Chapter 6: Kadara

Notes:

A big thanks to natsora for betaing.

Ryder wasn't cleared for active duty so she decided Kadara would be her next stop. She had done all she could on the Nexus. She visited her brother and he kept asking her if she was doing fine. She was getting tired of people asking her that.

She did another interview. Questions about her experiences on the Archon's flagship and her injuries featured greatly in that.

She spoke about them as little as possible. The interview dragged on for far too long. It was only when it ended she felt she could breathe again. Ryder never minded them before, but it was different this time.

Did the Archon's flagship change her? What was different?

She didn't know.

She should be the same Sara Ryder when her feet hit the Salarian ark as she was now. So why did she feel like this?

The previous times they were at Kadara, Ryder heard rumours of a drug called Oblivion. She didn't know the full details of the damage that this drug caused. But everything she heard about it was very bad. It was a problem and someone needed to put a stop to it.

Reyes had secrets, that much was clear. But she understood. Trust came with time, and it is hard to spill all your secrets to someone you barely know. There were some things about her past she wouldn't want others to know about as well. As long as Reyes didn't lie to her about who he was she was okay with all the secrets.

"How are you feeling?" Lexi asked after she took a look at Ryder's wound.

"Please stop asking me that. I'm ready to get out of here. I'm tired of not doing anything."

They arrived at Kadara a few hours earlier and before Ryder could leave the Tempest, her wound needed to be checked again.

"I know," Lexi eyed her.

"How does it look?" Ryder asked curiously. She hoped it was better. Though she could take a look at it if she wanted to, she didn't have Lexi's medical expertise to know how it was doing.

"It looks good," Lexi said distractedly, her eyes never moving from the wound. "Hmm…I'll just have to clean it and then you're ready to go."

"Then I need to come back tonight again?" Ryder's dressing didn't need to be changed as often anymore, just twice a day. There were no further complications. She still experienced pain but it was less than before. It wasn't just her injury that caused it. Her condition played a big part as well.

"No, next dressing change is tomorrow. But no heavy lifting."

"You don't have to remind me every time I'm here," Ryder said.

"With you, I need to."

"So what do you have?" Ryder asked.

Cora, Ryder, Liam, and Vetra were in the meeting room. Everyone except Ryder had spoken to Dr. Nakamoto.

"Dr. Nakamoto mentioned that he worked for Sloane," Cora started.

"Oh?" That made Ryder curious. "But that changed?"

"Yes. They discovered a new type of medicine," Liam went on.

"Wait," Ryder said raising her hand. "What has this to do with Oblivion?" She focused her gaze on Cora's, "Didn't you say you have something on it?"

"Yes, but we'll get to that," Cora replied, "Liam?"

"Right," Liam cleared his throat before continuing. "So apparently this medicine or more accurately drug can be addictive and causes hallucinations in large doses."

Ryder nodded as she connected the dots, "A.K.A Oblivion."

"That seems to be the case," a hint of doubt creeping into Cora's voice.

"But?" Ryder prompted when Cora kept silent.

"But what if he's lying? You know how it is Ryder," Cora said, "Every man for himself out here."

"I heard some good things from him," Vetra finally said. "He won't lie about something like that."

"You know him Vetra?" Ryder asked suspiciously.

"No. Just some things I heard from my contacts." Vetra answered.

"Okay, but what if he's telling the truth?" Cora suggested. "Or what if he wants to take over Oblivion, use the formula, and sell it for his own benefit?"

"You think that's possible?" Ryder threw the question back.

"I think, we need to think of all the possibilities before making a decision," Cora answered wisely.

Ryder wasn't sure what to choose. Choices have consequences. She learned that the hard way.

What if she made the wrong one?

If she was honest with herself she had to admit she doubted herself before. But not like this. This was new.

Cora was right of course and that was what Ryder usually did. But their opinions mattered too and Ryder was interested in hearing them.

"Okay, so Dr. Nakamoto have a solution?" It was best that Ryder had all of the information before deciding what she should do.

"The only solution according to him," only scepticism dripping from Cora's voice, "is to steal the formula."

It made sense why Cora was sceptical. This was a grey situation and grey complicated things. It made it harder to see the right choice.

"So what now?" Liam asked since no one knew what to do. "Do we steal the formula or not?"

"It's up to Ryder," Cora answered before Ryder could speak.

From the looks of it, Liam was not sure what the right choice was. Vetra said the doctor wouldn't lie implying she thought they should steal it. Cora was sceptical. Ryder needed more information before making a choice.

Ryder nibbled at her lower lip, "Before we decide anything. It might be best if I speak to Reyes."

"Have Lexi been complaining that you don't eat enough?" Liam asked as Ryder got some nutrient paste out.

"Yes."

Ryder lost her appetite since the Archon's flagship. She only ate when she was hungry and lately, she either didn't feel like eating or she didn't get hungry that often. Which was exactly why Lexi was on her case.

Lexi had said her loss of appetite was one of her symptoms and that it was completely normal. But it didn't feel normal to Ryder.

Liam switched on the coffee machine and the coffee machine filled the Galley with the most wonderful smell. Do you want some coff-," Liam stopped himself, remembering that Ryder couldn't drink coffee anymore. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, "Sorry Ryder. Do you want some water?"

"Sure."

5 minutes later Ryder was sitting at the table. Liam brought over his coffee and her water.

"Here you go," he said when he placed her drink in front of her.

She took the first sip of the glass of water while he sat down. She eyed his coffee while both of them drank in silence. The coffee smelled so nice. She missed it.

"What?" Liam asked. "You're staring at my mug like it's the love of your life."

It was. That's how much she enjoyed coffee. She almost admitted it but instead she shook her head, "My head was somewhere else." She placed her glass back on the table, "Are you ready to head out?"

"You made a decision?"

"No," Ryder answered hesitantly. "But there's other things that still needs to be done in the Badlands.

"Okay," he stood up from his seat, "Whatever you say, Pathfinder." Ryder heard his scepticism.

Ryder went to the med bay to speak to Lexi, but she found it empty. Coming out of the med bay she found Vetra and was pointed towards Engineering. Apparently, Lexi and Gill had something to discuss.

She took the elevator down and headed towards the Nomad. Lexi and Gill were talking next to it.

"Be there for your shot next time Gill," Lexi ordered.

"Ryder," Gill greeted as she approached, a smile appeared immediately on his lips. "What are you doing here? Weren't you going to see your smuggler?"

"My smuggler?" Ryder snorted. "I just wanted to talk to Lexi."

Lexi and Gill exchanged looks. "I'll leave you two alone," Gill said before moving in the direction of the elevator.

When Gill was taking the elevator, Ryder started, "Lexi I was won-"

"The answer is no," Lexi interrupted her, crossing her arms over her chest.

A frown appeared on Ryder's forehead, "You don't know what I was going to ask."

Lexi rubbed her chin, "Let me take a wild guess. You were going to ask something along the line of taking the Nomad and going into the Badlands."

Ryder screwed her eyes shut and sighed. When she opened them there was no change in Lexi's features. "How did you know that?"

"I know you better than you think Ryder."

"I don't have to drive. Someone else can," Ryder almost flinched at her own words. No one drove the Nomad except for her.

"That's not the best idea. And you cannot go into the field."

"For how long?" Ryder asked in vain.

Lexi studied her up and down with her blue eyes, "It depends on your-"

"Condition. I know," Ryder said. Anyone could hear from her tone how frustrated she was.

Ryder glanced about the room before settling on a couple of crates. She walked up to them. "If I can pick up one of these crates," she jerked her head in their direction, "can I go then?"

"Ryder," Lexi started, "I don't think that is a good idea."

Lexi didn't try to stop her. She knew better, it wouldn't have worked.

"I can do it," Ryder said stubbornly, "Without my biotics." She took a few deep breaths, feeling her own heart beating rapidly against her chest before picking one up. She bent to get a firm grip, her abdomen muscles started protest but not enough to hurt. Her fingers curled around the edges of the crate, her muscles pulled further and started to hurt. She gave it her all. She was sure she could do it. She wanted to prove Lexi wrong. It was a few centimetres from the ground. She thought that if she could just pick this one stupid crate up that she…

But she couldn't. The pain was returning to her guts. She tried to hold it out, but she could only do it for so long. It burned. Her stomach wanted to tear itself from the inside out. Ryder couldn't do it. She could feel her biotics coming to life and before she could stop it she threw the crate biotically. The crate flew across the room and made contact with the wall. It was the first time she used her biotics in weeks. It was a relief, but only for so long until it was replaced with anger.

Ryder's heart still slamming itself within her rib cage. She forced herself to take a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself. "You are right," she said slowly, softly between breaths. "I can't do this. I can't do anything!" Her own words startled her. The truth came barrelling out of her mouth before she could stop them. It was ugly and unsightly but it was the truth.

"That's not true," Lexi approached her slowly. "Some things will just take time."

That was the problem. Ryder wasn't patient. She never was. Ryder opened her mouth to speak, but instead of words it was a low groan. Her hand pressed against her abs, a sharp pain slicing through her abdomen.

Lexi sighed, "Come with me. Let's get you something for that."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lexi asked as they entered the med bay.

"I'm fine Lexi," Ryder said as she sat on one of the beds.

"Do you want to tell the crate that?" Lexi asked as she handed Ryder two red pills and a glass of water.

Ryder glared at her, "It won't happen again."

She slammed the pills into her mouth and washed it with water down her throat. She stood up, "Can I go?"

"Yes."

Ryder stared the console that lead to the slums. Her hand hesitated to activate it.

She took a deep breath. Time moving slower until she activated the console.

When the elevator arrived her steps were slow but steady.

The nightclub sounded louder than usual, almost deafeningly so. She moved towards Reyes' usual spot.

Just as she wanted to open the door via her omni-tool, an asari waitress walked out, leaving the door open for her.

They nodded to each other before trading spaces.

"Reyes," Ryder greeted, "Are you busy?"

Reyes was leaning over a terminal, "I'm never too busy for you." His eyes were focused on the terminal, not turning around when the words left his mouth.

"Oh, I feel so honoured," Ryder said, a hint of playfulness in her tone.

She moved towards the light coloured couch and made herself comfortable.

A few moments later Reyes was done and he made his way over. "Is this business or pleasure?" he asked as he sat gently on the couch.

"Business of course," she started to say, "I need to talk to you about Kadara's drugs." She eyed him carefully, watching his body language.

Reyes leaned forward, placing his elbows on his thighs, rubbing his hands together.

"I take it you're talking about Oblivion?"

"Yes."

"Isn't it too soon for you to return to your job?" he inquired.

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him but decided not to ask. "I'm not cleared for active duty." Her eyes did not leave him for a moment, "Not yet. Cora, Liam, and Vetra had a chat with Dr. Nakamoto."

He nodded, seemingly distracted by his own thoughts. "And what did he say?"

"He asked them to steal back his formula."

"What's the problem?" he asked, not seeing Ryder's point.

"For starters, he could've lied. He wouldn't be the first liar in Andromeda," she frowned. "But for all I know this drug will, in fact, be used as medicine. And help the people of Kadara and beyond."

Ryder decided to keep the part where Cora was worried that Nakamoto uses Oblivion for herself.

Reyes thought for a moment before answering, "I see your concern, but Ryota is one of the only honest men on Kadara." Ryder was sure he was serious, until he added, "Besides me, of course."

Ryder raised an eyebrow, "Sure."

"Besides, isn't it more dangerous if it isn't used as medicine? What damage do you think this drug will cause?"

Reyes had a point there, one she couldn't ignore.

The awkward silence hung in the air for a few moments, "Alright. I see your point. My team will get the formula."

Ryder just hoped this wasn't a huge mistake.

"And Kadara will be safe once again." Reyes launched his omni-tool. Ryder watched as the orange tech gave more colour to the room, "Do you want something to drink or are you leaving?"

She shrugged, "I have time to stay, but," she stopped, looking down at her stomach, "nothing to drink," she turned her gaze back to him, "thank you."

He stared at her for a long time before eventually asking, "Is something wrong?"

Ryder looked down at her hands, they were shaking. She tried to hide it away by balling them into fists, "No, everything is fine."

"Why are your hands shaking then?" he asked.

"It's nothing," she said as she was standing up. She was making ready to leave the room, but he stopped her.

She could feel the weight of his hands on her blue leather jacket. When she looked at him she saw he was holding her arms, keeping her in place. His eyes were searching for something. Answers she wasn't willing to give.

She couldn't stand the silence, so she decided to break it. "Reyes we can pretend that we know each other, but the truth is we don't." His gaze didn't change as she spoke, and she couldn't help but wonder why she felt slightly disappointed at that. "A few months ago we didn't even know each other."

She expected him to say something, but there was only silence. She could hear her own heartbeat. He looked at her, studied her. Then he leaned in and kissed her. His lips tasted like whiskey.

It was unexpected, but for the first time in weeks she felt free and happy. It made her forget of all the events of last couple of months. The Archon. The kett. Exaltation. Choices that she needed to make. All that mattered was the moment between them.

But then she pulled away. Reyes kissing her was unexpected and although it made her forget for a moment, it wouldn't change anything. The kiss might've startled her but she couldn't admit it to anyone. Not even to herself. Because she wasn't sure what it meant.

She stared at him, his eyes looked fixedly back at her. It felt like he could see what she was thinking. And she didn't like that.

Ryder wanted to say something, anything really. The words failed to come, no matter how hard she tried. They kept gawking at each other, it felt like a lifetime.

Was it a lifetime for him too? Why didn't he say anything?

Reyes was always so good with words. Ryder knew he could talk himself out of any situation. Was this all a game to him?

"I have to go," Ryder didn't know what else to say.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay?" His voice was inviting but she couldn't trust it.

"I have to go and take care of some things," she lied.

The truth was for the first time in months, she didn't know what was next. And that thought scared her.

Ryder might be back officially as the Pathfinder, but she wasn't doing the full job anymore. Someone else was. It wasn't like someone took over. Cora dealt with the field work and she dealt with the not so fun part of the Pathfinder reports.

Cora and the others were heading out to get the drug formula from the Badlands.

How long will it take before she can get out of there again?

"Alright," he said unconvinced.

His tone unsettled her even more.

This day wasn't turning out like Ryder thought it would. She didn't know what she was thinking. Thinking everything would be back to normal. She lost it earlier. Throwing a crate. It was unlike her. Ryder had all this built up anger and she didn't know where it came from.

No matter how much she tried to keep herself busy. To distract herself. It didn't work.

Why would it?

Just as she thought the day couldn't get any worse Peebee approached her hesitantly.

It is time to face the music.

"Peebee," it was the first word Ryder said to her since her injury.

Some people might say Ryder was cold towards her.

Peebee was the reason Ryder was still alive. Cora was right about that. But for Ryder it was about the principle. If there's ever another situation like this one, and Peebee did the same thing, lives could be lost instead.

What if someone have died? What if everyone died?

Then Ryder's choice to sacrifice herself would've been in vain.

"Ryder, you have a minute?" Peebee asked, looking as though she rather be in the mouth of an Eiroch than here. That meant one thing, Cora had spoken to Peebee.

Ryder sighed even as she searched for a way out. There wasn't one. She needed to have this conversation with Peebee sooner or later. She rather it be now there was no point in delaying it. "Sure."

"You're mad at me," Peebee started. It was a statement. And if Ryder was honest, she didn't exactly hide it from Peebee.

"You didn't follow orders," Ryder said softly. Ryder felt like she rehearsed those words. The more she thought about it, the more she realized it felt like a lie. She asked herself over and over again. Was Cora right? It was burned into her brain.

Peebee rolled her eyes, "This is useless," she murmured under her breath. When she looked at Ryder again she had a look of defiance in her eyes. It startled Ryder. "I won't apologize for doing the right thing. Some orders needed to be disobeyed."

And that was the truth, after all that's what she did in the past. And that's exactly what they were going to do when they depart for Meridian.

She was supposed to choose between the Krogans and the Salarian Pathfinder. She didn't because she saw a better option. Ryder didn't choose because she couldn't. She wasn't strong enough, she didn't have the guts, so she didn't.

Peebee was waiting for an answer. And Ryder knew she was wrong. It was time to admit it. "You're right."

"I knew this-" Peebee stopped not believing what she was hearing as she gave Ryder a long hard look, "Wait what?"

"You were right for doing what you did. Thank you Peebee. I owe you my life," Ryder said. The words felt raw.

"Sure," Peebee said, sounding unsure of herself.

Ryder felt a weight coming off from her shoulders. She hadn't realised how much she needed to make things right with Peebee. Not only for the sake of the Tempest. But for hers.

Ryder leaned against a railing. It was in a darkish corner. Behind her was a building that either looked shady or abandoned. But this was Kadara, who knew what lurked behind the unknown corners.

She was looking at her hands, they were shaking again. Or more accurately they were still shaking. She couldn't handle a gun like this. Not even if she could get her hands on one. Maybe if they shook less?

She heard footsteps, instantly she knew it was Reyes.

"How did you know I would be here?" she asked without turning.

"Does it matter?" he asked as he approached her side, not even questioning how she knew it was him.

She shrugged, "Probably not." It was starting to feel like Reyes knew exactly what went on in Kadara. It was weird…and very suspicious.

"When was the last time you ate?" his eyes shifted to her shaky hands. She balled them up into fists.

"That's not why this is happening!" she spat. Her words sounded loud to her ears. Harsh even. "Sorry." She was sure her apology sounded insincere.

"Then why?" he pressed. Reyes wasn't one who would keep asking the same questions, especially with personal stuff. Did Reyes know more than he led on?

She sighed, looking at her hands as she rubbed them together before she started to tell the story to him. She left nothing out other than her personal problems with Cora and Peebee, her surgery and the fact that she couldn't have children. The rest spewed from her lips like a flood, a never ending flood of pain and frustration.

The stone in her gut, the pressure against her chest, they were still too raw, too personal. And it was none of his business. Why should she tell him if it didn't feel real to her yet?

"How are you coping with this?" he asked.

"The symptoms are fine, it"s-"

"I'm not talking about the symptoms," he interrupted her.

"What else are you talking about?" she asked. Nothing else popped up into her head.

"The diet. Isn't it something new to get used to?"

Ryder frowned. That wasn't something she expected. "The diet?"

"Yeah, I'm sure the symptoms are unpleasant. But you needed to change your whole lifestyle."

"It's okay," she started to answer him. "It's just something to get used to." She gave him a small smile, "I miss coffee though."

They chuckled.

Ryder looked at him, she was glad she told him. It removed a weight between them. After their last conversation a wall formed between them. Now it was gone.

"What is it?" Reyes' voice distracted her from her thoughts.

If she was going to sit around doing nothing or be stuck filing reports she would go mad.

"Is there," she looked around to see if anyone else was close. There wasn't anyone, "an arena or something like that in the Port?"

A smirk was plastered on his face, "What are you planning?"

"Just answer the question."

"I don't think you're supposed to be training. Hmm…" Reyes hummed rubbing his chin, "I wonder what some of the others would do if they hear their dear Pathfinder asking such an interesting question."

Ryder raised one eyebrow at him, challenging him, "No, you wouldn't do that."

"And how would you know?" he countered.

She gave him a cheeky smile, "Because you want to stay in my good books."

Both had smiles plastered on their faces until Reyes broke it and his expression changed into a more serious one, "Are you sure that is the best idea right now?"

She started to pace, "Please Reyes I need this. I'm going crazy here."

"What about your doctor?"

"They'll never know." Desperation was clear as daylight on her face, but she didn't care.

Reyes studied her more deeply than he ever had before answering, "Alright. I'll send you the location."

"Just like that?" she looked at him sceptically.

"No, you'll owe me a favour."

Ryder looked at him, not sure if she'll like this favour. But what's the worst that could happen?

She must've given him a weird look because he continued, "Don't worry. It won't cost you," he paused, stretching the silence, "much."