~ Chapter 8 ~

Five o'clock in the morning came too soon. Hermione's eyes slowly opened and her eyebrows narrowed together in confusion. Nothing, no nightmare. What was wrong with her? She expected a wave of terror to haunt her dreams every night — not that she wasn't grateful for not having one.

She sat up and rubbed the dust from her eyes. The fire had burnt out, but her body was reasonably warm. Professor Snape's cloak puddled in her lap and she ran her fingers along the fabric.

I'm going to go and talk to Madam Pomfrey. Hermione already knew that she rose early in the morning so she wouldn't be waking her up. I have to stop being a burden on Professor Snape.

Hermione moved from the bed with a deafening yawn and got herself ready for the day. She wasn't sure what it had in store for her, but she knew that she had to take it in her stride. That's the only way I can get better.

As she awkwardly stared at her reflection, she started to take notice of her features. My skin is too pale. My hair is a mess. My lips are cracked. My body is disgusting.

I'm ugly.

Hermione's eyes moved frantically as they scanned her body, while at the same time, cranking up the machine that fuelled her lack of self-confidence. Her chest felt heavy as the oxygen fled rapidly from her lungs.

I can't go out there looking like this…

Tears formed in her eyes and she took a few steps back until her legs hit the bed. She lowered herself backwards and curled up in a ball.

Everyone will look at me if I go out there. They'll all laugh at the way I look—probably mock my personality.

Sobs racked her body, then she grabbed Snape's cloak and wrapped it around herself.

She wasn't sure how long had passed when the knock came at her door. Hermione didn't make a move to answer it; she stayed lying on her tear-damp quilt. The lock started to click undone and the door soon opened on its own.

A shadow loomed over her body near the foot of her bed. She knew who it was. There was no mistaking his powerful presence. A wet nose nuzzled into her frizzy hair to comfort her but it didn't ease her sobs.

"Do you need a moment?" His deep voice rattled her chest as he moved the chair from her dressing table and sat near her. She nodded her head against the bed and welcomed Penny's touch.

She didn't understand why her mind had collapsed underneath the idea of getting on with her day. Is there something wrong with me? Hermione wiped away her tears but stayed beneath the cloak.

"I'm ugly."

"And I'm the Minister of Magic."

Hermione chuckled at his immediate response; it was almost like he hadn't meant to say it, but he didn't change his answer. She wasn't sure why she laughed, yet, she managed to sit up and look at him.

His serious gaze roamed over her tear-stained face. "What happened?"

She sighed. "I was looking at myself in the mirror and I couldn't stand my reflection."

Snape stared at her like she'd told him the sky was purple, so she averted her eyes to Penny, who nestled against her thigh.

"How did you know something was wrong?" she asked.

"Penny told me," he said. "Apparently she can sense these things."

Hermione smirked. "So I was correct."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" he muttered. "And stop trying to escape the matter at hand. What thoughts ran through your mind?"

"Just that I'm ugly...and that everyone will laugh at me."

"Your mind is overthinking the things you're usually comfortable with," he explained. "Trauma victims tend to fold quickly under anxiety."

Hermione didn't like his words. I'm not a victim...or am I? She didn't like the way it made her feel — it's like a punch to the gut.

"Did I say something wrong?" she shook her head, but he raised his brow in question.

"I don't like being called a victim," she admitted. "I don't like how it makes me feel."

"I apologise."

"You didn't know."

"And now I do."

She played with the fabric of his cloak then held it out to him. "I forgot to give this back," she tried to push it into his hands but he didn't take it.

"You're up early, did you have another nightmare?" he asked.

Oh, bugger. "No...the truth is I was going to go and see Madam Pomfrey."

"Oh."

"There's always a voice in my head that's telling me I'm bothering you, so I thought I would ask for help," she explained. "A professional gets paid to deal with people like me, and this isn't a part of your contract as a teacher."

His fingers curled over his knees and she saw Penny twitch in his direction. I've offended him...I'm so stupid!

"I'm s-sorry, please don't be mad at me, sir. I just wanted to give you more free time to live your life — you survived the war and I thought you may want to do the things that being a spy stopped you from doing! I'm so sorry-"

"I told you yesterday not to assume things," he said. "I understand that there is a lot going on inside your head right now. If you think professional help will be the quickest way to recover then I suggest you go and speak to Madam Pomfrey. You haven't offended me in any way; I am your professor and I want what's best for you. I've said before that I'm not an expert on this subject and I was only trying my best to aid you."

Hermione didn't understand why his words hurt her more than him calling her a victim. Have I judged our circumstances differently to him? Probably. She thought they were getting closer to a dysfunctional friendship somehow, but it appeared that it was a student-teacher relationship; nothing more, nothing less.

"Fine," she quipped and tossed his cloak at him. "I'll go right now!"

There was no reason for her to be acting this way, but it was like she'd lost control of her whole body. I need to calm down; mixing shame with anger isn't a good recipe.

"Child wait!" Hermione paused mid-movement to jump from her bed and turned to look at Penny. "He cannot hear me right now, I promise. You have to listen to me when I tell you that he doesn't realise the true impact of his words."

She glanced at Snape who was still in shock, holding his creased cloak. That was very childish of me. Her body started to calm down causing her shoulders to slump.

"Miss Granger?" he drawled with confused eyes.

"I'm sorry, sir. I don't know what came over me."

"I must've said something wrong-"

"No!" she exclaimed. "Sometimes the truth is hard to hear…funnily enough, I've enjoyed our time spent together; although I wish it had been under different circumstances, nonetheless, you've become a comforting part of my life. I just panicked at the thought of having to stop the thing I most look forward to in my day."

Hermione knew that honesty was the best way to get her point across to a man like Professor Snape. Perhaps I shouldn't have been this honest. Oh, well there's no going back now. She searched his dark eyes for any clue of his response, but passiveness rested on his features as usual.

"I don't understand why you would enjoy our time together?"

Hermione furrowed her brows. "I value your time, isn't that enough reason?"

"Not under these circumstances."

"OK," she gnawed on her bottom lip in an attempt to figure out a better way to explain what she meant. "Think of it this way, sir. Before the attack, I was already experiencing loneliness. My friends seemed to be moving to a better place, whereas I was stuck in the same state I was in right after the war ended."

"After the attack, I came to you because I knew you — no offence intended by the way — wouldn't be soft towards me and try to protect me from the harsh truth. I didn't wish to be cuddled and have someone whisper soothing words in my ear. You did as I expected, and I'm eternally grateful for that, sir."

"I never expected you to extend the offer of your council; I didn't really want it, but I came around to the idea. After a few days, I started to realise that talking to you was the only thing keeping me going. It didn't matter to me that I always ended up crying because at least you were there to tell me whether I was being silly or not. After a lot of time thinking over things, I understood that you had become a valued person in my life, sir."

"If you still don't understand what I mean, perhaps this will clear things up. I was lonely and then you became a constant figure in my life — not once were you cruel to me and you were the most honest person anyone has ever been to me. It wasn't out of desperation, but I've somehow grown attached to the idea of you being in my life. Not as my Professor, but as a shoulder to cry on...as a friend. You've given me more than any of my other friends have and that means a lot to me, Professor Snape."

"Go and talk to Madam Pomfrey."

He got to his feet taking the cloak and Penny with him. Her mouth hung open and the slam of her door made her jump. Hot air wheezed from her mouth and tears stung her eyes.

"W-What?"

…

Hermione sat across from Professor McGonagall and sipped nervously at her tea. They hadn't said much as it was easy to sense that Hermione wasn't in the talking mood.

He left, just like that.

She was torn between anger and embarrassment. I poured my heart out to him, and he bloody left! She knew that talking to McGonagall about it might help her, but she knew that the Headmistress already disapproved of their teacher-student relationship.

But it was not any form of a relationship...I mean nothing to him! How did I get it so mixed up?!

"Is it the waiting that's making you tense?" McGonagall asked.

"Yes," she lied. "I want to hear from Sniderfield now."

"He sent me a letter this morning informing that they've run into some problems, but he's dealing with it."

Great.

"That doesn't sound promising," Hermione's voice was flat.

"Have you gone to see Madam Pomfrey yet?"

"No." That was the truth. Even though Professor Snape told her to go—and a part of her wanted to as well—she couldn't get herself to visit the hospital wing. There's no point anymore, it's obvious that I'm looking for a friend out of the person I confide in.

"You're a strong woman, Hermione, but you need professional help-"

"I'm doing just fine."

"You don't look fine."

"Well, I feel it."

"Hermione!"

She sank back into the chair and bowed her head. "Sorry…I...I've upset Professor Snape."

"Oh!" she sounds pleased. "I'm sure you haven't, as you know he's a complicated man. This is why I want you to stop seeing him because he hardly has his own life together to help you organise yours, my dear."

She picked at a loose thread on her sleeve and tried to think of a way to respond. A part of her wished to defend him, saying that he had perfect control over his life; but it proved that she didn't know him well enough, because he might not have his own life sorted out.

I think she's right...I wish she wasn't.

"Headmistress, I just need you to know that he has been nothing but chivalrous towards me. He isn't a bad man, and once again, he's putting himself last against everyone else. After everything, I want to see him go far in his life because it saddens me that he's back here, putting someone else first and not himself."

"That's an honourable thing to say," McGonagall said. "I can't say he'd appreciate hearing it because, well, you know what he's like."

Tears welled up in Hermione's eyes. "I tried to tell him how grateful I am, but I think I offended him somehow. I'm on my own and he's the only person who's given me what I need."

"You have me, and Madam Pomfrey will organise help for you."

"I don't mean to offend you, miss, but you're not what I want. You weren't the person I turned to moments after the attack — Professor Snape didn't even hesitate before taking me in, and I really can't do this without him," she choked on her sob and McGonagall raced around the table to crouch down in front of her.

"You're in a vulnerable situation which means you can find yourself getting attached to someone you shouldn't, my dear. Professor Snape may have good intentions this time around, but he isn't a man you can depend on—"

"Yet, he was the one who looked after me, supported me, showed me patience and displayed tender gestures. You've done nothing but sugar-coat things and bitch about Professor Snape."

Loud clapping came from one of the portraits above, and Hermione turned her nose up at McGonagall. She hated the truth in the Headmistresses words, but it bothered her that she couldn't finish a sentence without criticising Snape.

Why am I defending him after he walked out? I'm only going to see him in lessons now...sat all alone at the back of the classroom.

Professor McGonagall glared up at one of the portraits then returned to her seat. I can't believe I swore in front of her.

"There's a lot going on in your mind right now so I won't take things personally," she said. "Will you be going to lessons today?"

Hermione shook her head and got to her feet. "Goodbye."

The day passed slowly and Hermione kept herself busy in her room until night fell.

The Black Lake is beautiful at night.

It was times like this that she missed her parents. They're so far away with no idea that I exist...I miss them so much.

Hermione sat on the damp grass staring into the water. Today has gone by in a whirlwind of darkness. It seemed all her thoughts ran wild then fizzled out into nothingness; she wished to fall asleep, but her lack of shut-eye has led her out here.

She wasn't worried that she might be caught, she kind of wished that a certain someone would. He won't come and find me.

I should've kept my stupid mouth shut! He doesn't see me as a friend; I'm only a troublesome child to him. It hurt her to realise that she'd grasped the wrong end of the stick, and now here she was, crying by the lake.

I'm alone.

No news had arrived about Malfoy. She was still angry at the Headmistress for the things she said, and she still hasn't seen Madam Pomfrey. I don't mean to sound like a petulant child, but I only want Professor Snape.

She cried out in frustration and moved closer to the water. There was something enchanting about seeing the moon reflect off the surface, and it caused Hermione to relax a little.

Tomorrow — well today actually — will be a better day, I hope. She thought that she might invite Harry and Ron back, but she definitely wasn't ready to return to that emotional state yet. I'm already in a bad enough state.

A shadow covered her, and Hermione's eyes landed on the dark reflection in the water. She turned to look up at Professor Snape.

"Hello." He didn't offer a response, but she could sense his nerves towards the situation.

"It's cold out here, you should head inside," he said.

"I like it out here."

"Do you want a detention?"

"With you? I wouldn't miss it for the world!" she glared up at him slightly surprised by her words. My head's all over the place today. His eyes roamed over her face and she got to her feet so she could turn away from him.

"I don't appreciate your attitude-"

"Well I'm not here to please you!" she whirled around to face him. "Why are you here? Come to mess up my mind some more or cast me aside?"

Hermione begged herself to be quiet, but her anger wouldn't simmer down. All she wanted from him was comfort and she hated that he'd made her feel bad for wanting it from him. She knew it was wrong for her to be too dependent on him during such a difficult time, yet, she couldn't help the way it made her feel.

"I wasn't under the impression that I offended you?"

"Of course you've offended me, sir! You humiliated me!" she yelled. "I only wanted you to know how grateful I am for your words and support, but you threw it back in my face. Perhaps we've both viewed our situation differently. However, you've been the person there for me at my lowest points, and I won't ever forget that — I can't forget that. Yet, it frustrates me that you're my teacher because I cannot show my appreciation towards you without others — including you — deeming it inappropriate."

Hermione glanced out at the lake and sighed. "I'm sorry for shouting, sir, it's just been a long day."

He came to stand by her side and she felt his eyes on her face. "I hate to admit it, Miss Granger, but your words earlier took me by surprise."

"Oh…"

"You have to understand how...odd this situation is. All of it has happened too fast and I'm only just coming to terms with it."

She glanced at him briefly then nodded her head. "I suppose you're right, but this is the way things are now. It all comes down to whether you're ready for the change. Your help and council is something that I want but I don't want you forcing yourself to do it because you think you owe me."

"Owe you?"

"For...that time in the Shrieking Shack."

He didn't respond with any words but she sensed the shift in his demeanour. "I think we both would've been better off if you'd let me die."

"How could you say that?" she turned to face him with her arms crossed.

"Did it ever cross your mind that he wouldn't have returned to Hogwarts if it wasn't for me?" he focused on a distant point across the lake.

"I don't see it like that — I never have!" she moved to touch his arm but quickly stepped away from him. "I understand you can't control what's going on inside your mind, sir, but I'd rather have you here…" she trailed off as she realised what she was about to say.

Although his point held some validity, she wouldn't wish death upon him, she'd rather face her attacker ten times over then have him dead. He sensed what she'd been about to say and looked at her in disgust.

She shook her head. "I don't know how to respond to that without offending you or degrading myself."

Snape relaxed a little then he stared at his feet. "I came to find you so I could apologise for my harsh behaviour, and because the Headmistress came to me with a proposition."

Hermione worried her bottom lip. "A proposition?"

"Sniderfield has informed McGonagall that they've run into some problems with Malfoy's arrest. Somehow his father found out what occurred and he has people causing trouble for the Aurors dealing with your case."

Her heart started to pound in her chest and she blinked back the tears forming in her eyes. That's all I need, more trouble.

"She wants to send you away."

"W-What?!" she exclaimed wiping away her stray tears. "Why does she want to send me away?"

"For your safety," he said. "Unfortunately a lot of my Slytherins are easy to influence; all it takes is a little bribery and they'll do anything."

"But I don't want to leave here."

"You won't be going alone. I'll be with you."

She smiled slightly then nodded her head. "OK."

"I wasn't her first choice, but she knew that using Aurors to help protect you would draw attention to the situation. I'll be going on leave for a while and a substitute professor will take over from me. She's organising a place for us to stay as we speak and we'll be leaving before everyone wakes up."

There was a lot rushing through her mind right now. This is a change I hadn't planned for. She didn't know whether McGonagall was asking too much of him, but he's told her countless times that he'd refuse if that was the case.

"How long will we have to leave for?"

"That's indefinite for now," he sighed. "No one should know that we're leaving, so I don't want you to worry because I don't think you're in any immediate danger."

"Are you fine with doing this?"

"I volunteered," she could tell by his tight face that he didn't mean to admit that.

"Thank you," she whispered. "I'd rather it be you than anyone else."

He glanced down at her briefly then nodded his head. "We should head inside and get some sleep. The Headmistress and I will wake you up in a few hours."

Hermione followed him back inside the castle, and Penny came walking over to brush against her ankles. Her heart started to settle and she accepted that this was the way things would be for a while.

AN:/ So sue me it's almost one in the morning on Thursday - not quite a Wednesday update! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, things will be progressing some more - not to anything romantic, we're at the stage of building the structure of a healing friendship between the pair! I'll look forward to hearing from you all next week!