I'm not dead yall! I know it took me ages to update, (Going on almost a year I think,) but life gets in the way and I'm just now able to sit down and crank something out that I'm happy with. To say I've had writers block is a massive understatement T_T
For some reason I was super anxious writing the last half of this chapter. It's been a good 4-5 months since I've really sat down and worked on it so maybe I just have to get back into the swing of things? That and I've just started another fanfic so asldkj I don't know.
Anywho, here is an update. I hope it doesn't disappoint!
As soon as John shut the door my eyes flew open. I didn't dare get out of bed until I heard his stateroom door close, then I rushed to the toilet to get sick again. Thankfully this episode didn't last very long, and once I'd cleaned up I walked over to the mirror. Haunted eyes stared back at me as my mind started running a thousand miles a minute.
I'm pregnant.
I had my suspicions when I started feeling suddenly nauseous before we went to see the Pillagers, but having John ask me out loud just confirmed what I felt in my gut. A small smile broke out on my face as I looked down at my stomach. I had lied when I told John I wasn't sure, that'd I'd need a doctor's confirmation.
There's some things you just knew.
And one thing I knew was I had John's baby in my belly, and that keeping it a secret for now would be the hardest thing I've ever done. For hours I debated if I should tell him, but then I knew there would be no way he'd let our plan go through if he knew the truth. So I fought the urge to jump out of the bathtub screaming yes when he asked me, instead I hoped that he bought my nonchalant response and couldn't see to the simmering excitement that laid underneath.
Not able to just sit around anymore, I went to get dressed and headed straight down to the galley. "Good morning boys," I chipped, trying to add just the right amount of excitement in my voice without raising suspicions.
I could feel their gazes burn holes in my back watching my every move. They both mumbled a "Mornin'" as I tried to pour myself a cup of coffee. Excitement singed through me as I tried my hardest to keep from shaking, so preoccupied with my thoughts I nearly jumped out of my skin when Jim started to speak to me.
"You ready for today Ana?" he asked innocently.
Making sure my face was calm of any panic, I steeled my nerves before turning around. "Absolutely, I'm borderline ready to roll." Walking over to sit next to John, I took a steadying sip of my coffee relishing in the warmth that soothed me. "Can we talk through the steps one more time?"
John cleared his throat before beginning. "We're scheduled to land in Montressor around 10 AM. As soon as we land palace officials will begin to board to start unloading yer t'ings, at which time you'll meet yer maid t'at will help you get dressed. Her name is Charleigh, she's in on t'e plan and will help ya get out once t'e time comes."
"So she knows of the code word?" I asked.
"Yup," he nodded.
"And you're still not going to tell me what that word is?"
"Nope," he muttered, "T'e more innocent I can keep you t'rough all of this the better. In case anyone starts askin' any questions, I don't want you to have to lie to cover for anyone."
Ignoring my annoyed huff, he continued with his explanation.
"Once t'e royal guard arrives, you will be escorted to the palace where you will get ready. T'e guards we bribed will then come wit' t'e excuse to escort ya to t'e church for t'e ceremony. Charleigh will ask for t'e code word before t'ey enter, Once they give it to her she will help ya disguise yerself, and instead of takin ya to t'e church they'll take ya to a long boat waiting for ya at t'e lower docks."
"And from there I'll go to my Uncle's ship right outside the spaceport?" I asked.
"Right," John nodded, "Once you board yer Uncle's ship we'll meet up just on t'e other side of t'e Andromeda galaxy."
"B-but, that's a week's sail away," I stammered, "How am I supposed to know that you both made it out of there ok?"
John sensing my panic placed a hand on my cheek in an attempt to calm me down. "Don't worry about us lass, we'll make it out just fine. You just worry about gettin' to yer Uncle and leave t'e rest to me and Jimbo."
Looking into his eyes eased my anxiety, but not entirely. The seed of doubt was still there. "And if I can't come out, you'll come get me right?" Tears burned behind my eyes at just the thought of it.
Surprising me, John leaned down to kiss me eagerly, as if he was trying to kiss the fear away. "Aye, you don't have to worry about t'at Ana. I'll tear t'at place down brick by brick until I find you, I don't care if it's left in shambles. I won't stop until I have you safe wit' me."
The determination in his eyes took my breath away as I bit my lip to try and keep the tears from falling. I couldn't tell if it was the hormones or the situation that had me an emotional mess, but I was grateful that Jim interrupted and tried to distract me.
"Any special requests for breakfast today?" he asked walking over to the stove. Just the mention of food made me want to hurl.
"I think I'm gonna pass on breakfast today actually," I squeaked, earning a concerned glare from John.
"Are ya sure lass?" he asked cocking an eyebrow, "Yer gonna need yer strength to get through t'e day."
I sidestepped him and walked towards the stairs hoping to escape his questions. He could read me so well that I might as well had a sign on my forehead flashing 'I'm pregnant!' "I know, but having coffee this early fills me up," I lied, "besides I need to go make sure all of my things are packed up one last time before I start getting ready."
"Gettin' ready?" they both asked, "I t'ought you were ready to go lass? And besides isn't t'at what Charleigh is gonna help ya wit'" John quipped. Even with my back to the both of them I could feel John's suspicious glare burn holes in my head.
"Well yeah," I turned to face them, "but it's not proper for a princess to show up like this," I motioned to my outfit of fitted pants and a loose cotton blouse. "And she's going to help me dress for my arrival ceremony. If I don't want to raise any suspicions with the Royal Guard then I have to at least put a dress on."
They both scrutinized me looking for any signs of stress or emotion, John especially. Please, just stop with the questions and let me go. The longer I stood there under their gazes, the tighter my throat squeezed with emotion.
"Well, I'll be sure to save a plate for you then." Jim muttered then began gathering ingredients. John's pensive glare was still on me, turning back to the stairs I shot back up to the deck before he could badger me with anymore questions. I had barely made it to the other side of his state room door before I let out the breath I had been holding. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked up to the ceiling trying to get my emotions in check.
You can do this Ana. I tried to control my breathing before I spiraled into a full blown panic attack. Facing John without telling him about the baby had been harder than I thought it would be. Just as my nerves got settled I could hear John's damn gears as he came close to the door. I had managed to make it to the other side of his desk to look out the window and dry my face just as he threw the door open.
"Are ya gonna tell me what's t'e matter or am I gonna have to pry it out of ya." he growled, his patience was obviously whittled down to nothing.
Steeling myself I took a deep breath. "John, nothing is wro-"
"Bullshit!" he spat as he slammed the door shut in frustration. "Damnit Ana we're pressed for time as it is. I don't have time so sit here and try to convince ya to tell me what's on yer mind."
A sudden surge of anger and impatience overtook me as I wheeled around to face him. "Well I don't have time to sit here and wallow in worries about how today will go!" I bellowed. I marched across the room as John backed up against the door, I could tell that he immediately regretted ever opening his mouth. "Yes, there is something wrong. I'm terrified! Absolutely and completely terrified of what I have to do today, but damnit John there isn't anything I can do to change it or get out of it. No, I don't want to talk about it, and by gods I sure the hell don't have to if I don't want to. So what if I want to pretend like nothing is wrong?! What does it matter to you! If it gets me through today then let me do it!"
By the time I was done with my little spiel I was screaming in his face, tears falling down mine freely not caring to hide them anymore. John stood there still as stone, and just as I started to worry if I crossed the line, he grabbed my shoulders and threw me against the door.
"Ya wanna know why t'e hell it matters to me?!" he shouted, eyes flashing red, "Because I can't bring myself to let ya go knowin' t'at yer absolutely scared out of yer wits, because t'en all I would do is turn t'is ship around and high tail it outta here. But you and I know t'at we can't do t'at at this point wit' out men or ever yerself gettin' killed." He hung his head low as he let out a heavy sigh. "I should've never let ya get t'is close to this place anyway. I feel like I've failed you."
Hearing his voice crack made me feel so helpless. He was just as scared letting me go as I was of going. He feels like this is all his fault. I realized what he needed was for me to be strong. He couldn't handle the weight of my emotions and fears as well as be able to fight his way out of here, it was too much pressure. As he took a shaky breath, I brought a hand to his cheek to try and soothe him.
"John," I whispered, trying to catch his eyes, "Please look at me."
It took him a few moments before he looked up, and seeing his eyes look watery just made a fresh wave of tears fall from mine.
"John you didn't fail me. You've saved me, why on earth would you think otherwise?"
He chewed his lip and looked like he was debating with himself. He let out a breath before he continued. "Because it's my job to keep you safe, especially since you're-" He stopped mid sentence and looked to the floor again.
My stomach dropped. "I'm what?"
He looked at me with a knowing glance, I was convinced he knew I was pregnant, but his next words threw me off.
"Since yer mine. It's my job to keep you safe, not just because yer father asked me to, but because yer my everything." he pressed his forehead against mine, "I don't know what I'd ever do if I lost you."
Wrapping my arms around his neck I pulled him close to me. "You're not going to lose me John. Not now or anytime soon." I let my hands drift down to his powerful chest relishing in the feeling of his strong steady heartbeat against my palm. "And I'm not terrified, I'm just anxious to get this over with. I trust you with everything, I know that you wouldn't put me in any situation you couldn't get me out of."
He gazed up at me with a hopeful spark, "You mean t'at lass?"
I nodded and smiled before giving him a reassuring kiss. "I promise I mean it. I trust you with my life John."
He let out a breath as he loosened up his shoulders finally calming down, his calm was infectious as I let out a breath of my own.
"Are ya still goin' to skip breakfast?" He asked carefully.
I nodded, "I really do need to double check my things and start getting ready." Stifling a yawn I continued, "and I may just squeeze a nap in before we land."
John chuckled as he gently kissed the side of my head. "Fine, but I'll be back in here once we launch to check on ya."
Giving him a reassuring smile I wrapped my arms around his lower chest and kissed him again. "Okay, I promise I'll try to squeeze in a snack before I leave." We stood there for a moment before I let him go to help Jim make breakfast. As he shut the door I tried to decide what to do first, sleep or double check my luggage. You won't be able to truly rest knowing you still have so much to do. Taking a deep breath I started to make sure things were in order.
Thankfully checking my luggage didn't take nearly as long as I had thought it would. By the time I was finished John's call clock glowed 7:30 as I closed and locked the last trunk in place. While I was looking through everything I managed to find the original dress I would be wearing before I had to change into my arrival gown and had laid it out on John's bed. I padded over to his bathroom to quickly freshen up, then threw the dress on, rolled my hair up into a quick updo and made my way out the door. Just as I was half way across John's stateroom another wave of sudden nausea rolled over me, and of course with my luck John had swung the door open as soon as it hit.
I tore off back towards the bathroom barely making the toilet in time, and just as before John was right there rubbing my back and whispering encouraging words in my ear. When I was done I stood up and braced myself against the wall. Before he could even ask I held up a hand to stop him.
"Not a word." I mumbled, "I'm fine. Thank you for helping me." I side stepped him and walked to the sink to rinse my mouth out. As I looked in my reflection I had to fight the urge to lay my hand on my stomach, surely he would know for sure if I did.
"Still gonna say it's nerves?" He asked.
"Yup." I lied. I could tell by the quirk of his brow he didn't believe me but I didn't care. "Maybe if I get something to eat that'll help."
"Aye," he nodded, obviously not believing me "because all this is happenin' because yer hungry."
"Mmhm," I mumbled pushing past him to head towards the galley, "I better hurry up and grab a bite so we can go ahead and launch for the day." Running out the door I didn't give John a chance to argue anymore.
By the time I made it down to the galley, the rest of the crew had already eaten and were getting started on their morning tasks. Walking over to the stove I was surprised and grateful to see that not only did Jim stay true to his word and saved me a plate of eggs and toast, but that they were still warm. Taking a seat, I quickly scarfed down the scant meal half expecting a wave of nausea to hit me once I was done. Feeling a renewed energy, I washed up my dishes and went to meet John at the helm.
"Feelin' better?" he whispered in my ear, hand slipping carefully around my waist.
"Much," I smiled genuinely, "Let's get this show on the road."
The launch went off without a hitch, borderline boring if I had to be honest. Looking at the map I noticed the time, we would be in Montressor in two short hours. Swallowing thickly I tried to keep my throat from tightening up with anxiety. I stood by John and calmly watched the crew work the sails. Thankfully John didn't question or badger me, instead he just wrapped an arm around my shoulder and held me close.
After about an hour I could see it in the far distance. It started out as the tiniest of specks in the etherium, but slowly it began to take shape. Shrugging Johns arm off I stepped away from him.
"Where are you runnin off to?" He asked confused.
"Just to get some last things in order." I told him, his hand had drifted to mine and was keepin me from walking away.
"Don't be long," he whispered.
"I won't," I whispered back. He wanted to spend every moment he could with me and I couldn't blame him, I felt he same way. But I needed some kind of distraction or else I'd have a nervous breakdown.
I headed back down to my original room. Opening the door, I slipped inside and took a look around. All of my stuff sat around waiting to be unloaded. Memories flooded my mind as I slowly walked around.
What was two weeks felt like two years. I still couldn't wrap my head around all the changes that took place since leaving home, or around the changes still yet to come. My hand softly touched my stomach as I started to day dream. Scenes of John and I on a warm beach filled my head, me being cuddled up in his arms while I held our baby in mine.
The sound of the door knob turning brought me crashing back to reality. Turning towards the door I was surprised to see John sheepily walk in.
"Hey," he muttered, a small grin on his face.
"Hi," I grinned placing my hands behind my back.
"Just wanted to come down and check on ya," John stood there nervously scratching his neck.
Walking up to him, I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him hungrily. His arms wound around me and pulled me against him. Our kiss started out slow but before I knew it John had carried me to the bed. Laying me down gently, he carefully crawled on top of me.
Wrapping my legs around his waist, I didn't argue as he started to kiss down my neck, his natural hand slowly made it's way from my knee up the outside of my thigh. Arching up against him I couldn't help but moan his name. I didn't care that we were almost to Montressor, nor did I care that we had left the door unlocked so anyone could have walked in on us at anytime. I needed to make love to John one last time, just incase things didn't work out the way that they should.
When we were done we didn't waste any time with being affectionate afterwards. We didn't really have a choice, for soon after Jim was knocking on the door letting us know we were getting close. I walked into the bathroom to clean myself up and to rearrange my hair. As I lifted my hands to fix my curls, I was relieved to see the hickey he had left before had disappeared and no new ones had taken its place.
John came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist resting his chin on my shoulder. "You feelin better lass?" he whispered.
"Mmhm," I reassured him. Reaching up behind me I started to rake my fingers through his hair.
We stood there for a bit relishing in our last moments alone together. Neither one of us could think of anything to say. Grudgingly he stepped away from me and went to walk out the door. "I'm gonna head back up to t'e helm. You come up whenever you're ready."
I know he was trying to give me some time alone to collect my thoughts, but that was the last thing I needed right now. Grabbing his hand I started to follow, earning a confused glance when he turned back to face me.
"I don't wanna be alone." I mumbled.
He smirked knowingly, "Alright, let's go up t'ere together then."
We held hands the entire way up to the helm. We only let go of each other once Montressor was fully in view. The closer we came to the spaceport the more festive our surroundings became. Before what started out as small bare outposts floating here and there had turned into buildings that were elaborately decorated on the outside.
"Some kind'a welcome party huh?" Jim asked looking around in wonder. "I can't remember the last time the city looked like this."
"It's not everyday a new queen comes to town," I answered calmly. Straight ahead I could see our final destination come into view. The specific dock we were headed towards was all decked out like in my dream. Red streamers flown in the breeze all over the place. Standing there taking it all in I wasn't nervous like I thought I'd be, instead I was unexpectedly calm. As we started to descend towards the dock swarms of people started to cheer.
"I'm going to wait in your stateroom," I muttered to John, "maybe the crowds will calm down if they can't see me."
"Good idea," he agreed, "I'll meet ya in t'ere as soon as we land."
Walking down the stairs towards the deck the familiar twinge of anxiety settled in my bones. I felt like I was back in my home walking down that staircase with everyone's eyes and a blinding spotlight on me. By the time I made it to John's stateroom door we were close enough to see the faces of the people in the crowd. Feeling awkward just looking at them, I gave the people a small smile and a quick wave.
The roar jumped as the crowd realized that I was acknowledging them. Taking a deep breath I ducked into John's stateroom before my anxiety could climb any higher. Once inside I took a steadying breath, walking over to sit at his desk I could feel the cool emotionless mask fall into place. It wasn't too long before John came in.
"You still doin' alright lass?" He asked as he sat on the couch.
"Yeah," I replied coolly.
We both sat there unsure of what to say. Sitting there thinking about it, I realized that we had hardly talked at all that day. My mind started to fill with regret at the thought of this possibly being the last time I see John. Thankfully a knock at the door pulled me out of my mental torment.
In walked Jim followed by a Marsi woman. Once the door was fully closed he began with the introductions. "Your majesty, this here is Charleigh," at the mention of her name she dipped into a quick curtsy. "She will be your lady in waiting for today."
"G'day yer majesty, it's a pleasure to meet'cha" she greeted. Her voice having a strong Australian accent I wasn't expecting.
Standing to greet her I took her by the hands. "Please, call me Ana" I reassured smiling, "It's nice to meet you too." Turning to Jim I asked, "Is she the lady in waiting?"
John snuck up behind me and place a hand on the small of my back. Instinctively I leaned into even the slightest of his touch. "Aye lass, Charleigh here is in on the plan and will be t'e one helpin' ya."
"Don't worry Ana," Charleigh reassured, "I'll make sure everything goes off without a hitch."
I gave her a friendly smile grateful for the fact she was trying to qualm my worries. "Well, we best be letting you ladies get to work getting ready." Jim quipped giving John a knowing glance.
"Ah, yeah" I muttered lamely, "Charleigh we'll be getting ready in the bedroom over there. Well have more room and my dress is already in there."
Thankfully she took the hint. "Yes ma'am, I go get everything in order." And off she walked leaving the three of us alone.
"Jimbo, go show t'e guards where Ana's trunks are. It'll take them awhile to get everyt'ing unloaded."
"Aye cap'n" he nodded, before heading out he gave me a bear hug. "Everything will be fine Ana, I promise." He whispered. Once he let go, he gave me a quick smirk then walked out the door.
Turning to face John my heart began to seize. My throat instantly began to tighten and burn as I fought to keep the tears from falling. He wrapped his arms around me and started to whisper in my ear.
"Shh, I promise everything will be fine my lass." He cooed over and over. Only when my face was buried in his shirt did I finally let the tears go. Sobs wrecked my body as the gravity of what was happening finally crashed on me. Wrapping his arms even tighter around me John tried his best to calm me down.
"Please don't cry Ana." He begged, "Just t'ink, this time tomorrow you'll be on yer uncles boat far away from this place." Hearing his voice strained with emotions helped bring my tears to a stop. Still I stood there face buried in his chest trying to memorize his scent. Only when my sobs turned to hiccups did I dare to lean back to look at him.
"I'm fine," I lied, putting on a brave face for John.
He chuckled knowing I was lying. Instead of calling me out he gently hooked a finger under my chin and forced me to look at him. Our lips crashed in a kiss of tender desperation. It took us a moment or two to pull apart, we knew once he left me to get ready we wouldn't be able to show any affection for each other.
"I love you," I sighed, tears threatening to come back.
He placed his hands gently on my face, leaning down he kissed me tenderly. "I love you more Anastasia, I love you wit' everything I am." He whispered pressing his forehead against mine, "I can't wait to start a new life wit' you."
Visions of John and I together with out baby flashed through my mind again. "Me either," I whispered thickly. Still standing there just trying to enjoy our last moments together, it wasn't long before we were interrupted.
"Ahem," Charleigh cleared her throat. "I hate to intrude, but we do have a schedule to keep. Ana if you don't start getting ready then we'll be running behind."
Stepping away from each other John held my hands running his thumbs over my knuckles. "She's right lass. We want everything to go smoothly." Taking his natural hand he gently caressed my cheek. "Just remember, everyt'ing will be fine." Leaning down he kissed me gently and whispered an 'I love you'
"I love you too," I whispered back, letting go of his hand and watching him walk out the door. Taking a deep breath I tried to calm myself. Surprisingly the fear and anxiety didn't come crashing down like I thought it would, and as I walked into John's bedroom for possibly the last time my mind was clear.
Charleigh worked quickly and efficiently, she had my arrival gown on me and cinched up in a matter of minutes. As we sat in the bathroom so she could rearrange my hair, we started to get to know each other. I didn't realize when she walked in with Jim just how beautiful she really was. Her fur was a creamy milk chocolate, her eyes a deep magenta color held a level of kindness and tenacity that was comforting. Her hair was what caught my attention.
It was the most striking, gorgeous neon lavender purple. Against her fur it looked like it practically glowed. Falling down her back in soft waves I couldn't help but watch her intently.
"If you think much harder you'll have smoke comin' out ya ears," she laughed.
"Sorry," I muttered, biting my lip in embarrassment, "Your hair is very pretty. I haven't seen anyone who's hair is such a vibrant color."
"Have you seen your hair Ana?" she smiled, finishing the final touches to my updo, "Your's is the epitome of vibrant." Straightening up she leaned back to examine her handiwork.
"Thanks," I blushed at the compliment standing to examine myself fully in the mirror. John was right, the silver sheen of my arrival dress clashed with my hair horribly. The garment was so heavy that my shoulders ached where the straps were, the sound of satin and silk whispered softly as I slowly turned around. Nearly every inch glistened from a jewel, pearl or sequin. Sighing deeply I turned to face Charleigh. "Guess it's time to go out there."
She glanced behind her to check the time. "Yup, it's time." Turning back to face me, she offered her hand to comfort me. "I know you're terrified but don't worry. Today will go off without a hitch."
Taking her hand I led out out of the bathroom and through the bedroom. "I guess you won't tell me what the secret word is either?" I teased.
"Nope," she grinned, "Sorry Ana but my lips are sealed."
We made our way into John's stateroom laughing when we stopped short. Standing by the window was John. As soon as our eyes met I felt that same electric shock as I did on day one.
"I thought you were gonna wait for us outside?" I asked innocently letting go of Charleigh's hand.
"You were, but I decided I would be t'e one to hand ya over." he looked over to Charleigh and grinned, "T'at is if you don't mind I take over."
"Not at all," she smiled stepping back as John took her place. He held out his elbow for me and when I slipped my hand through, he took his opposite hand and laid it on top of mine. The contrast of his warm skin and his cool metal hand felt like heaven.
"You ready to do this," he whispered down at me.
Biting my lip I nodded before glancing up at him, "Just don't forget how much I love you."
"I never will," he reassured me then straightened to his full height. As Charleigh took her place behind us, we both took a deep breath and walked out onto the deck.