English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.

Season of Farewell

Chapter 16: The Confrontation

For the umpteenth time, Cagalli eyed her phone on her desk. She had made a call an hour and eight minutes ago, and Todaka, his secretary who had been in charge of his phone, had told her he would be available in about an hour. She knew Todaka's words couldn't be completely accurate, but was still getting impatient.

She was dragging her eyes back to the geography study guide when a classical melody began. The music promptly stopped as she tapped the phone and grabbed it.

"Grandpa?"

"Hello, Cagalli." A calm, deep voice so familiar to her ears came.

Her body automatically relaxed. "Hi. How long can we talk?"

"About thirty minutes. Is it enough?"

"I think so." She leaned back into her chair. "Do you remember I had a fight with a friend in November?" She had told Uzumi about it when they had met during New Year holidays. Not much, just that she had had a fight and that that was why she was down.

"I do."

"I want to talk about that fight. We haven't made up yet. Oh, and actually, it's not with a friend, but, well..."

"It was with your boyfriend." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah."

She sighed at her seemingly futile effort to hide her love life from her grandfather. He knew her too well. Or it was probably partly because he was a politician and good at reading people. Or was she too open a book? She wondered a little, but soon dismissed the thought. She had something much more important to think about.

She quickly summarized her situation for Uzumi: her fight with Athrun, his offer to apply to Tassil University along with her, her rejecting it, his displeased reaction, her decision to not give up going to Tassil University.

"...and I haven't seen him since school ended last month. And we haven't really talked since he said he would go to Tassil with me." She let out a sigh. "I know I need to talk to him, but..." She bit her lower lip.

"You know what you want." Again, it wasn't a question.

"I do."

"Don't hesitate to go for it then. You don't have to be sorry for being happy or wanting to be."

"I want to...but I'm scared," she said in a small voice, feeling somewhat embarrassed.

"It's all right to be scared," Uzumi said gently. "Everyone gets scared when facing an important decision. Being brave doesn't mean you never get scared."

"You get scared, too?" She couldn't believe it. Her grandfather was always composed, confident, and strong.

"Of course. I'm scared right now that I may give my granddaughter a wrong advice which results in her broken heart."

"But you don't sound scared," she said with a small pout.

He chuckled. "I have much more life experience than you and am better at masking my feelings."

"Does that mean I get to be as good as you someday?"

"If you try to."

"Hmmm." It was an interesting prospect.

"Can we return to the subject?"

"Huh?" She blinked a couple times.

"We were talking about fear and bravery," he reminded her.

"Oh, right."

"Fear isn't necessarily a bad thing, nor is it anything you should be ashamed of feeling. You are scared because you care. About yourself or other people. Your dream or other things. It's better than caring about nothing."

She thought for a while before asking, "Then how do you act bravely?"

She had never really thought about being brave, much less how to be brave. For her entire life, she had been told that she might be a little too brave and should be more cautious. She wasn't used to feeling as uncertain, as scared as she was now, as she had been during this conflict with Athrun.

"I believe one of the keys is love," Uzumi replied. "Do love, and know you are loved. It gives you the courage to fight not to let fear control you. You are a brave girl, my dear. Just remember to be yourself."

As she listened, she felt like everything was going to be all right, and exhaled a long breath. "Thank you, Grandpa," she said with sincerity.

"I'm glad I was able to help," he said softly.

She thought he was going to say goodbye and hang up. He was a busy man after all. Although it was already past ten at night, he probably needed to research for tomorrow's debate in the Diet or meet someone to discuss legislations or that sort of thing.

But he continued, "And if you like to get away for a while, you can go to my estate. I can't be there, but Myrna will be excited to have you."

Warmth spread in her chest. "Yeah, I may need it," she said, a smile on her lips. "Thanks. I love you, Grandpa."

"You too, Cagalli. Well, I should go now. Say hello to Kira and your parents. Ah, tell Kira also that thanks to Amagi, I've already had the reservation made for the new laptop he wanted for the gift for entering college. So he'd better pass the entrance exam for his first choice."

She giggled. "Yeah, I bet hearing that will make his motivation skyrocket." Then she asked, "My DVDs are being fine, right?"

There was this DVD box set, a collection of DVDs recording the best games of the White Lions, her favorite baseball team, and DVDs featuring the best players in the team's history. The collection had come out three years ago, in fact. She had not known its existence until some time later and they had been too expensive for her to buy anyway.

But several months ago, a little after the summer break, she had found a used box set on an Internet auction website, labeled as "mint condition." The only problem had been that the bid price was already high and getting even higher, more than she could afford.

She had hurriedly called her grandfather and asked him to buy it for her as his gift to her for graduating high school and entering college, which she had not decided what would be yet. He had agreed and successfully acquired it, and assured her that the DVDs were indeed in good condition. However, he had also told her that she couldn't have it until she passed the entrance exams; she had begrudgingly accepted the condition.

"They certainly are. They've been kept safe and sound as I promised," he assured her.

She had known he wouldn't break his promise to her; she had just wanted to make sure. "That's good. I can't wait to watch them."

"Then, don't get distracted from studying too much," he warned in a gentle but firm voice. "I understand you are having a hard time due to that fight with your boyfriend. But still, you shouldn't forget about other parts of your life. After all, you tend to focus too much on one thing and overlook other things."

"I know. I promise I'll do my best to pass the exam for Tassil Uni. I'm studying hard."

"I know you are," he tenderly said, and she smiled a satisfied smile.

They exchanged "Good evening" and hung up.

She pressed her phone against her chest and closed her eyes, relishing the feelings filling and surrounding her. She felt protected and loved, the way her grandfather always made her feel. She felt strong.

There was nothing she could do if Athrun wanted a girlfriend who put him before everything else, who gave up her dream to stay around him. She wouldn't try to change him if that was the case, which she knew would just make both of them unhappy. She wanted to be happy, and needed him to be happy because his happiness was a part of hers. She would do anything to protect it, both of their happiness, even if it meant she had to part ways with him.

However, she didn't know whether she had to do it yet. She didn't know for sure whether she really couldn't have what she wanted more than anything. In order to know the answer, she had to confront Athrun. She couldn't just keep avoiding talking to him. She needed to know what he wanted, whether he was willing to work for the same future as she wanted.

She was scared even now. The chance that she—they—could have it seemed quite slim. At the same time, there was still a hope inside her. She didn't think everything she and Athrun had shared, everything Athrun had given her, had been false. There must have been some amount of truth in it even if it wasn't as much as she would like, even if it wasn't enough for them to have the kind of relationship she wanted.

In a way, however, the hope was one of the factors that caused her this much of fear. She was afraid of having the hope dashed, of being made to realize that there was no hope for her and Athrun to have a happy future together. Although the uncertainty, not knowing whether her hope was real or not, was frustrating and agonizing, the pain the truth would bring her might be even greater. The possibility had been preventing her from taking an action.

Nevertheless, she had to be brave, fight for herself, for what she wanted, for her happiness. She wanted to, and the desire had been growing and growing. That was why she had called her grandfather, and he had given her exactly what she had hoped for, and more.

Opening her eyes, she went to sit on her bed next to her laptop. Her finger pushed the power button and the computer came to life. She double-clicked on an icon on the desktop and a video started playing.

It was a slide show of scenes from volleyball matches, sport festivals, and games she had played with her friends, set to Yuu-Nan's "Gate of Flames," one of her favorite songs. Miriallia had sent it to her several days ago.

The final image was from the last volleyball match before Cagalli had retired from club activities last summer: one of her cheering her teammates on. Then, words appeared on the screen, referring to the match: Don't give up. You are our captain who wouldn't lose her fighting spirit even when it's 6-24 with a set already lost.

In that last match of Cagalli's high school volleyball life, their second match in the regional championship, the opponent had been a powerful team which had won the championship many times, and won it the last summer's after defeating her team. The SEED High team had lost big, which destroyed their dream to go to the national championship. To tell the truth, the chance they would make it had been slim to begin with; after their seniors had retired the previous summer, the team had not been quite strong.

It had still been hard for Cagalli when they had lost. She had really wanted to fulfill their dream and cried a lot at the loss. Nevertheless, it had not taken her long to accept the result. She had known she had done everything she could do; she had practiced as hard as she could, trying to overcome both her weaknesses and the team's and develop the merits, and played tenaciously in the matches, not giving up until the last second. Although she had failed to achieve her goal, she had no regrets.

Well, not exactly. She had some things she wished she had done better or differently. But she wasn't bitter about them. Even if they had been mistakes, wrong decisions in retrospect, they were a part of who she had been then. She had faced her situation with everything she had, everything she was, without holding back anything. So she could accept even her regrets and move forward to the future.

And that was how she should fight in her relationship with Athrun as well. She should go for what she wanted instead of waiting for it to come her way. She couldn't expect him to understand her sentiments without an explanation.

The last time they had had a big fight—though it had lasted only for five days, much, much shorter than this time—he had come to see some of her points during the time they had not really talked to each other, then approached her to reconcile. Likewise, he had changed his attitude about her college choice while they weren't talking to each other, and apologized to her about trying to make her give up going to Tassil one and a half months ago. Well, he might have done so just because he felt he had to, but he had still done it. It was possible that he would come around once more if she just waited patiently. And he might truly understand her this time.

Even if it was actually happening, however, she shouldn't choose the path. She shouldn't always let him take the initiative, always let him be the one to approach her. It wasn't how she wanted their relationship to be, how she wanted to be. This was about her life, so it was her job to take charge of it. This was about her wish, so it was her job to make the effort to fulfill it. Plus, it had been her original mistake to begin with: relying too much on his understanding.

Therefore, she was going to him.

And she had Miriallia to thank for that decision. With the video and the message, the brunette had made Cagalli realize that she had been feeling half-defeated about her future with Athrun without trying to acquire it with utmost effort; she had reminded Cagalli to fight for what she wanted with all her might. Without the video, Cagalli might not have called her grandfather and told him about her situation. Then, she couldn't have gotten his encouraging words which finally gave her the courage to talk with Athrun.

Her eyes still on the computer screen, on the video which was playing again, she squeezed her phone. Even if her heart got broken, even if she couldn't have what she wanted, she knew how to stand up, then jump again after being crushed to the ground. It would be tougher than in the volleyball court, but she believed she was capable nonetheless. She had a place she could go to to heal, where her grandfather's housekeeper would undoubtedly pamper her. She had her family and friends who would help her pick up the pieces. She wasn't alone, surrounded by so much love.

So she could do this.

Athrun sent another glance at the text on his phone screen, which Cagalli had sent three days ago.

Can you spare me a few minutes? I'll come to your house. But if you are too busy, I can wait.

From the simple sentences, he couldn't tell what she wanted, what he should feel about her request. Had she changed her mind about his going to Tassil? Or had she decided to break it off with him? Her seeming lack of urgency seemed to indicate the latter.

He wasn't sure whether accepting it had been a wise decision. But he couldn't keep avoiding her. Unless he was willing to cut her off his life—which he fervently hoped he wouldn't have to, no matter how their relationship would turn out—he had to face her at some point.

And their situation couldn't get any worse, could it? Even if she was coming to officially break up with him—his heart twisted at the thought—it wasn't like it would largely change anything. They had been acting like they had already broken up, barely talking for months. Making things official might actually make him feel better, put an end to his misery to some extent. At least, then he wouldn't have to be distressed over what he should do anymore.

Thus, after two days of agonizing, he had decided that meeting her now instead of after he was done with the last remaining exam and had more free time was probably better than being kept in suspense, which might interfere with his exam. Yesterday evening, he had sent her a text and she had agreed to meet this afternoon.

Although he was having second thoughts, it was too late to cancel their meeting. Cagalli should be in a bus on her way. In fact, she might have already gotten off the bus and be walking to his house.

Gripping his phone, he slowly climbed down the stairs. He had told his grandmother his friend was coming and so he was going to answer the doorbell, but he wanted to wait at the entrance to make sure he would be the one to welcome Cagalli.

He didn't have to wait long before the doorbell rang. He opened the door, and came face-to-face with Cagalli for the first time in months.

His eyes drank in every detail of her: her golden hair a little disheveled probably because of the wind, her cheeks and ears red from cold, her green scarf with a hibiscus picture around her neck, her white coat with gray lines at sides, the belt of her khaki bag diagonally crossing her body, her bare hands which were half hidden by the stretched sleeves of her sweater and rubbing each other before her stomach, her jeans tucked in rather worn-out dark green boots.

And more than anything, her amber eyes staring at him as if she had been craving for the sight of him, which he didn't know how to interpret. He wasn't even sure whether he wanted to try. He didn't want false hope.

"Is that your friend you said was coming, Athrun?"

He blinked at his grandmother's voice, and looked back over his shoulder. "Ah, yes. It is."

Standing in front of the door to the living room, she quirked an eyebrow at him. "Aren't you inviting them in, then? It must be freezing outside."

"Right. Come in." He directed the latter part at Cagalli who looked surprised for some reason.

She stepped into the house, letting the door shut behind her, and lightly bowed to his grandmother. "Ah, hello." The surprise was still lingering on her face as she lifted her face.

Belatedly, he realized she probably had not known about his grandmother's stay. He didn't remember telling Kira about it. He and Kira didn't talk as often now that they were even busier studying and actually taking entrance exams, and when they did, they mostly talked about their exams or some fun stuff that took their minds off studying for a little while.

Plus, his grandmother's stay had not been planned—as far as he was concerned anyway, though he had a suspicion that she had planned it all along and pretended she had just come up with the idea right before proposing it to him during their visit to his mother's grave on Valentine's Day—and she had been staying for only a little more than a week.

"Grandma is staying until my exams are over," he hurriedly explained.

Cagalli glanced at him, then looked back at his grandmother, and a soft, somewhat relieved smile lifted her lips.

"I see. It's nice to see you again, ma'am. I'm Cagalli Hibiki. We met before."

She, Kira, and their mother had come to his house and met his grandmother when he had gotten injured two years ago, though Cagalli and he weren't dating then.

"Yes, yes, I remember." His grandmother nodded, having brightened up at hearing the blonde's name. "You are Athrun's girlfriend, aren't you?"

"Um...yeah..." Cagalli sent him an unsure look.

He nodded, both at Cagalli and at his grandmother, though it was also uncertain. He wasn't sure he could still call Cagalli that, considering the coming talk where she might break up with him, but he wasn't willing to tell his grandmother about his and Cagalli's situation. Cagalli seemed to be feeling the same.

So, they put on evasive smiles and hurried toward his room.

Entering the room, he walked toward his desk to pick up a bottle he had prepared, exchanging it with his phone. "Here. If you are thirsty," he added a little hurriedly, handing the bottle to Cagalli.

His sharp eyes didn't miss that her face softened at seeing the bottle of lemon-flavored sparkling water.

She gave him a small smile. "Thanks."

As she loosened her scarf and opened the bottle to take a sip, his eyes almost automatically shifted toward her left hand, which was now completely out of her sleeve.

He nearly started in shock, his eyes widened.

There was no ring on her finger.

His heart, which had stopped for a moment, started thudding, his dismay increasing with each beat.

He told himself it didn't have to mean anything. She might have just forgotten to put on the ring when she woke up. Or maybe she had taken it off when washing hands and left it somewhere. It seemed exactly like something she would do.

Given their current situation, however, his mind couldn't help but come up with the worst-case scenario: she had stopped wearing his ring because she didn't want to be tied to him anymore, because she wanted to be free from him.

How long had she been without the ring? He couldn't tell. He had not been able to see her finger at Lacus's concert and aside from the concert, today was the first time he had met her outside school, where she couldn't wear rings even if she wanted to, after the fight.

He had thought he was prepared enough to hear her goodbye, but maybe he wasn't. Maybe seeing her today had been a bad idea after all.

"Athrun."

At her voice, he dragged his eyes away from her left hand to her face. She was looking at him with a serious, determined expression. His hands began feeling clammy and he half-heartedly wiped them with his pants.

"I'm going to Tassil tomorrow." Then she added, "To take the entrance exam," as if it wasn't obvious. He was all too aware that the entrance exam was held two days later. She must be going there one day early because she couldn't get to the exam room in time otherwise. "I wanted to talk to you before I go."

Not trusting his voice, he gave a nod. The movement had probably been awkward, but she didn't seem to mind.

"When I said we'd better break up, I didn't mean I'm happy with it," she continued. "I think I said it rather carelessly...and I'm sorry I hurt you. But that's not what I want, you coming to Tassil for me."

She took a long breath. "I don't want us to stop being ourselves to be together. I want us to be ourselves, following our own dreams, and still be together. I know it will be hard. Long distance and all," she hurriedly added. "But I want to try. I want to fight for us. I don't want to give up on us as much as I don't want to give up my dream."

Her eyes were intent, gripping him. "I believe in us, Athrun. That we can get through this. That we can be both ourselves and happy together. We are strong enough. We can be"—she swallowed—"if...we both want it, that is."

She took a step toward him, her eyes brimming with tears. "I...I want to believe. And I want you to believe too."

She closed her mouth and stared at him with wide eyes. She wasn't desperate. She wasn't pleading. She was asking, and hoping.

He tried to gather his thoughts, figure out what to say, but her empty finger kept ruining his focus, messing up his head. He seemed unable to form a response. All words and thoughts were stuck, refusing to come out.

She stood still, waiting. A minute passed. Then another. And another. Her gaze faltered, and then, dropped to the floor.

After another moment, she quietly resumed, "Well, that's what I wanted to tell you. So...I guess I'll see you later, after our exams are over. And...we can talk again." She looked up at him with a forced smile. "Sorry for taking your time. And good luck with your exam." Februarius Medical University had the entrance exams three days later, the day after Tassil University's.

He gave a stiff nod. "Thank you," he managed, his voice tight and low.

As they silently left his room and went downstairs, she didn't look disappointed, just sad. He didn't know whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. It felt like his brains were refusing to understand anything anymore, when it came to her anyway.

Cagalli was putting her boots back on when his grandmother poked her head out of the kitchen. "Are you already leaving? I thought I'd get you snacks and something to drink."

Cagalli turned to the older woman. "Thank you, but I better go. I just came to...talk to Athrun. Um, and to wish him good luck. I'm flying somewhere for my exam tomorrow. And I still have to pack my bags."

"I see..." his grandmother said with much disappointment. "Well, good luck with your exam, and your trip then. I hope we will meet again soon and have some chat. I'd really like to get to know my grandson's girlfriend." She threw a teasing look at Cagalli and him.

He felt his face stiffen though he tried not to show it. A pained look crossed Cagalli's face as well, but she quickly put on a polite smile.

"Thank you. I'd be happy to have a chat if...well, if I had a chance."

Her smile and voice were hardly perfectly composed despite her clear effort, but his grandmother didn't seem to find the blonde's attitude odd. She didn't know Cagalli after all.

"Then I'll leave you two alone. You'd probably like a proper goodbye," his grandmother said with too much understanding before disappearing into the kitchen.

Her behavior might have embarrassed or flustered him in a different situation. But now, it was just painful. It must be the same for Cagalli. They stood in a heavy silence for a little while until she spoke.

"Well...I'm going then."

"Yeah..."

He didn't offer to walk her to the bus stop, which he had always done before even if it wasn't dark outside. She didn't look surprised or disappointed at the lack of offer.

She started to turn around, but then, stopped. Her body faced toward him again and their eyes met. The two ambers gazed at him intensely, as if she was trying to memorize every detail of him—as if this was the last time she saw him. His heart fluttered. He felt he had to say something. He wanted to say something. He needed to say something. Yet, he still couldn't find the words.

A moment passed, which felt to him like hours, even days, and yet still too short. And she put on a somewhat forlorn smile.

"Bye, Athrun."

Then she left.

"Would you like some snacks, Athrun?"

It took him a minute to tear his eyes off the closed door where his gaze had been staying after it had hidden Cagalli from him. His grandmother was curiously studying him from the door to the kitchen.

"Or do you want to continue missing your girlfriend a little more?" she teasingly added.

He barely caught himself from grimacing. "I'm not...no, I don't feel like eating. I just...go back to my room."

He half-heartedly motioned toward upstairs, and was glad she just let him scurry up the stairs.

As he closed the door to his room, the farewell a few minutes ago returned to his mind, and he began feeling restless. He felt he had to do something before it was too late even though he wasn't sure when the deadline would be. He wasn't sure exactly what to do, either. Maybe figuring out what to tell Cagalli.

He had to give her some kind of answer before she moved away to Tassil at the latest...or maybe he could just let their relationship—their romantic relationship—fade away. It was probably the easiest path.

Not that he wanted to choose that path. He didn't. It would be unfair to Cagalli who had come to tell him about her feelings face-to-face. He wanted to at least do the same thing for her, even if his answer was breaking up with her. Except he couldn't see what his answer would be.

And he had no idea how to figure it out. He had been trying to sort out his situation for months, and not yet found the answer to what he should do, not other than going to Tassil with her anyway. Then, would another month of agonizing really make a difference?

He tousled his hair in frustration. He didn't even feel relieved that she had said she still wanted to be with him. A part of him even wished that it had been the opposite, that she had just ended their romantic relationship. It would've caused him pain, but it would've been a cleanly cut wound, something easy to understand, something easier to deal with. Instead, she had just let him remain a mess, if not made him a bigger mess.

It wasn't just that he didn't know how to answer her. Although she had told him what she wanted, he wasn't sure he had really grasped the meaning of it, either. His thoughts were cluttered, the sight of her empty finger still repeatedly coming back to muddle his head, and he couldn't even begin to organize them. He didn't even know where to start, how to sort out this mess. He felt so lost and stupid, and almost resented her for putting him into this position.

Instead of sparing him from answering this extraordinarily tough question, she had given him the right to make—or the burden of making—the final decision. Normally, he would prefer to be in charge, but not now, not about this.

His disconcerted eyes were drawn to his phone on his desk. Then, the concerned face of his green-haired friend crossed his mind. Nicol had seemed willing to listen to him, and already somewhat knew about the problem Athrun was struggling with anyway because of Yzak. Maybe Athrun should give Nicol a call and ask for his opinion? He was actually desperate for someone, anyone, who could help him solve his problem, or better yet, who could tell him the answer, though he wasn't sure Nicol could be that someone.

Furthermore, talking to someone was what Cagalli always advised him to do when he was agonizing over something with his thoughts not going anywhere, when he was "being like a hamster on a wheel" as she put it. And it was true that talking with Kira and Lacus, then with Yzak about this problem had made him realize some points he had not seen before. Then again, they had not exactly led him to the answer, had they? If anything, it felt like they had just complicated the matter, adding to his distress.

Still wavering, he walked to the desk to tentatively pick up the phone. There was a new text, and he automatically tapped to open it, somewhat relieved for a distraction. But then, noticing the sender's name, he quickly closed the window without actually reading the text. In a way, it was the last person he wanted to think about: Meyrin Hawke.

Seeing her name had reminded him of the question Yzak had put in his head several days ago: Was it best for everyone if he broke up with Cagalli and dated Meyrin?

Staring at the phone screen, he felt cornered. It was as if everything in the universe was pushing him to face the question, to make the choice, which he had been avoiding.

Or...could this be the help he had wanted? Maybe this was the universe's way to tell him the answer. He had never believed in something like fate, but maybe, just maybe, such a thing actually existed and it was showing him Meyrin was the girl he should choose, the girl he was meant to be with.

It actually felt like an appealing idea that everything was determined by fate. Maybe it wasn't his fault that his and Cagalli's relationship had been falling apart. Maybe the relationship was simply destined to fail no matter what he did or didn't. Maybe he had been this distressed because he was fighting against fate, against the undefeatable. Maybe he should just give up, accept the reality and stop the meaningless fight. Maybe it was the wise decision, the right way.

Maybe that was why romance, the thing many people praised and seemed to crave for a lot, had been causing him so much anguish. The relationship people had in mind when they talked about romance was probably the kind he could have with Meyrin: easy, simple, and peaceful. It was the ideal, wasn't it? What everyone wanted—was supposed to want.

But he had not been looking for one. He had not thought about whether he could have that kind of relationship with Cagalli before asking her out. He had just gone for her carelessly and thoughtlessly. That might be how he had strayed into a wrong path. Maybe that was why he had been suffering like this due to the relationship. Because he had been wanting a wrong thing.

And this, Meyrin's confession, might be his chance to go back to the right path, chance to right the wrong.

Moreover, if he wanted someone to tell him what to do, shouldn't he follow Yzak's words? The silver-head had told him to break up with Cagalli. Shouldn't Athrun listen to the only person who had shown him a path he should choose?

The path Yzak, or fate or the universe or whatever, had shown him seemed reasonable: let go of someone leaving his side and be with someone willing to stay, someone who was probably willing to follow him anywhere, someone who probably would never abandon him. Someone who would never cause him such distress.

It wasn't just an easy way out of this agonizing situation. He probably could find comfort down the path. Meyrin, or a girl like her, seemed like a safe choice. She probably wouldn't shake him like Cagalli had been doing. She probably wouldn't defy his expectations and would stay where he wanted her to be. The calmness and ease the prospect offered was overwhelmingly tempting in the midst of this emotional storm.

...And yet, there was a part of him that was clamoring "No!" with all its might, fighting tooth and nail against the part that wanted to just go for the easy path. Only that part didn't show him an alternative.

No, it was more like although he could see another path, he couldn't see why he had to choose that path, turning his back to the quiet and peace awaiting him down the other path. There were many reasons why he should choose Meyrin, but there was only one reason why he shouldn't.

And the only reason, the part of him strongly against the idea of letting Cagalli go, was completely unreasonable. It just didn't want to do it, having nothing more—no reasonable argument—to offer. Such an irrational objection wasn't enough to convince him, and yet, it was somehow enough to make him hesitant, make him keep wavering between the two paths, between the two girls.

After some more agonizing, he slowly sat at his desk, put his phone on the part of the desk farthest from him, and took out a workbook with the toughest math problems that had ever been in college entrance exams. Opening the book randomly, he moved his eyes over the numbers and symbols, finding comfort in them. Math problems were much easier to deal with. No matter how complicated they were, there was always a clear logic behind them instead of confusing emotions seemingly impossible to sort out.

If there was anything he could be sure about, it was that regardless of the state of his love life, he had to study for the coming exam. In addition to it, he probably needed to put some space between himself and the problem he was having a hard time solving. It would help him look at the problem with fresh eyes, which hopefully would lead him to the right answer. Therefore, what he was doing, putting aside the problem concerning his romantic relationship in favor of studying, wasn't wrong in any way.

Telling himself so—though it sounded like a pathetic excuse even to his own ears—he picked up a mechanical pencil, then threw himself into solving the math problems in the book.

A/N: Cagalli meeting Athrun's grandmother was briefly mentioned in Chapter 3 of "Boy of Winter" in which Cagalli recalled her memories with Athrun.

Thank you for reading. See you next week!

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To Fuyu Aki:

Hello, thank you for another review!

I'm glad you liked Athrun and Yzak's exchange. I was a little worried about readers' reaction toward the scene since Yzak's words are swaying Athrun toward breaking up with Cagalli. I suppose there are readers who dislike Yzak for it. But now I know some people actually like that scene, which is a relief.

I don't like Meyrin's behavior in GSD episode 41, either. Well, I think I can at least understand why the creators made her act like that, though.

It seems to me that Meyrin was depicted as a girl who is opposite of Cagalli, at least regarding to their relationships with Athrun. In fact, the scriptwriter said in an interview that Meyrin was an "another possibility. Mostly for Athrun." (I took the title of the previous chapter from those words of hers.)

While Cagalli chose her country and job over Athrun by deciding to marry Jona, Meyrin abandoned her job to help him, and decided to fight together with him against her country.

And in GSD episode 41, while Cagalli was being strong and independent, leading an army and a country even without Athrun (she didn't know Athrun was joining the Archangel crew to fight for Orb when she decided to pilot the Akatsuki or she took back authority from Jona), Meyrin was being weak and dependent, begging Athrun not to leave her behind while crying and clinging to him.

I think Athrun kind of liked Meyrin's attitude, or at least didn't dislike it. I see him as the type who depends on being depended on, the type who needs someone to need and depend on them. That's one of his flaws, or at least weaknesses.

And he tends to be controlling. Someone who is weak and dependent is someone easy to control. Meyrin's attitude in GSD episode 41 must've been appealing to him in that sense as well.

You read my blog, right? In the analysis of Athrun's love life, I wrote that while Cagalli is the kind of girl he falls in love with, Meyrin is the kind of girl who he thinks is good for him. In other words, Meyrin is the type who has characteristics he wants in his girlfriend, the type who meets his criteria.

It seems like one of the questions Athrun had to answer in GSD was "Which will you choose, a girl you love or a girl who meets your criteria for girlfriend?" That's why the scriptwriter called Meyrin another possibility for Athrun, I suppose. Except the creators didn't clearly show this question, and made Athrun's answer, which girl he chose, look confusing.

Anyway, that's how I tried to depict Meyrin in the previous chapter, in Athrun's eyes: a girl who seems to meet his criteria for girlfriend.

As for Yzak's love life, it won't be mentioned in the fic and I don't think it makes much difference whether he is dating a girl or not. So, feel free to fill in the blanks with whatever you like :)

To BlueberriesGoneBad:

Thank you for another review!

And sorry this was another angsty chapter where Athrun is just moping :P

But that's how I see him. He seems to often put off taking an action, or making a decision, until he is pushed to. It's probably partly because he is used to following someone else's directions and partly because he is the cautious type. Cautiousness and indecisiveness are two sides of the same coin.

So I'm pushing him, or rather, making other characters push him. And he has to make a decision soon.

As for love rivals, Meyrin kind of made another appearance without actually showing up in this chapter as you see, and Ahmed will have another appearance in a later chapter. But there won't be someone else.

*posted 04/28/19*

*edited 04/25/21*