English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.

Season of Farewell

Chapter 15: Another Possibility

Stepping out on a sidewalk, Athrun glanced at the sky. It had been raining this morning, but now, patches of blue were found among gray clouds. As he started walking, a familiar voice reached his ears.

"Athrun-san!"

Across the street was a hamburger chain store he sometimes stopped by with his friends from karate lesson. Its doors were open and a girl was standing at the entrance and waving her arm at him.

He raised a hand to show her he had noticed her so that she wouldn't try to come to him. Then he looked right and left. There was no crosswalk on the street, which was a source of concern among parents and instructors at his dojo. He made sure all cars were far away and ran across the street, restraining his bag and umbrella, to stop in front of the brown-haired girl waiting for him outside the store.

"Hello, Mayu," he said with a smile. "It's been a while."

"Yeah, I miss you." She pouted. "I did great at a competition last month and I wish you'd been there to see it."

Softening his face, he gently pushed the younger girl into the store. She wasn't wearing a coat and he didn't want her to get a cold. "Sorry. I've been busy."

"I know. Is your study going well?"

"It is, thanks."

He looked around the store to find her brother sitting at a nearby table. Shinn lifted a hand, drinking from a large plastic cup with a straw. Among the three other seats at the table, two were occupied by the siblings' bags. One empty seat was facing the front wall of the store made by glass; Mayu must have seen Athrun coming out of the dojo from her seat.

Putting his arm around her shoulder, Athrun steered Mayu toward the table. "What are you and your brother doing here?" He looked at her quizzically. Their karate lessons were supposed to be on Saturday afternoon, and today was Sunday.

"We changed our lessons to Sunday afternoon, at least until the end of school year," she explained. "Mom and Dad ordered Big Brother to take some special course at a cram school because his tests were so bad, and it's on Saturday afternoon. So we had to change the time for our karate lessons." Telling him, she sat on a chair, over the back of which her coat was hung.

"You didn't have to tell him about my grades," Shinn grumbled.

Removing her bag from the chair next to hers, she playfully stuck out her tongue at her brother. "I had to tell him it's your fault."

Making a face at her, Shinn looked at Athrun while Mayu was pulling Athrun's arm, nudging him to sit next to her. "Why are you here? I thought it's still too early for you to come back."

As he took the seat and placed his bag on his lap—he didn't want to put it on the floor which was rather dirty with mud—Athrun replied, keeping his tone nonchalant, "I took a morning lesson just for today. I needed some exercise."

He had stopped taking regular karate lessons since December to focus on studying. This morning, though, he had felt he needed a break, from the distressing feelings concerning his parents and Cagalli rather than from studying. After being stirred by visiting his mother's grave the day before yesterday and Cagalli's chocolate yesterday, the emotions had kept bothering him last night, not letting him sleep well; just concentrating on studying had not seemed enough to lock them up into somewhere deep inside him at least for a while. He had needed another way to let off steam.

So he had gone to the dojo. Focusing all his attention on the forms or the opponents had been refreshing, and relaxing in a way. And he was feeling better now, more in control.

Wanting to change the subject, he turned his face to Mayu. "You said you'd done well at a competition?"

With a smile, he listened to her describe her matches at the competition, offering praises and advices now and then, until Shinn interrupted her, looking up at a clock on the wall.

"We gotta go, Mayu. We're gonna be late."

The siblings hurriedly stood up and collected their stuff, putting back their coats on. Athrun stood up as well, but someone called his name. He turned around to find another familiar face.

"Meyrin? Hey."

The redhead was wearing a uniform of the hamburger chain. He had known she had a part-time job here and seen her working several times, but had not realized she was at work today until now.

She came scurrying toward him and gave a small bow. "Hello, Athrun-senpai." She looked up at him from under her lashes. "I know you're busy, but...can you stay a bit longer? There's something I've been wanting to ask you and my shift ends in fifteen minutes."

Puzzled, he gave a nod. "Sure."

Her face turned into a smile. Thanking him with another bow, she went back to the counter.

The Asuka siblings left the store, waving at him and Meyrin. As Athrun seated himself again, putting his bag on Mayu's former seat, Meyrin came to place a cup of coffee on a table in front of him.

"It's on me."

He started to protest, but she shook her head. "It's just a token of gratitude since you're sparing time for me. You like your coffee black, right?"

He was still hesitant, but, after a moment, conceded. "Yes, thanks." The coffee was already poured into a cup and if he rejected, it would probably be thrown away; he had been raised not to waste food, or drink.

She hurried back toward the counter and he picked up the cup, resting his umbrella against the table. Taking a sip from the cup, he leaned back in his seat and wondered how to kill time.

His usual and favorite way was thinking about robots, the one he was working on or what his next project should be. He could kill a long time doing it.

But right now, it wasn't exactly pleasurable. During summer, he had started working on a white lion robot about the size of a cat. He had kept it secret from Cagalli, meaning to give it to her, as a graduation gift if he could finish it in time or her birthday gift next year if he couldn't. After the fight with her, however, he had put it away. It reminded him too much of her, and he didn't want to think about graduation or what came after that.

And he had not been able to come up with a new project, partly because he had already spent most of his robot budget for months on the lion robot. It wasn't exactly that he didn't have money. He had free access to his father's bank account and his father wasn't interested in checking how much money Athrun spent or on what as long as the overall expense fell within reasonable range. But Athrun had made his own rule about how much he could spend on hobbies, and been sticking with it.

So, his budget was tight, in addition to the fact that the thought of creating a new robot almost always ended up returning to the lion robot, partly because he didn't like quitting in the middle of things.

During the past few months, when he wanted to do something robot-related as a breather between studying, he had tried to improve old programs or disjointed old robots, sometimes just putting it back together afterward and sometimes sorting out the parts and stashing them so that he could recycle them for another robot in the future. He had even borrowed Torii from Kira at the end of last month just so that he had something to work on.

In short, he didn't have much robot stuff to think about, not if he wanted to stay away from any thoughts related to his and Cagalli's future anyway.

Sighing, he decided to check his phone. There might be new texts from his friends to read, or he could use some study applications. Kira had sent him some funny video, but Athrun didn't have earphones with him and didn't like to make people around him hear videos he was watching. He would watch it later and send his opinion to Kira.

Yzak had sent him the link to a chess puzzle, along with the time it had taken the silver-head to solve it. They were both chess players, Athrun a little better, and often sent each other a chess puzzle they had found, competing how fast they could solve it.

The puzzle had taken Yzak eleven minutes, about the time Athrun had to kill. He opened the link and glanced at the time, sipping his coffee, then began solving it.

"—pai, Athrun-senpai?"

He blinked, and looked up, dragging his mind back from chess moves and strategies.

"Meyrin? You..." He glanced down at the time on his phone. "You are early." It was five minutes earlier than he had expected her.

"Ah, yes. My manager"—she motioned toward a man at the counter—"said I could leave early since it's just five minutes or so and there isn't much to do." There were only a couple of customers aside from Athrun inside the store.

"I see..." He glanced at his phone again, most of his mind still on the puzzle.

"Did I interrupt something?" she asked, and offered, "I can wait if you need some time."

"Well..." He hesitated, but couldn't resist the offer. "Will you give me five minutes?"

"Of course." She sat opposite him and he returned to the puzzle.

In the end, it had taken him thirteen minutes to solve it, though it would've been shorter if he had not been interrupted. Holding back a sigh, he sent the time to Yzak who would surely send back a couple of gloating comments. He shouldn't have started solving it in a place where someone could interrupt him.

He made a mental note for future reference and turned his eyes to his companion to meet blue-gray eyes. Meyrin seemed to have been watching him. She bashfully smiled at him, which he met with an apologetic smile.

"Sorry for the wait. Shall we go?" Finishing the coffee, he stood up. After putting the empty cup in a nearby trash can, he picked up his bag and umbrella.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I asked you to wait in the first place." She stood up as well, a pink umbrella in her hand and a white bag over her shoulder. "I'm sorry for asking you to spare me some time when you must be really busy studying, but I didn't know when I could see you again. I mean, I know you'll come to school for the graduation ceremony, and I'll see you at the farewell party of the robotics club. But I suppose you're gonna be busy and wasn't sure if I'd have a chance to talk to you about this." She seemed a little nervous, or excited.

"It's all right. Don't worry," he replied.

They went out of the store and he automatically looked up. Dark clouds had taken over the sky now and he couldn't find the blue behind them. He just hoped the rain wouldn't start again. As they started walking toward the nearest subway station, a gust of cold wind came. With a gasp, Meyrin tightened her scarf around her neck.

Glancing at her, he noted she was wearing a coat and a scarf, but not gloves—just like Cagalli.

Meyrin massaged her hands. "It's so cold, yeah? I shouldn't have forgotten my gloves. Well, at least the rain's stopped now."

"Yeah..." he absentmindedly said.

Cagalli didn't like gloves for they interfered with things she did with her hands. He had advised her to buy fingerless gloves a couple of times, but she made do with pulling down her sleeves to cover most of her hands; he had not pushed. And after they had started dating, he secretly appreciated her lack of gloves since it made it easier for him to hold her hand.

But she usually started to wear a scarf around the beginning of November, tightly wrapping it around her neck. She didn't like the cold weather much, her favorite season being summer. Although she had a few scarfs, her favorite was a light green one with a picture of orange hibiscus stitched on it.

In the winter of their freshmen year, she had said, smiling and waving the edge of the scarf where the flower was, "I bought this because hibiscuses are one of my favorite flowers. And the flower reminds me of summer even in winter."

The other favorite flower of hers was some kind of lily, but he couldn't recall the name.

He unconsciously knitted his eyebrows. He didn't like the feeling that it was just there but stuck and wouldn't come out. The name meant "white," he was sure, but it wasn't English. And the name meant something more, having another word—

As someone grabbed his arm with a yelp, he was pulled out of his thoughts. He looked to his right.

Still hugging his right arm, Meyrin shyly smiled up at him. "Sorry. I lost balance. I thought that car was going to splash me and tried to avoid it." She glanced over her shoulder at a car driving away.

He realized there were puddles on the road next to the sidewalk; when a car drove by, it splashed pedestrians with muddy water.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you walk that side." He placed a hand on her back and gently steered her to change their positions. Now he was closer to the road.

"Oh, thanks." Her cheeks turned pinker.

As they resumed walking, he asked, "So, what was it that you wanted to ask me?" He felt a little bad that he had been distracted and more or less ignoring her.

"Well, I was talking to Cagalli-senpai last month—actually, the last school day for seniors—and she said you're considering getting tutoring jobs when you become a college student."

"That's right." He half-heartedly nodded. Cagalli had been talking about him, not about their fight but him.

"Then, will you—do you mind tutoring me?" Meyrin asked nervously.

A little surprised, he considered it. Except for sending the snacks through her brother, Cagalli had tried to have no contact with him, shown no sign of changing her attitude toward his going to Tassil. It was very unlikely that he would apply to the private university near Tassil, which was their last hope to stay close during college.

And all the colleges he had applied for so far were around here and wouldn't require him to move out of his house. It meant he could probably take Meyrin's offer whichever college he would be going to. It also meant he and Cagalli would probably live far away from each other after graduation—whatever the status of their relationship was.

He stamped on the depressing thought and tried to distract himself with the idea of tutoring Meyrin. It actually seemed like a good idea. Getting along with new people wasn't his forte. He didn't think it would be a big problem while getting tutoring jobs; he would be their tutor, not their friend. But if he could get a job with someone he already knew and got along well enough with, it would be better.

He looked at the redhead. "It sounds good. I can probably do that."

Meyrin's face lit up. "Thank you!"

"Though I can't make a promise until...I'm sure about my college situation, like which college I'm going to," he cautiously said.

He didn't want to get Meyrin's hopes up in case something changed his situation with Cagalli and he would end up moving away with her even if the chance was so slim.

"Of course." Meyrin didn't seem to be deflated. "Still, thank you."

He gave her a smile. "Actually, I thank you for the offer. It'd be helpful to me."

"I'm really glad to hear that." She appeared genuinely excited, her steps nearly bouncing. It heartened him that someone appreciated him, that at least someone needed him even though it was only as a tutor.

As he turned his eyes forward, they fell on a pool of water on the sidewalk only several steps before them. It was on the side Meyrin was walking on and looked too large for her to step over.

"Watch your step."

Seeing she wasn't paying attention to the ground, he placed an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close so that she could walk around the pool. She thanked him again, her face flushed.

He let go of her after passing the puddle and they silently walked for a few moments. Then she opened her mouth again.

"Do you think it's possible for us to start during spring break? I mean, assuming you become my tutor?" she asked a little tentatively. "I know you'll be busy preparing for the college life and all, but I wanna start as soon as possible."

"I can't say for sure yet, but I'll keep it in mind," he replied, appreciating the enthusiasm of his possible future student. "Have you picked colleges yet?" If she had, he could check the information and create a study plan specific to the colleges' entrance exams when he was done with his exams and had more time.

She averted her eyes, her face growing red. "I...um...I'm actually hoping to get into...FMU. Nursing or health science." He was slightly surprised. Before he made a comment, she looked at him and continued with haste, "I know it's gonna be difficult. But I promise I'll work hard and do everything you say. So...can I at least try, please?" She gave him a beseeching look.

He smiled to show her his approval. "Of course you can. It's always good to have a higher aim, and your determination to work for a tough goal should be praised."

She looked greatly relieved, almost near tears. "Thank you," she said in a small voice.

"I can't promise you'll surely get accepted, but I promise to give you as much help as I can."

He tried to make his smile and voice as reassuring as possible. He knew aiming for a difficult goal wasn't always understood or appreciated. By the look of her, she had probably been told to give up by some people. They might have meant well; he couldn't say since he didn't know how good—or bad—her grades were.

But you could never tell how high people could reach until they put all their efforts into it. He had learned that mostly from his experiences with the Hibiki twins. Although they had never been students with outstanding grades, they could do surprisingly well in tests or projects when they set their mind to it, which often amazed Athrun. He was sure about their success in college entrance exams—which meant Cagalli was going away for sure.

He quickly did another suppression of thought, trying hard to maintain his smile. Now wasn't the time to think about it. He didn't want to think about it ever, if possible.

He forced his mind back to helping the girl in front of him. Thinking about it was a lot easier and somewhat soothing. "I'd like to know your scores for end-of-the-year tests. Then, I could create a better study plan. Do you still have my number?"

They had exchanged their phone numbers along with other members of the robotics club so that they could share information on club activities. But they had never exchanged personal messages and she might have erased his number after he had retired from club activities.

Meyrin bobbed her head, her eagerness back. "Of course! I'll text you the scores as soon as I have them!" Her smile looked both relaxed and excited. "And thanks for what you said. It means so much to me you support my decision. I wanna go to FMU because of you," she said casually.

After a few steps, she stopped cold. He took two more steps before stopping and turning to look at her.

She was staring at him with a horrified face. "I...I..." she stammered, seemingly unable to continue.

Confused, he regarded her. Aside from the obvious panic, there seemed to be some guilt in her expression as if she had done something she shouldn't do, or said something she shouldn't say. His mind automatically began going over what she had been saying and doing before she had suddenly started acting weird.

He blinked as a thought occurred to him.

But it wasn't possible, was it? She couldn't have meant it that way. She must have meant just that he had inspired her to aim high or something of the sort, and be acting like this for an entirely different reason. He was only misinterpreting things because he had been struggling with the problem concerning Cagalli's college choice so much. The stress must have gotten the better of him, making him see a connection to his problem in everything even when they were completely unrelated.

He shook his head a little, abandoning the attempt to understand Meyrin's behavior. Slightly turning his body forward, he prompted her, "We'd better get going."

Before he fully turned his back to her, a frantic voice came.

"A-Athrun-senpai!"

He slowly looked over his shoulder at her, and seeing the look on her face, felt a slight sense of dread he was rather familiar with. He forced a smile, still hoping he was mistaken.

"Meyrin, we need to hurry. Your family must be waiting for you for lunch, I suppose?" He didn't mention his grandmother was also waiting for him to have lunch together since it seemed impolite.

Meyrin's face faltered, becoming uncertain, and for a moment, he was relieved, thinking she would just go along with him. But then, her face turned hurt and sad. She looked down as if trying to hide her face from him.

Feeling at a loss, he turned toward her to stare at her, acutely aware of the curious looks of passersby. If there was any solace, there weren't many people around and no one seemed interested enough to stop to watch them in this cold weather.

After a while, he hesitantly opened his mouth though he wasn't sure what to say. "Meyrin..."

"I...I'm okay," she replied with a sniffle, which caused his heart to sink. Her hand rubbing her face, she continued, "I knew it. I mean, you're dating Cagalli-senpai." She hastily looked up, her eyes wide, her expression somewhat frantic. "I didn't mean to steal you from her or anything. Please don't think that. I didn't even mean to say it. It just...slipped out. I'm sorry..."

He dropped his gaze. "No. I am sorry...I didn't know."

He had known her for years since middle school. But she had always been Lunamaria's younger sister who was polite and rather shy—except for when talking to her sister, perhaps—or an obedient junior good at programming. Although they had belonged to the same club for a year and a few months in high school, he had never worked closely with her. He had worked mainly on robots' bodies while she worked on programs and he had always gone to Kira when he needed a programmer. He didn't even see her as an actual friend and he had never sensed she liked him that way.

"Yeah...I know," she said weakly.

He swallowed before continuing, "And I'm sorry I can't return your feelings."

A painfully long moment of silence passed, then she said in a small voice, "I still want you to tutor me...will you?"

He lifted his eyes, his eyebrows furrowed. He had actually been considering turning down the offer after all. It didn't feel like a good idea anymore.

He started to say so, but she beat him. "I promise I won't make things awkward for you. If you don't wanna be alone with me, I can ask my sister to be there. Or my mom. She's usually at home and we can study in the living room while she's doing housework or something. Please..."

She sounded desperate with a begging look on her face, and he felt bad about rejecting her again, hurting her feelings twice. And unlike the other thing she apparently wanted, he could give her this one. Not to mention he had given her his word that he would help her as much as he could, and she needed him to follow through on it—needed him—so much.

He stiffly nodded. "Okay."

The tutoring wouldn't start at least another few weeks. Hopefully, her feelings for him and her pain from his rejection would somewhat fade by then, or even better, she might change her mind about being his student. If these things didn't happen, then he would act strictly as her tutor so that she didn't get any wrong ideas.

He wondered whether she wanted to change her choice of college now that she knew he couldn't accept her feelings, but he didn't want to prolong this conversation more than necessary. He could ask her about which college she was aiming for now later, when she sent him her scores, perhaps.

She let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you. I really appreciate that." A pause. "I...I just remembered I forgot...something at the store, so..." She motioned her hand backward.

He nodded, glad that they didn't have to bear an awkward walk to the subway station. "Goodbye, then."

"Goodbye...and I'm really sorry I disturbed you at such a time." She bowed deeply before turning around and running away.

With a sigh and slumped shoulders, he turned around and resumed walking toward the station, his eyes on the ground.

Although he was used to receiving love confessions—despite his wish—it always lowered his mood. He didn't like to see people sad, especially women. He hated to be responsible for their pain or tears. He didn't want to hurt a girl's feelings, and yet, when she asked him out, he had no other choice but to do that.

The desire to see Cagalli swelled up within him. He wanted to hold her in his arms, which would comfort him. She would comfort him. He just wanted to be with her, feel her with his whole being, body and heart. Right now, he wanted it more than anything. But he couldn't have it.

He shivered, feeling like the temperature had suddenly dropped.

His mind wandered back to the beginning of last year. In the end of January, his mood had begun declining as his mother's death anniversary neared and he thought about her more often. A little later, Cagalli had started to hug him much more often and for no apparent reason. It had been a surprise for she had been somewhat shy about their physical contacts since they had started dating about a month before, which was actually adorable. She had told him she just felt like it even though her face was always red while hugging him and she still acted like just touching him, let alone hugging him, made her quite jittery.

He had never asked, but sensed that the change in her behavior came from her desire to comfort him. Her affectionate gestures had pleased him; her concern had warmed and comforted him, protecting him from the sadness to an extent.

But now, the memories brought him neither pleasure nor comfort. They just reminded him of what he was losing, what was slipping out of his hands, and that he probably couldn't keep it no matter how tightly he tried to hold onto it.

He took several more steps, then stopped short. "Casa Blanca."

It was the name of the other favorite flower of Cagalli's. She had told him it was actually her grandfather's favorite and it had rubbed off on her. She was a grandpa's girl.

He felt a little pleased that he had found the answer to a question no matter how trivial it was. But the thought of the flower strengthened his longing for Cagalli. And its name—"white house"—reminded him of the dream he had entertained before this Tassil thing happened: sharing a home with her someday.

Wishing he could find out the answer to his problem with her just as easily, he let out a long breath which became a white puff to quickly dissipate into the air. His dream of living together with her was probably just as feeble, destined to disappear without never taking an actual form.

Closing his eyes so that he didn't have to see his breath, he heaved an even heavier sigh.

"So you're gonna be a doctor, huh?" his orange-haired friend said, scratching his arm and trying to poke his finger under his cast.

"That's the plan," Athrun replied, sitting on the floor near Rusty's desk.

"Then, next time I get my arm or leg broken, maybe you can be my doctor." Rusty threw Athrun a grin from his chair.

"You know, it sounds like you're planning to break it," Yzak pointed out, sipping from his cup of tea.

"Yeah, I thought you hated wearing a cast," Dearka chimed in, sitting on the bed and looking up from a magazine he had borrowed without asking the owner.

"Well, if I get to be a professional player, I'm gonna have more chances of injury, I guess." Rusty shrugged, his unharmed arm playing with a soccer ball signed by some famous player.

"I don't think you should take injuries lightly," Athrun said a little warningly.

"I know, I know." Placing the ball on his desk, Rusty reached out to pat Athrun's shoulder with an easygoing smile. "Don't worry, Doc."

"I hope your injury won't affect your college acceptance, will it?" Nicol asked with concern. Rusty had told them he had been accepted by a college because of his soccer skills.

"Nah. My doctor assured me my arm will be completely fine. Though it sucks I can't really play until it becomes better, you know? Getting injured, I don't mind so much. Having to rest and go to hospital is the worst part. It's so boring." Rusty moved his legs as if he was imagining playing soccer.

Athrun's face softened. Rusty somewhat reminded him of Cagalli. In fact, when Athrun had broken his leg about two years ago—and after they had gotten over a fight concerning his injuries—she had kept asking him whether he wasn't bored and trying to entertain him even though he didn't mind spending time indoors or going to hospital much.

"I remember when—" He started with a small smile, but quickly broke off, his face tightening. He shook his head. "Never mind."

His friends were looking at him curiously. Careful not to meet any of the gazes, he stretched out his hand to grab a cup of warm tea on a tray on the floor, which Rusty's mother had brought a little while ago.

"I met Miguel-senpai the other day, by the way," Nicol said. "Did you know he's the lead singer in a band? He invited me to his concert next week."

"Huh, that's cool," Rusty said in an impressed tone. "Come to think of it, he was pretty good at singing. Remember the school festival in our junior year?"

Relieved, Athrun listened to his friends talk about their middle school days, occasionally joining the conversation.

Two days ago, Sunday evening after Valentine's Day, Nicol had texted the other three about Rusty's injury another old friend had told him. They had agreed to pay a visit to their old classmate—all four of them had shared a class with Rusty in middle school though not at once—and managed to visit together despite their busy schedules. And it turned out to be a chance to share reminiscences, which was a welcomed distraction for Athrun.

Although it was a pleasant time, they ended the conversation before long. After all, Athrun, Yzak, and Dearka still had a couple of entrance exams to prepare for; the blond even had one tomorrow.

"Thanks again for coming, guys," Rusty said, standing at the entrance of his house to see them off. "I really appreciate it. And good luck with your exams."

They said goodbyes and started walking toward a subway station nearby, continuing to talk about the past.

About halfway to the station, a melodious sound came and Dearka fished out his phone to tap the screen. "Huh? What's this?"

"What is it?" Nicol asked.

"I asked Miri for some photos from New Year, but she sent me one of a river...and some runner?" Dearka moved his fingers, seemingly enlarging the picture. "Wait, isn't this Cagalli?" He turned his phone screen to Athrun.

A person with golden hair was running on a bridge. The face was still blurry even though the picture was enlarged, but Athrun could distinguish her.

"Yeah, it's her," he quietly answered, feeling a mixture of longing at seeing such an ordinary sight of her and discomfort at talking about her.

His problem with her and the negative feelings related to it, which had been pushed to the back of his mind for a little while thanks to their recollection of past events, came back and started lowering his mood.

Looking weirdly at Athrun's face for a moment, Dearka shrugged. "I guess Miri mixed up photos." The blond dropped his gaze on his phone and started to tap the screen.

After a moment of silence, Nicol opened his mouth. "So, Yzak, you said—"

"You're still fighting with Cagalli, huh?"

Athrun stopped dead. The other three did the same. The air around them turned tense.

"It's been what? Three months? Four?" Yzak threw Athrun an annoyed look. "Whatever it is you're fighting about, can't you just get over it?"

"That's none of your business," Athrun returned in a hardened voice.

"You make it my business when you act weird about her and make us tiptoe around you."

"I didn't ask you to do anything."

"No, you just sulk and expect others to get the hint," Yzak jeered. "How long are you going to continue? Until Cagalli grovels for your forgiveness?"

Athrun deepened his frown. "Stop assuming I'm the one dragging this. You don't know anything."

Yzak lifted his shoulder. "I know Cagalli doesn't hold grudges. So it should be you dragging this fight out for so long."

Yzak and Cagalli often argued, both being blunt and short-tempered. After they got it out of their systems, though, they easily returned to peaceful exchanges, until they found something else to argue over. Therefore, Yzak might know Cagalli better than Athrun did with regard to this kind of stuff, which irritated Athrun.

"You wouldn't be happy either if your girlfriend was going to a college far away," Athrun shot back.

He didn't like revealing his personal affairs, even to his friends. But right now, the desire to shut Yzak up was stronger than the desire to keep his love life private.

He probably wouldn't be so annoyed if it was someone else, but he was sure Yzak wasn't the type to easily accept his girlfriend choosing her dream over him any more than Athrun was.

Yzak quirked an eyebrow. "Is that what this is about?"

Thinning his lips, Athrun met the blue eyes with a glare, silently challenging Yzak to counter his words if he could.

Yzak studied him for a moment, then snorted. "I wouldn't be in your position to begin with because I know what I want."

Taken aback, Athrun stared at the silver-head with confusion.

"I wouldn't date Cagalli," Yzak continued bluntly, "because I know she isn't like me. And you knew what kind of girl she was when you started dating her. If you have a problem with it, why did you choose to ask her out in the first place?"

Yzak sounded more accusing than taunting. Athrun was speechless.

"And if you've decided you want a different kind of girlfriend after all, why don't you just break up with Cagalli and date a girl who fits what you want? Just save all of us from your drama."

"Yzak." Nicol's voice was disapproving.

The silver-head shrugged. "What's the point of having a relationship if you can't get what you want from it?

"Besides, it'd be good for not just Athrun, but Cagalli too. Athrun'd get to have a girlfriend that satisfied him. Cagalli'd get to be free to do what she wanted to do, and without listening to her boyfriend complain. I say it'd be much kinder to her."

Silence hung over them for a long moment until Dearka made a whistling sound. "Since when did you become such a relationship expert?"

Yzak sent the blond a dirty look. "I'm just saying what anyone could think of if they got any brains."

The silver-head shot a scornful look at Athrun, now seemingly just trying to provoke him. But Athrun wasn't in the mood to argue anymore and simply looked away.

Everyone turned silent again, then Dearka said, "So, can we get going now?"

"I believe we should. You guys still have to study, after all," Nicol replied.

"Don't remind me that. I'm sick of studying," Dearka lamented as they resumed walking.

"I'm sick of hearing you whine," Yzak said snappishly.

"Hey, don't blame me for being delicate."

The silver-head scoffed, "You may be a little bit more delicate than those slugs under a stone. You're just as lazy anyway."

The blond feigned a pained gasp. "You wound me." Yzak just snorted.

"Well, it's good to see you two are managing the stress of studying well," Nicol said wryly.

"He isn't managing stress at all. He's just taking it out on me," Dearka argued.

"The only stress I'm feeling right now comes from having to talk with you," Yzak returned.

"See? You need a stress reliever. Nicol, maybe you should burn him that CD you said. One with soothing music?"

"I can do that. It makes a good practice for me as well," Nicol said kindly.

"As long as this dickhead quits getting on my nerves, I'm fine," Yzak firmly said.

Athrun silently followed his friends to the subway station. As soon as they passed the ticket gates, Yzak and Dearka went down the stairs to get to their line. He and Nicol walked down a corridor a little more, then reached a fork where he went right and Nicol went left.

"See you then," he quietly said, still distracted by the earlier incident.

"See you, oh, and Athrun?" He diverted a little more attention to his brown-eyed friend. "As you know, I don't have any exams to prepare for and have lots of free time." Nicol had already been accepted by a music college last fall. "So if you're tired of studying and want to do something for a change, or just want to talk, give me a call." Nicol's smile was warm with a hint of concern.

"Yeah...thanks." Athrun put on a small smile. Nicol nodded and they parted ways.

On his way to the subway station nearest his home, Yzak's words were roaring in Athrun's head.

Should he break up with Cagalli and date a girl who put their relationship first? The face of a girl with red pigtails popped into his head. Meyrin seemed like that type and she liked him. She had said she had made her college choice because of him, after all. She also seemed rather meek and girly, like the type of girl he could have an easy relationship—a simple, quiet, and peaceful life—with. And he already got along with her to an extent.

It was only a couple of days since she had accidentally confessed to him and he had rejected her; she must still have feelings for him. Perhaps she was willing to get into a relationship with him. He wouldn't have to look any further then. He could have a girlfriend who would satisfy him right away if he wanted. And things must be less complicated with Meyrin. It would probably be a lot less painful, too, without these distressing feelings and thoughts. He might not have to have ugly, selfish desires, even.

He couldn't forget the disgust he had felt toward himself at the realization that he had considered getting Cagalli pregnant deliberately and without her consent. Granted, it had been only a thought, a fleeting one at that. He had not actually tried to do anything. As Kira had said about a month ago, thinking about it and trying to make it happen were two different things. But still, Athrun couldn't really forgive himself.

He wanted to forget all about it, forget that it had ever happened. But he had not been able to yet. He had not been able to overcome it yet. Even if he and Cagalli made up somehow, could he have sex with her again? He was afraid that he might have to fight the horrible desire every time he tried to sleep with her in the future, that he might have to be forced to face his ugliness every time. He might never be able to be free from it as long as he was with her.

He had never thought of breaking up with Cagalli and dating another girl. Such a possibility had not even crossed his mind while he was suffering because of his relationship with Cagalli. But now that he considered it, being with a girl like Meyrin might actually be better for him.

And it seemed Yzak was right about Cagalli. She would probably be better off without Athrun if he kept complaining about her choice, if he couldn't completely accept her choice, which he had realized he still couldn't do. She deserved better than that, much better. She deserved an understanding, supportive boyfriend, not someone who just pretended to be like that, much less someone who failed at even pretending.

Should he let her go so that she could have such a boyfriend? Should he end their romantic relationship so that she could be free? Was it what he had to do if he truly loved her?

A surge of pain shot through his heart and he tightened his hands into fists, clenching his teeth.

Leaning back against his subway seat, he stared into the darkness outside the windows, which was just befitting to his mood.

Why was this so painful? Shouldn't love feel better, make him happy?

He was hardly an expert on romance and relationships. Although he had received a fair share of love confessions, Cagalli was his first girlfriend and the first girl he had fallen in love with. The struggles concerning romance he had experienced were those to make Cagalli notice his feelings for her. They had been futile and he had decided to spell it out for her, which successfully got them into a relationship. After that, he had not had much trouble, let alone something huge like this.

He couldn't tell whether this pain was normal, what everyone in a romantic relationship experienced. But if so, why did so many people want a romance? What was so great about it? Was it worth all this pain and suffering?

He might have been able to come up with some answer before. But he no longer could. He wasn't sure anymore whether there really was something worth all of it, why he had to keep doing this, why he kept holding onto his relationship with Cagalli when it seemed like the only thing it gave him was anguish.

Even the thought of letting go of it, letting go of her, was painful, yes. But was the agony of doing it really worse than that of staying in the relationship?

Yzak had turned Athrun's eyes to a path he had not seen before, a path that felt like an escape route. And once he noticed it, Athrun couldn't get the idea of taking it out of his mind.

Thank you for reading. See you next week!

···

Below is the reply to review.

To Fuyu Aki:

Thank you for another review!

The thought that the chapter title might mislead readers actually occurred to me a little before uploading the previous chapter. But I couldn't think of a better title, and also thought that if the title reminded readers of the amulet, it might be actually good. So, I decided to stick with the title.

Yeah, my fics tend to heavily lean on characters' thoughts instead of actions. Well, I hope this chapter was a bit exciting, whether in a good way or in a bad way.

As for chocolates, the only chocolate Kira delivered to Athrun was Cagalli's. It was inside a plastic bag full of other snacks, all of which were Cagalli's gifts for Athrun. And the chocolate was not one piece, but a bag that contained a handful of small pieces of chocolate with peach-flavored filling.

And don't worry about being confused. I totally understand the difficulty of reading in a language which isn't your mother tongue, since English isn't my mother tongue, either. Plus, my writing isn't the easiest to understand to begin with.

So, if you have a question, don't hesitate to ask. I appreciate questions for they help me see my fic from a different viewpoint.

*posted 04/21/19*

*edited 04/16/21*