Author's Notes: Many thanks to everyone for the feedback! Please keep it coming! We're heading towards full circle for all of our heroes! The drift sequence is necessarily a little wishy-washy - like Raleigh and Mako, Herc and Chuck are surrendering to memories which flow from one to the next due to the slightest shift in attention.

Chapter Fifteen: Those Words I Said

Hong Kong Shatterdome...

Kyrra was confused at first by how agitated the Hansens were when they got back to base. They both vanished into a private room with Dr. Tán, and nobody got a word out of them - except when Chuck raised his voice. " - bloody knock it off with the prevaricating, can we do it or not?!"

Whatever "it" was, Dr. Tán said yes. Then Herc ordered the pons crew to the test lab - and nobody else. "Private test, that's all."

Kyrra knew full well he was lying. Judging by the looks on their faces, so did Mako and Raleigh. They, along with Kyrra, intercepted Chuck and Herc outside the lab.

Chuck shot Mako and Raleigh a challenging look. "It worked for you, didn't it?"

Mako slowly nodded and the pieces fell into place. Kyrra burst out, "Look, whatever the drift shows you…it's only memories and imaginations, right? You can't change the past by chasing rabbits."

Raleigh blinked, but Herc smiled ruefully. "Figured it out, have you?"

"You know you're not supposed to do this," Kyrra pressed.

"Not supposed to do it in simulations or deployments," Check countered. "We need…look, you won't understand."

Oh, do not play that Ranger card with me, boyo. "There're people you can talk to who can actually speak for themselves, you know," Kyrra said. She had to stand her ground when Chuck stiffened and Herc took a step towards them both, eyes narrowing. "My mum wants to see you. Indra Hassan and the rest of the family are in Coober Pedy. Greg Oliver and his family are in Alice Springs. Talk to them, not ghosts."

There weren't many people who could make Chuck Hansen break eye contact before Pitfall. The number had grown since, but even before, Kyrra had used that power sparingly, knowing she was among the few who understood the agony that burned behind the kid's hard, abrasive exterior. It took some work (and fighting ghosts of her own) not to retreat when he looked away.

You think I don't understand what you want and why? I miss them too, boyo. In some ways, we know I miss at least one of them more. Kyrra'd had to work hard up to and even after Pitfall not to dwell too much on memories of Susanti Hassan. Rabbits weren't only hazardous to people who drifted. I loved her. She loved me. Another time, another world, I'd have married her if she'd have had me. I never asked because I wasn't sure she would. It was probably just as well that Kyrra Taior had never been drift compatible with anyone, or she might've tried drifting into memories in search of the answer.

Mako interceded and broke the deadlock. "It isn't…exactly what you think. They're not ghosts. Sen – Marshal Pentecost told me at - at – the end – that I could always find him in the drift. He wouldn't have said a thing like that by accident." She started to look at Chuck for confirmation, but caught herself – too late.

Chuck had seen. "He didn't," Chuck mumbled, still not looking at anyone. "He knew…this was possible. Something like closure for anyone who survived the end. He was drift instructor for years. Lightcap knew too. And I drifted with him. Things've come out that I didn't know I knew. That alone would be reason enough."

Kyrra sighed, recognizing she was rapidly losing ground, and looked at Dr. Tán. He said cautiously, "There didn't seem to be any bad effects – but Mako and Raleigh weren't active duty pilots anymore. You two will have to drift again if you want to stay active, and there's a lot of political capital at stake if this breaks you."

Herc and Chuck looked at each other. For Kyrra, it was suddenly like chasing another rabbit, only just the two of them over five years, side by side, so often at odds but so connected, studying each other, saying so much but speaking no words. Judging by the soft intakes of breath from the other Team Striker veterans, she wasn't the only one who felt it. When had he gone from a gangly teenager to this so-strong but so-haunted man? Why did it hurt so much to recognize what winning this war had cost, even though their boyo had come out the other side alive?

"This won't break us," Herc said. "It won't."

Kyrra had the distinct impression that Herc had said something like this before with the same unbreakable resolve. But as for when, she couldn't guess.

Dr. Tán and Tendo insisted on staying with the pons crew while Chuck and Herc were in the simulator.

Chuck tried to argue, but Tendo pointed out, "Hey, we saw Raleigh and Mako pull this, remember? We know what you're looking for, and we know what to watch for if it goes south."

What if it does go south? What happens then? Chuck didn't know why he was so nervous. It wasn't as if he was trying to solo drift like Raleigh had; Dad was right here, so it'd be just like any other drift. Except...we've never actively tried to chase a rabbit.

Rangers might've all tried to use the drift to communicate at one point or more during their careers, but it was drilled into everybody's head: don't go looking for memories. You'll get lost, and every drift after will be that much harder.

Was this a stupid risk? After all, Raleigh and Mako wouldn't be piloting again, while Herc and Chuck had just proven they could and that Jaegers still had a place in the world, with or without kaiju.

"You can always find me in the drift!"

There'd been so much Chuck had wanted to say to Marshal, to say nothing of...everyone else. He found his dad watching him, waiting to let him decide. So he swallowed hard and nodded. "Let's do this."

When they plunged into the drift, they landed in Striker's red-lit conn-pod, at the bottom of the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean, next to Stacker Pentecost. "Well, my father always says, he says if you have a shot, you take it! So let's do this! It was a pleasure, sir."

Herc was the one who gasped and flinched as the memory swept over them. Chuck had been scared. So, so scared...

Then Stacker's arm lashed out like a snake, too fast for Chuck to grasp despite their drift, and the pod lurched and grew blurry as shock and confusion and complete panic flooded him. "HEY! What the hell - " Oh my God, no, no, can't leave, won't leave, not like this, don't leave, I'm a Ranger, can't leave my co-pilot no, no - "NO! No, I'm not going, you can't, I'm ..."

Their surroundings faded to black until only Stacker was still there, watching Chuck slip into unconsciousness. Stacker knew he'd never see his own son again. At least Herc would have a chance of seeing his.

They were outside the lift heading for Striker's conn-pod. "That's my son you've got there." Herc choked out to Stacker. "My son."

I know, old friend. I know. Stacker stood, outwardly calm waiting for Chuck to join him in the lift. You'll see my son soon, and you'll know I understand. Which of us has it worse? Letting our children go or leaving them behind?

He turned and looked Chuck in the eyes, and it was no longer just a memory. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry I did that to you, son."

Stacker Pentecost had never addressed anyone other than his own son that way – hell, he'd hardly ever addressed Jake that way. Chuck swallowed hard. "Don't be. Not anymore."

Egotistical jerk with daddy issues...Stacker smiled, like Chuck had never seen him smile before. Herc had, years ago, before they realized the world was about to end. "You know I was telling you what you wanted to hear."

"Yeah, I know." Marshal had been telling Chuck what Chuck already believed. Egotistical jerk with daddy issues who shits on dead pilots and crew...

Stacker put a hand on his shoulder. Chuck stared. Marshal'd never touched him, or anyone other than - briefly - Mako, even in in his memories as a commander. There'd been a thick physical wall between the Marshal and his crew, at the best of times and the worst. "I never said you were the only one with issues."

"Amen to that," said Herc behind him.

"Yeah, your old man would know," said the voice of someone who'd been gone nearly a year before Operation Pitfall.

When Chuck turned around, he was sixteen, and they were back in Sydney Shatterdome, in Vulcan Specter's bay. And Vulcan was there, intact and undamaged, with Devi and Susanti leaning against his foot, with that magnetic chessboard they'd played so many games on.

He darted forward before he had a chance to think about it, and only caught himself at the second before he reached Devi, but she finished the distance between them...and she felt real. Really real.

The noise Chuck made was a lot like the noise he'd made that night outside the Kwoon when he collapsed into Herc's arms for the last time in the war. So many people had died after Vulcan went down, Rangers who'd been Chuck and Herc's friends, but they had never hugged again.

From behind, Suze put her hand in his hair. "Damn, we were afraid of that. That's why we told him to stay with you."

"'m sorry," Chuck whispered. How could it feel so real now when it was just the drift?

"We've both hugged you before, boyo. You remember it. You know how proud of you we were."

He flinched. "Even after what I turned into?" Such an arrogant, mean-spirited shit.

They didn't deny it, but Devi said, "Even then. No matter what you did or said, neither of us ever stopped loving you."

He believed her. She wouldn't be saying it in the rabbit if he and his dad didn't both know it. And Chuck had still shut her out when he realized she loved his dad, never mind everything she'd given him. He wouldn't give her the one thing she'd wanted for herself: his blessing for her to be with Herc, like she'd wanted. "I'm sorry. I was such a selfish bastard - "

"No." Devi held him at arm's length to make him look at her, like she'd have done pep-talking him early on. "You were seventeen. What you felt is what you felt, my love. I had a choice too, and I choose to prove that I loved you both." She looked past him at Herc, and Chuck felt Herc's throat tighten, for what could've been and for what all of them had chosen. "You know I did love you both, to the very end."

"The things I said," Chuck looked down. "After Sydney..."

Susanti snorted. "Yeah, you should apologize for that one, boyo." But she came to her sister's side and tightened her own grip own him, letting him know she knew why.

"I didn't mean it. I never meant - I just - everyone was dying, and it - was just too bloody much."

"I know, kid. I know. It was too much." There were more people behind them now, but Chuck couldn't face them, knowing what they did. Knowing what he'd done. "Don't do that to yourself, Chuck. We're not ghosts, we're just your memories. This is all in your head."

"And my dad's," Chuck insisted.

"Yeah, well..." Herc's emotions washed against Chuck like a wave on the beach, like waves against Striker's feet as Vulcan disappeared under the waves for the last time. Chuck flinched, but felt his dad touch his head, like he hadn't touched Chuck since that night. "We both did our share of fucking up. But it's true. Dr. Tán and Team Gipsy told us; apart from Stacker, we're just talking to our own memories."

Devi huffed. "Way to make it impersonal, Hercules." Chuck felt his dad blush and laughed. Apart from Dr. Dahari, Devi and Suze were the only people who'd ever called Herc out on behalf of Chuck (or at least the only ones who ever did it in front of Chuck).

"Sorry." Herc's smile was sheepish when Chuck looked at him in the drift, but his dad's after-image suddenly wavered, and Herc was staring at Chuck far more intensely. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He wasn't talking to Devi and Susanti.

They were in LOCCENT. "They're gonna detonate the payload," said Tendo.

Herc had been leaning over the tactical display, but he had his eyes squeezed shut. Seeing Vulcan disappear had been bad enough. Now Striker...his son...my son...

Chuck grabbed his arm. "Dad, hey, I'm here."

The sling vanished from Herc's arm, and they were alone again, and he was holding onto Chuck with all his might, chanting like a prayer, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I don't want to regret all the things I never said -

" - Dad...you don't need to. I told you, I know 'em all. I always have. Not your fault I didn't want to hear."

They were on the trampled grass along Scramble Alley in Sydney. Chuck was thirteen. Max was still barely out of puppyhood, sprinting after tennis balls to the delight of the new crew from Vulcan Specter.

Herc and Devi stood a few yards away, watching Chuck and Susanti play with Max. Then he was twenty-one and Suze pulled him into her arms. Herc could hear him clearly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

We could've been family, a family again with my dad and Devi and she loved him and I wouldn't let her -

Herc flinched from his kid's self-loathing. Devi eyed him. "Be a father, Hercules."

"He is!" Chuck said defensively. "It wasn't all his fault, it never was! He did the best he could."

Blame me for that one. "You could still be a git," Suze informed Herc.

But Herc chuckled. "Yeah, I know."

Releasing Chuck, Devi said, "You should do what Kyrra said. Not everyone's gone, and it's not too late. Go talk to Indra, Marian Taior, and the others. More of them will understand than you think, what you were going through after that last fight. More of them will forgive you than you expect."

Chuck couldn't resist looking at Herc. Was it really their memories of Devi and Susanti talking, or just wishful thinking? "Dunno," Herc admitted.

"Does it matter?" Susanti pointed out.

Yeah, that was a fair point. "You've got time now, boyo," said Devi, and kissed his forehead. "Go enjoy your life."

"You did the right thing."

Herc gasped, and they were in family housing at the Sydney base. Chuck was eleven…Angela'd been in a rush to get him to school on her way to work, practically mowing Herc down. Suddenly, she stopped and met her husband's eyes…and Herc was older than she'd ever seen him become, and their son was next to him, twenty-one years old.

"You did the right thing," she repeated. Herc's breath caught and it took all his strength not to sob aloud. He held out a hand, and felt her fingers mesh with his, and felt his son silently crying as he remembered what it felt like to be held by his wife.

"You knew it was the right thing," Angela murmured in his ear. "You always knew. I'd never have forgiven you any other choice."

"I…Chuck…" Herc couldn't speak straight or think straight in this drift anymore about anything except that Chuck had never forgiven him.

"Y-yeah I have," Chuck choked out. It surged through the drift, the truth of it. Strange that Herc hadn't realized that sooner. He couldn't see when; Chuck wasn't quite sure when. Before now but not long ago. Maybe it was finally as they were leaving for Pitfall, he'd finally understood all Herc had given up and let himself know what he'd felt in the drift for ten years.

Even if Herc could have done it all over again at the very worst of times in the war, he'd still have taken that Bell Kiowa to get his son. And Chuck's mother would never have accepted any other choice. They both knew that to the marrow of their bones.

Angela released Herc and held out her arms for her son. "Come here, baby. Let me see you."

Chuck was more hesitant, but let her touch his face and hold him. "Mum, I…love you."

"I know, baby boy. You know I'd be proud of you." She pulled back and grinned at him. "Your father had a few rough edges all the time I knew him. Stacker Pentecost was right. You're your father's son."

"I'm yours too."

"Yes." She cupped his cheek, studying him, thoughtful as she saw all she'd never had the chance to see. "Yes, that too, but you both never stopped trying. We're a family of stubborn bogans, multi-generational. You got it from both of us."

They had to laugh, but then someone flickered into existence in the drift who wasn't welcome. Trying to push him out was impossible, but Chuck and Herc knew well enough now to let him fade away again. Not part of their family. Not ever again.

"He loved you once," Angela acknowledged. She sounded a little uncertain, either because that was how Dad remembered her or because neither Chuck nor his dad were quite sure how she'd feel. "He threw it away. I'd never forgive him for betraying you, even if what he did to anyone else was forgivable. But you're right; enough about him." She shook her head at the two of them. "And despite all that, you made it." She seized Herc with a ferocious kiss and Chuck groaned in dismay like he was eleven again. Well, he sort of was…and wasn't, in this place.

"I love you," Herc breathed against her lips.

She put her hand to his chest plate. "I know. You've both said it in so many ways, every year since Sydney."

The ring around each of their necks, the name etched in between the plates of their armor over both of their hearts, the connection that had somehow let them be drift compatible even when they were at bitterest odds. Yeah, it all did come back to this, didn't it?

We can't stay here. We can't come back like this, not unless we want to get trapped. It was one or both of them who thought it, but Angela smiled despite the pangs of renewed grief that swept over them both.

"You've got all you need: each other. Your crews, your friends. Those girls were right; go find the others. Fix what needs fixing. You have time now. You've given ten years of your lives to winning this war. Make the most of the rest."

"We will," Chuck whispered. "We will, Mum."

I'll do better. I promise.

You won't be alone.

Then they let go, and the drift rushed away enough for Herc to croak, "Disconnect."

"Disconnecting neural handshake," said Tendo.

Dr. Tán watched them both as they removed the pons caps with trembling hands – and noted that neither man was quite able to stand up yet. "Well?"

"We're fine," Chuck muttered, avoiding his eyes.

The pons crew, Tendo, and the medics all peered at the monitors, and Dr. Tán agreed slowly, "You look okay. But guys…seriously, no more of this. Even if it is relatively harmless, it's not healthy. You can't live in your memories."

I know. We know.

"Go find the others."

"My mum wants to see you."

Marian Taior had practically raised Chuck since Herc and Scott had first left for drift testing in 2015. She'd been yet another person there all Chuck's life since Scissure only to be left behind before Operation Pitfall, with all too likely the possibility she'd never see Chuck again. All her children except Kyrra had died in Scissure's attack, and she'd watched dozens of Rangers and hundreds of crew die from Sydney Shatterdome's small family housing section.

To say nothing of Indra Hassan. Would he really want to see Chuck again?

I think he will, said Herc. If he hadn't cared, he wouldn't have said goodbye to you the way he did.

Yeah, true, he'd known by then what Chuck had said after Mutavore, but he'd still given Chuck something to remember Devi and Susanti by, that chessboard –

- Memory slammed into Chuck with more emotion that had ever accompanied anything he carried from Stacker Pentecost before. Herc choked, and Tendo and Dr. Tán exclaimed, "What is it?!"

Herc just grabbed Chuck's shoulder, steadying him as Chuck stared into the past.

That chessboard was in Stacker's memories too…but not just in the hands of Devi and Susanti Hassan. No…these memories were older. Stacker had seen it in Sydney Shatterdome before and it had given him a pang that had never showed in his face. No one had known what he knew except maybe Team Gipsy, but no one had ever said.

Chuck had noticed the Hassans had switched from an old Lego set to an old magnetic set after he returned from the Jaeger Academy, but it hadn't ever occurred to him where they might've gotten it.

No one…no one had ever told Chuck…who that chess set had belonged to.

"Oh my God," Herc breathed. He pushed Tendo and Tán away. "It's nothing, it's nothing, just a – a memory. Something we hadn't caught before; let it be." You didn't know. They didn't want you to know. It's not your fault you didn't know.

Chuck's mind raced through every minute since arriving in Hong Kong…thank God, he'd never brought that chess set out. Hell, who was there left to play…well, ironically, the one person who might've…

It's not mine. It shouldn't be, not now. They always hoped he'd come back. They loved him.

They'd used a private investigator to track him down once. Stacker had known that, but hadn't been able to dissuade them. He didn't know what they'd said to him, but Paul Terrence told Stacker they'd seen him. They'd never seen Raleigh Becket again. He'd never seen them again.

Chuck shook off his father and the other personnel and stumbled back towards quarters. He had a debt to pay.

To Be Continued...

Coming Soon: An old chess set is reunited with its owner and Chuck Hansen and Raleigh Becket acknowledge their deepest common ground. Our heroes make plans to tie up loose ends from the war in Chapter Sixteen: Those Left Behind!

PLEASE don't forget to review!

Original Character Guide

Kyrra Taior: Striker Eureka's Chief Engineer, Aboriginal Australian about Herc's age, met Chuck immediately after Scissure and went to Anchorage to drift test along with Herc and Scott in 2015. Was long-term lover of Susanti Hassan, but never quite managed to talk marriage due to the all-consuming drift bond between Susanti and her sister.

Marian Taior: Kyrra's elderly mother, lost all of her children and grandchildren except Kyrra when Scissure attacked Sydney. Became Chuck's long-term guardian while Herc and Scott trained as Rangers and took care of the Sydney Shatterdome children for years. Stayed in Australia when Team Striker left for Hong Kong.

Devi and Susanti Hassan: late Rangers of Vulcan Specter, Australia's Mark-3, first generation daughters of Indonesian Muslim immigrants, they were not who Marshal Ketteridge had in mind, and he never got past his sexism or bigotry. Graduated Jaeger Academy Class 2016-B along with the Beckets, they were very close until Yancy's death, but also very close to Chuck and Herc during his childhood and after he became a pilot. Killed in action in September 2024 with a record unmatched until Striker destroyed Mutavore.

Indra Hassan: Devi and Susanti's elder cousin, Vulcan Specter's LOCCENT chief until their deaths in 2024, when he switched to being Striker Eureka's. Very close to Chuck and Herc throughout their career. Moved to inland Australia with his and his cousins' family before Operation Pitfall when Sydney Shatterdome closed.

Dr. Stephen Tán: Chief medical officer of the entire Jaeger Program throughout its history, went to Hong Kong as chief medic for Operation Pitfall. Chinese-American, early 40s. Spent a lot of time trying to stop Rangers from doing stupid shit, didn't always succeed.