English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
Season of Farewell
Chapter 14: Cagalli's Gifts
"Are you going to apply to more colleges?" her homeroom teacher asked, handing her a couple of copies of her report card she needed to include in an application to college.
"I'm not sure," Cagalli replied evasively. "I just wanted some backups in case I decide to. And I didn't want to come to school just to collect papers, you know."
Murrue nodded with an understanding face. "It's a wise thing to do. As I've told, every year, there are students who call to ask for their report card right before the deadline, and some of them have to give up applying to a college just because they can't get the necessary papers in time." The older woman added with a wink, "I was actually a little worried about you. You seemed like that type."
Fully aware that she was rather—quite—careless, Cagalli gave the teacher a coy smile. "My reputation's been fixed now, right?"
"Hmmm." Murrue put on a thoughtful face before teasingly saying, "I suppose we can't make the final call yet. Just don't wait to send the applications until the last minute. You may forget."
"I'll keep it in mind," Cagalli said, her face sobering. She might actually make the mistake.
The teacher put a hand on her shoulder with a reassuring smile. "I'm sure you'll be fine as long as you get the paperwork done properly—and make it in time for exams. You've been putting such an effort into studying and you did so well in National Exam."
"Thanks, Ms. Murrue." Cagalli smiled back.
Giving her another warm smile, Murrue retreated into the faculty room. Cagalli headed for the senior floor.
As she walked up the stairs to the second floor, two boys trotted down the corridor in front of her from right to left, one boy trying to grab a book in the other boy's hand. Shouting at each other, they disappeared from her sight while she reached the landing. She was turning to keep ascending when a girl's yelp came from the direction the boys had gone, which was followed by some noise. It sounded like many papers had been dropped on the floor.
Cagalli changed her path to see whether a hand was needed. She turned around the corner with hurried steps, then stopped short as she recognized the girl standing several steps away in the middle of the corridor. Many papers, a half-open backpack, and some stuff that had apparently spilled out of the backpack were scattered around her. The strawberry-haired girl was looking at the two boys trotting away while still scrambling for the book.
"Sorry!" one of the boys shouted, looking over his shoulder.
It seemed the boy had bumped into the girl, which caused this mess. But he kept chasing after the other boy instead of stopping to help her.
Cagalli walked over to the girl.
"Hey, Meyrin."
The younger girl turned around with a start, her pigtails swinging.
"H-hello."
"So rude, huh?" Cagalli nodded in the direction the boys had gone, squatting to gather the papers.
A pout formed on her lips as Meyrin started collecting her belongings as well. "Yes! I can't believe they just left."
"You should smack their heads next time you see them," Cagalli suggested.
"Uh...maybe..." Meyrin replied with an ambiguous smile.
"Are they all yours?" Cagalli asked, indicating the papers which she found out were math tests already answered and corrected.
"My homeroom teacher told me to bring them to the faculty room," Meyrin explained.
"It's rather a lot. It must be hard for you to carry them alone. I think your teacher was a bit thoughtless," Cagalli commented.
"Well, there was actually someone else assigned to this job as well. My day duty partner. But he said he needed to go home fast and just left these and our other tasks to me. And my friends had their own stuff to do and couldn't help me."
Cagalli made a disapproving face. "Your partner just went home? That's irresponsible."
"It is." Meyrin bobbed her head. "Boys are so immature. Well, not all boys, of course. There are mature boys like Athrun-senpai. I wish those childish boys would follow his example."
Hearing the blunet's name, Cagalli stopped moving for a moment. "Yeah..." She unconsciously turned her face away from Meyrin.
"Oh, um, sorry. I mean...you're fighting, right?" Meyrin hesitantly said.
Cagalli looked at Meyrin with a little surprise. "I didn't think you knew." She was aware that most of the seniors had heard about her fight with Athrun, but had not expected even those in different grades to know about it.
But then, understanding dawned on her. "You must've heard it from Lunamaria, of course." The older redhead was Athrun's classmate and friend. It was no surprise that she was concerned about the fight and had mentioned it to her sister who must be concerned as well.
"Ah...yeah, kind of. And I haven't seen Athrun-senpai in the cafeteria for months."
"Right."
With a small sigh, Cagalli reached out for a colorful paper which stood out among black and white papers. Her gaze swept over it, and she did a double take. It appeared to be the front cover of a university brochure, cut out of the booklet and folded up in half. The name of the university was clearly seen on it. As she stared at the name, her pulse accelerated.
"Cagalli-senpai?"
She awkwardly looked at the other girl. "You are going to FMU?" Her voice sounded a bit weird.
Meyrin's face flushed. "I-I want to." She hurriedly continued, "Not the college of medicine, of course. I'm not that smart. I'm thinking nursing or health science. I know it's still difficult. My grades aren't so good and everyone says it's impossible. But...I wanna try, you know? There's still time and maybe I can improve my grades enough if I work really, really hard. Besides, even if I can't get into FMU, I don't think it's gonna be meaningless to study hard for it." She pointed at the paper in Cagalli's hand. "It's kind of my lucky charm. Or more like a reminder to study hard."
"I...see. Good luck with your study," Cagalli said, passing Meyrin the paper.
They kept collecting the papers and Meyrin's personal belongings silently after that, which ended soon.
Cagalli handed the stuff she had gathered to Meyrin who gave a quick bow. "Thank you for helping."
"No problem." Cagalli paused before quietly saying, "You know, Athrun is planning to go to FMU, too."
She looked Meyrin straight in the eye and the redhead lowered her gaze with a guilty expression.
After a long moment of silence, Cagalli put on a smile and opened her mouth again.
"I remember him saying he'll probably look for tutoring jobs after getting into college. He may be interested in tutoring you."
Meyrin looked up with surprise to stare at her. Cagalli put more effort into maintaining her smile.
"And if he becomes your tutor or if you get into the same college as him, please keep an eye on him, will you? None of his friends are going to college with him, and I'm a bit worried." She casually waved a hand. "Well, if you feel like it, that is. Bye."
As she turned around and began walking, her smile dropped. But she willed herself not to run, though she walked somewhat faster than usual. Her heart bled with each beat and her sight started to blur.
She compressed her lips tightly and held her head high, blinking rapidly. She wouldn't look down or let her tears fall. She owed it to herself.
She had known Meyrin admired Athrun. It had not been difficult to notice it. But she had not realized it was more than that until now, until seeing the look Meyrin had had when she had pointed out that the college the younger girl was hoping to get into was the same as the one Athrun was going to.
The conversation between Athrun and the Hawke sisters she had overheard months ago came to her mind again. It seemed Meyrin had made her college choice because of Athrun.
And it was what he wanted from his girlfriend, wasn't it? It was how he wanted his girlfriend to be.
But Cagalli couldn't be like that. She couldn't live like that. Although she loved Athrun very much and really wanted to stay together with him, it didn't mean she could do anything he asked her of. She couldn't stop being herself even for the sake of love—or especially for the sake of love, perhaps.
Some people, even many people, might say that becoming—or at least pretending to be—the kind of girl Athrun wanted, the kind of girl Meyrin seemed to be, was the way to happiness for a girl, how a girl should be. But Cagalli didn't agree. Her gut was telling her that it wasn't true. Not for her anyway. She couldn't be happy that way. And she didn't believe that loving someone meant becoming unhappy for them.
Athrun might not be able to accept that about her. His offer to go to Tassil didn't seem to her to mean that he accepted her as a whole, including the fact that she wasn't fulfilling his wishes, including her dream and her pursuit of it he didn't like. It had felt more like he was forcing himself to do it because he believed he had to. Otherwise, he wouldn't have offered to do what he actually didn't want to do, what would make him miserable, would he?
The way she saw it, he had not changed much from the time he had been hiding that he didn't like her going to Tassil because he thought voicing it would trouble her, which he probably thought he shouldn't do, and pretending he supported her, even though he apparently didn't want to do that.
To her relief, he didn't seem to be holding onto the idea, the attempt to sacrifice his dream and life, anymore after she had turned down his offer. And hopefully, he was searching for what he needed in order to be happy, and would eventually find it.
And his answer might be breaking up with her. Just like she couldn't fulfill all his wishes no matter how much she loved him, he might not be able to stay together with her no matter how much he loved her, because he needed a different girlfriend in order to be happy. Or he might not want her anymore if she was like this, different from how he wanted his girlfriend to be, determined to not become how he wanted her to be. Whatever the reason was, he might choose to break up with her and date a girl who could give him what she couldn't, a girl like Meyrin.
Learning of the strawberry-haired girl's choice had made Cagalli face the possibility. Seeing with her own eyes that there was a girl who would do it for him had turned it from a mere possibility into the reality, what was quite likely to happen in the future. It had cut her heart deeply.
And yet, she had realized that she still couldn't give up her dream. Ironically, it was the shock of Meyrin's choice that had given Cagalli the final push she needed in order to stick with her plan to go to Tassil.
She had been avoiding Athrun after he had made the offer to go to Tassil mostly because she had been afraid that she might cave in if she talked to him again, not accepting his offer but changing her college choice.
Even after her mind had been settled after talking to Miriallia early this month, there had been a part of her that still considered abandoning going to Tassil University. That part had been small, but existed nonetheless. She had not been able to accept losing Athrun due to her college choice so easily, so completely, even with the certainty that she would regret it if she chose to stay.
That part had become more powerful every time she thought about his offer three weeks ago. Her aversion to becoming the reason why he gave up his dream, hand in hand with her desire to maintain a romantic relationship with him and her terrible longing for him, had been trying to allure her into the easiest path which was giving up going to Tassil. In fact, she had asked her homeroom teacher for additional copies of her report card earlier in case she changed her mind.
But now, that part of her was gone. Her whole mind was set on following her dream, even if it meant Athrun would leave her.
It wasn't an unhappy decision, no matter how painful it was. She needed to do this. For her own sake. For her happiness. And she refused to act like some kind of tragic heroine, because she wasn't one.
As she reached the third floor where her homeroom was, one of her classmates passed by her, waving a hand.
"Bye, Cagalli. Good luck with your exams!" He pointed a finger at her with a wink.
Feeling a smile lifting the sides of her lips a little, she waved back. "Good luck to you, too!"
On her way to her homeroom, then to her desk, she exchanged "Good luck" with a dozen more people. Today was the last day of January, the last day of school for seniors except for the graduation day in March, and this might be the last time they saw each other before their entrance exams.
Cagalli quickly gathered her stuff from her desk and locker, making sure she wasn't forgetting anything, dropped them into her bags, then put on her coat and scarf and hurried for home, all the while continuing to say goodbye and wish luck to any senior student she knew and get a reply in kind. All the exchanges felt like encouragements for her dream, for her choice, and her resolution strengthened each time.
While waiting for a bus at the bus stop, she tapped her foot impatiently. She couldn't wait to put her decision into action.
After getting off the bus, she ran to her house. As soon as she reached her room, she strode over toward her desk, dropping her bags on the floor. Inside the top drawer of the desk was an application form for Tassil University. Placing it on the desk, she let out a long breath.
She considered starting to work right now, but decided she needed to calm down. After all, her handwriting should be neat. She turned on the air-conditioner and went downstairs to hang her coat and scarf she had just remembered she needed to take off, then made a mug of hot chocolate with chili powder to top it off. Breathing in the sweet scent with a hint of spice, she climbed up the stairs, this time with slow steps.
Sitting on her chair, she enjoyed the feeling of the creamy chocolate and the prickling chili spreading in her mouth and then sliding down her throat, warming her body from inside while the air heated by the air-conditioner did it from outside. As she finished most of the chocolate, her body was warm and relaxed.
Deciding she was ready, she put down the mug and picked up a pen to fill the form. Despite the extra care she took in writing, she finished it in no more than ten minutes. It was a pretty simple form. Reading it again to make sure there was no mistake, she nodded with satisfaction.
There was an instruction paper in the top drawer. Opening drawers, she collected the papers required by Tassil University, pasted a photograph of herself on the application form, then put all of them into a large envelope. Now, all she had to do was paying the application fee and sending the envelope. She could probably complete the task tomorrow morning, or afternoon at the latest. Although tomorrow was Saturday, the post office and banks were open in the morning and she could send the fee into the university's account. She was taking Murrue's advice and determined to get it done as soon as possible.
She leaned back into her chair and picked up the mug to take the last swig. Licking her lips, she started putting the mug back down, but changed her mind. Instead, she held it at her eye level to study its surface.
It was a dark blue mug with white stars painted on it. She had bought it because the color was the same shade of blue as Athrun's hair when the sun was shining upon it, and his hair reminded her of the night sky, especially the winter night sky.
Her mind wandered to the conversation she had had with Meyrin earlier. She felt another stab at her heart, but she didn't regret her words. It was another thing she had needed to do for her happiness. She was truly worried since there would be no one who could pay close attention to Athrun even though he had the tendency to neglect looking after himself.
The worry had not been so big when she had decided to go to Tassil first. He had seemed to have been becoming more open to talking about his problems, albeit little by little. She had trusted him to tell her, or Kira or his other friends, when he was seriously troubled by something, to be able to take good enough care of himself despite that tendency of his. She had thought he would be all right even if she moved away and couldn't keep an as close eye on him as now.
However, it had turned out that he had been making himself suffer by keeping his unhappiness about her college choice to himself, seemingly telling no one. It had made her realize that she had probably been wrong to trust him about looking after himself as well. The worry had started increasing, and grown even bigger after his offer to apply to Tassil University, a proof that he was still not taking good care of himself, that he might not be even trying to.
It was another factor that had been swaying her toward staying here, and although she had discarded the idea, the worry was still bothering her. He clearly needed someone to help him. She knew Kira and his other friends would try to watch out for him, but recruiting one more person wouldn't hurt, especially if it was someone who could stay close to him.
As much as it had hurt to ask another girl who loved him to do so, she also felt relieved that now he would be more likely to be looked after. If Meyrin had romantic feelings for him, she would surely pay more attention to him and gave him more care than just a former clubmate of his who had no special feelings for him would. It didn't prevent Cagalli's heart from breaking, but put some balm on the wounds.
What she had done today might lead to Athrun dating Meyrin someday, which she didn't want to think about. However, although seeing him happy with another girl would probably be tough, it was still much better than becoming the reason why he was miserable, ruining his happiness. After all, his happiness wasn't her unhappiness. His unhappiness was.
She wanted him to be all right and happy no matter what. Even if they broke up, even if they both fell in love with someone else, even if they both started dating someone else, she was sure it would never change. And what she had done today might be the last thing she could do for him.
After gazing at the mug some more, she closed her eyes and softly pressed her lips against the midnight blue surface.
As soon as he reached Athrun's desk in his homeroom, his best friend placed a bulging plastic bag—which Athrun knew was full of snacks—on the desk, rubbing his eyes and still looking sleepy.
"It's for you."
Athrun simply nodded. "Thank you."
He had expected this when Kira had texted yesterday evening to ask whether he could come to school today. Seniors weren't required to come to school in February so that they could prepare for entrance exams, or a new life in case of those who had already been accepted by a college, in a way each student saw fit. Many students still came, to just study, ask questions to teachers, or meet friends.
Athrun wasn't one of them. He preferred to study at home or cram school, mostly because of the fight with Cagalli. Teachers and students at the cram school were more focused on studying, without letting themselves get distracted by gossips; most of his classmates there were from different high schools and had no idea of the trouble in his love life to begin with.
Today was an exception, however. He had planned to be at school this day even before Kira's text had come; yesterday had been Valentine's Day. Thankfully, classrooms were open for seniors on all Saturdays including today, though there weren't as many students in the room as he had expected, whether because it was Saturday or it was morning, albeit not really early.
Kira cocked his head a little. "I'm just a delivery guy, you know. The bag's not from me."
"I'm aware of that."
Kira studied Athrun for a moment before nodding. "Do you have anything—any message—you want me to deliver then?"
Athrun silently put the plastic bag into his backpack and pulled out a box of chocolates to hand it to the brunet. Kira looked at the box with surprise, but stashed it into his backpack without asking a question.
The brunet seemed to be trying to just be Athrun's friend recently, rarely mentioning his sister, much less pushing Athrun to take an action, probably because it was really not a good time to be concerned about romance. Colleges had already started giving entrance exams; Athrun had had the exam for his second choice of college earlier this week and was going to have the one for his third choice next week. The one for his first choice—Februarius Medical University—was two weeks later.
He had not applied to Tassil University after all. He had not been able to come up with a way to persuade Cagalli; he had not really wanted to discuss it with her again in the first place for she would probably bring up the idea of breaking up once more. Not to mention he had felt stupid to even consider going to Tassil when she clearly didn't want him there.
So, he had just followed his original plan, which was the easiest way, without talking with her again. He wasn't sure it had been the right decision, but he had not known what else to do. He still didn't.
Forcefully pulling himself away from the thought of his college choice, which could lead to other thoughts that distressed him, Athrun focused his attention back to his friend in front of him. He expected Kira to leave now that his delivery mission was done, but instead, the brunet had taken an empty seat next to Athrun's and was beginning unpacking his stuff on the desk.
Confused, Athrun asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to study, of course," Kira replied without looking at him, plucking a mechanical pencil out of his pencil case.
"This isn't your homeroom." Athrun pointed out the obvious.
Kira just shrugged. "It's not like we're taking a lesson. I don't think teachers will scold me if they find me here."
Kira proceeded to open his book and notebook, starting to write down something. After a moment, Athrun returned to his study with a little shake of head. Kira would do whatever he wanted to do anyway. And it wasn't like Athrun had a complaint about his friend's company.
He went over several pages of his World History workbook before taking a bottle of green tea out of his backpack and took a sip. As he put it back, his eyes fell on the plastic bag Kira had given him. After a minute of hesitation, he opened it to find a bag of coffee candies in it, just as he had expected.
He ripped the bag open, unwrapped a candy, and popped it into his mouth. Somehow, it tasted sweeter than it was supposed to be.
"Hey, can I have one?"
Kira was holding out his hand, showing no doubt that Athrun would grant his wish.
"You can. But these are sugar-free espresso candies. I don't think you'd like it." Athrun angled the bag so that Kira could see the package. Kira had sweeter tooth than anyone he knew and couldn't drink black coffee—unlike his sister who preferred her coffee with some milk and sugar, but could drink it black without turning a hair.
Kira's face turned disappointed. A small pout formed on his lips, which was so much like his sister's and pinched Athrun's chest.
"Don't you have anything sweet? Anything a bit sweeter?"
Athrun hesitated. There might be a chocolate in the plastic bag, which Kira would probably like, but he didn't want to share it with anyone.
"I probably have some dried fruits," Athrun offered, feeling slightly guilty for not mentioning chocolate.
Kira perked up. "Sounds good."
Athrun looked into the plastic bag and took out a bag of dried mango to hand it to Kira. The brunet happily took a piece and gave the bag back to him with "Thanks." Athrun put it back into the plastic bag and closed his backpack. They went back to their own studies.
At lunchtime, they went to the school store to buy Kira's lunch—Athrun had bought his on his way to school—since there was no service in the cafeteria on Saturdays. They had studied a few hours after that, then decided to go home since they both had classes in cram school in the evening.
Normally, Athrun would have gone straight to cram school without stopping by at his house. But his grandmother was staying with him until his exams were over, and she had insisted he should at least have dinner at home when he had declined her offer to make him a lunchbox for he didn't want to trouble her.
She came out of the kitchen as he was taking off his shoes at the entrance.
"Welcome home, Athrun."
He turned around with a smile. "Hi, Grandma."
"Have you eaten a proper lunch? If you're still hungry, I baked a carrot cake. How about a piece?"
In fact, the house was filled with a delicious aroma, and he liked the sweets she made which weren't very sweet to suit his taste. Still, he hesitated.
"I'm not really hungry yet," he said. "I'll have a piece after dinner."
His grandmother nodded. "All right. You said you're leaving at six-thirty, right?"
"Yes."
"Dinner will be ready in an hour then. Oh, and don't forget turning on the air-conditioner in your room. You should keep warm not to get a cold."
"I know. Thanks."
He gave her a nod, and watched her disappear behind the kitchen door. He was hardly a fan of being fussed over. It made him feel somewhat like a child. But still, it felt somewhat good, warm. He also liked someone welcoming him home.
In his room, he put his backpack on the floor next to his desk and pulled out the plastic bag. Seated on his bed, he stared at the white, round bag, his hands slightly moving as if weighing it.
A few minutes passed before he tentatively opened the bag to check its content. At the bottom of the bag, buried under protein bars, dried fruits, and salty snacks, was a bag of chocolates as he had expected—hoped.
He had never told Cagalli the exact date his mother had died, but she seemed to know, probably having heard it from Kira or one of his friends from middle school.
After his mother's death, Valentine's Day had become for him a day to visit her grave with her parents. Two years ago, his first Valentine's Day in high school, had not been an exception. He had taken a day off from school and spent the day with his grandparents who visited for the occasion and stayed the night at his house.
His father had never joined them. Maybe his father preferred visiting his wife's grave alone; maybe visiting the grave was still too painful for him. Athrun wasn't sure. He had sometimes wished his father spent the day with them, but his grandparents' company was soothing enough. They told him stories of his mother, not sad stories but happy memories from her young days, which made him both pleased and melancholic.
The next day, he had still been thinking about his late mother after arriving at school. Sometime before Morning Homeroom began, Cagalli had come and dropped something large and white on his desk. He had stared at it in surprise to realize it was a plastic bag filled with so many stuff that it was almost round.
He had quizzically looked up at her.
"It's my gift for you since you were absent yesterday," she had explained, loosening the handles that had been tied up and opening the bag to show snacks inside it.
Then, she had stared hard into his eyes and asked, "Are you all right?"
He had looked back, then down at the snacks, and then back into her eyes which were still boring into him as if she could, or at least was trying to, see through him. Instinctively, he had understood she knew about his mother. Instead of discomfort he might have felt if it were someone else, amusement had slowly replaced the surprise and melancholy inside him. Her idea of consoling someone about his mother's death with a bag full of snacks had been unexpected and funny, just like her.
His lips had curved up into a genuine smile, albeit a small one. He had slowly said, "Yes, I'm all right. ...Thanks."
She had studied him for a moment, her eyes still intense, before her face relaxed into a relieved smile. "No problem."
He had glanced at the snacks, then motioned toward them. "Would you like some?" He had offered to share them with her partly because of his gratitude toward her and partly because of his desire for her to stay and spend time with him.
She had shaken her head. "No, it's yours."
He had thought a little. "I don't think I can eat all of them by myself. I'd appreciate some help."
Her face had turned thoughtful. "Well, if you insist..."
"I insist."
"Then, I'm happy to help."
They had shared a smile and started eating, chatting about the usual stuff like school and friends, and continued doing it until it was time for her to return to her homeroom.
A month later, in the morning of White Day, he had brought a box of chocolates to her and said, "This is a return gift for your Valentine's Day gift."
With a slightly puzzled face, she had thought a little. "Do you mean those snacks I gave you the day after Valentine's Day?" He had nodded. "It wasn't a Valentine's Day gift. It was a...get-well gift, kind of. So you shouldn't give me any return gift," she had concluded matter-of-factly.
He had been taken aback, but managed to reply. "Even so, I already bought this. So you should take it."
A crease had appeared between her eyebrows as her lips were pressed into a stubborn line. "No. I can't take it. I have no reason to receive such a thing from you." She had crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at him challengingly as if he was forcing something very unpleasant on her.
A little amazed and a little annoyed at her obstinacy, he had insisted some more, but she wouldn't back down. Eventually, he had retreated, realizing that he needed to change his tactics. He had gone to her brother instead and handed Kira the box. Leaving out the part how he had gotten it, he had said Kira could have it since he himself didn't really like sweets, but on one condition that the brunet would share it with his sister. Kira had happily agreed with the deal.
According to Kira's report the next day, Athrun's plan had worked. Cagalli had not only accepted sharing the chocolates with Kira, but been taken with cute chocolate dinosaurs, so much so that she was reluctant to eat them, though she enjoyed their taste in the end, after taking some photos of them. Athrun had felt quite satisfied at his success.
The next year, he had been well-prepared. She had brought him a bag full of snacks the day after Valentine's Day just like the previous year.
He had thanked her and accepted it with a smile, and then held out a box of chocolates. "This is a thank-you gift for your concern."
She had looked surprised, then frowned, appearing to debate in her head whether she should take it.
He had pressed, "It's good to know your friend—or girlfriend—has been concerned for you, and I wanted to properly show you my gratitude."
After a moment, she had nodded. "Okay, then." She had taken the box from his hand. "Thanks."
He had smiled, secretly enjoying the taste of victory. He probably should have adopted this strategy the previous year as well, but he had been caught off guard for he had never expected she would turn down his gift.
She had immediately opened his thank-you gift, sitting on the seat in front of his. Inside had been chocolates shaped like sport balls including a volleyball; she was a volleyball player and liked watching sport games.
With a smile and a laughter, she had regarded the chocolates. "This is great. You have a knack for choosing gifts."
Glad that she liked his gift, he had opened hers and found a bar of mint chocolate in the bag. He had wondered whether she had mistakenly put what she had bought for herself there. Other snacks were the kind he usually bought for himself and the chocolate bar had been out of place. He didn't care much for chocolates though he didn't dislike it, and she had said those snacks weren't a Valentine's Day gift.
He had picked up the chocolate bar to show it to her. "Hey, didn't you buy this for yourself?"
Her face had suddenly turned shy, her eyes looking everywhere but him. "No, it's, um, it's yours. It isn't really sweet. I assure you. I ate one myself. And you like mints fine, right? So, anyway, I thought you might like it...and included it." Her cheeks had grown redder as she rambled.
From her reaction, he had assumed that at least the chocolate bar was her Valentine's Day gift for him. By then, they had been dating for nearly two months after all. She probably had not said what it actually was because Valentine's Day was a sad day for him.
Feeling warm and pleased, he had silently accepted her consideration and taken a bite at the chocolate bar.
"You are right. This is good."
A broad smile had suffused her face at his comment, which melted his face into a fond smile.
It had been such a happy moment. Recalling it in this cold room by himself, it felt like it had happened a long time ago, much longer than a year.
Looking down at the chocolates in his hand—this year's Valentine's Day's gift from her—he wondered how she was acting or feeling toward his gift this year. Did she feel relieved like he had? She wasn't disappointed, was she?
His first idea had been a box of animal-shaped chocolates, but it had reminded him of her college choice so much that he abandoned the idea. Instead, he had bought a gift box at a famous chocolate shop. Although those he had given her were fancy chocolates which should satisfy any girl, somehow he suspected Cagalli would have been happier receiving animal chocolates which were less expensive.
The uncertainty about his choice of gift started growing, and he shook his head to cast it off. At least, he had given her chocolates, hadn't he? He had shown her his feelings—just as she had with her own gift.
A part of him was fully aware that just because she had suggested breaking up, it didn't mean she didn't care about him anymore. Cagalli wouldn't just give up on someone she loved. The snacks in his possession right now, not just the chocolates, were a proof.
Another, larger part of him, however, was still bitter and angry. Not to mention he still didn't get why she objected to his going to Tassil, to the extent of suggesting they should end their romantic relationship no less. She had said that she didn't want to cause him to give up the college he wanted to go to. And he admitted that giving up going to Februarius Medical University was giving up a part of his dream and that it wasn't as easy as he had initially tried to make it seem, both to himself and to her.
Still, it wasn't like she was forcing him. He was volunteering. They weren't the same, right? Although he wasn't thrilled about the choice, he had resigned himself to choosing Tassil University, and was still willing to go with her. Why couldn't she just accept his sacrifice, a generous sacrifice at that? Why couldn't she be happy that they wouldn't have to live far away? If she loved him, she would want to be with him, around him, wouldn't she?
Or it was that although she loved him, she didn't love him that much, not enough to try to hold onto their relationship? Was she okay with just letting it fall apart or fade away because of long distance, or because of her stubborn objection?
Sometimes, like when Kira had given him the bag of snacks and when he had found the kind of snacks he had expected in the bag, he felt she was just the person he knew. But other times, like when he thought about her rejection, he felt like he didn't know or understand her anymore.
Or...maybe he was feeling this way because she had changed. Her feelings for him had changed. Maybe she didn't want to be with him anymore now that she had learned how selfish he was. Maybe it didn't matter that he was trying to make amends. Maybe what he had done was unforgivable to her and nothing he did could change it.
After all, just because she still cared about him to an extent, it didn't mean she was still in love with him. Maybe she had given him the chocolates this year as well only because they were still in a relationship, though barely, not because she still had special feelings for him. Maybe she wanted to return to friends. Maybe she was trying to break up without hurting his feelings too much, using moving to Tassil as the reason instead of what kind of person he was.
Maybe that was why she had avoided him last month, after their talk on the phone until school had ended for seniors; he had barely seen her and when they ran into each other, she had hurriedly left as if running away from him, clearly trying not to look at him. On top of that, she had not come to give him the snacks herself today. Maybe she didn't want to see him or talk to him any longer after the pain and suffering he had caused her. Maybe she didn't want to be even friends with him, at least for a while.
It sounded both likely and unlikely. He didn't know. He wasn't even sure he wanted to know the answer.
The more he thought about it, the darker his thoughts got. It was partly because he was still agitated after the visit to his mother's grave yesterday. It had been particularly hard this year. He had not just felt sad. The guilt concerning his mother had occupied him again, and he had struggled not to let the feeling overcome him, not to look too miserable; he had not wanted to make his grandparents more worried about him than they already were.
Also, for the first time since his mother's death, he had been glad that his father wasn't spending the day with him. If Patrick had been there, Athrun might have lost his temper. The bitterness toward his father he had realized during Lacus's concert had also risen at the grave, which had already deepened after his brief talk with his father on New Year's Day.
On the day, Patrick had come home early in the evening and they had eaten New Year dishes they had ordered out together, as they usually had when Lenore was alive and Patrick wasn't too busy except for that the dishes had been mostly homemade then. It had actually been the first time Athrun had spent New Year's Day and shared those special dishes with his father after his mother had died. He had been torn between pleasure that came from the situation and anger he had found in him only a little more than a week before.
During the mostly silent dinner, he had tried to suppress his anger, but had not been able to stop himself from mentioning the matter bothering him. A part of him had foolishly hoped that he might find out he was mistaken about his father and his parents' relationship, that his father might have actually been aware of his mother's hardship and feeling sorry for causing it.
"By the way, Father," he had started cautiously, "I was thinking about our move from Junius to here the other day. And I thought it must've been hard for Mother. Her commuting time increased a lot and she often looked tired."
Patrick had not shown even a fraction of guilt. "It might have been hard," he had agreed. "But she chose it. She could've quit or changed workplaces if she didn't want to spend a long time commuting. Yet she didn't." He had furrowed his brow as if he was irritated or frustrated. "She should've done so, in fact, instead of clinging to the job."
Making his own frown, though it was smaller, Athrun had pointed out, "Mother loved the job there. I think she was devoted to the projects she was working on."
"It doesn't change that it was a foolish decision," Patrick had said in a rather cold voice, then shaken his head a little. "I don't understand why she couldn't have made a wiser choice like quitting the job and staying at home to begin with. Well, women tend to let their emotions control them instead of thinking and acting logically. And make such a foolish mistake."
Before Athrun could form a reply, Patrick had stood up. His face had been stern, which was usual, but he had looked even more callous then. "I'm done with the meal."
His father had then stridden toward his study, leaving Athrun disappointed and upset. It had seemed that Patrick had not realized the effect of his words on his son. Maybe because he had not paid enough attention to Athrun. Maybe because he had not cared about Athrun's feelings in the first place.
The conversation had just proved Athrun's suspicion right. Patrick seemed to think it had been Lenore's own fault that she was having a hard time after the move, not even considering the possibility that he was, at least partly, responsible for her suffering. And instead of showing some understanding for her devotion to her job, for her feelings, he had just treated her like a stupid person.
Patrick's attitude had strengthened Athrun's dislike of their similarities and desire to become different from his father. Those feelings had encouraged him to change his college choice though his plan didn't work out, rejected by Cagalli.
At any rate, Athrun didn't want to see his father, especially with both the guilt toward his mother and the anger toward his father renewed after the visit to her grave. He was actually glad that Patrick came home even less often around this time of the year. He had not seen his father since New Year's Day. Most of the times when Patrick had come home had been when Athrun wasn't at home or awake. Once, he had realized his father was back while studying in his room at night by the sound from outside the room, but his father had not come into his room or said something to him through the door; Athrun had done nothing, either.
He was afraid he might act on his anger next time he talked with his father, which he didn't want to do. It seemed too childish and foolish, and was likely to worry his grandmother if it happened during her stay. But he didn't know what to do with the emotion, how to keep it under control. So, he was hoping he could avoid seeing his father until he somehow figured it out.
The bitterness might have decreased if Cagalli had accepted his offer to go to Tassil, if she had let him prove he wasn't like his father. He might not be as different from his father as he would like since he was hardly happy about putting her dream before his, a part of him holding onto that dream of going to Februarius Medical University, that ambition.
But still, he wasn't the same as his father. He was willing to make a real sacrifice for his and Cagalli's relationship, for his girlfriend. He was willing to change his college choice instead of making his girlfriend change hers even now.
There was actually still a way for him to be close to her during their college life. In addition to the main entrance exam in February, colleges conducted another, smaller-scale exam in March so that students could have more chances. It was already past the deadline to apply for even that later exam for Tassil University. But there was a private medical university near Tassil, which accepted applications for its later exam until the end of February. The university was only half an hour away from Tassil University by train.
Although he had given up applying to Tassil University, he had sent for the application form for the private university and gotten it prepared in case she changed her mind. He would take the path if only she started appreciating his offer, his willingness.
But it didn't seem to be happening. It seemed like she would never give him a chance. And he couldn't help wondering whether he could never gain forgiveness from Cagalli just as he couldn't ever gain one from his mother.
The prospect of his and Cagalli's future was so gloomy as far as he could see, and the feelings concerning his parents, which were unsettling enough on their own, added to the distress, almost causing him to reach his limit.
Honestly, he wasn't sure whether he could have been maintaining his somewhat dejected, but calm appearance if this was a different time. Thankfully, however, he had the college entrance exams to prepare for, the non-personal, non-emotional problems to deal with, and they were supposed to be his top priority. All he had to do was do what he should, and studying helped him, taking his mind off the personal, emotional problems, off these emotions.
It had until minutes before anyway, until he had let his mind wander to the place he had been trying hard not to go to: wondering about what Cagalli wanted with him, which was too disturbing, making him feel lost and depressed.
He dropped his eyes to the bag of chocolates he was holding to gaze at it almost beseechingly. At least, Cagalli had not completely abandoned him. Probably he should just focus on that, putting everything else out of his head.
According to the package, the small balls of dark chocolate had peach jam in them; peaches were his favorite fruit. He carefully ripped the bag open and ate one of the balls inside. The sweetness of peach and the bitterness of dark chocolate filled his mouth. He closed his eyes to savor the bittersweet taste. It somehow pained him and soothed him at once.
The smooth, thick feeling and rich flavor started to disappear, and he put another piece in his mouth, then another, and another, until the bag became empty.
A/N: This fic is set in a Japan-like country. In Japan, Valentine's Day is a day when women give chocolates to men, though nowadays, many women exchange chocolates with other women. On March 14th, a day called White Day, men give return gifts to women who gave them chocolates.
Thank you for reading. See you next week!
···
Below is the reply to review.
To Fuyu Aki:
Thank you for another review!
Kira was leaning toward being Cagalli's brother when he and Athrun talked before Lacus's concert. But after hearing about Athrun's offer to go to Tassil from Cagalli, his attitude toward Athrun softened, and he also started to worry about Athrun. So, now, he is neutral, trying to be there for both his sister and his best friend. After all, he is the closest person to both of them.
Yeah, Athrun has a kind of trust issue. The question is, Why doesn't/can't he trust Cagalli? That's one of the things he has to think about but hasn't.
In the reply to you in Chapter 10 ("The Blind Spot"), I wrote that Athrun and Cagalli have to dig deeply into themselves to solve the problem they are facing. Athrun did it a little in Chapter 11 ("Guilt"), but he barely scratched the surface, and hasn't dug further since. It's partly because he is pretty occupied with handling, or rather, suppressing his emotions. He is the type to try to lock up his emotions and avoid properly dealing with them. So, he doesn't have much experience of sorting out his emotions so that they would calm down to an extent and he could start actually tackling the problem without being blinded by the emotions. And this lack of experience has been influencing his behavior.
Anyway, I can't really explain Athrun's sentiments until he does it himself in the story. If you still don't understand it after that, ask me then.
Yzak is actually going to show up and make some comments on Athrun's problem with Cagalli, playing an important role. But I'm not sure if you will like it.
My fic is clearly influenced by Athrun and Cagalli's story in GSD, but as you pointed out, this fic isn't the same as the original story. There has been some differences, and there will be more. To know how different this fic will end up from the original story, you have to keep reading.
And don't worry about your review being long. It actually encourages me to know that my fic can stir up a lot of thoughts and/or emotions in my readers. Furthermore, knowing my readers' opinions and interpretations helps me improve the fic.
So, don't hesitate to give me a long review! ;)
*posted 04/14/19*
*edited 01/19/21*