Though healing may come…it never comes easily.
Rodney and Ronon entered Carson's room; Ronon pushing a quiet John in a wheelchair. John's face was a study in emotions as he saw Carson, who was standing facing the wall in a far corner of the room; his lips were moving silently, one hand gripping the side of his head.
"He's getting worse." whispered Rodney.
John sighed sadly. "Guys, can you give us a minute?" he asked without looking at his companions.
"You sure, Sheppard?" Ronon asked, gripping John's shoulder.
"Yeah, I'm sure." he replied softly.
Ronon nodded and touched Rodney's elbow motioning for them to leave; he gave the guards a look and they followed behind them.
"We'll be close by if you need us." the warrior stated before the door closed behind them.
John nodded to no one and stared at his friend.
"Doc?" he whispered, wriggling uncomfortably in the wheelchair when Carson didn't respond.
"Carson?" he said a little louder, rolling himself closer to his friend.
Still no reaction.
John sighed and pulled himself to his feet, leaning against the bed in the center of the room. He glanced up at the observation room as Ronon and Rodney joined the others, and felt a myriad of emotions flood through him; relief that he and Carson were back home, anger over what had been done to them and a heavy guilt over why his friend in front of him was the way he was.
"We're safe now." John whispered. "Doc…" He froze when Carson flinched and pressed his hands and forehead against the wall.
"Hey…" John frowned, biting his lip as he slowly moved around to the other side of the bed, while trying to squash down the sudden influx of images that burned through him of the man he had thought of as his father, and the weaknesses that had allowed him to accept the lies he was told.
He'd been gullible…
A disgrace…
"Arex?" John said hesitantly.
Carson slowly turned, his eyes flicking fearfully around the room then back to John.
"M'lord?" he mouthed.
In the observation room, there were looks of confusion as John's eyes widened and with a shake of his head he stepped forward hand outstretched.
"No…no…it's me Sheppard. It's okay, we're safe…it's…"
Carson gasped and moved, his back slamming up against the wall under the observation room.
"Sorry…m'sorry…" No sound passed his lips as he said this, then he raised his hand and began to yank at his hair to the horror of John.
"Arex…Carson…stop it…stop!" John moved to him and grabbed his hand and the doctor froze, his eyes flicking around the room then back at John and then he grabbed him, pulling him close and whispered frantically in his ear…
"Ya shoulda just killed me!"
Carson stepped back, nodding sadly and John could only stare at him, mouth slack in horror, remembering similar words spoken to him when he had failed another man. Heart broken, he looked up towards the observation room.
No one in the room had heard Carson, but the shocked look on John's face caused them all to glance at each other; their level of concern rising higher.
Would they ever be able to help their friends?
Later, when they asked him what had happened in the isolation room and what if anything did Carson say to him, John stayed quiet.
They would never understand…
They told him that it was Odalia who had given them the information leading to Carson and his freedom.
They told him about the creature that had hurt him, Carson and Lorne; and that it had resulted in him "checking out" for a little while.
He didn't remember seeing the creature or the resulting fallout and that bothered him…feeling so out of control.
"You don't have to worry Colonel." Jennifer told him, mistaking the look of concern on his face as fear about the creature.
"After I did more tests, I had it destroyed. I couldn't find anything to explain how it did…what it did…I'm sorry, sir.
John nodded stiffly, his mind far from the dead unknown creature. He had to check on Lorne to make sure he was okay…he had to make sure Carson was okay…
He kicked himself mentally, self-hatred brewing within him.
He should have been stronger.
Lucius had fooled him…and now his friends were hurting and he had no one to blame but himself.
Lorne had surprised him by coming by to see how he was doing.
"How are you, sir?"
"I'm fine, Lorne. I heard about…your attack. I-I'm sorry you had to go through what you did."
Lorne cocked his head to the side. "I'm sorry too. We should have found you and Beckett earlier so you both wouldn't have..."
"I heard you've been cleared for duty." John interrupted him, a grin on his face.
Lorne frowned and slowly nodded. "You will be too, sir…maybe give it a few more days. I wanted…" Lorne cleared his throat. "I wanted to say how sorry I am about what happened in the clearing on the planet, sir. I'm glad it didn't come to what it almost did. I couldn't…Sir?"
Lorne stopped talking when he saw John pale dramatically in front of him; his eyes first confused then frantic in his calm face.
"Sheppard, you okay?" Lorne asked softly, then realized what he had done; the Colonel hadn't remembered the clearing…
But now…
Damn.
"Sir, I'm…"
"I'm glad you're okay, Lorne." John's body was tense, his tone stiff, pushing for an end to the conversation.
Lorne nodded, then left to find Jennifer, concerned that he had just done more damage than good.
The air was cold as it wafted through the darkness of the nearby trees.
Carson shivered, frozen in one spot as a hooded figure walked towards him, the hidden moon masking its face in shadow. He frantically looked around willing himself to move because he was by the hill…that hill. His chest clenched as he saw the Sovereign and Nahkhan silently standing, watching him by the edge of the trees.
Nonono! He couldn't betray them again!
"Carson?"
His eyes swung back to the figure as it drew nearer.
He couldn't move, his heart beating faster as he struggled to run, but his feet wouldn't obey.
"Carson? You're safe…" whispered the figure. It was almost upon him and his brows furrowed in confusion.
He looked back at the Sovereign and…
Where was Nahkhan?
The moon slid from behind the dark clouds as he spun back to the hooded figure and gasped. It stood in front of him head down, and directly behind it to its left stood the Sovereign's son, ramrod straight, and staring at him.
"M'lord?"
Nahkhan turned towards his father in the distance and whispered,
"Liar."
Confused, Carson quickly glanced at the Sovereign then back to his friend.
"Liar!" Nahkhan repeated, louder.
Anger tinged his friend's voice, crisp and acrid in the night air; his eyes still on his father.
Nahkhan then turned back to him, his eyes, piercing in the moonlight, his hand now on the figure's shoulder as the figure slowly raised its head and pulled back the hood.
It wasn't the blonde woman; it was…
It was…
"Teyla?" Carson murmured, twitching in his sleep.
His eyes fluttered open for a moment then closed again, sleep wrapping around him.
Rodney opened his eyes and blinked, staring at the tablet in his lap for a moment, then over at Carson's bed; he thought he heard something.
He looked up at the night nurse in the observation room, then stared at his sleeping friend for a moment; shrugging and stretching his legs on the edge of Carson's bed, he closed his eyes and returned to sleep.
-tbc-