Chapter 5: The Nexus

Notes:

Many thanks to natsora for betaing.

She felt a wave of heat coming over her. No, no, no. Please pass. Please pass, she begged. The room started to spin. She closed her eyes, hoping it would help.

Counting. That would ease her dizziness, wouldn't it?

1

Luckily, she was close to her desk and she reached towards it with her hand. If she could use her desk for support, maybe she wouldn't fall on the ground.

2

Breathing. She needed to breathe. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.

3

She opened her eyes slowly, testing her vision. It was better, but she still felt dizzy and the room wasn't exactly how it was supposed to be. Regardless, she could work with this. She just needed to sit, do some work. Maybe digging through some reports and keep her mind distracted.

She knew she should tell Lexi, but if she did, Lexi might ground her more than she already has. She couldn't risk it. However, if Lexi found out, she would kill Ryder, no doubt of that.

She sat down slowly, still being careful with her stomach. When she was finally seated, she took a few deep breaths, and had a sip of water before getting to work on the pile of datapads.

Coming back to the Nexus was somewhat different for Ryder. She couldn't put her finger on it.

Ryder still couldn't go out on the field, she needed Lexi's permission to hold a gun. And for now, Lexi had said no.

"How do you expect to hold a gun if your hands are shaking?" Lexi countered.

"I'll manage. I didn't say I wanted to shoot something. It's just in case. What if there's an ambush?" she asked. She looked at Lexi seeking for a shift in her features. There was none. "Lexi, you know I always carry a weapon on me. You can't do this!"

"Ryder," Lexi's hand touched her shoulder, "It won't help if you have a weapon you can't use."

"I can! My hands don't shake all the time," she tried.

"The answer is no."

Next, she was going to see her brother, and no one was going to stand in her way.

The tram ride took too long. Was it always this slow? Didn't it move faster than this? It was years since she felt this nervous. She didn't even feel like this when she needed to tell the leadership about her dad.

Is he mad about Dad? Does he know yet?

The last time she spoke to him was through SAM. It was weird, but at least she could talk to her brother.

She lied to him about everything, about the Golden worlds, their dad. That whole conversation was basically her lying to the only family member she had left. But that's precisely why she had lied. She couldn't be the reason if something went wrong while he was still in a coma. And it was worth it. He was okay. He was awake.

Her heart beat faster. She felt like she couldn't breathe, like her brain forgot how to function. A few deep breaths later, and the tram doors finally opened. She walked up to the cryo bay.

Scott is going to kill me.

He was sitting up in his bed, laughing and talking to Harry. Her eyes couldn't believe what she was seeing. Every time she visited before, she hoped he was awake. And maybe Harry had forgot to let her know. As much as that would pissed her off, she'd forgive him because all that mattered was that Scott was awake. But it was wishful thinking back then. He was unconscious, still in a coma. It broke her heart every time seeing him still and not moving a muscle.

But now he was actually awake. And that made her smile.

"Excuse me," a doctor almost walked right into her.

"Sorry," she muttered. She must've stopped, she didn't even realize it.

He looked at her direction and smiled. She took that as her cue and walked up to his bed.

"Scott…" she said as she approached.

"Sara," he greeted as she sat next to him on his bed. He reached out to give her a hug.

The hug was most definitely not a good idea, she winced and bit her lower lip. "Scott…can you please…" she started.

Scott seemed to remember, "Oh yes. Of course. Sorry Sara, I forgot."

"You know?" she asked in confusion. It was a stupid question, everyone knew about her injury. They knew she was hit with an Ascendant's energy beam but not all of her injuries were made known to the public. Why would Scott be any different? But if he knew about that, wouldn't he also know about Dad? About the Golden Worlds?

"Yeah, but I'm glad you're okay. I asked around. Being hit with a… what did they call it? As…Ascepants…" he struggled for the right word.

Ryder burst into laughter and got some weird looks from others and a very disappointed one from Harry that told her she was too loud. "Sorry," she muttered in his direction and Harry returned to his work, leaving Ryder and her brother alone. "Ascendant's energy beam," she corrected Scott.

How should Scout know what on earth an Ascendant was? He had never fought one. Maybe he saw images of one? She didn't know. This must have been all so new to him.

"Oh," Scott said, his embarrassment clearly visible on his face, "That. Being hit with that couldn't have been fun."

She pulled a stray strand of hair back, "No, it wasn't. But everything worked out. Everyone's okay. That's what's important."

Her brother stared at her and gave her a look. That was strange. Am I seeing things?

"I guess so," he said, unconvinced. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when Dad died."

Those words caught her unexpectedly, "You…know?" she said softly.

"Yes."

"And you're not mad?" she asked. This was very unlike Scott. He should be mad at her. Why wasn't he mad? Something was off.

"No. I understand why you didn't tell me."

She stared at him with a blank expression. She shook her head, slowly, "No," she said. She stood up. "You should be mad at me." He had that same weird look. Why is he looking at me like that? "Why aren't you mad at me?" she demanded.

"Sara…" he started, carefully.

"Why aren't you mad at me?" she repeated, louder this time. She looked around, but no one seemed to notice. "This doesn't make sense," she said more to herself than to Scott. "Why wouldn't you-"

Then it clicked. Of course. The weird look. The way he approached her. "You know," she said softly as she sat back on the bed. And this time they both knew what she referred to.

"Lexi called, not long after I woke up," he started to say, "You were still unconscious. She told me everything."

Everything, that meant he knew she wouldn't be able to have children. That wasn't common knowledge.

"I didn't know," Ryder said. She wasn't mad, at least not about that. But Scott should have the freedom to be mad at her if he was. If her injuries took it away from Scott, it wouldn't be fair.

She didn't think she would've told him about it herself. How could she? It was all too new to her.

"I was mad, Sara. You should have told me everything!" he accused. His voice wasn't loud, it didn't raise any suspicions.

"I know," she said. She didn't try to lie to him. She didn't try to make excuses. Ryder at least owed it to him. He needed to speak his mind.

"But, I get it."

"You do?" she asked.

"Sara, if you were in the coma instead of me, I would've done the exact same thing. We're the only family we have left. We have to look out for each other."

That surprised her. But he was right. She couldn't lose him either.

She gave him an assuring smile, "Yes, that's true." Her omni-tool beeped reminding her of her meeting with the leadership. She grabbed her blue leather jacket, "I have to go before Harry kicks me out of here. I'll come back tomorrow."

"Duty calls?"

"Something like that," she said as she got ready to leave.

As she arrived at Tann's office she saw Cora exiting. Tann's orders were to see Cora first and then Ryder. Probably to hear how things went when after Cora took over. Things were still not going that great between them despite their last conversation eased the tension a bit. But it could be worse. It might be a while before everything was back to normal on the Tempest.

Before Ryder could say a word, Cora spoke, "Ryder, you should go in."

She wanted to ask her how it went, but she decided against it. Instead, she nodded.

Once inside Tann's secretary directed her towards the leaders.

There was some form of awkward greetings between them before they got to business.

"We've spoken to Lieutenant Harper," Tann started, "She gave us her report."

"She's a great second-in-command. I couldn't have asked for someone better," she meant every word.

While Ryder wasn't able to do her job, Cora was there. She heard from the others how things were. Cora was running herself ragged, performing both her usual duties in addition to Ryder's. It meant little to no sleep with a never ending list of things to do.

Ryder didn't know why, but she felt guilty. Did she treat Cora fairly back then when she found out the Tempest waited for her? Should she have treated her differently?

"I agree," Tann said. It looked like he wanted to say something else but one look from Kesh stopped him.

Ryder blinked and pretended she never saw it.

"Ryder, we'd like to thank you for saving the Krogan scouts and Pathfinder Reaka," Kandros said. He was seated across from her.

"We heard you were seriously injured. And we are glad to see you back on your feet," Kesh said.

"And that's precisely why you should've chosen a group, instead of choosing both," Tann said. The rest of the leadership turned to look at him except Addison.

That's the look Kesh was giving Tann. It was her way of silencing him, but it wasnt working. He was immune. "I understand your objections Director," she lied. "But a decision needed to be made and that's exactly what I did. I do not regret it." She couldn't put more emphasis on the word 'not' even if she tried. "If I had to choose all over again, I would choose both groups again. There's no doubt about that."

"Not all of us agree with Number 8," Kesh said.

"Don't you think it's high time that you stop calling me that?" Tann asked, not impressed.

"No," Kesh glared at him before talking to Ryder again, "Some of us feel you did well. Getting Raeka and the krogan scouts is a big win for us."

"Some may say that," Tann muttered.

Ryder crossed her arms over her chest, "But I take it you don't."

Tann turned his attention to Ryder, "You are the Pathfinder, Ryder."

Ryder had to do her very best not to roll her eyes at him. It wouldn't be very professional of her.

"You have a responsibility. What do you think the kett will do when they get their hands on a Pathfinder?" Tann continued.

"But they didn't. And now they have fewer people for exaltation. Everything worked out for the best," Ryder replied.

She didn't need to look at them to know all eyes were on her. The leadership may not agree on everything, but clearly, they disagreed with her point. The silence was deafening. She probably shouldn't have said that.

"Ryder," Tann finally started, "The Tempest was damaged as we speak there are technicians making sure she is ready when the Pathfinder team can leave again."

"The Tempest crew have lost weeks," Addison continued where Tann left off, "Weeks where you could've gotten closer to get more resources. Establishing new outposts and killed more kett."

"So what? Their lives didn't matter?" Ryder's gaze searched the room.

"That's not what we're saying," Kesh said, "We're only saying that everything hasn't worked out for the best."

We're thankful for everyone that got out, but there are consequences to the choice you've made. Some of them are…" Kandros' eyes went to a corner of the room as he searched for the right word, "…unsettling."

"I disagree. Every life counts," Ryder growled and gritted her teeth, "I owed it to them to at least try."

Tann and Addison exchanged a look before Tann spoke, "Maybe it was a mistake letting you carry on as Pathfinder. Your second-in-command might've handled this situation better."

Ryder was shocked. She opened her mouth to say something but no words came out. She should have expected this.

She remembered how her first meeting with the leadership went. Tann didn't believe in her. Addison didn't even want to give her a chance. Honestly then she wished someone would say that this was all a mistake. That Alec Ryder didn't choose his own daughter to be the Pathfinder. That Cora was Pathfinder instead.

Although she didn't want to be the Pathfinder, she had decided she'll prove them wrong, that she could be the right women for the job.

Apparently, she had failed. Look at where they were. Would the leadership let her go to Meridian? They had to. If not, it was all for nothing. She growled a noise of frustration and anger, she had worked too hard to allow this to happen.

Ryder felt a wave of heat coming over her, she wasn't sure if it was her dizziness returning or the anger. She knew now was not the time to pay attention to it, "Are you freaking kidding me?" she almost shouted. "Are you angry because there are some extra people that got rescued?"

Ryder struggled to stay upright. Something was wrong. It was too late to calm herself. It was too late to count.

"Ryder, should I contact Dr. T'Perro?" SAM asked.

"No…I…," she was leaning on…something. She wasn't sure what.

This was the wrong place for this to be happening. Her dizziness couldn't have gotten this bad, could it?

Her vision was blurry and the leadership gave her weird looks. Tann's lips were moving, but she heard nothing. Kesh was tapping on her omni-tool frantically while Kandros was on the comms talking to someone. She couldn't respond, it took all her energy to stay upright. The edges of her vision darkened as she fought to stay on this side of consciousness. Her knees stuck the floor, pain flashed up her legs. The world spun and spun as her head slammed onto the floor.

When Ryder opened her eyes, she wasn't sure where she was. Her mind caught up to the fact she was at the med bay, memories came flashing back.

She had collapsed at a leadership meeting of all places. Lexi would not be happy. She screwed her eyes shut.

When Ryder opened her eyes again, Lexi was next to her. She sat up straight, realizing she had an IV line in her hand once again. "Are you going to ground me?"

Lexi crossed her arms over her chest, "I told you to inform me if there were any other symptoms."

"It's the first time this happened," she lied.

"You're lying and you know it! SAM informed me of the other times as well."

Ryder swung both of her legs carefully to the left side of the bed, "SAM?"

"It is best if Dr. T'Perro knows of any new symptoms. It may help you to get out to the field faster," SAM explained.

"So what will happen now?" Ryder asked. She hoped that she wouldn't need to stay in the med bay.

Lexi walked up to the medicine cabinet and retrieve a small red container from it. There were pills inside. "Take one twice a day. After meals."

"Thanks."

Lexi sighed, "There's no point in you staying here. Consider this a warning. Keep me informed of any other symptoms." Lexi moved to another cabinet and returned with some equipment to remove the IV line from her hand. "I'll remove this and then you can go."

"Thank you."

Lexi eyed her, "But for the remainder of the day you'll need to take things slow and stay in your quarters."

Cora was walking past the Galley when she saw a blue figure at the table. She reversed her steps and approached when she realised it was Peebee. Her elbows were on the table and between her hands was a mug. Hot steam was coming out of it. Peebee was staring in front of her at something above a cabinet.

Peebee usually didn't spend a lot of time in the Galley. She would either grab something quick to drink or eat or she would be here at dinner. Cora was sure she was hiding from Ryder.

Peebee didn't look at Cora. Her focus was on the light, but her mind was somewhere else.

"I thought you were in the crew quarters?" she asked.

Peebee kept her gaze on the light, "Then I came here."

Cora nodded, although she doubted Peebee saw, "Mind if I sit?"

Peebee turned and shrugged. "Sure, sit."

She grabbed the chair next to Peebee and sat, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"About?" Peebee stretched the word out.

"What's going on between you and Ryder?" It was time she did something about it. Her talk with Ryder clearly didn't do anything, so maybe things need to happen from Peebee's side.

"Nothing is going on," Peebee insisted.

"Peebee, if you stare a minute longer at that light it is going to break," Cora said breaking Peebee's gaze from the light.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but sarcasm isn't really your style," Peebee paused to take a sip from her mug. She looked at Cora. "And you're one to talk."

"What does that mean?" Cora's words sounded defensive to her ears.

"Things aren't particularly right between you two either. It may be better, but it's not there yet," Peebee pointed out.

"Well, I'm trying she's just-"

"-Stubborn," Peebee finished the sentence. She stared at Cora for longer than was comfortable before continuing, "I'm not going to apologize for making you wait for her. I did nothing wrong."

"I know," Cora said, her words barely audible. "And I'm not saying you should apologize to her. But you and Ryder can't keep ignoring each other."

"Well, I can try," Peebee tried to sound amused, but her voice was brittle.

"Peebee," Cora said, her tone sharp and hard. "The team can't function like this. We need to move on. We can't keep living in the past. We're not at the Archon's flagship anymore. We left weeks ago."

"You weren't even there!" Peebee exclaimed.

Cora sighed heavily. "You know what I mean."

"Ugh." Peebee rolled her eyes. "If I promise to think about it, will you leave me alone?"

Cora couldn't help but smile, "Yes, you have two days."

"Okay, okay," she stood up and kicked the chair with one leg. "I'll be doing something else now. Remember you need to leave me alone for two days."

"I heard what happened. Are you okay?" Scott said when she arrived.

You heard?" Ryder asked. Her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

"Yeah, was it the wrong meds?"

"Maybe. But there are other possibilities too," she said when she sat on Scott's bed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked carefully.

She narrowed her eyes. She wasn't sure what he wanted to talk about, but whatever it was she knew she had no desire to talk about it. "No, I'm fine. Just tired."

"We can always switch places," he joked.

"No, thank you. I had enough of that," she bit back a dark laugh.

"Yeah, you and me both," Scott said.

He could never lie still, neither of them could. Ryder knew this was hard for her brother. He heard everything that the Tempest had been up to. And he was looking forward to doing this. This was his dream. Ryder's reasons for coming was…a little different. She needed to get away from her past.

"When are you starting with physical therapy?" she asked.

It would be good for Scott, even if it was just getting out of bed for an hour a day. She remembered what happened when he broke his foot. Scott walking around in crutches was very frustrating for him, but they had a lot of fun back then.

"Next week," Scott broke into her thoughts.

For the rest of Ryder's visit, they talked about the 'good old days', times when their family was whole. And they shared a few laughs. Before she knew it, SAM reminded her that it's time to meet the leadership again.

"Ryder," Tann greeted as she walked in.

The rest of the leadership were already there.

"We hope you're feeling better," Kesh said.

"Yes, thank you. Can we proceed?" Ryder asked remembering how badly the meeting ended the day before.

"Of course," Tann answered.

"What have you found?" Kandros asked. It was the question that was on everyone's lips, everyone except Ryder's.

Memories of the fight against the Behemoth flashed in her mind. Ryder was giving orders to Peebee and Drack. Back then she knew this mission was going to be hard, but she didn't know it was going to end up like this.

She didn't know she was going to have lifelong consequences because of a single decision. That this decision would change her life. Despite it all, she had no regrets.

"The Archon had a map showing the location to Meridian," Ryder walked up to the halo-map and pointed at the blinking nav-point. "Now we have it. And a short window to get there. It's the control center for the terraforming network."

The leadership stepped closer. Every pair of eyes studying the holo-image.

Ryder continued, "If we get that working all our problems will be solved."

She hoped the leadership would agree. They wanted a solution and now they have one. Even they couldn't deny that.

And then Tann's questions changed things, "Based on what? This is alien science?"

"The vault on Aya suggested that Meridian is the key," Ryder answered. They had taken so much on faith, what was one more?

"While I've appreciated what you've done for the strike teams. We're not equipped for a war with the kett," Kandros came forward. "They'll be defending Meridian with everything they've got."

He was right, but what choice did they have? They needed to find Meridian. There was no other solution to their problems.

How could they miss the point she was trying to make?

"A fight is coming no matter what we do," Ryder's eyes searched the room once again hoping to convince at least some of them. If she could find one, the others might not have ground to stand on. She needed them to see. She needed them to know what she knew. "The Archon is already studying how to exalt us." Her eyes shifted to the ground, "It's not pretty," her voice hush as she spoke.

All those recordings…All the information the Archon already had on them.

Addison folded her arms over her chest, "Still, it's better to focus on the outposts. If the kett attack, all our people won't be in one place."

They weren't seeing it. Only Kadara and Elaaden still needed outposts, and that won't be enough.

When Ryder lost Kesh's support as well, her courage fell out from under her. For a moment, it felt like it was all for nothing. But immediately after that thought, guilt ran through her chest. How could she forget about the people they saved? Even if it was for only a minute.

It wasn't for nothing. The mission was a success.

Then she heard a voice, one that gave her hope again. "Then I will." Raeka was approaching with another Pathfinder.

"And so will I," Sarissa said.

"Ryder deserves a chance to try," Raeka said.

That's all Ryder wanted.

"I applaud the gesture. But you answer to me. I'll hope you understand," Tann said crushing Ryder's hope.

I'll hope you understand, he said? Is he serious? They needed to find Meridian. That's why they went to Kadara. That's why they went to the Archon's flagship. She did all that so they could find this. And now that they had it, the leadership just expected them to do nothing?

"What's the matter, Tann? Don't want anyone else overshadowing you?" Ryder asked sarcastically.

Needless to say, the rest of the meeting didn't go well. And they did not have permission to go to Meridian.

Afterwards, Ryder waited for the rest of the leadership to leave before approaching Tann.

"Let me make myself clear," she started, pressing both hands on his desk. "I know you doubt if I have what it takes to be the Pathfinder. But I'll prove you wrong. No matter how long this takes."

With those words, Ryder left, not even giving him a chance to reply. She couldn't care less what Tann thought.

Sarissa and Raeka approached her, telling her of a way they could perhaps go to Meridian without the help of the leadership.

"Ryder, do you have a minute?" Raeka asked after they discussed their plans to go to Meridian. Sarissa was already out of earshot.

"Yes. Is everything okay?" Ryder asked, curiously.

"I should be the one asking you that. How are you?"

"I'm fine. Just glad to be back at work," Ryder answered honestly.

Raeka gave a small nod, "You are Alec's daughter after all."

Ryder wanted to ask more about her dad. How he and Raeka knew each other, how well she knew him, but she held the questions back."

"I just want to say thank you, Ryder," she continued. "If I didn't go back, you wouldn't have needed to come and…" Raeka trailed off. It seemed like she didn't know how to finish her sentence.

"Don't Raeka. You've put your people first. So please don't apologize." She paused, carefully considering her next words. "I would've done the same."

Would she though? It no longer felt true. Back on the Archon's flagship she would've said yes. Now, she wasn't so sure.

"Before you know it everything will be like it used to be," Raeka said.

Ryder wished she could believe her but she couldn't.