Lachlan

Things have been….different. Not better. Not worse. Just different. I mean on our own we keep getting better personally, but relationship wise it's just...different. Kali and I have been speaking again for a few weeks and she set some pretty strict guidelines in terms of our friendship. No kissing. No cuddling. No spending the night. No late-night FaceTime calls. No dates, although she has been helping me as a camerawomen every now and then since my channel started to blow up more and she had more free time because of her new work schedule.

We weren't necessarily starting over; we were just focusing more on being good friends to each other instead of constantly thinking about what it could lead to. Well, I still thought about the relationship part a lot, but I did know that's not what we need, and specifically she needs right now. She needs a friend, and I'd choose being her friend over not being her boyfriend any day.

It's been hard, I can't lie. There are times where she'd come over to just hang out and I'd start putting my arm around her or reach for her hand and I have to catch myself and retreat, but I don't think she notices which is a relief. I'm really not trying to push any boundaries, but old habits die hard, I guess.

Although I know we're not going to date anytime soon, I'm also actively not trying to date anyone else either. I've come to terms with the fact that Kali is the right person for me, and I've never really believed in destiny or fate, but I do believe that we belong together once we both become the best versions of ourselves. Subconsciously, I think she knows too.

She's been speaking to Reese, which still bothers me a little even though I know it shouldn't. I've been talking to Paige about it a lot and it's been helping me really figure out the root of the issue, which, surprise surprise, is because of my perfect family and my inferiority complex. It also helps that Kali will mention every now and then that she really doesn't have feelings for him anymore, which is relieving since she's never mentioned not having feelings for me. That's a glimmer of...hope? That Campbell guy isn't so bad either. Him and Kali have been tutoring me so that I can take entrance exams and start school in the fall without having to take remedial classes.

I have learned a lot more of her quirks. She really likes musicals. She hates sauces. She's into anime but doesn't care for ramen or sushi. She's different but I like her version of different. Today, for example, was good different. We were sitting on my couch watching an older anime she liked, Soul Eater. It felt like we fell back into our old routine a bit and that made me just a little happier than usual. In between episodes, she got up to bring out the freshly baked cookies we made and put them on the coffee table in front of me.

"Press play," she said playfully with what looked like a flirty smile, but I could be wrong. She was standing in front of the television with a goofy grin, making me smile as I pressed play. Before I knew what was happening, she broke out into this spastic little dance with her arms flailing and legs kicking to the rhythm of the opening song. I couldn't stop myself from laughing hysterically as Kali's face lit up from my reaction. I joined her from my seat, mimicking her arm movements as the song came to a close. She laughed as she grabbed a cookie and plopped down next to me, slivers of our bare legs touching.

It sent a shiver up my spine. We hadn't sat so close in a while, but she initiated it so I'm not complaining. A few minutes into the show, I felt her rest her head on my shoulder, something else that hadn't happened in a while. I decided to follow suit, sliding my arm from my lap to around her waist. She moved in closer to me and minutes later, I felt her twitch slightly as she fell into a light sleep.

I checked my watch and saw it was only around 5 PM, finding it strange she was tired since Kali wasn't much of a napper. Something must be going on which would also explain the really weird behavior today. I pulled out a blanket from the side basket and draped it over her and then put on a random Netflix movie. Before I knew it, my eyes started feeling heavy and I felt myself pulling her closer as I slipped into sleep.

"Lachlan," Kali whispered as she lightly shook me awake.

"Ten more minutes," I said as I pulled her in closer.

I felt slight resistance as she stood up from the couch. I opened my eyes while I watched her stretch. "Lachlan, it's eight o'clock. You were supposed to edit and post your video."

I groaned. I kicked my legs up onto the couch and got more comfortable. "I'm a couple of videos ahead and have one scheduled to post already. Thank you for your concern but come back and sit with me."

She chuckled and shook her head. "No cuddling, remember?"

I cocked my eyebrow and gave her a flirty smile. "How could I forget. The last three hours must have been a dream."

"Fuck off," she said as she sat directly on my knees. I recoiled and pulled them towards me creating a divider between us. She propped her arms on my knees and rested her head. "I haven't been sleeping well. Ana and Cari are gone for the rest of the week and it's been a while since I've been in the apartment alone." Her voice trailed off and he eyes shifted towards the television, avoiding my gaze.

"Everything okay, Kal? Can I help?"

She shook her head. "I'll be okay. It's getting late so I should be heading out anyway," but she didn't make any movement. She was looking at me now, a slight sadness in her eyes.

"Hey," I said softly, slowly bringing my hand to her hairline, my thumb making small circles at her temples. "No pressure at all, but if you don't want to be alone, I do have an empty guest room with your name on it."

She smiled and shook her head. "No, I don't want to inconvenience you."

I rolled my eyes dramatically. "You're not. Besides, you were going to come over tomorrow for tutoring so if anything, I'm just saving you a drive."

"Yea, okay. You're right. Can I just borrow something to sleep in then? I feel like I need a shower."

"Yea, grab whatever you want from my closet. I'll order dinner. Chinese sound good?"

"Chinese always sounds good."

It was the middle of the night when I heard my door open and close quietly. I felt my sheets lift and my bed dip slightly as I felt a small body nuzzle up behind me. Her arms slid around my waist and I felt her light breathing at the nape of my neck. I smiled to myself as I intertwined my fingers with hers, bringing our bodies closer together. I tried not to overthink this moment. Maybe she just felt lonely and needed a friend. Maybe she had a nightmare and wanted comfort. Regardless, it was the best sleep I've gotten in months.

Kali

This is really fucking hard. I thought this friendship first thing would help subdue my feelings for Lachlan but it's only made them so much stronger. He took my guidelines with no complaints and follows them to a tee. It's exhausting. Sometimes I wish he'd just hold me tight while we lay on his couch and watch a movie, but I know he won't. And I really am glad he won't. But that doesn't mean I can't be annoyed that he won't, too.

It's just really confusing. Him being so understanding is making me want him more. Last night I had a really...interesting dream and then he decided to wear these really telling pair of gray sweatpants to go filming today it made it harder to focus.

I know I'm not ready for a relationship, but also my feelings have only been getting stronger as I get to know him more as a person. He's shown me more of himself since we've stopped trying to low key impress each other. Some interesting things I've learned about him in the past month: 1) he really likes trees and has an obnoxious amount of knowledge about them; 2) he likes to rap along loudly with songs but will only do it when he thinks people can't hear him; 3) he says he doesn't like musicals but will get invested after the second number; and 4) he is absolutely oblivious to picking up signs when someone is flirting with him. Sometimes when we go filming, girls will come up to him and do everything short of physically throwing themselves at him and he doesn't pick up on any of it. There are even girls that you can clearly tell he'd be interested in and he doesn't seem to notice what they're doing. It's weird.

But what's even weirder is he doesn't pick up when I'm flirting, though I get this is on me since I said I wasn't ready for a relationship. But I also feel like it's weird to bring up the guidelines if I'm not even sure he's interested. I mean, guidelines for friendship are meant to be revisited over time, right?

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping at night recently. The past week, I keep having dreams with him in them. Sometimes they start off super innocently, just us recording or studying, and then it escalates into something a lot more...romantic. Other times, it'll start off super sweet, like us on a date or just cuddled up on the couch, and it ends with us getting into a full-blown fight like before. Both leave me extremely confused when I wake up. It doesn't help that tonight Cari and Ana are leaving for the week, so I'll be home alone trying to deal with all this Lachlan shit and the fear of something going terribly wrong. I've been able to manage everything really well these past few months, but it's not like I can predict when something is going to switch up inside or when my mind drifts off to a darker place. I'm hoping I can keep my mind busy enough today at Lachlan's and that whatever good energy is there will carry over to when I get home and soothe me to sleep.

I pulled up to his apartment around 2 PM, a little tired from the few hours of sleep the night before. I knocked on his door, cookie ingredients in arm with a large green tea in the other. Lachlan came to the door quickly, swinging it open with a big goofy grin spread across his face. He pulled the bag from my arm and gave me a quick hug as I walked in. He smelled amazing and looked even better. It looked like he just got out of the shower, his hair messy and still a little wet, a tight black t shirt, and, once again, these lazy gray sweats resting low on his hips, showing off my favorite boxer briefs.

"Looking cozy, Kal." Lachlan said, putting the baking supplies down on the kitchen counter.

It was an unbearably hot May day, which did provide a great opportunity to wear something a little flirtier than my usual leggings and sweatshirts. I decided to put on my favorite black biker shorts that highlight my curves perfectly with a loose, cropped light yellow sweatshirt that showed just enough midriff. "It's disgusting outside but it's always cold in here. Happy medium." I followed him into the kitchen and put the cold ingredients in the refrigerator.

"You know, if I ever do real clothing in the future, I'm going to take a mental rewind because this would be a good sample idea and you'd make a great model for it," he said as he looked at the cropped sweater closer with an intense look of concentration.

"Oh go away," I said, waving him away and laying out on his couch. He followed close behind me and sat on the reclining chair far away from me. I felt a pout cross my face and quickly tried to hide it before he could see it. "What's on the agenda for today?"

He tossed the remote to me after turning on Netflix before looking at his phone. "I have to edit later, but other than that, the day belongs to us, my lady."

I opened the search bar and typed in Soul Eater and queued the series whilst sitting up straighter and tapping the seat beside me. "Well I think this is the perfect time to introduce you to the first anime I watched that wasn't posted all over Cartoon Network. Get cozy and I'll start making the cookies after like the first or second or third episode."

"You never let me help," Lachlan whined. He pushed himself up from the couch and joined me in the kitchen as I started pulling all the ingredients out onto the counter.

"Well yea because last time I trusted you in the kitchen, you made a grilled cheese with burnt bread and cold cheese."

"Are you gonna hold that against me forever? Come on. Let this be my food redemption."

I backed away, lifting my hands in submission. "Fine, go and open the flour, I just need two-" and before I could finish my sentence, there was a flour cloud surrounding us. "Jesus. Christ."

Lachlan nodded profusely and put what was left of the flour in the sink. "Right, ok. I'm going to clean this up and just wait on the couch. That never happened and I will hold this L. Can I put your clothes in the washer?" Everything he said ran together into one long sound and I could tell he was flustered.

"Are you asking me to strip in your kitchen?" I asked laughing, playfully holding the hem of my shirt.

His face went bright red as he shook his head like a child. "I'm going to change and leave you some clothes in the bathroom." I laughed as he darted out of the kitchen and into his room. Maybe he is still is more interested in me than I thought.

I've been laying in this bed for three hours and haven't been able to sleep. Lachlan went to his room around midnight, so I figured it was a sign to head to sleep. After my shower, I couldn't focus on anything else besides him. I tried meditating. I tried reading. I tried writing. Nothing was pulling my brain away from him.

I wonder if he's still awake too, dealing with the same internal struggle I was. I wonder if he wanted to snuggle up against me as much as my body ached to snuggle up against his. Maybe I should just go in there and test the waters. It's not like I was falling asleep anytime soon. Plus, if he isn't interested, I'd respect that of course.

Before I fully knew what my body was doing, my legs were carrying me outside of the room I was in and towards his bedroom. I considered knocking, but my hand thought for itself and opened the door a crack before a could stop it. I walked in and saw that he was definitely sound asleep. I should have turned around and walked out, but now that I was this close, I couldn't even try and convince myself that this was a bad idea. I closed the door and tried to quietly make my way to his bed. I lifted the sheets and laid close behind him, wrapping my arm around his waist. To my surprise, he grabbed my hand and pushed his body in closer to mine. I nuzzled my face into his back, knowing that after this, we couldn't go back to pretending to just being friends. I would deal with that in the morning, but for now, all I wanted to do was enjoy the best sleep I would have in months.