Chapter 14: Resolve Can Be Renewed

She didn't know where to begin.

"I know Jared. He can be sweet. He can be lovable. We do have good times together, you know." Her hands fidgeted. "There are just times that he can be…" she paused, trying to capture the right words. "Like that."

Jesse only rolled his eyes while he poured tea into her mug.

"He just lacked emotional connection," she said, unable to keep the defensiveness in her tone. "I mean I get it when he would establish some ground rules. I don't see my friends after work. But it's for the best."

"How so?"

Rhoda shrugged. "So that we have more time together." She frowned down at her mug. "It just bothers me when he doesn't follow his own rules. He always comes home late."

Her hands gestured to the right, as words tumbled out. "But that's not his fault because he can be busy." She gestured to the left. "But then the newsies won't stop spilling where he's been and with who," she looked up to him with earnest eyes, "And I want to believe him. I do."

She gestured back to the right. "But then there was this time he thought I was someone else and he hit on me. I couldn't even ask him about that because I've been going behind his back cracking cases with Edna," she put her hands back to the left, "and it's my fault but I just wanted to help other people and he wasn't always at home-"

Rhoda knew she was babbling. But she couldn't stop.

"I mean, I always got this horrible feeling that he's been fooling around but I can't just believe it, you know? We've been together for so long. But then, I saw it." Tears welled in her eyes. "When t-they..."

Jesse patiently waited for her to finish. She swallowed and drenched her eyes into her rabbit ears. He rubbed her back to soothe her.

"Promise me you won't get mad?" she asked in a small voice.

He nodded. Taking a deep breath, she told him of the time three young women harassed her in the john and Jared rewarded one of them for it. She wondered why telling that story was now making her cry.

Jesse's hands clenched. Rhoda ducked when the room got a little colder. He slowly exhaled and the frost dispersed.

"Sorry," Rhoda mumbled.

His hand held her face, a thumb wiping away a tear-stained streak. "I'm not mad at you. I've been wondering why you haven't been yourself for a long time."

Rhoda rubbed her eyes, relief flooding in her chest. Was this what they mean when they say the truth can set you free?

"I've always known at the back of my mind. But," her hands grasped the air, "I've always got this silly idea that I'd win him back. And it would be just like the old times."

Her hands gripped the table. "I mean, you should've seen him when we were together. He was like a different person when we went steady." She slumped on the table. "You have no idea how much I missed that Jared."

She missed the look on his face as she straightened up in a flash.

"Was that Jared even real?" she asked to no one, almost demanding. "Did I imagined that part of him or… or..." she wilted, her lip quavering.

Did he really lured me to be used?

"Nobody could be that bad," she said outloud, her eyes widening in shock.

Jesse only shook his head. "When did he stopped being that Jared?"

Rhoda took a sip of her tea, shrugging. "A long time ago. A few months after we moved in together." She paused, digesting her own words.

Right after we were really serious about each other.

She flopped back on the table, clenching her ears to her face.

"It can't be," she mumbled. Her chest hurt as the pieces fall into place. "He really did used me." She glanced at Jesse, wondering if she was right.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Jesse spoke, putting a hand on his shoulder. His eyes hardened as frost formed around him. "You've been together for a long time."

She slumped on the table, still holding her ears over her eyes. "It's because I'm too stupid to realize that he-"

"Don't tell yourself that. He took advantage of you."

"It's my fault I stayed."

"You were being you. The Rhoda I know believes in the best of everyone. He took advantage of that. If you left, what do you think you'd do?"

She casted her eyes on the table. "I guess I'd still blame myself for not staying and making things work," she reluctantly answered. "I think I get it now what Edna once told me."

"What's that?"

"Why women blame themselves when their husbands would beat them." Her stomach churned at the comparison. "They couldn't control the men to stop so they blame themselves instead."

"It didn't help that he's always pointing out the speck in my eye!" she exclaimed, sinking on the table and gripping her ears. "I couldn't even make him accountable for the things he'd done." Her mind went back to their conversation on the grocery store. "I always have to explain myself to him, I don't know why."

She straightened up, frowning.

"Why am I supposed to go straight home when he always comes home late?" she asked. "I've wondered about it. Why doesn't he try harder to follow his own rules?"

"Those weren't his rules."

"What do you mean?"

"Those rules weren't for the two of you to follow. Those rules were only for you."

Rhoda became silent.

"He's been keeping me from my friends?" she slowly spoke. "He's been keeping me from my family!?" she raised, her words no longer a question.

"It's easy to manipulate someone when they have no one else," Jesse quietly said.

She laughed in bewilderment. Her laughter echoed in the kitchen when she couldn't stop. Tears started spilling from her eyes as cachinnations took control. It turned into sobs as Jesse rubbed her back.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "All this time, it's always me who's in the wrong, I think it messed up my head."

She quieted. With Jared always pointing out her every flaw, she felt compelled to right herself in his eyes. Even her own thoughts.

"You said he was relishing his hold on me." She drank more of the tea, trying to drown out her sadness. "How did you know?"

"I can see it in his face. Rhoda, you looked miserable and he didn't look like he cared."

She paused. "So it wasn't my imagination?"

"It's not. Rhoda, he's been hurting you."

Silence. "Oh." Her hands squeezed the hems of her dress. "It's just that I think he didn't mean to hurt, he was just speaking his mind."

"When he called you a hand-me-down, that wasn't him speaking his mind. That was him being a jerk."

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Be so detached that nothing affects ya?" she asked, remembering the Maroon Cartoon Anniversary Ball to come. If Jared meant to talk to her, she was sure he'd bait her to make a scene.

He blinked and Rhoda wondered if she had slighted him.

"I know you care a lot," she said, remembering the times his kindness shone. "But nothing seems to faze ya. I want to be like that too."

"Jared always tries to get a rise out of me." She glanced down at her reflection on her tea. "I was never enough in his eyes. If it hurt me, if I react, then I lose because…" Her brows knit into a frown, "Because it gives him a reason to trash anything I would say after."

"You don't have to talk to him."

"He will," she felt surprised at the surety of her own words. "I want him to stop."

Jesse fell silent. "Do you want me to come with you?"

She shook her head. "I already responded to my invite, no plus-one." Her hand clasped his. "It's alright, Jesse." I think. "I know him better now."

His hand turned to hold hers. "Rhoda, I..." they both glanced down on their joined hands before they both let go.

"Whatever you do," Jesse began, "don't expect him to have a change of heart. Telling him to stop isn't going to make him to stop."

"Then I just want him to know I'm not gonna be the same bunny who would bend backwards for him!" she angrily said.

"Don't even think that you can convince him that you've changed either," he advised. "His goal is to make you think less of yourself."

She nodded, digesting his words before she drooped. "I still can't believe he just wants to use me." She chugged down her tea. "Our good times together, didn't it mean anything to him?"

"Some people are just like that," he said, acceptance edging darkly in his voice.

Rhoda stared at him. He sounded like he had been in a similar situation before. "Jesse..." she began. She always had the feeling whatever wisdom he had gotten from life, came from a rough past. Her hands gripped his close. "Thank you."

His fingers moved to hold hers. "Rhoda, I..." He stopped. Then shook his head, retreating back. "... Just be careful around Jared."

In the back of her mind, she wondered what he was going to say. She sheepishly grinned. "It's late. I must be keeping you up."

"You can stay in your room if you want."

Her heart twisted at how he defined his own guest room. "Thanks, Jesse."

He led the way to the stairs. She followed him, feeling the warm comfort of their night time routine.

"Goodnight, Rhoda."

Her lips quirked into a self-deprecating grin, thinking how she had emotionally bared herself in the kitchen. For some reason, she didn't feel regretful at all. For it was Jesse.

She threw her arms around his middle. "Goodnight!" I promise, I'll do my best.

A gasp escaped her when he scooped her up for a better hug, his embrace feeling almost protective.

"Everything's going to be alright."

She blinked out of her shock, clutching him tighter. Jesse, you really are a great person. I hope you know that.

For a moment, she struggled between telling him praise or an apology for being sudden.

She hopped back on the ground. "Sorr-" she grinned apologetically. "You're a great person, Jesse. I hope you know that."

In the darkness, she could see him turn away slightly, a smile in his lips. Did she just made him shy?

"Don't ever apologize."

Closing the door behind her, she sighed. Despite Jesse being intimate for show in his performances, she knew Jesse was never a touchy person. She hoped he felt comfortable with her hugs.

Then she remembered the numerous touches they have shared since she had moved in.

She shook her head. "Don't be lovestruck, he only wants a pal in you," she told herself. With a sad smile, she glanced out of the window to see her rundown cottage.

If I want to get over Jesse, I might've to sell that and move somewhere else. Rhoda nodded to herself. Her hands wrung each other. As a pal, do I have to tell him WHY I'll be moving out?

Not wanting to know what would be his reaction if she would, she tried to imagine Jesse's reaction to having a new neighbor instead.

He'd be okay. Jesse tends to get along with anybody. She considered for a moment, thinking about his and Edna's not-so-warm interactions. I'll have to ask him about that one though.

Her ears drooped, remembering what would lie ahead. It was now one more day before she had to meet Jared again.

He would bait her, she was sure. He would try to make her play the role he had made her play for fifteen years.

Jeepers, I hope I won't get sucked in the same cycle.