He gulped, taking a step forward

"Sheppard?" he whispered.

"Hey, Rodney." replied John, his voice odd in its lightness.

Teyla held up a hand to Rodney, shaking her head, then turned back to John, hoping their team member's entrance wouldn't stop him from continuing.

"John, I have good news," she said. "Carson has started to speak again!"

He slowly nodded. "That's good to hear."

"I am sure he would love for you to come and see him!"

John's staccato laugh sounded harsh in the sunlight; making Rodney move to stand next to Ronon and Teyla.

"Sheppard, he's your friend, he'll want to make sure you're okay…just like we do." Rodney said.

John laughed softly and his team hated that he had yet to turn around.

"You're wrong, McKay. The last time I saw him wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs."

John pressed down on the platform with his hand, shifting himself.

"Sheppard!" shouted Rodney.

"Oh for Pete's sake, McKay…relax!"

John settled with a sigh and a tense silence fell over the platform, then…an anguished whisper from John slipped across the sunlight.

"I listened to him…I listened to my fath…to Lucius instead of to my friend. I listened to him, and to make him proud I…I made it clear to Carson just how much he betrayed me...and…"

John started to shake.

"….and…a-after I…hurt him…when he begged for me to leave with him…I decided my fists weren't enough, so I used my words to cut him down; then I abandoned him…

...the Crippled. Unwanted. Healer…"

John's back heaved, a heavy sob filled with self-loathing coming from his hidden face.

Now, his team understood.

The team was shocked into silence; hearing for the first time what they had feared to be true. John's overwhelming guilt, Carson's blood found on him, the Scot's silent fear…

Their anger towards the man who had done this to their friends grew sharper and deeper at that moment.

"John, that wasn't you!" exclaimed Teyla.

"Then who was it?!" John asked, exasperated.

Rodney hesitantly stepped forward.

"Sheppard, you had no control over what happened!"

They saw John's body tense.

"I had control." he muttered.

"Or you just thought you did!" argued Rodney.

John huffed, "McKay…you weren't there!" Anger soaked in resignation laced his words.

John's team looked at each other, this had to end.

"I get it, Sheppard." Ronon murmured.

"A whole village died because I spent one night with them…one night. They treated me with kindness and I handed them their deaths."

"The Wraith killed them, not you." John said as he stared numbly at his swollen hand lying in his lap, his eyes filled with unspent tears.

"And Daravilus hurt Beckett, it wasn't you!"

John frowned, "But…I did hurt him."

"It wasn't you." Ronon repeated. "If it was really you, you wouldn't have done it. The dice was rolled for you Sheppard. Start rolling the dice for yourself. Beckett doesn't need the guilt that's coming off you… he has his own, he doesn't need yours too. What he needs is your friendship. So get away from the edge and let's go see him."

Silence.

"Don't make me make you, Sheppard." smirked Ronon, hoping that would get a rise out of his friend.

A pause, then John chuckled "I'd like to see you try."

"Would you?"

"Really?"

"Ronon!" said Ronon, Rodney and Teyla all at the same time.

John took a deep breath, a tremor running through his body, he smiled to himself then shimmied backwards away from the edge before standing and turning to his friends.

"No, I'll take a rain check on that." he said.

When the team saw his swollen bloody hand they moved forward quickly.

"You are hurt!" Teyla exclaimed.

John winced at her touch. "It's not that bad." he murmured.

"If you wanted to give me a heart attack….congratulations!" Rodney snarked.

John smiled. "Sorry, McKay." He then looked at Ronon.

"I think those are the most words I've ever heard you speak. You tired? Wanna sit down?"

Ronon smirked, shaking his head.

"Funny, Sheppard."

Then the Satedan grew serious, as a tear escaped John's eye, slipping down the side of his cheek.

"You okay?" he asked.

John was about to brush off the question with his usual…

"I'm fine."

Then stopped and looked at his team.

They needed him, but not like this.

Not broken.

And he needed them if he was ever going to get through this; if he was ever going to be himself again.

He swiped at his face with his good hand as more tears fell and shook his head.

"No…I'm not okay."

His team froze for a moment, astonished he actually admitted it; then snapping out of it got to work helping their friend.

Ronon surged forward and put John's arm over his shoulder.

"Lean on me." The warrior murmured as they all turned for the door.

John felt weak, his legs shaking beneath him so he was happy for the steadfast support.

Teyla called in to Jennifer telling her that they were on their way to the infirmary.

"You look horrible, Sheppard…" scowled Rodney.

"Rodney!" chastised Teyla.

"What? He does!" He glanced over at John as they walked through the doorway.

"I mean, when was the last time you even ate anything?"

"I dunno…" murmured John.

"Hypoglycemia is real, Sheppard."

He started to pat his pockets. "I think I have a protein bar here somewhere, just…"

"I am sure Doctor Keller will give him the proper nutrients, Rodney." Teyla sighed.

John chuckled softly. "Thanks anyways."

As they rounded a corner they found Lorne standing there.

"Hey, Lorne." smiled John.

"Colonel, I'm glad you're okay."

"Thought you left…" whispered Rodney as they continued towards the infirmary.

"I wasn't far away, was just giving your team some privacy." Lorne replied.

"Privacy?" Rodney scoffed. "What we needed was a stretcher!"

"Enough, Rodney." sighed Teyla.

"Yeah, shut it, McKay." grunted Ronon, a warning in his voice.

"What did I..?"

With a glare from the Satedan, Rodney quickly quieted.

And as they all moved down the hallway, John couldn't help but smile to himself.

A familiar feeling of home enveloping him…

It felt good.

Carson sat on the edge of his bed staring at the medical boot on his foot; he vaguely remembered the makeshift brace Sarek had used and how he had wished for something better.

And here was the something better given to him by the Lanteans.

He frowned…the note given to him in the village said he was working with people who wanted Nahkhan to remain delusional about being from Atlantis…and now here he sat in the same city safe and warm...but what about Nahkhan? Had they hurt him? No, they told him that Nahkhan would be found…but were they lying?

Confused, he rubbed his forehead, trying to hold back his fear and thought about what he'd been told.

Nahkhan was John Sheppard.

He was Carson Beckett.

And Atlantis was their home.

It all rang of falsehood and truth entwined together and it made his head hurt.

I'm not a traitor…

I'm not…

He stared at the comfortable boot on his foot and wanted to leave but the door was guarded; the guards standing firm, shaking their head at him the two times he tried.

He needed clarity, the truth…but what he needed most was…"

The door to the room opened and he looked up to see a man and woman enter, he got to his feet, fear clutching at him...

They were the ones in the village that followed me!

…then quickly fading away; warm familiarity suddenly replacing cold uncertainty.

"Rod…ney...T-Teyla?" Their names awkwardly wrapped around his tongue.

They both smiled widely at him then stepped aside, and Carson gasped clutching the bed behind him as Lucius entered the room; then he blinked and the image was gone and he saw it wasn't the Sovereign at all.

Ronon

And next to him was…

"I made them bring me here first, before Keller got her hands on me." John smiled then grimaced at the shooting pain in his hand.

Carson stared at him.

Seconds passed in silence.

Frowning, John stepped away from Ronon, gripping his hurt hand to his chest.

"It's me, Carson… Sheppard." The two men stared silently at each other.

"I'm sorry, Carson." John finally whispered; his eyes filling once more with tears. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

The silence continued a moment more, then Carson's eyes widened, the clarity he was waiting for suddenly becoming apparent to him.

He truly wasn't a traitor…

…and he still had a friend…

Carson stepped away from the bed, his eyes flitting over the others in the room then on the man standing amidst them and hesitantly...

...he smiled.

-tbc-