English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
Season of Farewell
Chapter 17: The Answer I
Sitting on his chair, Athrun gave a sidelong look to his phone on the corner of his desk. He had succeeded in pushing the text from Meyrin to the back of his mind while dealing with the math problems. But then, his grandmother had kept bringing Cagalli up at dinner, which inevitably reminded him of the problem in his love life. And during bath time after that, a thought that the way he was handling the text might be rude had started bugging him.
Since he had opened the application to check the text, there must be a read icon on it. Meyrin might be wondering whether he was ignoring her. Even if she wasn't, he couldn't possibly keep postponing replying to the text until he was completely ready, which could take weeks, if not months. It was beyond rude; his upbringing wouldn't allow him to behave in such a way. Then, he might as well get it over with.
Letting out a long sigh and bracing himself for whatever was in the text, he reluctantly picked up the phone and tapped the screen. His mouth slightly opened as he read the text.
Hello. I hope your study is going well.
I forgot to mention the other day, but Cagalli-senpai asked me to keep an eye on you because none of your friends will be in your college.
Good luck with your exams.
His eyes moved over the sentences again and again, almost disbelievingly. As the meaning of the text, its implication, slowly sank into him, it shook him so much that he didn't even feel relieved that she had not mentioned anything about her confession or her feelings for him. His throat closed up and there was a burning sensation behind his eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut and took several deep breathes before writing a return text.
Thank you for telling me.
His hands trembled a little as he typed and sent it. Then he let go of the phone and leaned against his seat. As he stared at the ceiling, his eyes were moist.
Cagalli had been thinking about him, about what was good for him, while he was absorbed with himself, struggling with his selfish desire or wallowing in self-pity, even after she had learned that he was selfish enough to try to make her give up her dream for him. She had accepted the selfishness as a part of him and still cared about him. What he had not been able to comprehend during the earlier talk with her was finally driven home to him: she still cherished their relationship. And she cherished him.
She had been working on helping him, trying to make sure he would be all right while following his dream when he couldn't even completely accept her following her dream, let alone support her or help her. She had done so with no regard to whether they would still be in a relationship in college, with no regard to whether he gave her what she wanted. When they had talked this afternoon, he had sensed that she wasn't certain about his answer, that even though she was hoping it didn't turn out that way, she was prepared for their romantic relationship to end if he chose it.
And most certainly, she had not even considered letting him know about her effort to help him. She wasn't doing it because she wanted him to thank her or she wanted something in return. She was doing it because she cared and loved. Because she just wanted him to be all right and happy. It was the kind of person she was.
The emotions swirling inside him were so intense that he felt a little dizzy. He was embarrassed, almost ashamed, that he had been so selfish, especially compared to her. He was angry at himself for not having been a better person, not having been acting in a better, maturer way. He was grateful for what she had done for him. He was happy she cared about him so much.
More than anything, he was in love.
It was as if Meyrin's text, Cagalli's action it told him, had unlocked the gate inside him which had been holding back his feelings for Cagalli for months and the feelings were bursting out, filling his whole body, whole being, and then pouring out to warm and light up the air around him.
His arms were aching for her, wanting to embrace her with all their might. His entire body was aching for her, wanting to connect with her so deeply that it felt like they were one. His heart was aching for her, wanting to show her how strong and deep his love for her was. He wouldn't mind cutting open his chest and pluck out his heart to lay it at her feet in order to prove his love to her.
A smile tugged at his lips. But then, she wouldn't be happy if he did such a thing. Many girls might be touched by such a grand gesture of love, but not his girlfriend. Not Cagalli. She would be infuriated that he was hurting himself, because of her no less, and order him to put his heart back in place right away so that they could take care of his wound—unless she was already trying to put it back herself, that is. He was sure about it.
That was how she was. That was the girl he loved.
He closed his eyes, his mind wandering back to the beginning of their relationship, the first time he had felt longing for her. It had not been nearly as intense as he was feeling right now, but it was still significant. He had already been somewhat attracted to her the first day they had met, or maybe even before that. But it was in the end of April of their freshmen year, about three weeks after they had met, that he had started to feel something more powerful and deeper, a stronger pull.
At that time, he had been quite busy preparing for the school festival. Dearka, who had offered himself to become the representative of their class for the School Festival Planning Committee, had often skipped the committee meeting. As the president of their class, Athrun had had to step in for the blond at the meetings or take care of the tasks assigned to the blond.
In addition to it, Dearka had often come up with crazy ideas like using fireworks while some of their classmates were dancing and playing music on stage or letting those who performed on stage wear flamboyant costumes which were too expensive to order and too time-consuming and complicated to create; Athrun had had to turn it down each time.
He had been tired and frustrated, working as a substitute for a planning committee member while doing the job for a class president. And he had been the class president only because Dearka had nominated him for the job and there had been no other candidate.
Cagalli had also been in the planning committee. Loving festivals, she had nominated herself as the representative of her class. They had sometimes worked side by side.
One day, they had been making decorations together and their conversation had somehow led to her commenting, "I'm impressed you manage working two jobs. I'd probably be freaking out with all the tasks and deadlines if I were in your position."
He had replied, "I don't have any other choice because Dearka is neglecting his responsibility." His voice had revealed a lot more irritation than he had meant.
Her face had appeared a little surprised. He himself had felt surprised, then embarrassed. She had the tendency to make him more at ease, more open, than usual, but he had not been used to it yet.
He had been about to offer an apology when she had asked, "Can't someone else in your class fill Dearka's role? Then, you wouldn't have to work so hard."
He had hesitated. "Well...I don't know who I can count on, who is reliable. I don't know my classmates well yet, you know."
In addition to his general reluctance to ask for help, he had not yet had a friend in his class, except for Dearka, since school had begun only less than a month ago. Though he had had no intention of revealing that much.
She had casually said, "Just go with your instincts then. Ask someone you think is nice, and if they refuse to help or turn out unreliable, you can ask someone else. Eventually, you'll find someone you can count on, yeah?"
He had been a little taken aback by the suggestion which seemed like a rather too straightforward approach to the matter.
"And you can get to know your classmates through the preparation," she had continued. "Through working together. After all, that's why we have the school festival at this time of year, right? To make it easier for us to become friends."
He had blinked. That thought had never occurred to him, but it actually had made some sense.
Regarding his amazed face, she let out a chuckle and patted his shoulder. "You're rather stiff, huh? You should loosen up a bit."
He might have felt somewhat offended or embarrassed if it was someone else. However, there had been something about the way she had said it or acted that made him feel relaxed. He had felt she was simply acknowledging that was how he was and taking him as he was, not looking down on him or making fun of him. So he had just replied that he would think about her suggestion.
Two days later, the planning committee had assigned some new tasks to him—well, to Dearka to be exact. The tasks had not been impossible for him to handle by himself, but it had felt to him like the time to seriously consider getting some assistants. Cagalli's simple thinking, the way she had treated his situation as if it was nothing to ponder about, had probably affected him.
Thus, he had picked several classmates with whom he had talked before and who seemed okay, and politely asked them to assist him in the tasks for the committee. He had thought that even if they refused to help or turned out to be slackers, the situation wouldn't be much worse than now, especially since he was asking several people, not one person.
It had been easier than he had expected. Most of them had readily agreed to lend a hand. One of them had even admitted she actually had been wanting to help but had not known how to approach him. He had made a mental note that he probably needed to learn how to delegate better, silently thanking Cagalli for her advice. With the help of those classmates of his, the tasks had been completed soon.
A couple of days later, Cagalli had brought him another surprise. She had scolded Dearka for not fulfilling his duties and dragged him to Athrun's desk, then made Dearka apologize and swear he would work harder in the future.
It seemed to have helped that Yzak and Miriallia, overhearing Cagalli and Dearka's exchange, had also berated the purple-eyed blond for slacking off. After that, Dearka had done a better job as their class' representative in the committee, though Athrun still had to give his help.
In late May, the school festival had been held and the dance and music show their class performed had been successful. Athrun had enjoyed a feeling of accomplishment, thinking all his hard work had paid off.
He had also been amazed and moved by what Cagalli had done. Being in a different class, she had not had to concern herself with what was going on in his class. There had been no reason for her to have to try to improve the situation. Athrun could have probably managed the committee work without her intervention; she wouldn't have been troubled by Dearka slacking off.
But Cagalli wouldn't leave someone alone in trouble, especially her friend. She was a loyal friend and a compassionate person who went out of her way to help others.
And after the show, she had sought him out to congratulate him and praise him for his effort. There had been a wide smile on her face; she had looked so happy about the success of the show, as if it was her class that had performed.
Their conversation had been brief, and she had taken off with haste to fulfill her duties. With disappointment, he had stared at her back disappearing into the crowd. He had wanted her to stay, look at him and smile at him again. He had even felt like chasing after her, though he couldn't since he also had some duties to fulfill.
While he was taking care of the tasks, the longing for her had not been gone. From time to time, he had glanced around to check whether she wasn't around. She had reappeared in his sight several times though they didn't have another chance to properly talk that day. Most of the time, she had even been too busy working to notice his gaze. Still, getting a glimpse of her had made him feel satisfied, though it made him want more at the same time.
Since then, he had felt more compelled to spend time with her and tried to, which wasn't difficult for they were no longer busy preparing for the school festival. It had been comfortable to be with her.
He didn't have much idea on what to talk with girls about except school or club activities. But he had never had a trouble finding a topic while chatting with Cagalli. Partly because she had many topics to offer thanks to her curious nature; partly because her interests weren't girly stuff: sports, adventures, animals (not just cute ones, but rather big and wild ones), action movies, and so on.
She was also eager to both try for the stuff her friends liked and introduce her friends to the things she liked, eager to find more things they could enjoy together. And she was simply easy to talk with, and fun to listen to.
One of the interests they shared was mystery fiction. He mostly read novels while she usually watched TV shows and movies and read mangas. Early in their friendship, even before the school festival actually, he had found out that there was another big difference. He liked the genre because he enjoyed trying to solve the mystery; her reason was because bad people got punished in the end most of the time, which gave her satisfaction.
Learning of the difference had been surprising, but somewhat refreshing and interesting, as with her viewpoint on other subjects. He had also been able to share her frustration and anger toward bad people running around freely, though he himself didn't mind it much when it was fiction. He cared more about whether the story was good and logical.
A little after the school festival, he, on a whim, had made a list of some mystery novels he had read and thought she might like, then texted it to her. She had texted a thanks. A few days later, however, Dearka, somehow having heard about it, had lectured him that it was nerdy, and pushy not in a good way, and wasn't the best approach to get close to a girl.
Although he had dismissed the comment for he had not done it to court her, Athrun had started to worry he might have been a little intrusive. Dearka knew girls better than he did after all. When he had run into Cagalli later, he had told her that she didn't have to read the books on the list and could erase the list if she wanted.
She had given him a confused face before saying, "Why would I want to erase it? It seems like a good list. In fact, I just used it." She had just come back from the school library and the book in her hand had been one of those on the list. With a smile, she had continued, "The title and the synopsis sound interesting and I'm looking forward to reading it. Thanks again for the list, Athrun." He had felt quite relieved.
Returning the favor, she had lent him DVDs: one from a detective TV show and the other an action movie "everyone should watch." He had enjoyed both of them enough. They had kept exchanging the names of books, movies, TV shows, and sometimes even mangas though he usually didn't read them. Those had not been limited to mystery, but been of various genres. And they had exchanged their opinions on them as well.
They had also gone out often, mostly with their friends or at least Kira, but sometimes alone. One of the times when they went to a movie theater without others, they had come across a storm. The storm had started up while they were watching a mystery movie. As they debated whether to leave the theater now or wait, the sound of thunder had roared, lighting striking somewhere near. Startled, she had hugged his arm, her body tense and her eyes nervously scanning the sky through the window, her face half scared, half annoyed.
Cagalli didn't like thunders, though she insisted they just surprised her rather than frightened her. He had seen her cling to Kira or her friends at the sound before. But it had been the first time she had done it with him; he had felt strongly protective of her. Putting his hand on her back, he had gently steered her toward the stairs, suggesting they stay at a cafe upstairs until the storm calmed down. Relief evident in her face, she had agreed. They had ended up talking in the cafe for nearly three hours, which he thoroughly enjoyed. Such a thing had never happened to him before except the times when he was discussing robots with Kira.
He had liked spending time with her, not even once feeling uncomfortable in her presence. Even after he accidentally showed her his vulnerability.
In the beginning of August that year, the Hibiki twins had taken him and their other friends, including some from their middle school, to their grandfather's villa on a beach. They had even invited Lacus whom Athrun had just introduced to them a little before that.
On the third day, he had gone strolling the beach with Cagalli, Yzak, Dearka, Miriallia, Miriallia's boyfriend, and two girls while Kira, Nicol, Lacus, Fllay, and two boys stayed at the villa. They had had their lunch at a small eatery which looked half deserted.
At the time they entered the eatery, Athrun had been particularly tired partly because of the heat and partly because Yzak had been more irritable than usual, trying to pick a fight with Athrun at every chance he got. Athrun had ignored the silver-head's attitude as he usually did, but it didn't change it had been bothersome.
When he was almost done with his meal, his body had started itching here and there, along with nausea inside, which he identified as allergic reactions. The menu had not said that cold eggplant au gratin he had ordered contained fish to which he was allergic. He still should have asked, but had been careless because of weariness.
Not wanting to trouble the others, he had excused himself to go to the bathroom which was located outside, meaning to stay away from them until the reactions calmed down. As he went out under the blazing sun, however, he had felt dizzy and lost his balance. He had bumped into someone, and feeling a sharp pain on his head as his body hit something hard. He had tried to keep standing, but his body had not listened to him, sliding down the wall to the ground.
Although he had felt people gathering around him, including his friends judging from the familiar voices coming near, he had not been able to lift his face. The rest was blurred. He remembered being carried into a car by a few people, but he had passed out not long after it started moving.
When he regained consciousness, it had already been at sundown. He had been lying on a hospital bed with Cagalli sitting on a chair next to the bed. Handing him a bottle of water, she had explained that he had hit his head on the eatery's wall and had been brought to a hospital. His friends, including her, had been aware of his allergy and doctors had treated it as well as a bump on his head. Doctors had preferred him to stay for the night, and their friends had gone back to the villa except for her. Although the hospital normally didn't allow visitors to spend a night there, the owner was a friend of her grandfather's and she had let Cagalli stay.
Still feeling tired and nauseous, he had released a deep sigh and said, "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" She had sounded puzzled.
"This shouldn't have happened. I'm usually careful and good at avoiding fish. ...I hate this," he had said bitterly. He had hated the situation, helplessly lying on a bed and being looked after because of mere fish. He hated being allergic, being so vulnerable, especially in front of other people. He should be stronger, not so weak, especially in front of girls.
She had seemed to still not understand. "But it's not your fault the menu didn't say the dish contained fish. Or that you have an allergy." She had paused, then added, "You have a tendency to make a weird apology, don't you?"
He had been silent for a while, unsure how to respond. "But I ruined your vacation...or at least your day. You could be doing something fun instead of being stuck here with me."
As he glanced, she had shrugged. "I could be out there doing something else if I wanted. I'm here because I want to. So it's nothing you have to feel sorry for, either."
Unable to find any more things to say, he had just looked at her. She had looked back as if he was a handful child, which no one had ever treated him like, and reached out to gently caress his hair.
"Stop beating yourself up and go back to sleep. You still need to rest."
Her voice and the way she stroked his head had also made him feel like a child, which he normally didn't like. And yet, somehow he had felt comfortable, even safe. Soon, he had drifted into sleep.
The next morning, when he woke up again, he had felt embarrassed not just because he had collapsed but also because he had shown such weakness to her during the conversation afterward. However, after asking him whether he was all right, she had acted like nothing—aside from his injury and fainting—had happened. She had not been pretending to make him feel better. She was easy to read and he probably could have told.
It had seemed that what had happened the previous day, including comforting him, had truly been nothing exceptional to her. Her attitude had been a little confusing, but relaxing, and he had not been able to hold onto his mortification for long despite Yzak and Dearka making fun of him.
He had also learned from Lacus a couple of days later that Cagalli had called the eatery and asked the owner to note on the menu that the dish contained fish oil. When he had mentioned that, Cagalli had said with a reassuring smile, "If we went there again and had forgotten it contained fish, you'd be fine now."
He had not thought he would possibly forget, but had thanked her anyway, feeling a little amused. Though he became a little concerned later since it seemed to mean she would forget it if it were her, which could be dangerous. He had decided to put more effort into watching out for her.
After the incident, or rather their exchange at the hospital, he had felt closer to her, felt even more at ease around her. That might be why Kira had asked him whether he romantically liked Cagalli in the end of August. Athrun had avoided answering the question for he honestly didn't know the answer.
He had been clearly attracted to her. He had been aware of it. He had quite liked her and wanted to spend time with her. He had not minded dating her, holding her hand and kissing her and more. He had actually liked the idea of touching her in a more intimate way. He had been feeling like that for a while.
Still, he had not known whether it meant he was in love with her. Cagalli had been one of the closest friends he had ever had, and the only girl he had become that close to. He had thought he might be feeling that way because of the closeness he had never experienced.
And he had heard that attraction could fade after some time, which often led to the end of the relationship. In the case of some of his friends, like Dearka, Rusty, and Miguel, attraction had seemed to last for a particularly short time. They had flirted with a girl and gone on dates, then become disinterested in her after a few months, sometimes just after a few weeks, which often made the girl cry or angry.
In middle school, Athrun had once witnessed a girl with angry tears slap Miguel—who was senior to Athrun by a year and in the student council along with Athrun, Nicol, Yzak, and Dearka—in front of the student council office after such a relationship, or whatever they called it. Not that Miguel had been a bad person. He had been a reliable and generous guy, well-liked by people around him, especially his juniors. From the older guy had said, he had just been "not good at serious relationships."
Dearka's record with girls had not been any better. Even Athrun, who wasn't interested in gossips, knew that the blond was infamous for breaking girls' hearts. In Dearka's case, the problem had seemed like the lack of interest in anything serious.
At least, Rusty had appeared to have never had serious, and messy, conflicts with a girl. He was the kind of person who got away with almost anything thanks to his charm, whether the trouble was with girls or classmates or teachers. All the same, the orange-head had had only short-term relationships or casual dates with one girl after another, except that he was usually in good terms with those girls after their "breakup."
Having seen their behaviors at a close distance throughout his middle school years, Athrun had had little faith in attraction. It had not been like he didn't believe in having a serious relationship or all of his friends weren't capable of it. Nicol had dated one girl—a nice girl who was in the same class as Nicol in their senior year in middle school and made a cute couple with him—for about a year before they broke up during the summer break of their first year in high school, a little before Kira questioned Athrun about his feelings for Cagalli, in fact.
It seemed like between going to different schools and Nicol being busy with his piano practice, they had not been able to spend much time together and the girl had felt too lonely. Nicol had looked sad while talking about the breakup. Athrun knew Nicol had really cared about the girl and still cared about her after they had broken up.
He just had not been sure whether his feelings for Cagalli were something lasting like Nicol's feelings for his girlfriend or something short-lived like his other friends' feelings for many girls. He had not wanted to disturb his relationship with Cagalli, or that with her brother, because of such an uncertain feeling. Both of the twins had been too important to him to act carelessly. She had been too important.
Although she had strong opinions and they had sometimes argued, she wasn't unreasonable, honestly admitting her mistakes and acknowledging his point. She was self-assertive, but considerate. She respected other people's will and wishes; although she didn't hesitate to say someone was wrong when she thought so, she didn't force her beliefs on them. And she paid attention to and cared about other people's feelings.
She was competitive, but not a sore loser, openly praising her opponent, and even their victory, when she admired their skill. She was open and sincere. Her words and actions were uncomplicated, though sometimes weird, and never malicious, though sometimes too straightforward. She had a quick temper, but was just as quick to forget or forgive. She could be childish and handful, but was amusing and endearing.
And she cared and loved fiercely.
In the end of September, during the preparation for the sport festival, a senior guy—whose name they learned later was Orga Sabnak—who was carrying lumbers for platforms had knocked Kira over with them, too engrossed in his conversation with his friends to pay attention to his surroundings. Athrun and Cagalli had been with Kira when it had happened.
It had been an accident and Kira had not gotten injured much: just a bump in the head and scratches from falling on the ground. The problem was that the Sabnak guy had refused to apologize, saying that it wasn't his fault and that Kira shouldn't have been loitering like a fool. The guy had even laughed and commented that Kira would probably look more like a man if he had a scar and that he could knock him down again if Kira wanted.
The comments, or rather the whole attitude of Sabnak's, had made Cagalli furious. She had marched up to him who was laughing with his friends and grabbed his shirt, demanding for an apology. He had looked surprised, then become angry, shoving her hand away. He had probably been humiliated that a girl, a freshman girl no less, had confronted him like that in front of his friends. Making a fist, he had threatened her that if she wasn't a girl, he would punch her in the face. Making her own fist, she had told him to go ahead, and that she would punch him back.
Belatedly, Athrun and Kira had rushed to her sides and grabbed her, trying to drag her away. She had refused to leave, yelling at them to let her go and struggling hard to free herself. Before she broke the hold, though, a teacher had noticed the ruckus and come to scold them.
Athrun had thought it was over then. He had been mistaken. The next day, Cagalli had gone to the senior floor, found Sabnak, and challenged him to a race. The rule had been simple: If she won, he would apologize to her brother; if he won, she would do whatever he told her to do. From what Athrun heard later, it was Nicol who had suggested to her to take a more peaceful approach than an actual fight. Sabnak had accepted her challenge.
Hearing the news, Athrun had felt conflicted. He had been relieved that it wasn't a fist fight; he had been worried about what the guy would make her do if she lost. Together with Kira, he had tried to talk her out of it, but she had been adamant.
"I can't just let him get away with such a behavior. It's also my job to protect, and take care of, my little brother," she had declared.
"I don't care about what he says, Cagalli," Kira had said, "or if he apologizes. It's really not a big deal." Despite his attempt to persuade his sister, he had looked almost resigned as if he knew his words couldn't change her mind.
And she had not seemed to be wavering at all. "It is to me. I'm not okay with someone treating my brother like that even if you yourself don't mind it."
Sensing that it would be futile to try to stop her, Athrun had offered, "If you really want to get that guy to apologize, then let me run against him in your stead." He had meant to take on the price of loss as well if he lost, though he was pretty confident he could win.
Her response had been, "No, Athrun. This is my battle to fight."
He had been momentarily speechless, awed by the blazing fire in her eyes. The amber eyes had looked as if they were made of gold, bright and firm, though they were too full of life and passion to be made of metal.
Kira had also offered to run since it was about him after all. She had looked at her brother as if he had said a stupid thing and told him he couldn't win. She had probably been right; although he was fine at sports, Kira wasn't an athlete or competitive. They had heard the Sabnak guy was a member of the swimming club. Although he was probably not excellent at running, the guy had still been an athlete and must have known how to compete.
The race had been held after school a week later. Meanwhile, Cagalli had asked one of her classmates who belonged to the track club to teach her how to run faster; she had come early to school and spent the time before class began preparing for the race even though it must be tiring since she had volleyball practice almost every day after school and practice for the games she was going to participate in in the sport festival often during lunch breaks. She had always looked sleepy and Kira had told Athrun that she was sleeping most of the time at their home. But her stubborn effort to win had continued until the day before the race.
The weather had been fine on the day of the race and there had been a crowd not just on the school ground but by classroom windows facing it. Even teachers had been watching the race curiously. Cagalli had somehow talked two teachers into the race as neutral judges: Fllaga and Waldfeld. Then again, it probably had not taken her much effort, considering both of the teachers liked to watch commotions, if not joining them. Athrun and Kira had decided to wait at the goal with anxious faces.
It had been a quite close match. The two runners had been neck and neck. It had looked like they had made it to the goal at the same time and only the stopwatches in the teachers' hands had told them Cagalli was the winner.
Both Cagalli and Sabnak had just panted for a while before she walked to him and demanded he keep the promise. He had been silent for a little more, sitting on the ground and looking at the dirt. Then he had glanced around before slowly standing up to say he was sorry, though he didn't really look sorry. She had told him, "Don't apologize to me. It's my brother you should apologize to," pointing a finger at Kira. Sabnak had given her an irritated face, but walked over to Kira and repeated the apology. Watching it, Cagalli had smiled a bright, satisfied smile. Noticing the happy ending, the audience had cheered and applauded.
Athrun had been one of the clapping ones. Although he still thought this whole thing had been reckless, he had felt great admiration. She had gone through all the trouble to achieve her goal, and it had not been for herself, but for someone she cared about. She was a fighter, determined to do what she believed in and protect her loved ones.
He had not been able to take his eyes off her and his pulse had accelerated as he walked over to her. She had turned the bright smile to him, which became even more brilliant as he congratulated her. The smile had been so precious. She was so precious. No one had ever moved him like she did. His heart had swelled with affection—and love. The feeling had been so strong and clear that there was no longer a doubt in him.
He had almost hugged her right then and there, and told her how important she was to him. But before he had taken an action, her friends and classmates had rushed to their sides, praising her and unknowingly interrupting him.
And as time passed, he had had second thoughts about confessing his feelings to her. His love for her had been firm in his heart now, and he had been certain that it was nothing temporary. That it was true and deep, and surely going to last long.
But knowing it had made him afraid. She had not seemed to be looking for a romantic relationship. Nor had she ever shown that kind of interest in him. He had been worried that his confession might drive her away. He had never wanted to lose her from his life, and had thought it might be best if he pretended he felt only friendship toward her.
But then, after the sport festival, something completely unexpected had happened. The Sabnak guy had asked Cagalli to be his girlfriend, which Athrun heard from Kira. Athrun didn't know whether the guy had been actually taken with her or just tried to play a prank on her as a revenge, though Kira was sure it was the latter. He didn't know which he would prefer, either. He would be angry if Sabnak had just tried to toy with her, meaning to hurt her; he would be jealous if the guy had had genuine feelings for her. Either way, she had turned Sabnak down without hesitation. Athrun had been greatly relieved to hear that.
Sabnak had not accepted Cagalli's rejection graciously and had taken every chance to harass her afterward, though it was unclear whether he had behaved that way because of the rejection or the loss of the race. In either case, he had not been able to cause real damage. Cagalli wasn't the type to silently endure harassment; Athrun, Kira, and the other friends of hers had intervened and helped her chase Sabnak away when they were with her.
And it had worked in their favor that Sabnak was a senior and had to be concerned about teachers' opinions of him which would hold some importance in coming college entrance exams; it seemed that he had not been able to afford to create scenes or being reported for bullying especially after the verbal brawl and the race with Cagalli. He had mostly stuck to throwing some mean words to her when they encountered, and it had not been much more than "loser's whining" as she called it.
However, Sabnak, unintentionally and unknowingly, had succeeded to cause a disturbance in Athrun's mind by asking Cagalli out in the first place. The incident had made Athrun realize the grim possibility that she might date someone else someday, which he didn't like at all. Just thinking about the possibility had made him sick and bitter. He had been conflicted between wanting to take the chance that she would agree to date him so that he could keep her to himself, and wanting to protect his current relationship with her even at the cost of having to watch her dating another guy.
He had never been the type to eagerly take risks; he preferred to play safe. Staying friends with her had been the safer option; he could probably secure her presence in his life that way. But then, the possibility that she might agree to get into a relationship with him had been too appealing to dismiss easily; he could feel safer, no longer having to worry about losing her to her boyfriend someday. He had known the gain would be much bigger if he took risks. He just had not been able to gather the courage to do so.
Until his birthday that year. The day before, he had been invited to Lacus's home to find that his friends had planned a surprise birthday party which was also a slumber party. They had spent the night at the house.
He had shared a bedroom with Kira and Nicol; they had let him take the bed since it was his birthday party. He had shared a bedroom with Kira and Nicol; they had let him take the bed since it was his birthday party. Kira had brought two T-shirts and two sweatpants with him and lent one of each to Athrun for Athrun had not known he was going to have a sleepover and not brought any clothes; Kira had also prepared a piece of underwear that was new and unused and given it to Athrun.
As they were preparing for bed, Kira had casually told him that it was Cagalli who had come up with the idea of surprise party and done most of the preparation. She had not wanted Athrun to spend his birthday alone; he had told her a few weeks before that his father would be neither interested in his birthday nor at home on the day.
Kira's words had been unexpected and touching. Athrun had not thought much about it when he had confided in her. He had just wanted her to listen for it would make him feel a little better, and give him some comfort, which she did. He had not expected her to do anything more than that.
Then again, probably he should have known. She wasn't a person who would leave someone, especially someone she cared about, unhappy. She would try hard to make them feel better. As he had thought even before actually knowing her, she was like the sun: bright and warm. And like fire, her namesake, she brought light and warmth to night, protecting him from the dark and the cold.
Standing in the bathroom of a guestroom at Lacus's house, he had closed his eyes, basking in the warmth, and opening his eyes, felt that the world looked brighter. He had known it was a silly illusion, but not really cared. He had just wanted to hug her as tightly as he could and kiss her with all his feelings.
And he had realized that he didn't want to remain friends with her. That he wanted more. He had wanted to be as close to her as possible, in every way he could. That night, he had made up his mind that he was going to go for her.
He had not planned to do it soon, though. He had had to be cautious so that he wouldn't ruin his relationship with her. He had decided that the best way was letting her know his feelings little by little, which hopefully made her develop the same feelings for him. He had been grateful to Kira for telling him about Cagalli's role concerning the surprise party when she wasn't around. If she had been there, he would probably have succumbed to his desire to hug her and kiss her, and scared her away as he had been afraid.
Since Kira had unknowingly prepared him, however, he had been able to keep his calm appearance when he had seen her the next morning. Catching sight of him, her face had morphed into a wide smile. She had come trotting to shout, "Happy birthday, Athrun!" She had looked quite happy to celebrate it with him, almost as happy as he was feeling, which made him even happier.
He had not been able to help smiling widely and affectionately as he replied, "Thank you. And thank you for the party, too. Kira told me you'd planned it and did a lot of work to make it happen."
They had been in Lacus's sunroom. Under the morning sunlight, Cagalli's hair had been shining brightly, almost radiating, her eyes deep and pure gold with a fire glowing inside them. She had looked more beautiful than ever and he had not been able to believe his fortune, how lucky he was that he had met her. It had felt like there was nothing more amazing than the fact that she was in front of him, in his life.
As if drawn to her, his hand had cupped her cheek; he had barely restrained himself from doing more. Her skin had been warm and soft. It had not been the first time he had touched her. It had still felt special and his heart had beaten fast.
She had not pushed away his hand or replied to him, just staring at him. He had not been quite able to understand her expression. Confused, or maybe dazed. He had not really tried or cared. The only thing that had mattered to him at that moment was that she was there, where he could touch her. Everything else had seemed so trivial.
He had felt lightheaded, as if he was floating in the air, and settled, as if he had found a place to anchor after being adrift for some time though he had not known he was drifting, all at once. She lifted him up and got him connected. The two feelings had seemed almost contradictory and yet gone perfectly with each other, creating a sweet, wonderful sensation together. He had not minded staying that way, savoring the sensation and the feel of her skin, for hours, even days.
However, to his great disappointment and annoyance, Yzak had come from somewhere and said something, which Athrun didn't quite get for all of his attention was on Cagalli as if, like the sun, she attracted everything toward her. Even with the interruption, he had still been half feeling like he was in a blissful world where only he and Cagalli existed or mattered.
But she had jumped, looking as if she had been pulled out of a daydream. She had looked back and forth between him and Yzak, blinking rapidly, before giving her head a hard shake. Then she had almost shouted she was hungry and dashed to the table where the others were sitting. For some reason, though, she had gone straight to Kira to hug her brother as if asking for help, instead of grabbing some food. She had made Kira nearly choke on the croissant he had been eating.
Going to get something to eat himself, Athrun had sent puzzled and longing glances to Cagalli whose arms were still around Kira's neck. She had appeared like she had had quite a surprise though he wasn't sure why.
She had continued to act weirdly until they parted that day, not meeting his gaze, which was quite unusual for her. He had become worried, wondering whether he had done something to offend her without realizing it. But when they had met the next day at school, she had almost returned to normal and the awkwardness had soon disappeared, to his relief.
A couple of weeks later, he had told Kira that he wanted Cagalli to become his girlfriend. He had been nervous. Although they had been friends for years, he had known his best friend was quite protective of his sister, which Athrun could understand. He had prepared himself for things between him and Kira becoming awkward for some time.
After Athrun had closed his mouth, Kira had studied him for a moment, then asked, "Are you serious about this? I mean, I know you are. But how serious? Will you give up if I say I don't want you to pursue her?"
Athrun had swallowed hard, but he had expected that much. "No," he had said without hesitation, then added hurriedly, "I respect your wish to protect your sister. And I'm not making light of our friendship. But...I really like Cagalli." His cheeks had warmed up at the declaration. "I'm not going to do anything any time soon if you aren't okay with it. However, I'm not going to give her up." He had just hoped Kira would come around after a while.
A dozen of heartbeats later, Kira had simply said, "You're saying it to the wrong person."
"Huh?"
"You should say it to Cagalli instead of me."
Athrun had stared at his friend for a minute before asking, "Does that mean you are fine with this?"
Kira had casually lifted his shoulder. "Yeah. You're a good guy. I think I can trust you with my sister." A pause, then he had added a little warningly, "I won't forgive you, though, if you make her cry."
With a nod, Athrun had said earnestly, "I know." He had had no intention of doing such a thing.
"Okay then." Kira had given a pat to Athrun's shoulder. "Good luck. When are you going to ask her out?"
His shoulders sagging with relief, Athrun had told Kira about his plan to make her gradually notice his feelings. Kira had not really agreed with him, saying it was a too roundabout approach. Still, Athrun had been adamant about going as planned.
The death of Tolle, the twins' childhood friend and Miriallia's boyfriend, had actually affected his plan. Toll had died in a road accident in the beginning of the next year, a little before the winter break ended.
The news had been shocking even to Athrun; he had met Tolle during summer break since they both had been invited to the twins' grandfather's villa. Unsurprisingly, both of the twins, let alone Miriallia, had been depressed.
On the first Sunday after school had begun, Cagalli had asked him to accompany her to a sports facility. There had been no club activities since it was before after-break exams, but she had wanted to do some exercise. He had quickly agreed, partly because he didn't need to cram before exams as much as most students did for he studied every day and partly because he was quite worried about her.
They had played tennis in an indoor court for a while, and had been resting, leaning against the wall near bending machines and drinking from their bottles, when Cagalli spoke.
"I never experienced the death of someone close to me before. My mom's mom died before Kira and I were born and our other grandparents are still okay. So I didn't know how...how it feels..." She had bitten her lower lip.
He had touched her arm, trying to console her. In response, she had rested her head on his shoulder. They had been silent for a minute. Then, she had suddenly straightened up and looked up at him.
"Are you all right?"
He had looked back at her, confused. "What do you mean?"
"Kira told me before your mom died in a car accident. This must be hard on you, too, even though you didn't know Tolle well." Her face had been more concerned than sad now. "If you need to talk to someone, I'm here. You know that, right?"
The sincerity in her voice and face had squeezed his heart and he had not been able to stop himself from stepping toward her and hugging her.
"A-Athrun?" She had seemed surprised, flapping her arms as if she didn't know how to react.
"I'm all right. ...Thank you," he had said in a low voice.
She was such a selfless person, thinking about someone else's pain even when she herself was hurting. The admiration and affection in him had been so strong that he could barely contain the feelings. But he had not been able to allow himself to reveal his feelings to her then, not just because of his plan but mostly because he was worried it might add to her distress, which he didn't want. Plus, confessing to her when she was in such a vulnerable state had felt like taking advantage of her.
Therefore, he had put all his strength into keeping the hug friendly and comforting, caressing her back.
"I'm here for you, too," he had told her, trying to make his voice as gentle as he could.
His attempt had seemed successful. She had calmed down and hugged him back. "I know. Thanks." Sniffling, she had snuggled against him.
His pulse had increased and it had taken every drop of his willpower not to squeeze her more tightly than a friendly hug allowed. He had been somewhat worried that his fast heartbeat might make her suspicious of his feelings, but she had not shown any signs. He had felt half relieved and half disappointed.
They had remained that way for a while until she stepped back and put on a smile, rubbing her eyes. "Ready for another game?"
Missing the feel of her body in his arms, he had smiled back. "If you are ready." Then they had returned to the court.
After that, he had strengthened his resolve to wait to ask her out, until she somewhat recovered from grief at the very least. It had not felt right to pursue her romantically when she clearly needed a friend she could trust and turn to. He had been willing to be one even if it meant hiding his feelings longer. Besides, it had been what he wanted in a way. He had wanted her to rely on him, not someone else, for support.
He had made no attempt to make her see his feelings for months and their relationship had remained just friendly, and peaceful, until when they got involved in an accident in the end of February.
Cagalli had slipped on the stairs of a pedestrian overpass and fallen to the ground. Trying to protect her, he had grabbed her body and ended up on the ground along with her. His attempt had been successful; she had had only minor injuries though he had gotten a cut on his head and a severe bruise on his back, and cracked his leg. He had been satisfied with the result, not caring about his injuries.
However, finding out that he had intentionally covered her body with his so that he would take most of the damage, she had become angry, insisting he shouldn't have done that. She had been so upset, crying and yelling at him, that Kira dragged her out of Athrun's hospital room and took her home.
Her reaction had disturbed Athrun, partly because he didn't think there was anything wrong with what he had done and mostly because she was the girl he loved and wanted to protect most. He had felt as if by disapproving of his attempt to protect her, she had rejected his love. His desire to protect her was that important a part of his love for her. He had even hesitated a little before saying he had wanted to protect her because he cared about her—well, he had actually simply agreed with Kira who had said it for him, but anyway—because it somewhat felt like confessing his love to her.
He had known it was illogical of him to take her rejection that way since she clearly didn't suspect the true nature of his feelings for her, the reason why he had wanted to protect her so much. Still, he had not been able to concede.
She had not changed her opinion, either, and they had not really talked for days, though it was obvious that she was concerned about his injuries and the troubles they caused him.
He had missed a day at school because of the injuries. During the lunchtime the next day, he had been leaving the cafeteria before his friends did in order to talk to some of his teachers about the lessons he had missed. He had stood up from the table, using his crutches, and slowly picked up his tray with plates and utensils. Balancing the tray and the crutches had not been easy, but he had managed it.
Suddenly, Kira had given a yelp, which drew Athrun's attention. The brunet had been rubbing his side, frowning at his sister sitting next to him. "What was that for?" It had seemed she had elbowed him.
With a frown of her own, Cagalli had moved her chin in Athrun's direction a couple of times, her eyes on Kira, clearly telling something to her brother without words.
Kira had looked between her and Athrun who had no idea why he was a part of it, then understanding had spread over the brunet's face. "Oh." Kira had turned to Athrun. "Do you have to leave now, Athrun?"
"Yeah. I need to talk to teachers," Athrun had replied, still confused.
"Wait a second, then." Kira had quickly finished his juice box before standing up. "I'm going with you."
Kira, who had been sitting at the opposite side of the table from Athrun, had come to Athrun's side, then took Athrun's tray to place it on his own.
Athrun had knitted his eyebrows. "Kira, you don't have to..."
He had appreciated his friend's intention to help, but had not felt comfortable being looked after like that. Nicol had actually offered to help before Athrun had stood up, but he had declined it.
Athrun had stretched a hand toward the trays, but Kira had moved them to avoid it.
"Just let me, okay? If you care about my well-being," Kira had said, and dramatically given another rub to his side, skillfully managing to hold two trays with plates and utensils with one hand, as he sent a meaningful look to his sister who made a show of looking away.
Athrun had looked between the twins several times, then heaved a sigh. "Fine. Thanks."
He had been quite aware of the twins' stubbornness and it had felt like a waste of time to argue with them over such a trivial matter, especially since he had some errands to take care of. It had also warmed and relieved him that despite avoiding talking to him, Cagalli was clearly trying to help him—well, make her brother help him, to be exact, but it was just a minor difference. Previously, he had been a little worried since they had never had such a fight. In fact, he wasn't really used to engaging in a fight with anyone.
Their fight had still continued for a couple more days. But then, he had talked about his injuries with his father and grandmother, which led him to realize how much distress his injuries had caused in people around him. He still had not thought he had been wrong in protecting Cagalli, but he had had to admit it didn't change the fact that he had made them worried. The realization had helped him see Cagalli's reaction from a new angle. Also, it had belatedly occurred to him that her friend's death no more than two months before might have affected how she had reacted to his injuries.
Taking those things into consideration, he had decided to approach her and apologize for causing her worry. He still had refused to make a promise that he wouldn't try to protect her again, but had promised to avoid getting himself injured in the process as much as he could. She had accepted that.
After the reconciliation, she had given him an amulet of a goddess, Haumea, explaining that it would protect him. She had then added warningly, "You have to try to protect yourself first, though, before turning to Haumea. Gods are supposed to help you only when you can't do it yourself. So, don't forget to take better care of yourself as you promised."
He opened his eyes, pulling himself out of his reminiscence, and slowly straightened up, then opened the second drawer of his desk to pull out the pendant. He gazed at the red stone he had been keeping safe since that day.
A/N: At first, "The Answer" was one seamless chapter. But since it was really long, I decided to cut it into two and upload both at the same time. Besides, I think having an interval makes it easier for readers to focus on Athrun's sentiments which will be explored in the next chapter.
Anyway, so, don't forget to read the next chapter!
And if you want to know the details about Athrun and Cagalli's fight which led to her giving him the amulet, you can read Chapter 3 of "Boy of Winter," which is from Cagalli's perspective. Athrun's exchange with his father and grandmother concerning the accident was explained in Chapter 11 of this fic ("Guilt").
*posted 05/05/19*
*edited 05/02/21*