be happy (A Lachlan Power Fanfiction)

by KaliDiaz

Lachlan moved to Orlando, Florida from Australia, and no one is too sure why. He is a happy, career driven Youtuber, but there is a secret darkness that he keeps to himself. That is, until he meets Kali. Kali watches Lachlan on a regular basis. In fact, Lachlan saved her life and he doesn't even know it. Read as two unlikely strangers join together on their quest for happiness.

7. Chapter Seven: I Need You

Lachlan

"Look who we have here," I heard a familiar voice say, "it's the lesser Power."

Eric. It was Eric. I looked at him, trying to muster up as much confidence as I could. "What are you doing here, Eric?"

He ignored my question, walking closer to me. "Didn't I already tell you no one would ever like you? No one cares about you, faggot. Stop trying to pretend like you're hot shit," he said, the familiar mocking tone in his voice.

"What are you talking about?" He was approaching me slowly, causing me to take a step back.

"Kali, you dipshit. You thought she actually cared about you?" He looked at me, a devilish look in his eyes, I averted my eyes. "Of course you did, because you're an idiot. You always were the dumb one in your family, right?" he scuffed. "You will always be a nobody, you hear me? No matter how famous Youtube makes you, no matter how far away you move, everyone will eventually learn how irrelevant you are. You're such a fuckin waste of space. The world would be better if your brother had never found you!"

I tried to say something, but nothing would come out. My voice was stuck in a lump in my throat. This is how it always happened.

He gave me a nasty smirk. "Just as I thought. You're still the same little bitch you were five years ago." He cocked his arm back, aiming straight for my face.

I flinched, bracing for impact. My eyes shot open and I realized I was laying in darkness. I was still in my bed and it was wet with sweat. Great, I had fallen victim to another all too realistic dream.

"C'mon, not again," I grovelled. I hadn't been getting proper sleep since I got home Saturday. I understood why Kali didn't tell me, and I didn't blame her for it, but I still struggled with being able to trust her. I didn't know how open too open would be with someone who may not fully be able to distinguish me from my career. I couldn't stop wondering if she would have acted differently had I been a completely random person to her.I kept playing different scenarios of how Saturday could have played out, wishing I hadn't reacted so negatively.

I checked the time. 10:30 AM. I had my first one on one therapy session today and I couldn't lie, I was extremely nervous. It had been a little over a year and a half since I started therapy, and talking about my past never got easier. I felt my chest begin to tighten. It became hard to breath. What's going on?

I started getting light headed and my vision began to blur. I was having a panic attack and I could tell this one was going to be bad. I usually wasn't alone when these happened, and that thought made me panic more. I picked up my phone and called the only person I could think of.

"Hello?" Her voice sounded skeptical and slightly concerned.

My breaths were coming our shaky, my voice struggling to come out of my throat. "Kali, I need you."

"What's wrong, Lachlan? Where are you? I'm coming right now," she said frantically. I heard keys jingling and drawers closing.

"Panic attack," I struggled to say. "At home." I was heaving. It was getting more and more painful.

"Ok, Lachlan. You can breath, ok? I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm gonna Facetime you in the car so I can make sure you're ok, alright?" I heard her say something to someone else, but couldn't quite understand and then heard a door slam behind her.

She hung up and Facetimed me, a worried expression on her face showing up on my screen. "Thank you," I managed to get out of my throat.

"Don't thank me. I'll be there soon. You can breath, ok? Sit up on your bed and put your arms over your head. I'll be there in 10 minutes." She spoke quickly but I could see she was trying to look calm for me.

I did as she said requested, sitting up and straightening my back and placing one of my arms above my head, using the other to hold the phone so that I remained in her line of vision. I was still heaving, but they slowly started coming at a less rapid pace. I tried to tell myself I could breath, to just relax but it wasn't working.

"Lachlan?" I heard Kali say, pulling me out of my trance. I nodded at her. "Are you able to get the door? I'm about to park in a minute. Sit on the couch after you do that, alright?"

I nodded again, still feeling a little dizzy as I tried to get up. I felt weird on my felt, nausea hitting me as I started to walk. I walked as quickly as my body would let me and unlocked the door. Suddenly, everything quickly went black.

"Lachlan? Lachlan, please wake up," I heard Kali beg, I slowly opened my eyes, feeling like I had just been hit by a truck.

"I didn't notice you wore glasses," I whispered in a meek voice.

"Oh my god, you're ok!" She hugged me, her tears making contact with my bare chest. I tried to hug her back but felt too weak, so instead I just gave her an acknowledging pat on the back. "You scared me, you little shit." She said, laughing while the tears still came rushing out.

"Don't be mean, I didn't plan it," I said with a weak smile, my voice coming out raspy and scratchy. "Thank you," I said, prompting her to let go of me and look at me. I was still cradled in her lap, her hand lightly grazing the scars on my exposed arms. I suddenly felt self conscious, all too aware that I was only wearing loose basketball shorts and socks. I squirmed a little, attempting to conceal my chest with one arm as much as I could.

"You don't have to thank me. I told you I would protect you, didn't I?" She smiled at me, her eyes still dark with concern.

"Yea, but I treated you like shit on Saturday. I'm so sorry about that. I don't know why I acted like that. You didn't deserve it. And I've been ignoring you, that's not really ok either. I'm such an ass."

"Stop it," she said sternly. "You don't need to apologize. I've been distant too. That's not just on you. And about Saturday. Please know I didn't intend for things to happen that way. I didn't mention it because I didn't want to make things weird but here we are anyway."

"I understand, Kali. I didn't mention it for the same reason. We were just trying to spare ourselves and each other." She nodded quietly. "I missed you these last few days." She smiled, signing SAME to me, making me smile too. We stayed quiet for a minute, just staring into each others eyes when I was hit with an unfortunate realization. "Shit, what time is it?" I asked, propping myself up from her lap and trying to peer at the clock in the kitchen.

"It's like 11. Is everything ok?" she asked, positioning herself across from me.

"Yea, I have therapy today, which is what actually put me in this situation." My stomach started getting into knots again.

"Paige is cool, I promise. She really cares, and you know you can talk about whatever you want? She won't push you to talk about these until you're ready." She grabbed my hands, facing the inner part of my arms towards the ceiling so that we could both see my scars. I nodded, trying to convince myself of what she's saying.

I was able to make it to therapy on time, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to Paige about my cutting or past attempt. Instead, I opted to talk to her about my trust and intimacy issues. I've recently started feeling like I could possibly be one hundred percent myself with someone one day. I also realized that perhaps my one night stands and hooks up weren't really helping my intimacy issues and in order to overcome that barrier, I really needed to work on trust. Paige told me that these conclusions were important for my personal development. I felt like I had made a made a lot of progress today, and I couldn't help but feel it had at least a sliver to do with Kali.

I smiled as I thought of her name, slowly making my way to the ice cream place we had agreed to meet at after the mishap this morning. I still can't believe she came all the way to my house to help me with a panic attack. Her willingness to be there for me made my stomach flutter again. I turned into the parking lot, pulling up next to her as she played on her phone. She hadn't noticed me, so I slid out of my car, going around her car and banging on her driver's window.

"Fuck!" I heard her yelp as she looked at me, rolling down the window so she could talk to me. I leaned on her door, smirking because of her amazing reaction. "Still the worst kind of person. And here I thought we were making some headway." She shook her head and pushed me out of the window frame, putting up her window and getting out of her car.

I hadn't really noticed how casual and carefree she looked this morning. She wore her hair in a big, messy bun on the top of her head and her wide glasses were riding low on her nose. She had on this long, grandpa sweater with red and orange patterns all over it, falling just below her butt, and some black leggings and brown combat boots. She looked effortless and absolutely beautiful.

"And here I thought you were such a bad ass," I said laughing as she pouted next to me. "You literally squealed. I wish I had recorded that."

She shoved me playfully. "Don't be a dick. I really don't do well with surprises."

"Miss Adventure and Impulse doesn't like surprises? And you judged me. Maybe I should drag you off to some unknown place and suggest for you to make some permanent life decision." I smiled at her, thinking about the adventure that had taken place six short days ago.

She shook her head laughing. "You make it sound like you're gonna kill me. I do value my life, thank you very much. Plus, it was a good permanent decision. You said it yourself."

I rolled my eyes at her as we approached the window. We quickly ordered our ice cream, a strawberry cone for her and a chocolate dipped vanilla cone for me. We sat down at one of the tables, appreciating the inactivity around us since kids were still in school and college students had gone back home.

Something she had said triggered something in my memory, pushing me to ask a question that had been lingering on my mind since she had made the statement. "Kali, I really don't mean to be pushy, but I can't stop thinking about what you said on Saturday," I said quietly.

She looked down at her ice cream, trying to come off as nonchalant as possible. The messy bun resting on top of her head bobbed slightly as she licked her cone. "Oh yea? Which part." I gave her a serious look, knowing she knew exactly what I was talking about. "Fine. First off, it's not as serious as you think it is. I don't worship you for it or hold you to a higher degree as a person for it. Got it?" I looked at her and nodded, the declaration actually easing the pressure I had previously placed on myself. "Ok, so you know I had attempted once, yea?" I nodded, remembering her mentioning it during our first group meeting. "Well, I had attempted once, but I did seriously contemplate it again about a year after. I had just finished my first semester back to school and thought I was adjusting well, but I always felt like something was off. I knew people were whispering about me and what I had done and though it didn't bother me much after coming back, it came to an all time high when the anniversary of my attempt rolled around.

"The whispers were no longer whispers, they were blatant comments directed at me. People were treating me as an example, a suicide prevention success story or something, but I didn't see myself as a success. As glad as I am to be alive right now, I had felt like such a failure for not being able to end it like I planned. The feelings of self loathing intensified, and I needed to find a distraction before I had done something I would regret. I remembered how my siblings would turn to Youtube to distract them back at home. They showed me the Internet Icon serie, and it caught my attention until its inevitable end. From there, I moved to the channels of two of my favorite contestants, Matthias and Joule Thief. I had watched most of their videos and Matthias got really into Minecraft and it made me remember my brother watching Mitch's channel.

"I started watching his Hunger Games like my brother used to but couldn't get into. He was funny, but it wasn't really my thing. I eventually started watching Jerome since they would always record together and I saw he did How To Minecraft. I started watching it and made it through the first few of his episodes and I just remember hearing your voice for the first time and the personality you had when you spoke. I was intrigued. I started watching your series which had significantly more episodes than Jerome had since I guess you had started a few months before him. I just remember laughing at your corny jokes and the facial expressions you made and I was trapped." I felt myself blush at her comment and she smiled.

"A week or so after I started watching your videos exclusively, it was midterms week and I had done terrible and all of the feelings and pressure I had put on myself the year before came back. I started cutting excessively and it was getting worse and worse everyday. I had started seriously contemplating taking my life again, but then I got a notification that you posted a new video and it gave me an idea. I decided to make a deal with myself: If I smiled or laughed at least five times during the new video, I wouldn't cut that day. This continued until the desire to cut was replaced with the desire to watch you on screen, your happiness becoming infectious to me. I had stopped thinking so negatively about everything and eventually my grades got better. I started listening to you as I fell asleep, finding your voice was one of the few things that soothe me." She stopped and looked at me, my mouth slightly open in awe. I had another question now, one that made me blush even harder at the thought of it. She shook her head and smiled at me. "Before you even ask, yes, I still do fall asleep listening to your voice. Old habits die hard, ok?

I gave her a cheeky smile. "I don't know how I feel about my voice being the last thing you hear at night. It's almost not fair that I can't have the same."

She shrugged, finishing her ice cream. "No one told you to post videos, man. Plus, let's just be glad that it's not your sexy waking up voice. I don't know how I'd sleep hearing that every night." Her eyes suddenly went wide at the realization of what she had said. Her face instantly went red and she looked away.

I bit my lip, looking at how embarrassed she was and wanted to feed into it. "I'm sure you weren't crying into my bare chest this morning just from happiness then, huh?" I said, cocking my eyebrow at her. "You liked what you saw?"

"Jesus, Power. Don't make me regret telling you I like you," she said giving me a playful punch.

"No, never that," I said, slipping my arm around her waist, prompting her to rest her head on my shoulder. "I like that you like me, you know. It makes things easier."

She turned her head, trying to look up at me without actually lifting it. "How so?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, I just feel like it would in the future and stuff."

I saw her bite her lip. "Lachlan, I do like you, please don't think I don't, but I don't know how far this can really go," she said the last part in an almost whisper.

"What do you mean?"

She let out a deep sigh. "There's this kind of unspoken rule in group. There can't be any romantic relationships within the members. It didn't end well last time, so yea."

My heart sunk a little. I hadn't really considered a romantic relationship with Kali. Sure, we almost kissed a couple of times, but let's be honest, we're adults and I'm sure we've both kissed our fair share of nonromantic partners. For some reason, though, knowing that we couldn't have one made the thought flutter in my head. "What happened exactly if you don't mind me asking."

She shook her head, obviously not wanting to go into too much detail. "Two people dated and the girl ended up leaving the group and breaking up with him a few weeks later. The next day, he was found in a head on collision with a tree."

"I can't blame you guys for having this as a rule within the group. I'm sure that was traumatic for everyone involved. You guys basically lost two friends in the process and that's not fair to anyone." I looked at her, gently playing with the mess of curls atop her head. "Just know that as friends, I'm still going to need you, Kali."

"I'll need you too, Lachlan."

Kali

I ran out of my car and into his apartment, honestly not even remembering if I had closed my door or not. "Lachlan," I called as I walked into his apartment. I looked down and saw his lifeless body lying before me. I dropped down to my knees and put my ear close to his nose and mouth. He was breathing normally. He must have passed out walking towards the couch, seeing as how he did look pretty weak while we were on Facetime. I pulled his body close to me, cradling his torso in my lap and gently played with his hair. "Lachlan, wake up, please?" I gently urged.

He was pale, well, paler than usual. I looked at his bare chest, and placed my hand there so I could feel it rise and fall as he breathed. My eyes wandered to his arms, scars scattered all over them. Some looked newer than others, including one I could tell he'd probably done before sleeping last night.

I continued speaking to him and playing with his hair, urging him to wake up. "Come on, Power, please wake up. I need you, too. You can't just leave me like this. We still need to make up from Saturday and go on other adventures. I wanted to take you to the amusement parks and see you scream on the roller coasters. I wanted to take you to the zoo so you could meet my best friend, Gage the Giraffe. We haven't even watched a movie together and commented on how dumb the characters were acting." The tears were stinging at my eyes. "I, I haven't even been able to tell you how much you mean to me already." I placed a gentle kiss on his hairline, tears starting to fall from my eyes. "Lachlan? Lachlan, please wake up."

"I didn't know you wore glasses," I heard him mumble. My eyes flashed from his chest to his eyes. His once bright blue eyes now looked a dark navy.

I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. "Oh my god, you're ok!" I hugged him hard. I hugged him like it was the last time I would ever be able to. I was just so grateful he was finally awake. "You scared me, you little shit." I started laughing nervously, feeling my tears fall from my face onto his pale chest.

"Don't be mean, I didn't plan it,"he said with a strained smile. I know this wasn't the time, but I would be lying if I said the scratchiness and raspiness of his voice wasn't making me blush just a little. I was kind of glad my face was against his chest and he couldn't see me. "Thank you," he whispered, causing me to let him go from the hug and look at him with confusion.

"You don't have to thank me. I told you I would protect you, didn't I?" I smiled but I still scanned his face for further explanation.

"Yea, but I treated you like shit on Saturday. I'm so sorry about that. I don't know why I acted like that. You didn't deserve it. And I've been ignoring you, that's not really ok either. I'm such an ass."

"Stop it," I said, cutting him off before he could continue with his nonsense. "You don't need to apologize. I've been distant too. That's not just on you. And about Saturday. Please know I didn't intend for things to happen that way. I didn't mention it because I didn't want to make things weird but here we are anyway."

He tried to reach for my face with his hand, but it was clear he was still too weak to do that. I gently grabbed his hand instead, meeting him halfway. "I understand, Kali. I didn't mention it for the same reason. We were just trying to spare ourselves and each other." I nodded as he paused, urging him to continue his train of thought. "I missed you these last few days." I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face as he looked me into my eyes with such genuine care and affection. I signed SAME, and he flashed me that beautiful smile of his. It seemed almost too soon when realization came across his face. "Shit, what time is it?" He asked, trying to lift himself up from my lap to look at the clock on the oven.

"It's like 11. Is everything ok?"

"Yea, I have therapy today, which is what actually put me in this situation." He averted eye contact.

I knew how incredibly nervous he was and I didn't blame him. I tried to do what I could to make him feel like it was going to be ok. "Paige is cool, I promise. She really cares, and you know you can talk about whatever you want? She won't push you to talk about these until you're ready." I grabbed his hands, facing the scars that told his story towards the ceiling. He nodded, but I knew that was just a show for me. I leaned down towards one of the newer scars he had and placed a gentle kiss next to it. He could feel that he shuttered just a little and I looked at him in his eyes once more, the icy blue color starting to return.

"I think I'll be ok, Kal. Really, thank you so much for coming out here, you didn't have to."

"I wanted to, Lachlan. Despite whatever is going on, I will always be here for you. I got you, mentee," I said with a playful wink, causing him to roll his eyes at me before giving me a smile. "Do you need any help?"

"I don't know if I can really get up just yet. Do you mind taking me to the bathroom? I have to shower really quick." I nodded and helped him lift himself off of the floor, slinging his arm over my shoulder and wrapping my arm around his waist. We walked slowly through his bedroom and into the bathroom, and I couldn't help steal glances every now and then of his bare chest and back and how his basketball shorts were beginning to run dangerously low on his hips…

"Do you mind grabbing some clothes from my closet while I take a quick shower?" He asked as he released himself from me and started turning on the water. I nodded and started walking towards his closet. "I'm good with some joggers and a long sleeve, those are on the left side. Thanks!" I turned back to say no problem, but instead was met with the vision of him pulling off his basketball shorts, exposing his long legs in his plain black boxers. I turned quickly before he could tell that I looked, my face burning from embarrassment as I left the bathroom.

I ended up dropping Lachlan off at therapy, a little worried that he wouldn't be ok to drive. He happily accepted but urged me to return to work right after, reassuring me that he'd be ok in a few hours. We made plans to go get ice cream when I got out of work, and knowing that there was a mini golf course, I figured what would be better than some friendly competition to get Lachlan and I back in the swing of things. I knew he was competitive from his videos, and I'm competitive by natural so I knew things would get interesting pretty quickly.

"You've gotta be shitting me!" he yelled as he watched my ball go into the hole on the first stroke. He hit his ball once more, it landing just shy of the hole. "This can't be happening right now."

I couldn't control my laughter. "I've never met someone worse than me in mini golf. Thank you for taking the title from me." I gave him a gentle pat on the back, earning an icy glare from him.

"It's only the first hole, we have seventeen more to go," he said, walking ahead of me. There was no trace of a smile on his face, making me laugh even harder. He lined up his shot on the second hole, overshooting it and having the ball land outside of the green. "Are you some sort of witch or something?"

"That's pretty rich coming from the cult leader," I said with a chuckle. I lined up my shot, having the ball stop within a foot of the hole. I pumped my arm in confidence, sticking out my tongue at Lachlan.

"Ok, how about this. Let's make it interesting." A smirk appeared on his face and I could already tell he was plotting.

I smiled, knowing he has a thing for wagers. "Go on, Power. What's the plan?"

"Loser buys dinner this weekend. Winner chooses the place."

"Game on," I said while extending my hand towards Lachlan. He shook it, a mischievous smile crossing his face. I putted and the ball just curved around the hole. "Fuck."

Lachlan laughed from the start of the green. He placed his ball on the ground and lined it up, taking a few practice swings before hitting it, bouncing off the back wall and going right into the hole. "Huh, would you look at that? Who's the worst now?"

I scowled at him, tapping my ball into the hole and passing him his own. "There's still time for you to lose. Don't get so cocky."

He laughed at me, writing down our scores on the card. "You're only ahead by one at the moment, Diaz. I'm not being cocky, it's called confidence," he said with a wink.

We played a few more holes and I couldn't help but feel I had been hustled. "Why do I feel like I just got severely played?" I glared at him from the opposite side of the hole, watching him sink his 5th hole in one in a row.

"I haven't the slightest clue what you're talking about," he said with a cheeky grin.

I looked at him, jaw dropped. "You little asshole!" I ran toward him, club in hand. He ran away from me, both of us laughing maniacally. "You hustled me, admit it."

"I cannot confirm nor deny that statement," he said with a smile, trapping me in his strong arms and holding my arms down.

"I really hate losing," I said, pouting like a child. He gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead, causing me to blush.

"It's ok. One of us has to be the loser. And let's just agree that it won't be me." He bursts out laughing again as I punched him in the arm.

"You're literally the worst."

"So I've been told," he says, placing his arm around my waist.

I shivered a little, the slight affection making me feel a little uncomfortable after our talk over ice cream. "Lachlan, I-"

"Hey, faggot. Look who finally got a date." A boy by the first hole said to another young boy. I looked over at them, trying to see what had happened.

"Come on, Tommy, leave me alone." The other boy said, trying to sound demanding but still sounding pretty weak.

I felt myself walking towards them, not sure how my body was even moving.

"Aww, is Greg embarrassed? What? Did she not know you were literally the biggest loser in school." Tommy pushed Greg, knocking him off his balance a little. The young girl he was with looked frightened, looking away as Tommy got closer.

"Hey, is there a problem here?" I asked, approaching the group of high schoolers.

Tommy started laughing, looking between me and Greg. "Did you really call for backup?" Greg stood in silence, watching me as I got closer to Tommy.

"No he didn't, I just don't really like when people pick on those that are smaller than them. He's what? A sophomore in high school? Maybe 15 or 16? You're like a senior, no? Eighteen the youngest. Am I right?" Tommy nodded at me, smiling condescendingly. "Great, that makes you an adult. I have a couple of years on you but you have height and weight on me so that makes us just about even." I take off my glasses and place them on the bench by Greg and his friend. I retie my messy bun, making it a little tighter in case he tries to play dirty.

"What the hell are you doing?" Tommy says with a confused look on his face.

"You've never been in a fight before?" I gave him a quizzical look.

"What? You really think I would hit a girl?"

"Don't think of me as a girl. My parents always told me if you wanna hit like a dude, be prepared to be hit by a dude." I squared up and moved towards him.

"You're fuckin crazy." He looked at me, disgust in his eyes. "Look out, Greg. She won't always be here to protect you." He pointed at him, the threat creating tension in the air. He walked away quickly, looking back every so often to see if we were still there.

"You didn't have to do that," a quiet voice behind me said, "but thank you for doing it."

I turned and looked at the fragile boy. "I really don't like bullies." I picked up my glasses from the bench, watching a smile cross Greg's face.

"I really want to stand up to him, it's just so hard sometimes."

"I've never been in your position, so I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I do. What I do know is that it can get better. He's just a small portion of your life and soon he'll graduate, then you'll graduate, and you'll be off living your life far away from insecure ass holes like that guy."

He nodded. "I just feel like the people at school don't understand, and it sucks."

I sighed, knowing that he's probably right. "Ok, take down my number. I work with students at the university and if you ever need anything, I can help you, whether you just want someone to talk to or want to learn self defense, I will figure it out, ok?"

Greg smiled and I could see tears forming in his eyes. "Thank you so much for caring." The girl that sat beside him put her arm around her, comforting him the best she could.

"It's no problem at all. Enjoy the rest of your game." I smiled and walked back to where Lachlan was. Something didn't seem right. He was sitting on the bench with a dazed look on his face. He'd gone pale again. I rushed over and sat next to him, rubbing his back. "Lachlan?" He didn't respond. His eyes looked glazed over. "Hey, talk to me. Are you ok?"

"I-I really don't like bullies." He nervously started rubbing his arms. I suddenly realized what happened. I know the reason he froze when he heard the encounter take place and the reason he's so zoned out right now.

"Please don't feel like you have to answer, but, what happened to you back home?"

He shook his head, his eyes still focused at nothing in front of me. "The same thing that happened to that kid used to happen to me all the time."

"What do you mean?" I got up from the bench and tried to center myself in front of him. I lifted his chin so that I could look into his eyes which were now a dark blue color.

"School was fuckin hell for me. Remember when I told you my teachers didn't care?" I nodded slowly. "Well, they didn't care about a lot of things, like when I would constantly get threatening notes, or when I would get jumped walking home, or when people would make some really shitty comments just because of who they thought I was. I was constantly compared to my perfect older sister by everyone, even my teachers, and some would even tell me how my younger brother reminded them of her and wondered where the disconnect happened with me."

"That's really fucked. Nobody deserves that, especially someone that has such a beautiful soul like you." I gently rubbed his cheek, seeing that tears started forming in his eyes.

"Yea, ok." A tear fell down his cheek and he quickly wiped it, hoping I wouldn't notice.

"I'm serious. Like I told that boy back there, I can't pretend to understand how you feel, but I will help you make it better."

"It's the past, though, there's nothing to make better."

"There obviously is if you're so upset right now."

He sighed, knowing I had a point. "Look, I talked to Paige about this today, but I really feel like I need to tell you too. When I was in school, the main reason they would pick on me was because they thought I was gay. To be clear, I'm not. I am very, very attracted to you, got it." He had a slight smirk on his face and I couldn't help but smile back, glad to see his personality returning just a bit.

"Anyway, I don't really know if that's what started, but people at my school weren't really that accepting of gay people. I became some sort of social pariah because of the accusations and no one wanted to talk to or associate with the 'faggot'. The only friends I had were the ones I had growing up and they all went to different schools. Well, one day, one of my friends had set me up on a date with this girl. We went to the movies and after it was let out, the main guy that bullied me shows up and causes a scene. I got beat up in front of that girl and no matter how much she tried to comfort me through that time, I couldn't let her in.

"The same thing happened with all the girls I've dated after. They would try and I just couldn't let them in. I felt too fucked up to put all of that on them. When I started doing YouTube, I convinced myself that the reason I didn't have a serious girlfriend was because I didn't have the time to really commit to them, which I'm sure we both know is bull shit. I ended up developing really bad trust and intimacy problems. Like, I really don't feel comfortable telling people things about me, serious things. I don't even know why I feel this comfortable telling you these things, but I do."

He reached for my hand and grabbed it tight. He pulled me down so that I was sitting on his lap, looking at him, the bright blue slowly returning to them. "Oh, and when I say intimacy issues, I mean like relationship wise. I am very skilled in the bedroom area, thank you very much."

I shoved him, lifting myself from his lap. "Fuck off, you perv." I laughed as he gave me a cheeky smile. "And just like that, the Lachlan I've learned to tolerate these past few days is back."

"Just tolerate?" He raised his eyebrow at me knowingly.

"I can easily take those three words back, you know."

"But can you really? We'll always know the truth, won't we?" He grabbed my hand and brought me closer to him.

"God I hate you." I rolled my eyes as I sat next to him, my hand still in his. "You know, relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be, either. I developed trust issues because of my past boyfriends."

"Yea?" I nodded at him. "Do you mind telling me about it?"

"I guess," I said rolling my eyes and then smiled at him. He smiled back and rested his head on my shoulder, playing with my fingers in his hand. "Well, I've had a lot of boyfriends, but only three that really impacted me in some way. My first 'real' boyfriend and I were together on and off for three years. I really thought I loved him, but all he did was build a relationship based on lies. I loved the person he convinced me he was, not him. He told me I was his first kiss, and he had been mine. I later found out that wasn't true. He told me he was a virgin and planned to take my virginity, but later found out that wasn't true either. Luckily we never had sex, but we almost did. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I lost my virginity to that prick. After we broke up, he still acted like he owned me. Guys were scared to even be friends with me because they knew how aggressive and controlling he was.

"The best thing that happened to me was when he moved away, even though I didn't see it like that at the time. I hadn't realized just how much he fucked me up until I met my next boyfriend. My self esteem and self worth were shit, and this guy unfortunately had to help build me up. He was genuinely my first love and to this day I thank him for all that he did for me. We even moved to Orlando together but eventually drifted apart since we went to different schools and didn't see each other often. After that, I just felt like I was destined to be alone. We had talked about our futures together, our kids and where we would raise them, and just like that, we fell out of love. We mutually decided to break up, but how do you continue searching for love knowing that one day everything is perfect and the next, the feelings could go away in a snap?"

"Wow, I would have never guessed that. I've just tried to convince myself love didn't exist. It helped make me feel better because I could never find it."

"I feel like I was the opposite. I had felt that genuine love and it still disappeared. It made me doubt that forever love could really exist. I think that's what really fucked me up with my most recent relationship."

"What happened?"

"I had this friend, Reese, that I had met during the fall of my sophomore year. We were friends but we were never too close. I hadn't dated anyone after my second boyfriend and after I had attempted, dating was kind of not part of the plan. Well, when I came back to Orlando, he asked me on a date. I was super skeptical, but we were friends so I didn't think much of it.

"We slowly started spending more time together and I knew he really liked me, but I didn't think I could fully reciprocate those feelings. We started dating and he dealt with me through my thoughts of attempting again, though he didn't know the full extent of just how much I was considering it. He helped me stop cutting for a while too and I was really happy. We were in love, like deeply in love, but I couldn't get the thought that we would eventually just fall out of love from my mind. Around February of this year, I decided to break up with him, knowing that I couldn't fully give myself to him and knowing he didn't deserve the burden of having to take care of me. It ended really badly and neither of us took it very well. He didn't understand where I was coming from, and I did the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do: hurt him. It still breaks my heart to think about. He went off to medical school his year in Gainesville though, and we haven't talked since he left. I kind of fuck things up a lot."

"You were just doing what you thought was best, Kali." He lifted my chin so I was looking into his eyes. I hadn't even realized I was averting eye contact. "You had a reason to feel the way you feel and who's to say what you did wasn't the right thing? If you really felt like you couldn't give your full self to him, it's unfair to make him believe that you could."

"I just can't help but feel I made the wrong decision every now and then. I don't love him the same way anymore, but I always feel we could have been really happy together."

"If it was meant to be, it will be, but you can't live your life regretting the past." He smiled at me and brought me into a tight hug.

"You can't use my advice against me. That's not even fair."

"Aww, Kali. Who told you life was fair? You know what else isn't fair? This ass whooping you're gonna finish getting. Come on, no more emotional stuff, we have nine more holes to go through."

I couldn't help but laugh at how quickly he could switch it up and make me smile. I knew he was still hurting and everything we just talked about was running through his mind, but it was nice to put it on the back burner and just enjoy an afternoon out together.

"Yes! Another Birdie. Your boy is on fire."

"You're still a hustler. I can't believe I fell for that trick."

"Come on, Kali. We both know that's not the only thing I made you fall for," he said with a wink.

I shook my head and laughed. What was I going to do with this guy?