English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
Season of Farewell
Chapter 20: The End and the Beginning
"Athrun," she moaned. "I...can't..."
He knew Cagalli was near her limit, almost toppling over the edge. He could feel it by her whole body tightly clinging to him. But he didn't want to reach the end just yet. He wanted to still bask in this feeling of being one with her.
"Just...a little more," he pleaded.
With a shuddering breath, she dug her nails into his back and bit her lower lip, trying to hold back. His love for her flared up, which affected his performance. Soon, she screamed into his mouth, reaching the climax, taking him with her.
After the blinding bliss passed, he remained still for a long moment, his breath rugged, until her hold of him loosened. Despite the fact that every part of him—not just his body—was demanding him to stay, he pulled back, gently peeling her body off his.
Her eyes fluttered open and the amber gaze followed him wistfully. His face softening, he quickly cleaned up to return to her side as soon as possible.
As she plastered herself against him with a contented sigh, he held her firmly. She loved cuddling afterward and he loved that she loved it.
Since their reconciliation, sex with her had been even better than before, amazingly good. He felt they could connect more deeply now. And it seemed to be getting even better every time, though it was still not really enough. Then again, it would probably never be enough. He didn't think he would ever feel that it was enough and that he would need it no more.
At the same time, the yearning wasn't as desperate as before. Probably because now, he was much more certain about her love for him; or because his love for her was stronger and firmer. There was something so sure in him—about her, about them, and about himself—which reassured and soothed him enough for his desires not to spiral out of his control.
Caressing her slick skin, he buried his nose into her damp hair. "I'll miss this."
He breathed in her scent, trying to commit it to memory as vividly as possible. The feel of her body in his arms as well. Both of them had been accepted by their first choices of college, and so, they were going to start living far away soon. Although he could hear her voice and see her face via phone and video chat, he wouldn't be able to touch her or smell her for a while.
She slapped his arm lazily. "You'll miss only sleeping with me?"
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah..." With a sigh, she snuggled deeper into his chest to nuzzle her nose against his body. "I'll miss you, too."
Silently, he squeezed her. She squeezed him back.
Even now, a part of him doubted whether he could really fight through this. His jealousy toward Ahmed had diminished after the brunet's reassurance that he didn't have romantic feelings for Cagalli anymore. Plus, Athrun couldn't seriously doubt Cagalli's love and willingness to maintain their romantic relationship after everything they had gone through, after she had still chosen to be with him despite everything.
Not to mention the reason why his jealousy toward other men around her had become so strong was that they reminded him of the possibility that she might leave him because he couldn't control her. But now, he accepted her as a person who had her own will and wishes, who had—and should have—the freedom to do what she wanted to without being restrained. He had made peace with the real problems that were his desire to control her and the frustration over the fact that he couldn't. Therefore, he didn't have much difficulty dealing with his jealousy anymore.
With the jealousy properly kept in check, however, there was still the difficulty of long-distance relationship. It had not changed at all. The difficulties of being with someone who didn't fit his ideal and having a kind of relationship not many couples seemed to have or succeed in keeping hadn't, either.
Staying together with Cagalli would be a hard fight, and he couldn't say he had absolute confidence that he was strong enough to win it.
It was tough to admit that he might be too weak to achieve his goal, to have what he greatly desired, but he had to be truthful. He couldn't fight well, let alone put up his best fight, without properly acknowledging and dealing with his weaknesses. He had been taught so in his karate lessons and learned the trueness of the teaching during his attempt to become a better fighter.
And even if he wasn't sure about his own strength, Cagalli was worth the fight. What they had was worth the fight. They were worth all the efforts he had made and was going to make in the fight. That, he believed with all his heart.
He preferred to avoid risks, which might be another reason why he had wanted to put her under his control so much. He had wanted a reassurance that she would never break up with him. He had wanted to live without worrying about the risk that she might someday, the risk that existed because she was free. And so, he had tried to eliminate the risk, putting her on a chain so that she could never leave him even if she wanted.
However, even if it was a fact that long-distance relationships had a low likelihood of being successful—had a high risk of failure—it didn't really matter. Because none of those couples who had a long-distance relationship and broke up, or had one and had a lifetime together, was Athrun and Cagalli. Every couple was different; something that didn't work for other couples might work for Athrun and Cagalli, and vice versa. The same thing could be said about being with someone who didn't fit your ideal.
He still didn't like taking risks. He just knew now that some risks were worth taking. Some battles were worth fighting even if you couldn't be sure of winning.
He couldn't give up Cagalli just because their relationship had a high risk. Choosing a path with a higher likelihood of success might be a wise way to live, but he couldn't live like that. He wasn't the type to give up so easily. Especially when it came to her. He was certain that she was too important to him to give up without a fight. That he would always regret it if he gave her up just because he was afraid of risks. He wasn't the type to be able to accept giving up what was so important so easily.
And the fact that she felt the same about him helped him maintain the determination to fight. He wasn't fighting this battle alone. She was in it with him.
Moreover, as impossible as it seemed since his love for her was almost unbelievably huge and intense, her love for him might be even bigger and stronger, or deeper.
She had admitted to knowing Meyrin's feelings for him when he had confided in her about the redhead's confession, not feeling comfortable tutoring a girl who had had, or still had, romantic feelings for him without letting his girlfriend know about the situation. But he had turned out to be the one who got surprised.
Cagalli had been calm about the news of Meyrin's—accidental—confession, and even revealed that it was actually she who had come up with the idea of his becoming the redhead's tutor; she had added that therefore, she had no problem with his tutoring the younger girl.
It must have been painful for Cagalli to give the idea, the chance to spend more time with him, to Meyrin, a love rival. He didn't think he could have done the same for her if he were in her position. Yet, Cagalli had done it, because she loved him that much. Knowing it made him more grateful, and happier.
Almost impulsively, he opened his mouth again. "I...have something to confess."
"Hmm?" Cagalli sounded sleepy.
His heart, which had somewhat calmed down, started to accelerate again, anxiously this time. But the urge that had just occupied him wasn't leaving.
So, he said in a low voice, tightening his hold of her, "There was one time I thought about...knocking you up so that you couldn't leave me." His voice shook a little at the end of the sentence.
He had not meant to tell her this. He was still afraid of her reaction. Yet, the desire to be forgiven, to be accepted, by her had grown too much to contain. Not to mention he had learned due to their recent fight that keeping secrets from her, at least when they concerned both of them, hardly benefited their relationship. Honesty might actually be the best policy. Their exchange concerning Meyrin's confession he had just recalled strengthened the notion.
Maybe he was feeling a little more open now because his worry about their sex had been proven wrong. Since they had reconciled about a month ago, they had slept together several times. The first time, he had been quite nervous. He had been certain that he would never actually try to get her pregnant, but still somewhat worried that he might be reminded of the disgust toward himself during sex.
However, he had soon found himself absorbed in the act, in the feelings she gave him, in the bliss of being able to intimately touch her again. He had thought about nothing but her, how beautiful and sexy she was and how much he wanted her. Although he had still taken extra care when handling a condom, he had not felt disgust or fear. They had quietly stayed in the back of his mind along with his past mistakes.
It had been the same every time after that including today. The hideous thought had never crossed his mind again, except as a memory.
And he wanted to put a closure to the matter, laying everything before her. He was prepared for some punches and kicks and name-calling. He just hoped she would be in the mood to at least talk to him by the time she left for Tassil the day after tomorrow. He didn't want to part with her on such a negative note, being ignored by her.
Come to think of it, maybe he should have confessed several days earlier then. But if he had done so, he wouldn't have been enjoying those days. Maybe, hopefully, this way was best after all. Even if she didn't forgive him before she moved away, her anger would be likely to subside as they spent days apart, without much interaction; the anger would be overshadowed by longing for him and the busyness of getting used to her new life.
As he was convincing himself, she was silent, not responding, and he began wondering whether she had fallen asleep without hearing him. But then, she shifted to look at his face. He held his breath, waiting for the verdict.
"Was it after your birthday party?"
He blinked several times before managing an answer. "Yes."
She exhaled. "Is it the real reason why you were upset?"
"Yeah..."
She slapped his head, though lightly. "You had me quite worried, you know."
"Um, sorry," he said with some uncertainty. He was willing to apologize thousands of times until she said it was enough. But this wasn't what he had expected to apologize for. None of her reactions was what he had expected.
Regardless, he should say what he had to say without getting distracted by her weirdness.
He collected himself and continued, "And I'm really sorry for thinking about doing such a disgusting thing." He closed his mouth, then hurriedly opened it again. "But it was just a thought. I always used a condom. Properly. And I promise I'll keep doing it. So you don't need to worry." He didn't want her to be afraid of having sex with him, of him.
She looked at him as if he had said a completely stupid thing. "Of course. You'd never actually do such a thing," she said matter-of-factly. "You are too...well, stiff. So much so you've been beating yourself up for just thinking, haven't you?"
He stared at her face which showed no rage or disgust. "Aren't you angry?"
She shrugged. "I'd be mad if you'd actually tried it. But you didn't. Then I have no reason to." Then her face turned into a small frown. "Wait. I take it back. I'm a bit angry you didn't tell me anything about it until now. Did you at least talk to someone about it?"
"Well..." He averted his eyes.
She gave another slap to his head. "Now, I'm angrier. I told you not to keep everything to yourself, didn't I?"
"Yeah. Yes. Ah, sorry," he said distractedly, then swallowed before making another question hesitantly and anxiously, "You don't feel like...you don't want to be touched by me, either? Or feel afraid?"
With no sign of trying to move away from him, she quirked an eyebrow. "Why would I?"
The unshaken trust in her eyes was almost too much. Speechless, he held her as tightly as he could without hurting her. He would never, ever throw away this, betray her trust, he vowed again as his sight started to blur.
With a little sigh, she patted his back. "Haven't I told you you're too hard on yourself? You really need to learn to take it easy, understood? You are making me worried about leaving you here." Her chiding sounded like the most beautiful and loving melody in the universe.
"I'll try," he said in a hoarse voice, trying to hide his tears. He doubted it was successful, but she didn't comment on it.
Instead, she pressed, caressing his head with one hand in addition to still giving pats to his back with the other, "I'm serious. Promise me you'll take better care of yourself. Like talk to someone when you are distressed." A thoughtful pause. "Even when you don't think it's important enough to trouble others. Or when you worry about our reactions. Bottling up everything inside you just hurts you. You need to let it out, and I'll listen. I'm sure our friends will, too. Just...trust us. More. Okay?"
"Okay," he said, then added, "I promise."
And he meant it. It wasn't like he wanted to worry her. Although he appreciated her concern for him, he wanted to be a strong person she could rely on, not a weak person she had to worry about all the time.
He might have been somewhat childish, neglecting to look after himself and being dependent on others to do it for him without realizing it. But that wasn't how he wanted to be, how he wanted to continue to be. He wanted to change, and trying to open up more, not just to her but also to others, might be the start.
After all, if her being herself and how she actually was were more important than how most girls were or how girls should be, the same thing could be said about him, right? And being himself ought to include revealing his true self, his true feelings, to others. Maybe, maybe he didn't have to be so reluctant about—and afraid of—showing his weakness to others, like crying in front of someone, which was "not manly." He was even feeling that trying to be just himself rather than his idea of ideal man, how he had been taught a man should be, might actually help him become stronger.
Some people, like his father, would disagree and disapprove of his new thinking and attempt. But other people, like Cagalli, wouldn't. They would simply accept him as he was including his weaknesses without judging him, as she had always done since the time they had just met, which made him feel safe, led him to accept himself, and gave him the power to try to change.
She made him strong as much as she made him happy. He wanted to be someone like that to her as well, and he probably couldn't do that if he kept pretending to be, or trying to become, someone he wasn't. Accepting others seemed to have a lot to do with accepting oneself. Or at least it seemed that way in her case. She had always been so accepting of herself, not afraid to reveal her true self to others, and accepting of other people.
No matter how much he hated having it, the ugly desire to keep her by his side even if it meant violating her trust and making her pregnant without her consent was still a part of him. And she accepted even that. She loved him just as he was, not an idealized version of him. Whether consciously or unconsciously—he suspected it was the latter—she had been showing him that, regardless of whether he noticed it.
Realizing how she loved him again was overwhelming him. He had never felt a bliss this perfect or a gratitude this deep. He didn't know how to tell her the feelings. He doubted any words ever could. Maybe the only way he could let her know at least a part of his feelings for her was through his actions, through his efforts to make her happy and protect their happiness.
The thought brought an idea to his mind and, after a few moments of hesitation, he slowly pulled away to reveal his face to her, including his teary eyes. It took a lot of willpower for him not to wipe his eyes and pretend he had never cried. Except for right after his mother had drawn her last breath, this was the first time he showed his tears to someone in maybe thirteen years.
But he had promised and decided to try to open up more, hadn't he?
Cagalli simply looked at him, then her hand came to wipe his tears away and stroke his head. There was nothing in her eyes but love and compassion and a little worry.
She was acting and appearing as if nothing huge was going on, as if his being in tears was no big deal, and he knew she wasn't pretending. She surely didn't want him to cry, but it wasn't because men shouldn't cry and she wanted him to act the way a man should. She just didn't want him to be sad enough to shed tears because she loved him; she wanted him to be happy instead of crying.
And when he cried, she just gave him comfort and support. He was sure it wouldn't change no matter how pathetic and childish he became. He had known that was how she was, but maybe, he had not truly understood what it meant. Probably, he had never completely trusted her, or anyone, to accept himself wholly.
But now he did. Cagalli had again proved to him that it was all right just to be himself, maybe even without trying. It seemed like such an attitude was just so natural to her that she didn't think much about it while doing it, let alone making an effort to do it. It was just a part of the kind of person she was.
Without words, he pulled her back toward him, but with great care this time as if she was made of porcelain. He knew she was strong, not fragile. But she was so precious that he wanted to treat her with all the gentleness he could manage as much as he wanted to hug her with all his might to show the intensity of his love for her. He just wanted to show her everything he was, every part of him.
And he didn't need fate or the universe or whatever to certify his feelings for her. Even if he and she weren't meant to be together, he would still want to be with her and choose her. Even if it meant fighting against his destiny, he would try his hardest to acquire a future with her.
Being with a girl who fit his idea of ideal girlfriend would be easier. With her, he might not have to face ugly sides of him, because the relationship was most likely to be superficial, nothing that shook him and moved him, and so, would enable him to maintain his facade, the mask that covered his true self even from his own eyes. He might be able to spend his entire life in the delusion, which was probably satisfying and soothing to an extent. And it might be a sort of happiness; some people might truly prefer it to another kind.
But then, he couldn't feel this happiness of being able to reveal every side of him to someone and being accepted entirely, by someone he loved no less. The kind of happiness he preferred much, no matter what other people said or chose.
He wouldn't know that being accepted and cherished just as he was actually made him more willing to change, to become a better person. The acceptance gave him the courage to confront himself because he knew that he wouldn't be loved and cherished any less even if he failed, and that he would receive comfort and support which helped him stand up again after his failure. Therefore, he could try no matter how hard and painful it seemed. Not to mention he would be doing it because he wanted to, not because he had to.
Cagalli had taught him these things.
He tipped her chin up to kiss her softly, and sincerely said, "Thank you."
He had thought no words were enough just a moment ago. But he still wanted to say something, tell her even a fraction of his feelings, of how grateful he was to her for everything she had done and for being here with him now.
She slightly tilted her head as if she wasn't sure why he was thanking her, but shrugged and kissed him back with a smile. "Anytime."
Gazing at her smile, he felt even more certain that he would never ruin their happiness by his selfishness. The selfish desires were still inside him, but knowing it helped him fight against it. After all, you couldn't fight what you didn't know was there. Knowing your enemy was the first step of a battle; closely examining the enemy so that you could understand them better and figure out how to win against them was another important part.
And his love for her was much stronger than those desires, making it possible for him to keep a tight rein over them so that they wouldn't hurt her or ruin their relationship.
It didn't mean it was effortless, though. But he made the effort in order to have what he wanted. It was the same with his attempt to open up. He was doing it because it was necessary for him to acquire what he wished for.
In a way, they were attempts to become different from his father, though his reason had changed from before.
He still felt the hatred toward his father he had realized at Lacus's concert. It had subsided since he had confided in Cagalli about it and his guilt concerning his mother after their reconciliation and she had comforted him. She had said that she was sure his mother would forgive him if his mother were there, which made him hopeful that she really would just like Cagalli had.
Cagalli had also assured him that it was all right for him to be angry toward his father if he thought his father's attitude wasn't right. Strangely, being told that had actually eased his bitterness. He figured that there had still been a part of him feeling guilty about harboring anger toward his father, a part clinging to the image of father he had created in his head, who was rather perfect and couldn't be wrong: an ideal father whose example he was supposed to follow.
As much as he had hated to be similar to his father, he had not been able to discard so easily the attempt to emulate his father, which he had been doing, both consciously and unconsciously, for so long. It was probably one of the factors that had complicated his feelings, prevented him from finding his answer concerning his relationship with Cagalli.
But now, with her support, he was more accepting of his anger toward his father, of the fact that his father was, after all, just a human who had flaws and made mistakes. And just because his father had done some wrongdoings, it didn't mean his father was a bad person, as Cagalli had pointed out.
And Athrun still loved his father despite his father's flaws and faults. He had realized that as his anger calmed down. The bitterness might always be inside him, but maybe he could both be angry toward his father and love his father. Cagalli had admitted that her feelings toward her own father were often similarly conflicted, which helped Athrun further. It wasn't like he had to choose either one of those emotions. He could have both the anger and the love no matter how conflicting they were.
Also, he accepted that he sometimes just couldn't agree with his father's ways, regardless of his love for his father or his dislike of his father. How he felt toward his father and whether he agreed with his father were two different matters; just because he couldn't accept his father's ways, it didn't mean he had to hate his father, and vice versa.
Last week, Patrick had come home early to congratulate, or rather show his approval of, Athrun's success in getting into the hardest college to enter in the country. Athrun had been able to talk to his father calmly, putting his bitterness and frustration aside.
And he had felt that it might be the first time he had even tried to see his father as a person. Patrick couldn't possibly have changed since their last talk in which they discussed the influence of their move on his mother's job. Yet, his father had seemed somewhat different. Something had changed between them, and Athrun had known the change was about him rather than about his father. Patrick had looked a little smaller, or less intimidating. It had made Athrun feel a little sad, and quite relieved.
After all, he was no longer a child who just looked up at his father and waited for instructions. He was an adult who made his own choices and decisions. Although they were still father and son and would always be, it wasn't all they were anymore. They were two adults, two persons who sometimes shared feelings and opinions, but had completely different ones at other times. Athrun was no longer someone who was lower than his father, someone who was under his father's control. He was his father's equal, or becoming so at least.
This change of him was likely to cause a fight between himself and his father someday. He knew his father wouldn't like it. But still, he was determined to walk down this path, go a different way from his father's, instead of trying to fit into his father's expectations and play the role of good son.
He was going to be a different kind of man from his father. Not really because of his dislike or disapproval of his father. Not because of his guilt toward his mother or Cagalli, not anymore. Not even because of his love for Cagalli, not entirely anyway.
More than anything, he was going to do that because of his desire for happiness, because he believed that his happiness was on the path he was walking, not on the same path as his father. He was a different person from his father, from any other guy, from any other person. Therefore, he had to find his own form of happiness and go his own way. Otherwise, he couldn't live happily.
And he wanted a happy life. It was one of the things he had realized during the struggle to solve his and Cagalli's problem, one of the things Cagalli had made him realize, one of the things he was thankful to her for.
To show his feelings, and just because he felt like it, he lightly kissed her head and then face here and there, which caused her to giggle. They continued it for a little while, but then, she let out a big yawn.
"I'm going to sleep a bit," she said, rubbing her eyes. "We still have time, right?"
"We should." He sat up to reach his phone on the floor along with his clothes. "Yes, there is enough time for a nap. I'll set an alarm." It seemed they could have a couple of hours of rest.
"Hmmm..."
She appeared nearly asleep already when he put his phone on a shelf next to the bed and lay down beside her again. Still, she shifted to get closer to him. With a fond smile, he slid his left arm under her head. She looked content and her breathing soon became slow.
Combing through her hair with his hand, he gazed at her almost with wonder. A part of him still couldn't believe she had already forgiven him for considering getting her pregnant, without really blaming him at that. Granted, he had felt sure that she would forgive him eventually. Otherwise, he couldn't have brought himself to confess. But the forgiveness had been given way too easily.
Then again, this was Cagalli, a girl who didn't fit into his expectations. And right now, it felt like the most wonderful thing about her.
He knew that that part of her would cause him frustration again someday. But it would surely bring him happiness again as well. They were just two sides of the same coin, one always coming along with the other. Together, they consisted a part of Cagalli, a girl he loved. He just needed to take them as they were, as a whole.
He shifted his eyes to her left hand which was on his chest, then lifted it to gaze at the silver ring with a red gem on her finger.
He had not really given her the ring because of his love for her. Well, he wouldn't have done that if he didn't love her. That was true. However, the urge to give her a ring had mostly stemmed from his desire to control her rather than the desire to show her his feelings. Like a baby he had once been tempted to make, the ring had been a tool of his to chain her to him.
His attempt to make her sacrifice her dream for him had been the same. He had tried to make her prove her love for him by giving up such an important thing to her, by doing what greatly pained her, so that he could feel that she loved him enough to make such a big sacrifice, so that he could be reassured.
But that wasn't love. That was control and submission, he already knew. Without realizing it, he had been trying to turn her into an accessory to his life from a person living her own life.
Love wasn't meeting all of the other person's demands as if you were their servant, or slave even. Nor was it having all of your wishes fulfilled no matter how selfish they were, even if it hurt the other person and ruined the other person's happiness.
He couldn't thank her enough for standing up against him, refusing to accept his demands and then, rejecting his attempt to throw away his life, the responsibility of his life, into her hands. That was basically why they could still have an equal relationship, which was essential for them to have a happy life together.
He gently caressed the ring. It had been a representation of his mistake, of his selfish and ugly sides. It had not been something she should cherish, something he could cherish even when he tried not to look away from those sides anymore. He might have wanted her to keep it off her finger and hidden somewhere he couldn't see it, or wanted her to dispose of it even.
And yet, she had turned the ring into something valuable, something positive.
He softly kissed the ring like he had on the bus to the airport before she and Ahmed went to Tassil to take their exams. Since then, the ring had changed its meaning in his eyes. The facts that she had trusted him enough to maintain hope for their relationship even after he had not been able to give her his answer right away and that she had treated the ring like a symbol of that hope had affected his view of the ring.
He had not told her, but now, the ring was to him a symbol of his promise to fight his hardest for their happiness, try as hard as he could to keep accepting her just as she was no matter how difficult it got. It was also a reminder for him not to repeat the same mistakes.
And a reminder of the struggles he had overcome.
As he put her hand back down on his chest, his mind wandered to the thoughts that had become familiar during the past month. Even after he had found his answer, he had kept thinking about the matter of controlling someone, and other related matters like insecurity.
And he had realized that confidence that was based on condescension toward others—even if it wasn't malicious—was a false kind. Not the real, unshakable confidence. In such a case, your confidence, and you, depended on the very person or people you looked down on.
To gain actual confidence, he supposed, you had to stand on your own feet, not on a pedestal supported by others, regardless of whether those playing human pillars were willing or forced. When you stood on someone, their actions affected you as much as yours did them, if not more.
If they tried to fight back against being put in a lower position or escape from the place under you, abandoning their role of boosting you up, you were shaken, losing your balance. Your entire world could be shaken if you had not realized you had been in your position at someone else's expense or had known it but never doubted it was how things should be, completely believing in your superiority and your right to walk over them, live above them, and got genuinely surprised by their rebellion.
And if they succeeded, you fell down to the ground, no longer in a high enough position to satisfy you. You would be the same height as those you had been looking down on, or worse, lower than them, now that you had to stand on your own and you didn't really know how to do such a thing.
That was partly why you tried to restrain those you looked down on as hard as possible, to have as much control over them as you could. Because putting them in "their proper place" was essential in order for you to feel safe and confident.
Before his recent conflict with Cagalli, Athrun had never thought he was a person like that. But that was exactly how he had reacted in his relationship with her, when she had made it clear that she didn't act the way he believed a girl should.
He had suddenly found himself in a situation where he had to face what he didn't want to, including the sides of himself he didn't like, and felt lost, even frightened though he didn't admit to it. He had nearly panicked, albeit silently, and become desperate to make everything "right," to stop the changes and bring things back to the way that he had always believed was normal.
He had tried to protect his position as her superior, continue to keep standing on the pedestal built by the society for men on the bodies of women, make her play the role his girlfriend was supposed to play which was supporting his personal pedestal so that he could have a firm footing, satisfying his need to be above her, above someone.
However, trying to control others or gaining confidence from looking down on others wasn't a sign of strength. It was more like a sign of weakness and immaturity, a sign that you couldn't stand on your own feet and weren't even trying to.
Ironically, he had been acting in a way which revealed that he was rather weak and immature while trying to pretend to be a strong man who wouldn't cry in front of others or had power over others.
A part of becoming mature was probably to accept that your own efforts and accomplishments were the only platform you had the right to stand on. You deserved to be in as high a place as you could reach on your own; getting someone to give you a boost so that you could reach higher than that was cheating.
And people who got their current position by cheating could never feel truly confident or secure. They were scared and defensive, and had a difficulty in confronting themselves, seeing their true selves, because they knew, deep down at least, that if they ever tried, they would see something different from what they wanted to see, from what they had deluded themselves into believing, and they didn't have the strength to face up to the reality, to accept that was how they really were.
If you didn't try to step off the pedestal and actually stand on your own, you couldn't learn how to do it or gain the strength to successfully do it. And you had to remain immature, weak, and insecure.
It seemed that you could acquire real confidence and strength only through your struggles, through your attempts to confront yourself and stand on your own feet.
Or that was how Athrun had become more confident in himself, anyway.
He had fumbled around and stumbled a lot in his journey to find his answer to his and Cagalli's problem. He had turned a blind eye to uncomfortable truths many times because of his weakness, which prolonged his struggle, and suffering.
Someone else in the same position might have been able to easily figure out the straight path to the answer, or might have known the answer from the beginning and made no mistakes in the first place, not hurting themselves or their loved one. But he wasn't perfect like that. He might not have done better than average, even.
Still, he had eventually found his answer. He had still made it through his journey. Although he had been tempted to turn his back to the tough part and run away to the easy path, he had persevered, not giving up, and succeeded in solving the problem. No matter how long it had taken him, no matter how poorly he had done in the process, it didn't change the fact that he had been successful.
He now knew for a fact that he was at least strong enough to accomplish the task, and that he had become somewhat maturer during his struggles. He was proud of it, of his accomplishments. And the accomplishments and the knowledge made him feel confident, reassured him that he was capable of continuing to walk down this path he had chosen.
As grateful as he was to Cagalli for protecting their relationship and happiness, her choices and her efforts weren't the only reason why they were here. It was also because of him, of the efforts and the choices he had made. They both had worked for their relationship, for their happy future, and they would keep doing it, trusting the other to do so as well, even when they were physically far away from each other. Maybe that was what it was like to share a life with someone, he mused.
A small yawn escaped his lips and brought him back to reality, to the coziness of lying on his comfortable bed with her warm body attached to his.
He had meant to stay awake, savoring each second of the time he could spend with her alone before she moved away. But he felt so relaxed, having gotten everything off his chest, and his eyelids began dropping.
And it was probably okay. It wasn't like this was the last time they slept together. She was leaving, but would come back to him. She always would as long as she was happy with him, and he was happy with her.
After all, being in a relationship wasn't a goal. It was only a means to reach the real goal which was a state where both of them were happy. He had confused them before, thinking upside down and trying to cling to the relationship even if it made both of them unhappy, which ironically almost resulted in the end of the relationship. But now, he got priorities straight, and was determined to keep it that way. So, he was surely going to have another chance to watch her sleeping in his arms.
With another yawn, he adjusted his body to get more comfortable, draped his right arm over her, and surrendered to the drowsiness.
"Hey, why don't we go through that park?"
Athrun followed Cagalli's finger which was pointing at a park across the street.
"Sure." He scanned the area and tugged her hand toward a crosswalk. "We can cross the street there."
They had gotten off the subway a few minutes ago and were walking toward Lacus's house where they were going to celebrate graduation with their friends. The party was also for those whose birthdays were in February and March: Lacus, Miriallia, Nicol, Fllay, and Dearka. They had been too busy studying and taking exams to have a party in February and Cagalli was leaving for Tassil the day after tomorrow, before Dearka's birthday at the end of March. So they had decided to celebrate everything at once. The party worked as the farewell party for Cagalli and Miriallia who were moving away, too.
To be honest, Athrun preferred to have more alone time with his girlfriend. They had graduated high school on the second day of March—Yzak, as the former student body president, had delivered the valedictorian speech in the ceremony—and during the three weeks since then, they had been busy with graduation parties or farewell outings or whatever name people put to their last fun time with their friends, classmates, or former clubmates at least in a while. Cagalli had also had to prepare for the moving.
However, he knew she had been especially looking forward to this party with those close to her. They were going to spend a night at Lacus's house and then, go downtown tomorrow. She was planning to make most of the two-day party and he couldn't bring himself to rob her of the fun. Besides, they had been trying to spend as much time together as possible for the past month, and he was satisfied to an extent. The intimate time they had had a few hours ago also helped.
As they entered the park, she lifted their joined hands so that she could see the watch on his left arm.
"I think it's already five minutes."
He turned his arm to see the watch himself. "Yeah, it is."
They stopped to slightly turn to each other. She held out her left hand toward him, making a fist, and he responded with his right hand for his other hand was occupied.
"Rock, paper, scissors!"
With a smug smile, she raised her hand which was wide open. "I won!"
Pulling a face a little, he lowered his fist. "Here you go, then." He took a large bag off his right shoulder and held it out to her.
The bag was actually hers, which was large not because of change of clothes but rather because of the birthday presents she had bought for her friends.
He had just purchased five music gift cards. Lacus and Nicol loved music and the other three seemed to like it fine, and cards were easier to carry both for him and for them. So they seemed like the most reasonable gifts.
However, Cagalli had bought some large stuff, clearly not thinking about transportation, and thus, had to carry a large bag. He had offered to carry the bag for her when they had left his house, but she had insisted on carrying it herself. After arguing a little, they had agreed on deciding who should carry it by rock-paper-scissors every five minutes. And, well, luck wasn't really on his side today. He had had only one victory so far.
He helped her place the bag on her left shoulder while they kept holding hands. Then, he checked his watch and memorized the time, though he wasn't sure he would have another chance to try to take the bag from her. They might reach Lacus's house before five minutes passed. But there was still a chance and he was willing to grab it if he could.
He shifted his eyes from his watch to her who was still adjusting the bag. The ring on her finger sparkled, catching sunlight, and his gaze flicked back to the watch on his wrist. It was actually her gift to him. And he was able to tell exactly when she had had the idea.
It had been four days after she had come back from Tassil, the day before graduation. With all of their exams over, they had been busy making up for lost time though they couldn't sleep together since his grandmother was still staying with him, having decided that she would attend the graduation ceremony.
That day, they had had lunch at his house with his grandmother and Kira. His grandmother had wanted to have that chat with Cagalli and proposed inviting her for lunch. But she had been somewhat concerned that it might make Cagalli feel intimidated. For some reason, his grandmother had seemed to think Cagalli was kind of a shy girl, or at least shy with her boyfriend's family.
She had asked him whether they should invite his other friends so that it would be less formal and Cagalli wouldn't get so nervous. She had been willing to meet his friends, but afraid that she and Cagalli couldn't talk much with many other guests.
So, he had suggested inviting only Kira over along with Cagalli. He had told his grandmother it wouldn't be too many this way and having her brother with her made Cagalli relax, though he didn't really think Cagalli got too nervous around his grandmother even if she came alone. He had not wanted his grandmother to get too cozy with his girlfriend all the same, which could lead to his grandmother asking too personal questions or teasing Cagalli and him a lot.
After all, his grandmother had been quite curious about his first girlfriend since she had found out about her, prodding him for more information on Cagalli or their relationship. He was all for Cagalli getting along with his family, but he had wanted to draw some boundaries without being rude to his grandmother. Having Kira as a buffer had sounded like a good idea.
The lunch had gone pretty well, though his grandmother still succeeded in embarrassing him several times. But Cagalli had not seemed to mind his grandmother's behavior and appeared to be enjoying talking with her, which was actually part of why he was flustered since his grandmother told Cagalli, and Kira, some embarrassing stories from his childhood.
At least, though, some of his friends who would surely make fun of him about the stories without mercy—namely Dearka and Yzak—had not heard them. It had been the main reason why Athrun had suggested inviting only the twins instead of the whole group of his friends. The twins had laughed at the stories and teased him a little, but it had been nothing he couldn't handle. It would have been a lot more troublesome if the blond and the silver-head had been there.
They had chatted for a while after the lunch, then he and the twins had left the house. He and Cagalli had gone on a bowling date, parting with Kira who said he was going to check several computer shops and game shops in PLANT.
During the date, Cagalli's behavior had started puzzling him. Every time he released his ball and turned back to her who was on a seat waiting for her turn, he had caught her intensely staring at his figure. And it had not been like she was checking him out. As far as he could tell, there had been nothing sexual in her gaze. Her face had been rather serious as if trying to solve a problem. She had not seemed to be watching him for his bowling skills, either, since her eyes followed him with the same intensity when he wasn't bowling.
He had asked her what was the matter a few times, but she had shrugged it off, and continued studying his body, seemingly focusing on one part after another.
He had just picked up his ball for another bowl when she had shouted with excitement, "A watch!"
Startled, he had nearly dropped his ball. He had looked at her who was half standing up from her seat. "What?"
"You had a watch before. When we were freshmen," she had said, trotting up to him and then grabbing his left wrist where he used to wear a watch.
He had given her a confused nod. "I did. But it was broken." He had not mentioned that the watch actually had been broken when he had fallen down from the stairs while protecting her.
"You haven't gotten a new one, right?" she had asked expectantly.
"No, I thought I could make do with my phone."
"But you wouldn't mind wearing it if you had one, would you?" She had looked far too serious for the subject.
"I guess not," he had answered, wondering what this was about.
A relieved and satisfied smile had spread over her face. Then, she had hurriedly added, "I don't think you should buy a watch, though. You're right. There is no need for you to get one for yourself. I think it's better you won't."
He had quirked an eyebrow, finally getting an idea about her intention behind the conversation. "Do you think so?"
She had nodded firmly. "I definitely do."
"I see." He had decided not to reveal that he more or less knew what she was planning to do. She had clearly wanted it to be a surprise and he had not had the heart to ruin it for her. "Then I won't," he had said to reassure her, though he kept his tone nonchalant as if he wasn't interested in the subject.
Unaware of his attempt, she had replied with a smile, "Good decision."
They had returned to the game and she had stopped burning holes in his body.
A week later, she had given him a gift-wrapped rectangular box, explaining it was a return gift for the ring. He had received it, showing no sign that he knew what was inside. It was a simple watch with a dark red band. He had thanked her with a smile and promptly strapped it on.
To tell the truth, after his old watch was broken, he had checked some websites for a new one. However, shopping for a watch had reminded him a little of the time his mother and he had gone to a store to buy one for him when he was in sixth grade, and he had somehow lost interest in getting another watch. After all, it was true that he didn't really need one as long as he had his phone.
But it had not meant he disliked having a new watch, and it had been two years ago anyway. Furthermore, receiving a watch from Cagalli had been different from buying one for himself, especially after she explained that she had decided for a watch because he could wear it almost everywhere and it was useful, which she thought he liked. Touched, he had promised to take good care of it, and make good use of it.
Thus, right now, she was wearing his ring and he was wearing her watch. It wasn't exactly the same as wearing matching outfits, but felt similar.
Of course, he now knew that they were just things no matter what kind of feelings were put into them and that his and her love or relationship wouldn't change a bit without them. But he still liked wearing each other's gift. Probably it wasn't a bad thing to feel like that as long as he didn't lose sight of what was truly important, he supposed.
"What are you smiling at?"
With a blink, he turned his eyes to her face which was curious.
"What do you think?" he asked playfully.
She thought a little. "Because the weather is good and springy?" It was a good day indeed, the sky being soft blue and warm breeze gently passing through them now and again.
"You mean 'springlike,'" he automatically corrected.
Her lips formed a half-playful, half-thoughtful pout. "'Springy' seems to me to suit this weather better. It makes me springy, you see." Her steps became bouncy, which made him chuckle. "Though it'd be even better if the cherry blossoms were in full bloom."
She moved her head to look around at the cherry trees flanking the path they were walking, which he mimicked. The buds had barely started blooming; only a few pale pink flowers were showing here and there.
"I guess we can't enjoy cherry blossoms together this year...or for six years," she said a little wistfully.
He gently tugged at her hand to catch her attention. "At least, we can enjoy other flowers together." With his free hand, he motioned toward other kinds of trees that had many flowers and flowers in flowerbeds. "They look good enough to me."
As her gaze came back to him from the trees and flowers, a smile blossomed on her face, which in his opinion was much more beautiful and worth appreciation than the flowers.
"You're right." She moved their joined hands widely. "Those flowers are as pretty as cherry flowers, and we should appreciate them properly." Despite her words, her eyes were fixed on him instead of flowers, but he had no complaints about it.
Somehow their feet stopped and they stood to gaze into each other's eyes with just the same amount of fervor. Without words, he knew they were both wishing this moment would last forever.
But it wouldn't. It had to end, and they had to move on, live their lives. The lives far away from each other for the next several years. The thought was still somewhat disquieting, especially with the day of parting right around the corner.
However, it was the only way they could remain themselves. They couldn't stop living. They couldn't give up everything else to just be together. They couldn't be happy that way. In order to live happily together, they had to live their own lives as well as their shared life.
There was an end to everything and their old relationship had come to an end. The time was over when they had belonged to the same school, the same place, and enjoyed the physical closeness that had helped their relationship and feelings develop. It was unavoidable. They grew up and changed. So did their relationship.
They were no longer children who had happened to be at the same place, happened to live nearby because of their parents' choices. They were becoming adults who followed their dreams and made their own choices about where they were. Their relationship was maturing into a new one in which they didn't have to stay physically close in order to keep their love alive, in which they could share a life while living in different places.
Or at least they hoped it would, from the bottom of their hearts. The future remained to be seen, which was scary. And saying goodbye to their old life was sad.
He held her hand tighter. She squeezed his hand back, and they shared a soft smile, with no words yet.
Still, they believed there would be a happy tomorrow after today's farewell. And it fueled the hope inside their hearts to know that they shared the dream, wanted the same future and life where they were happy together, and were as determined to make it happen as the other was.
So, they resumed walking forward, looking up and pointing at the opening buds of cherry blossom from time to time all the while chatting and smiling and laughing.
Spring was the season of farewell. And the season of new beginning.
A/N: In Japan, school year starts in April and ends in March; business year is the same for many companies. So, most people say goodbye to their old life and start a new life in spring. And this fic is set in a Japan-like country.
Also, this isn't the end. There is still an epilogue. Don't forget to read it!
···
Below is the reply to review.
To Fuyu Aki:
Hello, thank you for another review!
A kiss after they reconciled would've been nice, yes. But this fic is set in a Japan-like country. And in Japan, kissing someone's lips in a public place is considered pretty inappropriate. And I don't think either Athrun or Cagalli would've felt comfortable kissing in the bus where other people were just there, much less at the airport where many people could see their kiss. So, a couple of hugs were the extent they went.
As for Meyrin, I don't think it's necessary for me to write more about her. Athrun already rejected her and she doesn't know he considered changing his answer to her confession for a little while. He also decided to keep their relationship professional in the future in Chapter 15 ("Another Possibility").
Meyrin kind of represents Athrun's idea of ideal girlfriend. Athrun was never attracted to her as a person. He considered dating her only because of his fixation on the ideal girlfriend. However, he already chose Cagalli over the ideal girlfriend. At that point, Meyrin's role in this fic ended.
And it doesn't really matter what Meyrin will do or how Athrun's relationship with Meyrin will become, does it? Even if they eventually become friends while she keeps pining for him, she won't be a threat to Athrun and Cagalli's relationship unless they let her, unless he is again tempted to choose an easier relationship or Cagalli becomes so jealous of Meyrin or insecure because of Meyrin and fights with Athrun or something like that happens.
But Athrun is determined to stay with Cagalli even though he is aware that there are girls who are easier to be with and stay around him. And I believe I've done a good enough job of showing that Cagalli isn't the type to act the way I mentioned above.
What matters is Athrun's and Cagalli's feelings and choices. Because even if Meyrin gives up Athrun and goes to a different college from his, I'm sure there will be other girls who are easier to be with than Cagalli and available around Athrun in college.
The same thing can be said about Cagalli. Even though Ahmed doesn't romantically love her anymore, she may meet a guy at Tassil who is easier to be with than Athrun, available, and around.
Just because Meyrin and Ahmed are out of the picture, it doesn't mean there will be no more love rivals. There will always be "another possibility" for both Athrun and Cagalli, in college and after that, even after they get married and have kids and stay married for years.
So, what we need to know is how determined Athrun and Cagalli are to stay in the relationship, how much they trust each other, and what kind of persons they are. Those things affect their future much more than love rivals ever will.
I believe that in most cases, a relationship falls apart because of a problem within it, not because of one outside it like a love rival. Outside factors are usually just a trigger that brings out hidden problems that have always been there in the relationship, which may or may not result in the end of the relationship. Eliminating all outside triggers, or all "another possibilities," isn't a solution, nor achievable. What you really have to do is face the problems in your relationship and properly deal with them so that they won't break the relationship.
And that's what I made Athrun and Cagalli do in this fic so that readers can believe their relationship is indeed strong enough and feel hopeful about their future. I hope what I showed throughout this fic was enough for you to trust Athrun and Cagalli to have a happy future together.
Anyway, I don't think I'll write another fic for this AU series, sorry. And I intend to keep the rating M. Since this fic includes scenes where Athrun and Cagalli are (almost) having sex even though they aren't descriptive, I don't feel comfortable rating it lower.
Lastly, I'm really, truly grateful to you for giving me a review every time I updated this fic. Your continuous support helped me stay motivated. And believe me, your comments made this fic better. Thank you so very much.
*posted 05/18/19*
*edited 11/18/20*