Our Time In The Dark

by DaughterOfPoseidon333

They'd always been good at achieving the impossible. Falling in love was no exception. Somewhere in the dark they found something in each other that would survive even death and the test of time. Romanogers 1940s AU. Rated M Ch19 and on.

20. Hydra Train

Hello. It's me. Back after another year of not updating *wears face of shame*. Seriously though, guys, I'm so so sorry. I really didn't mean for this to happen. And I know, excuses, excuses. And I don't mean to make so many excuses, but honestly, life just gets in the way. I'm a senior in college now and things are just CRAZY. Last semester, especially, was just not a great one for me and I didn't do as much writing as I'd hoped. And then this summer I went on a trip abroad and then had computer troubles literally the rest of the summer. So, again, really really sorry about the lack of updates.

I'm sure many of you are wondering if I've abandoned this story, and though it's (very) slow-going at times, no. I have not abandoned it. I just get caught up in life stuff and school stuff and work stuff and I don't always have time as I would like. There are so many things coming up in this story that I am so, so, SO excited for, and I can't wait to share them with you all.

I'm working on the next chapter now. I've got a lot going on this semester, but I hope to update a little more frequently (and I really hope I didn't just jinx it by saying that). Anyway, until the next update, here's the LONGEST CHAPTER YET! I didn't expect it get this long and then things just kept happening...I apologize in advance for all the angst *evil author laughter*.

There's probably more I need to say, but for now I can't think of it so I will stop rambling and let you guys get to it! Any dialogue taken from Captain America: The First Avenger is not mine.

Thank you, my lovely readers. Enjoy!

-:-

Steve was glad that when he and Natasha walked into the council room, everyone else was too caught up in their own conversations to pay them much attention. They settled down in their usual seats, and Steve only risked a short glance at Bucky to see his best friend smirking and shaking his head, clearly holding back laughter and a slew of teasing remarks. He could feel his ears turning pink, but before he could dwell on it too long Colonel Phillips started the debriefing. Steve listened when he had to, spoke up when needed, but the rest of the time his mind wandered to the night before. Every kiss, every touch, every sensation, it was all there, beautifully burned into his memory. His heart thudded in his chest, hints of nervousness and anxiety creeping their way into his system, though he didn't know why. He took a deep breath to steady himself.

While Phillips discussed the time-table for the next mission—they'd be leaving bright and early the next morning—Steve's eyes flicked over to Natasha. After a beat she turned her head and met his gaze. The tiniest of smiles made the corners of her mouth quirk up, and he started counting the seconds until he got to kiss those lips again. Her smile grew ever so slightly and he knew she was thinking about the same thing, the lightest shade of pink touching her cheeks. As Steve turned his attention back to the Colonel, he slid a hand under the table and found Natasha's. His nerves slipped away as he felt her shift beside him and squeeze his hand back.

Until last night Steve had known, of course, that Natasha was interested in him, in being with him, but he'd never been wholly sure if she'd wanted to take that step into something more. Maybe that had been more his nerves dictating his thinking, but still, the question had arose in his mind. But he hadn't asked and hadn't pushed about it because he knew that being with him even in the smallest way was a huge step for her. She'd wanted to take it slow and he was perfectly fine with that because he, too, had been nervous. But then, last night, when they'd kissed, something had just clicked. That little piece that had been holding both of them back had dissolved. Once he'd gotten over his initial uncertainty due to lack of experience, being with Natasha intimately was so comfortable, so natural. Steve knew it could be even better than it was. He still had a lot to learn, but despite his lesser experience and all, he and Natasha knew how to read each other, how to react, and there were times last night where they moved together as in sync as they did out on the battlefield.

After the meeting, Phillips came up to where Steve was standing with Natasha, Bucky, and Peggy. He looked at Natasha first, and for a moment Steve was afraid he was going to say something about the state he'd found the two of them in that morning. "Romanoff, I had a very upset Nurse Meredith come looking for me this morning telling me that one of her patients had escaped last night." Colonel Phillips paused, regarding Natasha for a moment, who stared right back, not giving away anything. "I suggest you make your way over to the infirmary, apologize profusely, and get yourself cleared for duty if you want to go on this mission tomorrow."

Natasha politely dipped her head. "Yes, sir."

Steve met her eyes for a fraction of a second. They were twinkling brightly and his heart flipped in his chest.

Peggy looped her arm through Natasha's then, looking at Phillips. "I'll make sure she gets to the infirmary, Colonel."

Phillips nodded, waving a hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah. Go on."

"So, escaped from the infirmary last night, did you?" Steve heard Peggy say as the two women walked away. Bucky chucked lowly under his breath, indicating that he'd heard it too. Steve looked back at the Colonel, and was met with the disgruntled, straight-faced look that Phillips often gave them. He and Bucky shut up real fast.

"Anyway," Phillips muttered after another agonizing moment of silence, handing Steve a stack of folders, "Rogers, since Morita, among others, will not be released from the infirmary for tomorrow's mission, I've put together a list of names and their personnel files. I want a completed roster for the mission by lunch."

Steve straightened, tucking the files under his arm. "Yes, sir."

Phillips bobbed his head. "Good. Dismissed, both of you."

Steve started following Bucky when Colonel Phillips called him back.

"Sir?"

The Colonel leaned in close, lowering his voice. "As far as I'm concerned, Rogers, I didn't see anything, I didn't hear anything, I don't know anything. Some of the other higher-ups on base might not be so forgiving if they found out, so keep it under wraps. Understood?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good." And with that Phillips turned and headed towards the direction of his office.

Steve watched him go for a moment, before turning and catching up to Bucky. His best friend slung an arm around his shoulders, which was a little harder than it used to be since Steve was now the same height. "So," Bucky said with a huge grin, "since it seems the good Colonel is sparing you, we have a lot to talk about."

Steve just laughed and let Bucky lead him away from the conference room.

-:-

"You got the corners tight and everything," Bucky commented, clearly impressed as he swatted the end of Steve's mattress. Steve watched as his friend plopped down on the bed, back against the wall, eyes bright as he purposely wrinkled up the bedspread. Bucky tossed the apple he'd snagged from the kitchen up in the air. "How'd you manage that? Phillips gave you, like, five minutes to haul ass this morning."

Steve shrugged. "I can be quick when I want to."

Bucky tipped his head back and laughed and Steve grinned. Bucky was still smiling huge when he looked back at him. "I hope that's not what you said last night."

Steve leaned over and snatched a pillow off his bed then threw it at Bucky. He caught it, unsurprisingly, but the end still managed to hit his face. Bucky just laughed it off and tossed the pillow aside, taking a bite out of his apple. Steve chuckled and shook his head, turning back to the personnel files on his desk. The rustling of papers and the crunch of Bucky's apple filled the room.

"I'm happy for you two, you know," Bucky said after a few minutes of silence. Steve turned in his chair to look at him. Bucky ran a hand through his hair, taking another bite of apple. "Seriously," he mumbled around his mouthful of food before swallowing. "I know Nat and I weren't always on the best of terms, and I know there's been some moments in the past where things have been weird and all that, but you're happier than I've seen you in a long time, even with this goddamn war going on, so…"

"Thanks, Buck," Steve replied after a moment, not sure what else to say. But it seemed to be enough. Bucky gave him a genuine smile.

As Steve turned back to the stack of papers in front of him, Bucky gave a little laugh. There was a moment of silence and Steve could only wonder if Bucky was going to voice his thoughts. "I can't believe you told the Colonel you overslept," his best friend laughed. "You're a fucking idiot, you know that?"

Steve, barely able to keep back his own laughter, threw a pen at Bucky, who easily swatted it out of the air. "Jerk."

"Punk."

They were both laughing again and Steve figured it would take a lot longer than it should to get his roster complete.

-:-

Natasha met Steve and the other Commandos in the mess hall for dinner. She'd spent nearly all day in the infirmary getting a check-up and trying to convince Meredith to clear her for duty. She figured she'd grown on the nurse a little bit, or at least impressed her with her successful attempt at sneaking out, because Meredith actually offered her a smile when she'd left the infirmary not too long before. Peggy had been there with her, and they'd chatted with Meredith, swapping stories. As it turned out, Meredith had a family back home in America. She'd missed the birth of her first grandchild while she'd been overseas and though it upset her, once she and Peggy had gotten Meredith talking, the nurse had gushed about her kids and her family. Natasha thought that maybe that was part of the reason the woman not only cleared her for the mission tomorrow, but the reason she was so protective of her patients. Either way, Natasha was going so she didn't care too much about the why.

Peggy, during their hours in the hospital wing, had questioned and teased her constantly about Steve, until Natasha finally gave her some details about her night with him. It wasn't much, but by the end of it, she knew she was blushing profusely, which she never did. She was still so…giddy. It was an unfamiliar feeling, but a welcome one.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this happy," Peggy had told her earnestly. Natasha hadn't said much in return, but she didn't need to. She knew that Peggy could see it, plain as day. And Natasha could finally admit to herself that, yes, she couldn't remember a time when she'd been happier. It made her smile.

She was seated in between Steve and Peggy now, Bucky, Dum Dum, and Gabe across the table. The other Commandos—aside from Morita, who was still in the infirmary—were there too, chatting and laughing away.

"So, Cap," Dugan said, loud enough that the other conversations at their table quieted, but still discreetly enough that the other troops in the mess hall didn't turn and pay them any attention, "we, uh, heard that you slept in this morning."

Dum Dum wiggled his eyebrows, looking back and forth between them, a huge grin appearing beneath his mustache. The other Commandos laughed and snickered. Natasha was fighting her own smirk as she looked at Steve. His lips twitched into half a smile as he ignored Dugan and looked directly at Bucky. "Did you tell everyone what I said?"

Bucky held his hands up in surrender. "Hey, I had nothing to do with this."

The wink Bucky gave her when Steve wasn't looking told her that he had everything to do with it. She just shook her head and laughed quietly as the Commandos pestered Steve. He pretended to be annoyed, but before long he was laughing along with everyone else.

Natasha turned and looked at Peggy.

"Boys," Peggy muttered, though she was smiling, too, brown eyes warm and bright with amusement.

"Yeah," Natasha said, half to herself as Gabe drew Peggy's attention away. She pressed a little closer to Steve, meeting his gaze as he turned to look at her. His eyes were so full of adoration that Natasha's heart fluttered in her chest. The smile he gave her was nothing short of brilliant. "Boys."

-:-

Early October, 1944

Natasha giggled as Steve slipped an arm around her waist, tugged her into a corner and kissed her. She giggled. She'd already come to the conclusion months ago that Steve had pretty much changed her life for good but, god, it was still a shock sometimes the effect he had on her. She never thought, in a million years, that Captain America would make her giggle like a goddamn schoolgirl. But they'd been out in the field for the past week with barely a minute of alone time—which was fine given that they were fighting a war and they had responsibilities which meant they couldn't just sneak off whenever they felt like it—but…well, sue her. She was a woman, a human, and she had wants and desires. They'd gotten cleaned up, eaten something, and then debriefed Colonel Phillips, and shit she barely made it through that meeting. Clearly, Steve had been on the same page because here he was, pressing hot and heavy kisses into her mouth in the corner of some hallway for everyone to see.

"Steve, we should probably—"

"Yeah." He kissed her again, then laughed along with her. "Yeah, come on."

She took his hand and let him lead her back to his room. The second the door was shut, Steve was pulling her close, mouth slanting over hers. Natasha fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, his own hands slipping beneath hers, his skin hot against her own. They'd only gotten to be alone like this a couple times since that first night and they could hardly kiss properly they were both smiling so big.

Natasha finally succeeded in getting Steve's shirt undone and she pushed it off his shoulders, letting her hands roam over his exposed skin. He gripped her waist tighter, groaning against her mouth. Before Natasha could even open her mouth to ask to move to the bed, Steve was sliding an arm beneath her, lifting her up and laying her down on his mattress, his body covering hers in an instant. The heat from his skin was ridiculous, wrapping around her as he braced his arms on either side of her, kissing her mouth thoroughly. As he moved down her body in order to pull her shoes and pants off, Natasha could only imagine what she looked like. Her shirt was rucked up, exposing her stomach. Her hair was a mess, fanned out against the pillows, lips surely swollen from all Steve's kisses. Debauched pretty much covered it. She smiled, reaching for Steve as he kissed her now bare thighs. He had pulled off his own slacks and boots, leaving him in just his boxers, and her in not much more.

Steve moved back up her body, leaving small, slow kisses as he went. His mouth traced the line of her boring, standard-issue underwear, hands teasing at her thighs, then up her waist, to the hem of her shirt. Natasha sucked in a breath, heat pooling between her legs. He kissed her stomach next, hand against her hip as her back arched, holding her in place. In just a few weeks, Natasha was amazed at how much more confident Steve had gotten. He still blushed sometimes, still got flustered about being with her intimately, but the occurrences of that were few and far between now. He was a quick study, and that apparently applied in places other than the field.

Needing to touch more of him, Natasha tugged on his arm until he was hovering above her once again and pulled him down till she could kiss him. Still a little frantic, she kissed him hard, gripping his shoulders. He sighed against her mouth when she nudged his lips open with her own. Their hips were flush together and Natasha whimpered when she felt Steve's length press against the inside of her thigh. Then, impatient, her hands were moving, gripping his shoulders, then down his sides until the she reached the hem of his underwear.

Steve hummed against her lips, "Nat…Nat, wait."

She pulled back, scanning his face. He was panting lightly, as flushed and breathless as she was. "What's wrong? Did I—?"

"No, no," he said quickly, softly, pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth before pulling back again. "And I'm not trying to ruin the moment, I just…we haven't really talked about it, protection, I mean, and I just would hate for something to happen, now of all times. I mean not that something couldn't happen in the future if we wanted it to, and of course that's something that can be talked about at a later date, but I just…"

He was babbling and he trailed off as he really looked at her. She could barely meet his eyes. She knew they should talk about protection at some point, but she hadn't really thought about it until now. She hadn't had to think about it since she was eighteen. But Steve wouldn't know that so of course he would be concerned about her getting pregnant, during war time, no less. Natasha sucked in a breath, suddenly cold. She pushed lightly against his chest, and without word or explanation, Steve understood and leaned back, sitting up and moving away so she had room. She brought her knees up to her chest, still not meeting his eyes.

"Nat, I'm sorry," Steve said softly. "If I said something to hurt or offend you, that wasn't my intention. Really. I just…we haven't talked about any of this, and I don't want anything to happen that we're not ready for." Natasha stayed quiet, biting her lip, hating the way her eyes burned. Steve leaned towards her, and this time she looked at him. "Please, Nat, if I did or said something wrong, tell me."

Natasha shook her head, heart clenching in her chest. He didn't know. That was the thought that keep going through her mind. All that she'd told him about her past, she'd left out the graduation ceremony. Normally it wouldn't have bothered her, but soldiers so often talked about the girls they had back home, about how they were going to marry them as soon as the war was over if they hadn't already, how they were going to start families. Steve had never brought up kids or families or even getting married, but Natasha was afraid of how he would react if he did want one and found out that she couldn't give him that. And yet…in that moment, she wanted to tell him more than she'd ever wanted to tell anyone.

"It's not you," she said finally. She swallowed, met his gaze knowing that he could see the tears forming in her eyes. He moved closer to her, so he could grab her hands where they were wrapped around her knees. "I haven't brought up protection or pregnancy because I don't need to worry about that sort of thing anymore."

Steve's brow furrowed, confusion lining his face. She could practically see his mind working at the puzzle, trying to fit the pieces together, but something wasn't clicking. "What do you mean?"

Natasha took a deep breath and gave half a shrug. "I can't get pregnant, Steve."

She watched his face, noting the realization as it colored his features. But he didn't shove her away, didn't look at her with pity or scorn or disgust or any of the other dozens of emotions she'd expected when she finally told someone everything about her. Instead, he squeezed her hands. "Tell me."

Natasha's shoulders loosed some of their tension. She squeezed his hands back and took a deep breath, plunging right into it. "Um…in the Red Room, those of us who complete the training undergo a graduation ceremony of sorts. They sterilize us. It was the most efficient way to ensure that we weren't at risk when it came to…those kinds of missions, but it also guaranteed that the mission always came first." Steve was quiet and before he got the chance to say something, Natasha spoke again, the words coming out of her mouth in a rush. "I mean it happened when I was eighteen, so I've had time to accept that I won't have any children of my own, which is fine. Like you said, it's not exactly an ideal time to start a family anyway. I don't even know if I want one. And I…I was scared to bring it up because I didn't know if you wanted a family or not one day, which I know we haven't talked about, but…I wasn't sure how you would react, and I just—I just didn't want you to think there was something wrong with me—"

"Hey, hey," Steve soothed as her voice broke on the last words. Tears slipped silently down her cheeks and she frantically tried to rub them away as he tugged on her arms, pulling her onto his lap. It took a little maneuvering, but then her arms were wrapped around his neck, face buried in his shoulder. He rubbed a hand in between her shoulder blades for a minute, before leaning back, cupping her face in between his hands. "There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. And if you were afraid of how I'd react, you don't have to be. This doesn't change anything about the way I feel about you."

Natasha swallowed thickly. Just a few months ago, she would have struggled to find it within herself to believe him, but now, all it took was a glance to know that he was being completely earnest. A few more tears slid down her cheeks and Steve used his thumbs to brush them away.

"You are perfect," he whispered, and a quiet sob slipped from her mouth. "What they did to you…that is not your fault. And in no way does it make you any less of a woman, or less of a person. You are…" Steve took a breath, almost like he was overwhelmed by what he was going to say, "so beautiful. Just the way you are."

I love you. The words were right on the tip of her tongue, and yet, she still couldn't bring herself to say them. Not now, not yet. Not after what she'd just confessed. And somehow—god, how had she gotten so lucky?—Steve understood. He brushed away the remainder of her tears, and pulled her against his chest. His bare body was warm, and she gripped his arms, her sweaty palms sliding against his skin. A few more tears fell, mostly out of relief and happiness.

Natasha turned her head from where it was tucked against his shoulder and kissed his neck. "Thank you," she mumbled.

Steve's arms wrapped more tightly around her. He pressed his lips to her temple. It was the response that told her everything she needed to know. He understood, he was there for her, and they had all the time in the world. And in that moment she believed it. There was no rush to figure out anything, no rush to decide what they were, what their future was going to be like, if they wanted to get married or have a family or any of it. In that moment, it didn't even feel like there was a war raging on beyond the safety of their base.

So Natasha pulled back and she kissed him, soundly, sweetly. He kissed her back instantly, moving a hand up to brush the hair out of her face even as his other hand gripped her waist. Natasha shifted, laying back down and pulling him over her once again. For a moment, Steve just looked at her, eyes so full of yearning and adoration that Natasha's heart swelled in her chest. Right then, she knew without a doubt that she was in love with the man before her, even if she wasn't brave enough to say it out loud.

Steve kissed her again, stripped the rest of the clothes confining them. He made love to her, his artists' hands painting her like a canvas. He mapped her out with his fingers, pulling gasps and moans from her mouth as his touch covered her like the most vibrant of colors. Everything she saw as a flaw, all her scars and marks and bruises were painted over, blended in with the rest of her, so that what was red as the blood she was stained with was now blue, and what was black like the darkest corners of her head and heart and past were as glowing and beautiful as the rising sun, all yellows and pinks and purples, fleshed out by his mouth against her skin.

As she fell asleep in his arms, Natasha felt wholly and utterly beautiful.

-:-

Late November, 1944

They'd been out on the front for a month. When they finally rolled into base near the end of November after having spent the last four weeks up against Hydra and Nazi soldiers alike, they were all exhausted, dirty, and hungry. The number of Hydra bases was dwindling fast and the Nazi war machine was slowing down under the Allied advance, but there was still fighting to be done. Colonel Phillips had sent along a dozen men along with the Commandos and they'd only lost seven of those men, but the rest of them certainly hadn't gone unscathed. Gabe had been shot early on, but had snuck back almost a week before he was supposed to in order to join up with them again on the front lines. Morita, too, after he'd been released from the infirmary had joined them for the last three weeks of their mission. Natasha remembered how they all laughed a little bitterly after he'd made a joke about staying on base a little longer after he, Dum Dum, and Bucky had nearly gotten blown to pieces by Nazis when they'd been under attack in a small, mostly deserted village.

In that same village Natasha had been helping Steve get the remaining civilians out a crumbling building. She'd made it out with the last two women and turned around only to watch a shell hit the building. Her screaming had been muffled by the sound of one of the walls collapsing just as Steve was making his way out the front door. After they'd pushed the enemy back, they'd spent far too much time digging Steve out of the rubble. He'd been scraped up and bloody, with a dislocated shoulder and twisted ankle, but he'd had his shield, which probably saved his life. As dusty and filthy as he'd been, Natasha still had collapsed by his side as he'd laid upon the ground in order to catch his breath, kissing his mouth, salty with the tears she would have killed anyone for pointing out.

Steve had been a little slower with his injuries in the days following, but he'd healed quickly, and continued to lead them in their remaining weeks off base. He was fine by the time they made it back, but Colonel Phillips had made all of them—even Steve—go to the infirmary and get checked out. Afterwards, Natasha showered and changed, got a little something to eat from the mess hall, and then settled into her room in order to fill in her reports. Just as she was tucking her papers into a folder, eyelids heavy with exhaustion, there was a knock at her door.

"Come in," she called.

The knob clicked as it turned, and Steve appeared as he pushed the door open. Despite the tiredness that seemed embedded in her bones, Natasha found herself smiling. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as Steve shut the door and made his way over to her, bending down to kiss her softly.

Natasha hummed contentedly as he pulled back. "Hi."

Steve laughed softly. "Hi."

"The nurses give you the okay?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Aside from the fresh scrapes and bruises, nothing of concern. They said my ankle and shoulder were both working as they should be." He took a few steps back in order to take a seat on the edge of her bed. "Gave my report to the Colonel. Said he'd give us all tomorrow to rest, but then it looks like we might have some more orders coming in."

Natasha bobbed her head. "That's to be expected. With Hitler's forces out of Paris and the rest of his armies being pushed back more and more by the Allies, Phillips is gonna want to make sure that we put a stop to Hydra too."

"I know. And we will. Fortunately, though, we don't have to worry about that anymore tonight."

"Oh?" she said, raising an eyebrow.

Without a word, Steve grinned, standing up once again. He slid a hand into his pocket. "I have something for you."

Natasha stared at him, confused. She tried to say something, but nothing much came out. For a second, given the look on his face, the hand in pocket clearly grabbing something—she thought he was going to propose and she balked. The way she felt about Steve was something she'd never felt for anyone, but marriage—

"I'm not proposing, you know," Steve said soothingly, a soft smile on his face. She met his eyes. Her shoulders sagged, breath releasing in a whoosh as relief flooded her chest. How he seemed to be able to read her thoughts still blew her mind sometimes. Steve chuckled. "You just looked really panicked all the sudden, so I just want you to know that I'm not proposing."

Natasha swallowed and nodded. "Yeah. Sorry. I—yeah, go on."

He smiled and finally pulled his hand out of his pocket. He opened his palm and revealed the bracelet nestled inside. Her breath caught in her throat. She recognized it as the identification bracelets that had become a trend back in the States. Some of the women on base wore them, too, most often as token from their lovers. Maybe it should've been a little cliché, but somehow it didn't feel that way.

Wordlessly, Natasha picked it up, weighing it in her hand. The chain was made of heavier, more durable links, both it and the tag made of silver. Across the front of the tag, like most other that she'd seen, was her name, stamped into the metal.

"Flip it over," Steve prodded gently.

She did just that, revealing the black widow spider engraved on the back of the tag. Natasha took a breath. "Steve, I…I don't even know what to say. I love it. Thank you."

He smiled, pleased by her reaction. He gestured towards the bracelet. "May I?" she handed the bracelet to him, keeping her wrist out. He undid the little clasp and wound it around her wrist, fingers warm whenever they grazed her skin. Redoing the clasp, Steve slid his thumb once over her name where it was printed, before taking her hand into his. "Happy, birthday, Natasha."

Natasha was pretty sure she was more stunned by that statement than the gift. She hadn't even realized…the look on her face must've startled him, because his smile faltered.

"It's November 22nd, right?"

"Yes," she said quickly. "Yes. I'm sorry, I guess I just forgot…"

Steve cleared his throat. "I know the bracelet isn't much, but I wanted to get you a little something. We've talked with Phillips about signing you on officially, but it hasn't even been quite a year yet and Brushov is still out there, but I figured this was the closest thing to getting you your own dog tags—"

"Steve," she cut him off with a laugh, squeezing his hand, "It's okay. I love it."

"Yeah?"

Natasha leaned forward and brushed a soft kiss to his lips. "Yeah."

"Well good," he said after a moment, "because I've got something else for you."

"Steve, I really don't need anything else. I mean I wasn't even expecting this," she said, lifting her arm so the bracelet dangled around her wrist.

"It'll be fun, I promise." He stood, pulling her to her feet.

"Okay," she relented, fighting a smile as she let him guide her out of her room and through the halls.

It was late and base was mostly quiet, so Natasha was surprised when she heard chatter as they approached the mess hall. She didn't even get the chance to ask Steve what was going on before they stepped through the doorway and all their friends turned, big smiles on their faces, and greeted them loudly.

"Hey, Red!" Dum Dum stepped forward, grinning like a madman. "Happy birthday!"

Natasha was laughing as Dugan pulled her in for a hug. When he pulled back and decided to go dole out hugs to everyone else, she gave Steve an incredulous look. "A birthday party?"

He shrugged innocently. "Well, I wouldn't really call it a party. There's no cake or anything, but they all wanted to give you a little celebration. Plus, I think Dum Dum's got something better than cake."

He slipped a hand behind her, palm resting against the small of her back as they stepped over to the long table that the Commandos had occupied. The Commandos were out of their combat gear, but some of them still had knives and pistols strapped to their belts, ready at any moment to take new orders. From what Natasha could tell, though, none of them were really concerned with that. They were all smiling and laughing, carefree for the time being.

"So, Little Red," Dum Dum started, hands behind his back concealing something, "since it's your birthday, we all helped chip in to find you a little something special."

Natasha waited in anticipation as Dugan, of course, paused dramatically. Then from behind his back, he produced a bottle. It took Natasha a moment to figure out what it was before her jaw dropped. She stepped forward, gingerly taking it into her hands. The label was a little torn in a few spots, but she could still read the Russian font, boasting the name of the vodka. The seal was a little dirty but unbroken. Someone had even tied a shoelace around the neck of the bottle in an attempt at recreating a bow. "Where did you find this?"

Dum Dum shrugged. "Nazis may be bastards but I guess they have good taste in alcohol. We searched while we were out on the front these last weeks. Found it in one of those abandoned houses. A big one too."

"Borrowed a couple of the nice glasses from the kitchen and everything," Gabe said, leaning to the side so Natasha could see the glass tumblers laid out on the table behind him.

"Well, it would be rude of me not to share," she said. She broke the seal and opened the bottle, pouring it into the glass Peggy handed to her before passing the bottle along.

She gulped the contents of the glass down, and hummed in contentment. The alcohol burned down her throat and buzzed in her veins and felt a little bit like home for a moment. "You guys did good. Refill, please."

They chatted and passed the vodka around until there was only a third of the bottle left, wherein Natasha replaced the cap and set the bottle out of the reach of the Commandos. Turning to go back to the others, Bucky stopped her.

"Hey," he greeted with a smile.

She grinned at him. "Hey."

"Enjoying your party?"

Natasha looked at the bottle of vodka, then back at Bucky. "Very much so, yes."

He laughed, and it made her happy to see him so carefree. Everyone, in fact, was a little looser, so much less tense than they'd been the past few weeks in the field. Dum Dum was regaling Gabe and Morita with yet another one of his stories, Falsworth and Dernier were conversing at the end of the table, sharing a flask they'd scrounged up somewhere, Peggy and Steve were at the other end of the table, smiling and laughing and looking absolutely worry free.

"I have something for you," Bucky said, drawing her attention back to him.

"Oh, you really didn't have to get me anything, Bucky."

"Well, I promise I didn't go to too much trouble. I just may have mentioned you and your upcoming birthday to my mother in my last letter."

Natasha shook her head. "Why did everyone remember my birthday except me?"

"I promise I won't make such a big deal out of it next time," he joked, laughing.

She nudged his arm lightly. "Yeah, yeah. Keep laughing. Just give it to me already."

From inside his jacket he pulled out a folded piece of paper. Natasha could see writing and colors, but couldn't make out much more until he handed it to her, and her breath caught in her throat. Scrawled in big, messy, colorful letters on the front it said Happy Birthday, Natasha!

She couldn't remember the last time she'd gotten a card for her birthday. She had very vague recollections of celebrations before the fire, before her parents died. But that had been so long ago that she'd nearly forgotten what it was like to actually have people remember and care. She wanted to attribute the warm feeling in her chest to the alcohol, but looking at the card, she nearly had to bite down on her tongue to keep from crying.

"James," she breathed, opening it up to see an equally sweet message on the inside. Underneath what was clearly a message from the kids was a much neater message from what Natasha assumed to be Bucky's mother. At the bottom, they'd all signed their names—Rebecca, Frances, and Alice for the girls, Winnie for his mom.

Bucky shoved his hands in his pocket. "I've written about you a couple times, and so when I told my ma that your birthday was coming up, well, she said the girls wanted to do something nice. We can't really afford much, but they used the crayons at school and—"

"It's perfect," Natasha said quickly, meeting his eyes. She wondered briefly if he could see the tears starting to burn there. If he did, he didn't say anything. "I don't need anything else, this is…it's beautiful." She stepped towards him, wrapping her arms around him as she held the card firm. "Thank you," she whispered against his shoulder.

Bucky held onto her tight and she could almost hear him smile. "Happy birthday, Natasha."

-:-

Not too much later, after the exhaustion made itself present on everyone's faces again, did they all go their separate ways, everyone wishing her a happy birthday as they left. Bucky and Peggy were among the last to leave, and then it was just her and Steve. He carried what was left of her vodka, linking his other hand with hers. In her other hand, she held Bucky's card from his family and a chocolate bar that Peggy had somehow gotten a hold of and given to her. Natasha suspected that Colonel Phillips had a part to play, but Peggy hadn't said a word, all but confirming Natasha's suspicions.

Steve just laughed when she told him this, tucked against her in bed. "I think he likes you and is just too afraid to admit it."

She hummed softly in agreement. She could feel herself drifting off, and the hand he was using to absently draw circles on her back wasn't helping. She looked at the bracelet Steve had given her, still latched around her wrist. Once again, as if he knew exactly what she was thinking, he reached up with his other hand to touch the chain gently.

"Thank you," she murmured, tilting her chin up to look at him better. "For everything tonight."

"You're welcome," he said, equally quiet. Natasha leaned up and kissed him slowly. When she pulled back, she closed her eyes and tucked herself further into his side. As sleep started to overtake her, she felt Steve press a kiss to her temple, lips gentle as he murmured, "Happy birthday."

-:-

December, 1944

Come Christmas time, Hitler was making an effort to push through the Allied lines in the Ardennes Forest. News had flooded into base about the German offensive in Bastogne, and though some of it was exaggerated stories from a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy that fought there, the facts were pretty evident. The Allies were pushing back, but they'd taken heavy amounts of casualties before doing so. Hitler was getting desperate, as was Red Skull. They were getting close to figuring out the location to Schmidt's personal hideout, and Natasha knew that it was making everyone antsy, just waiting for the intel they needed from their spies before they could go out again.

"I wish we weren't just sitting here twiddlin' our thumbs," Bucky said one night close to the holidays when they had gathered in the war room. It was mostly empty at this time of night, save for the few secretaries and other personnel that were running files back and forth around base.

Natasha leaned back in her chair, twisting her bracelet around her wrist. "The Colonel said intel should be coming in tomorrow."

"I've already got the team prepared and transportation ready for when the orders come in," Steve added.

"Until then, I'm here to keep you company."

Natasha looked up and grinned when she saw Howard step into the room, stance causal with one hand in his pocket, another carrying a large briefcase, easy smile on his face.

"Did you miss me?" the scientist asked, smile growing beneath his mustache.

"Howard," Peggy said, getting out of her chair to give the man a hug. "It's so good to see you. How was New York?"

"Good, good." Howard nodded. Bucky clapped him on the back as he took a seat at the long table usually reserved for more formal meetings. Steve shook his hand, and then he turned and gave Natasha his famous Howard Stark smirk. "I was able to get a little more research done on the Tesseract particles we retrieved from Hydra's weapons. As well as working on a few other little projects before the good Colonel called me back here."

"What kind of projects?" Steve asked.

"Well," Howard said, lifting up his briefcase and setting it on the table in front of him. "I heard you guys were getting close to finding Red Skull's evil lair, so I figured I'd try out a few things that might help. Cap, I took the liberty of inspecting your shield. I shined it up a little bit and replaced the straps since they were getting a little worn down. Barnes, you will find a new, high-powered sniper rifle among your things,"

Bucky perked up at the mention of that and Howard smiled. "Ideal for piercing that thick Hydra armor," the scientist added before turning and looking at Natasha. "And for you, darling Natasha, I've got something special for you."

Howard started undoing the clasps on his briefcase and Natasha shot Steve a look. He shrugged, essentially telling her that he had no idea what to expect from the inventor either. Natasha watched as Stark carefully pulled out of his briefcase a sort of bracelet. She leaned forward in her chair to get a better look. It looked like a series of interconnected bullets, though it looked like only the top half of the cuff was completed.

"Here, put it on," Howard said, reaching it out to her.

"It's not gonna blow up in my face is it?"

"Now who gave you that idea?"

Steve shrugged, trying and failing to keep a smile off his face. Bucky outright laughed, and Peggy laid a hand on Howard's arm.

"Oh, don't mind them, Howard," Peggy soothed, her voice teasing, though Howard remained oblivious.

Natasha just smiled and moved the fabric of her long-sleeved tee up her arm, extending her wrist out to Howard. Teasing forgotten, his eyes lit up as he fastened the bracelet around her wrist. "It's still in the prototype phase, but the tests have been running pretty well so far," he explained. "And I apologize for the weight, I'm working on a way to make it lighter."

Natasha stood, moving her arm around to test the weight of it. "What does it do?"

"A couple different things," Stark said, adjusting the waistband of his trousers as he stood. "If you press the toggle on the top, it'll release a grappling line. I'm also working on making one of the compartments release toxic gas. There isn't any in it right now, of course. And then there's the best part, in my opinion. The electrical impulse. If you fist your hand, that will pull down the triggers on the glove, which should engage the charge. Once you hit your target, the charge should release, with no harm to you." Howard demonstrated with his own hands as he spoke, pointing at the gauntlet every once in a while to show her how it worked. "You could try it, though, I don't have any target for you to test it on."

She smirked at him playfully. "You're not offering?"

"Ah, no," Howard laughed, a tinge of nervousness to the sound, like he thought she might actually try something. "I've run the tests. At full power it's enough to kill. I have it on the lowest setting right now, for safety reasons."

Natasha nodded, testing it. She clenched her hand into a fist, feeling the triggers pull as she tightened her fingers, like Howard had described. The gauntlet hummed with power. She had to admit, it was pretty neat. She could only imagine what it would do fully charged once she made contact with a target.

"The tests have been going pretty well, like I said, but give me a few more weeks and I'll have a first model for you to try that will be field ready," Howard said.

Natasha unclenched her fist, deactivating the electrical pulse with a soft click. She slipped the gauntlet off and handed it back to Howard, who took it and shut it back into his briefcase. As he locked the case, he looked over his shoulder at her.

"I do recommend, with the electric pulse, being careful around those fancy Tesseract weapons Hydra has. I doubt it would be good if you made direct contact with Tesseract energy." He made a face and paused like he was thinking about it, and Natasha exchanged a look with Steve who just tilted his head. Howard turned and pointed at her. "Oh, and if you come up with any good names for it, let me know. I've been thinking Widow's Bite, but who knows what I come up with later."

"Widow's Bite, huh?" she asked, going to stand next to Steve's chair, setting a hand on his shoulder. He covered it with his own, smiling up at her.

Howard cocked his head at her, mouth curling up into a slow smile.

Natasha shrugged, returning the smile. "You know, it's not half bad."

-:-

January, 1945

Natasha was pretty sure she would never be warm again. Her limbs were locked, stiff from the cold. Snow had started to fall about half an hour ago, and the fluffy flakes gathered on her hair, her shoulders. The cheery mood around the campfire helped take her mind off it a little bit. That and being seated in between Steve and Bucky. Steve was a furnace all on his own, and she pressed closer to his side, her breath billowing in front of her face.

They'd finally gotten a lead on Zola after stealing a Hydra radio two weeks ago on a mission, shortly after the New Year had been rung in. They were currently freezing their asses off somewhere in the Alps, waiting until morning when they would hopefully be intercepting a train that Zola was supposed to be on. Either way, they were all pretty eager. This was the most solid lead they'd gotten in weeks, and if they could bring Zola in, that meant they were that much closer to bringing down Schmidt himself. They'd been helping the Allies on the front lines in the meantime, but it was good to be back with just the Commandos, hunting down the last of Hydra.

Steve's body shook against her as he laughed. At the moment, Dum Dum and Gabe were enrapturing everyone with a story. Natasha was having a hard time focusing because she was so goddamn cold, but she looked up in time to see Dum Dum gesturing wildly with his hands, catching the tail-end of whatever he was recounting, and she smiled.

Just as she started to get more comfortable, Steve shifted and pressed a kiss to her temple. "I should go check on the watch, make sure Morita and Falsworth are doing okay," he murmured against her hair.

Natasha made a face. "Leaving me here all alone in the cold?"

Steve chuckled, kissed her nose, smirk curling up the corners of his mouth as he pulled away. "I'll make it up to you later."

"I'll hold you to that," she said sternly.

He grinned. "I know." He stood and stepped away, heading towards the perimeter they'd set up around camp. Natasha immediately missed the warmth of his body and tucked her arms against her chest.

"I thought you were from Russia," Bucky quipped from her other side. "Aren't you supposed to not get cold?"

"Ass," she muttered, giving him a half-hearted glare. He just laughed, head tipping back a little. When he looked back at her, he lifted an arm. An invitation. After a moment's hesitation she scooted closer, pressing herself into his side. As Bucky wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she rested her head against his chest, she couldn't help but be reminded of France, all those months ago, when they'd been in a similar position. That had been on the very front lines of the war and, admittedly, it had been terrifying. She was a little nervous now, but it was like that before every mission they went on. They were still in the middle of a war, and anything could happen. But right now, tucked away in their little clearing around the concealed campfire, laughing and telling stories like there was nothing wrong in the world, any worries she had disappeared.

She leaned a little closer to Bucky. "I bet if you nailed Dum Dum hard enough with a snowball he'd fall right off his log."

A downright boyish smile appeared on Bucky's face in an instant. "You are so on."

He reached with his right hand and gathered up some snow. It took him a minute to pack it firmly enough. Natasha leaned to the side so Bucky could get into a better position to throw it. Dum Dum was laughing boisterously, probably at his own joke, head thrown back, hands clutching at his abdomen. Dernier said something in French that had Gabe laughing harder than he had been before.

"Hey, Dugan, think fast!" Bucky called as he stood.

Dum Dum looked up just in time to get a snowball to the face. Startled, he did indeed topple sideways off his log into the snowdrift behind him. Natasha burst into laughter the same time as Bucky. Gabe looked like he was wiping tears from his eyes on the other side of the campfire. When Dum Dum recovered, he stood and hopped over the downed tree. He brushed snow off his bowler cap and then put it back on his head.

Dugan was grinning huge as he started making his way towards her and Bucky. "Oh, you are so gonna get it, Barnes."

Natasha watched as Dugan chased after Bucky, Bucky sliding a little on the snow as he moved quickly to avoid getting tackled. She couldn't wipe the huge smile off her face if she tried, watching with Gabe and Dernier as Bucky and Dum Dum dashed around their little campsite, throwing snow at each other and laughing. Gabe started throwing a few snowballs as well, pelting the other two men in the back. Natasha packed one of her own into her hands and threw it, catching Bucky in the side of the head.

He cried out, stumbling, laughing and wiping snow off his face as Dum Dum nearly caught up to him. "Nat! Whose side are you on?"

She just shrugged, giggling as Dum Dum got a hold of Bucky's jacket and tackled him into the snow three feet away from her. They scuffled around for a few minutes, taking turns shoving each other's face into the snow, before splitting apart and falling onto their backs. Natasha shook her head, grinning. Bucky and Dum Dum were both breathing hard, and it was another minute before they both sat up.

Just then, Natasha spotted Steve walking back from the perimeter, still a little ways back behind Gabe and Dernier. She shot Bucky a quick glance, and then nodded in Steve's direction. Bucky turned to see where she was looking, then smiled mischievously, already packing together a snowball. He waited until Steve was a little closer so as not to startle him too badly, and then as Steve stepped into the light of the fire, Bucky lobbed the snowball at his best friend's head. Steve saw it coming a split second before it hit him, but it wasn't quite soon enough, and Natasha watched as a good chunk of it caught him right in the face.

They all burst into fresh fits of laughter then. Even Steve, surprised as he was, started smiling, looking straight to Bucky.

Bucky shook his head, pointing at her. "It was Nat."

She gaped at him, then looked back at Steve with faux seriousness written all over her face. "I would never!"

Steve just laughed before turning on Bucky. "Just remember, Buck, you started it."

"Oh, shit—" Bucky was back on his feet in a matter of seconds, and it started back up again.

Dum Dum came and sat by her, still brushing snow off himself. As Natasha watched Steve and Bucky run around, throwing well-aimed snowballs at each other, she could easily see the two of them as boys, chasing each other up and down the streets of Brooklyn. She smiled softly, and it must have caught Steve's attention long enough, because he paused to look at her. His hair was damp from the snow and from running around, his cheeks slightly red from the cold. The adoration in his eyes was enough to make her forget how to breathe for a moment.

The moment lasted just long enough for Bucky to land another snowball right in Steve's face right before tackling him. They went down laughing. Bucky shoved one more wad of snow at Steve, before Steve pushed him off. Bucky rolled and stood, reaching a hand out and helping Steve to his feet.

"I may have started and ended that fight," Bucky said proudly, before glancing over at her, "but this was all her idea."

Steve turned in her direction. "Oh, really?"

Natasha met his gaze evenly. "You can't prove anything."

He made his way over to her, grabbing her hands and pulling her to her feet. "I'm sure I could find ways to make you talk."

He was giving her that smug little smirk of his, and she just shook her head at him. She leaned up, no more than an inch or two from being able to kiss him. "Shame, too," she whispered, "because I've got next watch."

He chuckled as she pulled out of his grasp, and walked over Dum Dum, looping her arm through his when he stood. "Come on, Dugan."

She cast one more smile over her shoulder at Steve as she and Dum Dum headed towards the perimeter to relieve Morita and Falsworth. Steve smiled right back.

-:-

When Natasha got back to the tent she was sharing with Steve and Bucky, she was freezing again. Bucky was sleeping, but she wasn't too surprised to see Steve awake, a lantern casting a glow over everything, map and some other papers laid out in front of him.

She kicked off her boots and set them by the entrance to the tent, before going and crouching by Bucky's side. She gently touched his shoulder. "Bucky," she whispered, and he groaned, shifting on his bedroll. "Bucky, it's your watch."

It took him another minute, but then he was up, pulling on his jacket and boots, strapping his rifle across his back, and heading out of the tent with a blearily mumbled good-bye. Natasha shrugged off her damp jacket and set it near her boots. Steve had folded up his map and tucked his other papers into his pack. He watched her quietly as she made her way over to him, sitting down in front of him, bringing her knees up to her chest to try and warm herself up.

"Hey," he greeted her softly. "How was watch?"

"Good. Quiet."

He nodded. He'd taken off the top part of his Captain America uniform, so now he was just wearing his pants and a long-sleeved shirt. His hair had dried since his tussle with Bucky out in the snow. He pushed it out of his face as he met her eyes.

"You should get some sleep before your watch," she told him.

"Yeah, I know. I just wanted to go over everything again, make sure that it's air-tight."

Natasha reached for his hand, squeezing his fingers lightly. "The plan will work just fine. They always do."

He exhaled slowly, though he didn't look fully convinced. There was still a hint of worry beneath the blue of his eyes. Wordlessly, Natasha stood and leaned towards him, bracing her arms against his shoulders as she swung a leg over his and lowered herself onto his lap. Steve's gaze was locked on hers, hands reaching for her automatically as he watched her every move. When she cupped his face in between her hands, he startled.

Quickly recovering, he lifted his own hands and placed them over hers, his skin hot to the touch. "Your hands are freezing," he whispered, his face just an inch or two from hers. "Are you still cold?"

She figured the answer was pretty obvious, but he was sweet to have asked, so Natasha nodded. "Yeah."

"Here." Steve dropped his hands so he could reach behind him and grab his leather jacket. He brought it around her and she slipped her arms into the sleeves. The extra layer warmed her, the smell of it—of him—soothed her. She relaxed and eased her body closer to his.

"Hmm," Steve hummed, playful smile forming on his lips.

"What?"

He met her eyes, smirking. "I think it looks better on you. You should keep it."

Natasha shook her head and laughed softly. "It's yours, I can't just take it."

"I don't even use it that much. The serum keeps my body temp pretty regulated so it takes a lot for me to get cold," he insisted. His hands made their way down to her waist, slipping under the jacket, under her shirt. His hands were like fire against her still chilled skin. This time when he spoke, his voice was no more than a whisper, "Keep it."

Natasha wound her arms around his neck, fingers gently running through the hair at the back of head. She pressed her lips briefly to his and pulled back, resting their foreheads together. "Okay." His thumbs were rubbing absently at her waist, and though she wanted to kiss him again, pull him closer, she could also feel herself shutting down. He needed sleep, too, since he'd be on watch after Bucky. "We should get some rest."

"Yeah," he murmured, pressing one more gentle kiss to her lips before he maneuvered them down onto his bedroll, pulling the blanket over them.

With his leather jacket and his body heat, Natasha was perfectly warm under the blanket as Steve wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. For some reason, she didn't know if it was the jacket, or the quiet inside the tent, or the fact that she felt incredibly safe, but Natasha could feel the 'I love you' sitting on her tongue. It was right there, but before she could work up the courage to say it aloud, her eyes fluttered closed and she fell asleep.

-:-

Natasha woke with a start, eyes snapping open as she sat up. Looking around, she realized that she was still in the tent, and not very much time must have passed since she fell asleep because the lamp was still on, and Steve was still next to her. Checking the watch she kept with her gear, she saw that only two hours had passed. Bucky and Dernier would be on watch for another hour, at least. Running a hand through her hair, she grabbed her canteen and swallowed a couple mouthfuls of water. Screwing the cap back on, she looked over at Steve. He had stirred a little, but he was still again, his chest rising and falling gently. He looked so peaceful. Young, too. Almost boyish. His lips were parted just so, long lashes fluttering ever so slightly. Natasha reached over and carefully pushed his hair back from his forehead.

Smiling, she was just about to lay back down when Steve shifted beside her, arm reaching out. "Nat?"

"Hey," she whispered, watching as he sat up, blinking a couple times to clear the sleep from his vision.

"Hey," he echoed, voice rough. He looked at her more closely and his brow furrowed. "You okay?"

The moment he asked, she suddenly was. She felt fine. Great, even. Wide awake and not even worrying about whatever dreams had woken her. She nodded. "I'm good."

She found herself just staring at him, mouth curving into a smile. He seemed a little confused, but then he was smiling too.

"What?" he laughed. "Do I have something on my face?"

"No," she giggled. The words were sitting right there again. I love you. She could feel it, building up in her chest, heart thudding against her ribcage. Steve just waited, patient, hand reaching for hers.

"I—" she faltered, swallowed, and tried again. "I love you."

There was no lead up, nothing special about being here in this tent in the middle of winter with a war raging on around them. Natasha thought she would've been more nervous, but she wasn't. The second she said it a weight lifted off her chest, and she suddenly felt lighter. She immediately wanted to say it again, over and over until she wore the words out, and then still again after that. Steve's expression made it all the more worth it. It took a moment, but then the shock disappeared from his face. His eyes brightened, lips parted, hands sliding on her waist and pulling her close as he scanned her face.

He leaned in and kissed her, soft and gentle, slowly warming her head to toe. When he pulled back, his voice was barely above a whisper, "I love you, too."

Natasha smiled huge, her stomach a knotted mess of butterflies. She gave him one more chaste kiss, then let out a shaky breath. "I should've said it before now. I guess I was scared of what might happen if I did." She bit her lip. "The last person I said I love you to…he died. And I…"

"It's okay," Steve soothed, lifting a hand to her cheek. "You can tell me if you want. Or not. It's your choice."

She hesitated. She almost backed down, but…but she wanted to tell him. Natasha licked her lips, and took a deep breath. "His name was Alexei Shostakov." Just those words were almost enough to knock the breath out of her. She hadn't said his name in so long…But Steve deserved to know. "He was the son of my first client. Alexei's father owned a ballet studio and Brushov sent me in undercover as a dancer in the troupe. I was supposed to get close to Alexei, and eventually get close to his father so I could take him out."

"What happened?"

She shrugged one shoulder. "We fell in love. I was eighteen and naïve and…he was the first person in a long time to treat me like a human. Even after I told him who I really was and why I was there. His father wasn't exactly an innocent man, but still, Alexei was never angry at me." Tears pricked at her eyes, but she refused to wipe them away. Steve moved impossibly closer, taking one of her hands into his, thumb smoothing across her skin, fingers bumping against her bracelet. "He was such a gentleman. He was kind and gentle and he made me feel like just a girl.

"One night, before one of the shows, he brought all the dancers flowers." She smiled a little at the memory. "My bouquet was the biggest, and I knew that was his way of saying that the flowers were just for me, and he only brought them for the other girls so it wasn't so obvious."

"Sounds like he loved you a lot," Steve said. There was no jealously in his tone, no bitterness or anger, just honest observation.

She met his eyes, squeezing his hand. "He did. He was good to me. Falling in love with him…that was the worst thing I could've done. I forgot about my mission, kept giving Brushov false reports so I could stay longer. I was still afraid we would get caught, but Alexei—he was so sweet—he just kept telling me that it would all work out, that he had a plan. And I believed him." She paused, trying to push down on the emotion rising in her chest. A couple tears slipped down her cheeks and Steve lifted his other hand to wipe them away. She lifted her head and smiled at him softly.

Taking a deep breath, Natasha pushed on. "Brushov started getting tired of waiting, so he gave me until the end of the week to kill Alexei's father. I told Alexei and that night he snuck me out. We went to the place where we usually met up, and…he proposed."

Steve's eyes widened slightly in surprise. "What did you say?"

She smiled a little nervously. "I said yes. I was so excited. He told me he wanted to run away with me. Away from his father, away from the Red Room and Brushov. He said he'd have everything together by the end of the week, and when Brushov came to collect me, we'd already be gone. And I agreed."

She stopped, remembering exactly what came next. Steve could tell she was struggling, but he just held her hand and waited patiently for her to continue.

"At the end of the week," she started, trying hard to keep voice level, "Alexei was supposed to meet me at our spot, but when I got there he wasn't there. So I waited. I was so scared. Something was wrong, I knew that much. Around midnight, I finally heard footsteps, but it wasn't Alexei."

"Brushov," Steve said, voice low and tinged with anger. Part of her hoped that Steve never met Brushov. She knew exactly what both men were capable of, and she feared what would happen if they were ever in the same room together.

Natasha nodded. "Yeah. I knew then that we'd been caught. Brushov didn't even have to say anything. He just grabbed my arm and dragged me back to the school, onto the stage." Her eyes blurred with fresh tears. "Alexei was there, strapped to a chair. His father was on the ground, bullet hole between his eyes. Alexei, he…he was so scared. He kept calling my name and…and when he said he loved me that's when Brushov's men started beating him."

"God," Steve whispered under his breath.

"They tortured him all night and made me watch. They weren't even trying to get information out of him, it was all just to punish me." Her throat felt tight, more tears falling down her face. "They took him out back and killed him. Buried him in a shallow grave. Then it was just me and Brushov alone on that stage. His punishment was not kind. I'm lucky he didn't kill me, too, but I was still his favorite. And I was the best, not even he could deny that. Still, he didn't trust me quite the same after that night."

She stared down at her hand, still twined together with Steve's, and felt a little surge of pride. Brushov still scared her, and she feared what would happen if he ever met Steve, but right now, this was something he couldn't take away from her. "After that night I dedicated myself, pushed myself to be even better than I was. I thought I'd put myself back in Brushov's favor, but I guess not, considering he tried to blow me up." She looked up as Steve chuckled. The adoration in his eyes was enough to knock the breath from her. "I promised myself never to fall in love again after that night. That didn't exactly work either, but…I wouldn't change it for a second."

Her voice had dropped low. Steve was just looking at her, like she'd pulled the moon out of the sky and placed it in his open and waiting palms. Never again did she think someone would look at her like that. And never again did she think she would feel something so strongly for the person who did. Alexei had gotten far worse than he'd deserved that night. By the end of the beatings and torture, there was hardly a patch of his skin that hadn't been covered in his own blood. He'd passed out a couple times, and she distinctly remembered the sharp, biting laughter of Brushov's men. Brushov, who had stood silent and still as stone over her all night, making her watch as Alexei had been turned into a bloody, messy pulp. A fraction of the boy who'd brought her flowers and made love to her beneath a starry sky, while they'd tried not to look over their shoulders too much, who had shamelessly, bravely whispered I love you's into her skin until she finally said it back.

When they buried him, when Brushov beat her until she promised never to love again…a part of her had died that night too. Or at least, she thought so. She'd lost all her belief in love, all her desire for it buried in the ground by that ballet studio. That is until she met Steve. Steve, who was so beautiful and bright and kind, who had pulled her from the fire and saved her life in more ways than one. He'd helped her find her find her humanity again, that part of her she thought she'd lost the night Alexei died.

"I love you," she whispered. "And I'm sorry I waited so long to say it."

He shook his head, a soft smile on his face. "It's okay." His fingers touched the edge of her bracelet again. "Thank you for telling me all of this. I'm sorry it happened to you. No one should have to go through that."

For what felt like the hundredth time that night, tears sprung to Natasha's eyes. She lifted her other hand and wiped them quickly away. "I'm not used to this," she admitted, "having people care about me. Love me. And I'm definitely not used to feeling the same way. It's just been so long, that I've forgotten, but you deserve to know how I feel about you."

Steve kissed her then. She leaned into him, finger hooking around the chain of his dog tags where it had fallen from his shirt while he'd slept. She pulled him close, lips parting against his, a soft noise escaping from the back of her throat. Steve's hand, which had been holding hers, trailed up her arm, over her shoulder, until he was cupping her cheek in his hand. Natasha moved then. Steve sat up straighter and she swung a leg over his, pressing their hips flush together. She was breathless, dizzy with desire. But they were also in a tent, in the middle of winter, camped with the other Commandos close by. Natasha pulled back slightly, looking down at Steve's open and slightly confused face.

"You okay?" he asked, sounding just as out of breath as she was, leaning back a fraction of an inch, ready to give her space if that's what she needed.

"Yeah, yeah," she said quickly. "I just…it's almost time for your watch and the other guys' tents are not that far away from ours. I don't know if we'll be able to live it down if they hear us going at it."

Steve chuckled, pressed a quick kiss to the tip of her nose. "Let them hear." He kissed her again, and she almost couldn't kiss him back because now she was laughing. "Besides, I said I'd make it up to you later for leaving you out in the cold."

She ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, and she couldn't help but think how similar this was to their earlier position. She hummed as he kissed her jaw, then her neck. "Mm, I guess you did."

He grinned devilishly, and before she knew it, he was wrapping his arms around her waist and turning them over so she was on her back, his warm body hovering over hers. She smiled, pulling him down to kiss him over and over until they were both breathing harder than before.

She was still in the jacket he'd given her, and though she'd been grateful for it earlier, now she was practically overheating. It took a little bit of wiggling and a lot more laughter from both of them, but pretty soon she'd gotten her arms untangled from the sleeves and she was tossing the jacket somewhere next to her. Steve's shirt was next. She ran her hands over the hardened muscles of chest and abdomen, sighing his name as he pressed more soft kisses to her neck.

He started moving down then, his hands hot against her skin as he pushed up the hem of her shirt, fingers dancing over her scars before pressing a kiss to any he could reach. Then his lips were moving right above the waistband of her pants and she was arching her back at his touch.

"Steve," she whispered, still trying to keep quiet.

She swore she felt him smirk against her skin, and she nearly scolded him, but then his fingers were working on the buttons of her pants and she shut up. She wanted all her clothes—and his—off, but this was risky enough as it was, and the last thing they needed was to be completely naked if some kind of emergency were to happen. Natasha left her shirt on, and Steve yanked her pants down her legs, shoving the garment to the side once her feet were untangled. She clutched the edge of the bedroll as Steve started leaving a trail of kisses up her legs. She sighed as his lips latched onto a spot on her inner thigh. He moved higher then, dangerously close to the apex of her thighs, before he kissed her stomach, and then pulled her underwear off too.

Natasha reached for his belt before he could do anything else. Her fingers fumbled with the buckle as she impatiently tried to get it undone. She nearly laughed as she finally managed to undo the clasp. She had barely shoved his pants down to his knees before Steve was leaning back over her, covering her mouth with his. He slowed down for a moment, kissing her thoroughly.

"I wish I could take my time with you," he murmured against her mouth, nipping at her bottom lip.

"You'll just have to make it up to me later, right?" she teased, sliding her hands down his sides and pulling his hips towards hers. Despite their state of undress, the fact that he was pressed hard against her inner thigh, Steve pulled back just enough to look her in the eye, and it was the most intimate thing she'd ever experienced.

His thumb brushed across her cheek, swept her slightly sweat-damp hair back from her face. "I love you." The words were a breath against her skin, his mouth so temptingly close to her own.

She kissed him once, twice, "I love you, too."

Another moment of slow kisses before he was pushing inside her. Natasha gasped against his mouth, her hands sliding around him, up over his shoulders, trying to find some purchase without digging her short nails in too hard. He started slow, steadily pulling out before pushing back in, over and over until he gradually picked up speed. Natasha nearly swatted him on the arm because fuck. How the hell was she was supposed to stay quiet when it felt this good? She clutched his shoulders, moved a hand around the back of his neck so she could pull him down for another kiss, if only to muffle the moans he was drawing from her.

"Steve," she sighed, her voice hoarse. Her heart was pounding, familiar tingle of heat making its way down her spine. "Steve."

He kissed her again, his thrusts coming a little quicker, air rattling a little unsteadily from his lungs as their breaths mingled. Natasha was holding onto him tighter than ever. She was breathing hard, trying to stay quiet even as it felt like she was burning up.

"Steve, I—" Natasha cut off in a low moan, back arching as he reached a hand between them, stroking over her clit, rubbing small circles. A few more seconds and she was trembling with release, Steve falling over the edge seconds later. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, pressing soft kisses against her skin.

They lay there for a few moments, trying to catch their breaths. Natasha ran her fingers through the damp hair at the nape of his neck as her pulse slowed. When Steve pulled back to look at her, she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. He laughed a little, pressing a languid kiss to her lips.

"You warm now?" he asked teasingly.

"Mm," she hummed, reaching up to push his hair back from his forehead. "Delightfully so."

He gave her another soft kiss. "I wish I didn't have to leave."

"Well, too bad." She smiled, giving him a little push.

Steve laughed, but he sat up, pulling his pants back up and buckling his belt. Natasha started redressing as well while Steve looked for his shirt. She found it first, handing it to him the same time as he dangled her underwear off his finger. "I believe these are yours," he said with a smirk. She snatched the garment away, shaking her head and trying hard not to laugh. She failed, laughing as she balled up his shirt and threw it at him. He caught it easily and tugged it over his head as Natasha pulled her underwear and pants back on, wriggling her toes in her socks to try and keep them warm.

Natasha sat up and started straightening her shirt just as Bucky came back into the tent, dusted with snow, cheeks red from the cold. He shut the tent flaps behind them and turned towards them. "Hey—" he stopped short, looking them over. His eyes rolled so fast Natasha was sure they would fall right out of his head. "Jesus fucking Christ you two, you couldn't keep your hands off each other for one night?"

"Shh," Natasha hissed as she found Steve's leather jacket and tugged it on. "We're trying not to wake everyone up." She was being serious, but she was also trying not to laugh again. She caught Steve's eye and saw he was trying to do the same.

Bucky plopped down on his bedroll, noting the exchange. "You two are fucking ridiculous, you know that?"

Natasha just shrugged, curling up onto Steve's bedroll and tugging the blanket over her. She watched as Steve finished suiting up while Bucky settled in for a couple hours of sleep. Steve bent down and kissed her forehead.

"I'll be back in a couple hours," he told her. He stood and looked at Bucky. "See ya, Buck."

"Yeah, whatever, punk," Bucky called after a grinning Steve as he left the tent. "Try to keep it in your pants this time! Wouldn't want anything to freeze off!"

Steve flipped off his friend, then disappeared, sealing the tent flaps behind him. Natasha just laughed softly, settling in. She turned on her side, looking at Bucky. "Sorry, Bucky." She was still teasing him just a little, but she was also being serious.

He shook his head again, but she could tell he wasn't really mad as he looked at her. "It's all right, Nat. Knowing you two, it probably won't be the last time," he chuckled and she smiled at him.

She paused, licking her lips. Bucky was pretty much her best friend, and told him almost everything. She wanted to tell him this, too. After all, he was the one who told her all those months ago not to hold back. "I told Steve I loved him."

Bucky blinked, then his mouth curved up into a gentle smile. "I'm glad. You two are still disgustingly, nauseatingly cute, but I'm glad." He gave her a look when he saw her smiling again. "What?"

"I just…" she couldn't keep the grin off her face. "I never thought I'd be cute with someone. I guess it's one of those things I never thought of, that I was never exposed to because of—well, because of everything in my past."

There was a pause, the air in the tent growing just a little bit heavier, settling on Natasha's chest as Bucky looked at her, no smile on his face. A gentle, but fierce protective glow sparked in his blue eyes. "You didn't deserve any of it, you know. What they did to you, you didn't deserve to go through it."

"I know." She exhaled slowly. "Or at least I think I know. You and Steve and Peggy, you keep telling me that, that I didn't deserve it. I'm trying to believe it, and for the most part I do, really." She turned onto her back, not looking at him. "But for so long they made me feel responsible. If I did poorly, if I wasn't good enough, they made me believe that it was my fault. So I'm trying, but I think it's still gonna take a long time for me to fully accept it. Having you—all of you—in my life helps." She turned to look at him again. It was one of the most honest conversations she'd ever had with someone, the first time she'd ever really opened up about this particular subject. she didn't really know where this whole confession had come from, but she felt lighter for it.

"I think I understand," Bucky said after a moment.

"I really hope you never fully understand," she told him softly. "Because that would mean you were in a situation like mine, and I don't ever want something like that to happen to you."

Another moment of silence, and then he slowly grinned. "Is that your way of saying you love me too, Romanoff?"

She smiled too. "Sure, Barnes."

He laughed, and then put turned off the lamp still lit between their bedrolls. In the dark he spoke softly, "Goodnight, Natasha."

"Goodnight, Bucky."

-:-

Bucky blamed Zola for the knot in his stomach. Since he'd been shipped out, he'd gotten plenty of bad feelings about whichever situation he happened to be in at the time. Azzano had probably been the last really bad feeling he'd gotten. He distinctly remembered the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end, the way his gut twisted, even before he and the others had seen the massive Hydra tank crawling out of the distance.

This morning, that feeling had been the same one in Azzano, except magnified. His stomach was a tangled mess of knots, nausea sitting in the back of his throat when he woke up. He'd rolled over and seen Natasha already gathering up her things. He composed himself before she could tell something was wrong. He didn't know if he could handle her questioning him right now, because he had no doubt that everything would spill out of his mouth. It was just Zola. That's all that was bothering him.

It had been over a year since he'd last seen the doctor, but he still sharply remembered the first time he'd encountered him. It had been two days after he and the 107th had been captured and brought into enemy territory, to that awful weapons factory. He and two dozen other healthy men had been lined up and inspected, prodded and measured. He still squirmed when he thought of the way Zola's eyes lit up when he'd seen Bucky. Yes, the doctor had said, this one will do marvelously.

After that it had been a blur of experiments. More poking and prodding, hours, weeks spent on that cold examination table. Bucky remembered screaming sometimes. He didn't want to remember the in-between time. That is, until Steve rescued him. That, too, had felt like a dream at first. But then Steve had touched him, held onto him a lot more kindly than Zola or any of the other scientists who had stripped him down and used him.

Zola couldn't hurt him anymore. That's what he had to keep reminding himself of. He focused on packing up his things, and then grabbing rations out of his pack. He exited the tent and found Natasha sitting by the dead campfire, looking about as miserable and cold as she had last night. Steve was talking to Gabe about the Hydra communications and the other Commandos were milling around, eating their own rations, packing up, or trying to keep warm by moving around.

"Hey," he greeted Natasha as he sat down next to her.

"Hey," she echoed, scooting a little closer to him for warmth and she chewed on her own cold rations.

He knew they couldn't risk the smoke from a fire but, damn, was it cold. Being out in the cold made Bucky think of a moment last year, just a few months after Natasha had been brought to base. They'd set up camp the night before infiltrating a Hydra base, and she'd taken off her boots and her socks and danced ballet barefoot in the snow. Bucky knew that up until that point he had been trying his best to ignore her. He'd been polite to her, but still, he'd been trying his damndest not to get attached to her. But that night, she'd revealed another little part of her, so effortlessly and gracefully, acting like it was no big deal after the fact. He should've known then that he was screwed, that she was going to wiggle her way into his life, right next to Steve, and it would be impossible to get her out.

Thinking back on it, that was one of the first nights he'd actually allowed himself to get close to her, not counting some of their first, angry confrontations, of course. Her touch, her warmth, the teasing light in her eyes, it had reminded him a little of Steve. Maybe he was just doomed to fall in love with people he could never have. He wasn't even sure if that's what this was. Love. But no other word felt strong enough. He would gladly die for either of them.

Bucky looked at Natasha now, at the slight frown on her face as she sat huddled against his side. "Hey, remember that time last winter when you took your shoes off and danced barefoot in the snow?" Bucky said around his mouthful of cold breakfast, teasing her once again about being cold. She glared at him. Oh yeah, the cold was definitely making her grumpy. "What happened to toughing out those Russian winters?"

"First of all, that was in April. It was the end of winter. Practically spring. Second…" she blanked, and Bucky raised an eyebrow at her. She went back to glaring at him. "Oh, shut up. Like you're not cold."

He just laughed and finished the last of his breakfast. A moment later Steve was calling for them to finish breaking camp, so they could start making their way to the ridge to wait for Zola's train. Just as they were about to head out, that bad feeling started creeping up his spine again. He caught sight of Steve across the clearing.

"Nat." He turned towards her, gently touching her arm to guide her just out of earshot.

"What is it?" she asked. He could tell she was concerned, but trying not to show it. They were still out in the open.

"I just, um," he blew out a breath, avoiding her gaze. "Look, it's nothing, really. I just need you to promise me something."

Natasha looked at him warily, taking a step closer. "Bucky, what's wrong?"

"If something were to ever happen to me, I need you to look after Steve. Protect him." The words came out in a rush before he could overthink it and chicken out.

Natasha blinked, her features slackening in surprise. "James, what—? Look at me. Why are you asking me this? Nothing's going to happen to you, you know that, right?"

"I know, I know," he said, meeting her eyes. "I'm sure the mission is gonna go smoothly. But last night, what you said about never wanting anything bad to happen to me. I've already been through something horrible, with Zola's experiments. I just want you to promise me that if something like that were ever to happen again that you would watch after Steve." He took a breath, watching a crease form between her brows as they scrunched together. "I promised his Ma I'd keep him out of trouble. I just want to know that there'll be someone there to do that for me when I'm gone."

She was silent for a long moment, scanning his face. He could see her trying to find an answer, and explanation for all of this. A muscle in her jaw twitched, but then she exhaled slowly. "Nothing is going to happen to you—"

"I know, just promise me, Natasha—"

"I promise." She reached out and touched his arm, voice soft. "I promise."

"Thank you." He wanted to say more, tell her that he never wanted anything to happen to her either, but his voice caught in his throat. Natasha seemed to understand though. When they'd gotten to the point where they could read each other this well, he didn't know, but he was grateful when she took his hand and squeezed it comfortingly.

When she pulled away, she gave him a little smirk. "Someone's gotta take care of you two, right?"

He laughed. The weight in his chest lifted a little. "Yeah, I guess so."

-:-

Natasha stood with Steve and Bucky on the ridge overlooking the train tracks. They'd already hooked up the zipline they'd be using to get onto the train. Gabe and Morita were on the radio, ready to relay any Hydra messages they intercepted. Falsworth was looking through his binoculars, monitoring the tracks. Now it was a waiting game.

"You know when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?" Bucky asked Steve.

"Yeah, and I threw up?" Steve replied.

"This isn't payback, is it?"

The corner of Steve's mouth curled up. "Now why would I do that?"

Natasha smiled. Bucky's request earlier in the morning had made her nervous. A pit of worry had settled into her stomach and seemed content to root there, spreading throughout her body until she was practically shaking with the bad feeling. But now, listening to them quip back and forth like usual, some of that dissipated. Everything was going to go smoothly. She had to believe that.

"We were right," Gabe said, causing them all to turn and look at them. "Doctor Zola's on the train. Hydra dispatch gave 'em permission to open up the throttle. Wherever he's gong they must need him bad."

Steve looked at her, then Bucky, giving the slightest dip of his head before putting his helmet on. Steve turned to her. "You know we've got a small window of time to get onto the train. You're sure about coming along?"

Natasha nodded. Steve knew better than to try and keep her from joining a fight, but she could tell that he was just trying to make sure everything went according to plan, that they all came out the other end of it unharmed. "I'm sure. Gabe's gotta get to Zola, and you and Bucky can't cover the rest of the train by yourselves in time. I'll be quick, I promise."

He smiled a little, and she briefly thought of last night, the smile he'd given her as he told her he loved her.

"Let's get going, because they're moving like the devil," Falsworth said as Morita and Dum Dum handed out the handlebars they'd be using on the zipline.

"We've only got about a ten second window," Steve announced to them all, reminding them all of the information they'd gone over a dozen times. "You miss that window, we're bugs on a windshield."

"Mind the gap," Falsworth reminded them.

Natasha took up her place behind Gabe. She'd be going last because she had Howard's gauntlet that he'd given her. They'd done half a dozen tests on the grappling line he'd put in, so if she failed to make it onto the train, she'd catch onto the zipline with her grappling line. There were risks involved with that too, of course, but she was the smallest and the lightest, and she had the best chance of still making it onto the train if she went last.

"Better get moving bugs," Dugan called, giving Natasha a big grin.

Dernier gave the signal and Natasha watched as Steve gripped his handlebars and eased himself off the cliff and onto the zipline. Bucky and Gabe quickly followed. Natasha waited for no more than a second at the edge, watching the others sail down the line and towards the speeding train. Then, she too was on the line, her body hanging out over the open air of the gorge. Just as the train was about to pass out of her reach, she dropped, crouching down and then flattening herself to the top of the train.

Breathing out a sigh of relief, she watched as Steve and Bucky made their way down one of the side ladders on the center of the train while Gabe made his way towards the front. Natasha found her way to the ladder at the back of the train, stepping down carefully and opening the door. She ducked inside, sliding the door shut behind her.

It was quiet. The only sound was the train as they sped over the tracks. Natasha held her gun up, carefully scanning the length of the train car she was in. Her senses were on high alert, over a decade of training telling her that someone was here, but she still couldn't tell where. She skirted by crates of weapons lining the walls, heading for the door separating her from the next car. As she got close to the door she tensed when she heard distant, near indistinguishable gunfire from one of the car trains ahead of her.

Moving quickly now, she slammed her hand on the control panel to the door. It opened, and just as she stepped into the car, a Hydra soldier swung around the corner, landing a roundhouse kick to her abdomen. Natasha gasped and she went sprawling into the car she'd just come from. Her gun clattered out of her hand, landing just out of reach. The Hydra soldier stalked slowly towards her, none of his face visible beneath his black helmet. She sucked in a breath, crawling backwards before climbing to her feet. The soldier paused, sizing her up. He was lightly armored, carrying what looked like normal guns in his belt. She wondered why he hadn't pulled them yet, but she figured he must have wanted a fight instead.

Natasha grinned and crooked her finger at him, beckoning him forward. He charged, using his momentum to launch a vicious punch her way. Now that she was prepared, she sidestepped easily. She got behind him and tried to kick out the back of his knees, but he was quick, spinning on his heel and aiming another punch her way. Natasha blocked the blow. They traded and blocked punches for a moment, until he overstepped. Natasha grabbed him arm and twisted, flipping him to the ground. He kicked out as he went down, landing a blow that caused her to stumble.

Out of the corner of her eye, Natasha saw him finally reach for one of the guns in his belt. Remembering the gauntlet on her wrist, she activated the grappling line. It lassoed around his wrist and Natasha yanked, hard. He skidded across the floor, back towards her. She stomped a foot down on his stomach and he groaned, the noise muffled by his helmet.

"Doesn't feel so good, does it?" she growled, grabbing onto his arm and yanking it behind him as she flipped him onto his stomach. She lashed his wrists together with the line, disconnecting it from her Widow's Bite bracelet. When she finished, she fisted her hand, this time activating the taser built into the bracelet. She jammed it into the back of his neck. He screamed for a moment, body twitching. Then he stilled. Natasha was pretty sure he was dead, or at the very least, he was unconscious. She didn't bother checking.

Grabbing her gun off the ground, she raced towards the distant gunfire deeper into the train. She was about mid-train when she felt the whole thing shudder, accompanied by a large bang and the sound of ripping metal. The train only trembled just so on the tracks, and kept going. But Natasha's gut had twisted, and she ran forward. Natasha slowed when she got to the train car with the hole ripped through the side. She stopped in her tracks completely when she saw Bucky, shield on his arm, firing his gun at a heavily armored Hydra soldier. Steve was on the ground, already moving to push himself up just as the Hydra soldier let loose another blast from his arm cannons.

"No!" Natasha screamed as Bucky was thrown to the side, straight towards the hole in the side of the train.

Steve was already on his feet, grabbing his shield and launching it at the Hydra soldier. The man went down, but Steve was already moving again. "Bucky!" he shouted. Natasha stepped up towards the edge of the hole as Steve tore off his helmet, throwing it at her feet. "Hang on!"

Natasha reached for her gauntlet, for the grappling wire. Her hand was on the button before she remembered that she'd used it. A sour taste filled her mouth, as she realized she could do nothing but watch. The wind whipped loose strands of hair around her face. Her stomach was completely tangled in knots, her heart pounding loud against her ribcage. She could barely breathe as Steve grabbed onto the side of the train and inched his way over towards Bucky. Her eyes darted between the two of them as Steve reached out for Bucky, clinging to the half broken railing.

"Grab my hand!"

Steve reached out, their fingers inches apart.

They're going to make it, Natasha thought, heart racing. They're going to make it.

"Come on, come on," she murmured, barely a breath, stolen away by the wind.

Then, the next second, the side of the train shifted, the railing Bucky was hanging onto groaned. His eyes widened, caught her gaze. Then he looked at Steve just as the rail dipped downward.

Then the railing snapped.

Steve lunged forward as far as he could. "No!"

Bucky screamed as he fell, Steve's hand still extended towards him.

Natasha was sure that she screamed too, but she couldn't hear it. She put a hand over her mouth, knees trembling as the train continued to rumble along the tracks as if it weren't suddenly one passenger lighter.

Bucky. She couldn't even speak. He was just…gone. Her eyes scanned the snowy ravine, the river far below, like if she thought hard enough, she could conjure up a net to catch him. It was only a matter of seconds, maybe a minute, but it felt like hours that she stood at the mouth of the hole, watching the landscape race behind them. She looked at Steve past the tears burning in her eyes. He still hung onto the side of the train, head bowed, body hunched in a way that signaled a man past the point of defeat.

"Steve," she croaked. She cleared her throat. "Steve, you should…you should get back inside…"

Natasha didn't know if he'd heard her. She didn't know if she had the strength to speak again. She couldn't believe he was just gone. He had been right there. Right there. So, so close. They'd had him. They'd had him and now he was…he was…

He was her best friend and he was gone. If something were to ever happen to me, I need you to look after Steve. That's what he'd made her promise to do. She'd been so scared when he'd asked her that, because the thought of anything happening to him, to Steve, it was too much. And now she had to face that head on. She nearly sank to her knees. She felt like someone had reached down her throat, closed a cold fist around her heart and ripped, tossing what was left down into the ravine beside Bucky's body. She'd known Bucky for a little over a year. But Steve had known Bucky his whole life, and Natasha couldn't even begin to fathom what he was feeling.

"Steve," she said again.

This time, thankfully, he moved, carefully easing his way back to the interior of the train. Natasha reached out, touched his arm. When she looked at his face, she was heartbroken, terrified, by what she saw there. She'd never seen such absolute emptiness. Something inside of him had broken. Snapped off like the handle of the train, like Bucky's only lifeline. She knew, she knew with her whole shattered heart that this was not something she could fix.

But, just as quickly he was composing himself. A soldier on the battlefield who had seen friends die before. He picked up his helmet and shield, wiped his free hand across his tear-stained face. He cleared his throat, and schooled his features into that of a leader, of Captain America. Natasha's cheeks were still streaked with tears. She copied his movements and wiped them away, for him and to make herself feel stronger.

She reached for his hand. "Steve—"

He pulled away gently. "Gabe's up front. He has Zola. We need to finish the mission."

She looked at him a moment longer. "Okay."

Steve paused, then lifted a hand and touched her cheek. It only lasted a second before he was pulling away again, but for the moment, it was enough. He turned and headed towards the front of the train, footsteps heavy like he was carrying a million pounds on his shoulders. Natasha had no choice but to follow, leaving the hole in the train, and Bucky, behind.

-:-

Also, I enjoy knowing what music people listen to when they write, and I like sharing as well. I found this fic's song (like THE song) a while back but I guess I haven't shared it yet? But anyway, take a listen to "Remains" by Bastille Vs. Rag'N'Bone Man Vs. Skunk Anansie. It is literally the epitome of this fic! Like, it's just so good.