Author's Notes: Thank you all so much for the reviews! Please keep them coming! This chapter contains the big reveal of theories I've had since I first saw Pacific Rim and started this series four years ago! The conversations Mako remembers took place in Aurora Borealis. Paul Terrence's perspective of Raleigh's time on the Wall is Chapter 9 of Tales From The Front Lines, and he appears in Chapter 30 and the last few chapters of Aurora Australis.

Chapter Nine: Listen To Me

Mako woke up alone. That by itself wasn't enough to panic her; she could still feel Raleigh. He was in the Kwoon, putting himself through his paces with the hanbō like he always did when he couldn't sleep…but somehow this was different. This was…more like a memory, of something he used to do at the Wall. She got up, threw on some clothes, and stalked off down the hall.

She nearly plowed into Tendo Choi as she approached the Kwoon door. "Oh, thank God, I was just about to call you," he muttered. "He's been at it six hours; that's a bit much even for him." They could hear the hiss of the hanbō in the air even through the door.

Mako swore under her breath in Japanese – not that using Japanese did much good, because Tendo just muttered his agreement, also in Japanese. They stormed into the Kwoon where Raleigh, who must've heard them coming, didn't even break his rhythm. He was sweat drenched and had a look in his eyes (to say nothing of how he felt in the ghost drift) like if he wasn't trying to go until he dropped dead, he wouldn't be particularly sorry if he did drop dead.

"What the hell are you doing, man?!" Tendo exclaimed.

Raleigh didn't turn around. "Yoga, what's it look like?"

Tendo started forward, but Mako caught him shoulder and pulled him back. She shook her head. Let me handle this. She went for a hanbō of her own and charged into the ring, and their staffs crashed together in a full-blown volley. Raleigh should've been exhausted by now, but he was in the rhythm and Mako wasn't – she also hadn't stretched. It was fast, physical, frustrated, and on the edges of her peripheral vision, Mako saw Tendo wincing at how hard their blows rang down the bōs.

Mako knew what Raleigh was looking for: numbness until exhaustion dragged him under. No. No more of that. You've ground yourself and your heart under for too long. You can't start again. Even those brief thoughts earned her a lot of hits, but she and Raleigh weren't counting tonight, and her job here wasn't to win the match or even establish drift compatibility.

God knew they'd taken care of establishing drift compatibility.

She found her balance again and hammered into him, driving him back – his teeth bared, eyes starting to flash as if his opponent was Chuck Hansen, and he rallied, furious at being denied the escape into emptiness he sought. She practically growled at him. No. You're not going. Fight me.

The hanbōs struck each other so hard, Mako felt it in her teeth, and they hit each other hard enough to leave bruises when the momentum wouldn't let them stop in time for a point.

"Mori-san, motto seigyo shinasai," Sensei had said. More control.

She was in control this time…but unlike last time, she was doing all in her power to drive her partner out of control. What would Sensei think about that?

That drift of attention earned her some painful hits, and she forced Sensei from her mind and surged forward to pummel Raleigh back in a hard volley, taking full advantage of her greater speed and his exhaustion.

Under other circumstances, she'd never do this to anyone, try so hard to drive them straight into the ground until they couldn't fight anymore. That was dishonorable and humiliating. Yet she was doing it to Raleigh, her Raleigh.

But how else could she make him stop doing what he was trying to do to himself?

Even now, Raleigh Becket was too proud to run away from a fight, though there was no way he could fail to know her intent. Tendo wavered at the edge of the ring, maybe wondering if he should go, and Mako let herself take a swipe that knocked her off her feet so she could mouth at him, Stay!

Mako had been in Raleigh's mind and memories, but she hadn't been there in the days and weeks after Knifehead, or in the years before when Yancy had been part of his life in the flesh. Tendo had. And Mako had no doubt Tendo understood what was happening here.

The racket of their hanbōs and their bodies hitting the floor drew some attention from other crew, who peered into the Kwoon, but Tendo sent them away. It took a little persuasion for some of the Team Gipsy personnel.

It might have been hours or minutes until Raleigh's technique grew noticeably sloppier, as Mako wore him down, and something began to show in his eyes: desperation. Something almost like fear. He didn't want to go where she was taking him. Mako didn't want to force him to go anywhere.

But the alternative was to let him sink back down into that place he'd spent five years, four months. Not again. Not again.

Raleigh-chan, stop. Stop running. Let go. Let go, love.

Finally, there was no mistaking it: when she threaded a foot between his ankles and her bō snagged his arm, he dropped his staff and let himself fall. They crashed to the ring floor in a tangled heap, and he curled instead of trying to roll back to start position, half towards her, half to hide his face, and she felt the first sob surge through him as hard as the blows they'd been exchanging.

She tossed her bō aside, rolled against him and pulled his face towards hers. Tendo hesitantly came forward, and she beckoned with her free hand, panting as another sob wracked through Raleigh. Then another.

Tendo knelt, putting a gentle hand on Raleigh's back as he and Mako lay there. "Let it out, kid. C'mon, just let it out. Just like before."

"Don't - " Raleigh made a noise that was some mix of a gasp, a sob, and a cough. "Don't want – like before!"

"I know. This isn't like before. You've got Mako."

Raleigh let out a moan and finally reached for her, clutching at her, and she let him bury his face in her neck and give into wracking sobs. Combing her fingers through his sweaty hair, brushing the sweat from her own eyes with her free hands, she rocked them where they lay. "I'm here."

"You said it," Raleigh choked out. "Day we met." Mako frowned, not sure what he meant. "I'was my fault."

It went through Mako like an electric shock, and Tendo's eyes darted to her, blazing. "What?!"

"Raleigh, I never – what are you - "

Raleigh released her and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling, as if oblivious to Mako and Tendo's shock on either side of him. She pulled herself to her knees and put a hand on his neck, fearful he'd try to get away from them. But he didn't, and as fast as the breakdown had come, it was fading back into that numbness she'd been trying to keep him from.

But he spoke, his voice going dull like a confession. "You know it. He knows it. I said it. Must've been on the black box. It was my idea."

"Kiddo…" Tendo leaned over him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Raleigh's eyes drifted towards him, red and wet and tears sliding free. "The boat. We went after the boat."

Mako looked at Tendo in confusion – she knew about the Saltchuck – but Tendo said slowly, "Yeah, you saved the boat."

Raleigh closed his eyes and murmured, "Saved the boat, yeah, but I got Yance killed."

Mako was completely unprepared for Tendo's reaction. He wrenched back, stalked a few paces away, grabbed one of the nearest fallen hanbōs and hurled it into the wall. "Jesus, FUCK, Raleigh, is that seriously what you've got in your head?! That's complete bullshit!"

Even Raleigh was startled, and he started to sit up, but Tendo bodily yanked him the rest of the way into sitting position so he could get into Raleigh's face. "You listen to me, kid. Listen!" Stunned and disarmed, Raleigh nodded. "I spent four years watching the two of you in the sim and in the pilot cradles, seeing what was going on in your heads even if I wasn't in there with you. For fuck's sake, is this really what you've believed all this time!? Dammit, don't answer that." He released Raleigh and rubbed his eyes, visibly trying to calm himself down.

Mako seized the opportunity to break in. "I wasn't there then, but I've lived your memories. You can't hide them from me." Raleigh lowered his eyes. She kept petting his hair. "You and your brother were good partners by then, one of the best teams in the world. You always took risks to minimize collateral damage – together. If you hadn't said it, Yancy would have said it; you both planned to go after the boat. You both chose to take the risk. Before I was a pilot, I didn't understand that – you told me and you were right!"

She could feel him resisting her. Argh, this was going to make her mad again, and getting mad at him wasn't what she wanted to do. But when he mumbled, "I lost my arm, then I was completely useless," she nearly roared at him.

"And Tamsin seized, but if anyone suggested she was useless, I would smash their face – and so would you!"

"Amen," Tendo growled. "Pilots take hits; it's not anybody's fault except the fucking kaiju – Rals, you know that! Why the fuck are you doing this?!" Raleigh sobbed, and Tendo bodily yanked him into his arms. "C'mon, Becket boy, stop this," he said more softly. "It's not fair to you or to Yance." Raleigh sobbed harder. "Look…I dunno what, er…" He shot an oddly hesitant look at Mako, "I dunno what anybody said to you, or what you've been saying to yourself, it was not…your….fault. We all were blaming ourselves after. The twins were basket cases, 'cause they didn't push harder for a lift to Anchorage rather than going home after Knifehead passed the California miracle mile. Chloe Warner and the K-Watchers were out of their minds that they didn't forecast its track better so you'd have backup; they thought he'd pass Anchorage and keep running north because of the storms 'till he went for the Siberian Wall. Pentecost, well - " he faltered again, looking at Mako.

Someone in the doorway said, "Whatever you lot thought about Pentecost's what he wanted you to think."

All three of them jumped. It was Chuck Hansen.

Mako drew breath to ask him for privacy, but Raleigh wearily put a hand on her arm. He didn't care if Chuck saw him like this. "You know now, I guess," Raleigh told Chuck. "Marshal was right; we disobeyed orders. He knew we'd fucked up even before Yancy…"

Chuck was quiet as he came closer. "It's not like that. He never blamed you." Raleigh looked puzzled. "He blamed himself. He knew you two wouldn't abandon any civilians, and he was kicking himself for not paying better attention when you went out. And…" He pulled a wry face. "I know about the deal."

Tendo blinked. "Deal?"

Mako worked out what he meant, and cringed. Raleigh closed his eyes and leaned against her. "Doesn't matter anymore. Doesn't have to be a secret."

Chuck was silent for a long time. "You're right. So you should know too. There was stuff he didn't tell you." Raleigh opened his eyes. "He wanted to stop you from killing yourself, and protect you from the bloody propaganda vultures. Doing what you asked him to do – that'd take care of it. The brass would be afraid of a scandal if it got out."

"Yeah….yeah, I remember," said Raleigh. "What're you saying?"

Tendo put a hand on Raleigh's shoulder again. "We were all flipping our shit, Rals, that'd he dismissed you. We couldn't understand why, but he kind of hinted to me that there was…another reason than just him being a stickler for the rules."

Mako's stomach lurched as it fell into place. "You mean he…I remember, I didn't understand either…because he never seemed to really blame Raleigh. I thought he didn't have a choice."

"Oh, he had a choice, a lot of choices," Tendo muttered, betraying a resentment Mako hated to think of being directed at Sensei. But he frowned at Chuck, then caught the stricken look on Raleigh's face. "So what don't we know?"

"Tendo," Raleigh whispered. He shot Chuck a desperate look, and Chuck shrugged as if to say it was up to him. "He dismissed me 'cause I asked him to!"

Tendo rocked back, his face turned red, and Mako pulled Raleigh to her in anticipation of Tendo shouting again. But he didn't. He turned away instead. Raleigh trembled in her arms until Tendo turned back. "Kid…why?"

"'cause…you know why, I thought it was my fault, an' I wanted out." Raleigh was choking the words out. That calmed Tendo's fury better than anything could have, and he came back to their side. This time, Mako let him pull Raleigh from her and into his own arms.

"Oh my God, Rals. Kiddo…Jesus."

"There's more to it than that," said Chuck quietly. "More to it you didn't know; you were too out of it then. Pentecost…he was trying to give you want you wanted, keep you safe, and keep you away from backlash. That's why he swore you to secrecy – so everybody'd think your being discharged was his idea, and they'd blame him for instead of you. Everyone fell for it except my dad," he added bitterly.

Tendo hugged Raleigh tighter. Mako could see that now Tendo was crying. "I never meant for it to be like that," Raleigh whispered.

"He knew that," said Chuck. "He blamed himself for everybody we lost, especially the ones on his watch. It's not your fault. He knew what he was doing. If he'd had a chance, he'd have told you himself. Just didn't have a chance. There's, uh…" Chuck hesitated and they all looked at him anxiously. "You remember that supervisor who was always at the Wall with you? Paul Terrence?"

Raleigh stared at Chuck, mouth half-open. "What?"

Now Chuck smirked, with a pride not for himself, but for Sensei. Mako had never felt warmer to Chuck Hansen than at this moment. "He wasn't there by accident, mate. They were friends. Pentecost sent him to look after you, make sure you were always safe."

Raleigh slumped between Tendo and Mako, drained and stunned. "I remember Paul. He did…look after us. Not just me. But…Marshal said he had trouble finding me…"

"Nah, he was bullshitting; he always knew where you were." Chuck gave Mako a wry smile…that was desperately sad. "He told me he carried nothing into the drift. I never got the chance to call bullshit on that."

A sob burst out of Mako, and she clapped a hand over her mouth. This time Raleigh pulled her into his arms. "You saw all that?" she asked Chuck in amazement.

"Not like…a lot of other drifts. Not as powerful. But he wouldn't let it control him or control me, even though he knew I could see. The last thing I remember…he was saving my ass whether I liked it or not, because he wanted to save someone at the end. He was tired of watching Rangers die. He knew I might not thank him for it. He cracked, and he knew it. He didn't care."

Wiping his wet face, Tendo said, "Y'know, Chloe – Chloe Warner, K-Watch, she and her brother Christian missed the second cut in our class by a hair. She worked with Major Bingham a lot at Hilo Headquarters on the Big Island. He'd fought in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, his family'd been in wars all the way back to World War I. He gave her leave after – after Knifehead, and when she got back, he said that we're soldiers and this is war. In war, soldiers die, and that will always be true no matter what anyone does. Our only choice is to keep fighting."

Raleigh flinched hard and dropped against Mako again, burying his face in her neck. She kissed his sweaty hair and didn't think to be embarrassed by Tendo or even Chuck's presence. Raleigh whispered, "Tendo…what he told me…at the end…what he told me…I know."

"He…at the end…" Tendo looked baffled. Then he went pale as it dawned on him. "Yance? You mean Yancy?"

"Raleigh, listen to me, you have to - "

It rang in Raleigh's memory night and day, and as a result, in Mako's. She'd heard it loud and clear again and again in that disastrous experiment only a few days ago. She'd seen Yancy's desperate, urgent eyes, heard his voice break into a scream as he was torn from the pod – worse, she'd been Yancy, looking at his baby brother's confused, frightened eyes, so desperate to tell, to say –

Like every thought in the drift, it came to life in the mind before it ever passed the lips. Raleigh could heard it because Yancy had been thinking it even before Knifehead struck that final, killing blow. It'd echoed even as he was torn away, because Yancy had known. He'd realized what was coming, and that knowledge had shattered Raleigh even before it happened, because all Yancy had wanted was to say…

"Raleigh, listen to me, you have to" –

- you have to keep going, no matter what happens, you have to go on! Don't give up! Don't, kiddo, don'tdon'tdon't –

Mako flinched as hard as they'd done in the conn-pod during the first test. She'd heard it then, and it hurt just as much now, the terror - not even so much of the kaiju or of death, but of having to go on…alone.

Tendo put a hand on Raleigh's head, gentle, brushing tears away with his thumb. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Raleigh did want to. He'd held it inside too long. And… "You told me…the night I left, you were scared – I'd – kill myself." Tendo swallowed hard at the memory, but nodded, and moved his hand to squeeze Raleigh's as tight as he could. "I wouldn't…cause – he – Yance – he told me whatever happened, not to give up, to go on. So I couldn't…couldn't ever…no matter how bad I wanted…couldn't…"

"Oh, Rals," Tendo whispered.

"Couldn't say no to him. Couldn't…throw away what got stolen from him, not when he told me not to."

"Raleigh." Mako couldn't stand it anymore. He sobbed brokenly, but she held onto him until he met her eyes. "I felt it. I know. We both know it was so much more than that." She put her hands on his cheeks. "Everytime we've drifted, I've felt it. Raleigh-chan, I know how much you loved him." Raleigh sniffled, giving her a flash of memory from a perspective that was neither his nor hers, regarding Raleigh as baby brother. It hurt, but it made her smile too. She didn't let go and made him keep looking at her. "And…I know how very much he loved you." Raleigh sobbed harder and collapsed into her arms.

Tendo looked dazed, tears falling without him seeing to notice them as he rubbed Raleigh's back and stared at Mako. "I don't…my God, are you saying Yance knew Raleigh could pilot alone?" Even Chuck looked shaken by that idea.

Mako and Raleigh shook their heads in unison. But Raleigh couldn't say it, even now, couldn't speak it, so Mako gently did. "Yancy knew what was about to happen. A person…at that moment, they wouldn't think so impersonally. Yancy just wanted Raleigh to live, to try, not to give up. Because he loved him. Because Raleigh…" She looked at Raleigh and pondered how she'd seen him when the echo of a second young man in the drift took control of her memories. When she missed Yancy, it was for Raleigh's sake, or because being Raleigh was part of her memories. It occurred to her now that she, along with Tendo and the rest of their crew, could miss Yancy Becket for his own sake, one of so many brave people, who lived and loved, cut out of the world too young and leaving a hole behind. "You were everything to him. Everything in the world worth living for and fighting for. You were his hope." Raleigh couldn't look at her, but when she petted his head and whispered, "You know I'm right," he nodded.

"I love you, baby brother. I should be able to say that outside the drift. I love you so much."

"Sometimes," Raleigh murmured dully. "I think he'd have been jealous if he could see me now. But when I was on the Wall, I just thought he'd yell what the shit was I doing and tell me to get my ass back to a Shatterdome."

Mako found herself giggling, and Tendo grinned. "Yeah, he used to be possessive of you, but we all saw him getting over that. And maybe he never…" he lost his smile and shut his eyes for a second before going on. "None of us ever imagined…what would happen, but we knew for a long time pilots could…lose each other. The Jessops, the Shindos. It happened. Yance was smart; he'd have thought about that."

Raleigh stiffened and sat up, looking at Chuck. "He told me…Pentecost he said something. He said Yancy asked him."

Chuck slowly nodded. "After…I dunno when exactly, it was after a fight. Yancy told Marshal he'd better make sure you were okay if anything happened to him, not to let them use you like they used Duc Jessop and Hayase Shindo."

"When did you become a fucking fatalist?"

"It's not fatalism, it's realism, kid!"

They'd fought about it once, Mako recalled. After Rangers died, Yancy'd dwelled on it to the point Raleigh'd been frightened, and they'd argued. They'd been…very young then, Gipsy hadn't even launched. They'd come to terms with it by assuring themselves and each other that if they ever went down, at least they'd go down together. Mako winced and felt Raleigh flinch beside her.

"My dad was there, you know. After Knifehead. You probably didn't see him," said Chuck suddenly.

Raleigh shook his head but Tendo said, "We saw him. We were really grateful."

"He was pissed at the medics for…" Chuck looked reluctantly at Raleigh. "For bringing you back. He thought it was cruel. He always wondered how you were able to pilot alone."

Raleigh shrugged. "I don't know. I don't really remember."

"I worked on the engagement reports for every godforsaken one of our losses by the time we got here to Hong Kong, kiddo," Tendo told him. "If we lost one pilot, the other usually…didn't make it. If they were lucky- or unlucky, really, they seized and the Jaeger shut down, and they survived because the kaiju took off."

It was Mako's turn to flinch as she realized where Tendo was going. Raleigh caught the way they were all avoiding his eyes. "What else? What aren't you telling me?"

Tendo sighed. "You…nobody who wasn't in the program at the time knows…about the twins."

Raleigh stiffened and Mako wrapped her arm around his chest again. "Bruce and Trevin?" he asked in a small voice. Chuck and Tendo nodded, still not looking at him. "Seattle…what happened? All I heard was they both…"

"They both…yeah, but not at once," Chuck said. He shut his eyes. "The chest fin failed and went straight into the left side; bloody thing took Bruce out before he ever knew what hit him. Trevin…it didn't touch him. We were all watching. He just…died. No biological reason for it. Two minutes after Bruce, Trevin was gone."

Tendo hurriedly caught Raleigh's arm to stop him from curling up into a ball again. "There were a lot of horrific fights, where we thought something like that might've happened – wasn't until Seattle we ever really saw it happen, had proof. And we damn well weren't publishing news like that. It's classified." He patted Raleigh's cheek. "I'm no pons scientist or anything. But I've got a feeling…you're here because Yance had one chance to tell you to stay."

Raleigh pulled away from them both, but sprawled on his back to stare at the ceiling again. His face was wet, his eyes were wet, but he didn't look…empty, like he'd been trying to be before. "'s not right," he murmured, jerking his head towards Chuck. "People thinking Pentecost kicked me out. He didn't. I…I begged him. Almost threatened, if he didn't, I'd…." he shut his eyes. "'m sorry."

"We'll tell the others," Tendo said gently. "Nobody ever blamed you, and nobody ever would have blamed you; I think that's the part Marshal didn't get – no offense," he added to Mako and Chuck.

Mako sighed, but Chuck shook his head. "He knew the crews wouldn't. They'd understand. It was everybody else he was worried about, the same fuckers who're going after all of us now. And…well…no offense, but he had this feeling that if you lot thought it was Raleigh's choice, you'd have gone chasing after him, trying to change his mind."

Tendo grimaced, his sheepish expression admitting to the truth of it, and Mako laughed softly – if a little hysterically. Even Raleigh smiled. She slid herself down next to him again.

"If the medics find you two asleep on the Kwoon floor, you're in for it," Chuck pointed out.

Mako flipped him off before Raleigh had the chance, but they both dragged themselves upright.

She found herself unwilling to be separated from him even for a few minutes, so she made Tendo check and see that no one was in the men's showers. "You're going in there with him?!" he demanded. She shot him a withering look. "Okay, but I'm timing you!" This time Raleigh flipped him off.

They got cleaned up and slumped against each other's sides back to quarters, drained, exhausted…but somehow lighter. Or at least Raleigh felt a little lighter. How long had he been carrying the weight of all that guilt around?

Five years, five months, two weeks, three days.

"It'll get better," she whispered to him once they were back in her bed. "You're not alone anymore. You never will be again."

To Be Continued...

Coming Soon: Our heroes take the first steps to reveal the truth and clear Stacker Pentecost's name, and Mako and Raleigh take a risky step in search of further truths in Chapter Ten: Find Me In The Drift!

PLEASE don't forget to review!

Original Character Guide

Paul Terrence: A neighbor of Stacker's parents who took Stacker and his sister Luna in after their parents' deaths. Black, British, late 50s at the time of the movie.

Chloe Warner: K-Watch officer, African-American, early 30s, classmate of Raleigh, Yancy, and Tendo's from Academy Class 2016-B. Stationed in Hawaii for most of the war, eventually wound up with the downsized K-Watch personnel in Hong Kong for Operation Pitfall. She and her half-brother drift tested, but were not drift compatible despite being very close.

Major James Bingham: A former British Army officer in his 60s, the senior Response Tactician of K-Watch, he tracked the kaiju and presides over forecasting where they were heading when K-Watch was headquartered in Hawaii.

Jiro and Hayase Shindo: pilots of Tidal Dragon, Japan's Mark-2. Foster siblings from Nagasaki, Japanese martial arts teachers in their mid-30s who helped develop Jaeger Bushido. Tidal Dragon had only one engagement (Razorfin in mid-2018) because her reactor design was unsafe, and exposed the Shindos to high radiation. Jiro died less than a year later, and Hayase was paraded as a propaganda tool along with Duc Jessop until her death two years after her brother.