Lachlan

Three months.

It's been three months since I've heard from Kali. She stopped coming to our group meetings. When Marley asked why, Paige just said Kali wasn't feeling well, but that she was still going to her one on one meetings so that we shouldn't worry. How did she think that was possible, exactly? How did she expect me to not think of Kali when all I've been wanting to do was to fix things between us?

I took a deep breath and looked around the painfully smaller circle. "You know, I haven't really been cutting since I got here, and I've been coming to terms with a lot of my past issues. I really do have you to thank for that," I said confidently from my seat. I received eight smiles in return, but it stung knowing that the person whose smile I wanted to see the most wasn't even in the room. The pit in my stomach never seemed to leave and no matter how hard I tried, the guilt from that dreadful night never seems to go away. As hard as I tried, I couldn't focus for the rest of the meeting.

I left group in a rush, eager to meet up with Brandon for a drink. We haven't hung out much since the Zee incident, but it's not to say that he wasn't trying. I wasn't sure if he was really aware of the falling out between Kali and I or if he knew how she was doing, but I was hoping he would at least be able to tell me if he had seen her recently, and if so, if she was looking healthy.

I entered the small, local bar located far enough from the university that it wasn't overly packed, but busy enough that we didn't look out of place being there. I saw Brandon drinking a beer on a stool near the end and took a seat beside him.

"Lachlan, my man," he said, grabbing my hand and giving it a firm shake. "Long time no see, buddy. How have you been?"

"Good, good. Busy with work, life, the boring in between bits. What's up with you?" I asked, motioning to the bartender to bring out two beers for us.

"Pretty good, man. Me and Veronica are actually planning an anniversary trip for the summer. A backpacking trip around the world type thing." He took a long swing of his beer before sliding it forward and grabbing the fresh one the bartender put in front of him. "What are some need to see spots down under?" he asked with a sly smile.

I chuckled as I grabbed my drink. "I'll send you a list."

"Awesome, man. So what's up man? Why haven't you been around?"

I hung my head a little, knowing there was a chance Brandon was probing me for information on Kali depending on her current state. I couldn't respond, so I just shrugged my shoulders and took a sip.

"C'mon man. Did something happen with you and Kali? She hasn't been the same lately." His voice sounded frail as he spoke with concern.

I sighed deeply, trying to give him as little detail as possible while still telling him what happened the best way I could. "Something happened a couple months back and I kind of blew up on her. I've been trying to apologize to her but she won't return my calls or texts. I've tried stopping by her apartment but either no one is home or all three of the girls are just amazing at being silent when it's convenient."

He raised his eyebrow at me, almost confused by what I was saying. "Hold up, you guys got in a fight? So it really wasn't because of the Zee thing?"

I felt the blood leave face and my throat go dry. "What Zee thing?"

He turned his attention away from me, breaking eye contact. "Veronica saw a picture of you and Zee on Kali's phone. She confronted Zee about and confessed to the whole set up. Kali didn't seem bothered by it when she talked to Veronica about it. We don't see her around as much anymore, though, so who can really tell."

"When was the last time you saw her?" I asked, hearing the pathetic tone of my voice.

"It's been a while man, and she wasn't looking good. When I saw Cari and Ana last weekend they said she was doing fine, but you know they're gonna protect her so who knows."

"Fuck," I said, dropping my head into my hands. "I have to see her."

"I'm rooting for you, bro. Reese is like a brother to me, but I always knew him and Kali wouldn't be forever. He always wanted to fix her and she's too stubborn to let someone come to her rescue. You guys seemed different together. There was just something really natural about your chemistry I think. I hadn't seen Kali that happy in a while." He took a long drink from his bottle before placing it on the counter and turning it to me. "Look, I don't really know what happened, but I know Kali, and she really cared for you. If you really care for her and want to fix things, I know where she's gonna be tomorrow night if you want to try and talk to her."

I felt my body stiffen at the thought of being able to talk to her in person after all this time. I had been waiting to be able to say everything I wanted to say to her, but I couldn't help but feel like she wouldn't want to see to. "I don't want to make her uncomfortable. Like, what if she doesn't want to see me?"

"Then you leave," Brandon said matter-of-factly. "I'll tell her I invited you, which is true, and we'll just go from there."

"Thanks, man. I don't think I can repay you for doing this for me."

Brandon smiled, sliding his now empty beer forward. "Of course you can. Drinks are on you tonight."

The speakeasy was smaller than I pictured it being, but just by looking at it, I could tell this is a place Kali would love. I quickly glanced at myself in the window, fixing my hair and straightening my shirt nervously. I wanted to make the best second impression possible. I really needed to.

I took a deep breath and pulled open the heavy door, soft music playing as conversation and quiet laughter filled the room. I looked around for familiar faces, my eyes finally finding Brandon and Veronica at a back booth with five other people. My heart sank as I began to walk closer to the table and didn't see the dark gray tresses I had been dreaming about. My pace got slower until I was stopped in my tracks.

That voice. The beautiful melody of that voice. My eyes focused on the back of a small woman with curly, dark hair landing just above her shoulder. Is that really my Kali? I took a step closer as Brandon's eyes finally met mine. He smiled widely, his eyes dancing from mine to Kali's it seemed.

I could see Veronica letting out a small sympathetic sigh as she smiled at me. "Hey," she said with a nod. "It's been awhile." Everyone turned to see who she was talking to and that's when her eyes finally fell on me. Kali.

Kali

Three months.

Three months since I found myself at one of the lowest points I had ever been. I couldn't bring myself to go to group and face all those people that saw me as an inspiration. I especially couldn't bring myself to see him just yet, not until I got better. I talked to my roommates and family and we all thought it would be best if I spent some time at a voluntary rehabilitation center for a while, and it helped a lot. I realized I was a lot stronger than I thought I was and was able to leave within a couple of weeks, meaning I didn't miss much school.

A lot has changed in these three months. I was offered a new assistantship that would cover all of my tuition and let me cut down on my hours and gave me a lot more flexibility with my schedule. It did suck to leave Campbell behind, but he supports the move, especially since I'll be working directly with students in a department I eventually want to work for. We still hang out every now and then, but he knows not to press too much on my personal life, so we keep it pretty work focused.

After what happened with Zee, I've tried to keep my distance from everyone, especially after Veronica told everyone what happened. The last thing I wanted to do was pit everyone against Zee, and as much as I was hurt, I didn't want anyone to think ill of Lachlan either.

Lachlan. Just thinking of his name sends this weird energy over me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. I do, a lot. I just don't know if we're ready to deal with each other at this point in our lives. I read over all the texts he's sent me more than I'd like to admit and his voicemails, they almost make me feel like he's right there with me when I wish he was. I just can't bring myself to talk to him just yet. I'm doing better, and from his videos, I can see he is too. Mitch texted me recently just to check up on me and give me an update on Lachlan which was nice, though I didn't respond to him either. I'm glad we're both doing well, and I'm glad we're both doing well on our own.

I think about him all the time and even after months without speaking, my feelings have remained just as strong as they were the night I gave myself to him. I know now he didn't mean what he said, I knew it was just as special to him as it was to me, and unfortunately he let his anger and jealousy get in the way of that. Even if he doesn't know it, I forgive him. Maybe one day I'll be ready to let him know that.

"It's been way too long!" Ash exclaimed, wrapping me in a bear hug as I walked to the back table with Analys, Carina, and Campbell. "I am loving this cut by the way. I'm getting strong sexy teacher vibes."

I groaned as I pulled out a chair and sat across from Brandon and Veronica. "Shut the fuck up," I said with a smile. "I've missed you too, Ash."

"You're looking really good KD. You have like this energy about you. I'm digging it," Veronica said, grabbing Brandon's drink from his hand and taking a quick sip. Her face scrunched together, clearly not pleased with what I'm guessing was a really strong drink. "Jesus how do you drink that crap?"

"No one said for you to take it," he said with a shrug. He grabbed the drink back and finished it with a big gulp. "Since you all just got here, next round is on me. What'll it be?"

"I'm actually good. I don't really think I should be drinking tonight. I have an early morning tomorrow," I said, still unsure if I was ready to be out with everyone again.

Brandon looked at me with sympathetic eyes. He doesn't know the details of what's been going on, but he has always had a knack at knowing how I was feeling. He gave me a slight nod and sighed. "I think you'll be needing a little something tonight, so I'll grab you your favorite in case you change your mind."

I looked at him skeptically, wondering if he knew something I didn't, but pushed the thought to the side.

Everyone fell into our old rhythm even though it had been a while since we all got together. Campbell had only met everyone a few times, but he fit in naturally which was hard for my tight knit friends group. The only other person I know that successfully got in was -

"Hey," Veronica's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. "It's been a while." She looked like she was talking to someone behind me. I turned and my eyes wear met with the clearest blue eyes I had seen and my chest instantly began to hurt.

I felt my breath catch in my throat as I turned back toward to table and grabbed my drink, taking a massive drink. I think I've been set up.

"Hey, guys. Do you mind if I sit here?" Lachlan asked slowly, his eyes quickly drifting across the table but always returning to mine. I couldn't tear my eyes away. The emotions I thought I had in check over the last three months immediately flooded over me and I could feel my body going warm. I couldn't speak and could only manage an almost nonexistent nod. Luckily, Carina felt that I was ok with it and eventually spoke up for me. He slid in next to Brandon and stayed quiet for a while as the table got back into comfortable conversation.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom really quick. I'll be right back, Kal," Campbell loudly whispered to me. I nodded and watched him walk away. I didn't think anyone had noticed until I looked across the table and saw the remains of a scowl on Lachlan's face. Was he getting jealous already? I could feel my face heating up with anger at the thought of it. I thought he was getting better? He literally just got here and he may already be causing a problem.

I refused to let that happen. "Lachlan," I said quietly. The table fell silent and all eyes shifted to us. I tried to ignore my not so subtle friends and kept my focus on him. "I think we should go outside." The grimace on his face fell and his skin flushed with an emotion I couldn't quite read. Was it hope? Was it fear? Regret? After a moment he nodded eagerly and got up from the booth and stepped beside me, helping me pull out my chair, although I really wish he hadn't.

We left the table in an uncomfortable silence and exited onto the busy downtown sidewalk. He stood with his hands in his pockets, clearly looking for the right words to say, but I just couldn't wait for that to happen. "Why were you making that face at the table?" I blurted out, my arms crossed against my chest as I leaned against the brick wall.

He looked at me with confusion until he realized what I had asked. "I just, well, he called you Kal." His face fell. "I'm working on my jealousy, I promise. I just wasn't expecting someone to call you that." We stood in silence for a moment before he sighed and looked at me again. "Who is that guy anyway? Is he your, I mean are you…" His voice drifted off and he looked down at the ground, unable to ask his question, though I knew exactly what it was.

"He's a friend, Lachlan. Just a friend. We used to work together last semester but I haven't seen him since I started my new job."

"New job? I thought you wanted to work at the school?"

"I still don't but don't change the subject. Why would you automatically think that I was dating someone else?"

He walked closer to me, no more than a foot of space between us. "Can you blame me? I haven't heard from you in months, Kal. I was worried sick about you. I didn't know if something was really wrong or if you were just ignoring me, so can you really blaming me for thinking that?" I could see the pain in his eyes, tears threatening at the duct to come out, though he didn't allow it.

I shifted to the side, creating a little bit more distance against us. "Look, I know I went MIA for a bit, but we both needed it. You blew up on me, Lachlan, and I didn't do anything wrong."

"I know that and I'm so sorry about that. I thought I was getting better but I guess everything with the holidays really brought out the worst in me. I'm doing so much better now. I can ask Paige for a report of my progress if you really don't believe me."

I sighed, smiling slightly at how adorably erratic he had just sounded. "Stop it, Power. I could tell by your messages and voicemails that you were doing better. You look better, too." I placed my hands in my pockets, trying to look as casual as possible in the hopes that he couldn't tell how hard I was falling for him at the moment.

"You read and listened to my messages?" I could see a glimmer of hope flash through his eyes as I nodded. "I am so sorry for everything, Kali. Everything I put you through, any negative effects I could have caused, and for making you think that you weren't one of the most important and special people in my life. I am so fuckin sorry and I am willing to do whatever I need to prove to you that I really have changed and that I'm not that person you saw on New Year's."

"I already forgave you, I did a while ago."

He smiled at me, taking a step closer. "Really?"

I returned his smile, closing the gap even further. "Really." I felt his arms wrap around me, embracing me in a hug filled with so much unspoken emotion. I could feel him slowly start to let go of the regret he had from that day, and it felt good to finally let him know how I was feeling. "But Lachlan," I said, feeling him lessen his grip at the more serious tone in my voice. "I'm not ready to just pick off where we left off."

He looked confused, almost hurt. "What do you mean? I thought you weren't with that guy?"

"I'm not. And understand that I do still have feelings for you. A lot of them. But we're still adjusting to our new normal. We're both doing better on our own, but how would trying to be together effect that?"

"It would make it better, obviously. I've missed you so much. You didn't miss me?" I took a step back, once again creating distance between us.

"Of course I did, you idiot," I said, giving him a playful shove in the hopes to lighten the mood. "It's just last time we made each other worse, and what if that happens again?"

"It won't. This time is different."

"How do you know that?"

"I don't, but I just feel it, ok? It just feels really different. I know I'm actually doing better and you're doing better, too, right?"

I let out an exasperated sigh, realizing it may be harder for him to see my point of view. "Yes, I'm doing great actually. Like really great. I told Paige I was going back to group next week." I saw him smile, which makes me realize how weird it might have been without me there for him. I was his mentor before everything else, after all. "Look, I still have really strong feelings for you, but I don't know if I can take being hurt like I did last time again. I just, I know think we should, and I know it's super cliche, but I just think we should be friends for a while before we try and become anything else. It's probably not smart to just jump into it again."

I grabbed his arm, waiting for him to respond. After a moment, I looked me in the eyes and pulled me into a tight hug. I felt him pressed his lips to my forehead and I couldn't help but shudder. "Kali, I want to be with you more than anything else, and if that means I need to be with you as a friend until we are sure we're both ok, then I'm fine with that. I just want to be with you in someway. I've missed you for far too long."

I felt tears stinging at the back of my eyes. I closed them tight and dug my head into his chest. "Well, you've got me now, Power. I'm not going anywhere."