~ Chapter 18 ~
Hermione awoke with a heavy weight on her shoulders. Yesterday had been beyond perfect, so she didn't understand her misery. She'd received presents from her professors — including a book on exploring the mind from Snape — and she even had one from Ginny, and Richard. I should write letters to thank them. But, still, she didn't understand her sadness.
Her eyes landed on the scars on her wrists. I've come far with Snape's help. She felt her silly attempt at causing herself harm was a waste of everything he's done for her thus far. How am I ever going to get better? I need to be independent.
A part of her knew that things would've got better faster if she'd been back at Hogwarts. I'd have space to breathe. She wanted to go back to the place she considered Home, so she could grow as a person and live her life. The end of the school year would be fast upon them and she needed to prepare for exams, and figure out where to go when Hogwarts is no longer her Home.
Professor Snape knocked on her door, and a weird feeling fluttered in her stomach. She raced over and opened the door. "Morning, sir."
Her heart thundered in her chest. What's wrong with my heart? She briefly glanced at her chest then shook her head and looked back up at the bemused expression on his face. "Breakfast is ready."
"O-OK," she stepped out into the hall forcing him to take a few steps back.
"Did you sleep well?"
She hummed in response and followed him down the stairs. The sight of a cooked breakfast made her stomach grumble with delight. She raced over and started to pile food onto her plate.
She swallowed hard. "Sir, I must thank you for yesterday."
"Don't mention it," she could tell that he meant it.
"No, sir. I need you to know how much it meant to me; it was one of the best Christmases I've ever had-"
"I'm sure the ones spent with your family were better." Hermione narrowed her eyes at him.
"Why do you always have to ruin things?" she snapped. "Just take the compliment and move on!"
He didn't seem startled by her outburst. "I apologise. However, I don't see how it was comparable to the times spent with your family-"
"Because it was spent with you!" silence followed, and Hermione stared at her plate then sighed. "I've lost my appetite," she headed towards the door.
"Sit back down," she hated the authority in his tone.
"Why?" she crossed her arms over her pajama clad chest.
He clenched his jaw. "Because I said so."
"Yes, sir," she sat down opposite him with a frown and a heavy heart.
She couldn't work out her feelings towards him. The development of some form of feelings was bound to happen to one of them. They'd been in close proximity and he had seen a vulnerable side to her; she was rather shocked that it was only now that she noticed the way he made her feel.
I've become too attached to him.
Snape cleared his throat. "Are you happy here?"
His question took her by surprise. Of course she liked being here with him. But, that's not the question he asked. "I'm happy."
He took a sip of his tea. "But?"
"I also miss Hogwarts," she sighed. "Luna told me that Richard is working hard to prepare for the Valentine's Day Festival, and I really wish to help him."
"I understand," his tone was dull, and Hermione panicked.
"B-But I still enjoy my time with you! I really like it here, honest!"
A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "I take no offence, Miss Granger."
"Good," she smiled down at her plate. "I'm not angry at you for lying to me."
"You aren't?"
"No," she pushed some of her hair from her face. "I was angry at first, but now I understand that you thought you were protecting me."
He tilted his head slightly. "How did you come to that conclusion."
Her cheeks flushed. "Well, why else did you withhold the information?"
He flinched at her response. He's being dishonest with me. "I thought you would be unable to handle the information, and your episode after the revelations proved me right."
"Are you purposefully trying to be mean?" she retorted.
"I'm afraid that's just who I am."
"No," she pushed her plate away.
This wasn't who he was. The man on Christmas Day was his true nature; the man who cooked her dinner and watched her open her presents in front of the fire was not cruel. He even let me play Muggle Christmas songs — I even heard him muttering the words to one of them under his breath!
"I'm the man who killed Dumbledore-"
"Do shut up!"
"Remember who you're talking to, Miss Granger!"
"Oh, silly me, I forgot that you were the mean, old dungeon bat for a second," she got to her feet. "Like I said, I've lost my appetite."
…
Hermione chose to ignore Penny as she sighed every couple of seconds. She wasn't going to apologise for upsetting Professor Snape when he'd upset her first. It was obvious that the pair were coming to blows purely out of boredom, there wasn't much else to do.
She tried to stay focus on the book in her lap, but she struggled to keep her concentration. The flames burned high in front of her and she settled on gazing at them intently.
I wonder what things will be like when we return to Hogwarts? Funnily enough, Snape was rather relaxed compared to his teaching persona, and she didn't wish for him to return to that way. However, the notion was inevitable. We aren't friends.
Perhaps that was the issue? When Hermione thought of Snape and friendship together, it never conjured up the image of her own perception of friendship. I don't see him treating me the way Ron and Harry do. Maybe establishing that fact might improve the situation?
"Letters," his pale hand entered her view and she took her post from him. Their fingers brushed for a few seconds and her stomach jumped in response. She watched him sit back down without showing any reaction. A sigh escaped her lips, and she opened up her letter from Harry first.
His words were sincere and kind, however, she still noticed he wasn't mentioning work. "Sir?"
"What?" he drawled flicking over the page of his book.
"Does Harry know about Lucius and Draco?"
He nodded. "Sniderfield has told him to stay home for a while until things blow over."
"Oh," she closed the letter. "That would explain why they've both been avoiding my questions about work."
He didn't offer her a response, but she caught sight of the angry look in his eyes. Her previous comment must've offended him. Good, she thought, at least I know I can get under his skin sometimes.
Hermione opened Ron's letter with a smile that soon faded. To begin with, his letter seemed formal, until she got to the last paragraph.
I know you've been going through a difficult time, so I want you to know that I still love you. I haven't forgotten about our kiss during the battle, which is why I will wait for you. Then, after this is all over, we can be together again.
Love, Ron.
An angry whine came from her chest and her fingers curled around the vexing words. Who does he think he is? Wait for me? He acts as if I've been away on holiday instead of recovering from serious trauma!
"Miss Granger…?"
Does he think that I want him that bad? I'm perfectly capable of making up my own mind!
"Miss Granger!"
Why does he think I want to be with him? I know that we never talked about the kiss, but a reasonable person would understand that that meant things weren't up for discussion.
"Hermione!" The letter was snatched from her fingertips and she glanced up at Professor Snape. His eyes roamed over the words, then he scoffed and handed her back the letter.
"What a rambling buffoon," he sat back down.
"You can say that again," she muttered. "I'm not sure when I ever gave him the impression that I wanted him like that! However, the part that bugs me the most is that he said he'll wait for me! It's as if he's waiting for you to patch me up just so you can ship me back like a bloody mare."
"He's never been good with words," he placed his book on the side table. "However, I'm sure underneath all of his rambling is a genuine proclamation."
She could feel his eyes on her, and her cheeks immediately flushed. I might be coming down with something? "He's implying that I'm damaged goods. Ronald expects you to fix me! I don't even want to be touched by people, let alone be with someone in such a way. I don't know if I'll ever get to that point again."
He cleared his throat. "Would you like to talk about it?"
"Not really," she sighed. "The whole idea is rather depressing."
She watched him adjust his robes then link his fingers together and rest them against his chest. "You shouldn't disallow touch completely. It may be difficult at first, but I've read that another person's — gentle — touch can be healing."
"My options are rather limited at the moment," she sheepishly looked away from him, meaning she missed the small smile that grew on his face.
It occurred to Hermione that they were having a normal conversation; it didn't matter that the topic itself was sensitive, she found herself enjoying the relaxing atmosphere.
"How about I help you write an articulate response?" His suggestion caused her to smirk, and she raced over to his side and knelt down in front of the small table bedside him. They spent a good twenty minutes thinking of ways to insult Ron with fancy words, which he wouldn't understand, but that made the letter a lot more fun to write.
Night soon came upon them after they spent a long time reading in silence. She found herself casting Snape sneaky glances, only to have him always catch onto to her curious stares. By the time Hermione felt her eyes closing, she came to the conclusion that touch may be helpful to heal her. However, there was only one problem, Severus Snape was the only person at her disposal.
She stood up on shaking legs and placed her book back on the shelf. With a long, staggered inhale, she turned on her heel and headed towards his armchair. His head was bowed as he read his book, which made it easier for her to make a quick getaway.
Ever so slowly, she etched closer without him knowing, then suddenly bent down and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Goodnight, sir."
She ran off like her arse was on fire, unable to handle what expression it had brought to his face. She buried herself beneath her quilt and prayed that sleep would claim her soon.
AN:/ Sorry for the wait! I decided that I didn't like the chapters that I wrote after this one, so I started again - accidentally deleting them - then I changed my mind again and wanted to go back to the old chapters (so I've been busy trying to remember what I previously wrote!) Anyway, thank you to everyone who favourited, followed and reviewed!