English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
Season of Farewell
Chapter 10: The Blind Spot
His phone began buzzing and Athrun removed his eyes from his Physics study guide and craned his neck to see the name on the screen, his hand reaching out. But the hand stopped mid-course. While he was debating whether to answer the call in his head, keeping the hand in the air, his phone returned to silence.
His relief was brief for the phone quickly came to life again, the same name and face on the screen. With a resigned sigh, he tapped the phone. Kira would probably keep calling until Athrun answered. The brunet could be quite stubborn and persistent when he felt like it. Then, Athrun might as well save time for both of them.
"Hello," he said cautiously.
"Are you at home?" Kira asked bluntly.
Athrun frowned. "Why are you asking?"
"Just answer me," Kira said impatiently. "Are you at your house?"
Athrun gave a sigh, exaggerating it a little. "Yes, I am."
Today was Saturday and they had no class in school. He had a class in cram school in the evening, but it was still mid-afternoon. He was meaning to study in his own room for a few more hours.
"Good. We'll be there in twenty minutes. Or twenty-five. Bye."
"Wh—wait."
But Kira had already hung up on him. Athrun stared at his phone with slight annoyance until it hit him. Hadn't Kira said "we"? Was Cagalli coming with him?
He stood up, suddenly restless. A part of him didn't want to talk with her; another part of him couldn't wait to see her. He had not really talked with her, or her brother for that matter, for about a month.
Since the first day of high school when they had met, he and Cagalli had always had lunch together at the school cafeteria, along with Kira and their other friends. After the fight, however, he had stopped going to the cafeteria. He couldn't bear sitting there with her and pretending they were fine or ignoring each other for nearly an hour every day while their friends were chatting merrily or sending worried glances to them.
He bought some food on his way to school and ate them at his homeroom along with his classmates who brought lunchboxes or bought food in stores like him.
He had sat alone for the first several days, but then, Nicol had joined him. His green-haired friend had not asked him anything about why Athrun wasn't eating at the cafeteria or about his fight with Cagalli; he had just come to Athrun's homeroom in the beginning of lunchtime along with his own food and asked with a smile whether he could eat with Athrun, then kept acting as usual though he was clearly being careful not to mention Cagalli. Although he felt bad about troubling Nicol like that, Athrun was grateful for his presence, for the distraction Nicol offered.
The only times he had interacted with Cagalli were when they passed each other in a corridor, awkwardly exchanging greetings. He had sometimes caught her looking at him longingly, clearly wanting to talk to him. But he had never shown his willingness; she had never pushed.
The situation between him and Kira was similar. Kira seemed to want to talk to him, sometimes looking at him from distance with a frown. But he had not approached Athrun until today, maybe because his sister had asked him not to intervene.
The finals they had had last week had not helped, though Athrun was actually thankful for the exams. They had given him a recent goal he could focus on, a good distraction he needed.
Besides, he didn't know what to say to Cagalli even if he tried to talk with her. If she had changed her mind about her college choice, she must have come to him to say so. Their situation had not changed a bit. Then what was there for them to talk about? They would just end up having another fight or an awkward silence, both of which he wanted to avoid.
He knew blowing up like he had during the fight and avoiding her like he was doing were dangerous. They were exactly the things he shouldn't do in order not to lose her, things an ideal boyfriend would never do. But then, what other choice did he have? He couldn't go back to pretending. It was too painful. It would be even harder to put back the mask on now that he had revealed his true feelings to her. He didn't think he could pull it off. He didn't think he wanted to even try.
To be honest, he had been feeling somewhat relieved and relaxed since the fight with her. His distress had decreased to an extent. He didn't have to worry about what he said and did, how he acted around her, anymore. He didn't have to hear her talk about Tassil or Ahmed with a smile or at least a calm face, or offer words of support and encouragement he didn't want to say anymore. He didn't exhaust himself trying to maintain the facade anymore.
It wasn't like he wanted to continue this cold war with her, but it was her decision, wasn't it? She was the one who still clung to the idea of leaving him behind, the one who kept hurting him. Unless her attitude didn't change, there was nothing he could do or would do.
At the same time, he missed reading and replying to her texts about most random things, listening to her talking about trivial everyday stuff, helping her with her studies and watching her face light up when she finally got the right answer, holding her hand, caressing her head, and kissing her hair and cheeks and lips. He missed her.
He tried not to get his hopes up, but he couldn't help thinking this sudden visit might be a good sign. She might be coming around despite her stubbornness. She might be finally seeing his point, understanding his feelings.
Thoughts and emotions swirling in him, he went downstairs. It was appropriate to prepare some drinks for guests. In the kitchen, he automatically grabbed three bottles of lemon-flavored sparkling water, then stopped for a moment. On his way to the living room, his eyes were on the bottles. He didn't drink it when alone, and after Cagalli had stopped coming to his house, the number of the bottles had stopped decreasing as well. The reason why he had started to buy a box of it in the first place was for Cagalli, because she liked the lemon flavor.
Placing the bottles on the living room table, he turned on the air conditioner in the room. Then he took out his phone from his rear pocket. It was less than five minutes since Kira's call. He glanced around the room, looking for something else to do. It would be more polite if he offered some food along with drinks. But he didn't stock snacks, only protein bars, and some bananas. They didn't seem fit.
He went back to the kitchen to check in case he had forgotten something. There were canned fruits and cereals, but they didn't seem suitable either. Letting out a sigh, he gave up. The twins would request something specific, or get it themselves, anyway if they were hungry. It was probably better to just wait for their arrival.
So he returned to the living room and sat on the sofa to check his phone every now and then. Approximately twenty-three minutes later since Kira had called, the doorbell rang. Slowly, he walked to the door, his heart rate increasing with anticipation. He opened the door to find someone completely unexpected.
"Hello, Athrun," Lacus cheerfully said as he stared at her with widened eyes.
"Ah...hello," he managed.
"Hey," Kira curtly said from next to her, his face a couple of shades darker than usual with no hint of smile, though it wasn't surprising.
"...Hey."
Athrun's eyes quickly searched around them, but there wasn't anyone else to be seen, only a familiar car on the street which must have brought the couple here.
As he was suppressing a sigh of disappointment, Lacus opened her mouth again.
"Do you mind if we come in, Athrun?"
"Oh, sure."
He stepped back, motioning them to follow him.
The couple seated themselves in the living room while he went to the dining room to get a large plate at Lacus's request. As he placed the plate on the living room table, she thanked him, opening a basket she and Kira had brought. She first took a wet hand towel out of the basket to wipe her hands, then started to take out small sandwiches to put them on the plate in three piles, which baffled Athrun a little. He had not expected them to bring food.
"Those are ham sandwiches. These are cucumber ones. And they are egg ones," she explained, motioning toward each pile. He nodded, taking a seat next to the couch the couple was sitting on. After moving the three bottles of sparkling water in each person's direction and placing three wet hand towels next to the bottles, Lacus clapped her hands.
"Let's eat, shall we? Kira, would you like a ham sandwich? How about you, Athrun? Which one would you like?"
Glancing at each other, he and Kira wiped their hands with a hand towel, then reached for a sandwich: he an egg one; Kira a ham one. Lacus picked up a cucumber one.
"So...why are you here?" Athrun asked after swallowing the first bite.
They couldn't have come to just feed him, could they? Though he didn't exactly put it past the pinkette. But Kira must have a better reason to visit Athrun after their lack of communication for about a month.
Kira and Lacus looked at each other, and after a little, Lacus opened her mouth. "I had some free time this afternoon, so I invited Kira to my house for tea. We were talking, and thought we might come and talk with you."
Athrun just looked at her, still puzzled.
"You've heard about Cagalli crying after she had a fight with you, right?" Kira cut in.
Athrun shifted his eyes to the brunet, but soon looked away. Indeed, he had heard. There had been rumors about the incident going around in their school. He knew that because some people had asked him about the rumors. Cagalli was friendly and popular, and she and he were a rather famous couple. Some of the people who had confronted him had been clearly blaming him for her crying.
Of course, Athrun had never told anyone what had happened—even Nicol, who had never asked anyway—just dismissing politely and coldly those who had the nerve to ask him about it. It was quite irritating that those people acted as if they had any right to meddle in his and Cagalli's affairs.
He couldn't say the same thing about Kira, though. The brunet wasn't just his best friend, but Cagalli's brother. Although he still didn't like it, Athrun couldn't expect Kira to completely stay out of this.
"I never saw her so devastated." Kira's voice was flat, but there was clear anger underneath. "What happened?"
"If you want to know, just ask Cagalli," Athrun returned, still not looking at his friend.
"I did."
Kira didn't elaborate and a tense silence enveloped them, but it was soon broken by a clear, melodious voice.
"I did not hear it from Cagalli-san herself. But according to Kira, she said you two had had a fight because you were not happy about her going to Tassil and were angry that she had not discussed the matter with you before making the decision.
"We would like to hear your side of the story." Lacus smiled at Athrun, as if encouraging him to talk.
He sighed. "There isn't 'my side.' That's pretty much it."
"But I thought you supported her," Kira said with confusion. "I get that you wanted her to talk to you about it earlier, but why are you so upset? It's been a month. Cagalli's even worried you...well, she's worried."
But not enough, Athrun bitterly thought. Even if Cagalli was worried about his attitude, about their relationship, it wasn't enough for her to change her mind. It was just a reminder that he or their relationship wasn't important enough to her.
Trying to mask his distress, he ran his left hand over his face, for his right one was holding his sandwich, before replying, "I tried to support her. But...you know long-distance relationships are difficult, likely to fail."
Kira fell silent, a thoughtful crease on his forehead.
After a moment, Lacus said, "Cagalli-san does not seem to want to fight with you."
"I don't want to fight, either," Athrun said with irritation. "But she still wants to go, doesn't she?"
Did Lacus think he wanted this? Did Cagalli? He and Cagalli wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if she was just a little more...loving.
He thinned his lips, then averted his eyes in embarrassment. "Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude," he said in a low voice.
He didn't really mind revealing his emotions or even losing his temper if it was just Kira who was here. It wasn't like he and Kira had never had an argument or a fight.
But Lacus was a different matter. Despite knowing her for nearly six years, he had never felt close enough to her. Their friendship had been mostly based on the friendship between their parents, and later, on her relationship with Kira.
"There is no need to apologize," Lacus said reassuringly, and after a thoughtful pause, added innocently, "Have you ever imagined what you would do if it was the opposite?"
Seeing his puzzled face, she elaborated, "Would you give up going to the college of your first choice to be around Cagalli-san?"
He slightly knitted his eyebrows. Such a thought had never occurred to him. "It wouldn't be the same."
She tilted her head. "Why not?"
"Because...she is a girl."
"She is."
"And I'm a guy."
"Indeed you are."
"So...it's different," he finished, feeling uncomfortable. What he had just said was more or less what he thought. But it felt like it had come out wrong, like he had said something wrong.
"Why is it?"
He gave Lacus a blank face.
"Why is it different?" She sounded a little like she was talking to a child, her smile unchanging.
Frowning, he replied, "It's...just how it is."
"I see," she said before elegantly lifting her bottle and taking a sip.
"So what you mean is..." Athrun started a little with surprise. He had almost forgotten there was the third person in the room, partly because Kira's presence was just so familiar. "...you wanna make Cagalli give up her dream for you even though you'd never give up your dream for her?" Kira looked half scowling, half amazed. "What do you think she is? Someone lower than you?"
Athrun's frown deepened. "That's not—"
"No? What did you mean then?" Kira asked in a cold voice.
Athrun tightly pressed his lips together with annoyance and frustration, unsure what to say. It wasn't what he had meant, was it? He wasn't looking down on Cagalli or anything. It was just...it was a fact that guys and girls, men and women, were different; so, it wouldn't be the same if the situation was reversed. He wasn't saying or doing anything wrong...was he?
Kira apparently disagreed with him, and didn't seem willing to let the subject slide, either.
"Just imagine what you'd feel if Cagalli demanded you to give up going to the college of your first choice, going to FMU. You of all people should be able to understand her feelings." The brunet paused, probably for effect. "Or do you think it's nothing to her just because she's a girl? When it's so...unthinkable to you because you're a guy?"
"Just because she loves you, it does not mean she would not feel pain, or she could be happy doing it," Lacus said agreeingly.
"I know it's not easy," Athrun said defensively.
Of course he knew giving up going to Tassil was hard for Cagalli. He had seen how excited and enthusiastic she was about the idea. That was why he had tried to support her decision in the first place. Just because he understood it, though, it didn't mean he could accept it.
"But there are girls who don't mind giving up a college she wants to go to for the sake of her relationship," he continued.
He actually didn't know for sure, but if there were girls who chose her college because of her boyfriend, there must be girls like that as well.
"We're not talking about girls," Kira returned sharply. "We're talking about Cagalli. And you."
Athrun turned confused eyes to the brunet. But Cagalli was a girl. Granted, she was not a girly girl and maybe not really a normal kind of girl, but still.
With a frown which was nearly a glare, Kira held Athrun's gaze for a moment before releasing a frustrated sigh. The brunet massaged his temple as if Athrun was causing him a headache, which fueled Athrun's annoyance. Between him and Kira, or him and anyone for that matter, he had almost always been the one who made the gesture, and he really didn't like the reversed positions. He sent Kira an offended look, which the brunet either ignored purposefully or didn't notice at all.
"I do not think what you wish for and what makes you happy are determined by your gender, or they should be."
At the voice, Athrun diverted his attention from Kira to Lacus who calmly added, "And voluntarily making sacrifices and being forced to do so are very different things, are they not?"
He made a frown. Making sacrifices. Was that what this was about? Was he forcing Cagalli to make sacrifices?
Of course this was about sacrifices. It was what she needed to do for the sake of their relationship even if it was tough. That was what sacrifice was, wasn't it? Everyone made sacrifices for something: the right thing, justice, job, family, friends, or romantic relationships. Like he had tried to support her dream even if it hurt him. He had made some sacrifices for her and for their relationship as he should. So she should make some as well, shouldn't she?
But then...Lacus was probably right. Forced sacrifices weren't the same as voluntary sacrifices. And it might not be right to force someone to make sacrifices. Then again, did it mean he should be the only one who made sacrifices? It didn't seem right. Plus, wasn't making sacrifices more like a duty? Not something optional, not something you were free to pass if you didn't like it.
As if reading his thoughts, Lacus continued, "Sacrifices for what you yourself want and those for what someone you care about wants are not the same, either. Though we often mistake one for the other."
His frown deepened. Her words sounded right, but were confusing at the same time. Was she insisting that he was making a mistake? That this was his fault? Had she come here to accuse him after all?
He slightly narrowed his eyes at her. His indignation probably registered in his face, but she simply looked back at him with a serene expression. He somehow felt as if there was nothing he could do to disturb the calm even a little, which wasn't a pleasant feeling.
Under his gaze, Lacus suddenly covered her mouth with a hand. "My, we had better eat, though. The sandwiches would go dry otherwise. We most certainly should not let that happen. It will be disrespectful to Mrs. Alice."
She gave him a sweet, almost angelic smile. "What do you think of the one you are having, Athrun? It is good just like her other dishes, is it not?"
Taken aback, he looked at his sandwich, at Lacus, and then, at Kira. This wasn't the first time he had witnessed the pinkette's sudden change of manner, as if she switched from one personality to the other in a blink of an eye. But he wasn't comfortable with it. It made him feel doubtful about his own perception and ideas.
Kira didn't seem to be fazed by his girlfriend's behavior, though. The brunet just looked at her, slightly tilting his head. She smiled, as if telling him something without words.
Kira soon nodded agreeingly. "You're right. And these sandwiches are too good for that," he said before pushing the rest of his into his mouth.
Resuming the meal, the couple looked at Athrun.
"Do you prefer a new one? Your sandwich is already dry perhaps?" Lacus asked. Both she and Kira appeared as if everything was normal, as if they had not abruptly shifted from talking—or rather arguing—to eating. Not that Athrun would have wanted to continue the conversation, but still.
Perplexed, Athrun shook his head. "No, this is fine," he answered before bringing the sandwich in his hand to his mouth, which felt like the only thing he could do at the moment.
"How about trying cucumber ones?" Lacus suggested as Kira's hand started floating over the sandwiches in search for his next one. "Mrs. Alice invented a new filling. It is even more delicious than the previous one."
"Hm, I can certainly try." Kira picked up one cucumber sandwich and took a bite to thoughtfully chew it. "Yeah, it's good. I don't think I've ever eaten a better cucumber dish."
Lacus's smile looked satisfied. "Yes. Mrs. Alice is such a wonderful cook."
Kira grinned. "Yeah, her dishes make me want to move in your house right now."
Lacus giggled. "My, there seems to be more reasons for me to appreciate her. Perhaps I should ask her to teach me more cooking so that I would not have any problem after I get married?" She teasingly smiled at her boyfriend.
Kira smiled back fondly. "It seems like a good idea, but I think your cooking is already excellent. I wouldn't have any complaints, I'm sure."
They shared a gleeful laugh, snuggling against each other.
Silently listening to them complimenting Lacus's housekeeper—and flirting—Athrun suppressed a sigh. They seemed to have forgotten his presence, or the conversation they had wanted to have so much that they invited themselves to his house, in which they still were by the way. He could never understand this couple, he was sure. With longing, the thought of his girlfriend who was an open book and not so puzzling despite her quickly changing moods crossed his mind. But he quickly pushed it to the back of his mind.
"By the way, Athrun." Lacus turned to him, finally having remembered his presence.
Or maybe she, and Kira, had never forgotten about him. Athrun wasn't sure which was better: that they had started flirting because they had forgotten he was still with them, or that they had been flirting while being perfectly aware he was there and witnessing it. The best way, the most likely way to make him feel better, was probably to forget about the flirting altogether. It was how he usually coped with this couple anyway.
"You are still coming to my concert, I hope?" she continued. He looked at her blankly. "The Christmas concert at Reverend Malchio's children's home," she reminded him.
"Ah...right." He hurriedly pulled out the memory. "It's on the next Saturday, isn't it?"
"Yes. From five p.m."
The concert was on the next day after school ended, a few days before actual Christmas; usually, it was the day he left for his grandparents' house to spend Christmas there. Since Lacus had invited him to her concert this year, though, he had told his grandparents that he would arrive one day late.
Actually, she had been inviting him for several years, but he had kept declining the invitation, using his visit to his grandparents as an excuse. He wasn't a big fan of music; he often felt sleepy while listening to it, though he tried hard not to doze off. He had not wanted to be a rude person who slept at his friend's concert.
However, this Christmas was the first one he and Cagalli were spending as a couple, and since they would be busy studying, he had decided to attend the concert so that he could spend more time with her while doing something other than studying. He had also hoped that Cagalli's enthusiasm would affect him and prevent him from snoozing; from what he had heard, she was always excited at the concert.
It had been all before he had had a fight with Cagalli, of course. Now, he regretted the decision. He was reluctant to see Cagalli; the conversation he had just had with Kira and Lacus had somehow strengthened the feeling. And there would be many witnesses including strangers. At the same time, he didn't want to do an impolite thing like breaking his promise at the last minute for a selfish reason.
So, he begrudgingly nodded. "Sure. I'll be there."
Lacus smiled. "That is wonderful. I am sure Nicol-san will be happy as well." His green-haired friend was accompanying her on the piano at the concert. "And I am sure this year's concert will be quite better with his help."
"That sounds good," Kira chimed in, eating an egg sandwich. "I'm looking forward to it since I'm rather stressed recently. Like the thing with my dad." He glanced at Athrun. "He's still bugging me about applying to medical college. We had an argument again last week."
As Lacus comfortingly stroked Kira's shoulder, Athrun hesitantly offered, hoping he wasn't misreading Kira's signal, "Sorry to hear that."
Kira nodded. "Yeah. Thanks." His face then shifted as if he was weighing what he was going to say.
After a moment, he continued, "The worst part is, you know, he doesn't really care about me. He just wants a son who meets his expectations. I don't think he'd be pestering me like this if he had another son who did everything he wanted him to do. A 'perfect' son who meets his ideal."
Athrun sent his best friend an empathetic and consoling look. "Yeah, I understand the feeling."
Oddly, Kira looked a little disappointed as if Athrun's reply had been different from what he had expected and he wanted to say something about it. But then, he glanced at Lacus and slightly lifted his shoulders. "Well, I just hope he'll give up soon."
Athrun just nodded without inquiring about Kira's strange reaction. If Kira didn't want to talk more about his father, Athrun had no intention of making him.
"I will do my best so that you can forget about your worries and relax at least during the concert," Lacus said soothingly, smiling at Kira.
Kira smiled back at her. "I'm sure I'll be totally at ease at the concert."
Their conversation shifted to stories from past concerts, some of which Athrun had heard and others he hadn't. He and Kira didn't directly talk to each other much, and their exchanges were hardly normal, not nearly as friendly or comfortable as usual. But they didn't ignore each other, either, and were civil to each other.
After a while, Lacus looked at a clock on the wall. "Oh my, it has already been an hour. We probably should not take up more of your time." She turned her face back to him. "It was nice to talk to you, Athrun. In fact, it is always good to talk to someone important to you, is it not?" she said with a smile. "Some things cannot be understood or resolved until you talk to each other, after all."
He glanced at Kira who glanced back and then said in a low voice, "Cagalli wants to talk with you, too. It's...really hard for her you've been avoiding her." Kira didn't exactly sound angry, but seemed to be suppressing his emotions.
Athrun averted his eyes. He didn't doubt Kira's words, but still couldn't promise he would talk to her soon.
Silence filled the room for a while, then Lacus opened her mouth. "I wonder what I should do with them." She touched the plate on which few sandwiches were left, tilting her head. "Athrun, do you mind my leaving them? Perhaps, you could eat them for a snack later."
"Ah...no, it's okay." He nodded. "I probably will."
"That is good." She touched her hands in front of her chest, palm to palm. "Then shall we go, Kira?"
"Yeah." Kira let out a quiet breath. "I guess we better."
She placed her and Kira's bottles of sparkling water and three hand towels into her basket before standing up. Kira followed suit, taking the basket from her hand. As they were putting on their coats and scarves which had been hung inside the closet near the entrance, Lacus looked at Athrun with a thoughtful expression.
"It is difficult to make decisions concerning what you care about. You do not want to make a mistake and lose what is important to you, so you vacillate. No matter how tough it is, however, the effort you make is necessary and worthwhile." Her smile was enigmatic. "Everything you care to have takes work after all. Therefore, you should not just give up and stop trying. Although you are the one to decide what is worth your effort. You are the only one who truly knows the answers. Do you not agree, Athrun?"
He looked back at her with confusion for a moment, then politely said, "I guess so."
Her words sounded right, but he wasn't sure why she had suddenly started talking about it. Did it have anything to do with their earlier conversation, the fight between him and Cagalli? Or had she just felt like saying it? He simply couldn't tell.
Talking to Lacus sometimes felt like solving a riddle. He liked trying to solve problems, but not when it came to people. People problems were less likely to be logically solved, if it was solvable to begin with. It was better and reasonable to keep his desire to solve for riddles properly created or practical problems and just leave other people be. And the pinkette was much harder to understand than average.
He glanced to see Kira's reaction. Kira was nodding, his hands buttoning up his coat, seemingly admiring Lacus instead of wondering where his girlfriend's words had come from. The brunet probably just didn't care. That might be why Kira could manage to be in a relationship with Lacus whose behavior was often peculiar, if not her words.
Kira suddenly looked in his direction and their eyes clashed.
"Just think about Cagalli's feelings, okay? And don't say, 'But she's a girl' again," Kira warned.
Athrun looked away, tightening his lips, perfectly knowing where the words had come from this time and not wanting to reply.
Kira paused, then his voice turned quieter. "You should look at Cagalli, Athrun. Not a girl, but Cagalli. I thought...we thought you were doing it."
Athrun glanced, puzzled. Kira didn't look angry or annoyed. Instead, his face was now sad and disappointed, and it was actually more disturbing. As much as he didn't understand what Kira was talking about, what Kira was expecting, or had expected, him to do, Athrun felt a little guilty, even though he had not when Kira, and assumedly Lacus, were blaming him. Was it possible that there was something wrong, after all, about the way he had been handling this matter of Cagalli's college choice and their fight?
Lacus put her hand on Kira's arm and he gave her a faint smile before looking back at Athrun. "Well, that's all I wanna say for now. Bye."
"...Bye," Athrun said with a little uncertainty. He was still confused, but hesitant and reluctant to ask.
Lacus gave him a cheerful goodbye and he returned a polite one, just as usual. And the couple left.
As he closed the door, Athrun let out a long sigh. He felt quite tired even though the couple had stayed for only a little more than an hour, partly because of what they had talked about, and partly because of the couple's behavior. He could handle Kira, but the brunet seemed a lot more handful when with Lacus. It seemed the pinkette had been rubbing off on Kira. Lacus wasn't exactly troublesome or even handful, but still not easy to deal with.
His mind wandered back to earlier, and then further.
According to his mother, the first time he and Lacus had met was when they had been toddlers, and they had met several times. But he naturally didn't remember those times. To him, their first meeting was in the beginning of his seventh-grade year, when he was twelve and she was thirteen.
Lacus had just moved to PLANT from some health resort hours away where she had lived with her sick mother because her mother had passed away. Her father had wanted Athrun to become Lacus's first friend in PLANT, which would hopefully make the transition easier for her. Athrun had been picked due to his parents' friendship with her parents.
He had not been so eager; he had never had a close female friend and had not been able to say he was good at dealing with girls. But he had felt bad about abandoning a girl with a such pitiful background and he had not wanted to disappoint his mother. So he had accepted the request.
To his relief, his mother had accompanied him to visit Lacus's house most of the times when he was invited. It had seemed to start due to her worry about the girl and her loyalty to Lacus's mother, her late friend. But Lenore had gotten fond of Lacus during the visits.
About a year after he and Lacus had met, his mother and he had been invited to a tea party with Lacus and her father.
He didn't quite remember how their conversation had turned that way, but in the middle of the party, his mother had said, "Looking at Lacus-chan, I often wish Patrick and I had had another child, a daughter. It would've certainly been a different experience having a daughter, having both a son and a daughter. Don't you think it would've been fun if you had a sister, Athrun?"
He had politely smiled. "I suppose so."
Siegel, Lacus's father, had said, "Actually, I sometimes feel the same. Either a son or another daughter. Then Lacus would have company while I was at work and wouldn't be so lonely." He had patted his daughter's hand in an apologetic way. Being a prosecutor, Siegel was a busy man, perhaps as busy as Athrun's father, though Siegel seemed more eager to spend time with his family than Patrick.
Lacus had smiled at her father. "Do not worry, Father. I am happy as I am. And I have you." Siegel had affectionately smiled back.
Lenore had also smiled. "Well, at least we'll have another child someday when our children get married." His mother had sent a teasing look to Athrun and he had turned his face away, embarrassed.
Then, Lenore had clapped her hands as if she had had a quite good idea. "Oh, come to think of it, if Athrun and Lacus-chan get married, I'll have Lacus-chan as a daughter. That would be wonderful."
"Mother..." he had weakly protested, feeling his cheeks heat up.
Siegel had thought a little, then said jokingly, "I agree it's a wonderful idea. Athrun is the most refined young man I know. I'd have no qualms about his courting my daughter."
Athrun had silently wished for an interruption, like Siegel and Lenore receiving calls from their workplaces and having to leave, though he was all too aware that such a miracle would almost never happen.
He had glanced at the pink-haired girl who must be as mortified by this conversation as he was, partly hoping she would come up with a way to escape, a way to lead the conversation somewhere else. Contrary to his expectation, however, Lacus had been smiling as if she was enjoying the adults' eccentric idea.
"Yes, Athrun is a good person. A girl he decides to court would be quite lucky," she had merrily chimed in.
Siegel had chuckled. "Maybe we should get them engaged or something, Lenore."
His mother had let out an amused laugh. "That sounds great."
The three pairs of eyes had turned to Athrun and he had felt cornered, clearly having no one on his side.
"I...um, I don't think I'm...quite ready to get into a relationship," he had managed, his eyes not meeting any of the others'. "Lacus is a nice girl, of course," he had hurriedly added. "She can find someone better...ah...mature. Someone ready. Someone who can satisfy her and Mr. Siegel both. I'm sure. So..." He had been certain that his entire body was soaked with sweat, including his face.
A moment that felt agonizingly long to him had passed, and the other three had burst into laughter.
"We were just joking, Athrun." His mother had patted his shoulder reassuringly. "You don't have to look so panicked." He had sent her a look that said it had not been funny at all, but she had not seemed to be seeing it.
"Though I meant it when I said I'd be happy to have you as my daughter's boyfriend." Siegel had winked at Athrun, which got him flustered again.
Lacus had just smiled at him, but he quickly averted his eyes.
After the tea party, he and Lacus had been walking toward the entrance of the house, the adults before them. He had been quiet, still humiliated.
About half the way, Lacus had suddenly said, "I honestly do not mind."
He had sent her a puzzled look. "Pardon?"
"I am all right with dating you if you are willing."
He had blinked, then stared at her, hoping she was joking again. But she had seemed serious, not even smiling as she always was.
"It may sound odd to you, but I believe we can understand each other quite well." She had sounded earnest. He had even thought there was a hint of pleading in her voice, though it was surely his imagination.
He had been mystified since he had never felt like she had said. She had been rather a mystery to him and the conversation had just been reinforcing the notion. He had doubted he could ever fully understand her.
"So, I am willing to try and see if we can grow to love each other," she had continued, closely studying his face, which made him even more uncomfortable.
She had somehow looked like she had grown much older in that short time. He had been acutely reminded that she was in fact one grade older than he was. The fact had usually been easy to forget with the unworldly air she carried around herself, or with the way she played with a Haro as if she was a little girl who loved playing with dolls. But still, she was his senior. And right then, she had actually looked a lot older than her real age, though he couldn't tell why.
Silence had hung over them as she closed her mouth. She had kept examining his face for another moment—during which he was trying to figure out the right way to respond, but failing—and then, smiled brightly.
"Well, since you are not ready yet, however, we will have to just wait and see where our relationship goes. You think so too, do you not, Pink-chan?"
She had playfully poked the pink Haro in her hand, which he had made and given her as a gift at his mother's suggestion a little after his first meeting with Lacus.
"You too! You too!" the Haro had chirped and Lacus had giggled.
Dumbfounded, Athrun had stared at her who now appeared rather childlike. It had been as if the conversation seconds ago had been just his daydream, or someone else had talked to him, not the girl in front of him.
She had turned her face forward and put a hand to her mouth. "Oh, we are so behind Father and Aunt Lenore. We need to hurry."
She had let the Haro bounce forward and started to follow. After several steps, she had looked back over her shoulder.
"Are you not coming, Athrun?" She had looked and sounded like nothing had happened, an innocent smile on her face.
Still bewildered, he had awkwardly resumed walking.
Since then, he had been more reluctant to see Lacus. She had never acted the way he had seen that day again, to his relief. Still, he had not felt at ease in her presence. Not that he had been able to completely relax in front of her before, but he had started to feel even less comfortable. It had not been just because of the strange conversation, but also because she had kind of asked him to be her boyfriend.
What he had told during the tea party had been true. He had not really wanted to have a girlfriend yet. He had not been quite knowledgeable about that kind of stuff, but from what little he had heard, being in a relationship was rather troublesome and sometimes messy. He had had no reason to still try it, and had always turned down love confessions.
Lacus had been nice and pretty, and he had liked her to some extent, but not enough to go through the trouble. He might have still been more positive about dating her if she had been just an ordinary girl; his mother would have certainly been pleased if he and the pink-haired girl actually dated.
However, Lacus had already started working as an idol by then, though not as popular as she was now. He had imagined it would make dating her even more troublesome. Not to mention he had not been exactly comfortable with being pursued by girls, with those girls trying to nudge him into a relationship he wasn't looking for. Lacus being his senior by year, which he had not been able to dismiss as easily after the odd exchange as before, might have also affected his feelings.
In short, he had not been able to find a reason to make an exception for Lacus and accept her confession, or rather, proposition.
At the same time, she had been different from other girls who asked him out. She had not exactly asked him, so he had not been able to reject her. He had not wanted to bring up the subject when she hadn't. Also, he had not wanted to make things between them awkward for his mother's sake. Therefore, he had been trying to keep his relationship with her civil, avoiding getting closer to her, but not pushing her away in an obvious way. It had not been difficult since they didn't meet so often because they went to different schools and she was busy being an idol.
His mother's death had not changed it much. After his mother had passed away, Lacus had seemed more eager to see him, probably partly because she was worried about him and partly because she empathized with him, having lost her own mother. He had appreciated her concern, but not felt like sharing his pain with her.
Since he couldn't expect his mother to divert Lacus's attention from him anymore, he had actually begun excusing himself from visiting her more often, using the preparation for high school entrance exams and then getting used to a new school as excuses.
Another reason, which he also had not said, was Meer. Although she had started making moves on Athrun after Lacus began dating Kira, Meer had originally rooted for Athrun and Lacus. The younger girl who was a Lacus's distant relative had started to join their tea some time before Lenore's death. She had often made him feel uncomfortable by her forwardness and persistence to talk about him and Lacus as if they were a couple or should be, having heard about Lenore and Siegel's joke.
Lacus had always been nice, accepting his excuses and never pushing him; he had felt somewhat guilty. Yet, he had not wanted her to get the wrong idea about their relationship, especially after meeting Cagalli. In trying to avoid being alone with the pinkette, he had introduced his friends to her, and she had fallen in love with Kira.
Thus, Athrun had escaped having to deal with her feelings for him if she had ever had any. It might have been rather selfish of him to feel relieved when Lacus had invited him to her house and told him she was going to ask Kira to be her boyfriend in the middle of December in his freshman year of high school, just about two years ago.
But he had also helped them get together. At first, Kira had seemed a little hesitant to date Lacus because of Athrun. The brunet had asked Athrun whether he was really all right with it before giving his answer to Lacus. Athrun had told him about Lacus "asking him out" after it had happened, years before Kira and Lacus met, and Kira had seemed worried about Athrun's feelings even though the brunet knew Athrun was in love with his sister. Athrun had reassured Kira that he had no problem with Kira and Lacus dating and encouraged his friend to go for it, and he had been happy for them when Kira had accepted Lacus.
And the couple seemed to have been doing well. Kira was clearly more compatible with Lacus, having a higher tolerance of her peculiarity, than Athrun. The brunet even seemed to understand her confusing words sometimes.
It actually had made Athrun wonder a few times. Could he understand Lacus if he tried harder? After all, Lacus for some reason believed he was capable. Or she had believed years ago, at least.
Even if the effort wouldn't be futile, however, it still felt like a job that took too much of his energy and time. He couldn't help thinking that his resources would be better spent on other stuff, like studying to become a doctor so that he could save lives, for instance.
And why did he have to try in the first place? Aside from regular confusion, he didn't have a problem with his understanding of her if it was little. She didn't seem to mind it, either. Then, there was no reason for him to try to change it.
Reaching the usual conclusion, he put the sandwiches covered with plastic wrap into the refrigerator. Heading for his room, he glanced down at his hand holding his bottle of sparkling water which was half empty. He figured he had to think over the conversation he had had with Kira and Lacus, think about the problem he and Cagalli were having, but felt too worn out for that.
The sad and disappointed face Kira had had right before leaving came back to his mind to bother him again. Was that how Cagalli was feeling now? From what Kira had said, she had been quite distressed because of Athrun's attitude since the fight, and he felt somewhat bad about it, maybe for the first time. After all, he didn't want to hurt her. He just wanted her to be with him and love him more. Why was it so difficult to have it? Why couldn't she just give it to him?
It was true that he didn't want to fight with her. What he wanted was having a happy and peaceful time with her. And it wasn't his fault that they couldn't do that right now, was it? If he could have his way, things wouldn't be as they were now. It wasn't he who had started this or was prolonging this...right?
But then, Kira might be right. Maybe Athrun should be more, a little more at least, considerate of Cagalli's feelings? She had been crying, and devastated. Until now, he had been trying not to think about the fact that he had made her cry. His anger and frustration over the fact that she was still leaving him behind had made it easy. He had been telling himself that it wasn't as big a deal as it sounded since she was quite expressive, showing her emotions honestly and intensely, that she must have been more upset about the fight than sad.
But now, the thought of her crying was starting to make his chest heavy. It wasn't what he wanted, at all. Maybe he should do something to change their situation? Maybe he should think more about how to make her feel better? Maybe he should apologize to her at least about the way he had been acting since the fight.
He admitted that it was rather childish of him to have been avoiding her like that. He would normally act in a maturer way. But there was something about her that made him more honest than usual. There was something about her that made him want to act differently with her from with others, want to have something different with her from with others.
Maybe, though, he had been too honest about his feelings for the past month, or during the fight even? Should he change his way now, having more control over his emotions? He didn't really want to. He felt like he would be losing something important that way, losing more of what he wanted.
Plus, if he started apologizing, wouldn't they just go back to how they had been before the fight since their situation was more or less the same as before? Wouldn't it mean that he had to return to doing what he had been doing, which he really didn't want to do anymore?
Although she didn't appreciate it, he had been trying to protect her feelings for months. He had been trying to make her feel good, doing what he didn't want to do and listening to what he didn't want to hear for her sake, saying what she wanted to hear. He had been making sacrifices for her, for their relationship. He had been doing the right thing, what he should do as a boyfriend, even though she wasn't repaying it.
...Somehow, however, he couldn't feel as confident about it, about his righteousness, as before. What Kira and Lacus had said was confusing him, shaking his beliefs. The feeling that there might be something he wasn't seeing concerning this matter was growing. The feeling he didn't like, but couldn't ignore.
With a sigh, he shook his head. He really didn't have enough energy to do this right now. It was best to wait until he felt good enough to give this proper thought. Absently watching the swirling lemon-flavored water inside the bottle he was holding, he wondered what his girlfriend was doing right now.
After going over the long proof she had written one more time, carefully comparing it with the one on the study guide, Cagalli let out a sigh of relief. She had been working on a math problem for twenty minutes, and finally managed to get it right. Proudly, she picked up a red pen to draw a big circle on her notebook, then made the circle a flower.
"Victory sign?"
At the whispering voice and the warm breath on her ear, she turned to smile at the boy sitting next to her. "Yup. A huge victory totally worth recognition." She regarded him who looked like he was tired of studying, which made her realize she also was. "But I'm hungry. What do you say to grabbing snacks?"
"That's a fantastic idea." Ahmed dramatically raised both his fists in the air to show his enthusiasm, though he kept his voice low since they were in the study room of the city library where they should be quiet.
Among the members of their study session on weekends, they were the only ones still at the library; Kira had gone to Lacus's house after lunch and all of the others either had already left or had not come today.
They packed up their stuff and walked out of the library. Across the street was a bakery, which they entered. Hearing the bell on the door, a middle-aged woman at the counter turned around and waved a hand to them. They had been loyal patrons of this bakery for months and become friendly with many of the staff.
Waving back at the woman, Cagalli parted ways with Ahmed. She headed toward donel kebabs, but stopped before reaching her destination. JUST OUT OF THE OVEN sign was sticking out from under the tray of curry buns. Knitting her eyebrows, she looked back and forth between two trays for a minute. Then, sending an apologetic look to kebabs, she put a curry bun on her plate.
She started walking toward the counter, but stopped again as her eyes fell on a tray of peach tarts: Athrun's favorite sweets.
Her chest tightened at the thought of him. It wasn't so difficult not to think about him, about the fight, when she was cramming English sentences and math equations and names of human tissues into her head. Ironically—or naturally—her study had been going well since the fight; she had buried herself in it, trying to distract herself. She had had the highest grades she had ever had in the final exams in the beginning of December.
At times like this, however, she couldn't help feeling dejected. Her shoulders dropped almost automatically, her mind wandering back to the fight, then the next day.
At lunchtime on the day after their fight, she had gone to Athrun's homeroom as usual—for his homeroom was nearer to the cafeteria and on her way to there anyway—meaning to apologize to him and ask him to go somewhere to talk again after lunch. She had wanted to at least tell him how important he was to her, which she had failed to do the day before.
The previous evening after the nap, she had told Kira about the fight and felt somewhat better, strengthened by her brother's comfort and support. Maybe she had been a bit melodramatic the previous day, taking things more seriously than she should, she had thought, in addition to her head being messed up by the memory and the thought of her father.
She had peered into the classroom somewhat nervously. Fortunately for her, Athrun's seat was right next to the windows to the corridor and she had been able to study him from several meters away. He had seemed to be a bit sulking, but not really looked angry. With a deep breath, she had been about to take a step toward the door when he opened a plastic bag on his desk, which she had missed until then, and took out a packet of sandwiches and a bottle.
She had blinked several times, and stupidly stared at him for a minute until the reality sank in. He had been eating lunch in his homeroom, which he had never done even when they were having a fight. But he was now angrier, probably a lot angrier, at her than he had ever been and didn't want to eat lunch with her.
She had felt like being punched in the gut. She had not misunderstood after all. This was as serious as she had felt. Perhaps more serious, even.
Trying to calm herself, she had taken in some breaths and checked her phone, hoping there was some other reason for Athrun's decision to not eat at the cafeteria and he had sent her a text to explain it. There had been no text from him. Not even a group text.
Her mouth had gone dry and she had hurried past Athrun's homeroom, her eyes turned to the other side of the corridor. She had just kept walking and walking, until Miriallia called out to her.
"Cagalli? Where are you going? You aren't coming to the cafeteria?"
She had stopped, turned around, and ran up to the brunette to hug her.
"Athrun isn't coming," she had said, her voice trembling. "He...he's so mad he probably didn't even want to see me..." The way he had turned his back to her at the end of the fight had come back and almost broken her down.
Miriallia had taken her to a secluded corner of the building while comforting her and calming her down, listened to her about what had happened the previous day and earlier that day, and given her some more comfort, saying that his anger would surely subside and his attitude would soften after some time. Lunchtime had been almost over when Cagalli had finally felt like eating. They had gone to the school store instead of the cafeteria and bought their lunch to quickly eat it.
Athrun had stopped coming to their study session after school as well. Nicol, who had sent a concerned text to Athrun about his not coming to the cafeteria, had relayed to her and the others Athrun's message that he was going to study at his cram school. Athrun had not come to the cafeteria again the next day, or the library; everyone in their group had looked concerned.
Days had gone by like that, and Athrun had been avoiding her for about a month now.
The only consolation she had was that he at least returned her greetings. Four days after the fight, on her way to the science lab, she had come across him who seemed to be going back to his homeroom after P.E. Their eyes had met and they both had stopped briefly before stiffly resuming walking.
When they were only a step away from each other, she had worked up the nerve and said, "Hey." She couldn't remember a time she had been so nervous about talking to someone, or so afraid of their reaction.
He had glanced at her, but not said anything right away, which twisted her heart. A second after they had passed each other, though, he had quietly said, "Hey."
She had spun around to stare at his retreating figure. He had not looked back, but she had been so glad and relieved he had talked to her, even if it was just one word, that she almost cried then and there. She might have kept gazing at him until he disappeared from her sight if her friends who were with her had not nudged her, saying they were being late for Chemistry.
She had hoped that it was a sign that Athrun was gradually becoming ready to talk to her again about their situation, to forgive her even. But it had not happened yet. Their situation had remained static since then.
And the more she thought about it, the less hopeful she felt. Although he didn't completely ignore her, he was apparently unwilling to discuss their problem with her, or just eat at the same table with her even. He seemed to not want anything to do with her beyond exchanging greetings. It might mean that the only way he forgave her, the only way they could reconcile was—
"Ready to pay?"
Ahmed gave her a shoulder bump from behind, pulling her back to reality.
"Yeah." She put on a smile and turned her face to him. They walked together toward the counter.
After chatting with the woman at the counter for a bit since there was no line—during which the woman informed Cagalli that her request for kebabs with extra-hot chili sauce had been declined—and buying cups of coffee, she and Ahmed sat at a table in the back of the bakery, facing each other.
"You remember the physics problem I was struggling with last week?" Ahmed asked before biting into his roast beef bagel sandwich.
"Yeah?" She glanced at him, breaking her curry bun into half and blowing on it.
"I gave it another try earlier, and guess what, I solved it without consulting anything."
"That's great. Congrats." They bumped their fists.
He grinned. "It didn't go so smoothly, but I'm becoming confident I can get accepted by Tassil Uni. My scores are getting quite good."
"Told you you can do it." She smiled, taking a bite.
"Yeah, I'm glad you pushed me. Here we come, Tassil Uni!" He held out a fist to her with a grin, expecting her to bump it with her own again. But she couldn't and his face turned puzzled. "What's the matter?"
She swallowed the food inside her mouth, then slowly said, "There is something I have to tell you. ...I'm not sure I'm going to apply to Tassil Uni. Athrun doesn't want me to go... We even had a fight about it."
She had told only Kira and Miriallia the reason why she and Athrun had fought; to the other friends, she had just said they had had a fight without explaining what it was about. She didn't mind if her friends knew, but she knew Athrun wouldn't like it. Those close to him probably had not asked her for details for the same reason.
But Ahmed had the right to know why she was considering breaking their pledge to do their best to get into Tassil University.
Not that she had already decided to abandon going there, though. She was still wavering, but recently leaning toward staying here.
She didn't want to lose Athrun; he might break up with her if she still chose to move away. And not really talking with Athrun had been making her feel quite lonely even though she wasn't alone, which shook her determination further. If she felt this lonely now, could she stand living so far away from him even if they didn't break up? And she would be having almost none of her family and friends comforting and supporting her right now with her, no less. She had probably underestimated the impact of moving to a totally new place.
Furthermore, she never wanted Athrun to think that he didn't matter much to her. And right now, changing her college choice seemed like the only way she could get him to understand that she cherished him. She wanted to believe there was another way. She had been trying to find one for the past month, but had not been able to come up with it.
From his words during the fight and those she had overheard a couple days before that, he thought that choosing to go to a faraway college was a sign she didn't care about him much; that choosing her college so that she could stay close to him was a sign that she cared. And it seemed like the only thing he cared about, other than the fact that she had not asked about his opinion on her going to Tassil. As far as she knew, giving up going to Tassil was the only thing he wanted her to do, as if it was the only sign of love, the only proof that she really loved him.
To be honest, she was doubtful about it. They seemed like different matters to her. But did it matter? Maybe what she thought didn't matter here, at least not as much as what Athrun thought. Maybe he wouldn't be convinced of her love for him no matter what she did, no matter what she said, unless she gave up going to Tassil University. Maybe it was the only thing that mattered to him, the only proof he wanted or needed.
The thought stung her. It somehow reminded her of her father, the pain she had felt in her relationship with him. Athrun's refusal, or at least reluctance, to talk with her didn't help. She had been thinking—hoping—that it was only because of his anger and pain. However, after a month, her doubt and fear had grown big.
She had of course known he was stubborn. But did he really have no intention of working with her on figuring out a solution, trying to find a middle ground or something like that? Or he just couldn't do that because he had not forgiven her yet? She wasn't sure what to make of his avoidance of her.
She wasn't the only one who wasn't really talking to Athrun. Kira also wasn't. After confiding in him about the fight, she had told her brother not to have his own fight with Athrun because of her. She had not expected Kira to not talk to Athrun at all. Nor would she try to stop him from talking with Athrun. They were best friends regardless of her situation with Athrun, and she actually hoped talking with Kira might help Athrun deal with the situation, which could lead to a change in Athrun's attitude.
But Kira had said that it was better for him to avoid talking to Athrun for a while until he became sure he was calm enough not to let their talk turn into a fight. Her brother could be overprotective, and her brief breakdown after the fight had apparently brought out that side of him, which he seemed to be still struggling to control.
Therefore, Kira couldn't tell her what Athrun was thinking. All she could do was wait for Athrun's attitude to change.
Well, not exactly. Obviously, she could approach him and make an attempt to have a talk. In fact, she knew that was what she should do. She should apologize to him, tell him she truly cared about him even if he didn't believe it, and ask him whether there was a way he could forgive her, at the very least.
It was the first thing to do if she wanted to reconcile with him. Maybe he wasn't willing to talk with her because she had not done that, done the proper thing. Maybe she could get him to talk to her by doing that, and then, after knowing more about his sentiments, find out another way to convince him of her love for him. Maybe he would even become willing to work on their problem together if she just took an action to show him her feelings.
It was at least partly her fault that she and Athrun were stuck in this almost-no-communication situation, she knew.
However, she was afraid of his reaction, afraid that she would only meet another rejection, since he appeared so determined to keep his distance from her. And thus, she had been avoiding doing it so far.
It was uncharacteristic of her to act so cowardly and she was ashamed of it. Still, she had not been able to overcome her fear yet. She just couldn't feel confident about him, about their relationship right now.
She might be able to gather the courage to approach him if she could just believe that Athrun was different from her father. The doubt was the primary factor that made her so afraid. If she could get rid of it, she must feel a lot better and hopeful. And she had been trying. Her situation with Athrun was certainly not the same as the one with her father.
There was no way she could give her father what he wanted: a son who followed in his steps. It was beyond her power. He didn't even want much from her or care much about her and their relationship.
On the other hand, Athrun wasn't disinterested in her and wanted something from her. He cared about her and their relationship. It was partly why they were in this situation, wasn't it? He wouldn't have been so angry and hurt that she didn't seem to cherish it if he didn't care about the relationship himself, right? He cared, and that was why he wanted to be sure that she cared as well, and wanted her to stay around him, both of which were natural and understandable. And it wasn't so impossible for her to give. She truly cared about him and wanted to fulfill his wish.
After all, it wasn't like she would be giving up her dream of becoming a veterinarian. She didn't need to go to Tassil University to become one. She could go to college of veterinary medicine at Heliopolis University or University of Agriculture in Junius, both of which were close to her home and didn't require her to move out, as first planned. It would still be a big change, but not so big that she couldn't bear it...right?
And yet, somehow she couldn't really convince herself. The idea of changing her college choice just didn't sit well with her. It might be because she still wanted to study under Professor Ashman very much. She couldn't just throw away the desire so easily. But she didn't feel that was all.
There was something else stopping her from choosing to stay here, to change her college choice. Maybe the same thing as what was preventing her from approaching Athrun. Something in her was pushing back against her willingness to comply with Athrun's wish. She just couldn't put her finger on it, couldn't tell what it was or why it was acting that way.
She had been talking with Kira and Miriallia about her and Athrun's problem, about her confused thoughts and feelings, and it had been of some help, but not enough for her to find the answers.
Thus, she was in a state where she simply didn't know which college to apply.
The only thing she knew for sure was that whichever she chose, she had to study hard. Veterinary colleges weren't easy to get in. So, most of the time, she just focused all of her energy on studying. Thankfully, she didn't have to make the final decision until the end of January when she sent the applications to colleges.
Another reason why she had been devoting herself to studying was that she didn't want to fail the entrance exams because of Athrun, of her relationship with him. She was afraid that it would worsen their relationship even further. Her situation with Athrun somewhat reminded her of what had happened between Kira, Fllay, and Ssigh, their friend from middle school.
Ssigh was a year older than they were and Fllay had dated him first. But as he became busy preparing for high school entrance exams, their relationship had begun falling apart. In the end, Fllay had cheated on him with Kira and broken up with the older boy to date Kira. The relationship between Fllay and Ssigh, and the one between Kira and Ssigh, had been quite bad, with a few fights. Then, Ssigh had failed the exam for his first choice of high school; he had seemed to have been too distracted by the trouble in his love life.
The news had been quite a shock to not just Ssigh himself, but also Kira. Her brother, who had already been feeling bad, had blamed himself for ruining his friend's life, which drove him away from Fllay. The redhead had seemed distressed as well. Although Cagalli didn't know much about how Fllay had been feeling at that time since they weren't really friends then, Miriallia had told Cagalli that Fllay was sorry about what had happened. As if proving the brunette's words, Fllay's behavior had gradually changed, apologizing to others for what she had said or done and showing more consideration toward people around her.
Fortunately for all of them, Ssigh had turned out to like his high school which had been his second choice. Although it had taken months, he had reconciled with Kira and Fllay, and they were still friends. Kira and Fllay had also patched things up as their relationships with Ssigh were fixed.
Still, they had not resumed their romantic relationship, though Kira said it was more because they had realized they didn't seem to exactly fit well and decided to return to friends and see where their relationship would go. After about a year, Kira had started dating Lacus; Fllay had also been in a couple of relationships with other boys though she was currently single.
Cagalli didn't want something like that to happen to her and Athrun. Passing the college entrance exam of her first choice—whichever college it was—seemed important not only to her future and dream, but also to her love life.
She had just let out a breath and given her head a little shake when Ahmed opened his mouth.
"You know, my mom quit her job when she got married."
She looked up at him. He was looking at his half-eaten sandwich. "She didn't want to, but my dad wanted her to stay at home and pushed her and she caved in," Ahmed continued. "When they had a fight, she often brought it up, blaming him for making her quit and crying. Now she has a job again and looks happier." He fiddled with a paper napkin. "I sometimes wonder...if they still got a divorce if Mom hadn't left her job."
After a moment of silence, he looked up and shrugged. "Anyway, your situation kinda reminded me that."
She reached out to squeeze his hand. His parents had gotten divorced last year. A few days after his parents had told him about their decision for the first time, he had called her in a low mood, making her worried. After she had offered some words of comfort, they had talked for hours, not about the divorce but about shared memories and mutual friends and just everyday stuff, anything that made him smile and laugh and feel better. He had been in a lighter mood at the end of the call and had gradually made some peace with the divorce over the past year. But she knew he still had not completely gotten over it.
His face softened as he squeezed back her hand. They remained that way for a minute, then he let her hand go.
"You should eat fast, or your curry bun will get cold," he jokingly said, pointing at her plate, his face revealing a little embarrassment.
"Right. It'd be such a waste," she returned as playfully.
They resumed eating, chatting about lighter subjects. They stayed at the bakery a bit longer than necessary, then left, waving goodbye to the woman at the counter. As they began walking back to the library, Ahmed ruffled her hair and pulled her head to his shoulder.
"I'm glad, like, you're here with me, Cags," he whispered, sounding a little shy.
She patted his back. "Yeah, I'm glad, too." Being with Ahmed was comfortable and somewhat soothing, and she was truly glad of his company.
Their arms stayed around each other until they reached the library.
Thank you for reading. See you next week!
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Below are replies to reviews.
To Fuyu Aki:
Thank you for another review(s)!
Their situation is clearly complicated. It's partly because this isn't just about Cagalli's college choice. It's just a trigger that brought out the hidden problem in their relationship which they hadn't even known existed. The real issue is something larger and more important. In order to sort out their situation and figure out a solution, they have to work really hard, dig deeply into themselves and their relationship.
And yes, Cagalli showed Athrun that she cares about him many times. But he is blinded by the frustration and irritation over the fact that he can't get what he wants, which is Cagalli staying around him instead of going to a faraway college. Those feelings had grown bigger while he was suppressing them. His belief that it's unfair of her to blame him for not talking about his dissatisfaction with her (which comes from their different attitudes toward honesty) isn't helping.
I see him as the type who hardly sees things from other people's viewpoints and forces what he believes is best on others. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about others. He does. He just thinks he knows better than others and hardly doubts he is the right one when he has a disagreement with someone.
He is also the type who keeps bottling everything inside him, pretending he is all right, until he reaches his limit, and then suddenly blows up and surprises everyone around him.
That's how I've been trying to depict him.
By the way, I still haven't received your PM. So I just sent one to you to see if it works. I hope you've gotten it.
To PegasusInCage:
Thank you for another review!
Yeah, Athrun isn't always gentle or understanding or considerate. He sometimes acts like...well, a jerk. He looked even more like that in the scene where he fought with the twins on the cliff in the remastered version, because of the changes made concerning his expressions.
I want and need to show that side of him in this fic.
And I'm glad you liked the twins' exchanges in the previous chapter. I enjoyed writing them :)
*posted 03/17/19*
*edited 12/11/21*