English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.

Season of Farewell

Chapter 8: The Hidden and the Revealed

"—and so, the third option doesn't fit the content of the text," Athrun finished his explanation.

"Oh, I see. That's why the second one is the right answer." Lunamaria nodded vigorously, her eyes on the paper on his desk between them. She was sitting in a chair in front of his desk.

After Closing Homeroom, she had come to his seat with the paper with English problems and asked him to help her with some of them; he had agreed. The problem they had just finished was the last one.

She looked up with a wide smile. "Thank you, Athrun. You're the best!"

"No problem." He smiled back before collecting his electronic dictionary to put it into his backpack. He then took out his phone to check whether he had a new text.

She stretched, then rested her head against a window to the corridor. "Now that I'm done with English—well, at least for now—I have three more to go, I suppose? Physics and chemistry and literature. Oh, no, I still have history, too." With a dramatic sigh, she looked up at the ceiling. "It's study, study, aaaaaaaaand study. Just imagine it, Meyrin. This will be your life next year."

"That part of senior life sure sucks," Meyrin said agreeingly, looking up from her phone. The younger redhead had been waiting for her sister, sitting at a desk next to the one Lunamaria occupied.

"I envy you for being a junior. You still have plenty of time. I wish I'd started preparing for college earlier. Then, maybe I wouldn't have to be as busy now."

"I think you started quite early. You were already sure about what major you're gonna pick and which college you wanna go to in the summer of your freshman year," the younger sister pointed out.

"Yeah, but I didn't really focus my time and effort on specifically preparing for entrance exams. Speaking of which, haven't you picked colleges yet? Or majors at least?"

"I don't know. It still seems too early to me."

"Have you not heard a word I just said, Mey? You have to start preparing early if you wanna get into your first choice. You think so too, right, Athrun?"

Hearing his name, he blinked. "Huh?" He had not been paying much attention to the sisters' conversation, barely hearing them.

He had been wondering what to do next, whether to go to the school library and join the study session with his friends. The past two weeks, since his actual birthday, he had been trying to avoid Cagalli, not just touching her but any interactions with her, as discreetly as possible though it probably wasn't really working. He had slipped up and she was now suspicious of his attitude.

Fortunately, she seemed to be only worried and confused, at least for now. But it made her almost always look at him with concern. And the more concern for him she showed, the guiltier he felt and the less time he wanted to spend with her. It was also due to his worry that his desire for her comfort might drive him to a confession to her, which most likely would result in his losing her.

He could no longer feel comfortable with her, always watching his words and actions, and her actions for she might surprise him again. It in itself was exhausting, and trying to cover up his wariness added to the tiredness. And the increasing weariness made it even more difficult for him to deal with her, which apparently made her more worried.

After a little more than two weeks, things had not improved as he had hoped. On the contrary, they had been getting worse, albeit little by little. And she wasn't being of any help, if not worsening the situation even further. After all, she had caused him to lose hold of his mask even though just for a second by her attempt to hug him, which had started, or at least escalated, this downward spiral.

"I was telling Meyrin she should already pick which college she aims for," Lunamaria explained, "so that she'll have more time to prepare."

He put on a smile. "It sounds like a good idea."

"See?" Lunamaria sent a smug smile to her sister.

"But even if I pick colleges now, I may change my mind," Meyrin argued, looking at Lunamaria. "Like...what if I get a boyfriend? I wanna go to the same college as him."

Lunamaria shook her head. "Can't you think about anything other than romance? Like which college is good for whatever you wanna do in the future?" Her tone was lecturing.

Meyrin stuck out her tongue a little. "What's wrong with wanting to be with my boyfriend? You can get a job whichever college you go to. They're more or less the same. To me, boyfriends are more important than colleges."

"You may break up with your boyfriend after entering college," Lunamaria pointed out. "Then you'd regret you'd chosen your college just to be with him."

Meyrin shrugged. "I could find another boyfriend."

Lunamaria scoffed. "Then what? You'd transfer to his college if your new boyfriend was going to a different college?"

"So what if I would?" Meyrin shot back.

Lunamaria raised her hands in the air. "Seriously, Meyrin. You'd drop everything else and run to a guy? You're such a silly girl."

Meyrin pouted. "Some people call it romantic."

"Some people who are blind to the reality," Lunamaria retorted, then turned her face to him. "Athrun, you should say something to her, too. She needs to get a bit more serious."

He awkwardly leaned back, away from the sisters. He was half bewildered by their heated conversation. Although it wasn't the first time he had witnessed it, he had still been feeling a little uncomfortable and considering leaving the room. Going to the library didn't sound so bad now.

"Um..." He looked between the sisters. "Well, I think Lunamaria has a point. Colleges are important and you need to give it a serious thought."

Meyrin's shoulders sagged, her lips still in a pout.

He hurriedly added, "But people have different priorities, I suppose. And..." His gaze dropped to his phone in his hand. On the screen, among other names, was his girlfriend's. "It's probably not bad for girls to pick her college that way. I think it's, well, girly to do so...and your boyfriend must feel happy you care about him that much."

If Cagalli were like Meyrin, his relationship with her would probably be a lot better now, perfect even, just as it had been before she had come up with the idea of going to a faraway college. He wouldn't be in this situation. He wouldn't have to distress over the prospect of long-distance relationship. ...He wouldn't have had to have such an ugly desire, realize how selfish and lowly he was. He wouldn't have to endure this suffering.

She had not just caused his recent fatigue and anguish. She had started this whole thing including the incident after his birthday party and its aftermath.

He slightly shook his head, suppressing the bitter thought. He looked up to smile at Meyrin who was blushing for some reason. "Anyway, you still have a lot of time to think about it. And just checking college information is interesting." He added helpfully, "The good thing is, you don't need to buy college guides. You can borrow them from Lunamaria."

Meyrin awkwardly nodded. He slipped his phone into his jacket pocket and grabbed his backpack as he stood up, wondering why the sisters were staring at him with weird faces. He didn't think his advice had been so unique, much less odd.

"Well, I'm going to the library. Goodbye."

Both the redheads just nodded. He walked over to a door to the corridor which was only a few seats away.

"Athrun-senpai!" He stopped to turn his head. Meyrin was half standing up from her seat, her cheeks still pink. "Th-thank you!"

He nodded and turned his face forward. Reaching out to open the door, which was slightly ajar, he heard running steps going farther as if someone had been on the other side of the door and run away, at a gallop.

He made a small disapproving frown. They weren't supposed to run in school buildings, though many students broke the rule. As he walked out into the corridor, his eyes naturally turned in the direction the running steps had gone. But whoever had run down the corridor seemed to have already passed the next classroom and turned the corner to the stairs. He didn't really care to find out who it had been anyway. He just shrugged, closing the door, and began walking down the corridor himself.

Running up the stairs at full speed, Cagalli reached the landing before the door to the roof, but didn't stop. Her feet just kept moving until she came face-to-face with the door. She almost hit her face, her body slamming into the metal door. But she felt little pain, which probably wasn't thanks to her hands she had instinctively placed against the door to cushion the impact. She just couldn't pay enough attention to the pain to properly feel it.

Her heart was still racing, hammering against her rib cage, as if it wanted to burst out of her chest and continue to go far and far and far away. Her breathing was also erratic, keeping hitching in her throat. It wasn't due to the running. She had been the ace attacker of the girls' volleyball club before the summer and still went for run almost every day.

The door was locked and she couldn't go further. She leaned against the door to slide down it to the floor, next to her backpack she had dropped seconds ago. She wanted to keep moving—running—but she couldn't go down the stairs. She might run into Athrun. She couldn't take the risk. She couldn't see him right now. She just couldn't.

This part of the staircase was used as a kind of storage. Chairs, desks, boards, and some stuff from past school festivals were piled up. People rarely came here, especially since it wasn't a preparation season for any events now. It was probably why she had unconsciously chosen to come up here instead of going to the lower floors as she always did. She remembered thinking that this place looked like a secret base or a hideout when she had carried desks up here with other students under a teacher's order.

And it was what she needed now. A place to hide. A place where she could be alone, sheltered from what was out there.

As she buried her face into her knees, what Athrun had said and done in the past few months flashed in her mind one after another. His face when she had told him about her going to Tassil University. His repeated avoidance to get to know Ahmed—who was also applying to the university and could be viewed by Athrun as a reminder of her college choice—which Athrun had been weirdly obstinate about now that she thought about it. And his words she had heard just a minute ago.

When Closing Homeroom had ended, she had not headed for the library. This weekend, volleyball clubs had a divisional championship. So she, Miriallia, and Fllay had decided to stop by at the gym to give some food and encouraging words to their juniors.

After that, they had parted ways. Since she had already gotten accepted by college and didn't have to study hard anymore, Miriallia had started helping out the girls' volleyball club, and sometimes even the boys' club, now more of a manager than a player; Fllay had a dinner date with her father in some fancy restaurant. Cagalli had been going to join the study session, but changed her mind, remembering Athrun's text saying that he would stay in his homeroom for a while to tutor Lunamaria.

It had seemed like a good opportunity to have some serious talk with him if he was still there. He had not snapped out of the low, distant mood yet; if anything, he seemed to be becoming more and more stressed. And her frustration and worry had kept increasing along with it. She had been reaching her limit and decided to push him a bit. She had also thought they could go somewhere and have fun for a change after the talk, which hopefully would cheer him up.

She had not meant to eavesdrop. But Meyrin's words that boyfriends were more important than colleges to her had somehow stopped Cagalli's hand that was reaching out for the door.

And she had heard the rest of the conversation including Athrun's words that Meyrin's boyfriend would be happy because of her college choice, of the way she chose her college, without being noticed.

It was possible that he had said the words without thinking it had anything to do with his and Cagalli's situation. However, her gut was telling her it wasn't the case. Somehow, she knew that the words had stemmed from his true feelings, that he wasn't happy about her choice of college. She couldn't explain it. She just felt it.

A logical person would probably give her a disapproving face and lecture her about how she was just making assumptions and how she should think and act more logically—like Athrun regularly did. But she wasn't a person of logic. She was more intuitive. Her intuition, or instincts, had told her to run, to avoid facing Athrun for now, told that this was the kind of matter she needed time to prepare herself before dealing with.

Thus, she had come here to hide.

What had shocked her most was that Athrun had been hiding his dissatisfaction—his unhappiness—from her. Of course, she didn't expect him to tell her everything. It wasn't the kind of person he was. However, this was about her as much as it was about him. It was about his feelings toward her. And since they had become a couple, she had expected him to be honest with her about those things, at the very least.

A sharp pain cut through her heart. Didn't he trust her? She had believed he did, even before they started dating, but had she been mistaken? Or had he stopped trusting her at some point? Now, was she a person he couldn't open his heart to?

She had been so confident about their relationship before, so certain that they could fight through anything life threw at them together. Now, however, she wasn't so sure. She was feeling like the ground was shaking, causing everything else to shake as well. Her belief about his understanding and support for her dream had been wrong. Then...wasn't it possible that her belief about their whole relationship was also wrong?

She violently shook her head, and reached for the ring under her clothes for comfort. The feel of hard metal, as sure in her fist as could be, steadied her mind a bit. Now, she was making assumptions. Many people had pointed out that she had a tendency to jump to conclusions. She shouldn't let it get the best of her, especially now. She couldn't and shouldn't produce an answer to her doubt until she talked with Athrun.

Plus, she couldn't be wrong about everything, could she? Just because one of her beliefs was wrong, it didn't have to mean the other beliefs of hers were wrong, right?

She took several deep breaths, then, her one hand still clutching the ring, fished her phone out of her jacket pocket and sent a short group text: Have to go home. This way, her friends studying in the library—and Athrun—wouldn't wonder where she was or come looking for her to somehow find her here. She would normally explain why she couldn't make it to the study session, but there wasn't enough energy in her to come up with a lie. So she quickly closed the window and put the phone back into her pocket.

Then she put her head on her arm that was draping over her knees, her other hand securely holding the ring. She needed to talk to Athrun. But not now, not today. Fortunately, today was Friday. They didn't have classes or any other plans to meet tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. She could probably get a grip on herself and gather the courage for the talk during the weekend.

But right now, she needed to hole up in this secluded corner of the building a little longer.

Thank you for reading. See you next week!

···

Below are replies to reviews.

To Fuyu Aki:

Thank you for another review!

I'm glad you liked the additional scene. I think it helps readers understand not only Athrun's sentiments about the incident but also some other stuff. And I owe the scene to you since your review led me to add it. Thanks :)

About his current avoidance of sex, Athrun became hesitant about sleeping with Cagalli not because of the risks. He was always aware of them and used precautions, and felt safe enough. What he is afraid of now is himself.

Let's imagine you and your partner have been engaging in a risky but fun activity together, like climbing cliffs several hundred meters high. You two are aware of the risk that you might fall and die in the process, so have always taken precautions to reduce the risk. But then, you get angry at your partner for some reason, and while you two are climbing another cliff, the idea of deliberately putting your partner off balance crosses your mind, which can result in your partner's death or at least severe injuries. Even if you didn't actually try to do anything, won't you still become scared that you might put the idea into action next time? Won't you feel like avoiding climbing with your partner again at least for a while? It's not that you suddenly became aware of the risk of death or injuries. Your attitude toward the activity changed because you'd lost faith in your willingness to try to avoid a bad consequence, try to keep your partner safe during the activity.

And that's more or less how Athrun is feeling about having sex with Cagalli right now. Does it make sense to you?

I guess the kiss Athrun and Cagalli were talking about in the scene of "Chain of Love" you mentioned and what Athrun thought about during sex in this fic are a bit similar. Both are about his doing something to her without her consent. Though getting a girl pregnant is a lot more serious matter than kissing a girl.

Athrun's situation or sentiments might change, even if just a bit, if he talked to someone about it. But he rarely talks about his feelings and personal affairs, much less about something he is so ashamed of.

That being said, he can't continue to keep everything secret for long, because it would just worsen the situation. Also, now Cagalli knows a part of his secret. So he has to start talking.

And good luck with your writing! This fandom certainly needs more fics. It's even better if they are AC fics :)

To PegasusInCage:

Thank you for another review!

You mean one of your reviews for this fic disappeared? Oh, no. I hope it will appear someday. I really want to read it.

I'm glad that adding Athrun's memory with his mother worked. And yeah, he's complicated. I think it's partly because he tends to avoid properly facing his emotions. And he makes things complicated by bottling up everything inside him.

Also, I'm relieved you found the M-rated scene fine. I was nervous about it because I'd never gone that far. I'd written sex-related scenes, like before and after, but not the actual part. However, that scene was necessary to the plot as you can probably see now.

*posted 03/02/19*

*edited 03/02/21*