playful shove. "Well what do you want to know. I'm bad at this."

"What's your favorite color? What's your favorite season? How do you feel about-"

I cut her off with a loud laugh. "Slow down, one at a time! How about this: we take turns asking questions and we both answer, yea?"

She had a sly smile on her lips and nodded. "You first."

I took a bite out of my burger and thought long and hard about the most telling question I could think of. "Pokemon Go. Which team?" I gave her the best glare I could muster up.

She rolled her eyes and threw her head in her hands. "I'm Mystic, ok? I'm like the only Mystic I know. All of my friends went Valor."

"Weak, I'm Instinct."

"Yea, you're gonna be way outnumbered here." She took another big bite out of her burger and then flailed her hands, realization clear on her face. She chewed quickly and took an almost painful looking gulp. "Wait, it's your first day here, right? Well, I was supposed to go to Downtown Disney this weekend but my friends flaked. Would you want to go? It's supposed to be THE spot in this area for Pokemon."

"That'd be great, actually. I'd never visited on my prior stays here." She was being really kind. Something fluttered in the pit of my stomach. Are those butterflies?

"Yay! So on Saturday it's a date!" She smiled such a genuine smile. The butterflies fluttered again. A date? " So," she said without missing a beat, "what's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?"

"Coming here." I gave her a very matter of fact look and chuckled. "But realistically, I try not to be very spontaneous. I'm not good with surprises."

"Oh, is that right?" She gave me this mischievous look. "Hurry up and finish. I just remembered I did have something to do tonight. And you're coming."

Kali

I wasn't able to participate in this meeting like I usually do. I was completely distracted by this stranger sitting next to me who I found out isn't quite a stranger at all. He was Lachlan, the man I watched through the screen of my phone when I needed a pick me up on a bad day; the voice I listened to to soothe me to sleep; the face I imagined when I considered what happiness probably looked like on a person. He was sitting next to me and had just admitted something that I would have never suspected, and in that moment, I felt a mix intense sadness and guiltful pang of joy. On one hand, it made me almost feel better, almost like I wasn't so damaged because someone who was so successful at such a young age ended up in the same room as me for some of the same reasons, though I have not learned much about his exact experience with it. It was his first meeting, so unsurprisingly so he was quiet and reserved. The sadness welled up in me once more. I couldn't wrap my head around how I hadn't noticed something was wrong with him when I watched him so consistently. He never struck me as sad, or even upset.

I should have been able to see it. I should have spotted it.

Just when I felt like I was able to focus again, I saw him leave from my side and walk towards the door. I watched him leave, hands clenched in tight fists and just a little too much tension in his body. I had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and quickly told Paige that I was going to go to the bathroom as well. I got up from my seat and quietly open the door, making sure to make as little noise and movement as possible. Down the hall a saw a dark figure slumped against the wall, his head in his hands. It was a pitiful sight, but something I can admit I've done as well. I started to slowly walk towards him, not wanting to disturb him, but he ended up getting up and walking into the bathroom. I decided to give it a minute before heading back inside to the meeting. I sat down again, legs held close to my body and no more than a minute later, Lachlan entered the room.

He sat down and seemed a little less fidgety. "Lachlan, if you don't mind me asking, what bring you all this way? Australia is quite a ways away?" Paige asked, genuine curiosity laced in her voice.

He shrugged. "Just needed a change of scenery."

Paige waited for another moment and soon realized she wouldn't be getting anything else in that moment. "Marley, you mentioned that you've recently been promoted at your job. How do you feel this will affect your progress?"

Marley smiled and excitement radiated from her. "I think it's a really good change! I know it's going to be stressful, but I'm just really excited to have this opportunity. You all know I love working with children, and it's just amazing to me that they thought of me to be the after school program coordinator. This will be such a positive distraction for me, and it just means so much to me. They really see all that I do for the program, and they gave me the recognition I realize I deserve."

"That's really great, Marley! I'm so glad you were able to achieve the goals you've set for yourself! It's pretty inspiring honestly. You've truly influenced me in more ways than you know," I said to her, genuine appreciation apparent in my voice. Marley had been such a great mentor to me and she has been so pivotal in my growth, especially when I finally was able to stop cutting. She makes me proud to be her mentee.

Oh crap. The mentor initiative. I'm next.

I can't believe I forgot that it's my turn to be a mentor and I don't know why it didn't register when Paige told me their was a new person coming in today. It would be my luck that my mentee just so happens to be one of the most important people in my life, who just happens to be a complete stranger turned support group member. My head started spinning. I zoned out and couldn't focus to the stories everyone was sharing.

Fifteen minutes flew by without me noticing. "Well, that's all the time we have today. Thank you all so much for being so open and welcoming." Paige smile at everyone in the group, her pride clear. "Lachlan, Kali,would you mind staying back a couple of minutes?" I kept my head down and nodded as a packed my bag, hoping the blush on my face wasn't visible to the beautiful stranger next to me.

I saw Lachlan jog to the back of the room and quickly walked to the refreshments table to be met by Janelle, a flirty grin on her face. I already knew what she was thinking. "Have you checked out the new guy?" She eyed him down, playing with her full curls hoping he would gaze her way.

"Uh, no, I haven't gotten a chance to really see," I said casually, trying to play off the anxious feeling pulsing through my body. "But I'm gonna be his mentor so I guess I'll be seeing him soon enough." I began throwing away the crumbles of cookies left behind and the half empty drinks.

"Girl, if you're lucky, you'll be seeing a lot of him," Jake said creeping up behind me. "I wish I could be seeing a lot of him if you know what I mean." Jake was very open about his sexuality and tends to come off quite strong, but it's also one of my favorite things about him. Jake was definitely the most confident person I've ever met. I honestly envied him for that.

"Guys, come on, you know it won't be like that. You know the unspoken rules of the group," I said biting my lip. The rules were great for multiple reasons, mainly because we get so personal that it makes it easier to not complicate things with relationships. I'm also so prone to emotional instability when it comes to relationships that I need these rules in place.

Janelle gave me a knowing smile. "We all know those rules have been broken and we've all seen how good the results can be." She motioned towards Sam, a huge engagement ring present on her finger. She had met someone in the group and they ended up falling in love. He no longer is part of the group, but I still see him around every now and then. "Sometimes the risk is worth the reward."

"Yea, and we all know how bad it can end to, don't we?" I said sharply. Jake and Janelle looked at each other and looked down. We all know the instance I was referring to. Just as we finished up with the clean up, Paige motioned me to meet her and Lachlan in the back. The nerves hit me and I could feel myself begin to sweat.

"Lachlan, this is Kali." Paige formally introduced us just as I appeared before him. I extended my hand and gave him a quick handshake. His hand was so big and so cold. I hoped didn't notice how sweaty I was. Paige spoke about the program for a moment, but I just couldn't focus. I couldn't help but stare at the man in front of me. He looked so different in person. He's much taller, much paler than I imagined. I think he felt me staring because for a brief moment, I caught his bright blue eyes. Something about them made them seem a little dimmer than I remembered them being in his videos. I studied the features of this thin face down to his chin and found myself caught on his lips. They seems so soft, if only I could touch them for just a second. I felt a bright blush creep on my face when I realized he was looking intently on my lips as well and looked away quickly, focusing my attention back on Paige. "Well, I think that's everything. It was great seeing you both. See you same time next week," she said with a smile and made her way towards the front of the room and out the door.

It was just Lachlan and I now. "We should get going," I said, making my way towards the door. I heard footsteps following closely behind me. We stood in the same dark hallway we were both in just a half hour ago. I remembered him slumped against the wall, but shook the imagine out of my head for the moment. "So where did you park?" I pointed in the directions of the two exits.

He was looking down at the ground. "Uh, I didn't." He looked back at me with his beautiful blue eyes. They seemed to shine in the dark hall. "I actually Uber'd. I'm not getting one until Saturday." I watched him pull out his phone and tap around on the screen.

I don't know what got into me but before I realized what I was doing, I put my hand out to block his phone and accidentally touched his hand. My heart skipped a beat. "Uh," I crossed my arms over my chest, embarrassed by the slight contact and I'm hoping the not so apparent blush on my face. "I mean, I could take you home. I don't have anything else to do for the night, so I don't mind."

He was silent for a moment, and then reached up and pulled down his hood, exposing his blond hair casually swiped back in the way that makes me melt. I could clearly see his face now, and if I was in doubt that it was him before, I was 100% certain now. It was Lachlan. The Lachlan. He nodded and smiled his toothy smile. "I mean, if you don't mind, that'd be great."

I stood there in the shock of him fully confirming his identity to me, taking in all the little details of his face that I couldn't see through the screen of my computer. I wanted to scream and hug him, but I know I had to remain calm and collected. I nodded more aggressively than I intended. "Yea, great! Ok, I'm this way." We walked out of the building together and walked over to my car. I searched for my keys in the massive mess that was my bag. "So, where do you live?"

"Actually, I was thinking, um, I haven't eaten since my flight and I'm starving," he said, adorably playing with the strings of his hoodie. "Would you mind grabbing a bite to eat with me? It'll be my treat. Repayment for the ride home, of course. Plus, I could probably use the company."

I screamed internally. This is something I had always dreamed of. I didn't want to freak him out, so I made a very conscious effort to act as natural as possible. "Yea, dope, hop on in," I said sliding into my seat and opening the door for the golden haired angel. He adjusted the seat to accommodate his long legs and buckled up. "In the mood for anything specific?"

"A burger sounds great right about now."

"Ah!" I screamed throwing my hands in the air. "Say no more. I'll take you to my favorite spot." I pulled out of the parking lot and immediately was hit with the realization that I had to make a very important decision. Most burger places get pretty packed at this time of night, especially the really good ones. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable and bring him to a highly populated area, running the risk of recognition. I quickly decided to take him to more of a hole in the wall burger joint, making interaction with others minimal.

"What song is that? It sounds really familiar," he asked in a hushed tone. His face looked soft in the dim lights of the lamp posts outside. I gave him a look of confusion. "You, uh, you were humming."

I felt the blood rush to my face. I could only imagine how red I looked. "Oh. Oh god! I didn't even notice. It's one of my favorite songs. The 500 Miles song they used the cover for in Grey's Anatomy. It's a good song."

"I'm not much of a Grey's fan, actually."

I shook my head probably a little too aggressively, keeping my eyes on the road. "Oh no, same. I've never watched it either. My sister showed me the song and I just became obsessed. It's like the kind of love you look for but can't really find, you know?" I decided to keep the part about wanting it to be my future wedding song to myself.

"Sounds lovely," he said in a silky voice, " I'll have to give it a listen, I guess."

"Yea, for sure." I could feel the butterflies flying around in my stomach, urging me to say something more. "Maybe I can play it for you later. The song I mean."

He gave me such a happy looking smile. "I would like that a lot. Thanks."

His smile sent tingles down my spine. The things I would do to make sure he always has that smile on his face. It was weird getting a glimpse of the real him, not just the one he allows everyone to see. I've already gotten a glimpse into the his world of vulnerability, and it's still something I'm not fully comfortable with. He was my hope for happiness, and him being here with me right now almost proves that it doesn't exist. I was ripped from my thoughts when I realized we were pulling into the parking lot of the burger joint. "We're here. It's kind of a low key place, but don't let the empty lot fool you, the food is bomb!" I got out of the car and motioned for him to follow me. He laughed and followed close behind me.

I brought us to a table in the back of the restaurant, nervous that I was making things a little more intimate than I had intended. Lachlan was looking around taking in the scene. There were probably five or six other guests in the restaurant besides us and the staff and everyone seemed to be in their own worlds. I watched him carefully as the food came to our table. We both picked up out juicy burgers and began to eat.

We ate in silence for a moment, but my curiosity was getting the better of me. "So what's your deal?" I asked, breaking the silence. Lachlan choked on his burger, my question taking him by surprise. I passed him some water and continued to probe just a little. "Like not your deal, just, tell me about yourself."

He wiped his face, clearly a little uncomfortable. "Uh, well, so I literally moved her today from halfway across the world all by myself. Um, you're the first person I've had a one on one conversation with aside from my therapist since I've been here," my heart skipped a beat. I was his first connection in Orlando. I was Lachlan's first acquaintance. "And uh, I like long, romantic walks on the beach." I laughed and gave him a playful shove then cursed myself for doing so. What was I doing? He playfully rubbed his arm and laughed along with me. "Well what do you want to know. I'm bad at this."

I wanted to fuck with him, overwhelm him a little for taking my original question so lightly. "What's your favorite color? What's your favorite season? How do you feel about-"

He laughed so loud and waved his hands in surrender. "Slow down, one at a time. How about this: we take turns asking questions and we both answer, yea?"

Getting to know each other Twenty One questions style. I was down. I gave him a competitive nod. "You first."

He looked like he was thinking hard about something. He furrowed his brow as he took a big bite out of his burger. He looked like he was hit with realization and looked me dead in the eye, his blue eyes looking more intense than ever. "Pokemon Go. Which team?"

I rolled my eyes and threw my hands up in the air. I already knew he was Instinct since I was an avid watcher. I also knew my team was the Instinct of Florida. "I'm Mystic, ok? I'm like the only Mystic I know. All of my friends went Valor."

He looked at me with disappointment. "Weak, I'm Instinct," he said, telling me what I already knew.

I gave him a mischievous smile. "Yea, you're gonna be way outnumbered here." I took a triumphant bite out of my burger. Then it hit me out of nowhere. "Wait, it's your first day here, right? Well, I was supposed to go to Downtown Disney this weekend but my friends flaked. Would you want to go? It's supposed to be THE spot in this area for Pokemon." I can't lie and say I didn't have a crush on him, but I also felt responsible for making sure he's enjoying his time here and assimilating well. I know how much it sucked being in a new place and not knowing anyone, and it hurt to know that's the position he was in now.

He gave me such a genuine smile. "That'd be great, actually. I'd never visited on my prior stays here." I could see the appreciation on his face and my stomach exploded with butterflies.

"Yay! So on Saturday it's a date!" I said with a smile. Wait, did I just say date?! I couldn't made it awkward so I continued speaking without really thinking. "So, what's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?"

"Coming here." He said quickly. He gave me a blank stare and then laughed. I rolled my eyes at him, indicating I wasn't amused. "But realistically, I try not to be very spontaneous. I'm not good with surprises."

An idea sparked in my mind. "Oh, is that right?" I gave him an evil gave me a look of confusion and concern. "Hurry up and finish. I just remembered I did have something to do tonight. And you're coming."