A few days later, after complaining that he was well enough and wanted some privacy, John had been allowed to return to his quarters.

Jennifer had frowned at him, as he prepared to leave the isolation room; seemingly staring past all the walls he was trying to click back into place. She reminded him of their agreement, that he would check in at the infirmary once a day until she deemed him fit to return to duty.

"I'm fit now." he argued, but she knew different as she stared at the dark circles under his eyes and the defeat in his countenance that was so unlike the man she knew.

Lorne had spoken to her about the conversation he had with John and she was concerned at the unwarranted guilt the Colonel was burying himself under.

"Get some sleep sir." She replied. "Then maybe we can talk about your return to duty."

John's eyes narrowed, lips pursed as he took the sleeping pill packets from her, then turned and left for his quarters.

He couldn't sleep…or wouldn't. He wasn't sure anymore. With sleep came the reality of who he had become and what he had done. So he spent the following days disappearing into the bowels of the city, trying to get further away from himself, further away from the smiles and the false words of people who just didn't understand.

He was weak.

The stash of sleeping pills Jennifer continually gave him grew in the bottom drawer of his night stand; as he walked the dark hallways, remembering moments where he should have known better. Re-living the blood and the anguish and the look of fear and sadness on one of the nicest men he knew.

They would tell him that it wasn't his fault.

But wasn't it?

A light swung overhead in the darkened room as he stood in a corner shaking, staring at his hands that were red.

Frowning, he clenched and unclenched them, confused; their stickiness causing his breath to falter.

Hands grabbed him by the shoulder and his eyes shot up to the smiling face of his father appearing out of the darkness.

"You have made me proud, son. Look..."

Lucius turned to the side, pointing at Carson who stood soaked in blood under the swaying light, a puddle growing at his feet.

Carson smiled widely, blood seeping through his teeth and bubbling over his lips as he laughed and stepped towards John.

"It's okay" he chuckled, his Scottish brogue was thick as more blood poured from his mouth and he took another step towards John, arms wide as he nodded.

"Ya did good m'lord…I deserved it…I deserved it…I…"

"NO!" John shouted shooting up out of bed and tumbling to the floor, startling Teyla who was meditating cross-legged on the floor nearby.

"Colonel!" She stood reaching for him, her brows furrowing as he scrambled away from her touch.

She stepped back for a moment allowing him his space as he tried to focus on his surroundings.

"Are you…alright, John?"

John's eyes flicked to her's and he concentrated on slowing his breathing.

It was a dream, a stupid dream!

"Here." Teyla stretched her hand out to him.

He glared at her hand and ignored it getting to his feet.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and slowly swiping a hand down his face.

"You did not answer your door, so I had Rodney open it for me. We are worried about you..." She pointed at the open drawer of the night stand filled with the sleeping pills.

"It was ajar." she explained.

John narrowed his eyes. "I'm fine, Teyla."

Gullible

I will never be proud of you

You were never my son

Teyla sighed. "John, you need to talk about it."

John glared at her.

"Talk about what?" he snapped.

She stared at him for a moment, quieting the frustration she felt over his stubbornness; neither he nor Carson asked for what had happened to them.

"You need to talk about what is keeping you from sleeping and Carson from speaking."

"What?" John chuckled weakly getting to his feet. "You don't know anything about it."

"Then tell me."

They stared at each other for a moment, John's face a lesson in sadness and stubbornness.

"I need some air." he finally muttered and headed for the door.

"I will come with you."

"No."

His one word cut through her as he turned.

"It's not safe for anyone to be around me." she heard him murmur as he left.

-tbc-