English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
Season of Farewell
Chapter 11: Guilt
When he slipped inside a hall with rows of chairs, the songstress was already standing on the small stage and his pianist friend was sitting at the piano on the side of the stage though the room was still filled with chatter. Athrun had arrived at the area where the children's home was half an hour ago, but waited to walk into the premises until it was almost the time for the concert to begin. He wasn't in the mood to chat, and he was especially reluctant to see Cagalli. Now, he was even more unsure about how to act toward her.
He had known that it was a small concert only the children living here, the staff of the home and their families, and Lacus's close friends attended, and that he had to face Cagalli sooner or later once he reached the children's home. He had wanted to prolong it as much as he could.
To his relief, as he scanned the hall, and noticed the familiar golden hair, Lacus picked up the microphone to ask the audience for silence. The light dimmed to make Lacus who was under a spotlight stand out, though not much. This wasn't a formal gathering. Athrun quickly sat on a seat in the back.
"Good evening, everyone. Thank you for inviting me again this year. It is an honor to be here with all of you. And now the concert is getting started..." She looked around the room with a smile, then tilted her head playfully. "Any idea on which song I should begin with?"
As if they had been waiting for her to ask, which they probably had, many hands shot up. It seemed that all hands belonged to the children sitting in the front rows. Lacus called a name and a girl shouted, "'Token of Water'!"
Lacus nodded. "'Token of Water,' it is."
Exchanging a smile with her, Nicol started to play the song. And soon, the small hall was filled with music and a singing voice.
The night is trembling in the water
I'm standing on a greening waterfront
So silently that it's heartbreaking
I wish I could simply wait for
A beautiful dawn
With a pure heart
As Athrun listened to the song, the lovely voice somehow shifted into the one from the other day: "Sacrifices for what you yourself want and those for what someone you care about wants are not the same, either. Though we often mistake one for the other."
It was true that he had made a lot of sacrifices for his relationship with Cagalli. He had done many things he didn't like to do, even things that hurt him. But...for whom he had done them?
He had given her his understanding and support so that she could be happy. That was part of the truth. Yet, deep down, he knew it wasn't the major reason, not even the first purpose. He had not wanted to disillusion her about him by trying to prevent her from doing she was so excited about. He had not wanted her to think he was standing between her and her dream. He had not wanted her to think he was hardly an ideal boyfriend, not even a good boyfriend. These could become her reasons to consider breaking up with him. And why had he not wanted that? For whom?
He was reluctant to admit it. He had been trying to deny it for the past week since he had heard those words of Lacus's. But he felt like he couldn't do it anymore, as if the singing voice, as soft as it was, had seized him and was forcing him to see the truth: He had done those things so that Cagalli wouldn't leave him, so that his desire to keep his relationship with her would be fulfilled.
Then, maybe he couldn't claim that those sacrifices had been for her, could he?
His stomach clenched into a knot. Did it mean that he had been being selfish all this time? Only trying to fulfill his desire? And he had taken on Cagalli the frustration and irritation that mostly came from the attempt to maintain their relationship, from his selfish desire?
And then, he had acted like it was all her fault, blaming her for everything, because she didn't repay his sacrifices, because she didn't make sacrifices for their relationship like he had done. He had been ignoring her pain, using his own distress from the sacrifices he had made as an excuse, which was making her suffer. Since those sacrifices of his turned out to be selfish ones after all, however, didn't it mean that he had been only making wrong and selfish demands to her?
Kira's accusing face and Cagalli's pained look flashed in his mind, tightening the knot inside him so hard that he almost couldn't breathe. It was no wonder Kira had acted like that. Athrun must have hurt Cagalli a lot, for selfish reasons at that. For the past month, he had been making her cry and suffer by his selfishness all the while thinking he wasn't doing anything wrong. The disappointment he had seen in Kira's face last week was completely legitimate. Cagalli must have been deeply disappointed in him as well.
He swallowed with effort and rubbed his face with his hand. Why was he so selfish? How selfish could he be? What was wrong with him? First, that disgusting thought of getting her pregnant, and then, this. He had thought he was a better person, much better than this. Where had he gone astray? Or had he always been like this and just not known that?
He felt as if he was the lowliest person in the world, going around hurting people, people he loved no less, and not even realizing it.
Can no one ever reach there?
Or is it in someone's heart?
For some reason, his mind started wandering toward other things. Memories flashed in his head, mostly those of his mother. One after another, they came back, and they weren't only happy memories he regularly recalled, but also more trivial memories.
One of them was about his family's move. When he had been a child, his family had lived in Junius City of PLANT. Both his parents had been working nearby: a police captain and an agriculturalist. But when he had been ten, his father had gotten promoted to Senior Superintendent who led an elite division at the PLANT Police Headquarters in December City, which meant his family was moving to the area. There had been no question about it.
His father had come home early in the evening with the news of the promotion, and promptly announced that they were moving to a new place, a more expensive house in a better neighborhood. Athrun had been surprised and felt reluctant to transfer to a new school. His mother had not appeared completely happy, either. But they had not complained, simply accepting it as a done deal.
Letting out a quiet breath, his mother had turned to him and gently comforted him about going to a new school, saying he would surely make new friends soon. He had obediently nodded just like a good son he was. He had not known what else to do especially in front of his father. They then had started celebrating the promotion. His father had been in a quite good mood that evening, smiling and laughing many times, which was quite rare.
Since his mother had not changed workplaces, her commuting time had more than doubled after the move. She had started to look tired more often and Athrun had felt lonely for she spent less time at home.
He also remembered that she had turned down her own promotion the next year; he had overheard her conversation with her friend on the phone. His mother had jokingly said that although the offer was quite nice, she really couldn't handle more work when her current working hours, combined with commuting time, already took up almost all of her day. She had not sounded like she had regrets about not accepting the promotion.
But now, Athrun wondered whether she had just been pretending, hiding her distress. Had she actually wanted the promotion? Had she given up because of his father's job, because of the move? If his family had not moved due to his father's job, her commuting time wouldn't have increased as much. Then, would she have been able to accept the promotion? Had she been really all right about turning it down? About moving away from her workplace, which probably had a negative effect on her career.
...Had his father asked her whether she was fine with his decision, even if as just an afterthought? Had his father ever considered that she might not be happy about it? Athrun actually doubted it. Patrick was hardly a considerate man, and he expected his family—his wife and child—to obey him, to accept his way of doing things without complaining.
Patrick wasn't the kind of father who would support his child no matter what. At least, Athrun didn't feel like he was. He had always been aware that he was supposed to meet his father's expectations, be a perfect son or try to become something as close to it as possible. That his father would strongly disapprove of his choice if he chose a "third-rate" college or a "meaningless" job even if it was to realize his biggest dream.
He had known—or at least suspected—his father would no longer love him or care about him once he deviated from his father's expectations.
Since he had been quite little until his mother's death, he had always answered he would probably follow in his father's steps and go to a college of law, then become a police officer or a prosecutor, when asked about his future. He had known that was the answer his father expected from him.
It wasn't like he had disliked the future his father had mapped out for him. He respected his father and a job that caught criminals so that they were brought to justice had sounded good, even appealing. The only problem he had ever had with the path was that in middle school, he had found out that Yzak had more or less the same plan—going to college of law and become a prosecutor—which apparently fueled the silver-head's rivalry with him and led to some troubles for him.
However, in the second grade or the third grade, he had secretly started imagining becoming a robot engineer which allowed him to get lost in working with robots a whole day or even longer, more often than imagining becoming like his father.
Although he had kept it secret, his mother had seemed to sense it to an extent. She had encouraged him to pursue his interest; she was the one who had suggested to him to participate in a summer camp for children interested in robotics, where he met Kira. His father had not really approved of Athrun "wasting" a lot of time and energy in just hobbies, in "mere toys." But his mother had appeased his father, pointing out that Athrun was doing more than well both in school and in karate practice. Patrick had reluctantly agreed that Athrun should be allowed some freedom to do what he liked as long as it didn't interfere with his grades or performance.
That was how Athrun's hobby of making robots had been tolerated by Patrick, though Athrun didn't think it would've been possible if Patrick had had an inkling of Athrun's hidden dream.
Athrun honestly didn't know which path he would have chosen if things had been different. If Lenore was still alive, Athrun and Patrick might have had a fight—his first ever fight with his father—similar to the one between Kira and his father. Or he would have chosen to live up to his father's expectations, as a good son should, instead of defying his father and trying to fulfill his own—selfish—wishes.
He would never know because his life had been greatly changed by his mother's death in the end of his junior year in middle school. About a year later, during the spring break after he had graduated middle school, he had gone to dinner with his father and grandparents to celebrate his graduation and acceptance by high school of his first choice, one of the best schools in the area. The conversation had turned to Athrun's future, and he had said his decision to become a doctor out loud for the first time.
He had not promptly explained why he had chosen the career, but he had been ready to do so if anyone asked. He had not lost his admiration for police officers, but had not felt like going down that path anymore. Police officers could contribute to achieving justice and preventing crimes even.
But he wanted to save lives. He wanted to bring back people from the brink of death. He wanted to grant the desperate wishes of those people and their family. He painfully understood them and wanted to become a person who had the power to fight against death—instead of criminals—for them, the power to defeat death, protecting people from its hands. The power he had craved at his mother's bedside during her last moments. He had been so helpless and powerless then, unable to do anything for his mother, and he didn't want to remain that way.
He had been resolved to follow the path he had chosen even if his father wasn't happy about it. He had been prepared to stand up to his father, or fight with him even, if it came down to it. If his father refused to pay for his college, he had been sure his grandparents would help and he could get a student loan.
Not that he had been certain it was what was going to happen. He had been hoping that his father would understand, and had not thought the chance was so slim. After all, doctor was a noble job that saved lives. Although it was different from what his father had originally planned for him, Athrun had not thought the choice was unacceptable by his father's standard.
Patrick had looked at him with a frown, but had not appeared angry. All of the adults present had seemed to understand Athrun's reason without an explanation since a melancholic silence fell on the table.
Then, after a long moment, his father had simply said, "It's an admirable job," showing his approval.
Thus, Athrun and Patrick had managed to avoid fighting over Athrun's future. But Athrun knew it wasn't exactly thanks to his father's understanding of his feelings or dreams. It was more thanks to his father's love for his mother, and to the fact that doctors were one of the most prestigious jobs, if not the most. His father had had no reason to show anything but satisfaction and approval, either, when Athrun had informed him that he was going for Februarius Medical University, one of the most famous and admired colleges, not to mention the hardest college to get into.
Never had Athrun mistaken those approvals for his father's unconditional support for him, though. He simply knew that was how Patrick was, or wasn't, and had long accepted that. Like he had accepted his father wasn't the type of man to show his affection and love clearly, which was much easier to understand and deal with since he himself wasn't the affectionate type, not like Kira.
As far as Athrun knew, Patrick had not been a loving, understanding, or supportive husband, either; his family's move from Junius from December was just one of the proofs. It didn't mean he had treated Lenore or Athrun badly. Though Athrun remembered being slapped by his father a couplet times, like when he had been engrossed in playing with robots and unintentionally ignored his mother calling him for dinner. But they had been only a punishment which might be a little too harsh but wasn't unjust, and he didn't think his father had ever hit his mother.
He believed his father cared about him, at least to an extent, and had loved his mother deeply. Lenore's death had quite affected Patrick.
On Valentine's Day in his junior year of middle school, Athrun's mother had died in a car accident. He remembered that he had felt a little annoyed when the home phone had started ringing in the late afternoon that Sunday since he was in the middle of reading a newly published historical novel written by George Glenn, his favorite author; he had been about to reach a climactic scene. For a moment, he had considered ignoring the call, leaving it to the answering machine. He had been too well-disciplined to do it, though, and reluctantly put the book down to answer the call.
A hospital staff had informed him of the accident and told him which hospital his mother was at. Half in a daze, he had left a message on his father's voice mail and called his grandparents on the maternal side who lived several hours away, as his mother had instructed him to do if anything should happen to her, which he had never seriously considered as an actual possibility.
Then, he had called a taxi to go to the hospital where doctors told him with grave faces that there wasn't much they could do for his mother. He had spent next couple of hours on a chair next to her bed, clutching her hand, until she took her last breath without ever coming back to consciousness.
His father had arrived at the hospital a little later. Patrick had never shed a tear, at least to Athrun's knowledge. All Athrun remembered was his father's emotionless face, which had been deathly pale, and hands tightly clenched into fists which had been shaking violently as if they were expressing the emotions his face couldn't. His father had just stood still on the other side of his mother's bed for a long moment, then walked away.
He had not said one word to Athrun. He had not even scolded Athrun for crying even though Patrick always said men should never cry and reprimanded Athrun when he caught Athrun shedding tears. Athrun wasn't even sure whether Patrick had seen him, known his son was also there. After his father left, Athrun had sat alone besides his mother's dead body again, feeling even sadder and lonelier, feeling as if he was all alone in this universe, until his grandparents finally arrived a while later.
Lenore had been hit by a car while she was crossing the street between her workplace building and its parking lot in order to reach her car and head for home. The driver, Multa Azrael, had just run and had not been captured for nearly a week; the man had had connections with some criminal group that hid him from the police, Athrun had heard.
Later, it had been revealed by witnesses that he had been drunk at the time, which was one of the reasons why he had fled the scene of accident.
Patrick had never come home until the arrest was made; he had not even spent much time at his wife's wake and funeral. It was Athrun's grandparents that had taken care of things and Athrun during that time. His grandmother had even stayed at his house for weeks after that, and frequently visited during his senior year of middle school.
Patrick had always been a busy man, working long hours. After his wife had died, he had started to spend even less time at home, obsessed with the trial of Azrael and his work. And even when he was at home, he had shown little interest in his son, stern and distant. Athrun had often felt like he had lost both of his parents on the day his mother had died. He had been afraid that he could never get his family back.
His relationship with his father had improved a little when Athrun had gotten involved in an accident and injured at the end of February of his freshman year of high school. He had not expected his father to show up at the hospital; he had given the hospital staff his grandparents' number as an emergency contact.
However, Patrick, having heard about the accident from Athrun's grandmother, had come to see Athrun, though he seemed angry. Athrun had assumed that it was because he had caused his father a trouble.
But then, a few days later, Patrick had come home early in the evening, which was the first time since Lenore's death, and asked him with a grim face, "How are your injuries?"
Surprised, Athrun had replied, "They are fine. They weren't really serious to begin with."
Patrick had nodded gravely, then told Athrun about how he should be more careful in a reproaching tone. At the end of the lecture, his father had added in a low voice, "Accidents can happen even when you are careful...like the one that killed your mother. Therefore, you should at least avoid ones you can."
It had also been the first time his father had brought up the subject of his mother after she had passed away. Athrun had been speechless and before he could find his voice, Patrick had disappeared into his study.
Athrun had been bewildered, having no idea what was going on with his father, until his grandmother who had been staying with them due to her worry about Athrun's injuries commented, "It seems your injuries gave your father a shock."
He had blinked at her, and she had added, "They gave me and your grandpa quite a scare, at least. When you called and said you're in a hospital, we were reminded of Lenore's accident, especially since it was only a couple weeks after her death anniversary." His mother's mother had had a sad and affectionate face as she patted his hand. "We're really glad we didn't lose you as well."
His chest had tightened and he had apologized to her for making her worried. He had also offered an apology to his father when Patrick got out of the study for dinner. His father had only given a nod in response, but his father accepting the apology in itself was enough proof to Athrun that his father had been in fact worried about him like his grandparents.
His father seemed to have also started paying more attention to Athrun since then. Though it meant Athrun was given more instructions to follow, which was somewhat frustrating.
Patrick still spent most of his time at work, but Athrun could understand that. His father probably wanted to prevent and solve as many crimes and help as many people as possible, people whose lives were disturbed or ruined by a crime, people like his family. In that sense, his father and he were fighting the same fight in different ways. Or at least they would be after Athrun became a doctor who could even save people who was almost fatally injured so that less people would die like his mother had, so that less children would lose their mothers like he had.
To him, both his father's obsession with his mother's killer and his father's devotion to work that increased after her death were proofs of his father's love for his mother.
But then, loving someone didn't guarantee that there was no problem with the way you treated them, right? He loved Cagalli. As Kira and Lacus had made him realize, however, the way he had been treating Cagalli was probably not right. Maybe it had been the same with his parents. Maybe his father had treated his mother wrongly without meaning to or realizing.
Because his father believed that it was the woman's job to make sacrifices for their family, for their relationship, that his dream and job were more important than hers, just as Athrun had believed without realizing it.
Until the talk with Kira and Lacus, he had never even thought about abandoning the college he wanted to go to for Cagalli or their relationship. He had not had to since his first choice of college was in PLANT. But if the situations were reversed, if his first choice of college was far away and Cagalli's first choice was around her home, would he have given up going to the college so that he and Cagalli could stay close to each other? Would he have even hesitated to choose the college?
He knew the answer was no. He still wouldn't have liked to have a long-distance relationship, but he would have simply accepted it as a necessary cost. He wouldn't have even considered making such a sacrifice of changing his college choice for his relationship with Cagalli. The sacrifice he wanted her to make. The sacrifice he had been trying to make her make. He had never meant to make it himself. He even mightn't have discussed the matter with her before deciding to go to a faraway college and might have just told her about his decision afterward.
And if she had wanted him to give up going to the college he wanted to go to, he would have thought that it was wrong and selfish of her, highly inappropriate. Because it wasn't how girls should act, right? They should follow their boyfriend's or husband's lead, their directions; getting in his way instead was insulting to him.
That was how men like his father believed, at least. And in that way of thinking, a guy changing his college choice just because his girlfriend was unhappy, just for his girlfriend or for his romantic relationship, was unacceptable.
Athrun had not thought he was one of those men. He had always thought he was different even though he didn't entirely dismiss the thinking, completely disagree with those men. Still, he was more considerate, more open-minded, more...modernized, he had believed. But perhaps, he wasn't that different from the men, from his father.
After all, if he didn't want to live far away from Cagalli so much, he could have changed his college choice. The result would be the same. If he gave up his first choice of college and picked a college around Tassil, they didn't have to have a long-distance relationship. And yet, such an idea had never occurred to him until this moment.
Because his college, his dream, was too important to be sacrificed for just a romantic relationship while her college and dream weren't that important. That was what he had been thinking deep down...wasn't it?
Just like his father who must have thought it was self-evident that the one who was going to shoulder the burden of long commuting time should be his wife, not himself. That making his life convenient by moving nearer to his workplace, fulfilling his wishes of being promoted and living in a good neighborhood, was so important that the fact his wife's life would be harder as a result was just a minor cost, not even worth his consideration. That his wife would have no problem paying the cost, making the sacrifice for their relationship—for him. Because she was a woman, perhaps?
His mother used to say that Athrun had inherited his mother's appearance and his father's personality. The words had never felt truer to him than now, which brought him a bitter feeling. He respected his father, sure. But he didn't exactly want to be like his father, not in his personal life anyway, especially now that he was aware of the wrongness in his father's way with people close to him.
A dislike—even hatred—toward his father slowly rose inside him. It didn't feel new. It felt like it had always been there; he just had been trying not to see it, not to notice it even. The bitterness about the way his father had been acting toward his family—toward him. Because such a feeling was disrespectful, nothing a good son should feel. He had not wanted to think bad things about his father. He had not wanted to acknowledge his father's flaws and faults. Deep inside him, however, he had been angry at his father for a long time, for so many things that he couldn't even count, he realized.
...Was that why he had ended up making the same mistake as his father? He had been acting in his romantic relationship the same way, or at least in a similar way, his father had in his relationship with his mother, right? Was that because he had been trying to ignore how wrong his father's ways were? He might have been unconsciously trying to justify those ways, and the attempt might have led him to following the ways, going down the same path as his father. Maybe his ignorance had been more massive than he had thought just a little ago.
He really should have known better. He really should have seen things better.
He still didn't doubt his mother had loved his father despite his flaws, despite the way Patrick had treated her. However, it didn't mean she had been completely happy with how things were in their family, in her relationship with her husband. Maybe she had been regularly distressed, or even suffering, because of his father or the sacrifices she made. Or because her husband didn't even realize that she was making sacrifices or that she was suffering due to them.
He felt a surge of guilt as if he was the one who had caused his mother hardships. He had been actually guilty for not thinking about her feelings, about the possibility that she might be hurting when he wasn't looking, while he even didn't think to look. Granted, he had been a child, but knowing it didn't make him feel better.
He should have been more attentive, done more to comfort his mother, make her happier before she left this universe, before she became out of his reach. He couldn't make amends to her anymore. He couldn't even properly apologize to her. He could never be forgiven. He would forever have to bear—
At the loud noise of chairs moving and people clapping and talking, Athrun blinked, then looked up. He seemed to have been staring at the floor instead of the stage for a while. It seemed like the concert had flown by while his mind was elsewhere. The hall was well-lit again; most of the audience were standing up. He automatically followed.
Some people were walking toward the front of the room. Others were leaving the hall, probably to prepare the dinner following the concert. As Athrun looked around, a little girl and a little boy came down an alley between chairs in his direction, skipping happily. He moved aside to let them pass, his eyes absently following them.
"Even if it exists nowhere right now," the girl was singing.
"I'll surely gain it with my own hands," the boy joined, following her.
The two children looked at each other and sang together, "Always, someday, surely," then giggled before bursting out of the hall, hand in hand.
The song put its singer in his mind and Athrun looked toward the platform. Lacus and Nicol had already descended from there and were talking to people. Athrun had started moving toward them to offer a praise for their performance. They didn't need to know he rudely had not been paying attention, which he felt embarrassed at. Besides, what little of the concert he had paid attention to had seemed good.
However, he stopped before he reached them as his eyes fell on a blonde standing near them, closer to him than they were.
Cagalli was leaning toward her left. Through the crowd, he could see a little boy pulling her hand and talking to her. She was listening and nodding with a smile.
From only several meters away, Athrun couldn't take his eyes off her, off her smile. He had not seen it for a while.
As if sensing his stare, she straightened a little and her eyes turned in his direction. At the sight of him, they widened and stared back, boring into his. He couldn't avert his eyes. He didn't want to.
The amber eyes warm and firm. The eyes he loved.
"Cagalli! Look!"
At the voice, both of them blinked, then moved their eyes to the boy next to Cagalli. Tugging at her hand with his, the little boy was pointing a finger of his other hand at the floor-to-ceiling windows through which they could look at the playground. Athrun's gaze followed the finger.
"It's snowing!" the boy shouted with delight.
The other children were also shouting in joy and excitement. It was already dark, but they could see white flakes dancing in the wind in the light of lampposts. Children rushed toward the windows, including the boy who had been with Cagalli. It was the first snowfall in this winter.
After a moment of watching the children plastering themselves against the glass, Athrun shifted his gaze. At the same moment his eyes were back on Cagalli, her eyes turned to him. Somehow, he understood she was remembering the same memory as he was: the day they had become a couple.
Her mouth slightly opened, then closed. Her lips set into a line. Although she still looked a little unsure, she stepped forward, toward him.
He too lifted his leg to do the same, to close their distance and meet her halfway. But then, Kira's and Lacus's words from last week rushed to his mind. His body froze.
It resumed moving after a moment, but in the opposite direction. He took a step back. Then another. He turned around and began walking away fast, almost running away. He was running away. He couldn't talk to Cagalli. He couldn't face her.
How could he? He had accused her of ignoring his feelings and putting her dream over their relationship when he did exactly the same thing to her. He had blamed her for his wrongdoings. He had treated her wrongly. Everything he had done for past several months was wrong, selfish. He was so full of shame that he couldn't even lift his face.
His eyes on the floor, he hurried to leave the children's home. As he was collecting his coat and scarf from a wide coat rack near the entrance of the building, a woman asked him whether he wouldn't stay for the dinner; he politely said no, mumbling he had something to do. He didn't slow down until he left the premises and turned a corner, out of sight from the children's home.
As he trudged toward the nearest subway station, guilt and shame pulled his whole body down. He felt like he was falling into the bottomless pit of self-hatred, and couldn't ever find his way to climb out of it.
However, his mind pulled out another memory, one that had happened at the children's home he had just left. Today had not been the first time he had visited the place. He had come a few times as a volunteer along with his friends.
During the summer break of his junior year in high school, about a year and a half ago, they had come to help the children and the staff prepare the summer festival at the home, to which the home's sponsors, the parents living separately from their children, and candidates for foster or adoptive parents were invited.
The children had been divided into several groups, each of which included one adult supervisor. Athrun had been assigned to help the group decorating the front of the building: the outside wall, the doors, and the windows.
One boy in the group had been causing troubles. He had not done the tasks he was given and had kept interfering with other children's work. The adult supervisor of the group and Athrun had scolded the boy several times, but the boy's behavior had not changed a bit, which frustrated Athrun. The other children had seemed annoyed as well.
As the boy had ripped a paper garland and upset a girl who had made it, Athrun had run out of patience. He had grabbed the boy's arm, reprimanded him for what he had just done, and sternly said, "If you don't want to work with us, then you don't have to stay here. You should go to other groups. I'm sure they won't mind you joining them. I think it's best for everyone."
He had honestly thought it was a good solution, the best even. The boy had clearly been uninterested in the tasks assigned to their group, or had not been really getting along with other children in the group. Athrun had assumed that the boy would become more motivated if he did what he was interested in or worked with his friends.
For a moment, however, the boy had looked pretty upset, almost close to tears, even though he had seemed to be paying no heed during the previous times he was scolded. Then, the boy had tightened his lips and kicked Athrun's shin, which caused Athrun to let go of the boy in surprise. The boy had shouted that he was so happy he didn't have to work with a jerk like Athrun anymore, then taken off.
Confused, Athrun had stared at the boy's figure turning around a corner of the building. He had not thought he had said something wrong, but felt like he had. As the adult supervisor hurriedly chased after the boy, asking Athrun to keep an eye on the other children, the feeling had strengthened. After a while, the supervisor had come back alone and explained the boy was assigned to another group, the one Reverend Malchio was supervising.
Later, the reverend had taken Athrun aside and asked him to be careful with his words while talking with the children. He had specifically told Athrun not to say things that could be interpreted as "We don't want you anymore." Some of the children in the home had been abandoned by their parents with such words. The boy was one of those children and had been grumpy recently because some other children's parents were coming to the summer festival while his weren't.
Reverend Malchio had been calm and gentle, not blaming Athrun for what had happened. He had even said that Athrun had been right about scolding the boy if the boy did something bad, like breaking a paper garland; he had just wanted Athrun to use different words, take a different approach.
Athrun had felt bad nevertheless. Malchio's reassurance that Athrun had not been doing wrong had actually reminded him of what he had been told before: He tended to put too much importance on what was right and too little on other people's feelings. His own mother had said several times that he could probably use gentler words, or pick a better time or place, when he told others what the right thing was.
He had never really agreed with it. It had always felt unreasonable to him that people wouldn't accept what was right just because of how or when they were told.
After the talk with Reverend Malchio, however, he had felt that he should have taken the advice seriously, and that he should have put more effort into getting better at social interaction, which was never his forte and he had rather neglected improving. Then, he wouldn't have hurt the feelings of the boy who had such a sad background.
It had been the beginning of snack time when he had talked with Malchio. After the talk, Athrun had joined the others who had gathered under a tent in the playground. He had been in a low mood, which turned even worse as he came across the boy who glared at Athrun and stomped away.
Not feeling like eating, Athrun had sat down on a bench, keeping some distance from the others. But soon, Cagalli had come with two pieces of watermelon in her hands. Handing one to him, she had asked whether something had happened between him and the boy; she had witnessed the boy's show of hostility toward Athrun earlier.
He had let out a sigh, not at her question but at his failure. "I was...thoughtless when I talked to him." Another sigh had escaped his lips. "I should've known better. All the children here have some issues concerning their family, after all. I'm so stupid."
He had been rather vague, but she had not pressed for details. Instead, she had lifted her free hand with a concerned face, obviously meaning to stroke his head, but then realized her hand was sticky with the watermelon juice. So, she had made do with nuzzling her arm against his in a comforting way.
"Well, everyone does something stupid once in a while. I don't think you can help it no matter how smart you are," she had said consolingly. "At least now you know you're stupid. That's good."
He had looked at her with disbelief. "Good?" He had not been able to see anything good about it.
"Yeah." She had casually nodded. "As I just said, we can all be stupid sometimes. It's just how we are, I suppose. Then it's no use pondering about why you are so stupid or beating yourself up for that." She had sent him a look that was both knowing and chiding. "But if you're aware of your stupidity, you can try to be less stupid, or try to act stupidly less often at least. So it's good that you've learned how you are stupid, isn't it? It's a lot better than thinking you are so smart you'll make no mistake."
He had listened with admiration for her capability to accept. She didn't blame him, or anyone, for being stupid, for having a flaw. She simply accepted it was how they were, a part of who they were, and just focused on how to deal with it. He had known she was an accepting person, but still felt amazed.
"It sounds right," he had said, gazing at her face, and found her looking at him as if she was expecting him to say or do something. After thinking a little, he had opened his mouth again.
"So, you think I should think about how to make up for my mistake instead of dwelling on the past."
"Exactly." She had nodded with a satisfied smile.
A couple hours later, when the tasks had been finished for the day and the children had started playing in the playground, Cagalli had announced that she and Athrun were going to give a soccer lesson. She had even said that Athrun was a soccer genius, which was a total exaggeration. Well, he had still been good enough at soccer to impress the children who showed interest.
After teaching a couple of tricks to them, Athrun had slowly walked toward the boy he had had a kind of fight with hours ago. The boy had been watching the soccer lesson from the edge of the playground. After his decision to straighten up things between himself and the boy, Cagalli had helped him gather information on the boy and they had found out that the boy loved soccer and was pretty good at it. That had been why they had started the soccer lesson.
Cautiously, Athrun had called out to the boy from several meters away, and asked him to join. The boy had not moved instantly, looking at Athrun with a guarded expression. Remembering the advice he, or rather Cagalli, had gotten from the staff, Athrun had stressed that he would be happy if the boy joined them. After a little, the boy had stood up to come toward Athrun. He had been silent and had a sulky face, looking as if he was joining them only because Athrun had asked.
After playing for a while, however, the boy had dropped his act. Or maybe he had just forgotten to keep pretending. Either way, he had started to look like he was having a very good time.
When the time for Athrun and his friends to leave came, he had apologized to the boy for hurting his feelings, which the boy pretended not to hear. But the boy had said that Athrun wasn't bad at soccer and that he might play a game with Athrun the next time Athrun visited, though of course it was only if the boy felt like it. Athrun had been feeling lighter as he left the children's home.
The memory brought a ray of hope into the darkness surrounding him. Making mistakes wasn't the end, right? It wasn't how Cagalli saw things anyway. She was accepting and forgiving. She wouldn't give up on someone just because they had flaws and did wrong. She would expect him to take an action to atone for his mistakes, for his wrongdoings, instead of wallowing in guilt. He could no longer make it up to his mother, but he could to Cagalli. And she would surely give him a chance. It was the kind of person she was.
He had thought he had been trying to be a good boyfriend for several months before their fight. But he had been wrong. He had been just being selfish, and ignorant. Now that he knew it, however, he could correct his behavior, act better. This time, he could be a truly good, considerate boyfriend, different from his father. He was capable of it, wasn't he? He was able to change, become a better person, wasn't he? He had to be.
Snow was falling on the sidewalk. Chatters and music and car sounds were filling the air. The town was excited for the prospect of White Christmas. But he didn't really notice any of it. His mind was focused on the idea that had come to his head, on the thing he should do to right his wrong.
It wouldn't be easy. No, it would be very tough. Still, it was probably the only way. And it was probably a gesture big enough to show Cagalli the depth of his remorse, enough to earn her forgiveness. It must be.
Thank you for reading. See you next week!
···
Below are replies to reviews.
To Fuyu Aki:
Thank you for another review!
I believe Athrun and Cagalli's story in GSD is more about partnership than romance, and this fic is affected by the belief. You can become lovers just because you like each other. Affection and/or attraction is enough. But in order to become partners, to have a relationship that lasts long in which you share a life, you need more than that, right? You need a real, deeper kind of love which is based on understanding, acceptance, and trust.
Athrun's fixation on ideals is certainly an important part of the problem. He has to confront that part of him to find a solution.
Fighting stereotypes, both those about yourself and those about other people, is also important. That part of this fic is affected by the original series as well. I think one of the messages of GS is, "Don't judge people by their race (or what they are). Don't see them as 'just a Coordinator' or 'just a Natural.' See them as a person and judge them for who they are." Another one is, "Don't base your decision on what you are. Don't do something because you think you have to do it because of what you are (because of your race or job). Make your own decisions as a person instead of letting what you are make the decision for yourself."
I agree with them, and they are as true about gender as they are about race, aren't they?
Anyway, if the story is happening in a different time, not in the end of Athrun and Cagalli's senior year in high school, he probably would've spent a long time in the robotics club and had some exchanges with Meyrin. But in Japanese high schools (and this fic is set in a Japan-like country), seniors usually retire from club activities early in summer in order to focus on preparing for college entrance exams. Therefore, what you assumed won't happen.
At this time of year, high school seniors have to study really, really hard. So Athrun's first choice of distraction is studying, partly because while studying, he could say he was doing the right thing, what he should do, not running away from facing his problems.
Meyrin will appear again, but I can't reveal how and when she does. I don't want to spoil the story :P Sorry!
To PegasusInCage:
Thank you for another review!
Well, Athrun is stubborn and the type to believe he is the right one when he has a disagreement with someone, isn't he? And he had been trying not to think about making Cagalli cry because it made him feel like he was the wrong one in their fight even though he believed he wasn't. He sometimes gets fixated on his righteousness even if it hurts someone he loves; this side of him was shown in the scene on the cliff and in the battle at Crete in GSD.
As for Kira, he was trying to keep his anger in check during his talk with Athrun partly because Cagalli told him not to fight with Athrun because of her; partly because Lacus warned him before they went to Athrun's house that if Kira wanted to know what Athrun was thinking, why Athrun was acting the way he was, Kira needed to maintain some calm while talking to Athrun, and he saw her point.
Also, since it's a month after the fight and Cagalli's breakdown, Kira was more confused and frustrated about Athrun's attitude than angry. He was still a little hostile toward Athrun at first, but what he wanted to do most wasn't yell at Athrun, but understand Athrun's sentiments. Not only so that his frustration will subside to an extent, but also so that he can help Cagalli (and Athrun) better.
Of course, a part of him wanted to yell at Athrun for making his sister cry even after a month. But he knew that the only thing it would do was make him feel better for a little while, that it wouldn't actually help anyone, especially his sister who'd made it clear she didn't want something like that. So he put Cagalli's wish before his desire to release his anger on Athrun. That's how love is, right?
And he waited to talk to Athrun for a month so that his anger would somewhat subside, enough to allow him to have a calm talk with Athrun. Well, he still wasn't sure he was ready to talk with Athrun when he went to have tea with Lacus. He told her about his sentiments, and Lacus offered to accompany him to Athrun's house as a buffer and mediator so that Kira could talk with Athrun without getting into a fight. That's why Kira suddenly decided to have a talk with Athrun after a month.
*posted 03/24/19*
*edited 03/23/21*