English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.

Season of Farewell

Chapter 7: Aftereffects

"Happy birthday, Athrun!" his girlfriend said with a bright smile which was her trademark. With her backpack on her shoulder, she appeared to have come straight to his homeroom from her bus stop without stopping by hers.

Athrun blinked. He had almost forgotten today was his actual birthday. "Thanks."

His voice and face lacked the excitement that matched hers, but Cagalli didn't seem to mind it. Still smiling, she sat in a seat next to his, her body facing him. He turned his body in her direction, placing the literature test he had been reviewing on his desk.

"The weather is so nice, isn't it? Such a celebratory atmosphere, hmm?" she said happily.

He blinked again before looking outside through the window and realizing it was in fact a beautiful day. The morning sky was clear blue with white thin clouds here and there and the sun was shining brilliantly, but not like the glaring summer sun. It was more inviting.

"Ah...yes. It's nice." He put on a smile. "You must be craving for a picnic, aren't you?"

She laughed merrily. "You know me well. I wish we didn't have school today. I enjoyed running in this weather this morning, but it wasn't enough." She sent a wistful look to the sky, then swiftly turned her eyes back to him, her face suddenly serious. "You haven't made any plans for today, have you?"

"Not really. Though I have a class in cram school today," he cautiously added.

Her face was satisfied. "I know, but it's okay. We still have a few hours after school before you have to go to cram school, right?" He gave a tentative nod.

"You know, I've been thinking..." She lowered her voice as if telling a secret. He cocked his eyebrow in a questioning way, slightly bending forward to hear her better. She leaned toward him as well, half rising from her chair, to whisper into his ear, "How about we go to your house after school to celebrate your real birthday?"

Her cheeks were pink and she looked shy as she pulled back, which told him what kind of celebration she had in her mind. His heart jumped with excitement and joy, then dropped into his stomach and kept falling further and further, into the dark, endless pit.

She was looking at him expectantly, her cheeks still adorned with the cute blush, and he tried desperately to maintain his composure.

"I..." He cleared his throat to prevent his voice from cracking. "I don't think that's a good idea...sorry."

Her face turned worried. "You're not still sick, are you? You have to tell me if you are."

He shook his head. "No, it's not that." Her brows were still knitted with concern and he gave her a reassuring smile. "I just feel...I need some time before we do it again," he said in a low voice.

She studied him for a while before scooting her chair toward his and leaning into him again. Their heads were almost touching.

"Are you feeling bad because we stopped in the middle of doing it?"

He averted his face. Although it wasn't the main reason why he was reluctant to sleep with her, it added to his mortification as she had nailed it.

She moved his hair on the side, probably so that she could see his face better. He didn't make any response at her touch. He had prepared himself when he had seen her a minute ago. Plus, as long as the touch was light, he could handle it especially when he was on the receiving end. Though touching her or being touched by her, no matter how brief and light it was, still made him somewhat nervous, not warm or at ease as it had made him just three days ago.

"You were sick, Athrun. It happens to anyone."

"I guess...but still, a failure is a failure."

No matter what the reason was, it didn't change the fact that he had not been able to perform properly. And since she wasn't aware of the real reason, it was even truer in her eyes. Although this was still better than her learning the actual reason why he had had to stop, it didn't make the situation any less embarrassing.

She silently stroked his head for a moment before softly saying, "It may be so. But it doesn't mean you're to blame. Some things simply can't be helped, right? You are too hard on yourself."

He knew her words were genuine and they eased his humiliation a little, but not much. It was probably because what bothered him most was something different, something he could never tell her. Something that would most likely change the way she saw this—saw him.

No matter how much she meant what she was saying now, it didn't matter much since she didn't know.

He was afraid of having sex with her because he might have that ugly thought again, or worse, might lose control and put the idea into action. Just thinking about the possibility filled his mouth with acid. The shock that had shaken him up had subsided to an extent; he could keep his calm while swallowing the acid now. But it didn't mean he was any less disgusted or scared.

If anything, those feelings might be stronger now. As revolted as he was by the idea of getting Cagalli pregnant without her consent and by considering such an idea even just for a moment, he still couldn't say with confidence that he would never act on it.

That thought wasn't something that had come from somewhere outside. It had risen from inside of him. Although he didn't want to admit it, a part of him found that path, what he could have down the path, appealing. That was why he couldn't help worrying that the day might come when he succumbed to the temptation.

"At least don't think like you let me down or did something bad to me or that kind of thing, and then, beat yourself up, okay? You didn't." She emphasized the last sentence.

He felt a pang of guilt. She wouldn't say that if she knew. She wouldn't look at him with such a tender expression. And he could never confide in her if he didn't want to lose them, lose her.

"As far as I'm concerned, you have nothing to feel bad about, understood?" she finished with warm eyes.

He forced his face to make a smile, albeit a small one, and his eyes to hold her gaze. He had to keep up appearances. Since he had left the bed after the "nap" two days ago, he had been putting on a casual attitude while trying to touch her as little as possible. It seemed successful; she didn't seem to be suspecting anything. And she must remain that way.

"Thanks," he told her. "I appreciate that."

She ruffled his hair teasingly, with a caring face. "Just take as much time as you need, then. But if your head gets like a hamster..." She thoughtfully paused. "...if it becomes like a hamster too much, you need to talk to someone. Dwelling on negative feelings on your own isn't healthy, remember?"

"Yeah."

She nodded. "Goo—"

"Hibiki!"

They turned their faces to the front of the room. Fllaga, his homeroom teacher, was standing behind the teacher's desk, grinning. "It's almost time for Homeroom. Quit making out with Zala and go back to your homeroom." The teacher pointed his thumb behind him, in the direction of Cagalli's homeroom.

As other students laughed and giggled, Athrun's face turned warm. With a red face, Cagalli stuck out her tongue at the teacher and stood up.

She gave Athrun's arm a squeeze. "See you at lunch." He nodded in response.

Taking his eyes off her retreating figure, he let out a quiet sigh of relief. He had succeeded in getting through the conversation without raising her suspicion, and buying him some time. He could use the embarrassment as an excuse to avoid sleeping with her for a while, then he could say that they should focus on studying until their entrance exams were over.

After that, he wasn't sure. But he could probably come up with another excuse especially after he completely got a grip on himself, finished burying deep these emotions disturbing him. Or maybe, hopefully, he would have overcome the incident, somehow gotten rid of the disgusting thought, by then. He just needed time. Then, he could find some solution. He truly, desperately hoped so.

Entering the cafeteria, Cagalli scanned the room to spot Athrun. On her way to the table Athrun and their friends were sitting at, she couldn't hold back a smile. He was facing his back toward her and she walked around the table to stand in front of him. Kira was sitting across from Athrun and watching her curiously. She pushed her brother's body away to squeeze into between him and Nicol, hiding her right hand behind her body.

She schooled her feature before calling the name of her boyfriend who looked too distracted to notice her presence.

He looked up at her voice. "Hey. Are you done with whatever you had to do?"

As soon as the last class before lunchtime had ended, she had sent him a text telling him to go to the cafeteria without her since she had something to take care of first. He had just replied Okay.

She smiled, rather too widely. "Almost. Here you go." With a flourish, she placed what was in her hand on his tray. "This is your birthday dessert. It's peach jelly," she added, though it was obvious from the image and logo on the container.

It was the type of jelly that contained large pieces of actual fruit in it, and it was still cool since she had brought it here straight from the school store where jellies were kept cool. Peaches were his favorite fruit; since she had found out the store sold the jelly last month, she had been planning to give it to him on his birthday. Her determination had been strengthened after he had given the ring to her.

She touched her chest, feeling the ring under her shirt, which was hanging from a chain around her neck. Students weren't allowed to wear jewelry at school, so she kept it hidden under her clothes.

The jelly wasn't a return gift to the ring, of course. She was planning to give him something more special. But she had not yet decided what to give, and really wanted to do something for him right now, show him even a small part of how happy she was about the ring; it had been really sweet of him to give her such a special gift to show his love for her when he should be the one to receive it. She wanted to show him her feelings for him as well, and the jelly satisfied her to an extent. She now felt they were a bit closer to even.

With expectant eyes, she waited for his surprised face to turn into a smile. Instead, something like the mixture of sadness and pain crossed his face, as if he wanted to cry, which alarmed her.

"Are you sure you feel well?" She placed her hands on the table and leaned toward him to examine his face more closely.

But his face quickly changed into a calm smile. "Sure. I was just surprised." He motioned toward the jelly. "Thank you for this. It looks delicious."

"Yeah. I thought you'd like it," she replied unsurely.

The smile still on his face, he pointed his finger in the direction of the counter. "You'd better go and get some food. Or you'll miss your lunch."

She wasn't convinced, but pursuing the subject here was probably not the best way. Athrun didn't like showing his weaknesses to others, even to his friends, sometimes even to her.

Two days ago, after his birthday party, he had clearly admitted to feeling unwell without her pressing him, but it was probably because he had been so sick that he didn't have enough energy to pretend. Now that he had somewhat recovered, he would probably stubbornly deny he wasn't completely fine if she kept interrogating him. She just needed to be attentive and keep an extra eye on him for a while. Then, she would surely be able to provide the care he needed.

"Okay. I'm getting my lunch." Waving a hand, she hurried away.

Athrun was picking at his ginger pork when she came back with her ramen. He didn't seem to have much appetite, another proof that he must have not recovered fully, but he finished his food including the peach jelly and thanked her again with a smile. He didn't seem to be enjoying it as much as she had hoped, though. Probably she should give him another jelly after he became well and able to enjoy it fully.

After they were all done with their lunch, their group left the cafeteria and sat on the edge of a connecting corridor to chat and sunbathe for the rest of the lunch break, some of them leaning against poles of the corridor and trees nearby. It was a sunny and warm day with no wind; they were eager to enjoy the sunlight while they still could. All benches seemed to be occupied by the students who thought the same.

"Watch out, Dearka."

Sitting down on the corridor, she turned her face to find Nicol stretching an arm out before the blond. Dearka seemed to have nearly walked into a pole. He must have not been watching where he was going, his eyes glued to his phone.

"You okay?" she called out.

"Yeah." Dearka half-heartedly nodded in her direction, then Nicol's before dropping his eyes to his phone again, leaning against the pole.

"Maybe you can take a break from your phone for a while?" Nicol suggested, sitting down at the bottom of a nearby pole. Dearka had been doing something with his phone throughout the lunch and the way to the corridor.

"You know I don't have much access to my phone and computer anymore. I need to make the most of it when I can," Dearka replied in a complaining tone, kicking a stone. As his punishment for drinking, he was forbidden to watch TV and use his computer and phone unless it was related to school or cram school for a month.

Yzak scoffed from a couple meters away where he was leaning against another pole. "It's your own fault. You should've watched how much you drank."

Miriallia, who was sitting on the corridor next to Cagalli, would usually make a comment as well. But she started chatting with Fllay who was sitting on the other side of her about a comedy movie she had watched last night, making a show of indifference and determinedly keeping her face turned away from Dearka. The brunette and the blond had had a fight yesterday, when she had criticized his behavior at Athrun's birthday party and he had told her to stay out of his business since she wasn't his girlfriend. They apparently had not made up yet.

Cagalli wasn't worried. It wasn't unusual for Miriallia and Dearka to fight; they usually got over it after several days, or a couple weeks at the longest. Plus, she was more concerned about her boyfriend. Tuning out Yzak and Dearka' bickering, she studied Athrun who was leaning against a tree several steps away from her. Kira was sitting at the bottom of the tree and complaining about his homework; Athrun made noncommittal responses once in a while, not seeming to be listening intently.

He didn't look exactly unwell. He looked more distant. And there was something that wasn't right about him.

Their conversation in the morning came back to her mind. Maybe he wasn't feeling good due to a psychological problem rather than a physical one. It explained the feeling she got that he had been trying to keep her at arm's length since his birthday party, or rather, since after the party. She had assumed it was because he was hiding his condition from her, but maybe it wasn't the only reason, or not the main reason even. He seemed more disturbed by his "failure" than she had thought. He was probably too embarrassed to properly face her because of it.

She wished there was something she could do about it. But she had already told him what she had to, and bringing up the subject again didn't seem to help. He obviously needed some time to make peace with what had happened, and giving him that time was probably the best way to handle this.

Reaching the conclusion, she joined Miriallia and Fllay who were now talking about Fllay's college choice. The redhead was going to apply to college of foreign studies, but wasn't sure which to choose if she was accepted into both a big university she was most interested in, which had more various and unique programs, and a small, all-female college her father was encouraging her to go to. Cagalli agreed with Miriallia that Fllay should follow her dream; her father would come around.

Before long, the chime started, indicating the lunch break was almost over. They stood up and started walking toward the school building.

An idea occurred to her. "Athrun."

He stopped and turned to her. She stepped toward him and reached out for a hug, wanting to comfort him before they parted. His face startled, his body jerked back as if she was trying to assault him—as if he hated to be touched by her. He looked almost repulsed.

She stopped, blinking. "Athrun?"

His throat bobbed, and for a moment, he looked at her with...she wasn't sure what. Then he averted his eyes, his face strangely expressionless as if it was a mask under which he was hastily pushing his emotions. "Sorry. I just...just give me some space, will you?" There was a slight tension in his voice.

She stared at him for another moment before giving a small nod. "Okay..."

Turning his eyes back to her, he put on a smile which didn't reach his eyes. "Thanks. Let's go. We are getting behind."

Without waiting for her response, he started following their friends, who didn't seem to have noticed her and Athrun's odd exchange, as if he was trying to run away from her.

After a little, she began moving her feet as well, her heart beating in a hurt and anxious rhythm. She quickened her pace to fall into step beside him and looked up at him. He didn't show any signs that he wanted to put more distance between them, but didn't look at her either.

She wanted to touch his arm, shake him and ask him what was wrong. He had never acted like that, even when they had been just friends, even when they had had a fight.

However, she held back, clenching her hands into fists to keep them to herself, partly because she was afraid that he would reject her again. And perhaps, he didn't want any intimacy with her right now because it might remind him of the incident after the birthday party, even if it was just a casual hug. She had just decided to give him some time to get himself together, and it was probably best if she followed through on it.

She told herself so, but still, the look he had had before he got his guard up kept bugging her. It had looked somewhat like fear, but there had been some other feelings. Perhaps guilt...and embarrassment? They were somewhat understandable, but still confusing. Her gut was also telling her that she was missing something. Only it didn't tell her what.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, she sent another glance to Athrun's profile who looked just the same. She wished she could talk to someone, preferably Athrun himself. He didn't seem to be in the mood to talk, however. And the matter was too personal, and probably too delicate, to discuss with others. He was guarded about his personal affairs, and surely wouldn't like her telling others about the incident after his birthday party. It might make him feel even worse, which was the last thing she wanted.

They trailed behind their friends silently. Climbing up the stairs to the senior floor, the group split up, a half of them going left and the rest going right. She and Athrun both turned left and soon they came to Athrun's homeroom. He raised a hand in farewell, reaching out for the door.

She called his name and he glanced back at her. Both his face and body seemed somewhat tense. She hesitated, not knowing what to say.

"Are you...really all right?"

He put on that forced smile again. "I'm fine. Don't worry." She wasn't reassured at all, but the bell rung to tell them it was time for a class. "You should go to your homeroom."

"Yeah..."

Reluctantly, she resumed walking. She wasn't sure how to get him to talk and this wasn't a good place to try anyway. Sighing, she hoped he would be physically well soon. Then hopefully, he would become willing to discuss the issue with her.

A/N: I revised the previous chapter. If you reread it, you will hopefully get a better idea of Athrun's sentiments.

Thank you for reading. See you next week!

···

Below are replies to reviews.

To Fuyu Aki:

Thank you for another review!

I suppose the previous chapter was a bit confusing. I hope this chapter and the revision of the previous chapter made things clearer.

About the timeline, the previous chapter happened two days before Athrun's birthday (and this chapter is on his actual birthday). They just decided to have his birthday party two days early.

I actually considered making Cagalli wear the bracelet in the previous chapter. However, I thought the bracelet might distract readers from the ring, even if just a bit, and I wanted them to focus on the ring. So I decided against it. The bracelet probably won't show up in the rest of the fic, either. But the amulet will have its appearances later.

And yes, I'm afraid you have to be patient with me for a while. We still have a lot to cover before reaching the end.

To PegasusInCage:

Thank you for another review!

I'm glad you are still reading. And yeah, this website sometimes does weird stuff. I don't use notifications, but one of my fics has a wrong number for its reviews. Either I can't see one of the reviews or the website is seeing a non-existent review.

Anyway, don't worry. I won't put this fic on a hiatus. I'm already done with the first draft though I still need a lot of serious editing, and I have every intention of keeping uploading until we reach the epilogue.

Sorry Athrun in this fic isn't as innocent as you think :P But as you see in this chapter, he is now hesitant about physical contacts with Cagalli. So there won't be many of them in the future, at least for a while.

About Shinn's feelings for Cagalli, it really doesn't matter either way. The sport festival is the only part where Shinn and Cagalli have any exchanges in this fic. And they won't talk about their feelings for each other, or no one else will bring up the matter. It has nothing to do with the story. So it all depends on how you (want to) read it.

*posted 02/24/19*

*edited 01/19/21*