Lachlan
"I come bearing gifts!" Kali announced as I opened the door for her. I was craving Italian food and since I beat her at mini golf on Monday, it was her treat.
I gave her a smirk. "Winning never felt so good." She put the bags of food on the table as I wrapped her in a tight hug and she reciprocated. "It smells amazing."
"Oh and it tastes even better," she raved. She went into my kitchen, trying to reach to the top shelf to grab the plates. I smiled as she stood on the tip toes of her black converse, the brim of her black sweater lifting just enough to expose the skin above her distressed jeans. I watched her struggle, huffing as she started getting annoyed that she couldn't reach. "Are you just going to be an asshole and stare or are you going to help me?" she asked with a disapproving look.
I chuckled and came up behind her, lifting her by her waist so that she could reach. She grabbed them and put them down on the counter, followed by a hard punch to my arm. "What was that for?" I asked as I rubbed my arm, a smile on my face.
"I didn't mean to pick me up. I am not a child."
"I know, you're more of a cougar, right?" I cocked my eyebrow at her, waiting for her to retaliate.
She scowled at me, grabbing some utensils and bringing them to the dining table. "First off, I'm only a year older than you," she said, flipping me off. "Second, I can't be a cougar if I'm not dating you, genius."
"But you do like me," I said while I bit my lip.
"We're not going through this again, Lachlan. Stop tempting me to take back my words." She sat at the table, serving herself a heaping plate of chicken alfredo and doing the same on my plate. I placed some garlic bread on both of our plates and served some salad on the smaller plates she grabbed.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You know I just like messing with you." We ate our food, trying to eat as civilized as possible. "Literally, fuck this." I was starving. I started shovelling food into my mouth, enjoying every last morsel as it entered my mouth. "I haven't eaten all day."
She gave me a smile, eating a little faster, joy covering her face. "Have I ever told you how much I love food? Like especially Italian food."
"No but I'm not surprised. This tastes heavenly, Kal. Thanks for the food."
"No problem at all. Plus, this means that it's your treat next time." She gave me a bright smile as she pushed back her straightened hair, her black beanie hanging on for dear life."So, about this painting you were talking about. What were you thinking?"
"Oh, yea. So I was thinking either a mural in my room or a painting in my living room or the office."
She nodded, looking around the living room. "How big were you thinking for the paintings? If you are leaning more towards the mural, which wall would you do it on?"
"We can walk around and look at the places, you can tell me the artistic aura that the rooms give to you." I laughed, knowing that without looking up she was already giving me a dirty look.
"I could just go, you know?" She threw her hands in the air and pushed her chair out, pretending to get up.
I laughed harder. "You are so dramatic. Please, stay?" I gave her my best puppy dog eyes.
She let out a loud sigh, "Fine. Just stop begging. I guess I'll stay." She pushed her chair back in, finishing the last few scraps on her plate. "Come on, hurry up. I need my artistic aura to feel the spaces."
"Fine, fine. I'm done. Let's go." I wiped my face, and got up from the table, Kali following suit. I grabbed her hand, leading her into the bedroom. "So I was thinking if we do the mural, it could be on the back wall, and my bed would like run along it. I just don't know what I would want it to be."
"Well, what if we did something that reminds you of back home? Like a skyline or something?" I saw her walk closer to the bed, ideas clearly running through her mind. "I'm sorry, I really don't know shit about Australia but I heard the Sydney skyline is beautiful, but you're not even from there, right?"
I shook my head. "I'm from Queensland, actually."
She nodded, still looking at the wall. "Yea, I have never heard of that place, but it sounds pretty."
I shrugged, memories of back home flooding my mind. "Yea, it has it's moments. Um, why don't we look at the other spots, yea?" She nodded, linking her arm in mine as we walked back out to the living room. "I was thinking if I put it out here, it could go right above the couch, kind of like the focal point of the room. So something with a bit more color than the rest of the room?"
She nodded. "No, I agree. I don't know what we would do though."
I shrugged, pulling her closer to me. "Maybe you just need to get to know me a little better."
I felt her grab onto my arm, pulling it a little bit closer to her. "You may be right about that, Power." I felt her nuzzle into the crook of my elbow, sending shivers down my spine.
We stood there for a minute, looking at the blank space in front us. I knew I would have to take her to my office and the thought made me nervous. I had never taken a girl into my office, especially one I liked, and definitely not one that watched me. I took a deep breath, knowing that it shouldn't make me this uncomfortable. Kali was different and I could trust her, right? "Next stop, shall we?" She nodded into my arm. We walked like that until we reached the door.
I froze. My hand was extended to the door knob, but I couldn't do it. "We don't have to, Lachlan. I really don't mind."
I look down at her, being met to see her deep brown eyes look up at me. "No, it's fine. Let's go." I opened the door and we walked in. My office is extremely underwhelming. I felt Kali release herself from my arms, exploring the room before us. "This is where you get to see happy Lachlan on screen at night."
"Two things again. One, I don't only watch you at night, and when I do, I'm in clothes and stuff, ok? Stop being gross." I laughed, following her as she walked around the room, passing my computer set up and towards a keyboard in the back corner of the office. "And two, I would have never guessed that you played." She sat down on the bench I have under it and started hitting a few random notes.
I nodded and sat beside her, playing a short melody. "Yea, one of the many things that I quit when I was younger. I did love it though, it's just the pressure was ridiculous."
"So you do love something," she said, cocking her eyebrow at me.
"Shut the hell up. Yes, I really do love it though. I stopped lessons but I did keep practicing and learning."
"How?" she asked, pressing more random keys.
"Youtube isn't just a place where you're lucky enough to see this charming face, you know? You can learn a lot of things on there, like how to play songs."
"Golly gee I would have never thunk it." She gave me a playful shove. "It just didn't register ok?" I smiled at her, scooting a little closer. "Could you, um, could you play me something?"
"Uh, yea. Um, let me see if I remember this." I played a few practice notes, knowing good and well I remembered how to play this song inside out. I played the opening notes to a song that I held deep to me since that fateful Sunday night over a year and a half ago.
"He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes, started making his way past 2 in the morning, he hasn't been sober for days," Kali sang next to me. The sound of her voice took me by surprise. I started playing harder, more passionately as she sang next to me. The memories from that night started flooding my mind. The vision of the ghost of a person I was, sunken eyes and purple bags under them; the fifth of vodka that was full when I entered the bathroom and completely empty when I was carried out of it; the blood that I watched flow from the gashes in my arms. "I guess I'll go home now, I guess I'll go home." We ended the song together. "That was absolutely beautiful. I would have never thought you could play like that."
"I would have never guessed that you could sing. You really can do it all. What are you, a superhero?" I said with a smile, attempting to push the memories away.
"I consider myself more an anti hero. I like doing the right things, I just may not go about them in exactly the right ways."
I laughed, remembering what happened a few days ago. "Yea, like trying to beat up an 18 year old?"
"Hey, he was being a dick! And I would have been able to take him, just saying!"
"Oh, I don't even kind of doubt that. I've felt your punches, multiple times," I said, rubbing my arm from her repeated 'playful' punches.
She stuck out her tongue at me, prompting me to give her a smile. "You didn't strike me as the kind of guy who would know how to play any All Time Low song, let alone Remembering Sunday."
"Lachlan Power: International Man of Mystery. It has a great ring to it."
"Yea, you idiot. You just stole the Austin Powers title," she laughed into her hand, forcing me to blush a little. She stopped laughing and bit her lip. "Have you ever considered, like, posting a video of you playing? Like on your channel?"
"Definitely not. You do know I run a gaming channel, yea?"
"Yes, but you vlog, too. And if I'm being honest, you do know a lot of people just watch you becuase you're funny and cute, not necessarily your gaming skills." She blushed a little when she said the last part, causing me to blush in return. "You would melt all the little fangirls' hearts, Power."
I put my hand to my chest. "Damn, and here I was just trying to melt yours." She rolled her eyes at me like I had expected. "How about this: I'll post a video of me playing, but only if you sing along with me."
"Absolutely not," she said flatly.
"Oh come on, you'd melt all the fanboys' hearts."
She looked at me like I was crazy. "I don't even have fanboys."
"But you will once you do this video with me." I gave her a toothy grin, trying to charm her as much as I can.
"What's in it for me?"
"What do you mean?"
"What's in it for me if I saw yes?" She bit her lip as she asked the question.
I looked at her trying to read her expression. She didn't seem like she was trying to use me or anything, but I didn't know what she was getting at. "What do you want?"
She thought hard before she asked the question, considering whether or not she should actually ask. She turned her body, straddling the bench between her legs to face me head on. I did the same and smirked at her, grabbing her hands in mine. She had a childlike smile on her face before she started talking. "So, I know next weekend is Christmas and I don't know what your plans are, but, on Friday, one of my friends is having an ugly Christmas sock party. I was wondering if you wanted to be my plus one."
She looked at me expectantly, awaiting my response. "Uh, I don't really know. I'm not that great meeting new people."
"It's going to be a small gathering, 15 people at most. We wouldn't have to spend the whole time there either. I leave to New York literally the next day so I wouldn't want to spend the night there anyway."
I nodded at her, watching her smile grow. "Fine, I accept your terms on one condition: I get to take you to the airport."
She smiled and hugged me. "Deal. I was just going to take an Uber anyway."
"Great. Let's get to recording, shall we?"
"That's all I have for you today!" I announced from our spots at the desk. Kali sat awkwardly next to me, smiling that beautiful smile of hers, but I knew she just wanted to run away. "If this is something you would like to see more of, leave some comments down below of songs you would like us to play! I hope you guys did enjoy. If you did, hit that like button down below and I'll catch you guys next time. Say by to the people, Kali."
"Bye guys!" she exclaimed while waving to the camera.
"Later guys!" I stopped recording and plugged the camera into my computer, opting to leave the editing for tomorrow but wanting to export the clips onto my computer now rather than later.
"You know, you said something super interesting in your outro," she said.
"Oh yea? What was that?"
"Leave some comments of what you would like us to play? I agreed to one video with you, Power. Look at you already making me regret it."
"Come on, it'll be great. You're acting like you didn't love working with me." I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, pulling her into a forced hug.
"Why am I your friend?" she groaned into my chest.
"Because I'm awesome," I said with a shrug. I checked the time on my screen and realized it was getting late. "Hey, so I'm going to St. Pete this weekend and I need to pack. Do you mind keeping me company while I do? We could watch a movie in my room so you're not deathly bored."
She stroked her chin like she was seriously considering it. "Ok, but only if I could pick the movie!" She got up and dragged me to my room, our fingers intertwined.
"Do you mind if I change into something more comfortable?" She nodded as she started searching through my Netflix. I walked to the bathroom and traded my track pants and thermal for some flannels bottoms. I grabbed an extra pair, tossing them to Kali.
"What are these for?" she asked.
"Real pants suck for guys. I could only assume they suck more for girls."
"You just spoke to my soul," she said, jumping out of my bed and darting to the bathroom. I grabbed my duffle bag from the closet and starting thinking about what to possibly bring for my weekend with Jerome and Mitch. I never know what to expect when I visit them and now that I'm 21, I'm sure they're going to want to do something wild.
My mind was quickly snapped back to the present as I watched Kali emerge from the bathroom in a tight tank top, exposing her cleavage, and my baggy pajama bottoms that were sitting low on her hips and exposing part of her midriff. They had been rolled a few times since they were so long and honestly, she looked incredibly sexy. I immediately decided packing can wait until the morning and slid into my bed next to her as she got comfortable.
"What happened to packing?" she asked with a mischievous smile, cuddling up closer to me.
"I'm a last minute packer. I'll do it in the morning," I shrugged, pulling her body closer into mine. "What are we watching?"
"It's called 'Everybody Wants Some!'. I heard it was really good," she said as she clicked onto the movie.
"I have never heard of a truer title," I said with a chuckle. "I can literally feel you roll your eyes."
"You know me too well. Now shut up and watch the movie!"
About an hour in, Kali had fell asleep in my arms. I felt her twitch every now and then and I knew she was in a deep sleep. I watched her as she slept peacefully for a few moments before I felt myself fall as well. The last thing I remember thinking was how determined I was to make her mine one day.
Kali
"Alrighty guys, what's going on? It is Lachlan here and today, we are doing something very different." Lachlan began doing his signature opening as I sat beside him, trying my best to look as natural as possible. "I'm joined here today by my new friend, Kali."
"Sup Youtube!" I said into the camera, trying to act as normal as possible.
He looked at me, giving me such a genuine smile. "Kali here has convinced me to do something very different than I usually put on this channel. So, a little known fact about me is that I know how to play the piano. It's something that's very personal to me and I'd like to share it with you all. So we'll be covering All Time Low's Remembering Sunday. Hope you enjoy!
He started playing and I began singing with him when the song called for it. He played with so much passion and emotion. I could see the tears forming in his eyes again, causing me to put my hand gently on his knee and give him a reassuring squeeze. I made it halfway through the third verse and the song was reaching the climax. "Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor to find my whoever, wherever she may be," I sang.
"I'm not going back," I head Lachlan sing beside me, taking me completely by surprise. I let him sing that portion of the song, performing the backup vocals to the verse. "I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair."
"And out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world," I had continued, seeing that Lachlan was now completely immersed in the piece.
We finished off the piece, both of us pausing to collect ourselves. Before I knew what was happening, he broke down into tears beside me. I pulled him into me, holding him tight. "Hey, don't cry. What's wrong? Talk to me."
"I don't think I can do this." He said in between his sobs.
"Do what? What don't you think you can do?" I straddled the bench once more and pulled him sideways into my chest. I gently rubbed his back and pulled his head under my chin, doing my best to comfort him.
"I can't post this. It reminds me too much of my accident." He paused, processing his thoughts before speaking again. "I learned this song because of my accident."
I gently wiped his tears away the best I could, rocking his body into me as I tried to soothe the beautiful and broken creature beside me. "We won't do anything that you don't want to, love. I'm not gonna push you to. We could delete the whole video right now if you'd like, or we could save it as something just for us. Whatever ever you want to do, ok?"
I felt his left arm wrap around my waist, his sobs beginning to slow down just a little. "Will you, um, come lay with me for a little bit?
I nodded against his head and felt him start to pull away, prompting me to let go and take his hand as he got up. We walked over to his room and he guided me to the center of his bed. I followed him, laying down as he began to remove his thermal shirt, exposing his bare arms and chest. He came into the bed and cuddled up next to me, laying his head directly into my shoulder and pulling my body closer to him.
"Kali, I trust you more than I've trusted anyone, and it's taken me awhile to come to terms with that. I'm accepting it now, though, because I realize it's because you understand me on a different level than my friends or family ever could. The thing is though, you're so incredibly different than me, too. You have this passion and strength in you. You're a fighter. You're everything I want to be, Kali." He wasn't looking at me as he spoke. His eyes were closed as he mindlessly played with the sleeve of my sweater.
"I'm really nothing special, I swear," I said, playing with his blonde hair.
"You are though. You're so giving and thoughtful. I feel like all I've ever been is selfish. I hate myself for that."
I felt tears stinging my eyes as he spoke. I wrapped my arm around him, trying to bring him closer than he already was. "Don't ever apologize for being selfish. If I wore more selfish back then, I would be a completely different person. I wouldn't have had put myself in the position of wanting to die. I wish I could be more selfish, because this giving and thoughtful lifestyle has given me more problems than anything else."
I could feel he had stopped crying. He looked up at me, his eyes red and still glassy. "What do you mean? How would being selfish had changed anything?"
I shook my head, pushing away the thoughts and images of that night. "It just would have."
"You don't have to be strong for me all the time, Kal. Let me be strong for you right now." He moved his hand to cup my face gently, exposing his cuts and scars on the process. I was reminded that he genuinely felt comfortable with me, knowing that he doesn't let anyone see his arms, not even his closest friends and family.
I sighed, knowing that he was right, that I should let him be there for me. "Fine, but I may ugly cry, so please don't judge me."
I meant it in a joking manner, but I watched his eyes soften as he looked at me. "I couldn't do that if I wanted to."
I felt my breath hitch, seeing him show so much compassion and concern in that moment. He really was very different than I expected him to be, and it's fair to say that I like this Lachlan much more than the one I see through the screen.
I let out a sigh, knowing that he would just be another person who knew my story, but he would be one of the few who heard it from me. Something about that sense of control pushed me to speak. "I was super involved when I came here for school. My freshman year, I was part of a multicultural leadership board, on the hunger and homelessness volunteer committee for the school, did Habitat for Humanity, and even got involved with the Food Not Bombs chapter in Orlando. I loved being busy and doing these things, because I loved helping people who truly needed it. It was great being so involved, but I felt like I never truly belonged if that makes sense. I wanted to find a sense of home.
"I eventually found this Latina women organization and fell in love. The people were so different and lively and what they stood for was everything that was important to me. I joined and to this day, it was one of the best decisions I had ever made. The following spring semester, I dropped all of the other clubs and put all my time and focus into this one. It was new and was really small, but I loved it. I was the one everyone would depend on and I would pick up everyone else's slacking, making their responsibilities my own.
"With everything I had put on my plate, my grades started slipping drastically over the course of that year. I went from a near 4.0 my first semester, to a 2.2 and a 1.8. I was always good in school, I had to be. My family was the model family for my cousins. We were the ones that got out of the bad neighborhood and made something of ourselves. Seeing how far I was slipping put even more pressure on me. I wasn't going to be perfect in my family's eyes anymore and I didn't know what to do. I started getting really bad anxiety attacks and I felt myself spiraling out of control. That's why I started cutting, and it helped, but only for so long.
"The thoughts started jumping around in my head December of 2013. I had slowly started convincing myself that my parents would hate me once they found out how terrible I'd been doing. I told myself everyone would be better without me. You know, that's rent and tuition for one kid my parents wouldn't have to deal with. I knew they would miss me, but I convinced myself that they would eventually move on."
I looked down at Lachlan as he listened intently. His mouth was in a tight line as he watched me speak. I hated having people see me this way, and I hated even more seeing the look of pity on their face. As I watched him, though, I could tell it wasn't pity in his eyes, it was hurt. Why did he look so hurt?
I pushed the thought to the side, getting to the part of the story I hated talking about. "It was January 5th, 2014, the Sunday before classes started. I had just gotten back to my apartment that Friday and was already feeling super anxious. I couldn't do it anymore. I wrote a note for each one of my parents, brother, and sister. I told them how much I loved them, but how I felt it was the best for everyone if I just left. I prepared a will, not that I had many possessions, but I wanted to make sure I would be given the funeral that I would have wanted, and, well, you know what happened then."
Lachlan laid in silence for a moment, taking in what I had told him. He looked out at the wall in front of him and I couldn't quite read what his expression was saying. "How were you found? Like did anyone suspect that something was wrong?"
"Well, my now roommate, Analys, had tried calling me nonstop. We had plans that I forgot about, and everyone knew I was constantly on my phone so it was weird that I wouldn't pick up. She got worried that maybe I had slipped or something in the shower so she got old roommate to open the door for her. No one was expecting to see what had actually happened."
"So none of your friends knew you cut or anything?" he asked, clearly surprised.
I just shook my head. "You're not the only one that can put on a happy act for the people he cares about," I said with a sad smile. I hadn't noticed the tears falling from my eyes until I felt him wipe them away. "
"Don't cry, beautiful," he said softly.
I chuckled lightly. "Please don't call me that."
"You are though. You are the most beautiful person inside and out that I have ever met." He looked deep into my eyes and I could feel my a blush come across my face. "And I've met a lot of people." He smiled at his lame attempt at a joke.
"And the moment is gone," I said smiling down at him.
"Wait, what? We were having a moment? Let's run that back one more time," he said, pulling me lower so that we were now face to face with each other. "Hey there, beautiful."
I playfully shoved him. "Go away," I said, laughing as I smushed his face. I felt him bite my hand lightly. "Ouch!"
"It's not nice to smush people. You may be beautiful but God you're mean."
"Beauty and a bitch. I rate it. If I had social media, I'd definitely make it my bio." I ran my hand against his arms, my eyes not able to stop glancing down at his muscles on his body.
"Why do you keep doing that?" He asked watching my hand move up and down his arm.
"Do what?"
"Why do you keep touching the scars?" He had a serious look on his face, not like he was upset, but instead like he genuinely wanted to know.
"It makes me feel closer to you," I whispered, not realizing that's the reason I was doing it until I had said it. I stopped moving my hands on him and pulled back. He looked at me quizzically, wondering what I was doing. I pulled off my sweater, exposing the tight camisole I had under and more importantly, my scar covered arms. "I want you to feel closer to me too."
I heard his breath catch in his breath, his eyes wandering from my face to my arms and to other places I was going to pretend I didn't notice. He watched me closely as I came back to him in his bed and laid close to him. His hands began exploring my arms, examining the marks as they continued to heal. "You know, I haven't cut since Sunday."
I looked at him with a smile. "Really? I'm happy for you."
He nodded slowly, biting his lip mindlessly as he thought. "It's been years since I started. It's kind of insane to think about. I started cutting in high school and years later, I still do it." He looked back at me, his eyes growing darker. "I remember the first time I cut. My home room teacher had asked me to stay after class to talk about the F I had gotten on a test. All she did was complain about how I was nothing like my sister and how my younger brother had more potential than me. As I was on my way home, the main guy that bullied me, Eric, started saying some really shitty stuff and beat the crap out of me. The pressure of that day was too much. I went home and took scissors to my wrist. It was the most in control I had ever felt up to that moment.
"It just got worse the older I got. I had the pressure from my parents to do better so that I could go to university, but that wasn't something I wanted at the time. Believe it or not, it got worse when I started Youtube. My parents were on my case, telling me that I wasn't focused on the right thing; people in school would call me fake and a fame seeker and they just used it as another reason to make fun of me.
"The feeling of constant disappointment was killing me, literally. I started drinking a lot. It got to the point where I would go to school drunk and bring it with me in water bottles. It was bad. Do you know how hard it was to pretend to be sober during those videos? I should get an award." He smirked a little, the look of remembrance still on his face.
"I really would have never guessed. You always looked so happy. I always wished I could have experienced a day with you just so I could take a break from my life," I said truthfully, thinking back to nights I would stay up and imagine adventuring around with this once stranger all the way across the world. The idea seemed silly back then, but now it's my reality.
He placed a kiss on my forehead, "It would have made things a lot easier. You know, you would have probably swooped in to keep me company just in time to stop me from doing this," he said motioning to the deep, jagged scars on both his arms.
"What do you mean?" I asked, not putting the pieces together quick enough.
"Three months after you discovered me on Youtube, I was wandering into my bathroom with a fifth of vodka and a 'I'm better off dead' attitude.I chugged it, all of it. I crashed the bottle against the bathroom mirror, being sickened by the person I was. It shattered to pieces, but there was this one piece that caught my attention. It was big and jagged. My arms started itching, the desire to cut overwhelming me. I took the glass and slid it deep along my next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital, my siblings and parents crying along my bed. I'm told my brother found me in the bathroom. Now I can't look at him without being guilty that I had scarred him for life. Sunday, April 19th, 2015: a day that basically defines me."
"It doesn't have to though. It's just a chapter in the very long journey of Lachlan," I said, trying to lighten the mood just a little, though it didn't seem that he was bothered to be talking about his past.
"You're right. I feel like I'm changing for the better. You know, I made a deal that if a certain someone makes me smile or laugh at least five times a day, I won't cut that night." He looked at me, biting his lip. "It's been effective I think."
I slid my hand down his arm until our hands met, tracing his fingers with my own. "What an interesting idea."
He pulled me closer so that we were chest to chest. He pulled our hands so that they were by our faces. "Yea, some hot cougar told me about it." He smiled and held me tighter, knowing I would hit him if I had the ability to.
I rolled my eyes at him. "God you're such a dick!"
He smiled at me, not loosening his grip until the look of realization crossed his face. "Fuck! Remembering Sunday just reminded me of Remembering Sunday. We need to finish the video." He groaned, making me laugh hysterically. "I don't feel like putting on a shirt."
"Come on," I said as I peeled myself from his grip. "Let's finish it up quickly and then you can take your shirt off all you want." I pulled my sweater back on, walking towards his mirror to adjust my beanie since I was starting to get bed head. "And fix your hair before the fan girls burn me at the stake because they assume I was the one that messed up your hair doing some not very G rated things."
He pulled his shirt on and came up next to me in the mirror. "Some not very G rated things, huh? I don't know how you expect me not to be a perv," he said with a cheeky smile, rustling his hair around until he eventually just went and grabbed a hat from his closet and popped it on.
I woke up in the middle of the night extremely disoriented. It was dark and I knew I wasn't in my room. I felt arms holding me tight, and looked to see that it was Lachlan. He slept so soundly next to me and it was hard to look away. I closed my eyes, not wanting to feel like I was being creepy by staring. I contemplated whether I should leave now or wait until the morning, deciding that I should stay so I wouldn't disrupt his sleep. What I didn't want to admit to myself was that I loved the feeling of sleeping in his arms, and it only hurt me more knowing that it could never go anywhere.