The days passed slowly and hellishly at Chicago Med. In between Casey's episodes of shaking and sweating and screaming and vomiting and dry heaving and and crying and stomach cramps and hallucinations and occasionally having to be restrained much to his immense displeasure, he wouldn't talk, he hardly ate, Kelly had to coax him just to drink water so he wouldn't get dehydrated, all he did was curl into a fetal ball facing away from the door and cry. Every so often, a delivery was brought to the room, flowers, balloons, Kelly sent away the ones that specifically mentioned sympathy or condolences, the rest he kept but tore up the cards and just told Casey they were a get-well gift from the guys at 51 and their families. To keep suspicion from arousing, he called Boden and had him relay the message to everyone else that Casey was in worse shape now than when Hallie died and was so grief stricken he could barely eat and was hardly sleeping, and especially with the flu he had, his condition had gotten worse and doctors wanted to extend his stay to keep an eye on him and make sure there were no sudden complications. It had been hard for them to hear but they understood, and it had been hard as hell for Severide to lie and pretend that Casey was in the shape he was because he was mourning Gabby, but he knew he had to.
Voight came in the evenings to relieve him of his watch, and though Kelly hated to leave Matt, he knew he wouldn't get any rest staying there watching him all night. Not that he got much rest at home in his apartment either because all he thought about all night was Casey, but he was able to get some sleep knowing that Casey wasn't alone, and though their working relationship with Voight left something to be desired, at least he knew Hank would call him immediately if there was any update in Casey's condition. He knew when, when, God, he hoped it was when and not if, when Casey could finally be released from the hospital, there was no way he could go back home. Before he finally went to bed he spent a couple hours each night going around the apartment trying to get it ready, make sure he had everything Casey would need, he'd gone to the apartment and gotten some of his stuff already and brought it there. He really didn't think Casey would want to turn down the offer to stay with him, he didn't think Casey could turn him down considering the alternative. All he could think about was getting Matt out of the hospital and bringing him home with him, where he could keep an eye on him and know he was alright.
As much as Casey wanted to die, both from what Gabby had done to him, and subsequently Kelly finding out about it, and from the physical hell of detoxing, he felt that after a point the days started to get a little easier. Maybe he was just hallucinating again and didn't know it. But it seemed he was sleeping a little more now both in the day and night than he used to. He didn't know what was going on, but Voight stayed with him at night, then Kelly came and stayed with him in the daytime, that was the only way he could really tell what part of the day it was. He didn't know time, he didn't know daylight, every time he opened his eyes, everything looked the same. He wasn't really sure what to make of Voight staying in the bed with him every night, though he knew there was a reason for it. One time, shortly before Kelly came to the hospital, Casey went into a violent fit of vomiting and threw up on himself and Voight. He'd been subjected to another sponge bath, and after that Voight brought a change of clothes each night. He wasn't sure if he was just seeing things or not, but when Kelly came to the hospital and found out what happened, he would've sworn he could see a smile on the Squad lieutenant's face at the thought of Casey throwing up on Voight.
He had no concept of what day it was, or how long he'd been in the hospital. One time he opened his eyes and Severide was asleep in the chair beside the bed. He opened his eyes again, and this time Kelly was in the bed beside him asleep. Ever since Kelly had returned to Med with Voight, Casey felt a paralyzing fear of being on eggshells, and just waiting for the bottom to drop out. Kelly had been there every day, and been nothing but supportive, but Casey just knew that it wouldn't last. He took the comfort that was offered, but he was terrified to reach out for more, feeling positive that that would be where the line was crossed and Severide pushed him away, and right now he couldn't take it if that happened. Even now with Severide asleep beside him, he was too scared to hardly move, incase Kelly woke up, incase...but he didn't have anyone else, and he knew it. Careful not to even breathe too loudly, he very slowly turned closer towards Kelly and very carefully reached out and grabbed hold of him, and leaned into him and closed his eyes, and tried to go back to sleep.
What Casey didn't know was that Severide hadn't been asleep, and once he felt Casey settle against him, he opened one eye and watched the blonde lieutenant, and listened to his breathing until it became steady and rhythmic and he was sure Matt was asleep.
Kelly didn't know what it was that still scared Casey so much, but he never pushed, he knew the whole situation was difficult enough for Matt as it was, he wasn't going to make his best friend anymore uncomfortable than he already had to be. He wrapped his arm around the sleeping man and held him closer against him and closed his eyes and waited to fall asleep himself.
"Do you know what you were on?"
Kelly finally decided it was time to lightly probe Casey to at least get a discussion started. He knew Casey wouldn't like it, but he thought it had been long enough that he could ask.
The look on Casey's face said otherwise.
Kelly sat up straighter in the chair by the bed and told him, "I'm not trying to embarrass you, and I'm not going to ask you about what happened...but do you even know why this is happening to you? Do you know what all you were on?"
Casey looked down at the blanket covering his legs and wouldn't face him.
"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to," Kelly told him. "But if you want to talk about it, you can."
Casey was silent for a minute, before he finally raised his head and answered hesitantly, "Valium...sleeping pills...ketamine...and insulin." He looked down again and couldn't bring himself to look at Severide.
Kelly had no idea what to say in response to that, he hadn't actually thought Casey would tell him. He reached over and pulled Casey into a tight hug and told him, "It's alright, it's over, it'll be over soon, you just have to hang in there, you're doing well."
He felt the sobs before he actually heard them, Casey's whole body trembled against him. He knew this wasn't another withdrawal episode, this was the shame Matt had been carrying around ever since the whole thing started. It was one thing merely knowing that Severide knew what had happened, it had been another to actually admit to what had been going on, what he'd allowed her to do to him, to admit that he knew what she was doing and to some extent had actually played a role in her plan.
"It's okay, it's okay, Matt," Severide tried to assure his friend. "I know you didn't want to do it."
A hiccuping spasm wracked through Casey's body as he tried to form the words to ask Kelly, "Wh-would you ha-hate me if-fi-I did?"
"I know you didn't," Kelly answered simply. "Matt, I know you."
Or he thought he did anyway. How could he know his friend so well and be so oblivious to what was going on? But he knew it wouldn't do any good to bring that up.
Voight was on his way to Casey's room for the night when he heard something amidst the typical sounds of a busy hospital, and he stopped, and traced the sound to an empty exam room. He pulled back the privacy curtain and found Severide sitting on the floor with his knees bent and tears streaked down his cheeks.
"Something happen with Casey?" Hank asked.
"The doctor was saying..." Kelly leaned forward and stood up, "all the drugs that he was on...even once everything's finally out of his system...there could be permanent brain damage."
Voight's eyes widened, "Don't tell me he said that in front of Matt."
Kelly shook his head, "No, he told me out in the hall."
"I know this is a lot for you to deal with, Severide, but we can only take it one step at a time, first Casey has to get detoxed for us to find out where he's at, and in the meantime it won't do any good to worry about something that might not have happened."
"I asked him," Kelly told the sergeant, "I asked Casey if he knew what Gabby drugged him with-"
"Why would you do that?"
"He doesn't know what all she did to him," Kelly told him. "He admitted to a few things...he has no idea how bad it was."
"Or he was too embarrassed to admit everything," Voight replied.
"No," Kelly said firmly. "It was killing him to tell me what little he did...he wouldn't have done that unless he thought he was giving me the whole story." He sighed and told Voight, "You were right."
"Sometimes I wish I wasn't," Hank told him.
"What do I do now?" Kelly asked.
"Go home, get some sleep, I'll keep an eye on him."
"I can't, I need to stay with him."
"We talked about this, Severide."
"I know, but I'm not leaving."
Voight looked at him for a minute, then said only, "Alright, let's go."
Voight opened his eyes and saw Casey and Severide asleep in the hospital bed. Over the past few days Casey had developed a high tolerance to sleeping at night with the lights on, so to make it easier for him and hopefully less confusing, they'd obliged him on that. He knew that Casey's whole stay in the hospital had been hell, but the lieutenant honestly looked better now than the first day he'd been brought in.
Everybody was hoping that before too much longer the doctor could discharge Casey and he could go home, the question was how would he adapt back to life outside of the hospital? What he'd come to accept as 'normal' was gone, and what he once knew as normal before that time, was so far in the past and nobody except Severide had any clue how long ago that had been for him. Returning to anything resembling his old routine would be hard as hell, especially if Casey chose not to disclose what happened to the men he worked with. Of course Voight realized Casey was in a no-win situation, either he kept what happened to himself and continued to suffer in silence, or he dropped this bombshell on everyone who had worked alongside and known Gabby for years, who would never be able to imagine she could possibly do any such thing, and that would no doubt create a rift in the firehouse. It was his word against a dead woman's, who was everyone likely to believe? He knew Severide would back Casey, and that would lend the Truck lieutenant more credibility, but the rift would still be there. If needed, he could always come in and remove any doubt that what they said was true, but that would be a hard pill for everyone to swallow, and the family dynamic of the firehouse likely wouldn't survive knowing something like that. Catch-22 indeed.
Casey felt somebody beside him in the hospital bed. He didn't know what time it was, if it was morning or night, he was surprised at how quiet the room was, he opened his eyes and slowly turned over, and felt his whole body freeze. Pins and needles coursed through every inch of his body and he could hardly even breathe.
Antonio Dawson was laying on the other side of the bed in a dead sleep.
Casey felt his legs trembling and the vibrations slowly worked up to the rest of his body and he was shaking like a leaf, it was another minute or so before he was able to open his mouth and scream in terror.
Voight was down the hall when he heard the noise from Casey's room and ran to see what was the matter, and even he was surprised by what he saw. Antonio had been released from the hospital a few days ago, arguably in well enough condition to go home and mourn his sister, and the last anybody had heard from him he was still there, and still in the dark about what Gabby had done, so what he was doing here was anybody's guess. Voight made his way into the room and quickly extracted Antonio from the situation and dragged him out to the corridor.
"What're you doing here?" he asked his detective as he let go of him.
Antonio was wide eyed and confused. "I came to see how Casey was doing, he was asleep so I decided to stay until he woke up, I guess I dozed off after that. I didn't mean to scare him."
Voight was satisfied with that answer and exhaled, "It's alright, I don't think you did any real damage."
"How's he holding up?" Antonio asked.
Voight shrugged. "He has good days and bad ones, most of them have been bad. Antonio...I think it would be a good idea if you handled the arrangements for Gabby. Casey simply isn't up to it."
The look on Antonio's face told Voight he wasn't in much better shape, though for different reasons. Voight had decided he'd let Antonio bury his sister and properly grieve for her, and then he'd break the news to Antonio. As there was still an open investigation to what and who she'd been dealing with, he would have to be brought in on it sooner or later, right now they could afford to wait for later.
"What's Casey gonna say?"
"I don't think he'll be able to attend," Voight told him. "This has all been too much for him, and he doesn't want his work family to see him fall apart."
Antonio glumly nodded in understanding. "Okay...I'll...I'll get it taken care of."
"I'm sorry, bro, I know how much you loved her," Hank said as he pulled Antonio into an embrace and clapped him on the back.
"I still can't believe she's gone, Hank," Antonio said as he pulled back. "I...I don't even know who's told Eva and Diego, or if they've been told...how do I explain to them that Gabby's never coming back?"
"Unfortunately I think they'll understand," Voight told him. "I'll catch up in a minute, I have to go check on him."
Voight returned to Casey's room, Matt had quit screaming but he sat straight up in the bed like he was going to bolt at a moment's notice.
"Sorry about that, Matt."
"What's Antonio doing here?"
"It's alright, he doesn't know," Voight assured the frantic younger man. "He came to pay his respects."
Casey covered his face with his hands and groaned.
"I told him he should deal with the funeral arrangements. Do you agree?"
Casey sighed and nodded in response.
"Okay."
"Where's Kelly?" Casey asked, a note of panic evident in his voice.
"He's on his way. You want me to stay with you until he gets here?"
Casey exhaled a longer sigh and shook his head. "I'll be fine."