Chapter 4: Consequences

Notes:

Many thanks to Somnaborium (A03) for all your help! A special thank you to natsora who beta read this chapter. Thank you so much for all your help that you've given me!

Cora's feet took her to the bathroom. She was relieved to find no one else there. She made sure to lock the door and went to sink, throwing some cold water on her face. Hopefully, this would calm her down.

She didn't even know why she was angry. Was she angry because Ryder blamed Peebee, or was she angry because she didn't understand Ryder? Her reasoning made no sense. Ryder should be grateful, she's alive.

After a few minutes, she grabbed a nearby towel and dried her face before leaving. It was as good as time as any to try and get some work done.

She almost didn't see Peebee and walked right into her.

How long was she standing there? Did she hear the entire conversation at the med bay?

Cora didn't have to guess for long. "I take it she's mad," Peebee said.

Cora leaned against the wall, "You overheard?"

Peebee shrugged, "Parts of it. It was hard to miss. There was a lot of yelling involved."

Peebee was probably not the only one who overheard then. Of course not. Why would she be?

She tried to act nonchalant, but Cora saw that wasn't the case. Peebee's expression was blank and she tried her hardest to avoid eye contact with Cora. "She's just on painkillers. She doesn't know what she is saying." Cora frowned at her own words. She wasn't sure if she believed them.

"Uh-huh," Peebee said. If she noticed Cora's reactions to her own words she didn't give a hint of it. "I need to work on Poc. See you later."

Peebee left, not allowing Cora to reply.

Clearly, Ryder's words had hurt Peebee, though she tried very hard to hide it. She wasn't sure how to handle the asari.

She wasn't sure if she should ask Peebee about it. With the amount of work she had to do. It was impossible to make it a priority.

Reyes was sitting in his VIP room at Tartarus. One hand held a datapad he was busy reading. It was a report one of his agents had sent earlier. He was concentrating so hard, he didn't hear the music that was playing in the background.

The doors slid open and for a moment he was distracted. It was only the asari waitress coming to fetch his empty glass, he returned his attention to the report. Occasionally he'll enjoy some whiskey, but never too much especially if he was busy. The Collective needed his full attention, and he couldn't afford to slack in his work.

"Another one?" she asked him.

"Hmm…," he hummed distractedly. He looked up, her posture suggesting she was waiting for him. "Maybe later."

He heard the doors opened and closed again, already dismissing her from his mind.

He wasn't sure how long it was before he heard a swishing sound again and with it a voice, "Reyes."

He'd recognize that voice anywhere, "Keema." He didn't realize that it was this late already. He placed the datapad on the coffee table. "What news do you have?"

"Every agent has checked in," she walked deeper into the room. "There wasn't another situation."

After one of his agents betrayed the Collective he needed to make sure there weren't any nasty surprises lurking behind a corner. Luckily Ryder and Crux worked together. From the sound of it, it seemed like they had no problems working together, which could only mean good for him.

"Good. Now, what other news is there?" he asked.

"It's concerning the Pathfinder," Keema started.

"Oh?" he said as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

He listened as Keema told him about Ryder's last mission. He nodded along until he heard about her injury. His heart rate quickened, but he wasn't sure why. Reyes was a man that could stay calm when most were freaking out.

"What is her condition?" he asked.

Keema gave him a strange look. "Uh…our agents couldn't find out anything further."

He nodded. "Keep digging. And let me know as soon as you have something. We might need the Pathfinder's help again in the future."

When Ryder woke again, Lexi was on one side of her bed, studying the monitors.

"Lexi," Ryder said when the room came back into focus. She remembered the fallout between her and Cora. She knew she probably should have handled that better, but it didn't change the way she felt.

"Ryder, you need to take it easy," she said, giving her a stern look.

"I'm fine," Ryder insisted.

Lexi looked at her pointedly before turning back to the monitors.

Eventually, Ryder broke the silence, "When can I-"

"You're not clear for duty," Lexi interrupted, "And I don't know what gave you that idea. Sitting up will almost be impossible for you at this stage."

"No, I can. I'll show you." She pushed with both of her hands, trying to sit up straight. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn't and it hurt, a lot.

After a few painful tries with no success, she gave up. Gingerly, she plopped her head back down on the pillow, utterly defeated and out of breath.

"I wouldn't recommend doing that again," Lexi said, giving Ryder a stern look.

"So I must do nothing?"

"Yes."

"I'm the Pathfinder," she protested, "I have to…you know be out there." She gestured vaguely at the med bay door.

"And that's why there is someone like Cora." She walked up to her desk and picked up a datapad. She crossed her arms over her chest. "You need to relax."

Relaxing was something Ryder was never good at. Even as a kid she needed to keep her mind busy. It didn't matter with what. Without distraction, her mind will wonder elsewhere. To places she wanted to avoid. How could she have handled the mission differently?. Could she have been faster? Could things have turned out better?

Of course Cora took over. What was she thinking? The Tempest was going to run by itself? That's not how life worked. She must've been unconscious for some time. Life goes on.

"I'm in a bed, aren't I?"

"That does not mean you're relaxing."

Ryder narrowed her eyes. "Your dressing," Lexi pointed at her stomach, "needs to be cleaned and changed 3 times a day for now. Luckily, there's no sign of infection."

"You expect me to lay here doing nothing."

"Yes," she answered calmly.

"Then I want to talk to Peebee," she said, pushing her luck.

She needed to know why Peebee insisted that they should wait for her. She knew Peebee didn't agree but that didn't change things. It would've been easier to leave, so why didn't they?

"That's not happening either," Lexi said with such finality, there was no doubt it was the end of the discussion.

Ryder was exhausted, but that's because she had her insides rearranged violently, right? That's normal, right?

She sighed, starring at the white ceiling of the med bay, Sleep was hard to come by if every movement no matter how small reignited the fire across her abdomen. She had taken painkillers but it merely turned it down into a dull roar, it still hurt all the time.

She blinked, a little surprised that she had dozed off. But it wasn't the naturally awakening of a good rest but her stomach clenched, coling tighter and tighter, sending waves of agony through her weakened body. The little that she ate and drank was a rising tide pushing its way up her throat, threatening to spew forth from her mouth. Stomach acid and half digested food searing her throat as she pressing her hand against her mouth. It was the last bastion before it was going to erupt from her mouth.

Lexi quickly grabbed a bucket and gave it to her. If she was any slower, it would have been too late.

Hot and sour, burning and gut-churning, it kept coming and coming. It seemed to slow a little as Ryder spat to clear the taste from her mouth, Lexi moved to remove the bucket. But another clench of her guts unleashed another wave. Her grip tightened on the bucket, she clung onto it like a lifeline as she emptied her stomach.

"Are you done?" Lexi asked, handing her a towel.

"Yeah," she said softly, thanking Lexi with a tired gaze and cleaned her mouth. This moment was one of the many times, she was glad she had short hair.

She laid her head back on her pillow and closed her eyes, her hand rubbed her throat. It was sore from puking out her guts. When she opened up her eyes two blue worried eyes stared back.

"I take it you knew this was going to happen." It wasn't a question. Lexi must've known otherwise she wouldn't have a bucket ready to go.

"I had my suspicions," she said,handing Ryder a glass of water. "Here drink. But not too much," she warned.

Her throat felt raw, and the water tasted funny. She took only a couple of sips and handed the glass back.

"I'll see what I can give you for this. But for now get some rest."

"Is this normal? Is this because of my injury?" she asked. A wave of tiredness came over her.

"It might be. But we can't be sure."

"We?" Ryder asked wondering if Lexi talked about Harry.

"Yes," Lexi started to answer, "I'm consulting with a couple of doctors whose stationed back at the Nexus.

Ryder was pretty sure Lexi was holding out on her, but right then she was too tired to care.

"You'll have to be placed on a new diet," Lexi told Ryder.

"What will that involve exactly?" Apparently the new diet would help her with the puking. Without it, it may only get worse. Food played a big role.

Over the next couple of days, the puking only got worse. Lexi started to run more tests, scanning and taking blood, but with each result, Lexi looked grimmer.

"We'll work a diet out. It depends on how severe your condition is."

That didn't tell Ryder much. "Alright, what're the rules?" Whatever they were, she knew she wasn't going to like it.

"No raw vegetables or fruit. It will be a fiber and low-fat diet."

Her face fell. Ryder loved fruits. Though she wasn't that fond of vegetables, she ate them. She was going to miss that. The thought of a cooked tomato didn't appeal to her in the slightest.

"Coffee?" she asked, but she had a feeling she knew the answer to that.

"For now no. When this is manageable we will see. And no alcohol. We might revisit that one, but even then not a lot."

Ryder sure was going to miss them. She only drank alcohol occasionally, but she did love her whiskey. That whiskey Reyes stole was one of the best she had in a very long time. And coffee? She drank a lot. Giving that up would be hard. Hopefully, she could drink coffee in the future again.

The next few days Ryder was exhausted in a way she had never been before. If she didn't sleep, she puked. She started to experience headaches as well. Those weren't so bad, and Lexi gave her something for them. Ryder didn't mind the pills, she didn't mind when Lexi had to inject her with meds. But she did wish she could stop being tired, and that she could stop throwing up. That everything could be like it was before. Her throat hurt the whole time, it never got any better. Her stomach was hurting the whole time as well. Ryder thought by this time it would have been better. Apparently, she was wrong.

Lexi gave her some medications to relieve her symptoms. But it didn't solve the problem. They experimented trying to find the right combination of drugs. Unfortunately, some of them had horrible side effects. But because it didn't help her symptoms by much Lexi felt that she should stop using them. In truth, she didn't care about the side effects. But even if there weren't any, they still hadn't found the right ones.

"You know this will take a while until we found the right drugs," Lexi said as she handed Ryder her pills with a glass of water.

She sighed, "Yeah that's what I thought." She washed the pills of different colours down with the water.

"Your exhaustion will get better soon."

"And my nausea?" Ryder asked hopefully. Although these days her hope might as well be dead. Every time she was optimistic, Lexi crushed it. But time and again her hope returned.

"Ryder," Lexi approached her. "You must understand that it will still be a while before you can be out on the field."

"Yeah, of course, why wouldn't it be?" Ryder replied sarcastically.

"You have been sleeping a lot Ryder, and-"

"What has that have to do with anything? I thought you would be happy about that," she interrupted. It wasn't like she had a choice in the matter.

"Ryder sooner or later you are going to have to deal with this."

Ryder stared at her, expressionless.

This. The fact I can't have kids. Do I even want kids? How is one supposed to deal with...this?

"I don't want to talk about that. I'm fine. Besides…," she said as an afterthought, "not everyone is meant to have children."

Lexi studied her. She looked at her for so long, Ryder started to feel uncomfortable.

"Okay," she finally said, "Just remember I'm always here if you want to talk."

"Sure," Ryder said. But she wasn't planning on talking to Lexi.

"There are some pills we can try for your stomach."

"You think it's part of my symptoms as well," she said as she realized where Lexi was going with this. "All of this is the same thing?"

"Yes. If everything adds up. By now you should've experienced less pain than this."

"It looks good," Lexi commented as she cleaned Ryder's wound.

She didn't know how it looked. It still hurt too much to sit up straight.

The door opened, and Suvi entered with a datapad.

"Oh," Suvi hesitated realizing Lexi being busy with Ryder, "I can come back later."

"No need," Lexi's words stopping Suvi in her tracks, "I'm done."

After Lexi have put everything away, she moved towards the door and squeezed Suvi's shoulder. In turn, Suvi gave Lexi a simple nod. That exchange made Ryder frown.

"How are you?" Suvi asked as soon as Lexi left.

"I'm fine." Ryder watched as Suvi approached. "What's up?"

Suvi gave her the datapad, eyes quickly scanning it over.

The Archon," she started to say as the realization hit her, "saw my memory flashes?"

Suvi spoke, something about SAM, probably referring to what SAM did while they were trapped. But in all honesty, she hasn't heard a single word. All Ryder had left was her optimism and she used it like a shield. "We will beat the Archon!" she assured Suvi. At this point, even her optimism scared her.

"I've already talked to Cora. She'll talk to the leadership, but..," she paused, looking at Ryder, making sure it is safe to speak, "They will want to talk to you as well." Her next few words were added quickly. "Once Lexi clears you, of course."

She didn't know what the leadership thought, but at the least, she knew Tann wouldn't approve. He would make that pretty clear when she did speak to him. That wasn't something she was looking forward to, but she couldn't care less.

"Why would-"

She pressed her hand against her mouth as her face turned green.

Suvi's eyes widened. "Should I get Lexi?"

Ryder knew if she opened up her mouth it would not be words coming out. So with her other hand, she pointed towards the bucket.

Suvi got it as soon as she possibly could. And Ryder threw up. At this point, she didn't really care who saw her puking. When she was done and had cleaned herself with the help of Suvi, Lexi arrived.

"SAM said you were throwing up again," Lexi said. "I think it's time we try something new."

Later that day Jaal came around. Of all the people Ryder expected to come and visit, he wasn't one of them.

"Jaal," Lexi greeted before she got the chance, "Did you bring it?"

"Yes," he answered.

Ryder frowned, feeling like a third wheel in whatever this was.

Lexi looked at Ryder, "I thought we could try nutrient paste."

"You want me to try nutrient paste?" she asked, not sure if she liked the idea. "Is it even safe for me?"

She knew it was safe for humans. But was it safe for her? With this new diet and everything, there were so many rules she needed to keep up with.

"Yes, just try it." Lexi took it from Jaal and gave it to Ryder.

She took it, still unsure if she should. It tasted sweet like a fig but also sour like a lemon. Ryder swallowed it slowly.

"And?" Jaal asked in anticipation.

"It has a… very interesting taste," Ryder said, not wanting to disappoint Jaal. "I might grow to like it."

She studied Jaal's features. "But I don't hate it," she said quickly as she saw how they fell.

Jaal laughed, "It must be quite different for you."

She frowned. "Yeah…it is." Sometimes she still struggled to read Angara facial expressions.

After Jaal left, she reached out for her glass of water and took a few sips in hopes of rid herself from the aftertaste of the nutrient paste. But it was in vain.

Ryder didn't feel quite as tired as before, and luckily for her, Lexi had granted her access to her omni-tool. She could reply to her crew's emails, but no Pathfinder business. Lexi made herself abundantly clear.

In truth it was getting boring, with nothing to do but time to think. It was the last time she wanted to do.

Ryder had too much time to think, so she read in stead. But ended up thinking about the memory flashes. She replayed them in her head, trying to figure out what they meant. She thought some of the flashes where people from her past. Mom, Dad, Scott spending time together. Could the Archon use them? And if he so, how? Could he get some information about them and use it to his advantage?

"In a few days you can be up," Lexi said, breaking through her thoughts.

That was the best news she had got in days. It has been weeks lying in bed. That was time wasted while other people did her job. That wasn't how it should have gone.

She should have gotten out of bed sooner, at least started working on some reports.

"But," Lexi continued, "You're still not be cleared for duty."

Ryder would take all her small victories.

"Ryder," Drack greeted when he walked into her quarters.

She was out of the med bay, which was great. She spent some time with the crew. Catching up with everyone was nice, everyone except Peebee and Cora. She was still mad at Peebee while Cora kind of ignored her.

It didn't mean she didn't speak to Ryder. She did. But only if she needed to. It was clear Cora was mad. But there was also something else. All Ryder knew was to give Cora some time.

She was still not clear for active duty, but she could start writing reports. Just as long she didn't go out in the field.

Ryder had an oversized black and blue shirt with black pants on. Wearing oversized clothes made things a bit easier. Getting dressed was difficult. She couldn't do what she usually did in the past. And it was very frustrating.

Doing even as little as she had made her exhausted. She couldn't be on her feet for too long. The pills had an influence in part while they helped with the pain, they made her tired. Now getting up from a chair was a mission on its own.

"Drack," she greeted, "You never come into my quarters. What's up?"

"Just want to talk to you," he said as if that was answer enough. "Perhaps you should sit down," he suggested.

If Ryder took a seat it will take her almost 20 minutes to get up from it. That was an exaggeration, it wouldn't really take that long. But it was difficult for her to get up from a chair. She'll stand, even if her feet was killing her. Besides a conversation with Drack couldn't possibly take that long.

"No, I'm fine," she said instead.

Ryder waited for him to go on but he didn't. Was he at a loss for words? Drack?

"Sure, go ahead," She looked down at her hands, making sure they didn't shake. Her hands trembling was one of the side effects she got recently. She was still throwing up but thankfully it wasn't as often anymore.

"I want to thank you. You went out of the way and got my scouts and the salarians out."

"I didn't do it all on my own." Without Raeka, she wouldn't even be here talking to Drack now.

"True. But you're the only one that is dealing with this," he pointed to her hands. They must've started to shake again.

She looked down at her hands, and rubbed them, trying very hard to hide the fact she was trembling. But she couldn't fool Drack. Though what Drack said was true, she made the decision, and only she needed to deal with the consequences. Nobody else.

"Because it was my choice Drack. Actions have consequences."

"Maybe so, but now I know I can trust you. Take a piece of advice from an old man." That made her perked her head up. "Forgive her. Don't stay angry forever."

Peebee. He was telling her to forgive and forget. But Peebee didn't follow her orders. Everything might've worked out this time, but what about the next time?

"Raeka isn't the only one who saved your life, Ryder. Peebee saved yours and the salarians' lives." He was silent for a few moments. "Think about it."

"Ryder, we need to talk," Cora called out as she walked in. Ryder realized she must've left her door open.

"Just think about it, kid," Drack said as exited.

Drack and Cora exchanged a look as he left the room.

Ryder closed the door behind him, switching her attention to Cora and nodded slowly. "I guess we do."

Cora paced, her mouth opened and closed, choosing and discarding words to start the conversation.

"Just don't ask me if I have a death wish," Ryder said. And Cora stopped. If looks could kill, Ryder would definitely be dead.

"That's not funny Ryder," she glared harder.

"I wasn't making a joke," she said with all seriousness in her voice.

Cora shook her head slowly, looking miserable. She ignored Ryder's words and started. "You should have made a decision."

"Ah," she snorted, "And what would you have done in my place, Cora? How the heck am I to choose who lives and dies?" her voice went louder with every word.

"That's not what this is about Ryder," she growled. "It's about you."

"Me?" She didn't understand. "What exactly has this to do with me?"

"Raeka told me what happened. You asked. No, you begged her to leave you there," Cora growled, finally speaking her mind.

So that's why Cora was mad at her.

"I don't know what you expect me to say. I was clinging to consciousness. I didn't know what I was saying."

"Okay, let's pretend for a minute that's the truth. Tell me one thing. " She held one finger up. "Why are you mad at Peebee?"

"She didn't follow an order. She didn't-"

"Don't!" Cora warned. "Don't lie to my face. Tell me the truth. You owe me at least that much."

Ryder couldn't. Because she didn't know why she was mad.