To avoid a repeat of last time, Severide managed to talk Casey into making an appointment with a different therapist, and he hoped seeing a man this time made it easier for Casey. They pulled up to the office building and started up towards the door when Casey stopped.
Kelly reached over and put a hand on his shoulder, "Come on, Casey, you got this."
"I can't do it, Kelly," Matt responded, "I thought I could...I can't..."
Kelly wracked his brain trying to come up with a solution.
"Would it be easier if I went in with you?" he asked. Casey turned and stared at him. "You know, sat in on the session, would that help?"
"I...don't know..."
"Come on, Casey. How about this, I'll go in with you and if you change your mind, I'll sit it out in the waiting room, I'll be right there if you need me, would that work?"
Casey felt his chest tightening and thought he was going to start hyperventilating. "I don't know...I don't want to do this."
"I know, I know, but it's not going to get any easier...we're already here, I'm right here...you'll be fine."
"What if I can't do it?" The fear was present in Casey's voice. "What if I get in there and I still can't talk about it?"
"Probably wouldn't be the first time that's ever happened," Kelly replied. "That's why they have more than one session."
Casey felt something, it was a hand squeezing his hand, but he couldn't move his neck to look down and see it, he felt just about paralyzed with terror at what he was about to do.
Kelly looked him in the eyes and told him, "I know you can do this, Casey."
Casey closed his eyes and breathed heavily in and out for several seconds before he wrenched his eyes open again and said in a tone bordering panic, "Okay...let's get this over with."
Kelly managed to keep a reassuring smile on his face, to cover the fact Casey was squeezing his own hand so hard he was about to lose all feeling in it, and didn't even realize he was doing it.
"It'll be alright," he told his friend.
Casey felt like all the bones in his body had turned to jelly. He lay on his side curled up in a ball on the couch, hearing a pained moan coming from his throat, barely even feeling the strength to keep his eyes open. He felt Severide's knee under his cheek and felt the Squad lieutenant's hand rub up to his shoulder and down to his elbow and up again in a consoling manner.
Kelly had sat in with Casey in his therapy session, and they had actually gotten through the whole session, only half of it Casey had been able to talk during, and though the psychiatrist hadn't been particularly pushy with his questions, it was obvious from watching Casey that it took a lot out of him just to answer at all. He'd held himself together long enough for them to get out of there, then promptly fell apart once they got in the apartment, and he hadn't been able to pull himself back together since.
Severide spoke to him quietly. "I know you didn't want to do it, Matt, but I'm proud of you, I know how hard it was, and the worst of it's over now, now you know what to expect when you go back."
Casey groaned even louder as he thought about having to go back and go through it all again.
Severide's hand moved from his arm up to his head and stroked over the top of it.
"Hey, hey," Kelly practically whispered to him. Casey didn't open his eyes but he was listening. "I love you, Casey."
He opened his eyes halfway and looked up towards him. He saw Severide's hand held down to him, he reached and grabbed it in his own like a lifeline.
"I love you too." His first words since they'd left the therapist's office.
Kelly's hand disappeared from his grasp, he felt it on his arm again, squeezing it reassuringly.
"You're okay, just take it easy."
Kelly hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep but as he opened his eyes he realized the weight of Casey's head was no longer pressing on his knee. He sat up straighter and saw he was the only one on the couch, Casey wasn't anywhere to be seen. He looked at the clock and realized he'd slept over an hour, he got up and made his way through the apartment looking for the Truck lieutenant. He thought he was hearing things, but it clicked that he was hearing the water in the bathroom running.
"Casey?" Kelly stood against the bathroom door and listened. He could hear the shower running but nothing else. He knocked on the door and slowly opened it.
"Casey?"
"I'll be out in a minute," he heard from the other side of the curtain.
Kelly felt his eyes widen, but he just responded, "Take your time," and pulled the door shut behind him.
A few minutes later Casey emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He looked notably better.
"You okay?" Kelly asked.
"Yeah," Casey nodded as he headed towards the bedroom, "Sorry about earlier."
"Hey, I think you did very well given you stayed the whole session and you didn't try to kill the doctor."
Casey didn't laugh at his joke. Instead he got out a change of clothes and told Kelly, "I...I'm thinking about...not going back to my place, but I'm going to start looking for another apartment."
Kelly felt like his stomach dropped.
"I told you you can stay here as long as you want."
"I know...and I appreciate it...but this isn't you, Kelly...we both need to try and get our lives back together."
Severide had no idea how to respond to that.
"And..." Casey took in a breath, "I'm thinking about going back to work soon. I'm going stir crazy sitting around here all day, I need something to do. I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm still a firefighter, Kelly, I have to come back."
He wasn't sure how to respond to that either, except to tell him, "Everybody's been asking about you, I know they're anxious to have you back."
"And you?" Casey asked.
"Me?" Kelly wasn't even sure what the question was. "Casey, all I've wanted is for you to come back."
Matt slowly nodded. "Thank you."
"I'll...I'll leave you alone," Kelly said as he backed out of the room and pulled the door shut so Casey would get dressed.
Casey might've been looking for a new place to stay but the search wasn't a quick one. He was still staying with Severide a month later, and one particular night found the two lieutenants on the couch in Severide's living room, Casey on his knees and just about to topple over on Severide as the two held on to each other and whooped victoriously as they watched TV.
"Finally, the first Super Bowl in years that didn't suck," Casey said as the excitement finally died down.
Kelly laughed as he finally let go of Casey and remarked, "That was a great game." It had been an intense, entertaining, roller coaster three and a half hours, and Kelly was very thankful that he got to experience it with his best friend and not each to their own apartments miles away from each other.
Casey finally got off his knees and sat back down beside him and said, "Thanks for letting me stay here while I look for a new place."
"Hey, I'm glad to have you here...it's definitely a lot more fun having someone else around," Kelly told him.
"And it definitely helps having someone to come home to after shift," Casey said distantly.
He'd gone back to work at 51 three weeks earlier, but the adjustment had been hard and he'd only managed to put in two shifts each week so far. Boden had been very understanding for not knowing any of the real details, and had Herrmann fill in for him one shift each week. He'd also gone back to therapy, and after the first few times was actually able to speak with the doctor for the full session and Severide's presence was no longer needed for him to be able to stay in the room. It was a slow, tedious process, but he kept at it. Everybody at 51 had been so supportive when he returned, and things were slowly adapting into a new kind of normal, but Casey still wasn't back up to full steam yet and Severide knew it. But he was getting there, and Kelly hoped that one day he'd be back at 100 percent.
Kelly smiled at him and replied, "Hey the feeling's mutual."
A couple hours later they were both worn out and ready to call it a night. Severide headed to the bedroom, then looked back and saw Casey making up the couch and he called over to him, "Hey, get in here."
Casey turned to him with a confused look on his face.
"Not the first time we've slept in the same bed, come on," Kelly nodded his head towards the bedroom.
Casey didn't get it, but he followed after Severide. "Okay."
Most nights Casey preferred to sleep alone but every so often he wound up climbing into bed or onto the couch with Kelly, depending on what the sleeping arrangements were, and they still changed almost every day.
Casey stepped lightly over to his side of the bed, as if he was intruding, and crawled under the covers without a word.
"Goodnight, buddy," Kelly turned off the light and hunkered down under the covers on his side.
"Goodnight."
Two weeks later Casey found a new apartment to move into. Kelly had gone with him back to his place, helped him load up his stuff and take it over to the new apartment, helped him unload everything and settle in, and stayed until 9 that night. Almost reluctantly, Kelly finally left, but told Casey to call him if he needed anything. Casey promised he would, but he didn't.
Life slowly moved back towards normal after that. Casey kept attending therapy and his doctor said he was making tremendous progress, Matt finally returned to 51 'full-time' all three shifts a week, started interacting with the guys off the job as well. Kelly kept enough of an eye on him that he knew for a fact Casey wasn't seeing anyone yet, dating seemed to be the furthest thing from his mind, not that Severide was too surprised by it, and he wouldn't be surprised if it was a few months before Casey even considered the possibility. Still nobody at 51 had any idea what had really happened, and Casey didn't seem to be in any hurry to tell them the truth, Kelly had to respect his wishes, but knowing what he knew and going along with such a blatant charade was enough most days to nearly drive him crazy. Off shift he tried to keep in touch with Casey since he knew the Truck lieutenant's nights were eerily empty now. At any other time he'd suggest they go clubbing to try and pick up women, but he knew that was out of the question. Once in a while they went out to a hockey game, sometimes for a change of scenery they went to a bar that Severide knew for some different atmosphere while they drank themselves into oblivion. A couple times they went out to the movies, but most of their nights together were spent at each other's apartments watching TV on the couch.
Months passed, and even though Kelly knew that Casey was getting better, he couldn't help but feel that Matt was still depressed, and no surprise, he himself felt thoroughly depressed, despite his constant efforts to help perk up his best friend. Kelly started to think that they might both need a change of scenery. It was about time for one of his trips out to Las Vegas just to break loose and shake off the cobwebs, he'd decided in a couple weeks he'd ask Casey if he wanted to go with him. He thought getting out of Chicago for a while would do both of them some good.
Then one day Casey was gone. Just gone. His apartment had been locked up, everything was still inside, his truck was still parked outside, everything of his was still there, the only thing missing was Casey. Kelly had been the one to make the discovery, and he had no idea what had happened. Every possible worst case scenario was running through his mind, but he had enough sense to speak with the landlord first. The man told Kelly that two days ago Casey had given him six months' advance on the rent and asked him to keep the place as it was. Kelly sincerely hoped that Casey had meant it, and that that meant that he would be back, but where had he gone? The landlord didn't know, Casey had just told him he was leaving for a while and wasn't sure when he'd be back.
24 hours after Kelly discovered Casey missing, everybody at 51 had received a group text from Matt saying he was fine, apologizing for worrying them, and not to worry about him, he was taking some time off to come to terms with everything that had happened over the months. Nobody could help being worried or concerned, but they decided Casey knew what he was doing.
Then that night, Kelly had gotten a lone text from Casey, no explanation for why he'd disappeared on them, no explanation for anything, just a short message permitting him to tell everyone at 51 the truth about what happened with Gabby. Not even an apology, though Kelly wasn't really expecting one, for leaving this up to him when Casey wasn't there to deal with any of it himself. In truth, he guessed he couldn't blame Matt for hauling ass before asking this favor of him. Shoe on the other foot, he definitely wouldn't want to be present for it. He still wasn't sure what was going on, he didn't know what Casey was doing, what the plan was, if he had a plan, where he'd gone, he just laid awake in his bed that night praying heavily that Casey wasn't going to do anything drastic, wherever he was.
Severide had never stopped to wonder what 51 would be like actually without Casey, what life in general would be like without him to see, to talk to, to hang out with. The first week he felt like he couldn't even breathe, he tried contacting Casey but there was no response, he felt like his best friend truly had disappeared and was gone forever, and he'd already known that feeling twice before, it made him sick now.
The next shift, Kelly braced himself for what was to come, and got everyone's attention and finally told them the real story of what happened when Gabby died. Everybody was shocked, but nobody dared call Severide a liar, everybody knew he had no reason to. It hadn't been easy to finally tell them the truth, and Kelly understood now why Casey didn't want them to know, even Boden was visibly sickened by this discovery. The next couple shifts were passed in largely awkward silences among the firefighters and everybody processed this new information about their lieutenant, their former PIC, and the two's whole relationship.
The week after that, Kelly looked around one day and realized in horror that they were actually adapting to life without Casey, and while the logical part of him knew life had to go on whether he was there or not, it scared the hell out of him because it felt like they were forgetting about him, as if he'd never even existed. As much as he hated it, he himself found it easier to get through the day not thinking about Casey, not wondering where he was or if he was okay, or even if he was still alive. At night, always at night it came back, that dreaded fear, that they'd never hear from him again, or worse, that one day he'd get that inevitable phone call that they'd found a body with Casey's ID and needed someone to come down and identify it. Those thoughts kept him up at night, but he was able to put them away throughout the day, show up for shift and do his job. To avoid thinking about it he started taking extra shifts during the weeks. He lived for the unpredictability of the nights at 51, if calls came in all night, so much the better. He put off sleep until he didn't have a choice, always scared before he closed his eyes that the phone would ring, and always scared the next morning when he opened his eyes that there had been no call.