"Where are you going, John?" John muttered to himself, his footsteps echoing in the empty hallway.

"I don't know." he answered himself back.

It was a truthful answer. He had been walking for over an hour, his mind a cavern of echoes, bouncing back reminders of his mistakes.

He knew what he was doing wasn't helping; but he knew if he spoke with his team, that they would say it wasn't his fault and would try to convince him that he should move on and go back to being their Colonel, their Sheppard once again.

But how could he?

He had taken the word of a violent man over one of his best friends. He had hurt the man whose only crime was trying to convince him of a truth that he just could not see.

How could he trust himself after that? How could his team trust him?"

John stopped and sighed, then turned and with a sudden shout, slammed his fist in the nearby wall; pain ripping through his arm as he heard a crack.

Whipping his arm back he tried to flex his bloodied hand and winced at the sharp pain.

It was broken.

Just like…

Shut up, John…just shut up! He huffed at his inner voice.

I'm trying… he thought, holding his hurt hand close to his chest.

How was he going to break free of the echoes? Staying in the bowels of the city didn't help.

Maybe he needed a different view. He started walking back.

Maybe…

…instead of down…

…he'd go up.

As the early morning sun started to gather its strength for the day, happiness and concern echoed through the halls of Atlantis. The news that Carson had spoken wound through the rumor mill like wildfire; many clinging to the hope that this was the first sign of their friend's return to them.

The concern was bought on by the fact that John had gone missing. It was not long after Carson had finally spoken, that the blip on Rodney's tablet had disappeared from the screen causing a moment of heart wrenching panic, then downright frenzy as John and Lorne's teams, along with groups of marines began the search for their leader.

"McKay," started Lorne, as they made their way down a hallway, marines surrounding them.

"HE'S NOT DEAD!" shouted Rodney, his eyes never leaving his tablet, begging for the lone blip to reappear once more; some of the marines up ahead turned back to look at him.

"Jeez, McKay." Lorne huffed, slowing his pace. "I never said he was! I just wanted to ask if you're sure we're headed in the right direction!"

They walked in silence for a few seconds more, heading towards where the tablet had last brought up John's location when Rodney glanced up and gave Lorne a quick…

"Sorry…"

"It's okay, I get it." Lorne sighed. "There's a good explanation for all of this; if we don't find him first, I'm sure Ronon or Teyla will; then Sheppard can tell us for himself.

At hearing of John's disappearance, Teyla and Ronon had split up and started their own search for him.

They had just gotten back one of their friends…it would be too cruel now to have suddenly lost the other one.

Jennifer and Woolsey smiled at Carson who was sitting up in his bed staring at them.

"How are you feeling?" Woolsey asked.

Carson blinked, then continued to stare.

"We talked about this, Carson." said Jennifer. "We need to hear you speak."

He twitched, his mouth opening and closing, then…

"J-Jennifer." he whispered.

"Hi." she grinned.

He turned to Woolsey.

"Mister W-Woolsey…"

Woolsey nodded happily.

"It's good to have you back, doctor."

Carson slowly looked around the room.

"This…this is real." It sounded like both a question and a statement.

Jennifer gently gripped his arm.

"This is real and you're safe. Can you tell us what you remember?"

Carson squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them and looked at Woolsey.

"I'm… not a traitor." he quietly pleaded as his eyes frantically searched the room.

"We know you aren't." replied Woolsey sadly. "Doctor Beckett, who are you looking for?"

Carson's eyes landed back on his.

"N-not a test?" he asked hesitantly.

Woolsey sighed and turned to Jennifer who took a deep breath and gripped Carson's arm a little tighter.

"No, Carson." she said. "It isn't. Remember we…"

"Nahkhan!" Carson blurted out, startling himself and the others in the room.

"Wh-where…where is he?" he asked, digging his fists into the bed, in frustration over his struggle to speak.

Woolsey looked at Jennifer.

"That's a good question." he replied.

The sun had reached its peak in the sky when Teyla found John.

Standing on one of the balconies far from the central tower she was frustrated.

"Where are you, John?" she murmured.

She turned to go back in to continue her search when she happened to glance up and to her left.

Slowing to a stop, she shaded her eyes and peered upwards, her heart stuttering in her chest; legs hung down from a platform far above her.

She touched her comm.

"Ronon, I found him."

"I-I need ta see him!" Carson argued, starting to pull his legs of the side of the bed.

"Wait…just wait!" Jennifer gently pushed him back down.

"N-no…I…n-need…tell him…tell him I…" he grimaced, his words wouldn't come.

Jennifer slowly exhaled. "Carson, please listen."

She waited until his movements slowed, feeling sad over the distraught look on his face.

"Colonel Sheppard is here on Atlantis, he's just…" she paused, searching for the right word. "Missing at the moment…but everyone is looking for him."

She saw the fear and confusion in Carson's eyes.

"He will be found." she promised.

"Don't…d-don't hurt him…" he murmured.

"We would never hurt him." said Jennifer. "Nor you."

"I…I hurt him." Carson's voice exuded regret.

"You hurt him?" Woolsey asked, confused; the doctor's blood had been on Sheppard's clothing, not the other way around.

Carson nodded. "I-It was all my fault."

The door swished open and Teyla and Ronon stepped onto the large platform, the glare of the sun blinding them for a moment.

When they lowered their hand, there was Sheppard a few feet away, lying half on and off the platform, unmoving, his legs hanging over the edge.

"Colonel?"

Still no movement and Teyla was sure her heart had been torn from her chest.

"Sheppard?" Ronon's deep voice trembled in the sunlight.

Suddenly John twitched then started to stir, and the two members from the Pegasus galaxy could suddenly breathe again.

"Sheppard, you okay?" Ronon asked.

John slowly sat up but had yet to turn around; with his back to them and one hand clutching the edge of the platform he looked out on the city far beneath them.

They weren't sure what to do next; with John silently sitting right on the edge they didn't want to startle or upset him.

"Colonel?" Teyla's tone was filled with all the questions she wanted to ask:

Are you okay?

Where were you?

Why won't you talk to us?

"You guys don't give up, do you?" John chuckled, then softly hissed.

"Are you hurt?" Teyla asked taking a tentative step forward.

"No."

Ronon sighed, he wasn't giving them much to work with. "We thought something happened, your life signs stopped showing up on McKay's tablet."

"I know…" said John, raising his head slightly as if to take in the sun.

"I needed some time alone, without Rodney's proverbial eye in the sky watching my every move, so I asked Atlantis nicely to help me out."

Teyla and Ronon glanced at each other; silently in awe over the reminder of John's unity with the city.

"I'm sorry I worried you guys."

"Sheppard, why don't you come away from the edge and we can go inside and talk about it?" Ronon held out his hand hoping John would turn around and they'd be done with this.

John leaned forward.

"No!" shouted Teyla.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to leap to my death...yet." The humor in John's voice was worrisome.

He was silent for a moment then exhaled loudly.

"I just needed some space…I had to think."

Teyla looked around and up at the expanse of sky above them.

"Colonel, I…"

John snickered. "We're off the clock, Teyla…and that title is pretty laughable at the moment.

Teyla glanced at Ronon and they both inched forward.

"Guys, I said I needed space." John said without turning around and they both stopped in their tracks, surprised he had heard them.

"Col…John, there is not much higher you can go. Have you found the space you were looking for?" asked Teyla.

They waited a moment then saw him slowly nod.

"You know…" his voice was hollow. "I've been going over and over it in my head. None of this would have happened if I'd just been stronger."

"John, that is not true! You are blaming yourself for something that was out of your control!" said Teyla.

"Yeah, did you plan that meteor storm? Did you plan getting taken?" Ronon asked.

John was silent for a moment, then they heard his breath hitch.

"He told me that something was wrong…that we were wrong…not who we were told we were….and I hated him for it."

They wanted to ask questions but kept silent…John was finally talking.

"I hated him so much…my father was finally proud of me and he was saying it was wrong!"

The door behind them swished open then closed as Rodney and Lorne walked in in mid-conversation; Teyla had called in John's location before she met up with Ronon.

"…only two life signs, maybe they didn't…" said Rodney, his voice dying on his lips at seeing John sitting at the edge of the high platform. Frowning, he glanced down at his tablet then at his other team members whose hard stares kept him from voicing his confusion and fear towards his friend sitting precariously on the edge.

The door swished open once more and Rodney glanced back to see Lorne nod at him, as the door closed leaving John's team alone on the platform.

Rodney turned back to the scene in front of him wishing he was caught up on what was happening.

He gulped, taking a step forward.

"Sheppard?" he whispered.

-tbc-