The fear hit me like a truck, physically knocking me off my feet, just before a painfully bright light screeched through me.
The grunt of wheels…
The painful throb in my chest…
Bright lights destroying me from the outside…
And the world went black.
Chapter 9- What is my Name?
Trigger Warnings: Hospitals, sickness, self-hate, mild panic attacks, physical hurt, hinted abuse.
(Alex's POV)
"Alex? Are you ready?" A knock sounded from my room with a head following around. Jessica stood in the doorway and looked on in pity at my state. I didn't answer, just turning towards a mirror. My face was bruised. My neck was bruised. Underneath these clothes, my calves, thighs, arms, wrists, chest and back were also bruised. Thunderclouds of purple, blue, green blossoming came across my skin. Knee caps padded with bandages, underneath them, many tiny, yet, deep cuts. They'd been cleaned but I couldn't help but feel so dirty, grimy, gross. Yes, my physical aspect was sanitised but swap that with my mind and you have a complete twist in circumstances.
"Alex?" She stepped further into the room but I couldn't face her. I simply gazed into my own dull eyes, whatever spark was left there before was now totally spent. Discarded like garbage. Deliberately knocked out of me on that road just outside that house. However, that car may have been the best thing to happen to me in the last year. My last chapter was about to be left behind in this room. Alas, that was just a chapter. I was too far into my story at this point to begin a sequel.
"Alex." Jessica placed a hand on my shoulder, causing me to flinch. Her hand didn't move though and just turned me around to face her. Our eyes never met nonetheless. She sighed deeply and handed me my old rucksack.
"We got it back from Mr. Montgomery's. Everything's in there I think." She smiled a smile etched with empathy as I just nodded at the floor, his name just an icy void. I shivered.
"You've also got your medication in there." She added, "Penicillin, painkillers. Things like that."
Once she realised I wasn't going to humour her with conversation, she just pulled an arm around me, guiding me through the halls of the hospital. Buzzing, chatter and wheels screeching along the tiles seemed to tick the sound box in my brain. My eyes just continued to scan my tatty shoes as they trod with a limp next to her own.
Outside the hospital, the air blew frigidly and the clouds loomed over the sky above. The street lights outlined the fragments framed in the trees around the carpark. Each a little silky strand of light glistening on the edges. Jessica's crystal blue eyes also caught the glint as well as the ginger bun she kept messy on her head. Her car was parked at a halfway point, a silver sedan. The leather seats chilled and magnified by the glass windows from the outside temperature.
She offered out the front seat but I settled for the back, tightly clutching the tatty bag to my chest. Her radio hummed but I never payed attention to what she put on. It was usually just some sports station that aimlessly discussed football. I really didn't see the point of those talk show things. You don't need a group of men to explain how Rooney kicked the ball or how Hugo Lloris missed the ball by an inch therefore it cost them the whole game. If you're that much of a fan, you'd use your eyes, and you'd watch the game. Besides, all you do is watch a fit man or woman kick a piece of leather around a grass field. I knew there was skill involved with it and I guessed it was okay to watch once and a while. But the fact these people get paid more than nurses and doctors who save lives every day, that was just wrong.
I blew out a breath, fogging up the windowpane. Houses bent into the next, those lines in the road snaked beneath us and the sight of peoples' frozen faces as we whizzed by. Like their eyes followed but could never quite grasp an image in their minds, staring right through me. There was the occasional speedbump we forgot to slow down for making Jessica mutter a curse under her breath.
I simply lay limp with the door supporting me slightly slanted. Not even reacting whenever the car made an unexpected break and I lurched forward in my seat.
I didn't know how long I'd be here, I just knew the house was in the area around my school. An area I barely knew. Before, I lived in New York. A grubby, polluted area where sun-dried gum and old cigarette butts speckled the streets. Cracks splitting down tiles in the pavement, potholes littering the skid marked roads. Not all of New York related to that city stereotype though, we just happened to live probably the worst area we could. New York was the only place I knew other than… no. I wasn't going to go there.[MM1]
We approached a street which must have been on a much wealthier estate. The gardens were well groomed with almost perfectly pruned greenery. On most, white picket fences stood cute and petit just in front of hedgerows.
The car however continued past into another new area. Taller, larger buildings grounded in strict rows. The flora just as pristine and the gardens just as nurtured. Other than the larger size in houses, the most prominent difference was longer, twisting driveways and shiny new cars parked on the gravel.
Some houses had their curtains open to what must have been a living room immersing in yellow light. Most however had them closed, producing a low glow in the gaps between the fabric and windowsill
I relaxed further into the seat and let my eyes fall closed in preparation for sleep. It was almost certain the car wasn't stopping around such a rich neighbourhood like this one. Except it did.
Altering from the smooth hum of the wheels to crunching, rang out beneath us. One of my eyes lazed behind the other when they flinched open. Outside the window, we were pulling into a gravelled drive, the lawn neat, and bushes lush- even without the midday sun. Their lawn was almost wild compared to how everybody else's was unnaturally flat. This house was large, well, everything around here was large. I hadn't seen any wealth quite like it before. Well, only once.
In most cases, closest thing I had ever got to 'luxury', would have been a working class styled house. Big enough to have your own space, but small enough to be homely. This place was just massive. More tall than wide but still huge in my own mind.
Other houses down the street must have had extensions, because this house (despite its grand size) seemed a lot more reserved and smaller than the others. But it was still massive. There wasn't any contradicting that.
The car came to a halt just along the bend of the drive, just behind an average-sized, white SUV. Jessica didn't say anything except hinting at me through her mirror to open the door first. But I just sat there, fiddling with a hangnail, diverting her eyes from mine. All she could do was let out a sigh, get out the car and open my door with a sort of pitiful frustration in her expression. Though I remained with my eyes down and shuffled in my seat.
"Alex, come on."
I rolled my eyes but urged myself out the car. My first few steps were shaky and weakened but I pushed forward biting back winces. Jessica did offer to put her arm around me, however I shrugged her off. I didn't need anyone. I've handled years by myself and found a way to survive.
I just had to survive.
And people just limited that.
"Trust no one, because you can't even trust yourself."
She gave three knocks on the door but it opened almost instantly. Though my mind slowed everything down in HD. Light trickled out, illuminating our figures stood on the porch. What were they even seeing? A middle-aged woman in a fine, smart attire? Or a damaged, malnourished, sickly looking boy clutching a tatty rucksack to his chest? I daren't even look up. I daren't speak.
A shadow appeared in my peripheral vision while I looked to the floor.
"Hello there!" Jessica stepped forward, no doubt using the smile she was paid to use. "I'm so sorry about the circumstances."
Great. She was apologising for me being a complete fuck up.
"That's not a problem, honestly!" My ears pricked up on a woman's smooth, silky voice. Even the small giggle she let go of was sweet and dripping with sugar. Whether it was bitter sugar at this point, I didn't know. I hadn't got to taste beyond the first layer yet.
"Please," she chirped, "come inside."
The light from the door expanded as she must have opened it wider.
Still, I never looked up.
Their floor was oak, well-polished and had early been cleaned. Jessica managed to put an arm around my shoulder to guide me through wherever we were going.
"George," that sweet woman chimed again, "this is Alexander."
"Hello Alexander." His voice was deep, heavy, slightly gruff. My head shot up to meet the man the voice belonged to, my heart was simply drumming with terror.
Amazing how negative always beat the positive, isn't it? I never looked up at the woman because she wasn't a threat (or didn't seem like one). But once he spoke, I had to somehow look danger in the eye.
He was tall. Shit he was tall. It seemed all he was made of was just muscle. What he wore was casual yet, smarter than what most would wear as an everyday outfit. He was the definition of your stereotypical man (other than being black). The kind with no faults in society today. Broad shouldered, wealthy, muscly, tall. Arms that could snap a twig like me with ease. To people on the outside, he could do nothing wrong. Charismatic, charming… He could get away with anything…
My blood ran cold.
"Alexander?" That woman knocked me from my thoughts and directed my attention towards her.
She looked just as pretty as her voice sounded. For starters, her hair was long, black and silky, reaching down to just above a slim waist. Her eyes were glazed over liked newly cut glass, dazzling, their deep, brown colour purely. Her brown skin was beautifully radiant. Every single one of her other features, angelic. But I couldn't get carried away. After all, looks were deceiving.
I didn't realise how silent I was until everyone's eyes were on me, waiting for me to reply. Simply, I waved. Well…. The wave closely resembled a hand twitch along with a dainty smile. Thankfully, this seemed enough of an introduction and the Washington's gave satisfied response.
"Alex, this is George and Martha Washington. I did mean to tell you earlier but-"
"I know." I cracked hoarsely, not bothering to watch the pity in the other twos expression.
"Well, it's nice to meet you Alexander."
Ah. Alexander. That name seemed alien at that point, even though I knew it wasn't the first they'd ever said it. It had been years since I'd been called that. Alexander. 'Alex' or ''Lex' usually worked as a better substitute. I didn't mind the full name, no. It felt like home being called it. Hot nights in the peak of summer. Every window opened wide just to catch the slight, humid breeze that ran its course through the island. The thick perfume of asopao clouding the house and my mother calling us all into the kitchen, I always being the first by her side.
"¡Cuidado, Alejandro! ¡Uno de estos días, marca mis palabras, te caerás!"
"¡No te preocupes mamá! ¡Soy fuerte! ¡Puedo manejar cualquier cosa!"
She'd chuckle and mess up my already scraggly hair, "I do not doubt it, mi hermoso chico."
It was only my family who would call me that- or Lexi or Alejandro. Alexander, I could take others calling me. The only reason I got people to call me either ''Lex' or 'Alex' was because people didn't like how my full name sounded in the states. So I was just 'Alex' or ''Lex'. End of.
I wanted to say 'ditto' or 'same here' or something like that, but these people seemed far too sophisticated for my city slang.
"You too." I forced out with a hint of a 'smile', again, she seemed satisfied.
If it's okay, I'd like to run through some things on the phone." Jessica stepped forward and I subtly hid in her shadow.
"Yes, of course." Mr. Washington, confirmed in a calm voice.
"Thank you, but I've got other appointments I'm late for and New York is a long drive away. I'm going to have to make a quick exit. Thank you again for doing this." Jessica pulled her shoulder bag higher, smiling in apology. I couldn't help but look at her with worried eyes. She bent over and hugged me, not too tightly, but securely. I had to hug back, this might be the last time I saw her in months, years.
I might not have even see her again.
Me and Jessica never really saw eye-to-eye but, she was the only person I could just about trust in this world- even though she wasn't any good at her job. At least, she hasn't exactly done her research into my homes in the past. Who's to say that she'd changed this time? But she had always been there to me.
"I promise Alex, these folks are good people." Her grip tightened as she whispered almost inaudible to my ear.
"You've said that before."
She pulled away still holding me by the shoulders giving me a pitiful look.
She let go and walked back over towards the door, playfully saluting with a smirk, "Good luck kiddo."
I copied her actions hinting at a faint smile. But she soon departed, with the lock of a door. The Washington's stood watching me inquisitively. My bones just simply tremored. A hit? A yell? Their eyes remained content but, fuck looks.
"So, do you prefer Alexander or Alex or…" Mrs. Washington kept up her perfect grin, breaking the enduring silence, not bothering to name all the abbreviations I had. There were many.
I honestly couldn't care what I was called. Unless it was 'Lexi' or 'Ali'. Those two names were off limits. Both from a memory as different as fire and ice. But I don't think I'd have to mention that. 'Alex' or ''Lex' being the usual, the two other names weren't the first alternative to come to mind.
"I-I don't mind either way."
Despite my stutter, the two remained content. I'd presume they were still smiling, but I watched as my feet rubbed small, hovering circles into their oak floors. I needed to stop acting so pathetic, act strong and confident, show that they couldn't break me if they tried. However, none of that was true. On the inside, I was broken. Like a log infested with woodworm, it looks normal, but is weak, being eaten from the inside out.
Just straightening up my posture, giving a small smile made all the difference- even if it would never reach my eyes.
It's always the eyes, isn't it?
"Sounds good." She spoke while I snapped up a little too hastily, to watch her gaze on my tatty rucksack. Everything I owned, confined in a threadbare, black material.
Her expression gazed on, verging on the edge of confusion, like she wanted to say, 'Is that all you've got? Jesus, you look like a piece of shit. Could you not have made a bit of an effort?'
Okay, the last two sentences were my minds input on the situation. But who's to say she wasn't thinking that? It was probably true anyway.
She must have caught onto my embarrassed look and fluttered away her stare, "Sorry." She took a step behind her, "You must be tired. We can continue introductions in the morning if you'd like?"
Continue? Hadn't we already met? Mr. and Mrs. Washington, my new foster family?
Evidently, my confusion made it to my face which Mr. Washington picked up on.
"Didn't we mention Gil?"
I shook my head.
"Sorry, Gil's our adoptive son. Your age actually!" Mrs Washington gave off enthusiasm in her words.
Again, I wanted to say something in reply, but all I could do was nod my head with a slight smile.
"Ha. The only way to shut you up is if someone almost breaks your neck. Maybe they should next time. Freak."
"Like we said, I think it'd be better if we talk in the morning."
Like an idiot, I nodded again, turning dazed on my heel to face a tall staircase.
"Your room should be the second door in. Would you like me to show you?"
Thankfully Mr. Washington remained silent and gave me no reason to look at his ominous figure. Habitably, I shook my head with no words and tentatively gripped the banister up the stairs. All the way up I could feel their eyes burn me with a gaze. Yet, even though that sensation should have been lost at the top of the stairs, something else began to cage me. However, I kept on forward, following the floor on. My path should have been just rugs, tables, walls, doors- thinks like that. Not a pair of legs stood in the first doorway.
My first assumption was my foster brother… what was it? Gil? But once another pair of legs stood beside the original, my heart beat raced. My neck a dead weight, with slow movements I looked up towards two straining gazes. Both shocked, and both as equally confused (if not almost terrified). A few seconds' delay and I mimicked the emotions tenfold.
How the hell could they be here? He be here? What do they know? What did he see?
Two of them. Two teen boys gaped, eyes bigger than that of a basketball and I took a step back, my quivering jaw trying to say something. The scary thing was that I had no clue what.
One of them- taller, dark skinned with a curly, thick, jet black afro pulled tight behind him- gathered himself together and smiled. Almost like a switch from shocked to what displayed as friendly. The other boy however, his expression narrowed into an inquisitive… scowl? I couldn't exactly tell. But putting my knowledge together, the tall one must have been Gil. The other was the boy from the fire. The Laurens kid (or at least I thought so).
If I had stayed for a moment longer, somebody would have had to say something and I didn't want to be around for that. Clenching my fist around the tatty bag I held, hurrying my stumbles towards what I'd been told was my room, they stood gobsmacked again in the hallway.
My breathing hitched in my throat, I flung a hand there to stop anymore form falling out, that's when I saw my hands trembling, fed with each continuously rapid beat of my heart. Their indistinct mutters buzzed lowly but with the click of a door closing somewhat steadied the shakes escalating from my wracking figure.
This cannot not be happening… This cannot not be happening…Oh god! This cannot not be happening!
Was I really staying in a house with those two? Jesus Christ, was my luck really this bad? What was I saying, of course it was. Surely I'd have realised that by now.
But of all the places I had to be sent… I just had to have been sent here.
With that, I began to pace. Everywhere, not even looking around the room. Just pacing.
What was I going to do?
Abruptly, a car horn beeped from outside my window forcing me up in fear.
Wait… window…
Looking back on the circumstances, now would have been a good a time as any to begin planning escape routes. With so many treats in the house, I needed at least some reassurance where to go.
I limped hurriedly to the window, leaning out scanning for a shed, maybe the conservatory, or even a bush would suffice as something quick to land on. Unfortunately, nothing but a gravel-bedded landing would prey on me there. The conservatory was on my side of the house, but a lot further to the left from where I looked down. It would be too far to jump from my window ledge, but stuck to the wall were some external patterned bricks, almost like stepping-stones I could step on to get to the lower roof, though the fall of a literal bone-shattering drop wasn't something I could ignore. So I guessed if it was my only option for a desperate situation- although, still an option none-the-less.
There was always the 'dart-for-the-front-door' path. But depending where I was in the house could be a problem. Still, I'd have to accept that.
Just as I was looking around the room for more ideas, a door caught my eye. In the panic, I must have missed it. I doubted it was a boiler room because the heated gurgle was most prominent outside my door. So was it a bathroom? To be honest, in a place like this, an en-suite wouldn't one as a surprise; only in the way of that they gave me a room with one was alien.
I took a step in the door, standing by what I first thought.
Like the rest of the house, it was clean, white and organised. Not too spacious yet, bigger than what I was used to. A shower, sink, toilet, usual bathroom products- but no window. AKA, no escape route.
So I was left with two options. Out the window and out the front door. Back door could be a choice too. That should be enough.
I should've began to unpack but, unpack what? Notebooks, biros, a photo, books, a hairbrush, and a tacky toothbrush? These people had already replaced half of what I owned, so I didn't really have anything to put away. Besides, they'd probably get sick of me within a week.
Looking around, I didn't know what to do. I was so tired but also very grimy looking at the shower. But would I risk it? Taking a shower in a stranger's home? What if they… no. I wasn't taking a wash.
I splashed water over my face but that was it. I looked in the mirror. Pale, skinny, frail. Sickly. Sweat blending in with the pure tap droplets almost oiling against the grease on my cheeks. I was rank. And the rich house wasn't helping my esteem in anyway. They'd see how basic I was. So if they were anything like Mr. Hill, they'd change me again. I didn't want that.
My frayed hoody sufficed as a towel despite three neatly folded on a towel rack.
I just wanted to sleep. I could do that. The bed would be interesting anyway. Not silk sheets, but probably the comfiest thing I'd see in a life time.
I limped forward to the door frame except just like a gong, my head rung as rapid as the bile rose. My legs fell towards the toilet, hands fumbling to lift the seat. The acid ruptured my throat like daggers of heat, and the room wouldn't stop spinning. Then it happened again. Again and again and again until I was just retching up nothing but saliva. It was as if I was being electrocuted, tensing and untensing, eventually falling sprawled across the floor yet my stomach relentlessly kept heaving out nothing. An eternity had passed by, and things began to loosen. My stomach settled and my limbs just took to shaking. My throat was still a blaze with feeble coughs. My heavy eyelids drooped closed as the bathrooms piercing light started to dim, still with the putrid stench filling my nostrils. Exhaustion had finally kicked in.
Authors Note:I'm not going to bore you all with my rant on how late this is xD (although, it's technically not late because I don't have a timetable soooooooooooooo…)
I've been helping somebody else on this site write as well! She's so amazing you just HAVE to check her out! Oh yeah, her name is 'ColdInMyProfessions' the writer of 'For The First Time I'm Thinking Past Tomorrow'! She's so amazing! You need to read her work! Its tenfold what I can do!
But yeah! Reviews guys! This chapter is the turning point on the story, everything will unfold and shit is gonna BLOW UP! (in like 80,000,000,000 chapters tho lol)
I have SO MUCH planned for this! Its unbelievable! I just want to say (and I hope I'm right here) that this will hopefully be different from all the foster care Hamilton fics out there (damn I hope I'm right!)
Also! Hit me up on Instagram, 'rae_x_l.e' with updates on all my stories. Ask me stuff and ill respond ASAP :)
Please leave y'all AMZAING reviews! It always makes me grin looking back at everything you guys put,
"Every Little Helps"- Tesco xD
-L.E-Rae _x_