Lachlan

I found myself in a strange darkness, the sound of soft Spanish music slowly getting louder and louder as I wander around the area. I emerge from the darkness, now being drowned in a sea of people. I see a tall, muscular, darker skinned man walking towards me. His hair was pulled back into tight braids and he looked familiar, though I couldn't come up with his name until he was closer. He smiled at me, extending his hands out for a manly hug. "Glad you could make it out, Lachlan," he said.

Brandon. This was Brandon's face. I knew this guy.

"Hey B, thanks for the invite!" I followed him over to a table where his girlfriend, Veronica sat with a brunette that seemed familiar.

"Of course! Is KD with you?" I shook my head, trying to maintain a natural smile. "Ahh, maybe next time. She doesn't go out much anymore but I thought maybe with you she'd change her mind." I felt an uncomfortable feeling sink in my stomach as he slid in next to his girlfriend, motioning for me to sit across from him. "Oh well, you remember Zee, right?"

Zee. Her name was Zee. I wouldn't describe her as beautiful, but she was definitely sexy. Her hair was a soft brown and laid pin straight down her back. She was tall, only a few inches shorter than me with her heels on. She wore a long, leather fitted skirt and a nude, skin tight halter top, exposing her cleavage and making it extremely difficult for me to look away. She knew she looked good and she wasn't afraid to show it.

I blinked and it seemed like time had jumped forward. I was in a little box of a room. I was incredibly drunk and my vision was blurring. There was a toilet behind me and it hit me that I was in the bathroom. I went to open the door but instead, it swung open and Zee entered the box with me, locking the door behind her. I felt her wrap her arms around me and seductively kiss on my neck. It felt nice, but it didn't feel right. Despite the ill feeling, I wrapped my arms around her waist and pressed her against me. She looked into my eyes and gave me a smirk. She reached up and bit my lip, slowly sucking on it until I leaned forward and kissed her deeply. The kiss was nice. It made me feel needed and important, but it still didn't feel right. Why did this all feel so wrong?

I woke up from the strange dream, finding it weird that I was dreaming of Kali's friends. I began to stretch and was immediately met with an uneasy feeling. I looked around and saw a lilac painted wall with a mounted television and a white dresser placed against it.

Where the fuck was I? I looked around, trying to find a picture or something to give me a hint as to where I was. I lifted the comforter from my torso and looked down, realizing I was in nothing but a pair of boxers. What had I done last night?

Just as I began to get frantic, the door opened, exposing Zee walking inside the room with my white undershirt and a glass of water and a bowl of cereal. "Looks like you finally woke up," she said with a sultry smile, handing the bowl to me. "It's Fruit Loops. You mentioned last night that you liked them so I figured it'd make a decent breakfast." She placed a kiss on my lips before sliding into the bed beside me.

I stared at the bowl in my hands as the imprint of her lips burned against my cheek. It wasn't a dream that I had, it was my memories replaying back. "Zee," I said, my voice coming out hoarse and strained. She looked at me, her hazel eyes shining and her full, red lips curled into a seductive smile. "I don't mean to come off as a dick, but what exactly happened last night? The last thing I remember is, um, the bathroom at the bar." I could feel my face begin to turn red.

Her smile remained on her face as she began to laugh. "I'm glad I left an impression," she said with a playful pout. "Well, we had a pretty good time in the bathroom, but you asked if we could come back to mine." I felt her hand touch my leg as she began to creep a little closer. "We didn't sleep together last night because we were both pretty hammered, but there's always morning fun." She cocked her eyebrow at me, grabbing the bowl from my hand and placing it on her nightstand. She started moving her hand up my thigh and kissed on my neck.

I immediately tensed up and moved away. She looked at me with confusion in her eyes. "I don't think this is a good idea."

"You thought it was last night."

"I'm sorry but I wasn't thinking last night. This isn't right. I have to go."

She stormed out of the bed and blocked the door as I began to get dressed. "What? Are you gonna go and run back to fuckin Kali? Did you already forget she was supposed to meet with Reese?"

I froze and looked at her, my anger rising again. "What the hell did you just say?"

"You heard me. You wouldn't shut up about about her last night. Kind of a mood killer, by the way," she said, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms across her chest.

I felt my chest tightened as I tried to calm down. The last thing I wanted to do is to snap again. "I really need to leave." I zipped up my pants and slid on my shoes. I grabbed my button up shirt and felt for my phone, keys, and wallet in pockets, making sure they were still there. "Can I have my shirt back please?"

"Oh this?" she asked playing with the hem of my shirt. She lifted it over her head and exposed her bare chest and lace boyshorts. I looked away and extended my hand. "We could still have some fun, Lachy?"

I cringed at the uncomfortable nickname and took the shirt from her hand. "I don't think that's the best idea. Last night was a mistake and we both know that."

She grimaced as I pulled the shirt on over my head. "What do you mean a mistake?"

"Like you said, I wouldn't stop talking about Kali. I should go. I really am sorry," I said with a weak smile as I slid behind her and left the apartment. I walked outside, completely confused as to where I was. I ordered an Uber and wandered towards the direction of the main office. I checked my phone, seeing I had a text from Kali. The time stamp indicated it was sent about an hour ago and that there was an attachment. My finger danced above the open button before I finally gained enough courage to see what she had said.

KALI: She figured out who you were. I convinced her not to post the picture anywhere and asked her to delete it, but I don't know if she will. I'm glad you enjoyed your evening so much. Goodbye, Lachlan.

My heart dropped as I looked at the picture attached. It was a picture of me sleeping and Zee laying in front of me. We were both under the covers and it appeared we were both naked, though I know I at least had underwear on. Despite the fact that Zee told me we hadn't had sex, I honestly wasn't sure and considering the fact she was planning to expose me to the internet, she could easily be lying.

I sighed, trying to recollect everything that had occurred yesterday. I had let my past issues get the best of me and I chased Kali away, yet she was still looking out for me. Why did I react the way I did? Why didn't I let her explain her side civilly and actually listen? Why do I always let my insecurities get in the way of my happiness? I mentally cursed myself as I looked at my phone, wanting to talk to Kali and apologize for everything, but I didn't want to do it through the phone.

LACHLAN: Thank you for letting me know Kali. You didn't need to protect me but you did and I really appreciate it. Do you think we could meet up soon? I'd really like to talk to you. I really want to talk about yesterday.

I looked at my phone and questioned whether or not to hit send before reluctantly pressing the button as my Uber arrived. I sat in the backseat in silence, wondering if I had made the right decision.

It had been a few hours since I texted Kali, and I still haven't heard anything back. It was making me nervous, fully aware that I didn't know how she reacted in situations like this. The one time we did fight was after our first date at Downtown Disney when she confessed she knew who I was and hadn't told me. She was responsive when I reached out to her, but the circumstances were also completely different, though it amazed me that every time I snapped she was there to look out for me, even when I didn't know I needed it.

"So how have the meetings been going?" Vikk asked in the discord chat, snapping me out of my daze. We had just finished recording a New Year's special of some Minecraft minigames with the rest of the Pack.

"They've been really good. My individual meeting got pushed to tomorrow because of the holiday but I'm kind of excited. I wanted to open up about my anger and jealousy issues since I feel like they've been resurfacing a little," I said, scanning Mitch and Jerome's faces for reactions. Mitch had sympathetic eyes as I knew he felt guilty for mentioning it to Kali. Jerome's expression, however, showed a bit of relief, almost like he was glad that I was coming to terms with my issues, or something like satisfaction, showing that he knew Kali was fucking me up. Either way, I hated him looking so smug.

"Well that's awesome, dude!" Rob exclaimed, throwing his hands up enthusiastically. "Definitely let us know how it goes. I like seeing you progress."

"Same here. And if you ever need a holiday or anything to get away from the nonsense, you can always fly out here. You said you can Skype your one on ones, right?" Vikk asked through the screen with hopeful eyes. I smiled at his offer, knowing he'd wanted me to visit again since I couldn't stay too long when I went for Upload.

"I'll definitely see what I can do, man. That is of course if the guys don't mind me crashing over there again."

He rolled his eyes. "They'll be fine. They love having you around even if they act like ass holes around you. You can even bring Kali if you want! I'd love to meet her."

I winced at the mention of her, hoping it wasn't obvious to the guys. I wanted to talk to them about what had happened, but I didn't want to do it in front of Jerome. Luckily, as if like clockwork, Jerome had said he had to leave the discord to record a solo episode for his second channel, so we all said bye as he disconnected from the call.

"Um, so I actually wanted to talk to you guys about something, but please don't mention it around Jerome. I know he doesn't like Kali and I don't want him having any other reasons to, ok?" I watched as my friends nodded, my eyes lingering on Mitch as I knew he had the most interaction with him.

"Of course, dude. Our lips are sealed. Is everything ok?" Preston asked, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"Not really. I think I may have overreacted a bit about something, but I also think I kind of deserve to be angry."

They all gave me confused but understanding looks, urging me to go on.

"Ok so Kali found out about my past, like the anger issues, bulimia, and all of that shit and she was completely understanding which was great. At midnight, I basically professed my feelings for her and told her I'd like to be her boyfriend but I knew she wasn't ready so I just asked her to go on a proper date with me which she agreed to. So everything was going great after that. We went back to my apartment and just hung out and we um," I paused, wondering if I should tell them that we had been intimate. I felt my face going red at the thought as I tried to analyze why I was so embarrassed to tell them I had slept with her even though I had never minded telling them before.

"Oh my god you guys had sex, didn't you?" Rob exclaimed excitedly while the other boys just cheered in approval. "Props to you for finally laying it down."

"Finally! I've been waiting for this to happen. I'm surprised it took you so long." Vikk said laughing "It's so unlike you."

"It's because he's falling in love," Preston sang gleefully.

"Shut the fuck up guys. Yea we had sex, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about." Their faces fell as they watched my anger rise. I tried to calm down before I continued, wanting to have a level headed conversation about the events of last night and this morning. "Sorry about that."

They all looked at me and nodded, accepting my minor blow up, something I feel they've unfortunately had to grow accustomed to.

I sighed, regretting how I must have treated them in the past and wondered if I had been like this recently as well without noticing. I pushed the thought to the side, proceeding with my recollection of the night before.

"So when she went to shower, she got some texts from her ex basically saying they were going to meet up and shit and it pissed me off. She should have told me about it, right?"

They considered the question, before Preston finally spoke up. "I think so. Like if you guys are working towards something, she shouldn't hide stuff like that from you."

"Yea, but you have to think about it from her perspective," Mitch said. "She had just found out about Lachlan's anger and jealousy issues and she didn't know the extent of it. She didn't know about the holes in your walls or your extreme overprotective tendencies so she could have kept it to protect you from yourself and honestly herself as well."

I clenched my jaw at what Mitch said, recalling the things she'd said and how much restraint I had to demonstrate to not hit something. He could have been onto something, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

"Well what did the messages say? I feel like that's important," Vikk inquired.

I shook my head, seeing the messages vividly in my head. They weren't overtly romantic and could easily be something strictly platonic, but they had history so how could you keep it friendly? "They were supposed to meet up for a movie and dinner. He said something about being able to change the date if needed to accommodate me basically, but I couldn't tell if he was being sincere when he said that or not. It's just fuckin with me because at the Christmas party he basically gave me his blessing to pursue Kali and now this is happening."

"I don't know man," Rob says shaking his head, "it could honestly go either way. Did you talk to Kali about it?"

I felt a lump form in my throat. I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out.

"Lachlan, you didn't," Mitch said, shaking his head.

"I couldn't help it," I said defeatedly. My eyes wandered to the painting she had created for me for Christmas. I felt my heart ache a little, knowing that there would be a chance we'd never create something together again. I looked away, turning my attention back to the screen. "Something snapped inside of me. I yelled at her. I spoke to her so condescendingly. She told me she only kept it to herself because she didn't want to hurt me and didn't want me to overreact. She said she was trying to get her friend back. I accused her of using me like Jerome had said before. I told her our sex meant nothing to me, knowing good and well how much it meant to her. I made her feel like shit and when she finally spoke up to defend herself, I got even more defensive." I felt the tears begin to sting my eyes. "I don't know if I fucked up or not guys. Was I in the wrong?"

I looked over the faces of my four best friends as they all considered what I had just told them. Vikk was the first to nod, followed by Mitch, then Rob, and finally Preston.

"It's rough dude but I think you need to talk to her. Like as soon as humanly possible," Preston said, his voice soft but urgent.

I dropped my head on the desk, knowing it wouldn't be that easy, especially after this morning. "I don't think she's gonna want to talk to me."

"I mean I'm sure it'll take some time but she seems really understanding," Mitch said reassuringly.

I placed my hands on my face, my palms partially covering my mouth. "No, you don't understand. I fucked up," I said in an almost inaudible tone.

Vikk looked at me with confusion. "It was just one incident, I'm sure you guys can get passed-"

"Guys. Stop, please!" I yelled. I brought my voice down to a whisper, almost scared to say it in the fear that it'll make it real. "I might have slept with one of her friends last night. And she knows about it."

"Bro, what the actual fuck," Rob said, shaking his head. "How did that even happen? How could you be so dumb?"

"Gee thanks for the support," I said sarcastically.

"No, that's beyond stupid, man. What were you thinking?" Rob asked, his eyes dark with judgment and disgust.

"I wasn't! I was drunk and I don't even remember going back to her place. I remember kissing her but nothing else after that. I woke up in her bed in my underwear confused as hell. Kali texted me saying that the girl planned on blackmailing me and that she had somehow convinced her not to. She sent me the picture and guys, I don't even know if we had sex or not, but it's not like it matters to her. She'll never trust me again."

"Wait they know you do YouTube?" Preston asked with concern, casually pushing to the side what I had just said.

"Kali obviously knows, but she said the girl figured it out. I don't know what to do about that situation either. I didn't exactly leave her apartment on the most pleasant of terms. That was, of course, before I found out about the picture. I'm such a fucking idiot," I said, burying my head in my hands once again.

"I can't say you're not," Rob mumbled.

"Shut up, Rob, you're not helping," Mitch threatened.

"No, fuck it. You fucked up. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it for you because you're not a child," Rob said with a scowl. I thought I would get angry by what he said, but instead he made me feel extremely guilty. I knew he was right, we all did, they were all just too scared to confront me about.

"Thanks," I said quietly. My eyes began to water a bit as I truly came to terms with the damage I had done. "You're right. I need to fix this. What do I say to her?"

"Apologize, you dipshit," Vikk mumbled. The other guys chuckled softly as I felt a small smile come across my face. "Sorry, that was meaner than I meant it to be."

"I plan to apologize, I just don't know what to say."

"Go to her apartment and talk to her, I think. Be spontaneous for once," Preston piped in.

"Last time he was spontaneous he got a tattoo," Mitch said with a laugh.

"Fuck you," I said laughing back, looking down at my arm, remembering the completely out of character decision I had made with Kali. "I have to go guys. Gotta girl I have to grovel to."

"Good luck, man. You're gonna need it!" Rob said, waving to the screen before I clicked off.

It took me twenty minutes to get to her apartment. I stopped by the store, picking up a peace offering of our favorite snack to share, chocolate chip cookie dough, hoping that she would think about our first evening together and be willing to speak to me. I cautiously walked to her door, passing by her car so I figured she'd be home. I lifted my hand to knock, hoping her roommates wouldn't be home so that the two of us could be alone.

I knocked three times and waited patiently. Nothing.

I rang the doorbell. Nothing.

I placed my ear against the door and was greeted with silence.

"Kali?" I called out and listened patiently only to be met with the same silence.

I tried calling her phone, and was immediately met with her voicemail. "Hey, Kal. It's me. I just stopped by your apartment and I was just wondering if I could speak to you. I want to talk to you about yesterday. Um, call me when you get the chance and I'll head on over. I guess I'll talk to you later. Bye." I hung up reluctantly, walking towards my car unable to get rid of the uneasy feeling I was left with after walking away from the silent apartment. Where are you Kali?

Kali

I couldn't sleep last night. I sat in my bedroom, leaning against the window as the smoke continued to fill my lungs and then float out of the window. My mind continued to stir as I kept reliving the things Lachlan had said to me. He convinced himself that I was using him. He convinced himself that I was with Reese. He convinced himself that I was someone I wasn't, and I couldn't bring myself to blame him completely.

He's sick, more sick than I had originally thought, so I understood his sudden change in behavior, but I refused to let him make me worse. I needed time and space away from him and most importantly to myself.

I watched as the sun rose before me, admiring the gleam of the of the light against the few trees in my neighborhood. It looked beautiful. I wish I felt as beautiful as the sky looked right now.

I sighed, closing my eyes as I leaned against my window. My body was beginning to feel numb from the lack of sleep, my insane high, and the amount of blood I had lost last night. I mindlessly ran my hands over the multiple, rushed slices scattered across my arms, feeling a pit in my stomach form from the relief of finally letting out the pain I've been feeling but the guilt of retracting back to my old vices after almost four months of not physically hurting myself.

All I could do was stare at them. I wasn't happy or sad or upset in that moment. For the first time in a while, I truly couldn't feel, and I didn't mind it. I let my thoughts drift to the dark place I had been avoiding for so long, no longer caring about the people around me or the attachments they may have had to me. I could end it right now, and I really would have no regrets.

That won't happen of course. I knew I had responsibilities that I needed to tend to, goals I had put forward for myself. I've realized I want to live for me, not for anyone else.

The darkness started to clear a little in my head, some happy memories creeping through as I opened my eyes and glanced over at the photograph Lachlan had given me. I felt a small smile form across my lips. I knew I was falling deeply for him, both with the him I would see on screen and the him I've gotten to know over the past almost four weeks. Even if I never see or hear from him again, I truly hope he ends up happy and healthy. He upset me, but I could still never allow myself to think ill of someone, especially someone I at one point or another cared so deeply for.

"Lachlan," I breathed his name, the memory of his arms around me relaxing my mind, the feel of his hand in mind easing the tension, the sound of his soft snores escaping his mouth acting as a lullaby for me. I snuggled into the oversized university sweater I was wearing, allowing myself to relax enough to sleep for at least a few minutes but not having enough energy to crawl to my bed.

I closed my eyes, my arms propped under my head to elevate it from the floor. I felt myself begin to doze off as I heard my phone ring obnoxiously from beside me, indicating that I had a text. I ignored it at first, but then I received a reminder notification as well as another message. I sighed, blindly reaching for my phone before opening my eyes and looking at the screen. The notification showed they were from Zee, though I learned from yesterday and decided to hide the previews. I realized after I had ordered my Uber that the messages from Reese were displayed on my screen which is more than likely how Lachlan found out about our meeting.

I was skeptical whether I should open her messages or not. It was pretty early in the morning and she almost never texts me, so it could be pretty important. My mind immediately drifted to the worst. What if something happened to Brandon or Ash? I knew she was relatively close to both of them and she partied with them religiously. I felt myself wake up a bit before clicking on my messages and selecting her name.

ZEE: Looks like I win again, huh KD?

ZEE: *Image Preview Loading*

I stared at the messages, confused as I clicked on the link for the image. I instantly regretted it. It didn't click at first as all I noticed was her annoyingly flawless face appearing across the screen. Her hair was cascading atop her pillow as her hazel eyes twinkled in the picture. Her lips were slightly parted as she casually placed her hand lightly on her cheek. It wasn't until I broke concentration on her face that I noticed the figure behind her. At first, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but I knew instantly who it was.

I recognized the pale skin and blond hair. I recognized his bare shoulders and slightly toned pecks, the comforter covering him just enough so that his scarred arms weren't exposed. I recognized the pinks lips that were slightly parted as I could imagine the light snores escaping him.

I couldn't look away from the picture, my eyes studying his features to ensure it was really him. I felt my phone ring in my hand, her name showing up at the top of the screen. I swallowed the lump in my throat, pressing the back button to see what she had sent.

ZEE: How much do you think I could get to not post it online? I'm sure it would ruin his pure little internet personality, so it has to be worth something.

ZEE: Yes, I know he does YouTube and shit. You idiots do realize that if you literally just type in Lachlan on Google, his channel is the first thing that pops up right? Not to mention an insane amount of pictures of him. Your little singing videos are adorbs, by the way.

I read over her messages, my heart sinking at the thought of her exposing him. I felt myself become angry and defensive, pushing aside the betrayal and jealousy I felt at the thought of seeing them in bed together. I carefully considered what I wrote before I sent her anything, knowing how manipulative and conniving she could be.

KALI: You're right, you win. Just like always, right Zee? Look, I don't care that you slept together, I truly hope the best for the two of you. I think you honestly deserve each other. All I ask is that as a fan and as a person, please don't post that anywhere. It would ruin his career and you would literally have that on your shoulders.

KALI: You won't be known as the girl that slept with the YouTuber, you'll be known as the girl who ruined the innocence of a bunch of young children who look up to him as a role model. Do you really want that over you?

I held my breath after sending the messages, knowing that you can never really predict how Zee will react.

ZEE: The fact that you actually think I care about all of that is cute

ZEE: But seriously, I will post this after he wakes up if he doesn't offer to pay me something

I looked at her message, my stomach tightening as I considered the possible outcomes. If she confronts him about this, he won't get better any sooner. He'll have a harder time learning to trust and I feel like he'd turn to his old methods for coping which is the last thing I would want to happen. I bit my lip, pushing my emotions aside and focusing only on the blond boy who was possibly still sleeping in my acquaintance's bed.

KALI: How much do you want?

ZEE: Please, like you would be able to pay off want I want

KALI: Get the fuck over yourself. I'm offering you $300 to delete the picture and never post it anywhere. I don't care if you brag to our friends about fucking him, I really don't. But I swear to God if you ruin his life, I will get everyone to dead you.

KALI: Please don't test me Zee. I don't want to do it, but you know if I tell them to drop you, they will without a second thought. I don't want to do that to you, so don't make me

I saw her typing and deleting whatever she was writing multiple times, obviously rethinking whatever she intended to write. She knew that the guys were closer to me and if I asked them to distance themselves from Zee, they would, however I would never be such a selfish person to ask for such a thing. I hoped Zee accepted my offer, not wanting to be the reason her life at the moment changed so drastically.

ZEE: Fine, send me the money and I'll delete it. You know I'm a lot of things, but you know I'm a woman of my word first and foremost.

I let out a sigh of relief, sending her over the money and texting her the confirmation. She said she had deleted it and I had no choice but to believe her. She didn't extend the conversation any further, which I appreciated.

I closed my eyes, trying to push the incident aside, but I couldn't. I groaned as I opened the picture again, looking at how peaceful he looked laying beside someone else. I suppose what he said was true: having sex yesterday really did mean nothing. I felt sick, knowing I gave him a part of me I never could get back and I couldn't help but wonder whether he had been with other girls while I was away, though I knew deep down he didn't.

I guess I really didn't mean as much to him as he did to me. I looked at the photo again, attaching it to message before pressing send and shutting off my phone.

KALI: She figured out who you were. I convinced her not to post the picture anywhere and asked her to delete it, but I don't know if she will. I'm glad you enjoyed your evening so much. Goodbye, Lachlan.

I felt tears fall from my eyes and it confused me. I suppose I wasn't as numb as I thought.

I laid in bed, my thoughts drifting from my family to school to work to him. Analys and Carina would be gone for the next few days so they wouldn't be able to distract me, not that I had the energy or will to leave my room. I couldn't be bothered to get out and eat or drink anything. My body was numbed to such trivial things like those, and I knew all they would do is sustain my life just a little bit more, which I didn't care for at the moment.

I stayed in silence for hours until I heard a knock on my front door. My heart stopped, scared of who it could possibly be. Was it Reese worried that I hadn't responded since yesterday? I really didn't want to face him right now, I simply wasn't ready to.

I heard the doorbell ring, and I laid still, scared that the person outside could hear even the slightest stir even though my room was the furthest from the front. My stomach dropped as I heard a familiar, Australian voice calling my name from outside. I felt the tears fall from my eyes again as I slowly began to rock back and forth on my bed, quietly cursing him and wishing him away.

I'm not ok.

I'm getting worse.

I don't know what to do.